Ask A Married Woman: When You’ve Had Sex And He Hasn’t – Marrying A Virgin.
Editor’s Note: This month, we are answering our readers’ questions to married women. Today, one woman in our community has been willing to share her experience in marrying a man who was a virgin, while she was not. If this is you, and you are struggling in your relationship, I urge you to pursue counseling. I know it’s expensive, but I can tell you that I would give up one meal a day to be able to afford a weekly counseling session with the man I’m spending the rest of my life with. It’s worth it. – Lauren
QUESTION: For the women who had prior sexual experience and married a man who had none, how did you handle being in a position of “power”* in regards to your husband? Did his lack of know-how affect in any way your pleasure, or how you felt about the experience?
Editor: It worries me that we reference past sexual experience as “power”, implying that a lack of sexual experience removes someone from a position of power in the relationship. While I hope that the woman asking this question is not struggling with a sense of having power over her significant other, we are going to continue to address the second part of her question. If you, the reader, do feel there is a element of power that comes from sexual experience, I encourage you to discuss this openly with your partner and with another woman in your life that you respect. The media’s portrayal of sex is often tinged or even soaked in elements of power, control, objectification – and none of these are healthy, accurate elements of sex within an equal marriage. The marriage bed is one of mutual submission, love, and equality – despite all past history.
ANSWER [anon]: When I started dating my husband, I had recently gotten out of a relationship where we were having sex. I have always been a believer, but at that point in my life I wasn’t actively following Jesus. I met my husband about 2 weeks after I had broken up with my boyfriend, and after “talking” with my now-husband for about a week he told me that he was a virgin. A 21-year-old virgin! Not only that, but he wasn’t interested in having sex before marriage.
When the day finally came that we said ‘I do,’ all I was thinking about is how nervous I was that sex was going to be bad. (Though honestly, I had never had “good” sex before with someone because it was never for love). My wedding night was more than I could have ever hoped for.
I didn’t end up having an orgasm during sex, but I had married someone who loved me, and I thought it would get better with time. Even without having an orgasm, it was still an amazing experience – finally being with someone who valued me. Not just for my body and what I could do for them, but for who I was outside of that.
Photo by Branden Harvey / / Design by Lauren Dubinsky
I went on for months without telling him that I was having issues. Since I didn’t think I was really upset or holding it against him, I figured I would just deal with it myself and pray about it. I knew that having “good sex” wasn’t just going to come naturally to either of us, but for awhile, I thought that if we just kept trying, it would “just get better.” But how can you expect someone to change what they’re doing during sex when they have no idea that it isn’t working for you? My mistake was in not telling him how I felt – and this applies to everyone – regardless of their experiences before marriage, or lack thereof.
Honestly, his lack of experience in the bedroom ended up being more of a positive than anything else. It made him more willing to learn and try different things to help me. And, I think it made him feel less insulted when things weren’t going quite the way he planned. Experience isn’t what makes sex good. It’s experience with that person, because we’re all different. For example, just because someone you slept with previously likes something, it absolutely doesn’t mean you’ll be “good at sex” for the person you marry. Pleasure comes in the trust and safety of the relationship, the emotional connection, and with learning their body. Yes, over time!
The two main things I think need to be highlighted here are COMMUNICATION and HUMILITY. After marriage, you can’t be ashamed of sex or your body. There is no room for faking it and hiding how you’re feeling. Once I was honest with him about what was going on, he was nothing but loving and understanding with me. We talked through it (I cried), we kept trying different things (I got frustrated a lot and cried), but overall he always made sure that even if it wasn’t during intercourse that I had an orgasm, that I was having a good time.
Sex gets better with communication being involved. Through communication comes the knowledge of your body and his. You gotta tell him what feels good. I know that society has made it seem awkward or out of place for women, but it is necessary to get to know each other’s bodies and to ask questions. After all, you plan on spending the rest of your life together.
The best times I’ve had in the bedroom have included some laughter when things don’t go as planned. We can laugh together because we are comfortable with each other! You don’t need to be experienced to have a healthy sex life once you’re married. You need a person who values you, desires you, and makes you feel safe. Especially in the bedroom. So much so that they are willing to do whatever it takes to make sex the best experience for you too.
Even if the sex isn’t “mind-blowing,” amazing, pornographic sex on your wedding night, that doesn’t mean it’s bad sex. And it doesn’t mean it will be exactly the same forever, either.
We’re so thankful for being able to share this story! But we do realize that no two women (and therefore no two couples) are exactly alike. If you want to share a bit of your story, or express things you’ve had to overcome in this relationship dynamic, PLEASE comment. This is where the discussion, friendships and community happens.
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This has been one of my biggest fears for the majority of my adult life. I'm 24 now. I lost my virginity when I was 19. I have spent countless hours agonizing over telling my future husband (who is a virgin) that I wasn't a virgin and in my mind the only response he could have would be that of utter disgust and disappointment. But you know what? I told him about 6 weeks into our dating relationship and he wrapped his arms around me and held me and whispered in my ear, "I'm not going anywhere. I accept you for who you were, who you are, and who you are going to be. But know that God feels the exact same way and He is forever." This was truly one of the most freeing experiences of my life. I hated myself for giving my body and soul away so easily to a stupid and silly boy like that and I didn't believe some man could accept my past. But I was wrong. We've been dating over a year now and on our way to marriage. Thank you for sharing your story. It gives me encouragement for the day when I can join with my husband and experience sex together.
