Ask A Married Woman: What Assumptions About Sex Were You Wrong About?
Editor’s Note: This month we are answering our readers’ questions to married women. Last week we talked about physically painful sex, initiating with guys, going from virgin to sexy, and what questions you should ask before you get married. To view all the posts, go here! – Lauren
Valerie Bryant: The media and Cosmo magazine taught me that men are horny beasts who cannot be tamed, and so I assumed my new husband would want (even need) sex constantly (daily, or even hourly) to be properly satisfied. Turns out men are human beings just like us women. Sometimes they’re tired, hungry, or don’t feel well or have something on their mind or actually just want to watch the game, and the mood isn’t going to be striking left and right at all hours of the day and night. Even more comforting: that’s okay.
Katy Hill: I’ll just say this: it’s awesome, but not like it seems in the movies. I recommend talking to a woman a few years older than you, who’s married, who you feel comfortable talking about this to and ask them to tell you what they wish they knew beforehand. I did and got real, honest answers and it helped me set the right expectations. There are already too many expectations when it comes to sex, no need to let TV and movies complicate it even more.
Alyssa Agee: I thought sex had to take a long time. I know, that may sound silly but I always pictured it being very time-consuming and that felt like a lot of pressure to me. In truth, sometimes foreplay is overrated and there can be so much joy and satisfaction in a quick romp.
Carley Lollie: I thought all men wanted was sex all day every day – but sometimes I want it when he doesn’t initiate. I thought lingerie would turn him on more than normal clothes, but for us that’s not always the case. I thought it would instantly be easy but it takes time to find things that make either person happy.
Tamara Lunardo: When we were newly married, I held the painful, wrong assumption that if your husband doesn’t try to have sex with you all the time, he must not be interested in you. And I think that was part of a larger wrong assumption that men are all naturally confident about sex. Good, totally honest communication finally cleared all of that up!
Sarah Bessey: I didn’t realize there are seasons to sexuality. There will be seasons of crazy, wonderful sex, and there will be seasons when it’s not as important or primary, or one of you needs more or less etc., and then it all cycles back around again. And it gets better and better and better, the more fearless and comfortable and fun you become. Also, I completely underestimated the importance of laughter and adventure.
Sarah Asay: Ok, so in the movies and on TV, it’s always super hot in the beginning with everyone knowing exactly what to do, then it fizzles and after a short time it’s time to find someone new. Well, it turns out (prepare for a shocker!) TV is wrong. So wrong. We’ve totally been lied to with this lie that sex in marriage is boring, dull and that sex with strangers is awesome and perfect. For 25 years, I totally bought into this lie as well. I <3 sex with my husband. Even after almost 6 years. Lindsay Satterfield: I thought adapting from virginity to sex with my husband would be easy because I was married and that’s what sex was intended for. It was definitely awkward to be naked in front of him for a while!
Caitlyn Stiffler: I always thought that you have to have sex with a guy to keep him, until I met my husband. We struggled with it for the first few months, but after I admitted what was going on, he was so understanding and willing to help me be comfortable in any way he could. I never thought I’d be able to be honest about how I was feeling in regards to the bedroom.
Lauren Dubinsky: I thought sex would be the “best” part of the marriage. Turns out having a best friend who loves you all the time is the best part of marriage. Like Valerie, I also thought guys want sex 24/7. I also wasn’t expecting my thoughts/emotions to be part of sex to the extent they are. I [unfortunately] had sex before marriage, so there was always a lot of stress or anxiety or thoughts I kept to myself regarding it. It’s crazy being able to talk to my husband about my thoughts, without having to be embarrassed.
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