They Do Exist.

Ask A Married Woman: When You’ve Had Sex And He Hasn’t – Marrying A Virgin.

Editor’s Note: This month, we are answering our readers’ questions to married women. Today, one woman in our community has been willing to share her experience in marrying a man who was a virgin, while she was not. If this is you, and you are struggling in your relationship, I urge you to pursue counseling. I know it’s expensive, but I can tell you that I would give up one meal a day to be able to afford a weekly counseling session with the man I’m spending the rest of my life with. It’s worth it. – Lauren

QUESTION: For the women who had prior sexual experience and married a man who had none, how did you handle being in a position of “power”* in regards to your husband? Did his lack of know-how affect in any way your pleasure, or how you felt about the experience?

Editor: It worries me that we reference past sexual experience as “power”, implying that a lack of sexual experience removes someone from a position of power in the relationship. While I hope that the woman asking this question is not struggling with a sense of having power over her significant other, we are going to continue to address the second part of her question. If you, the reader, do feel there is a element of power that comes from sexual experience, I encourage you to discuss this openly with your partner and with another woman in your life that you respect. The media’s portrayal of sex is often tinged or even soaked in elements of power, control, objectification – and none of these are healthy, accurate elements of sex within an equal marriage. The marriage bed is one of mutual submission, love, and equality – despite all past history.

ANSWER [anon]: When I started dating my husband, I had recently gotten out of a relationship where we were having sex. I have always been a believer, but at that point in my life I wasn’t actively following Jesus. I met my husband about 2 weeks after I had broken up with my boyfriend, and after “talking” with my now-husband for about a week he told me that he was a virgin. A 21-year-old virgin! Not only that, but he wasn’t interested in having sex before marriage.

When the day finally came that we said ‘I do,’ all I was thinking about is how nervous I was that sex was going to be bad. (Though honestly, I had never had “good” sex before with someone because it was never for love). My wedding night was more than I could have ever hoped for.

I didn’t end up having an orgasm during sex, but I had married someone who loved me, and I thought it would get better with time. Even without having an orgasm, it was still an amazing experience – finally being with someone who valued me. Not just for my body and what I could do for them, but for who I was outside of that.

Photo by Branden Harvey / / Design by Lauren Dubinsky

I went on for months without telling him that I was having issues. Since I didn’t think I was really upset or holding it against him, I figured I would just deal with it myself and pray about it. I knew that having “good sex” wasn’t just going to come naturally to either of us, but for awhile, I thought that if we just kept trying, it would “just get better.” But how can you expect someone to change what they’re doing during sex when they have no idea that it isn’t working for you? My mistake was in not telling him how I felt – and this applies to everyone – regardless of their experiences before marriage, or lack thereof.

Honestly, his lack of experience in the bedroom ended up being more of a positive than anything else. It made him more willing to learn and try different things to help me. And, I think it made him feel less insulted when things weren’t going quite the way he planned. Experience isn’t what makes sex good. It’s experience with that person, because we’re all different. For example, just because someone you slept with previously likes something, it absolutely doesn’t mean you’ll be “good at sex” for the person you marry. Pleasure comes in the trust and safety of the relationship, the emotional connection, and with learning their body. Yes, over time!

The two main things I think need to be highlighted here are COMMUNICATION and HUMILITY. After marriage, you can’t be ashamed of sex or your body. There is no room for faking it and hiding how you’re feeling. Once I was honest with him about what was going on, he was nothing but loving and understanding with me. We talked through it (I cried), we kept trying different things (I got frustrated a lot and cried), but overall he always made sure that even if it wasn’t during intercourse that I had an orgasm, that I was having a good time.

Sex gets better with communication being involved. Through communication comes the knowledge of your body and his. You gotta tell him what feels good. I know that society has made it seem awkward or out of place for women, but it is necessary to get to know each other’s bodies and to ask questions. After all, you plan on spending the rest of your life together.

The best times I’ve had in the bedroom have included some laughter when things don’t go as planned. We can laugh together because we are comfortable with each other! You don’t need to be experienced to have a healthy sex life once you’re married. You need a person who values you, desires you, and makes you feel safe. Especially in the bedroom. So much so that they are willing to do whatever it takes to make sex the best experience for you too.

Even if the sex isn’t “mind-blowing,” amazing, pornographic sex on your wedding night, that doesn’t mean it’s bad sex. And it doesn’t mean it will be exactly the same forever, either.

We’re so thankful for being able to share this story! But we do realize that no two women (and therefore no two couples) are exactly alike. If you want to share a bit of your story, or express things you’ve had to overcome in this relationship dynamic, PLEASE comment. This is where the discussion, friendships and community happens.

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60 Responses

  1. Brittany

    This has been one of my biggest fears for the majority of my adult life. I'm 24 now. I lost my virginity when I was 19. I have spent countless hours agonizing over telling my future husband (who is a virgin) that I wasn't a virgin and in my mind the only response he could have would be that of utter disgust and disappointment. But you know what? I told him about 6 weeks into our dating relationship and he wrapped his arms around me and held me and whispered in my ear, "I'm not going anywhere. I accept you for who you were, who you are, and who you are going to be. But know that God feels the exact same way and He is forever." This was truly one of the most freeing experiences of my life. I hated myself for giving my body and soul away so easily to a stupid and silly boy like that and I didn't believe some man could accept my past. But I was wrong. We've been dating over a year now and on our way to marriage. Thank you for sharing your story. It gives me encouragement for the day when I can join with my husband and experience sex together.