July 18, 2012 at 3:35 pm
Great post. Thanks for your words! I think a lot of your post is applicable to my next question, but maybe there's some additional (or different) thoughts someone might have…. I am wondering if any women (or men) have wisdom regarding the opposite situation – a virgin woman with a man with a sexual past before meeting said virgin woman. Before and after marriage, what it was like to know your man has been with other women… Knowing how visual men are, wondering if he thinks about them and visualizes his past experiences… How to deal with this in the dating phase, engaged phase, married phase… How to set boundaries before marriage, how to be confident after marriage… Any thoughts?
July 18, 2012 at 3:36 pm
Hi Sage, this was my exact experience. I was a virgin and we were nearly engaged before I found out he was not. I was really mad about that at the time, but you really have to know my husband to understand why he didn't tell me. For him, it was once when he was in high school and although he dated a few other girls and was even engaged to one before me he didn't sleep with any of them. For him, he was already forgiven and moved passed it. For me, it was a new wound. I talked to my parents about it and a few others I trusted. The biggest question was, "was it going to be a deal breaker". I thought about it a lot, but in the end, I knew it wasn't. I knew he loved me like no other man and that I trusted him with his relationship with God and with my heart. I have to say, I have brought it up every now and then, which I don't think is the best idea. I read somewhere that you can never use it as ammunition against them, so I really try not to.
Being a virgin when I was married was always a big deal, I wore a purity ring until I was engaged and all that. I would be lying if I didn't say it didn't hurt me, or that I didn't think about it, especially in the early days, but all I can tell you is that I let it go. What can be done about it? If I can't let it go, then I should not have said yes when he asked me to marry him. For me, it's not about what someone has or hasn't done, it's about who they are now. If you trust who they are and their relationship with God now, that is where all the peace lies. My husband told me that he wouldn't even allow himself to consider looking at me sexually until we were nearly married and that now that we are married he chooses to choose me again, every day. But that is the wonderful man God brought me, mistakes and all, who is more like Jesus to me than anyone else I have ever met in my life. I think it's a lot like our relationship with the Lord, formulas leave us feeling lost and scared and worried, but when we know and trust the Lord and who He is we can have faith and confidence in who HE is. I knew myself and so many people who loved me had been praying for this man for me for years (I got married when I was 27) and I am so thankful for him in my life!
I hope that helps, a little?!!
July 18, 2012 at 4:49 pm
Ahley – I wonder if you could answer a question please. 1) Why were you mad? Was it because he wasn't a virgin or was it because he took so long to tell you?
Reading the posts just looks one sided – you have a woman who wasn't a virgin who's boyfriend was so loving when she told him. Also she calls the guy that she lost her virginity to 'stupid' and 'silly'. Then we have a woman who's husband was not a virgin and she talks about how mad she was when she found out. Bringing it up every now and then is a bad thing to do. Imagine your best friend wasn't a virgin and their spouse was before marriage then after marriage the spouse kept bringing it up and your friend was upset by this – what would you say? Let's look at all people equally. And we have no right to call anyone stupid or silly – that's judgemental
July 23, 2012 at 11:54 am
Yeah, I was mad because he hadn't told me something I felt was very important information just weeks before almost being engaged, as if he were withholding information. But I know now he was not intentionally doing that.
July 23, 2012 at 12:33 pm
I'm also wondering the same question as Sage. I was a virgin (a southern raised, have to be perfect, purity is mandatory, Pastor's daughter) when I met my non-virgin (now) husband and it has been a really difficult road for us. We are now married (a month and a half in) and in the throws of are learning about each other. Keeping the lines of communication open has been key for us, and he has been nothing but supportive but I know it's hard for him at times too. It's been a battle, to let go of the "ideal" that I had. To accept him as he is, for everything that he was, and still feel like somehow he got to have his cake and eat it too. I'm jealous of the experiences he had, and I wish he never had them at the same time. I too wonder if he thinks about them and visualizes his past experiences, and it's painful to think about. If any other (more seasoned) married women were in the same situation, I'd love to hear their thoughts, and how they overcame their struggles (if they had similar ones).
July 18, 2012 at 4:12 pm
Sage & Jen – My husband and I have been married 4 years and I was a virgin when we got married and he wasn't. At first, it was difficult to get in rhythm with each other's bodies but I don't think that really had anything to do with us being on a different virginity page. Sage – as far as dating and engaged phases – we had (what I would call) strict physical boundaries which really helped build up the suspense of getting to "be" with each other for the first time. This time helped us grow closer emotionally before we really dove into the physical realm. Jen and Sage – as far as being confident after marriage, here's what you have to remember: no matter your husband's previous sexual history, he chose YOU to have sex with for the rest of his life. The worst thing you can do as his wife is to let the enemy invade your bedroom and fill your head with thoughts of his previous lovers. He wants nothing more than to drive a wedge between the intimacy of a marriage. I would dare to say that sex with you will be unlike any other experience he's had. He chased you, he loves you, he asked you to be his wife, he wants you forever. The sex in that kind of relationship will be infinitely more special than any other woman. Jen, I struggled in the beginning as well. Then I realized that my worries were interfering with my sex life with my husband. Let me say that again – my worries were interfering with my sex life with my husband – something I had been waiting for and excited for my whole life! I made a conscious decision to just get over it (easier said than done) and honestly, 4 years later I would say I MIGHT think about this issue once a year, if that much. We all bring baggage into a marriage, we have to forgive and move on. After all, the Lord doesn't remember our transgressions. We'd be doing ourselves a big favor if we strived for that. (I hope I haven't minimized the emotional difficulty with this issue, I know it's there, I just want you all to know that you can move past it and have an amazing sex life with your husband!!!)
