What’s Your Definition Of Love?
Editor’s Note: About two years ago, I started a photo project where I took portraits of strangers in the street and asked for their definition of love. Not a single one of them knew right off the bat, and only after 5 or 10 minutes of hard thinking could they come up with a strained definition. So today, after you read Natalie‘s post, won’t you leave your definition of love in the comments? Everyone needs a definition of love. Let’s share ours with one another. – Lauren
Love? Are you sure?
I love being in love. It’s probably the one feeling I love the most. I’m addicted to it. If you ask any of my friends or family, they’ll tell you – that girl loves being in love more than anyone we know.
The butterflies in the stomach, the warm embraces, the crazy passion, my heart always racing.
And I’m good at it, too. I put my boyfriend on a pedestal, I’m a huge romantic – affectionate, supportive, faithful, I get along with all his friends, like his taste in music, do all the things he loves to do, basically treat him like he’s the last man on earth.
My last boyfriend said I treated him like a prince, and whenever he was with me he felt surrounded by love and safe. Yet if that was the case – why didn’t it work out? Where did it go wrong?
I know this is going to sound really funny – but I’m an awesome girlfriend. Not because I think I’m some kind of great person – I just LOVE being in love, and it shows. I live for it! 
And it’s all real, in my mind. When I hear “I love you” and say “I love you!”, I never give it a second thought. I never think that it might not be love. In my mind, I’ve decided I’m going to love them with all my heart, always be there for them, to encourage them and do life with them… and I believe that they’ll do the same.
Naive? Maybe. But I’ve loved it too much to check myself.
The problem is, I never stop to see if our definitions of love are even the same.
My idea of love, like many women who grew up on Disney fairy tales, is that my prince charming, my knight in shining armor will slay a dragon just to be with me. You know, that he would rather die first before ever dishonoring me.
I can’t help but think, if I had just taken the time to find out what the word love meant to my past boyfriends – maybe I could have spared myself and them a lot of tears and frustration.
God’s love is unyielding and ours is so fleeting. Yet we use the same word to describe two very different kinds of love.
I’ve been spending a lot of time lately, reflecting on God’s love for me. What it’s looked like over the past 10 years. What it’s looked like over my entire life. And I think, “I’m going to have a hard time accepting the word ‘love’ so easily from now on, from someone I’m dating.”
In the past, I never used to question it. I was just glad to hear it. Relieved, and excited by it. But thinking it means the same thing to them as it does to me has resulted in a lot of heartbreak.
The next time a man says “I love you”, I will ask him: “Are you sure? Because God’s shown me what love means to Him and I have a hunch his version is a little different than yours.”
Next time, I’m going to make sure we both understand which definition we’re referring to.
We need men who try to love us the way God does. Because we’ve walked away from, ignored, abandoned, betrayed, lied to, and hurt God in incredible ways. Yet God never left us or loved us any less.
I need to know that a man will stay and love me through all of my mistakes and offenses. That he will be willing to work with me. That he will wait for me.
Because God is willing to wait for me no matter how long it takes. His love never ceases, changes or grows weaker.
That’s love.
Anyway, I’m just thinking that a lot of hurt and suffering might be prevented if couples start take a good hard look at what their definition of love is.
My prayer is that we all find our true love. But in the meantime, we don’t have to look very far to find it – it comes from our heavenly Father above us.
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This is interesting to me since I feel pretty much the opposite about "I love you". I've said "I love you" freely to my friends and family over the years, and truly meant it, but I always thought that whenever I entered a relationship with a man, it would be something I thought long and hard about before I ever said it. Well, here I am, 27 and in my first serious relationship with an incredible guy who is a whole lot more open about his feelings than I am. In fact, he told me he loved me before we were even officially dating. I was shocked, and questioned him on it immediately, asking if he meant he loved me as friend, or if he was in love with me. He thought about it for a second, and replied, "Both". I was kinda scared by what that could mean, but also really impressed, because I knew it took guts for him to say it. However, I explained to him that I wasn't sure I felt the same way yet, and I couldn't say something about which I wasn't sincere. He understood and just told me to take my time… we've been dating for about 4 months since then, and I still haven't said those three words, even though I'm pretty sure I do feel that for him now.