    July 18, 2012 at 3:35 pm

  2. Sage

    Great post. Thanks for your words! I think a lot of your post is applicable to my next question, but maybe there's some additional (or different) thoughts someone might have…. I am wondering if any women (or men) have wisdom regarding the opposite situation – a virgin woman with a man with a sexual past before meeting said virgin woman. Before and after marriage, what it was like to know your man has been with other women… Knowing how visual men are, wondering if he thinks about them and visualizes his past experiences… How to deal with this in the dating phase, engaged phase, married phase… How to set boundaries before marriage, how to be confident after marriage… Any thoughts?

    July 18, 2012 at 3:36 pm

  3. Jen

    I'm also wondering the same question as Sage. I was a virgin (a southern raised, have to be perfect, purity is mandatory, Pastor's daughter) when I met my non-virgin (now) husband and it has been a really difficult road for us. We are now married (a month and a half in) and in the throws of are learning about each other. Keeping the lines of communication open has been key for us, and he has been nothing but supportive but I know it's hard for him at times too. It's been a battle, to let go of the "ideal" that I had. To accept him as he is, for everything that he was, and still feel like somehow he got to have his cake and eat it too. I'm jealous of the experiences he had, and I wish he never had them at the same time. I too wonder if he thinks about them and visualizes his past experiences, and it's painful to think about. If any other (more seasoned) married women were in the same situation, I'd love to hear their thoughts, and how they overcame their struggles (if they had similar ones).

    July 18, 2012 at 4:12 pm

  4. kay

    i sincerely appreciate the anon comment highlighted in the article about how experience isn't what makes sex good, but experience with that particular person (the one you'll spend your life with). there's so much more to sex than just how bodies fit together!

    having had sex with another person before my (virgin) husband didn't mean i still didn't have a ton to learn. everyone's different, every couple works differently together and while i was maybe a little more familiar with the mechanics of it all, i most certainly didn't feel like had any more 'power' in our relationship than he did. if anything, i had more to work through in regards to sex being associated with guilt and regret (as in, every time ex BF and i would have sex, we'd step back, say that shouldn't happen again and feel badly about it. every stinking time.)

    July 18, 2012 at 4:17 pm

  5. Tiffany

    Oh, I have so many opinions in response to the comments that I don’t know where to start. I am in the same situation (married a little less than a year).

    First, I’m realizing how much I hate the way abstinence was taught to me. As Christians, we shouldn’t have premarital sex for reasons relating to our future spouses. I feel like I heard the phrase “saving yourself for your future spouse” so much that I thought it was biblical. I also now really dislike how people talked about being worth waiting for. We follow what God has commanded because He’s an incredible God who loves us and wants what is best for us. He created sex for marriage because that’s the best place for it, when it binds a husband and wife together and grows their intimacy. I felt like when I found out about my husband, I thought it somehow meant something about me, that I wasn’t worth waiting for. And that my husband had given away something that should have been mine. But I realized, my husband is ultimately not mine – he belongs to God. I had to tear down all the “Christian” propaganda I had been taught. My husband didn’t fail me with his past, because his virginity didn’t belong to me. I don’t understand who invented that idea.

    Nevertheless, I still struggle. It’s been a battle to not listen to the enemy tell me lies about my husband and not to feel like my expectations should have been met. Even if I can be rational about it, it’s hard to get those emotions to follow. I would definitely recommend talking and talking about it with him about what YOU are thinking and ASK him what he is thinking and feeling. I love hearing about how beautiful he finds me. Also, we both felt really broken when he first told me, and that’s okay. It was really good for me to see how much he was worried about hurting me. And I wasn’t as instantly forgiving As the husband in the post. It took me a long time to pray through but I was so glad I was honest with myself and him.

    I would highly recommend NOT learning any details about the past. They will not do you any good. Pray, pray, pray constantly. Ask God to heal your heart and help you see what is truth and what are lies. If you’re feeling bold, pray for those other women (man, it kills me!) and for their salvation.

    Overall, remember that God is glorified even through all our weaknesses.

    (sorry for any typos or strange sentences. I’m typing this on an iPhone in an airport and don’t know if this all makes sense.)

    July 18, 2012 at 4:51 pm

  6. A.M.

    I was a virgin and my husband had a past. He still had to learn what works with me, and, of course, be understanding and patient with my fears at the very beginning. But I was so looking forward to our honeymoon that I pushed past those fears pretty quickly (I think) because I wanted to enjoy the gift I felt God made for me, and I wanted to please my husband. He made the whole experience every bit as wonderful as I could have imagined or asked for, and it has been a consistently happy experience for me ever since. I'm very thankful for that, because I know that it's very different for some other women.

