I’M DONE RUNNING.
Editor’s Note: Today, Lindsey Morgan Quam writes for us. She blogs at ezer-kenegdo.tumblr.com. Find grace again. Today and every day, for we never stop needing it. – Lauren
I’ve wrestled and fought to understand why my life has panned out as it has. I’ve tried to change it and I’ve tried to ignore it by drowning my sorrows away with a bottle of tears.
There is no cut and dry answer here. No solution to this math problem.
Over the past four years I have given up everything. EVERYTHING. Relationships, worldly possessions, dreams, hopes, fears, life, death.
I’ve always thought that if you gave up everything to God, He would return the favor and give you more than you’ve ever thought possible.
Well…here I am and I still have nothing.
Correction. I have nothing of what I expected to have at age-almost-26. Honestly, I’m not sure what I thought my life would look like – but I know it wasn’t this.
Here is the place that I have made my home. In a bed full of sorrows, fears, unanswered prayers, doubts, lost dreams and broken hearts.
Sounds pretty pitiful, right? I know. My friends and family have fought for me in prayer and love. They have not been afraid to point out my faults and tell me that I reek of sorrowful stench and regret. I am so thankful.
Recently, after a very long run, I decided to nurse my wounds with a bottle of white wine and a hot bath. I spent the rest of the evening hugging the porcelain throne. The next morning I reeked of more than just sorrow. As I spent the next hour scrubbing every inch of my bathroom, I felt the love of God so tenderly kneeling beside me helping me scrub my bathroom clean.
At that very moment I came to the very real conclusion that my life will never look the way I thought it would when sixteen-year-old me made a dream board of how my future would pan out.
I am okay with this. More than okay.
Why? Because I would rather be where I am, here, single and completely enamored with the love of Christ. I’d rather be here than anywhere else. It doesn’t matter where I live or where I work; as long as I have this relationship with Him, than that is enough for me. In fact, sometimes it’s more than I can handle.
After all my running and stumbling and fighting I have now come to a posture of surrender. Complete and utter surrender to you. Do with my life whatever you will God and I will praise you in the midst of every circumstance no matter how lonely, or sleepless, or heartbreaking they may be.
I have given up everything, and He has given me everything that is of true value back in return.
Because He is worth it all.
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