I Don’t Flirt Anymore So That I Won’t Get Hurt
Editor’s Note: Today’s post is by Breanna Moret. She tweets at @imabumblebre and blogs at breannachanel.blogspot.com. She also wrote a phenomenal post for us on emotions called On The Run, In Hiding, & An Attempt Not To Feel. Oh and PS. Do you stalk your ex on Facebook? We want to know. – Lauren
So there’s this boy…even writing those words gets me excited. Can you feel it too? The excitement you feel when you hear someone tell their love story, the story of how they found someone to love and be loved in return. So there’s this boy. And I like him. But before I go any further, I feel like I need to explain some things.
I have never met my real father and my stepfather is anything but fatherly. Safe to say, I’ve got some residual “daddy issues”. I’m familiar with defense mechanisms, finding ways to compartmentalize and ignore the heavy baggage I carry, from myself and others. When it comes to my heart, I keep it on lockdown, safely tucked away in a box somewhere so that I can control who and how much a person can access it. It’s a continuous battle to keep the doorways to accountability open in my relationships, willing myself to be brutally honest about the current state of my heart. In the last year or so, I’ve welcomed the fight more and more, finding immeasurable amounts of encouragement and support from the people the Lord has placed in my life.
But boys? Boys are another creature entirely. You see, I have never dated. Never had a boy call me up and ask me to that much desired dinner and movie. Never had a boy tell me I’m the most beautiful girl in the world. Never had a boy hold my hand on the way home and kiss me goodnight. So I don’t have the scars some girls carry from a really horrible breakup or relationship gone wrong. I have scars of an entirely different kind.
This is how my story usually plays out: Girl meets boy. Girl likes boy. Girl isn’t sure how boy feels. Girl wonders and hopes and thinks and then wonders a little more all while experiencing a range of emotions from giddiness to insecurity to jealousy to desire, all jumbling together until one bleeds into the next and she doesn’t know what she feels. Girl eventually realizes she’s not enough to catch his attention and gives up. And repeat.
But today I realized the lie in that story. 
Why the hell not? Why aren’t I enough?
I have let myself believe that I’m not worth his love, not worth his respect. And not only have I let myself believe that lie, I’ve come to expect it. Instead of putting myself out there and flirting and getting to know a guy, I run away. I run away because then I remain in control of the situation. I control whether or not I get hurt.
I fill my head with lies that eat away at my self-esteem, my confidence, the very things that make me me. Have you ever told yourself that you’re not pretty enough? That you’re not funny enough? Have you ever told yourself that he would never choose you when he could have so many others?
Because if you have, you need to stop. Stop right now.
You are pretty enough, funny enough, special enough. You are enough.
Psalm 139:14 says, “I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”
The Lord, our Most High God, says you are are fearfully and wonderfully made. All of you. Every inch.
Who am I to say what He has made isn’t good enough?
I’ve burrowed myself deeper and deeper into a pit of doubt and insecurity, refusing to see me how God sees me. Refusing to see that I am worthy. And I am loved. I am respected and desired in every way I could possibly want or imagine by our glorious and perfect God. And that is so much more than what any guy can give me.
So I’m done with the comparisons and the expectations and the lies. I’m done with the running away. I don’t know what will happen with this boy, whether it’ll turn into something or just be one of those crushes, but I don’t really think that’s the point.
The point is that I’m enough.
You’re enough.
We’re enough.
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This is great thank you! So true, so needed, this is my story too.
February 24, 2012 at 5:15 am
"You see, I have never dated. Never had a boy call me up and ask me to that much desired dinner and movie. Never had a boy tell me I’m the most beautiful girl in the world. Never had a boy hold my hand on the way home and kiss me goodnight. So I don’t have the scars some girls carry from a really horrible breakup or relationship gone wrong. I have scars of an entirely different kind."
I can identify with the feelings and effects of those scars: 42, never dated. You're not alone…believing that we are enough is a struggle.
February 24, 2012 at 9:55 am
Needed this. so true and so good! :) this is my story as well, but i'm finding as you said that we're enough because He is good. and He is enough! :)
February 24, 2012 at 9:57 am
Yes, yes, yes!! So many girls need to read this. I love how honest you are. Thanks for writing this! God bless! :)
February 24, 2012 at 10:18 am
Bre, amazing article. You are beautiful. I am beautiful. We are all beautiful. Beauty is more than appearance. It's having a heart for Christ and a desire to be a light for Him. I'm so proud to know you.
February 24, 2012 at 10:37 am
I really needed this today. I'm the perpetual single girl- and so many times I feel like "Why aren't I enough for them to ask me out on a date?" So.. thank you.
February 24, 2012 at 11:13 am
"Girl meets boy. Girl likes boy. Girl isn’t sure how boy feels. Girl wonders and hopes and thinks and then wonders a little more all while experiencing a range of emotions from giddiness to insecurity to jealousy to desire, all jumbling together until one bleeds into the next and she doesn’t know what she feels. Girl eventually realizes she’s not enough to catch his attention and gives up. And repeat."
That perfectly describes what I've been through multiple times….. and honestly, I'm still coming to a place where I can say that I AM enough. Hopefully, that will come with time.
February 24, 2012 at 11:28 am
I DON'T THINK THIS ARTICLE REALLY HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH FLIRTING – I AM NOT IN FAVOR OF FLIRTING OR FLATTERY – MOST TIMES IT IS NOT GENUINE NOR GODLY. BUT I AM IN FAVOR OF HEALING & BEING A WHOLE PERSON WHO CAN REACH OUT & BE REACHED. THE ARTICLE IS GOOD BUT THE TITLE IS DECEIVING – IT IS NOT ABOUT FLIRTING – IT IS ABOUT HEALING… ♥
February 24, 2012 at 12:08 pm
Ridiculously encouraging and SO true. I used to believe that lie.