    I have heard of women having major emotional battles getting adjusted to a regular sex life after years of saving themselves and viewing sex as something prohibited. It made a HUGE difference for me that, well before I'd met my husband, I had learned to think of sex as a beautiful and healthy thing, and even blessed and holy–when enjoyed within marriage. So that I didn't have a lot of hangups that I was doing something dirty when the time came. It was more like… say, opening a gift and knowing that the Giver wants you to fully appreciate it.

    I can echo some of the comments above–we had to learn each other and the ideas of what makes good sex to "everyone else" don't matter, only what works for us. My lack of experience was good because I can't compare him to anyone. I needed to close the door to thinking of his experience and not let insecurity about my looks make me so self-conscious that I would be unable to be comfortable. He has never said anything or acted in a way that reminded me that there has been anyone but me, so that hasn't been difficult at all. I'd say that's pretty important.

    It was after I knew I was attracted to him, but before we started dating, that I learned of my husband's past. I had only experienced kissing and petting with a couple of guys but he had experienced everything with more than a couple of girls. This was not a small thing for me and I needed to take time to process what he shared about his past and pray about it. I have heard it advised that you must decide in your heart to never bring up your spouse's past in conflict, and I really believe that is a critical boundary. I needed to be solidly sure that I was able to commit to that. I wanted to be solidly sure of my feelings about him before anything began between us. I felt like that was only fair.

    My own thought process was simple (for me, anyway): my own mom had had a past before she gave her life to God and was changed. If her transformation was valid–and I know it absolutely is–then how is it any different for anyone else? I mean, the past is the past, and she is not that person anymore. Niether is he. If I really believed God did that, then it means he and I are on equal plain. I felt that if I were to say, 'I can't get past your past' it would be equal to saying, 'I don't think that you are really a new person.' I'd be looking at him through the lens of who he was, not who he is. But I DO believe that, so, for me, this was just another way to reaffirm and apply that belief.

    Some people look at these things and feel that a virgin "deserves" a virgin, but I think that reasoning is flawed. My marrying as a virgin was nothing to my credit. It was the grace of God. I still lost innocence through wrong relationship choices. I think God is far more concerned with purity of heart and character, than a physical technicality. So I looked at the character of this man and saw a person who loves God and loves me, and is exactly what I needed. I have never regretted that choice.

    It's awfully personal but I think our sharing through safe places (like Good Women) is helpful so that everyone can get the understanding they need to get their relationship to the place it needs to be. So if anyone relates to this, I hope that it somehow encourages you!!!

    July 18, 2012 at 5:15 pm

  7. If I did not know it used to happen all the drama people attach to the issue of virgins getting married would convince me it never happened before now.

    I wish the church would teach on sex so people would understand the largest sex organ is the brain.

    Communication is what good sex is really all about. I am a mom. I have never been married. I am telling my daughter things my mother did not tell me.

    Families too are important when it comes to passing on information for helping couples get off to a good start. It is great to have support online but that would not be the first design of God for our lives.

    July 18, 2012 at 5:24 pm

  8. DanBode

    This was a really interesting piece to read as a man, and the comments are so enlightening! I was a virgin when my wife and I were married 30 years ago and she was not. She told me all about her past life before so we knew what we were getting into. We discovered that when it comes down to it your past is really irrelevant if your intention is to marry the person God intends for you to be with. We were with the one we were making a lifelong commitment to. We were each mapping the contours of a body only we would know. We were explorers in a new territory. We were both virgins in that sense regardless of our past. We were a new creation.

    July 19, 2012 at 2:02 am

  9. DanBode

    Now as a widower, I'm beginning to wonder what will happen. I believe I will be in a new relationship and marriage again one day, I wonder now what it will be like if I marry a woman who will be more experienced than I since I was only ever with one woman. It's a silly thought and one that just shows how I've let the world's values creep into my thinking. And then I remember that it will be just like before. No matter what our history, we will still be explorers in virgin territory together. And now while I am in the relationship-less space, I realize that I have to watch what I do now so I don't have to explain my actions to my future wife

    July 19, 2012 at 2:02 am

  10. Sam

    First, I have truly loved reading every comment today. Thank you all for sharing and showing so much honesty and compassion. It's beautiful and I pray you each find love and peace in your hearts.

    I, unfortunately, am not a virgin and I'm not married.
    ((Dear married people, please don't automatically disregard this post!))

    Despite my standards and morals NOW, I am very experienced sexually and it's something I am going to one day have to share and communicate with my future husband about. It will be something that will take time and effort to work through, but I know the right person God has for me will be willing to do so with me. I hope and pray he can be as understanding and supportive as some of your significant others have been.

    However, I will say I was at least fortunate enough to have an amazing "first." Some may disagree with that statement, but I have to say that I would have rather had it that way than someone who didn't care about me at all. No, it wasn't the first it should have been, but for not being married I don't know many experiences that could have been better. I was with someone I loved completely and that loved me completely. Well, as much of love as an unmarried couple could have.

    Point is, he was not a virgin. Far from. I on the other hand was. Sex was a HUGE deal. My feelings for this man were a HUGE deal.
    He was my first love and when he first shared his 'number' with me, I broke down crying. Like any ridiculous child would. Yes, I was 18 and so very much a child.

