Ask A Married Woman: What Should I Ask Him Before We Get Married?
Editor’s Note: This month we are answering our readers’ questions to married women. So far we’ve talked about physically painful sex, initiating with guys, going from virgin to sexy, and being single and feeling left out. Looking for a whole post on how to identify a good man/good match? Here’s one of our most-loved posts of all time: What To Look For In A Man. – Lauren
QUESTION:What are the hard questions I should ask of a man BEFORE I get married? – Asked by a 30-year-old woman in a dating relationship
Prudy: 1. Does he watch porn? This is probably the hardest. I was crushed when I asked, but I needed to know, and it helps me to keep him accountable now. Have a conversation about it; don’t simply leave it at yes or no. 2. Does he want children? Most women probably think this is a given, but ask — he may, and you don’t or vice-versa. This decision has been known to break marriages. 3. What are his goals for life? Our plans and our goals change, but if he wants to move to New Guinea long term for missions and the thought of living in a hut makes your skin crawl, you want to know this ahead of time. BUT I want to emphasize with my 2 & 3 questions PRAY about each of your responses. Living in a hut may make your skin crawl now, but seven years down the road, you may not be able to imagine life apart from your little hut.
Katy Hill: I would say timeline for kids and realize that his answer most likely will not change, so be sure you’re on the same page. Also, know how he receives love best. (Like “love languages.”) Chances are he receives it in a different way than you do, and finding out the best way to show him love will make things so much better.
Photo by Niki Zimmerman
Alyssa Agee: I’m not sure this is a question per se, but something you should definitely know before getting married is how this man responds to your dreams. Will he encourage you, sacrifice for you, and want to be a part of the future you dream of? Does he enable you to pursue them or make pursuing them more difficult? Will there be give and take as you map out your hopes and aspirations? Would he be willing to alter his own expectations of the future to compliment yours?
Lauren Dubinsky: Ask if he watches porn. This is something you really need to have talked out before you get married. Ask if he will be willing to go to counseling. You’ll need/want this in your marriage, and you don’t want to be stuck with a man who won’t go. Figure out whose opinion in his life matters most. (Translated: Figure out where he’ll set boundaries with his parents or siblings, best friends, etc. Make sure your future husband is mature enough to know that he is responsible for the decisions you will BOTH be making in your marriage, together. And that your opinion comes above anyone else’s.)
Lindsay Satterfield: 1. Find out about his debt. Student loans and a car payment are different than maxed out Guitar Center and Best Buy credit cards. His debt becomes yours. If he has debt from a rough stage in life, that’s one thing — just make sure you know his current spending habits and how he views money. 2. Observe how he treats and talks to his mother. He likely will treat you the same. It’s a reflection of how he views women (with a few exceptions, of course).
Carley Lollie: One of the best topics my husband and I discussed pre-marriage was how we both dealt with conflict: do you need time to cool off before addressing it? How long will you let it go?
Rhiannon: 1. Ask your future husband if he is willing to put God FIRST in your marriage. 2. Find out if he is willing to be a leader in your marriage. This doesn’t mean you won’t have an opinion or a say. You just want to know that he can take responsibility in a relationship.
Caitlyn Stiffler: If he has any struggles/sin areas that you would be uncomfortable with (the most common one being lust). The three biggest issues during the first years of marriage are sex, money and lifestyle differences. You definitely want to be sure that you are on the same page with those! Be honest with yourself in regards to settling and whether or not he has any “habits” that you may not be willing to live with for the rest of your life. Those will be magnified when you’re spending that much time with someone.
From Our Twitter Followers:
@goodwomenprojAsk him: What’s your biggest fear about getting married?
— Sandra Glahn (@sandraglahn) July 13, 2012
@goodwomenproj Why do you want to marry me? Our pastor asked us this, and I can still remember my husband’s words.
— Rebecca Stewart (@Rebecca_Stewart) July 13, 2012
@goodwomenproj It’s so helpful for both the man & woman to ask specific questions about finances! What are your debts(!), goals, worries?
— Leslie Lee (@leslielaughs) July 13, 2012
@goodwomenproj What do you think makes someone a good wife? And hopefully he asks your def. of a good husband. Know expectations up front!
— Katie Kuykendall (@MobileKatie) July 13, 2012
@goodwomenproj I would ask him when the last time was that he looked at pornography — to start the conversation.