July 18, 2012 at 4:46 pm
"No matter your husband's previous sexual history, he chose YOU to have sex with for the rest of his life. The worst thing you can do as his wife is to let the enemy invade your bedroom and fill your head with thoughts of his previous lovers."
Yes, yes, yes, and yes. I also want to say that just because I've had sex before marriage doesn't make my husband's past sexual history hurt any less. Nor does it make my sexual history hurt him any less. The reality that I've had to come to terms with is that both of us are BRAND NEW creations in Jesus, and we must choose to see each other as such. If Jesus sees my husband as a brand new man, with a brand new heart, who is fully forgiven – then I can choose to see him that way too. And at the end of the day, the one and only thing that matters is that my husband has chosen me to be the only woman he spends the rest of his life with. <3
July 18, 2012 at 5:29 pm
I'm so glad that this conversation is happening on this blog right now. My now boyfriend (who I plan to marry) is not a virgin but I am. We are both really struggling with it. Reading all of these comments help more than you could ever know! thank-you!
August 1, 2012 at 1:14 pm
Hi Jen,
I think I can offer some advice. First off, my longtime boyfriend and I cannot afford to get married. I'm 30, he's a little older, but we met in our mid-20s. We've been together more than 5 years now, and are married in our hearts–until we can finally muster enough cash to have a wedding.
Case-in-point, I was a virgin when we met; he was not.
Yes, we've had sex, although we waited almost a year into our relationship before doing so. So I think our situation is similar to yours, minus the marriage (but we have the experience). Here's the thing: I've never felt jealous of his ex or past experiences with her. I think it's because I know how much MORE I mean to him. He makes it apparent every day. I therefore have nothing to be jealous about. He's not the type to look at other girls when we're out. He dotes on me like a princess, and that makes everything OK. It builds trust between us, and I think trust is the key word here.
Being that you married your husband, I would imagine he probably dotes on you the same way. If he does, just know in your heart that you truly have nothing to be jealous about. There is only you for him now, and forever. I am positive that he does NOT think of those other girls when you're together. Give yourselves time. You will get better at "it," and I think with more experience, you'll also gain confidence.
Most importantly, however, you cannot hold his past experiences against him. If you do that, you will see the ropes of trust begin to unwind. It doesn't sound like you're doing that, though. I just thought I'd mention it. :-)
Congrats on getting married!
July 18, 2012 at 6:00 pm
i sincerely appreciate the anon comment highlighted in the article about how experience isn't what makes sex good, but experience with that particular person (the one you'll spend your life with). there's so much more to sex than just how bodies fit together!
having had sex with another person before my (virgin) husband didn't mean i still didn't have a ton to learn. everyone's different, every couple works differently together and while i was maybe a little more familiar with the mechanics of it all, i most certainly didn't feel like had any more 'power' in our relationship than he did. if anything, i had more to work through in regards to sex being associated with guilt and regret (as in, every time ex BF and i would have sex, we'd step back, say that shouldn't happen again and feel badly about it. every stinking time.)
July 18, 2012 at 4:17 pm
Oh, I have so many opinions in response to the comments that I don’t know where to start. I am in the same situation (married a little less than a year).
First, I’m realizing how much I hate the way abstinence was taught to me. As Christians, we shouldn’t have premarital sex for reasons relating to our future spouses. I feel like I heard the phrase “saving yourself for your future spouse” so much that I thought it was biblical. I also now really dislike how people talked about being worth waiting for. We follow what God has commanded because He’s an incredible God who loves us and wants what is best for us. He created sex for marriage because that’s the best place for it, when it binds a husband and wife together and grows their intimacy. I felt like when I found out about my husband, I thought it somehow meant something about me, that I wasn’t worth waiting for. And that my husband had given away something that should have been mine. But I realized, my husband is ultimately not mine – he belongs to God. I had to tear down all the “Christian” propaganda I had been taught. My husband didn’t fail me with his past, because his virginity didn’t belong to me. I don’t understand who invented that idea.
Nevertheless, I still struggle. It’s been a battle to not listen to the enemy tell me lies about my husband and not to feel like my expectations should have been met. Even if I can be rational about it, it’s hard to get those emotions to follow. I would definitely recommend talking and talking about it with him about what YOU are thinking and ASK him what he is thinking and feeling. I love hearing about how beautiful he finds me. Also, we both felt really broken when he first told me, and that’s okay. It was really good for me to see how much he was worried about hurting me. And I wasn’t as instantly forgiving As the husband in the post. It took me a long time to pray through but I was so glad I was honest with myself and him.
I would highly recommend NOT learning any details about the past. They will not do you any good. Pray, pray, pray constantly. Ask God to heal your heart and help you see what is truth and what are lies. If you’re feeling bold, pray for those other women (man, it kills me!) and for their salvation.
Overall, remember that God is glorified even through all our weaknesses.
(sorry for any typos or strange sentences. I’m typing this on an iPhone in an airport and don’t know if this all makes sense.)
July 18, 2012 at 4:51 pm
"My husband didn't fail me with his past, because his virginity didn't belong to me."
This line is incredible.
July 18, 2012 at 5:30 pm
I think people talk about 'giving away the gift that was meant for your husband' etc because of passages in the bible which talk about the husband's body belonging to the wife and vice verses: "The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife." (1 Corinthians 7:4) So the idea was 'invented' by God speaking through Paul to the church in Corinth. But then I guess you weren't married when he lost his virginity so maybe you're right… I'm confused!
