Ask A Married Woman: What Assumptions About Sex Were You Wrong About?
Editor’s Note: This month we are answering our readers’ questions to married women. Last week we talked about physically painful sex, initiating with guys, going from virgin to sexy, and what questions you should ask before you get married. To view all the posts, go here! – Lauren
Valerie Bryant: The media and Cosmo magazine taught me that men are horny beasts who cannot be tamed, and so I assumed my new husband would want (even need) sex constantly (daily, or even hourly) to be properly satisfied. Turns out men are human beings just like us women. Sometimes they’re tired, hungry, or don’t feel well or have something on their mind or actually just want to watch the game, and the mood isn’t going to be striking left and right at all hours of the day and night. Even more comforting: that’s okay.
Katy Hill: I’ll just say this: it’s awesome, but not like it seems in the movies. I recommend talking to a woman a few years older than you, who’s married, who you feel comfortable talking about this to and ask them to tell you what they wish they knew beforehand. I did and got real, honest answers and it helped me set the right expectations. There are already too many expectations when it comes to sex, no need to let TV and movies complicate it even more.
Alyssa Agee: I thought sex had to take a long time. I know, that may sound silly but I always pictured it being very time-consuming and that felt like a lot of pressure to me. In truth, sometimes foreplay is overrated and there can be so much joy and satisfaction in a quick romp. 
Carley Lollie: I thought all men wanted was sex all day every day – but sometimes I want it when he doesn’t initiate. I thought lingerie would turn him on more than normal clothes, but for us that’s not always the case. I thought it would instantly be easy but it takes time to find things that make either person happy.
Tamara Lunardo: When we were newly married, I held the painful, wrong assumption that if your husband doesn’t try to have sex with you all the time, he must not be interested in you. And I think that was part of a larger wrong assumption that men are all naturally confident about sex. Good, totally honest communication finally cleared all of that up!
Sarah Bessey: I didn’t realize there are seasons to sexuality. There will be seasons of crazy, wonderful sex, and there will be seasons when it’s not as important or primary, or one of you needs more or less etc., and then it all cycles back around again. And it gets better and better and better, the more fearless and comfortable and fun you become. Also, I completely underestimated the importance of laughter and adventure.
Sarah Asay: Ok, so in the movies and on TV, it’s always super hot in the beginning with everyone knowing exactly what to do, then it fizzles and after a short time it’s time to find someone new. Well, it turns out (prepare for a shocker!) TV is wrong. So wrong. We’ve totally been lied to with this lie that sex in marriage is boring, dull and that sex with strangers is awesome and perfect. For 25 years, I totally bought into this lie as well. I <3 sex with my husband. Even after almost 6 years.
Lindsay Satterfield: I thought adapting from virginity to sex with my husband would be easy because I was married and that’s what sex was intended for. It was definitely awkward to be naked in front of him for a while!
Caitlyn Stiffler: I always thought that you have to have sex with a guy to keep him, until I met my husband. We struggled with it for the first few months, but after I admitted what was going on, he was so understanding and willing to help me be comfortable in any way he could. I never thought I’d be able to be honest about how I was feeling in regards to the bedroom.
Lauren Dubinsky: I thought sex would be the “best” part of the marriage. Turns out having a best friend who loves you all the time is the best part of marriage. Like Valerie, I also thought guys want sex 24/7. I also wasn’t expecting my thoughts/emotions to be part of sex to the extent they are. I [unfortunately] had sex before marriage, so there was always a lot of stress or anxiety or thoughts I kept to myself regarding it. It’s crazy being able to talk to my husband about my thoughts, without having to be embarrassed.
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Assumptions I made… That I would be just as horny as I was when we were engaged!
Before the wedding we often talked about how much sex we would be having, and once the honeymoon was over, and real life hit, my libido went down. He was shocked I didn't want to do it every single day multiple times a day anymore. I was shocked that he still did. He felt cheated out of the picture I had painted for him, and I felt like he was being selfish. We had to work through a lot, but I can happily say that we've been married just over a year, and have a healthy, happy sex life!
