Ask A Married Woman: What Should I Ask Him Before We Get Married?
Editor’s Note: This month we are answering our readers’ questions to married women. So far we’ve talked about physically painful sex, initiating with guys, going from virgin to sexy, and being single and feeling left out. Looking for a whole post on how to identify a good man/good match? Here’s one of our most-loved posts of all time: What To Look For In A Man. – Lauren
QUESTION:What are the hard questions I should ask of a man BEFORE I get married? – Asked by a 30-year-old woman in a dating relationship
Prudy: 1. Does he watch porn? This is probably the hardest. I was crushed when I asked, but I needed to know, and it helps me to keep him accountable now. Have a conversation about it; don’t simply leave it at yes or no. 2. Does he want children? Most women probably think this is a given, but ask — he may, and you don’t or vice-versa. This decision has been known to break marriages. 3. What are his goals for life? Our plans and our goals change, but if he wants to move to New Guinea long term for missions and the thought of living in a hut makes your skin crawl, you want to know this ahead of time. BUT I want to emphasize with my 2 & 3 questions PRAY about each of your responses. Living in a hut may make your skin crawl now, but seven years down the road, you may not be able to imagine life apart from your little hut.
Katy Hill: I would say timeline for kids and realize that his answer most likely will not change, so be sure you’re on the same page. Also, know how he receives love best. (Like “love languages.”) Chances are he receives it in a different way than you do, and finding out the best way to show him love will make things so much better.
Alyssa Agee: I’m not sure this is a question per se, but something you should definitely know before getting married is how this man responds to your dreams. Will he encourage you, sacrifice for you, and want to be a part of the future you dream of? Does he enable you to pursue them or make pursuing them more difficult? Will there be give and take as you map out your hopes and aspirations? Would he be willing to alter his own expectations of the future to compliment yours?
Lauren Dubinsky: Ask if he watches porn. This is something you really need to have talked out before you get married. Ask if he will be willing to go to counseling. You’ll need/want this in your marriage, and you don’t want to be stuck with a man who won’t go. Figure out whose opinion in his life matters most. (Translated: Figure out where he’ll set boundaries with his parents or siblings, best friends, etc. Make sure your future husband is mature enough to know that he is responsible for the decisions you will BOTH be making in your marriage, together. And that your opinion comes above anyone else’s.)
Lindsay Satterfield: 1. Find out about his debt. Student loans and a car payment are different than maxed out Guitar Center and Best Buy credit cards. His debt becomes yours. If he has debt from a rough stage in life, that’s one thing — just make sure you know his current spending habits and how he views money. 2. Observe how he treats and talks to his mother. He likely will treat you the same. It’s a reflection of how he views women (with a few exceptions, of course).
Carley Lollie: One of the best topics my husband and I discussed pre-marriage was how we both dealt with conflict: do you need time to cool off before addressing it? How long will you let it go?
Rhiannon: 1. Ask your future husband if he is willing to put God FIRST in your marriage. 2. Find out if he is willing to be a leader in your marriage. This doesn’t mean you won’t have an opinion or a say. You just want to know that he can take responsibility in a relationship.
Caitlyn Stiffler: If he has any struggles/sin areas that you would be uncomfortable with (the most common one being lust). The three biggest issues during the first years of marriage are sex, money and lifestyle differences. You definitely want to be sure that you are on the same page with those! Be honest with yourself in regards to settling and whether or not he has any “habits” that you may not be willing to live with for the rest of your life. Those will be magnified when you’re spending that much time with someone.
From Our Twitter Followers:
@goodwomenprojAsk him: What’s your biggest fear about getting married?
— Sandra Glahn (@sandraglahn) July 13, 2012
@goodwomenproj Why do you want to marry me? Our pastor asked us this, and I can still remember my husband’s words.
— Rebecca Stewart (@Rebecca_Stewart) July 13, 2012
@goodwomenproj It’s so helpful for both the man & woman to ask specific questions about finances! What are your debts(!), goals, worries?
— Leslie Lee (@leslielaughs) July 13, 2012
@goodwomenproj What do you think makes someone a good wife? And hopefully he asks your def. of a good husband. Know expectations up front!
— Katie Kuykendall (@MobileKatie) July 13, 2012
@goodwomenproj I would ask him when the last time was that he looked at pornography — to start the conversation.
— Ally Vesterfelt (@allyvest) July 13, 2012
@goodwomenproj: Practical question- what are your views about making, saving, & giving money?
— Kaitlin McDuffie (@kaitlinmcduffie) July 13, 2012
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