Ask A Married Woman: What Were “Future-Husband Requirements” That Turned Out To Be Wrong?
Editor’s Note: This month we’ve been answering our readers’ questions to married women. Some of our topics have included: When sex is physically painful, initiating with guys, going from virgin to sexy, what to ask a guy before marriage, and being single and feeling left out. Looking for a whole post on how to identify a good man/good match? Here’s one of our most-loved posts of all time: What To Look For In A Man.– Lauren
Lindsay Satterfield: Two weeks before I got married, my fiancé decided to quit his professional music career. Before then, I thought having job security was huge. I learned it’s more important to trust he’s committed and has a solid work ethic. I was still just in love with him while he worked at Starbucks to contribute financially until he figured out what he wanted to do!
Shelly DeVore: I thought I HAD to marry someone older than me, because I found guys my age extremely immature. But my husband is 1.5 years younger and such a wonderful, loving, thoughtful, mature mate.
Lauren Dubinsky: I thought he had to be boring and serious. No but really, I saw the male race divided clearly into “men” and “boys.” Boys were fun, attractive, relatable, carefree, and interesting. Men had 9-5 jobs, a stable life, everything together, spent every friday night the same way, and just the IDEA of dating “a man” bored me to death. Then, I met the right man. And realized that every guy has a good chunk of “boy” in him, and always will. When the man is the right one, the fun will be there – and he won’t be boring.
Photo by Branden Harvey / / Design by Lauren Dubinsky
Carley Lollie: I thought I wanted a highly intellectual, philosophical man, someone who enjoys thinking for the pure enjoyment of thinking. My husband is not like that at all, but his practical, no-nonsense perspective on the world actually complements me very well.
Valerie Bryant: There is only one requirement that truly matters: a man who wants to run hard and fast towards God, with you right beside him. Everything else you imagine that he’s supposed to be — his appearance, his family background, his career, his age — let those fall to the wayside, or you might miss out on someone just because they don’t complete what you think you require. The man I thought I needed, the one I could have checked off all the boxes for? He pales in comparison to the one I got when I stopped narrowing my focus.
Rachel Vander Ley: Oh so many! My husband does not sing me to sleep while he plays his guitar, and you know, I’m still perfectly content to sleep next to him every night. If you make a list (which I did at a Bible study), you’ll know which ones are deal-breakers and which ones are just nice to have on there. Keep that in mind and little things won’t become big things.
Caitlyn Stiffler: Prior to being a Christian, I thought you had to “test drive” before committing. I also pictured myself with a man with a college degree and a white picket fence, and I ended up marrying a tour manager who is gone 6 months out of the year and with 4 other male roommates living in half a duplex.
Sarah Bessey: Things like vocation turned out to be unimportant. We have both changed careers – and even callings. You learn to separate yourself and your marriage from what you “do.” Almost everything in our lives has changed and shifted, friends have come and gone, jobs have changed, we’ve had babies, now we’re raising them, and so on. Those things – the “stuff” of life isn’t as important as you may think. What is important is allowing each other to change, and to change together, in step.
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I totally feel like this is confirmation for me about who God has brought into my life at the moment. Who has been loving me with the most gracious and Christ resembling love I have ever seen so far. I have doubted and run in some ways afraid, and he has continued to pursue patiently and graciously towards me, and no matter what mistakes I have made his love has not wavered.
I struggled with doubts recently about whether this relationship was really from God, and God confirmed it yet again with the truths in this article just as come out of this trial……
The simple and grand fact that he is a Man running after God, and wants me by his side in all my brokenness he still see's beauty and worth and wants me to run beside him is now all I need in a future partner. I see that now and I am ever so thankful for this confirmation…..
<3 <3 <3 <3
August 1, 2012 at 1:17 am
This is a great pos! I completely agree. When my husband and I got married, many people told us we should wait until he had a secured job. But we decided to jump in and trust God to provide. I too would have had a checklist for future husband criteria and on that would have been a great job however, I have learned that a great job doesn't actually guarantee a great work ethic. Needless to say, a month after we got married he got a job and he has shown an awe-inspiring work ethic, commitment beyond the call of duty and has been greatly blessed because of it. He has inspired me and continues to do so. Also, I love Valeries comment about a man that runs after God and wants you right beside him. Thats a concept I definitely struggled with believing that he actually would want me beside him ( a whole nother can of worms that Jesus is healing in me :) ). But, discovering that this thing called marriage is Gods perfect plan and the image of His love story and that we both actually come to learn even more about Gods love toward us just by partnering together. I love this blog and all that you are doing! Keep it up ladies, its a great blessing!
August 1, 2012 at 4:53 am
I love this! Thank you! I am not married but I am dating an amazing man and…GASP! He is SHORTER than me! Haha! A lot of people seem to think it’s weird and sometimes I do too… but then I have to remind myself that God doesn’t judge us by something as silly as height! So who am I to judge men off that?! So, long story short,. I thought being a 6ft woman, I had to date a 6ft or above man. NOT TRUE! I love the man I'm with and won’t allow society’s idea of what a couple should be, define my relationship. :)
August 1, 2012 at 11:31 am
A great question with some great answers. Thank you, ladies.
My grandmother once said that when she was a girl, she used to dream that the man she married would have beautiful hands. Who knows why, but that was a quality she really valued at the time. She ended up marrying a man (my grandfather) with several missing fingers. I am always amused by this story. As a single woman it is good to remind myself that *some* of the qualities I think are important in a guy won't really matter in the end.
August 1, 2012 at 12:27 pm
First of all, I never wanted to get married, because I didn't have time for that mess. No way did I believe in "soulmates." I thought if I did fall for someone, that we'd be much older. He would be funny, but serious. And of course he would be super-Godly and have all his crap together. HA!
I met my husband in high school. He was the class clown, in a grade below mine. Before I even developed a crush on him, I had a fleeting thought that we would always be together. I was 16 years old at the time. I even wrote it in my diary lol. We were off and on from the time we were 18, but we got back together and stayed together a whole year and a half before getting married in 2005. We were only 22, but he's my best friend. This year makes 7 that we've been married. He still makes me laugh til I pee. Neither one of us are super-Christians, but we both love Jesus and we teach our 2 kids about Him. We have had ups and downs (and more to come) but I really believe we'll be together forever because we are soulmates.
August 1, 2012 at 2:28 pm
I have this huge list of things a guy must have and for some reason every guy I meet are always missing at least two of them. The waiting continues :|
August 1, 2012 at 10:39 pm
I do find it kind of funny that a 1.5 year age gap is this huge noteworthy deal – as long as you are out of high school, < 2 years means you're practically the same age!
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This is very important for a good relationship..
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