July 16, 2012 at 1:24 pm
This was us too!! Part of our problem was the pain I experience, but I still sometimes get sad about how much change there was in my libido between dating/engaged and being married. I really wonder what causes that.
July 19, 2012 at 12:51 am
Would it be anything to do with change in hormonal balance due to taking birth control? My married friends had lots of problems due to that. Her libido disappeared completely the week before they got married and didn't come right for 2 years until she went and saw a specialist who took her off the drugs.
August 1, 2012 at 10:36 pm
Ever seen those TV shows (Bones, for example) where a couple that has obviously just finished making love is cozy in bed flirting, and immediately segway into another round? That's way less realistic than I thought it was! I'd known that it takes a guy at least 15 minutes to recharge, but when my husband & I were first married it would take him about 24 hours to be ready again. It made me feel super insecure, but it had nothing to do with me at all.
Ladies, forget everything anyone has ever told you is "normal" about sex. You and your spouse get to set your own normal with whatever makes you happy. <3
July 16, 2012 at 5:18 pm
SHOCK OF 2010: It wasn’t HORRIBLE. I had convinced myself that it was going to be awful, uncomfortable, awkward, and impossible. Probably because I can be all of those things. I just didn’t see how it was going to WORK. But in the end, my new husband took such care with me, I was so overwhelmed with joy to be married to him, and it was wonderful (gag, I know, but it’s true!). Not awkward, just lovely. Oh, the sex was kinda painful, but we knew it would be and talked through it. It was not “great sex” by the world’s definition, but it was truly intimate and we definitely found ways to enjoy ourselves. We just had fun. No pressure. Highly recommended!
July 16, 2012 at 5:57 pm
So many of ya'll already said it – the idea that guys think about sex all the time & want it ALL the time. Was it Seinfeld where I learned that a guy will always choose sex over sleep? I think so. But, it is not true, that's for sure. Even though my pastor just cracked a similar joke. "What do you call a sex addict? A man." ARGH!!!! Being a man does not make one a sex addict! Please stop the jokes about this!
Once you know that it is not FACT that a man will want to have sex constantly, you won't feel as rejected by lack of desire. I pretty much cried any time I thought he'd be interested, and then he wasn't really. Almost 8 years late, I still cry when that happens sometimes. But, that is mostly because I am a cry baby. Now I know we aren't a twisted dysfunctional couple. We aren't doomed for disaster when my desire is stronger than his.
July 16, 2012 at 7:02 pm
This is really sad and disappointing that your pastor would make a joke about that. That's worth catching him after church next Sunday to talk to him about. Jokes like that cause so much hurt to both married couples who are struggling with why their sex life "isn't like that" and also really screws up young men and women in the congregation. Let me know if you talk to him about it! I'd love to know how it goes.
July 16, 2012 at 9:52 pm
Lauren,
I've thought about your challenge to me here. I really don't think I can do this. I think challenging him on a sex joke would be a conversation I shouldn't be having. It would be possible that it could happen. But, I doubt it. I do think I could bring it up with his wife, though. And I will try to.
I do agree this sort of thing is damaging, & I said as much to my husband that afternoon after church. I do also think that Cherry's post in this series, where she stated as a fact that every single man masturbates a lot, is even worse, though. Being that it is not true, but she speaks it as it is fact. Women who are afraid to ask their husbands if it is true will assume quite the same thing. That men are always thinking about sex. Always, always. It rules their life. I honestly am really surprised that she hasn't updated her post with a retraction on that. Surely it is true that every man touches himself there. And every man would be aware that it is a pleasure point. But that does not follow that every man pleasures himself.
July 27, 2012 at 11:10 am
Hi Erin!
I don't think there's a need to 'challenge' him. Simply to communicate that the joke was offensive. And if you feel more comfortable discussing it with his wife, that's great.