    However, after a few moments of crying, I stumbled upon a realization and I would like to say with that realization, I took a step towards becoming a woman and understanding love just little bit more…

    I realized, those other girls were apart of his past… His past is what made him the person I was so incredibly in love with. Yes, even those other girls that will forever hold a specific number in his life, them too. They all were apart of his past and had those women not been in his life, he wouldn't have been the same person; in turn, our love wouldn't have been the same. It probably wouldn't have been love at all.

    Again, my point is (yes I know I'm not married and I have SO.MUCH.TO.LEARN.) if marriage is anything like what that experience was, your significant others will love you and cherish you no matter what. They will also appreciate all the things that have made you who you are, including all those of your past. Hard pill to swallow for both parties, of course. Something that causes strife and a barrier between you two, I would surely hope not. It shouldn't be. Truly, we are singling out sex here because of course, it's one of the most important parts of marriage; but there are other parts to it too! You may not be a virgin while your mate is, but they may struggle with something else; pornography, budgeting, lying, stealing, profanity, drinking, the list is endless. We all have our own demons, but if we all held each others shortcomings and troubled pasts over each others heads, NO ONE WOULD BE MARRIED.

    No, I'm not saying go jump anything that walks, nor am I trying to provide an excuse for my shortcomings. My heart is broken I can't give that gift to my future husband and I strive everyday to become stronger and the women he will need me to be one day. However, I AM saying that if God can forgive us, understand us, and love us in spite of all the wrong we have done/do/and will do, we can and should do the same for spouses.

    "Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins." -1 Peter 4:8

    July 19, 2012 at 3:13 pm

  11. meganleiann

    This is amazing. My husband and I were both "technically" virgins when we got married, but I really wish I had read all this! I struggled because he was so much older and had had so many more relationships than I had. I was jealous of all the other women he had dated and kissed. I was always wondering if he was kissing me "that way" because someone else had liked it.
    You ladies are right: we are all so flawed. Honesty and grace are the only things that will get us through marriage no matter what our pasts were like.

    July 19, 2012 at 3:30 pm

  12. I was my husband's first everything- first girlfriend, first kiss, first everything. When we got married, it was like a fairy tale. Fairy tale wedding, fairy tale honeymoon, etc. However, the actual sex was awkward. I was used to sleeping with boyfriends that took over sexually and the deed was done, no emotional attachment. Being with my husband, it was weird at first. Not only was he inexperienced sexually, but I was inexperienced in connecting sex and love. It was difficult at first, but it does get better with practice, ha!

    July 19, 2012 at 5:19 pm

  13. Martha

    Thank you all for sharing so openly. I married less than two months ago as a 35-year-old virgin. I made my decision to wait for marriage as an 18-year-old who had just read Elisabeth Elliott's "Passion and Purity." I'm so thankful for that decision, as it has protected me from many things in the years since.

    However, I wanted SO BADLY to find a husband who had also waited for me. I don't think I understood completely how destructive the idea that I "deserved" a virgin had become in my life. It is definitely a prideful notion. As I grew older, I opened myself up to the idea of dating someone divorced or widowed, though in some ways I felt like I was compromising.

    On our second date, my now-husband very nervously told me that he had previously been married for seven years. His ex-wife was the only person he had ever been with, but their relationship did not begin in a pure manner. For him, that marriage was based largely on guilt and trying to "fix" a wrong. In the near decade since his ex-wife left him, he grew closer to the Lord and decided he would remain abstinent until marriage. He had asked God for forgiveness and had finally forgiven himself. I could tell he was broken and so afraid that this confession would jeopardize his chances with me.

    I knew it would be difficult for me to come to terms with his past and before the wedding I think I fooled myself into believing that it wouldn't be that hard of a transition. But since the wedding I have had such a hard time accepting his past. I'm so thankful for the poster above who stated that our spouses' virginity does not belong to us because I feel like she (his ex) stole something that should have been mine. And I've been struggling with how to forgive someone I've never met. I don't have a problem forgiving him, but forgiving her is so much more a struggle! I (in fact, we) have prayed for her together and prayed that I'll be able to get past this.

    I have a lot of fear that he'll compare me to her, especially since much of their relationship was physically-based and I have absolutely NO experience. How could I compete with his memory of her and their sex life together? In turn, my husband has his own insecurities and has said he wants to protect me from ever having to know what it's like to "intimately know" anyone else.

    When he is tired and doesn't want to be intimate, I struggle with questioning if it is normal or if it is because sex isn't new and exciting for him like it is for me. I feel like I have more of a hunger to be with him then he has, which surprised me and my preconceived notions about men and their appetite for sex. Sometimes I feel like he gave away all his passion to his ex and then I feel cheated and upset with him. And I know it isn't fair.

    Anyway, that is my long way of saying that reading these comments has given me insight into unhealthy thought processes going on in my head and things I can pray that God will help me work through and understand. He gave me an amazing man who loves me incredibly, I have no doubts of that. My husband deserves a wife that accepts him for who he was and who he is today. I hate the idea that when I have these troubles accepting that it might be making my him feel regret again for something he had already worked through. Thanks to you all.