— Ally Vesterfelt (@allyvest) July 13, 2012
@goodwomenproj: Practical question- what are your views about making, saving, & giving money?
— Kaitlin McDuffie (@kaitlinmcduffie) July 13, 2012
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I was thankful to see the comment about asking about kids/timeline for kids. I guess I haven't really thought much about that. Also, like the suggestion to ask why he wants to marry me (and sharing vice versa)… this month has been so encouraging and also just continues to give me hope about marriage/godly men/what's ahead for me! Thanks everyone who is sharing!!
July 13, 2012 at 2:47 pm
This is an AMAZING series of questions, ladies. As someone struggling through the divorce process right now, I would also add make sure you ask who has hurt them the most, in their childhood or past, and how they currently feel about that situation? If there is lots of pain, undealt with, it can create a myriad of problems in your own relationship. Also do NOT hesitate to ask about addictions, to anything. Gambling, smoking, drugs – you never know, unless you ask. They may have "given it up" temporarily to impress you, but if it's going to resurface later it's still harmful.
July 13, 2012 at 2:52 pm
A great follow up post would be…what if the answer to one or more of these questions presents a problem? Such as, he has porn addiction and hates it, but neither of you are willing to drop the relationship because of this one thing. Then what?
July 13, 2012 at 3:11 pm
My husband and I worked through "101 Questions to ask before you get Engaged." It made a WORLD of difference. A lot of things we had talked about already so we would re-talk or expand on those topics. However, going through a book together made it easier for tough topics to come up naturally. It doesn't feel so "accusing" when it comes to asking about your significant other's weaknesses, and brings courage when it comes to bringing up your own weaknesses! By the time we were engaged we were so comfortable with communicating that planning the wedding was a breeze, and our first year of marriage, well I can't think of a single surprise. Not that there were not arguments or disagreements…but we can BE OURSELVES. We respect and value each others opinions!! We're a team. We love each other, the strengths, weaknesses and all. Check the book out here: http://www.amazon.com/101-Questions-Ask-Before-En…
July 13, 2012 at 3:43 pm
This may be slightly off-topic, and is probably one those things that is different for every couple. When you talk about these things? In the getting to know you stage? Pre-engagement? Engagement? I was "talking" to someone a while back, and we talked about all these questions over the course of couple months before we even had our first real date. After the date, the guy decided that it wasn't time to pursue a long term relationship for various reasons. I loved that he asked me very purposeful, intentional questions. It made me think about things that I had not thought about before. But, looking back it set my heart up to believe we were headed for a serious, long-term relationship, but we had not had a date yet. It was pre-dating conversation. I'm so thankful for the things I learned from this man through these conversations, but at the same it has taken (and is continuing to take) a while to untangle my heart and move on. I'm curious what others think.
July 13, 2012 at 3:47 pm
When I start dating, I'm going to have my girlfriend read every article in gwp. You ladies are awesome.
July 13, 2012 at 5:44 pm
My husband and I went through an Engaged Encounter through the Couple to Couple League which really helped us. The most important question we discussed was, "What are a husband's 'jobs'? The wife's?"
It might sound silly, but we've found it immensely helpful to know what our expectations for each other were. For example, my husband thinks it is the man's job to wash the dishes. Score! We both thought it was our job to plan vacations, which means we both have the skills and enthusiasm to do it. Neither of us thinks it's our job to do home maintenance–we've had to learn to cooperate on this unwanted task.
July 13, 2012 at 9:00 pm
Ladies, when a guy is dealing with an addiction (whatever it may be), the first question to ask him is: Is he willing and ready to give that up for God and then you? Second: does he have strong godly men who can hold him accountable? And third: Is he humble and willing enough to be corrected and make necessary adjustments to change for better?.
July 15, 2012 at 12:07 am
This is really great stuff! One thing I would say as far as dealing with addiction of any kind is that just asking the question about it is not enough. An addiction is by nature hidden. He may not have reached a point where he is actually speaking the truth about whether he has an addiction or not. To find out the truth you need to take your time, go slow, get to know his friends and family. See if he is the same person to everyone. We often wear a different mask depending on who we want the current audience to see. This is true for anyone, male or female, dealing with any kind of addiction. Guard your heart and ask yourself if you are willing to go through the mud with him. Real love truly is not meant to give up when things go horrendously bad.
August 1, 2012 at 1:51 pm
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May 23, 2020 at 2:20 pm
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February 22, 2021 at 10:25 am