I can't speak for Cherry, but I believe what she was getting at is that pretty much all guys in middle school/ high school do touch themselves or masturbate a lot. It's a general rule, and I assume there are exceptions. I don't believe she meant it as "if you're a man you masturbate all the time!" God knows that as men get older, some men continue and other men choose to stop for personal reasons. I hope you didn't take it as us advocating a gender stereotype (as we try VERY hard to note promote that), but rather an honest look at the difference of how most very young men develop sexually compared to how most very young women develop sexually.
- lauren
July 27, 2012 at 12:17 pm
Thanks Lauren! I didn't intend for challenge to sound like a combative thing. I just think the subject matter would be more than awkward for me to bring up with me pastor. But, his wife & I – totally appropriate. So, I'll give it a go, next time we get together.
I know you cannot speak for Cherry! But, I do think that saying that every single man (which is what she is said) has masturbated a lot (which again, is what she said) is adding to the stereotype that all men are super horny. I don't know how this is factual information. Obviously there are differences in how teen girls & guys develop sexually. But, I am not sure how this non-fact "fact" is a beneficial part of understanding.
July 27, 2012 at 12:51 pm
As I said earlier, I am a man and I have not masturbated once in my lifetime. I've had other sexual struggles, to the point where I may as well have masturbated, but the fact remains that I didn't masturbate. It's true that a lot of us guys do have some sexual struggle in middle/high school, but we don't all have the same sexual struggles, nor do we have them all in the same degree, and I'm sure there are some who manage to not give in to any of 'em, though I can't say I was one of them. To say that many guys masturbate would be true, to say that all are would be false. I know Cherry was not meaning to be offensive at all, and was just trying to state what she genuinely thought to be a fact. And in many cases she would be right.. but not all. That is the difference between "fact" and "general rule".
July 29, 2012 at 1:52 pm
Here’s what I would like to know. Im a single woman who has had LOTS of sex, with MANY different partners. So I know all about it. But what I would like to know is, is there any ladies out there who were like me but got married and are still married? How does the sex change from singleness to marriage? Does it? Do I have anything to worry about?
July 16, 2012 at 9:04 pm
I don't have a "ton" of experience before marriage, but definitely slept with more than one man. I found that sex is wildly different from person to person, and there are so many tiny facets of "sex" that there isn't really a simple "oh it's better" or "oh it's worse" or "oh it's different in ____ way. " Although I can certainly say that the sex I've had with my husband is the best I've had across the board. If I'm being 100% honest, it's half because of the trust/safety factor with the person, and half because sex "gets better" the more times you've had it with the same person. I would certainly say that "married sex" is different than single sex, in the same way that married everything is different than single everything. And again, I'd say it's better, but not by the mechanically good/bad standard, by the love-makes-everything-better standard.
As far as having anything to worry about, yes and no. The primary things you have to "worry about" are being emotionally present and healthy with the man you marry. I don't believe that having sex before marriage "ruins" sex within marriage, but it does bring up a lot potential insecurities, left over emotions, expectations, etc. Both my husband and I are in marriage counseling right now just to help us get past crap sorted out together and to make sure we're talking really openly about what's going on with us and how we're feeling. I'm sure you're familiar with this stuff if you've slept with more than one or two guys. It works the same way, although I've found it carries more weight because you love your husband so much more than you've ever loved any other sexual partner. Does that make sense or help at all??
xoxo
July 16, 2012 at 9:59 pm
A BIG Amen to everything you just said Lauren. I too, had sex with a handful of men before marriage. My husband and I abstained before our wedding night, and I agree that married sex is different and better in an emotional way. To be deeply connected with my husband on an emotional, spiritual AND physical way… completely different that any other sex I had experienced.
Lauren, I'm praying for your marriage and sexual health within it. My husband and I had to deal with a LOT when it came to sex. Feel free to email me if you'd like to talk further :)
July 17, 2012 at 12:23 pm
My husband and I were intimate before we got married and certainly weren’t virgins when we met. We had each had multiple partners so sex wasn’t new to us. By the time we got married it had been about 4 years since we had had sex with each other (long story short: he was terrified I would get prego so we took care of our sex drives in ways that didn’t involve actual intercourse).