    July 20, 2012 at 2:47 pm

  14. goodlooknout

    Very interesting topic! I've never been in such a situation but I love the two key words in this post, COMMUNICATION and HUMILITY! These two words are very important even out of the context of sex within a relationship/marriage. These two words apply to just about any relationship; with a friend, family member, lover, husband, etc…

    Well written and great advice for the woman who asked the question!

    July 23, 2012 at 7:53 am

  15. Olivia

    I LOVE what Tiffany, above, had to say. My future husband's body- that is, if he IS out there somewhere!!!- does not belong to me. I don't know him. Even he is out there having sex with someone else, he's not failing me…I am more concerned that either he would come to know the Lord in personal or return to Christ and be transformed by Gods grace in an intimate relationship with him. To me, it's ultimately incredibly freeing to come to that realization.

    I am in my early twenties and a virgin. Even at my Christian college, few of my friends are virgins and since honestly most people aren't (by the time they hit their 20s) chances are that most of us who marry as virgins will be marrying someone who is not. Right? I am much more concerned with the purity of both our hearts in the present worrying about if a guy has a scandalous past. Because people change! Jesus changes people, we camt forget that, and its important for us to live like we believe it! I think it's so important to be honest with ourselves, and for me that means even though I am a virgin, I don't have a squeaky clean past either! Every single one of us has baggage that we carry into marriage (I looked at porn on several occasions in high school and I think in God's eyes that is the same as if I'd been sleeping around..) but thanks to the redemptive work of Christ on the cross, we have been set free from many forms of bondage and though we still have struggles, can live not as victims of our past (or our spouse's) but as overcomers. What tremendous freedom this gives us- in our minds and hearts! I really really hope that if one day I am in this situation, I am able to react in a way that reflects the mercy and grace shown to me in Christ in response to my sin.

    July 24, 2012 at 12:35 am

  16. Emm

    I recently had this talk with my boyfriend about my past vs. his (I have a much more colourful past than him). The thing he said to me that absolutely broke me down was that he believes that when God forgives, He also forgets, so how can he (my boyfriend) elevate himself to a place above God to say that he is going to hold something against me that God has already forgiven and forgotten. Even more so, he told me that I didn't sin against him and so he has nothing to hold against me; I've dealt with God on how I have sinned against the Lord and that is what matters. I am not that person anymore and the past was dealt with once for all on the cross. I feel like the unbelievable grace which he has lavished on me has shown me so much deeper the grace of God.

    July 26, 2012 at 12:08 am

  17. Tiana

    For single Christian women that desire to be married: How do you forgive yourself after you've had sex outside of marriage? At times, I cannot help but feel like "damaged goods" and like no godly man will ever want me. Yes, I know that God forgives and that He transforms us into new creations; but how do you come to "forgive yourself" for the foolish decisions that you've made in the past?

    Thanks in advance for any of your responses. ;-)

    September 6, 2012 at 1:34 pm

  18. J. Allen

    I don't mean to bring up old scars or step on the toes of any of the other readers. I’m going to be very honest here. Whenever I hear the whole “she may not be a virgin but as long as she loves Jesus what matters?” bit I get incredibly aggravated. Why, you ask? Because I’m a virgin and I’m waiting until I’m married. What people are telling me is that I should be willing to love my wife despite her having built some sort of sexual history because in the end we all have shortcomings and imperfections. I fully understand that point but let’s reverse the situation for a minute. On the same note this means that my virginity is also inconsequential. So what incentive is there for me to wait for my wife? Being a man in this over-sexualized society clearly isn’t easy. I’m fighting an uphill battle against my physiological urges, peer-pressure, etc. If in the end we’re just supposed to forgive each other and move past it all what exactly makes this entire endeavor worthwhile? I’ve been trying and praying for a wife that has waited for me the same way I’ve waited for her so as a result I’ve denied myself the opportunity to date women that clearly love the Lord but have lost their virginity some time earlier on in life. I feel like the only way for me to get over this mental barrier is to simply lose my own virginity so I can “level the playing field.” If I wasn’t a virgin I’d have virtually no issue dating a woman who wasn’t either. I feel like throwing my virginity away would allow me to “access” the other 99% of the women in the church who also engaged in pre-marital sex. I’ve tried desperately to change my attitude about this and asked God if it was possible to simply give me a change of heart. I envied my fellow Christian brothers who can dismiss their future spouse’s sexual history so easily. I wanted to think like them just to make things easier on myself. I’ve prayed for my eyes to be opened but no dice. I can’t seem to get passed this. In my mind it always breaks down the same way. As a virgin I’m only willing to marry another virgin. As a non-virgin I would be willing to marry another non-virgin. In a nutshell I'm at the end of my rope here and I want to throw in the towel. Any food for thought?

    September 10, 2012 at 9:25 pm

  19. Ella28

    …I don't think the only way to remove the barrier in your life is to lose your own virginity, and I hope you have not hinged the solution to your problems on that. People don't have to be the same to relate and love each other. I think also, at least what it sounds like to me, is that you may have been praying to God for something that is a bit silly, because He will not do it for you. He gave you free will, most importantly so you could choose to love freely. I believe that some things happen in life because God will not interfere with that gift. And I think perhaps that your change of heart will not miraculously be granted to you. I don't believe God smacks us over the head with character traits and says, "Ok, you've prayed hard enough for more (insert character trait) so now I think I'll give it to you." I prayed for years that God would magically take many fears away from me, but the real issue was, and still is, that I don't fully trust Him. While He does help, we have to do the leg work. We have to exercise forgiveness in order to be inclined to forgive more. I think it's much more complex and interactive than just praying for things.