February 24, 2012 at 1:00 pm
I am enough, and I don't have to compete nor compare myself to anyone else. Thank you! :-)
February 24, 2012 at 1:14 pm
Thank you for sharing your heart with us today, Breanna! I've known those feelings (and still do), but living vulnerably is what I gotta do to experience life as God wanted me to – as an authentic and completely alive woman. It is way easier to take myself out of the game by not flirting and not engaging like I could, but that's not what a woman who is fully present does. So, I stay with the tension of not knowing what will happen. It's difficult but I know that it's worth it – mainly because I am worth it.
February 24, 2012 at 1:28 pm
It took me a long to believe that I was enough, just as I am. Your words resonate.
February 24, 2012 at 1:33 pm
Oh my gosh. Every post I’ve been reading here for the past few days is spot on with what I needed to hear. I felt like I was reading my life story in this one. Thank you so much for writing this and being vulnerable and sharing what God is teaching you. It is not done in vain.
February 24, 2012 at 2:01 pm
This really is glorious. As a married woman who lived your reality when I was single, I see now how I sabotaged (and even still sometimes continue to sink) myself in these lies. Thank you for calling it out and sharing it with others.
February 24, 2012 at 4:15 pm
YES! Thank you :)
February 24, 2012 at 4:56 pm
Thank you for this post. I love this blog. It's the first blog where I've been able to find myself in the stories. Thank you so much.
February 24, 2012 at 7:22 pm
Simply amazing. Thank you for being so honest!
February 26, 2012 at 6:36 pm
This is my life story as well. I tell myself over and over that i enioy being single, but its really a defense mechanism to keep me from getting hurt. At 30 years old, i still ask myself “Why am I not good enogh?”. I’m very slowly learning that my worth is not the problem after all.
Thank you for the encouragement!
March 1, 2012 at 9:23 pm
"Girl meets boy. Girl likes boy. Girl isn't sure how boy feels."
"Girl asks boy how he feels/makes herself available by asking if he'd like to get coffee/give her number/etc"
Stop the cycle and be proactive. It's scary, it's unconventional, but the odds are that the boy may have no idea your feelings, and thus no reason to pursue. You might get rejected, but it's a learning experience… and so much better than driving yourself crazy with what-ifs.
June 22, 2012 at 12:26 pm
flirting and seduction are no good if your not going to speak to the person it only causes emotional anger pain and being led down blind alley it is evil and is of the flesh lust seeks to get something but love works hard for years working for that thing it seeks to give not get .true love is not lust . a discription of lust can go like this it is a false heaven that leads men to hell .WOMEN DRESS MODESTLY STOP FLIRTING AND SEDUCING MEN AND THE WORLD WILL BE A BETTER PLACE EVERY WERE YOU LOOK WOMEN WOMEN WITH BIG SMILES ON THE FACES HARDLEY ANY CLOTHES ON YOUR BEING USED BY PIMPS GET A LIFE AND COVER YOUR SELFS UP .God looks at character
June 28, 2012 at 4:26 am
That’s great and all, but how do I BELIEVE that I am enough. Hearing it isn’t enough for me, not from one or two godly people anyway. When the only friendship I can keep is with a guy, how can I know in my heart that I am good enough?
September 11, 2012 at 3:28 pm
I've read this before, but I reeeally needed it today. Thank you.
October 26, 2012 at 7:09 pm
I've been taught to hide and cover up my feelings for men–even for my girlfriends or for someone special in m family- an aunt, my father, etc. It's too 'gushy' and it's too risky. There may be 25% chance that this person could like you, or that they can't understand you. So I usually hide and am quiet and never say what is inside me. But there comes a point in life when someone is just too special— and you know who I am talking about– that person who you believe could light up your life if you were able to form an intimate relationship with him. But you don't want to be taken as out of your league, drunk, in an emotional crises, or crazy, when you come out and express your feelings. Also, you don't want to push the person away and make them think you are trying too hard- so you 'must be desperate.' So I gather it is all a learning process of failure and successes.
But when it comes to flirting, I do believe that men can go overboard on their reactions to flirting, so that there is a danger for women who flirt, in that the man will automatically assume she is sleezy. But really what I want is to express and confirm that there is true interest in a real relationship– it has nothing to do with 'wanting sex' or being sleezy.
January 12, 2013 at 9:33 pm
I've read this post before, but rereading this week just really hit home for me. There's a guy I've had a crush on for something close to 8 years now, although I lived across the country for about half of that time (during which he also had a girlfriend). But now, I'm back and he's single, and being around him a little more has made me realize it's a lot more than just a little crush. I also have never dated, and on top of serious self esteem issues I've found out some things about my parents and my family that have a big impact on the whole relationships area of my life (and not in a good way). Every time I try to imagine him liking me back, I just can not fathom that someone like him could ever like someone like me, but while he's never made any outright advances, he does usually seem to want to talk to me. I go constantly back and forth with how foolish I think I'm being to like him, how much it could eventually hurt when it doesn't happen, etc. Just this week I've been really confused by some mixed messages. But after I read this the other night at just the right time, I realized there really is no reason to not keep hoping, to not keep trying to put myself out there and see what happens. And realizing how much I could regret missing out without even giving it a real try. And I've set a reminder on my phone to pop up every day saying "You are enough". Thanks for your words and for your hope.
February 14, 2013 at 1:54 am
Thank you, I’ve just been searching for information about this topic for a while and yours is the greatest I’ve came upon so far. However, what about the bottom line? Are you positive about the source?|What i do not understood is in reality how you’re not really much more well-preferred than you may be right now. You’re very intelligent.
June 26, 2013 at 8:23 pm
I have never flirt anyone. Thank you for sharing your story.
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