I will say I was so nervous on our wedding night. But we went slow and it was perfect. Seriously, it was. It was everything I could have dreamed it would be. It still ranks as the best sex I’ve ever had, even though since then we’ve probably had “better” sex. The intimacy with your husband is not something you will ever find with someone else. Lauren’s right, that’s what makes the sex amazing.
Of course, the second time we had sex it hurt, it was awkward and uncomfortable and I couldn’t wait for it to be over. But we talked about it and it’s gotten way better. It takes practice and working through the issues and speaking honestly about them together. Honesty is the best policy, even if it’s uncomfortable. Because it’s either be honest now, or one of you finds out in 20 years that the thing you thought made them tick, they actually can’t stand. It is so nice to have that open communication with my husband. I can honestly say with previous partners, I’ve never felt that comfortable talking about the sex we were having and what I thought about it.
Be careful of expectations since you’ve had other partners. That has gotten in our way before. Be clear cut about what you need emotionally and physically and ask him to do the same. And I completely recommend counseling. I did it before on my own before we were married and it helped so much! It still helps to remind me to look at myself and acknowledge that sometimes the problem is me and my expectations and has nothing to do with my husband.
Hope this helps!
July 17, 2012 at 12:10 am
Ya that makes sense. Thanks guys, I’ve been in a relationship where I really loved the guy and was really open with him in every way, and ya that was the best sex, and it got better over time. So I know that happens. I left him because we definitely didn’t have the same values and I knew I wanted better so whoever I marry will have the same values as me, we’ll have a deeper connection. I’ve been in counseling and ill probably go back. And premarital counseling has ALWAYS been on the top of my list so that definitely will be happening. I dont understand how people don’t get it?
And im a pretty open person so ill be ok with telling him what I want. The only thing im truly fearful of is me wanting it more than him…i would hate that
July 17, 2012 at 2:47 am
Being completely honest, there are times you will want it more than him. But are going to be just as many times when he’ll want it more than you. And there will be times when you’re both on exactly the same page. Those are the best ;).
To combat this, my husband and I made an agreement that if he or I want to have sex and the other person doesn’t, we get to try and arouse the other person by making out for about 10 min. If after that time, we’re both in the mood, awesome! If one of us is still not, then we agree to take care of the other person’s need. Cause let’s be honest, making out for 10 min is going to give my husband something that if not taken care of, might cause him pain later. So I agree to take care of it if I’m still not in the mood after we make out. This goes both ways. There are only a few times we’ve need to do this, but he’s really understanding if I’m tired, have a lot on my mind, can’t get out of my own head, etc. And I understand too. We’ve agreed ahead of time that this isn’t something to take personally.
We also try and plan to have sex. It sounds unromantic but it does build some anticipation. And we try to make the decision shortly after getting home from work so we know to DVR that show, make a quick dinner, have that important conversation now, etc. Planning it helps a lot. Saves time and stress and we still get a full night’s sleep :).
July 17, 2012 at 11:02 am
I completely underestimated the importance and power of talking through past trauma/abuse. My husband knew about my past, but that didn't mean that he knew all the details or what would trigger negative emotions during sex. And he still doesn't, but I've found it to be so helpful to tell him when something has made me upset or uncomfortable instead of just saying "no" and hoping that he'll drop it. He has been so compassionate and gentle with my heart every time, and I've been amazed at how God has used the intimacy to heal so many broken parts of my heart regarding my past and sex.
July 17, 2012 at 2:14 pm
I have a question. Why does it seem "easier" for people who sleep with their boyfriends or girlfriends/do other things to be naked around each other and getting it on without feeling incredibly awkward? I'm not saying that if you sleep with your significant other that it's easy to be vulnerable. I was in a relationship where we were very physical and I only felt awkward and vulnerable the first time. But some of these women say how they felt awkward the first time etc. and I don't get it. When you're married you're in a committed relationship- better than just dating…shouldn't it be less awkward?