July 19, 2012 at 6:51 pm
The verse says that the body of the person belongs to their spouse. Not their virginity. It's saying that the two who are married should not have sexual relations with other people. It is also encouraging the idea that the two are one, and so that neither should in general do anything for one's self that could hurt the other. It says nothing about virginity, though obviously it is better and healthier when it does work out that way.
This next part is just my own interpretation, but I see the verse as a double-edged sword in that since each person in the marriage owns the other's body, they must accept whatever previously happened to the other person's body. They have to take all of that person, not just the parts they don't like.
In my personal opinion, while it is better to save virginity as a gift to be given away in marriage, if we then turn around and say that those of us who are virgins *deserve* that gift, then we have forgotten Christ's central teaching that all of us have sinned and fall short of the glory of God and so deserve not a thing.
July 19, 2012 at 8:59 pm
I was a virgin and my husband had a past. He still had to learn what works with me, and, of course, be understanding and patient with my fears at the very beginning. But I was so looking forward to our honeymoon that I pushed past those fears pretty quickly (I think) because I wanted to enjoy the gift I felt God made for me, and I wanted to please my husband. He made the whole experience every bit as wonderful as I could have imagined or asked for, and it has been a consistently happy experience for me ever since. I'm very thankful for that, because I know that it's very different for some other women.
I have heard of women having major emotional battles getting adjusted to a regular sex life after years of saving themselves and viewing sex as something prohibited. It made a HUGE difference for me that, well before I'd met my husband, I had learned to think of sex as a beautiful and healthy thing, and even blessed and holy–when enjoyed within marriage. So that I didn't have a lot of hangups that I was doing something dirty when the time came. It was more like… say, opening a gift and knowing that the Giver wants you to fully appreciate it.
I can echo some of the comments above–we had to learn each other and the ideas of what makes good sex to "everyone else" don't matter, only what works for us. My lack of experience was good because I can't compare him to anyone. I needed to close the door to thinking of his experience and not let insecurity about my looks make me so self-conscious that I would be unable to be comfortable. He has never said anything or acted in a way that reminded me that there has been anyone but me, so that hasn't been difficult at all. I'd say that's pretty important.
It was after I knew I was attracted to him, but before we started dating, that I learned of my husband's past. I had only experienced kissing and petting with a couple of guys but he had experienced everything with more than a couple of girls. This was not a small thing for me and I needed to take time to process what he shared about his past and pray about it. I have heard it advised that you must decide in your heart to never bring up your spouse's past in conflict, and I really believe that is a critical boundary. I needed to be solidly sure that I was able to commit to that. I wanted to be solidly sure of my feelings about him before anything began between us. I felt like that was only fair.
My own thought process was simple (for me, anyway): my own mom had had a past before she gave her life to God and was changed. If her transformation was valid–and I know it absolutely is–then how is it any different for anyone else? I mean, the past is the past, and she is not that person anymore. Niether is he. If I really believed God did that, then it means he and I are on equal plain. I felt that if I were to say, 'I can't get past your past' it would be equal to saying, 'I don't think that you are really a new person.' I'd be looking at him through the lens of who he was, not who he is. But I DO believe that, so, for me, this was just another way to reaffirm and apply that belief.
Some people look at these things and feel that a virgin "deserves" a virgin, but I think that reasoning is flawed. My marrying as a virgin was nothing to my credit. It was the grace of God. I still lost innocence through wrong relationship choices. I think God is far more concerned with purity of heart and character, than a physical technicality. So I looked at the character of this man and saw a person who loves God and loves me, and is exactly what I needed. I have never regretted that choice.
It's awfully personal but I think our sharing through safe places (like Good Women) is helpful so that everyone can get the understanding they need to get their relationship to the place it needs to be. So if anyone relates to this, I hope that it somehow encourages you!!!
July 18, 2012 at 5:15 pm
Thank you A.M. and other ladies! Your words are so encouraging and helpful. I think on the inside, these thoughts have been there, but I haven't always wanted to believe them… Part of me is still selfish and still thinks I "deserve" something (which I don't), and a teeny corner of my heart still doesn't want to "give in" (which shouldn't feel like giving in) to accepting him for who he is… But hearing all this from other women who have been through similar experiences is so comforting. Reminds me of what is true, who God really is, and the power he has to truly transform and change people's lives. Thank you for sharing :)
July 19, 2012 at 1:50 pm
If I did not know it used to happen all the drama people attach to the issue of virgins getting married would convince me it never happened before now.
I wish the church would teach on sex so people would understand the largest sex organ is the brain.
Communication is what good sex is really all about. I am a mom. I have never been married. I am telling my daughter things my mother did not tell me.
Families too are important when it comes to passing on information for helping couples get off to a good start. It is great to have support online but that would not be the first design of God for our lives.
July 18, 2012 at 5:24 pm
This was a really interesting piece to read as a man, and the comments are so enlightening! I was a virgin when my wife and I were married 30 years ago and she was not. She told me all about her past life before so we knew what we were getting into. We discovered that when it comes down to it your past is really irrelevant if your intention is to marry the person God intends for you to be with. We were with the one we were making a lifelong commitment to. We were each mapping the contours of a body only we would know. We were explorers in a new territory. We were both virgins in that sense regardless of our past. We were a new creation.
July 19, 2012 at 2:02 am
Now as a widower, I'm beginning to wonder what will happen. I believe I will be in a new relationship and marriage again one day, I wonder now what it will be like if I marry a woman who will be more experienced than I since I was only ever with one woman. It's a silly thought and one that just shows how I've let the world's values creep into my thinking. And then I remember that it will be just like before. No matter what our history, we will still be explorers in virgin territory together. And now while I am in the relationship-less space, I realize that I have to watch what I do now so I don't have to explain my actions to my future wife
July 19, 2012 at 2:02 am
First, I have truly loved reading every comment today. Thank you all for sharing and showing so much honesty and compassion. It's beautiful and I pray you each find love and peace in your hearts.