    Maybe your fellow Christian men do not dismiss the sin in their wives and girlfriends lives, but realize that they are not superior because they have not sinned in the same way. Maybe they have just learned and tried to view them as Christ would. With grace and love.

    This may sound harsh, and I don't mean to insult you by any means or take a stab at your character, because I believe everyone has the potential to be both wonderful and horrible. And I say it out of love, because I have struggled with what I believe you are struggling with.

    I think you are being too judgmental, too black and white, and possibly do not have enough empathy for others (at least in the situation you are describing). And partly that isn't your fault. One of the large failings of the Church is that we have placed sexual sin on this ghastly evil level in comparison to other sins. In a way idolizing it by creating a hierarchy. But sin is sin. I agree that it's hard not to view lying as a lesser sin when compared to murder, because I too can't let a hierarchy go and don't know if it is right to. However, I do believe that for some reason, sex is created to be this taboo, and that the sins surrounding it are placed "too high on the scale".

    I think that everyone struggles with this, including myself, so please do not assume I am attacking you. I admit it in my own life as well.

    I hope you can find some peace with this issue, and that it's not continually a hang-up for you. I hope you are able to find something that helps, so you can live your life more happily; not worrying about these things as much. I'm sure it consumes a lot of energy, because that's what worry and frustration do to us.

    Again, if anything I said helped, well then great. If not, reject it and move on. I'm sure I misunderstood some things, because text loses so many important aspects of communication. Hopefully you have found some answers by now.

    October 2, 2012 at 3:35 pm

  20. yash desai

    my wife dont get excite when i m doing romance with many techniques..plz give me regardable answer

    December 9, 2012 at 5:19 am

  21. Aineah

    inspiring. what if you can’t get over premarital sex. what are the ways of remaining pure?

    January 24, 2013 at 1:35 am

  22. Rachael

    I am Mrs Rachael smith from USA, i want to share a testimony of my life to every one. i was married to my husband Jordan smith, i love him so much we have been married for 5 years now with two kids. when he went for a vacation to France he meant a lady called Maryś, he told me that he is no longer interested in the marriage any more. i was so confuse and seeking for help, i don't know what to do until I met my friend miss Lina and told her about my problem. she told me not to worry about it that she had a similar problem before and introduce me to a man called Ihumudumu Priest who cast a spell on her ex and bring him back to her after 2days. Miss Lina ask me to contact Ihumudumu Priest. I contacted him to help me bring back my husband and he ask me not to worry about it that the gods of his fore-fathers will fight for me. He told me by two days he will re-unite me and my husband together. After two day my husband called and told me he is coming back to sought out things with me, I was surprise when I saw him and he started crying for forgiveness. Right now I am the happiest woman on earth for what this great spell caster did for me and my husband, you can contact Ihumudumu Priest on any problem in this world, he is very nice man, here is his contact He is the best spell caster on the internet so far.

    February 6, 2013 at 1:50 am

  23. Jaded

    The idea of waiting until marriage was always something I wanted to do, but I've decided not to wait any longer. It's cute when you're in high school and even university/early twenties, but as you get older you start to realize just how much of LIVING you've missed out on. No, sex isn't everything, but it's a big part of being an adult…plus I don't want to end up married to someone only to find out that we are sexually incompatible. I've read too many stories from Christian women who regret waiting until they were married because their sex life was practically non-existant

    September 7, 2013 at 9:54 pm

  24. ORNA

    I never believed in love spells or magic until I met this spell caster once when i went to see my friend in Indian this year on a business summit. I meant a man who's name is SUPERNATURAL he is really powerful and could help cast spells to bring back one's gone, lost, misbehaving lover and magic money spell or spell for a good job or luck spell .I'm now happy & a living testimony cos the man i had wanted to marry left me 5 weeks before our wedding and my life was upside down cos our relationship has been on for 3years. I really loved him. So when i met this spell caster, i told him what happened and explained the situation of things to him. At first i was undecided,skeptical and doubtful, but i just gave it a try. And in 2 days when i returned to Canada, my boyfriend (now husband) called me by himself and came to me apologizing that everything had been settled. Well we are happily married now and we are expecting our little kid, and my husband also got the new job and our lives became much better. His email is SUPERNATURALSPELLHELP@GMAIL.COM

    December 18, 2013 at 5:28 pm

  25. KELLY

    Hello everyone, i am from USA i never ever believed in spell until i meet a man called Dr James, who help me cast a spell that bring back my ex-lover who left me for one years before our marriage,His spells works beyond my imaginations and today i am happily married two kids and me and my [ex-lover] now husband are very happy more than ever before,what more can i say rather than to say thank you Dr James for been there for me,contact him today and your life will never ever remain the same his email is SUPERNATURALSPELLHELP@GMAIL.COM

    December 18, 2013 at 5:29 pm

  26. chole

    I came across SUPERNATURAL SPELL HELP online JUNE this year,as a finalist in the university of Kigali institute of education,i was ask to write my expectations,i wrote two, (1)Miracle Job in an international organisation (2)Supernatural weeding .I thank God even before i have finish my internship and before September i was granted an international job,and on 23 November 2013 i was glorious weeded in a holy matrimony.i appreciate God for the fulfillment of double portion in my life.if you have any problem at all contact SUPERNATURALSPELLHELP@GMAIL.COM for solution.