July 17, 2012 at 5:49 pm
Hi. I was a virgin when we got married, and It was never uncomfortable being naked in front of my husband, nor intimate with him. I don’t think it is one’s previous sexual experience that necessarily makes the difference here, but rather one’s attitudes and beliefs about their body, human bodies, ans sex. In my case, I happen to come from a “very naked” family in which we are just not that uptight about showing our bodies around each other. We don’t get all naked all the time and certainly not in public, but it just wasn’t a big deal. (I’m sure this would horrify many other Christians. Trust me. You can love Jesus and not be uptight about this.). I was also a painting major in college and spent enough time studying the naked human body from an artistic perspective to move past a lot of assumptions about what beauty really is. (Women? Your body is gorgeous. No matter what. No, I’m really talking to you, and to me and my extra fifty pounds. Your body is lovely and your husband will love it.). Finally, a lot of our attitudes about being comfortable with nudity are very tied to our home culture. I was raised in Europe and lived as an adult in Japan where folks are generally not at all immodest in public, but the attitudes were so much more relaxed. You can only be the big, fat American naked in a Japanese onsen (hot springs bath, not co-Ed, but pure heaven) before you decide that you can be ok naked with all the other women there, old saggy grandmas, mastectomies, anorexia, and all.
My advice? Spend some time naked by yourself. Sleep naked. Close the curtains and spend the day at home without your clothes on. It’s your body that God gave you to enjoy and feel comfortable in. If you’re used to yourself without clothes on, you’ll likely have a smoother transition to being naked with your husband in the room.
July 18, 2012 at 9:12 am
Here, here! I'm not married, but I DO support and strive for body acceptance, despite marital status. I cannot wait for the day when/if God chooses to bless me with a husband to share my body with, but until then — I want to appreciate it for what it is, naked or with clothes on. Our bodies are not shameful, friends!
July 18, 2012 at 11:04 am
I really love this comment. Thanks, Erica!
And yes, to @Anon, we are all very different people with wildly different perceptions and previous experiences in regards to our body and our comfort levels. I've been "awkward" outside of marriage and awkward inside of marriage. I don't think there's a single married couple who can say, "oh yeah we've never had an awkward moment during sex." Haha. Awkward isn't necessarily a bad thing. Insecurity and feeling unloved is what's bad. :( But we all do carry that to some extent, because of things we believe about our bodies.
I 100% agree w/Erica's advice to spend time naked by yourself. If we believe that being naked is inherently awkward, it doesn't matter what we're doing and who we are with – we'll feel that.
July 18, 2012 at 2:10 pm
Erica, Tiffany, and Lauren have it straight on. Do it, girl! You will feel sooooo much better about yourself in general.
July 18, 2012 at 4:07 pm
I have been married less than a year, and neither my husband nor I were virgins. But as so many have said I had totally bought into the lie that men are sex-obsessed beasts that go insane if your dress is shorter than 4 inches above the knee (and that idea was perpetuated with my previous relationship).
But my husband isnt that way. He doesnt like me to be obviously seductive, and he wants sex less than 1/2 as much as I do.
Like i previous commenter, I took this to mean, he didnt love me, wasn't attracted to me, had had sexier partners that he had loved more, etc.
But with his patience and help, I'm learning. All the ideas I had of how to turn him on and satisfy him (fed by Cosmo, other men, and porno) were generalizations largely taken from the margins of society.
August 24, 2012 at 8:52 am
I expected my husband would want sex. Men get married are supposed to fancy the woman they CHOOSE to marry after all. How wrong I was and how unbearably rejected I feel.
September 11, 2012 at 2:49 pm
I'm so sorry your husband made you feel this way. Have you talked to your husband if he ever wanted to love you physically besides emotionally? It doesn't seem fair for you to be a relationship where you are left feeling rejected versus loved.
February 4, 2013 at 11:38 pm