I, unfortunately, am not a virgin and I'm not married.
((Dear married people, please don't automatically disregard this post!))
Despite my standards and morals NOW, I am very experienced sexually and it's something I am going to one day have to share and communicate with my future husband about. It will be something that will take time and effort to work through, but I know the right person God has for me will be willing to do so with me. I hope and pray he can be as understanding and supportive as some of your significant others have been.
However, I will say I was at least fortunate enough to have an amazing "first." Some may disagree with that statement, but I have to say that I would have rather had it that way than someone who didn't care about me at all. No, it wasn't the first it should have been, but for not being married I don't know many experiences that could have been better. I was with someone I loved completely and that loved me completely. Well, as much of love as an unmarried couple could have.
Point is, he was not a virgin. Far from. I on the other hand was. Sex was a HUGE deal. My feelings for this man were a HUGE deal.
He was my first love and when he first shared his 'number' with me, I broke down crying. Like any ridiculous child would. Yes, I was 18 and so very much a child.
However, after a few moments of crying, I stumbled upon a realization and I would like to say with that realization, I took a step towards becoming a woman and understanding love just little bit more…
I realized, those other girls were apart of his past… His past is what made him the person I was so incredibly in love with. Yes, even those other girls that will forever hold a specific number in his life, them too. They all were apart of his past and had those women not been in his life, he wouldn't have been the same person; in turn, our love wouldn't have been the same. It probably wouldn't have been love at all.
Again, my point is (yes I know I'm not married and I have SO.MUCH.TO.LEARN.) if marriage is anything like what that experience was, your significant others will love you and cherish you no matter what. They will also appreciate all the things that have made you who you are, including all those of your past. Hard pill to swallow for both parties, of course. Something that causes strife and a barrier between you two, I would surely hope not. It shouldn't be. Truly, we are singling out sex here because of course, it's one of the most important parts of marriage; but there are other parts to it too! You may not be a virgin while your mate is, but they may struggle with something else; pornography, budgeting, lying, stealing, profanity, drinking, the list is endless. We all have our own demons, but if we all held each others shortcomings and troubled pasts over each others heads, NO ONE WOULD BE MARRIED.
No, I'm not saying go jump anything that walks, nor am I trying to provide an excuse for my shortcomings. My heart is broken I can't give that gift to my future husband and I strive everyday to become stronger and the women he will need me to be one day. However, I AM saying that if God can forgive us, understand us, and love us in spite of all the wrong we have done/do/and will do, we can and should do the same for spouses.
"Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins." -1 Peter 4:8
July 19, 2012 at 3:13 pm
This is amazing. My husband and I were both "technically" virgins when we got married, but I really wish I had read all this! I struggled because he was so much older and had had so many more relationships than I had. I was jealous of all the other women he had dated and kissed. I was always wondering if he was kissing me "that way" because someone else had liked it.
You ladies are right: we are all so flawed. Honesty and grace are the only things that will get us through marriage no matter what our pasts were like.
July 19, 2012 at 3:30 pm
I was my husband's first everything- first girlfriend, first kiss, first everything. When we got married, it was like a fairy tale. Fairy tale wedding, fairy tale honeymoon, etc. However, the actual sex was awkward. I was used to sleeping with boyfriends that took over sexually and the deed was done, no emotional attachment. Being with my husband, it was weird at first. Not only was he inexperienced sexually, but I was inexperienced in connecting sex and love. It was difficult at first, but it does get better with practice, ha!
July 19, 2012 at 5:19 pm
I definitely resonate with what you are saying about being used to boyfriends that "take over sexually" and have experience, but the man I am with now, and will be marrying very soon is a very similar situation to yours. i am his first girlfriend, kiss, etc. I am worried that I will spend my so long teaching him and that it will be awkward.
August 9, 2012 at 9:22 pm
Thank you all for sharing so openly. I married less than two months ago as a 35-year-old virgin. I made my decision to wait for marriage as an 18-year-old who had just read Elisabeth Elliott's "Passion and Purity." I'm so thankful for that decision, as it has protected me from many things in the years since.
However, I wanted SO BADLY to find a husband who had also waited for me. I don't think I understood completely how destructive the idea that I "deserved" a virgin had become in my life. It is definitely a prideful notion. As I grew older, I opened myself up to the idea of dating someone divorced or widowed, though in some ways I felt like I was compromising.
On our second date, my now-husband very nervously told me that he had previously been married for seven years. His ex-wife was the only person he had ever been with, but their relationship did not begin in a pure manner. For him, that marriage was based largely on guilt and trying to "fix" a wrong. In the near decade since his ex-wife left him, he grew closer to the Lord and decided he would remain abstinent until marriage. He had asked God for forgiveness and had finally forgiven himself. I could tell he was broken and so afraid that this confession would jeopardize his chances with me.
I knew it would be difficult for me to come to terms with his past and before the wedding I think I fooled myself into believing that it wouldn't be that hard of a transition. But since the wedding I have had such a hard time accepting his past. I'm so thankful for the poster above who stated that our spouses' virginity does not belong to us because I feel like she (his ex) stole something that should have been mine. And I've been struggling with how to forgive someone I've never met. I don't have a problem forgiving him, but forgiving her is so much more a struggle! I (in fact, we) have prayed for her together and prayed that I'll be able to get past this.