    December 18, 2013 at 5:30 pm

  27. NIKE

    my ex-boyfriend dumped me 5 months ago after I caught him of having an affair with someone else and insulting him. I want him back in my life but he refuse to have any contact with me. I was so confuse and don’t know what to do, so I visited the internet for help and I saw a testimony on how a spell caster (Dr Odili) help them to get their ex back so I contact the spell caster (Dr Odili ) and explain my problems to him….. he cast a spell for me and assure me of 3 days that my ex will return to me and to my greatest surprise the third day my boyfriend came knocking on my door and beg for forgiveness. I am so happy that my love is back again and not only that, we are about to get married. Once again thank you for helping me to get my love back and your love spell is truly perfect, you are truly talented and gifted i will continue to publish your name on the
    INTERNET because of the good work you are doing .If you need his help contact him now through his email: DRODILILOVESPELL@GMAIL.COM. He also specialize on all kind of spell such as:


    December 18, 2013 at 5:31 pm

  28. Pseudonym

    I honored God by saving myself a virgin and put my faith on the line by believing that God could heal and erase the past of my wife who had been sexually immoral prior to meeting God in her early 20s. Now after 16 yrs of marriage I can say that so far it doesn’t work. Life for me is hell with no sexual satisfaction because of her barriers/walls and wrong ways of viewing sex in marriage as dirty and violating. Who knew that sex would be my love language but all she wants to use the bed for is sleeping. Rather than experiencing healing, her brokenness has broken me. It has taken me into masturbation and porn, which are places I never had gone before, nor did I want to go there. But Paul the Apostle only gave instruction for those who are I married and burning with passion (he said to get married). He never said what to do when you’re married and still burn with passion. Many days I wish I had never been born. I feel I’m living under a curse. My faith in God is suffering, for I question this “reward” I have received. I was zealous for God and wholehearted towards him. Now I live in constant frustration and cannot relate to scriptures like “Whoever finds a wife finds a good thing” or “surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life. I have patiently waited all these years. But now I despair. I will keep my marriage vow, but do not hold onto hope for a good life in the land of the living. I could understand suffering for Christ. But this is meaningless suffering. So my advice is NEVER MARRY A NON VIRGIN. It is seriously better to be lonely and unfulfilled than married and unfulfilled.

    April 7, 2014 at 12:41 am

  29. sandra martins


    July 18, 2014 at 11:46 pm


    Probably all this testimony you read about spell casting online are spam right?And yeah some are spam some think all of them are spam which is totally not bad and i also know some believe spell casting really works but have not been able to find the right one. Well i think i found the right spell caster Metodo. I know he is real not cos he helped me but because i was there in his temple i Have seen him and his temple and i tell you it can't get more really that what am writing now. I know you may want to know why and what lead me to contact a spell caster i am a south African woman here in south African as a matter of fact in Africa having a male child is like the most important thing in a marriage and it turned out that i am married to a very traditional man as in a he believes the male child carry the family name on and on but the females get married and change there name which is true. I were married for six years and i had no male child for him. Maybe friends and family filled his head with a lot of things like i don't have a male child for him and as a result he need to get a divorce and get another wife that can bear him a male child. I always thought the people that filled his head with this ideas where is family and friends the people that i smile and dine with. The very people who ought to have advice him rightly. I never found out if they where involved in wanting to ruin life and my marriage. Not because i could not find out but cost i didn't want to develop hatred for them cos i will always get to see them and it is not really healthy seeing the faces of people you hate. At that time, i mean before i knew my husband got himself a lover i was paranoid about him having a lover cos our lives changed a lot he starting coming home late he wouldn't touch me any more and even he started avoiding me in our home making up excuses to stay all day in his study room doing nothing and telling me his need something off to clear his head. We had fights all the time i brought up the matter if he was see someone else. Maybe he got tired of lying i don't know he finally asked for a divorce. A divorce my family saw him through his university and got him a got job i told myself and now he's asking me for a divorce cos i don't a male child yet for him. He was ready to let go of his three beautiful daughters he asked that i take them along. Maybe he was a real f**l and didn't know what he had and maybe he didn't deserve someone like me but one thing was crystal clear to me i was still in love with him and i wanted a complete family for my kid that and the fact that i raised him from the gutter i didn't care about any of his problem when i married him and i forgot to say my father never approved our marriage but still i jumped into it thinking we are going to have each other forever. Though we are still together now but its cos of the spell i had metodo cast on him to make him see how much he needs me in this life. When i contacted metodo he asked that i get the materials for the spell which i did and delivered the materials to him in person that is to say i came in contact with him. I was to return in to his temple in 7 seven day and within those seven day he gave me a blessed a red candle asking that i command and say whatever i wanted every night within those seven days which i did on the seventh day when i returned to metodo temple he gave a harmless powerful substance with instruction on how to use it. This might seem like fiction or lie or what ever you lucky reads may think but deep down you know it true you just looking for a way not to get involved. I ve got my husband back and my family life couldn't be better thanks to the spell though i don't have a male child for him at least his them lover bore him one. contact him with his email if you want his help metodoacamufortress @ yahoo. com