It's just that to me, with those words comes a promise, a promise that I'm in this for the long haul, there's no one else, and my love for you is unconditional and not simply about feelings. And I don't want to say it until I'm sure of all the above, and I know that it's more than a feeling, and that it's God-inspired. I think I've heard those words thrown around far too often, and I don't want to take them lightly. I think the challenge now is how to know if I'm "in love", since I've never really been there before…
February 9, 2012 at 7:46 am
So good! I've been married for awhile now and have started to see love sooo differently. It's almost more of a promise to me than an statement of feelings.
By saying, "I love you," I'm really saying "I'm going to be patient, kind, lay down my wants and desires to serve you, encourage you through everything, clean your shower when I'd rather be on the couch reading and put on some wicked-hot lingerie just because it's Tuesday."
The amazing part is when he says "I love you" back to me and it means, "I'm going to be patient, kind, lay down my wants and desires to serve you. I'm going to listen to you ramble about your day, clean the garage so you can put your car there on icy nights, make a chocolate run at 10PM when I'd rather be sleeping, bring you flowers on a bad day and go furniture shopping with you just so I can watch you jump up and down and giggle when you finally find the perfect chair."
Love like that is TOTALLY worth waiting for!
February 9, 2012 at 10:13 am
I really like your definition of love as a promise! That was pretty much what I was going to define it as! What an eloquent explanation too!
February 9, 2012 at 12:04 pm
I completely agree with your post Megan! I too am married, for almost 4 years now, and it is the promises that really matter. You can state your feelings, but they only truly show though actions. I am a very proud army wife and in the last 4 years of marriage we have been seperated 24 months of that due to deployments. In addition to what you said, I think love is also not being able to imagine your life without someone. I've unfortunately thought about this a lot due to circumstances … and the thought of having to spend the rest of my life without the man I waited so long for is … well … there are no words to describe it.
February 9, 2012 at 2:23 pm
sister, we are kindred spirits. I felt like you were writing my story down here. Thanks for this encouragement. :)
February 9, 2012 at 12:01 pm
Natalie, I had goosebumps reading this. Seriously! Thank you. It was like reading my own thoughts and history. I have found myself in the same boat with every relationship that has meant anything to me. I am quick to love and I love fervently. Like you said, I am faithful, sacrificial, and I love who I am when I am in love. And then when he doesn't feel the same about me, it's like the world has ceased to make any sense. I hope to someday find someone who loves me the way I am capable of loving him. In the meantime, I have been exploring the ways I have offered my own heart up like a sacrifice on the altar of being in love and contemplating the consequences that have come from that and am trying to be as faithful with my eyes and my heart toward the Lord as I am with a guy when I am in a relationship. I am trying to learn how to fall as in love with God as I can with men.
February 9, 2012 at 12:50 pm
love is like GOD [ G-Generator, O-Operator, D-Destroyer ]
if accept it from HEART ,Then it Generate good things in life.
& Generated things Operate your life in good way.
& now,no need to explain Destroy things.
love is god, god is love.
in love there is god & in god there is love.
& GOD don't have any ''DEFINITIONAL''.
February 9, 2012 at 1:51 pm
To me, love is precisely when what the two are building together, or could build together, is too much to let mistakes and offenses and disagreements etc change their mind about building it.
I have never realized how much what I believed to feel was simply a projection of my expectations or my love for myself before I realized that I was probably in love for real, with a person, and not an idea because I loved the idea of being in love.
I have learned the value of patience, forgiveness and not being selfish and holding things against the other because it was not up to our expectations. I learned to be confident and less needy of continuous confirmation, of being put on a pedestal valuing the quantity instead of the quality of their presence.