I have a lot of fear that he'll compare me to her, especially since much of their relationship was physically-based and I have absolutely NO experience. How could I compete with his memory of her and their sex life together? In turn, my husband has his own insecurities and has said he wants to protect me from ever having to know what it's like to "intimately know" anyone else.
When he is tired and doesn't want to be intimate, I struggle with questioning if it is normal or if it is because sex isn't new and exciting for him like it is for me. I feel like I have more of a hunger to be with him then he has, which surprised me and my preconceived notions about men and their appetite for sex. Sometimes I feel like he gave away all his passion to his ex and then I feel cheated and upset with him. And I know it isn't fair.
Anyway, that is my long way of saying that reading these comments has given me insight into unhealthy thought processes going on in my head and things I can pray that God will help me work through and understand. He gave me an amazing man who loves me incredibly, I have no doubts of that. My husband deserves a wife that accepts him for who he was and who he is today. I hate the idea that when I have these troubles accepting that it might be making my him feel regret again for something he had already worked through. Thanks to you all.
July 20, 2012 at 2:47 pm
Very interesting topic! I've never been in such a situation but I love the two key words in this post, COMMUNICATION and HUMILITY! These two words are very important even out of the context of sex within a relationship/marriage. These two words apply to just about any relationship; with a friend, family member, lover, husband, etc…
Well written and great advice for the woman who asked the question!
July 23, 2012 at 7:53 am
I LOVE what Tiffany, above, had to say. My future husband's body- that is, if he IS out there somewhere!!!- does not belong to me. I don't know him. Even he is out there having sex with someone else, he's not failing me…I am more concerned that either he would come to know the Lord in personal or return to Christ and be transformed by Gods grace in an intimate relationship with him. To me, it's ultimately incredibly freeing to come to that realization.
I am in my early twenties and a virgin. Even at my Christian college, few of my friends are virgins and since honestly most people aren't (by the time they hit their 20s) chances are that most of us who marry as virgins will be marrying someone who is not. Right? I am much more concerned with the purity of both our hearts in the present worrying about if a guy has a scandalous past. Because people change! Jesus changes people, we camt forget that, and its important for us to live like we believe it! I think it's so important to be honest with ourselves, and for me that means even though I am a virgin, I don't have a squeaky clean past either! Every single one of us has baggage that we carry into marriage (I looked at porn on several occasions in high school and I think in God's eyes that is the same as if I'd been sleeping around..) but thanks to the redemptive work of Christ on the cross, we have been set free from many forms of bondage and though we still have struggles, can live not as victims of our past (or our spouse's) but as overcomers. What tremendous freedom this gives us- in our minds and hearts! I really really hope that if one day I am in this situation, I am able to react in a way that reflects the mercy and grace shown to me in Christ in response to my sin.
July 24, 2012 at 12:35 am
I recently had this talk with my boyfriend about my past vs. his (I have a much more colourful past than him). The thing he said to me that absolutely broke me down was that he believes that when God forgives, He also forgets, so how can he (my boyfriend) elevate himself to a place above God to say that he is going to hold something against me that God has already forgiven and forgotten. Even more so, he told me that I didn't sin against him and so he has nothing to hold against me; I've dealt with God on how I have sinned against the Lord and that is what matters. I am not that person anymore and the past was dealt with once for all on the cross. I feel like the unbelievable grace which he has lavished on me has shown me so much deeper the grace of God.
July 26, 2012 at 12:08 am
For single Christian women that desire to be married: How do you forgive yourself after you've had sex outside of marriage? At times, I cannot help but feel like "damaged goods" and like no godly man will ever want me. Yes, I know that God forgives and that He transforms us into new creations; but how do you come to "forgive yourself" for the foolish decisions that you've made in the past?
Thanks in advance for any of your responses. ;-)
September 6, 2012 at 1:34 pm
I don't mean to bring up old scars or step on the toes of any of the other readers. I’m going to be very honest here. Whenever I hear the whole “she may not be a virgin but as long as she loves Jesus what matters?” bit I get incredibly aggravated. Why, you ask? Because I’m a virgin and I’m waiting until I’m married. What people are telling me is that I should be willing to love my wife despite her having built some sort of sexual history because in the end we all have shortcomings and imperfections. I fully understand that point but let’s reverse the situation for a minute. On the same note this means that my virginity is also inconsequential. So what incentive is there for me to wait for my wife? Being a man in this over-sexualized society clearly isn’t easy. I’m fighting an uphill battle against my physiological urges, peer-pressure, etc. If in the end we’re just supposed to forgive each other and move past it all what exactly makes this entire endeavor worthwhile? I’ve been trying and praying for a wife that has waited for me the same way I’ve waited for her so as a result I’ve denied myself the opportunity to date women that clearly love the Lord but have lost their virginity some time earlier on in life. I feel like the only way for me to get over this mental barrier is to simply lose my own virginity so I can “level the playing field.” If I wasn’t a virgin I’d have virtually no issue dating a woman who wasn’t either. I feel like throwing my virginity away would allow me to “access” the other 99% of the women in the church who also engaged in pre-marital sex. I’ve tried desperately to change my attitude about this and asked God if it was possible to simply give me a change of heart. I envied my fellow Christian brothers who can dismiss their future spouse’s sexual history so easily. I wanted to think like them just to make things easier on myself. I’ve prayed for my eyes to be opened but no dice. I can’t seem to get passed this. In my mind it always breaks down the same way. As a virgin I’m only willing to marry another virgin. As a non-virgin I would be willing to marry another non-virgin. In a nutshell I'm at the end of my rope here and I want to throw in the towel. Any food for thought?