    August 18, 2014 at 9:47 am

  31. Appreciate it for this pleasant data , i wanted to share this along with my friends . Total agree to your Post , I think its crucial that you clearly show the almost all level while submitting . Please continue updating a website .

    October 17, 2014 at 1:16 am

  32. joy james

    Let me introduce myself I am a Kingdom citizen not a christian and my king calls me a Kingdom virgin which is wat I am because I am a virgin. I would like to address all this religious talk about how being a virgin is unimportant to God and your future spouse. As far as the king is concerned that was not what he created and what he intended for marriage,what God wants is a virgin man and woman together in a lifelong commitment called marriage. The king did not send you into the world to preach your own experiences but to preach his programme for mankind even when it comes to sex. A lot of these post say a lot of nonsense contrary to the word of God, the way my king functions is that if you want to be blessed you have to obey his laws and if we all can recollect God was the one who said fornication is a sin what amazes is how so many people dismiss dat and preach dat it’s ok to have pre-marital sex and get married and still enjoy the benefits of sex in marriage,my question is whose word are u preaching your’s or the king’s?

    September 25, 2015 at 7:39 pm

  33. joy james

    And another thing, it’s so wrong for you to tell virgins in God’s Kingdom who have been reduced to just 3% of the population that God will give u whatever he feels like giving you for a spouse even if they have had a tremendous history of sexual baggage I dare to say that,that is d most absurd thing I’ve ever heard in my life it’s like telling me all the men who are promiscuous or rather have chosen to dis honour God with their bodies will one day be my husband dat is a stupid thing to say because my king is a just king he gives you wat u rightfully deserve Dat is y his word says whatsoever you so sow you reap I am sexually pure today because of my king so how dare u tell me I’ll marry an ex- promiscuous man which is completely contrary to what God wants for marriage,i would like for someone to show me where that is stated in the constitution of my country i.e the bible, I’m saying all this so no one will mislead the younger generation into believing that God is stupid and that there are no reasons as to y God hates sexually immorality no matter hw new u claim to be u can never erase such an act dat has had a great negative impact and comes along with great consequences so please it’s time to tell the truth and stop adjusting the word of God to our own feelings say the truth the way it is even if it hurts. To all the virgins out there just know God is proud of you because it’s so rare to find people who value this gift even in the church all they do is talk down on it as if God didn’t know wat he was doing wen he made us virgins and y he made us virgins and just know God is going to reward u immensely and give u someone you rightfully deserve because our king is a just king u will definitely reap wat you have sown so will I. This is not to make anyone who has engaged in pre-marital sex feel bad but it’s not about u or your experiences but about the word of the king and his truth and how he intended things to be and how he wants things to be. P.s God doesn’t smile on fornication and adultery and says it’s ok I’ll forgive u wen u finish ur sexual act pls all those preaching this should stop and also stop downplaying the effects of pre-marital sex in one’s life as an unmarried person and in one’s marriage pls preach the truth…

    September 25, 2015 at 8:03 pm

  34. fallenman

    I'm male. I made it to age 24 before I had sex for the first time. She was divorced. We were both Christians. She seduced me. I felt guilty afterwards and I pledged not to do it again until we were married. We kept the pledge, but did not marry. I dated Christian women for another six years and did not have sex. Then, six years later, a Christian woman literally said, "make love to me." I started, then stopped because I felt so guilty. Then, after a while, I resumed only because I thought she wanted it. She, on the other hand, said I could continue if I wanted. In other words, she was doing it for me. I was doing it for her. We weren't married and I think we both knew it was wrong. After a 1 1/2 year relationship, we broke up. Over that period of time, we had sex maybe five times, and I always felt guilty about it. From my perspective, I did it for her, not myself. I denied myself the pleasure of ejaculation, but I made sure she always had an orgasm. I finally married at age 34. My wife was 37 and a virgin. I told her about my previous relationships. It has led to some conflict between us, but I have to say that the sex we've had in no way compares to the sex I had before marriage. I never felt free of guilt before marriage. I struggled to resist, but from my perspective at least, it was the women who insisted on the sex. That doesn't make it right from my perspective. I know, if I had been strong and resisted the sex, the women would have still loved me. I just think they were so in love they simply wanted to give me pleasure. I know they weren't as morally conflicted as I was. They weren't promiscuous types. They just felt madly and desperately in love. They were both looking forward to marriage.

    April 23, 2018 at 11:45 am

  35. Lauren

    My Ex and I are back together ………Thanks fixmybrokenmarriage @gmail com.. .

    October 25, 2023 at 4:12 am

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