February 9, 2012 at 2:30 pm
Love is caring for someone, sacrificing time to help them out, listening to their problems and feelings, love is not a feeling, it's an action. It's being their best friend. Being loyal, loving them unconditionally as God loves us. I want to make someone's life better by loving them. Change their lives and make an impact. I tell everyone I love them, cause I do. Some people need to hear it. i don't know if their I Love You means the same thing, and I don't really care. I am trying to love everyone as intensely as I love my very best friend.
February 9, 2012 at 6:22 pm
First Hi! I'm brand new but I thought I'd stir things up a bit here. Not because I want to troll the comments…but because I too am interested in discussing what it means to be a good woman. So with that, here it goes:
"We need men who try to love us the way God does. Because we’ve walked away from, ignored, abandoned, betrayed, lied to, and hurt God in incredible ways. Yet God never left us or loved us any less. I need to know that a man will stay and love me through all of my mistakes and offenses. That he will be willing to work with me. That he will wait for me. Because God is willing to wait for me no matter how long it takes. His love never ceases, changes or grows weaker."
I'm interested in whether you think this applies to the opposite gender too? So like, do you think of yourself as striving to love in the same way you described in that quote? (I suppose this is a question to anyone, not just Natalie). Could men say: "we need women who try to love us the way God does? etc…" and be accurately defining what you expect from yourself when you love someone? Home that makes sense.
February 9, 2012 at 8:30 pm
Hi Heather! Welcome! Thank you so much for your comment :)! Yes, Absolutely, I think this should apply for both genders. And, sadly, I'm the first one to admit, I'm nowhere near close to being able to love a man like God can love him. I've tried to the best of my ability, to be forgiving, patient, understanding, accepting, etc. But I've also learned my limits. There is only so much I'm able to handle before it becomes "too much" and I have to say goodbye. For me, saying goodbye to a toxic relationship is one of the biggest challenges in life. I'm a relentless optimist. I keep thinking – if I just hang on a little longer, maybe he'll change. If I just try a little harder… But, thankfully, I've learned, God will step in, when I've overstepped my boundaries. He'll make it clear to me that it's not healthy for me to hang on anymore to an idea that is outside His will for my life. If it wasn't for His intervention in my relationships, I don't want to think about where I'd be right now. Who I'd be. Ultimately, He has the final say to whether a relationship is going to work or not – and I am so grateful for that. I hope that answers your question. Thank you again for commenting. I'd love to dialog more. Feel free to send me a message anytime. My blog is ablessedmess.tumblr.com. God's best for you and yours!
February 9, 2012 at 9:14 pm
I think what I find missing from your definition of love is that it includes challenge and brutal honesty. Loving someone is about accepting them, and being patient, and working with them. More then that, though, for me it's about being close enough to someone that you can challenge them and their ideas. You can discuss and argue and challenge each other intellectually and know that when you do so, you aren't attacking them personally, because you love them. And it's when you can tell someone something that they don't want to hear, but they know that what you say is from a place of love.
Or at least that's my idealized version of love. I think I am just finding your definition of love to be too passive. (I don't mean that as an insult). But in your article it seems to be all about turning the other cheek, so to speak, and letting things go. But for me, if you really love someone, you'll tell them when they hurt you or pissed you off and fight to understand the cause of the conflict and (hopefully) try to work it out.
I'm also a bit confused by something you're saying. When you say that there's only so much to handle, and saying goodbye to a toxic relationship is a big challenge. Do you mean that all of your relationships are toxic when you end them? Not that they started that way, but that they become that way before you leave? I know this is very personal, but I guess this is a personal post, so yeah.
