Dating Mistakes: Choosing Dishonesty
Editor’s Note: One of my dear, bestest friends surprised me with a submission for us this month. She has been blessed with an unbelievable love for God and humility I see in very few people, and she is a gift to me. She blogs at kellyasummers.blogspot.com, and tweets at @kasummers. Please take what she has to heart. – Lauren
When Lauren started the Good Women Project, I didn’t think I would ever be able to write for it. Women have written stories packed with guidance and advice that will take me years to fully comprehend. I’ve only been married nine months, and I don’t feel qualified to give even the newest of newlyweds advice. Women submit stories of struggle and triumph, pain and redemption. My story is pretty plain and safe. Not boring, but not epic either.
When I found out that October was all about dating mistakes, I knew I stood a chance to write something. I know about mistakes.
After hearing God’s call on my life to be a single young woman and pursue only Him, I chose to remain in a relationship that was comfortable. Mistake.
After ending said relationship, I got overzealous and promised God I wouldn’t date anyone for an entire year. Mistake.
About three months into that year, I met an amazing man who turned every aspect of my life upside down, and I could not resist growing closer to him, even though I said I wasn’t dating. Mistake.
When it was obvious that we were more than friends, I spent months denying our relationship, estranging friends and causing immense guilt in my heart and stress on Robert. Mistake. Mistake. Mistake.
When we were finally dating openly, we pushed every boundary there was to push. Over and over again. Mistake.
I know mistakes. But I also know that God redeems. He restores, He forgives.
I know that even when it seemed like I was doing everything in my power to mess things up, God was loving and sovereign. He didn’t ignore my disobedience, but He used my blunders to mold me and change me. He used my mistakes to teach me about honesty.
I wasn’t honest with my friends trying to keep me accountable. I wasn’t honest with Robert who was just trying to love me. I wasn’t honest with myself, and I wasn’t honest with God. That, of course, was the greatest mistake of them all.
Today, I can see how essential honesty is in any relationship. When I find myself in a place where I feel like I’m keeping secrets and hiding my actions or feelings, it’s certain that we will start drifting apart soon. I find that our relationship works best when I am honest with Rob about how I feel and why I feel that way.
It’s also important to know what honesty is not. Honesty is not calling your friend after a fight with your boyfriend to tell her all of the crappy things he’s done. It’s not bashing his habits in the form of a prayer request, and it’s not cutting him down as a man whenever he does something you don’t like.
First Corinthians 13:6 says that “love rejoices in the truth.” Love prevails when you are honest with yourself about your relationship. Love prevails when you can calmly and lovingly explain to the man in your life why you are upset or hurt. Love prevails when you listen to God as He teaches you to be open and real without being hurtful.
It’s not just important to be honest with your husband or boyfriend. It’s also necessary to be open and real with Godly women who can provide accountability. I know I’m blessed to have a small group of women who are willing to be truthful with me about what I’m doing or how I’m acting.
If you’re dating someone, one of the best things you can do is have an older, married woman you can turn to for advice, but the key is to be honest with her. You can feel bad all day long about how you slept with your boyfriend last night, but until you are honest about it, you will never be free of it. The beauty is that you are sitting right in the middle of a project that can help you find a good woman to talk to.
I cringe when I think of all the ways I could have prevented my own marriage during those years of dating, but I rejoice in the knowledge that my God knew His plan and that none of my mistakes could keep Him from receiving His glory.
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What the hell? Please tell me women think about things other than dating/relationships/marriage & sex because I'm starting to really debate my positions on some key issues.
October 11, 2011 at 1:19 am
Of course women think about other things. I'm fairly new to this website but it seems to me that it is specifically set up to talk about the things that women haven't been able to talk about honestly with others before. Every human being has multiple layers of joys, fears and experiences. This is just one outlet specifically set up for a few of them.
October 11, 2011 at 8:13 am
Is this because what you think about and want to discuss with other men is so much broader and deeper than dating / relationships / sex and women? Those sound like pretty important and healthy things women SHOULD be talking and thinking about. As well as the other countless topics posted here every month.
October 11, 2011 at 10:50 am
Nigga, I am friends with people over particular things: i.e. skateboarding, dental school, cigars, etc and none of us could give a rat's forearm about other aspects of their lives. And if that were the case, I'd be neck deep in bananas because of some of the things that interest me which have plenty of (or even in some cases) a vast majority of people with beliefs strongly contradictory to my own. How is this not understandable?
October 11, 2011 at 6:02 pm
“love rejoices in the truth.” A lesson I am personally working through. Thanks for your honesty.
October 11, 2011 at 5:23 am
I need to be more honest, and I need to be held accountable. However, this is hard when you feel like those closest to you will JUDGE or CRITICIZE you when you tell them the terrible things that you've done. How do you overcome this fear of judgment?
November 18, 2011 at 2:28 pm
I feel this, too. Wanting to be freely and openly vulnerable with another woman, a real friend. But there is always fear that what you're struggling with or going through is unique to you. Just remember that it's not. What you're going through, tons of other people have gone though. Even if it's completely embarrassing and hard to admit what you're struggling with, it's totally worth it to share it and gain the freedom that comes with shedding your secrets. Definitely pray about who you would talk to and find someone you really trust. And share your burdens with God if that's part of what you believe. 1 Peter 5:7 says "cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you." Do what you need to do to be free of your burdens and joyful.
March 14, 2012 at 1:16 pm