Ask A Married Woman: When You’ve Had Sex And He Hasn’t – Marrying A Virgin.
Editor’s Note: This month, we are answering our readers’ questions to married women. Today, one woman in our community has been willing to share her experience in marrying a man who was a virgin, while she was not. If this is you, and you are struggling in your relationship, I urge you to pursue counseling. I know it’s expensive, but I can tell you that I would give up one meal a day to be able to afford a weekly counseling session with the man I’m spending the rest of my life with. It’s worth it. – Lauren
QUESTION: For the women who had prior sexual experience and married a man who had none, how did you handle being in a position of “power”* in regards to your husband? Did his lack of know-how affect in any way your pleasure, or how you felt about the experience?
Editor: It worries me that we reference past sexual experience as “power”, implying that a lack of sexual experience removes someone from a position of power in the relationship. While I hope that the woman asking this question is not struggling with a sense of having power over her significant other, we are going to continue to address the second part of her question. If you, the reader, do feel there is a element of power that comes from sexual experience, I encourage you to discuss this openly with your partner and with another woman in your life that you respect. The media’s portrayal of sex is often tinged or even soaked in elements of power, control, objectification – and none of these are healthy, accurate elements of sex within an equal marriage. The marriage bed is one of mutual submission, love, and equality – despite all past history.
ANSWER [anon]: When I started dating my husband, I had recently gotten out of a relationship where we were having sex. I have always been a believer, but at that point in my life I wasn’t actively following Jesus. I met my husband about 2 weeks after I had broken up with my boyfriend, and after “talking” with my now-husband for about a week he told me that he was a virgin. A 21-year-old virgin! Not only that, but he wasn’t interested in having sex before marriage.
When the day finally came that we said ‘I do,’ all I was thinking about is how nervous I was that sex was going to be bad. (Though honestly, I had never had “good” sex before with someone because it was never for love). My wedding night was more than I could have ever hoped for.
I didn’t end up having an orgasm during sex, but I had married someone who loved me, and I thought it would get better with time. Even without having an orgasm, it was still an amazing experience – finally being with someone who valued me. Not just for my body and what I could do for them, but for who I was outside of that.
I went on for months without telling him that I was having issues. Since I didn’t think I was really upset or holding it against him, I figured I would just deal with it myself and pray about it. I knew that having “good sex” wasn’t just going to come naturally to either of us, but for awhile, I thought that if we just kept trying, it would “just get better.” But how can you expect someone to change what they’re doing during sex when they have no idea that it isn’t working for you? My mistake was in not telling him how I felt – and this applies to everyone – regardless of their experiences before marriage, or lack thereof.
Honestly, his lack of experience in the bedroom ended up being more of a positive than anything else. It made him more willing to learn and try different things to help me. And, I think it made him feel less insulted when things weren’t going quite the way he planned. Experience isn’t what makes sex good. It’s experience with that person, because we’re all different. For example, just because someone you slept with previously likes something, it absolutely doesn’t mean you’ll be “good at sex” for the person you marry. Pleasure comes in the trust and safety of the relationship, the emotional connection, and with learning their body. Yes, over time!
The two main things I think need to be highlighted here are COMMUNICATION and HUMILITY. After marriage, you can’t be ashamed of sex or your body. There is no room for faking it and hiding how you’re feeling. Once I was honest with him about what was going on, he was nothing but loving and understanding with me. We talked through it (I cried), we kept trying different things (I got frustrated a lot and cried), but overall he always made sure that even if it wasn’t during intercourse that I had an orgasm, that I was having a good time.
Sex gets better with communication being involved. Through communication comes the knowledge of your body and his. You gotta tell him what feels good. I know that society has made it seem awkward or out of place for women, but it is necessary to get to know each other’s bodies and to ask questions. After all, you plan on spending the rest of your life together.
The best times I’ve had in the bedroom have included some laughter when things don’t go as planned. We can laugh together because we are comfortable with each other! You don’t need to be experienced to have a healthy sex life once you’re married. You need a person who values you, desires you, and makes you feel safe. Especially in the bedroom. So much so that they are willing to do whatever it takes to make sex the best experience for you too.
Even if the sex isn’t “mind-blowing,” amazing, pornographic sex on your wedding night, that doesn’t mean it’s bad sex. And it doesn’t mean it will be exactly the same forever, either.
We’re so thankful for being able to share this story! But we do realize that no two women (and therefore no two couples) are exactly alike. If you want to share a bit of your story, or express things you’ve had to overcome in this relationship dynamic, PLEASE comment. This is where the discussion, friendships and community happens.
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