September 10, 2012 at 8:25 pm
Now, there may be some misunderstanding on my part of what you are saying, because that is inevitable since this is not a face to face communication. However, I am going to be bold in answering your frustrations. Hopefully it will be of some use, even if that use is to reject my opinion.
I don't think the writer intended to say that virginity is inconsequential. But simply, to explore the implications of marrying someone who did lose their virginity before marriage, and to offer a point of view on how you might begin to interact with each other after the fact. Interacting with forgiveness and not holding anothers' sin against them; not allowing it to have power in the relationship; not keeping it secret, but having open communication that is saturated with Christ- like grace and compassion for the other person. Part of the reason God became partly human was to understand our struggle against the mess we created, so that he might save us through intercession.
At the same time, I don't think virginity's significance hinges on if your partner is a virgin, but rather it hinges on God's greatest desires for you. Virginity, in a perfect world, would provide you the chance to have an amazing bond with one person later on in marriage, that was beautifully God-intended. However, people screw up, and because we are given grace and called to repentance, we don't brush off our sins as if they didn't matter. We learn from the mistake and try and turn our lives toward God's kingdom in the world. I think, if we treated the loss of virginity as trivial and unimportant heading into marriage, we would be bound to make mistakes. Similar to learning from history so it does not repeat itself. I don't think one moves past their sin, but recognizes the wrong and learns from it. Your incentive to wait comes from God, not another human.
In a sense, it saddens me that you've disregarded many women on the basis of their virgin status. Some people who have had horrific and dark life experiences, either which they invited into their life or instances that just happened, now know the love of Christ. Because of their past, it has allowed more wisdom, peace, joy, and humility with God than people who have been "raised Christian". My fiancee had a terribly reckless adolescence and practiced Wicca for a large part of his life. Similar to the apostle Paul, he tried to turn people away from Christianity. Jesus rescued him from multiple dangerous situations, and he accepted Christ as his savior. I believe that God brought him into my life because of his past, as he has helped me work through the brokenness in my life. This is partly because has lived through ultimate brokenness and heartache. I don't think that any other person could do that. He is an amazing godly man, and has more insight and peace with God than myself, and I've been a believer since age 6.
So, I think you may be doing a disservice to yourself by avoiding these people. You have no idea the plans God may have for your life, or who He may desire you to meet and how they may help you grow to love God more. If I had reserved my love for only another seemingly perfect believer, there is no way they could have handled my struggles and deepest secrets with grace and empathy. The truth is, we all have dark struggles within ourselves…and searching out people who we think we will be able to understand limits us. I didn't ever think I could understand someone who practiced witchcraft and was redeemed, or someone who was an alcoholic, or had a drug addiction and was rehabilitated. But God knew differently, and it has been so much better than I could have ever imagined.
….
October 2, 2012 at 4:35 pm
If I was your future wife, I would be so much happier if you had waited. If you wait – you will never regret it. But if you do go ahead and have sex before you're married – you are inviting pain and regret and issues and sadness and things to work through. Of course, if you make a mistake – there is forgiveness, but just because we are forgiven doesn't mean there aren't lingering negative consequences, which I have mentioned above.
November 15, 2012 at 7:03 am
You could argue this about any sin issue. What's the point in not sinning if God just forgives us anyway? You should remain a virgin because you love God and trust He knows what is best for you. He invented sex, He knows how it works best. Virginity is not inconsequential in the way that serving and obeying the Lord is never inconsequential, you reap the benefits of the relationship with him. It's not about being able to marry a virgin it's about saving yourself the pain and heartache that can come along with pre-marital sex, not to mention pregnancy or STDs, but most importantly it's about trusting that God knows better than you do what is best for your soul. No one "deserves" to marry a virgin because they waited. We all sin, and we all sin in ways that hurt other people and can sometimes hurt our future spouse. If God wills for you to marry someone who is a virgin you will, if he happens to have someone else planned for you who made a mistake and got caught up in sexual sin in their past, God will give you the power to forgive her. And hopefully you would be in love with this person and forgive them because you love them, just as God forgives us because he loves us. He doesn't just forgive us because ultimately sin doesn't matter. It does matter, it damages our relationships with those around us and most importantly with Him, but he forgives us anyway and I hope you would do the same for your future wife regardless of what sins she committed.
December 11, 2012 at 3:44 am
Try to remember that you remaining a virgin should have more to do with your wanting to please God and your relationship with Him, than a future desire to please your wife (although it WILL please her as well!). Remember that we all sin in different ways and God's grace is enough to wash us clean. I was a virgin and my husband was not. He had made a mistake and had sinned sexually and has paid dearly for it. There are still consequences in our relationship today from his decision to sin in that way nearly 20 years ago. I would be lying if I said it doesn't hurt me a lot of the time that he has this past that includes another intimate relationship, experiences, and a marriage that lasted a decade. While all that time I was out there waiting for him. But today he loves the Lord, he has changed, God has transformed his life. He is worthy of God's love and my love. I pray every day that God will help me love and accept him as I should; that Satan won't take advantage of my insecurities to cause turmoil in our marriage. Is our's the perfect union I had hoped for? No–few things in life are. But is he the perfect gift God chose to give me? Yes. Keep yourself pure and keep yourself open to whoever God gifts as your future spouse.