February 9, 2012 at 9:34 pm
Heather, these are great questions. I may sound passive in my posts, but as an example, in my last relationship, I stepped outside my comfort zone, which was huge for me, and summoned up the courage to tell my boyfriend all the ways that his actions hurt me. In the end, though it proved to be in vain. It didn't change him or fix our relationship. Relationships are complicated, so it's hard to paraphrase those complexities in a few brief sentences or to generalize them at all. To answer the question about toxic relationships, unfortunately, because of who I am, a messed up person who is definitely in need of a Savior on daily basis, I tend to chase unhealthy situations. People who I "know" aren't right for me. Funny enough, I've been tabling writing an article on that. I'd like to say something like, I'm not your typical, normal girl, but who is? Let's just say, I don't always make the wisest decisions about who I enter into a relationship with. I think I may write that post now about chasing "bad boys" and the consequences that follow. Keep the thoughts coming. I love to be challenged to think deeper about what I'm saying and putting out there. Bless you!
February 9, 2012 at 10:28 pm
Ah, yeah I didn’t mean to imply that you were passive, just that I found your definition to include more of a passive feeling toward it. Well not just your definition…just the way love tends to be defined in general. And yeah I totally get how it’s so difficult to explain it in a few sentences. And I just want to commend you for stepping out of your comfort zone and speaking frankly to your ex. I’m sure it was difficult and probably frightening, because doing something we’re not comfortable with always is. So good on you. :)
So I kinda also wanted to point out, you mention how talking to him didn’t “change him.” I think it’s one of the misconceptions we have about love. We think that if we love each other enough, we can make each other change to force the relationship to work. The idea of – if he loves me, he’ll stop drinking. Or if I just show him how much I love him, he’ll be more considerate of my body image problem.
Perhaps it is pessimistic (I think of it as practical), but I don’t think we can change anyone. You can change yourself, but no one can change you. And that can hurt deeply when it involves someone you love.
Um I’d just like add one more thing…I am not trying to direct this to you personally. I just want to emphasize that, because these are such personal topics and I am replying directly to you. But what I’m saying is not meant as a criticism of you or anything even close to that. I think you are a strong woman to be able to write such a personal story and put it out there like this.
February 9, 2012 at 10:50 pm
Thank you Heather, you are so sweet! Do you want to know something funny? I have a huge passive personality :) I'm okay with it, it makes me who I am. Yes, I'm definitely learning the lesson about how you can't really change someone. Guess it took me a couple of broken hearts to finally figure that out. Thanks for thinking I'm strong. But I can't take the credit for any of that :). One of my favorite passages is 2 Corinthians 12:7-10. It is VERY near and dear to my heart. I'm off now for awhile, but I'll check back soon – have a wonderful evening! <3
February 9, 2012 at 11:11 pm
Yeah, it took me quite a bit of heartache and pain to learn that lesson too. It's something ingrained in women from childhood, I think, that you can change a man. It's a difficult thing to unlearn.
As for you not taking credit for your strength…well I'm an atheist (though not aggressive about it) so that colors how I look at it. But even if God has helped you become stronger, I still think you still can take credit. If there is a God, then he may help you find your way, but you're still doing the work. And in my opinion you can take credit for doing that work to figure out who are and for trying to live a better life.
Anyway I'll be off for quite a few hours. Hope you have a wonderful evening too.
February 9, 2012 at 11:46 pm
Wow everyone’s comments sound so wise.
I’ve never been in a relationship, apart from my one with Jesus and what I can say about love is that love doesn’t give up.
February 10, 2012 at 1:04 am
My problem is I know my husband loves me like that. Completely unwavering and unconditionally, I just don’t know how to love.
September 14, 2012 at 1:44 pm
If you want to "love" men as God does, then give them unconditional respect.
Men need respect. When you respect men unconditionally, they will start to feel "love."
When men feel respected for who they are rather than what they do, they will appreciate women more and be more loving in return.
If you want to demonstrate "love" to men, and want to receive love in return,
then learn to give men unconditional respect, while expecting nothing in return.
This simple truth will change your life and perspective of men.
It is something that men need desperately and women have the power to give.
Read about "love and respect" at http://www.loveandrespect.com
and for younger generations at http://www.loveandrespectnow.com
October 21, 2012 at 2:04 am