January 3, 2013 at 9:51 am
…I don't think the only way to remove the barrier in your life is to lose your own virginity, and I hope you have not hinged the solution to your problems on that. People don't have to be the same to relate and love each other. I think also, at least what it sounds like to me, is that you may have been praying to God for something that is a bit silly, because He will not do it for you. He gave you free will, most importantly so you could choose to love freely. I believe that some things happen in life because God will not interfere with that gift. And I think perhaps that your change of heart will not miraculously be granted to you. I don't believe God smacks us over the head with character traits and says, "Ok, you've prayed hard enough for more (insert character trait) so now I think I'll give it to you." I prayed for years that God would magically take many fears away from me, but the real issue was, and still is, that I don't fully trust Him. While He does help, we have to do the leg work. We have to exercise forgiveness in order to be inclined to forgive more. I think it's much more complex and interactive than just praying for things.
Maybe your fellow Christian men do not dismiss the sin in their wives and girlfriends lives, but realize that they are not superior because they have not sinned in the same way. Maybe they have just learned and tried to view them as Christ would. With grace and love.
This may sound harsh, and I don't mean to insult you by any means or take a stab at your character, because I believe everyone has the potential to be both wonderful and horrible. And I say it out of love, because I have struggled with what I believe you are struggling with.
I think you are being too judgmental, too black and white, and possibly do not have enough empathy for others (at least in the situation you are describing). And partly that isn't your fault. One of the large failings of the Church is that we have placed sexual sin on this ghastly evil level in comparison to other sins. In a way idolizing it by creating a hierarchy. But sin is sin. I agree that it's hard not to view lying as a lesser sin when compared to murder, because I too can't let a hierarchy go and don't know if it is right to. However, I do believe that for some reason, sex is created to be this taboo, and that the sins surrounding it are placed "too high on the scale".
I think that everyone struggles with this, including myself, so please do not assume I am attacking you. I admit it in my own life as well.
I hope you can find some peace with this issue, and that it's not continually a hang-up for you. I hope you are able to find something that helps, so you can live your life more happily; not worrying about these things as much. I'm sure it consumes a lot of energy, because that's what worry and frustration do to us.
Again, if anything I said helped, well then great. If not, reject it and move on. I'm sure I misunderstood some things, because text loses so many important aspects of communication. Hopefully you have found some answers by now.
October 2, 2012 at 3:35 pm
Excellent response.
October 17, 2012 at 10:50 pm
All of the responses to my original post have helped shed a little bit of light on the issue. This one in particular seemed to speak to me the most. Still have things I need to work through but thank you all for your wise words. Gave a "+1" to all who replied.
January 21, 2013 at 1:14 pm
my wife dont get excite when i m doing romance with many techniques..plz give me regardable answer
December 9, 2012 at 5:19 am
inspiring. what if you can’t get over premarital sex. what are the ways of remaining pure?
January 24, 2013 at 1:35 am
I am Mrs Rachael smith from USA, i want to share a testimony of my life to every one. i was married to my husband Jordan smith, i love him so much we have been married for 5 years now with two kids. when he went for a vacation to France he meant a lady called Maryś, he told me that he is no longer interested in the marriage any more. i was so confuse and seeking for help, i don't know what to do until I met my friend miss Lina and told her about my problem. she told me not to worry about it that she had a similar problem before and introduce me to a man called Ihumudumu Priest who cast a spell on her ex and bring him back to her after 2days. Miss Lina ask me to contact Ihumudumu Priest. I contacted him to help me bring back my husband and he ask me not to worry about it that the gods of his fore-fathers will fight for me. He told me by two days he will re-unite me and my husband together. After two day my husband called and told me he is coming back to sought out things with me, I was surprise when I saw him and he started crying for forgiveness. Right now I am the happiest woman on earth for what this great spell caster did for me and my husband, you can contact Ihumudumu Priest on any problem in this world, he is very nice man, here is his contact ihumudumupriest@gmail.com. He is the best spell caster on the internet so far.
February 6, 2013 at 1:50 am
Hello Rachael,
I am just speaking the truth in love here. Contacting that 'priest' (who also worships idols) will always come with a negative effect spiritually. Messing around in the spiritual realm is a dangerous thing to do, as the Word says we do not wrestle against flesh and blood but principalities and powers (Ephesians 6:12). In fact, the words used here determines the spirits involved. Casting spells is witchcraft, which God specifically prohibits (Galatians 5:20). God is the only High Priest that we should consult on these matters simply through prayer and the Word. Being an African myself I have seen the negative effect of these 'spells' and to see this a 'testimony' really shook my spirit. Anything else outside of His Will and in our own power ultimately involves the enemy, and by using this means there is always a price to pay. Personally nobody else will 'benefit' from this priest on here, as satan only brings curses on lives and also bondage. Christ is the only one that can set us free and also solve issues with PEACE. Only Christ fights our battles: 'The Lord shall fight for you, and ye shall hold your peace'. (Exodus 14:14 KJV). Check everything these 'priests' say to you with the word of God. Now you have obtained your husband through witchcraft, he now needs covering in this 'reunion' and I pray God makes Himself known in this matter. Praying for you and covering you with the Blood of Jesus . God bless. <3
February 9, 2013 at 3:33 am
Now while I agree with what you said on the point about idols and the realms however I do have a slight problem with your second to last sentence. " covering you with the Blood of Jesus." I'm sorry if you think I'm over stepping here but no one can cover someone else with the blood of Christ. Only an individual can accept Christ as there PERSONAL Savior. By all means though you can cover them with prayer and Christian love but I really don't think that your last comment was correct. If this isn't what you meant then by all means accept my most heartfelt apology.
February 18, 2013 at 2:08 am