They Do Exist.

On The Run, In Hiding, And An Attempt To Not Feel

Editor’s Note: We are wellsprings of both ache and joy. If I have learned anything about the heart of a woman since beginning this project, it is that we are full. And life comes when we gather the courage to put our silence to rest. God is not afraid of what is in our hearts, even if we are. He created it to be this way, and He said that it is good. Breanna Moret tweets at @imabumblebre and blogs at Breanna Chanel. – Lauren

I have a secret.

I hide from my emotions.

In every day life, I’m the happy-go-lucky girl who always has smiles and laughs to spare. In everyday life, I’m co-director of my on-campus ministry and a small group leader who loves to see my girls discover more about Christ and fall more deeply in love with Him. In everyday life, I’m the girl who loves to rock the dress and curly hair combo. But when I get home, I hide from my emotions. I drown them out with music, ignore them with television shows, bury them with homework. And I do all of this because I’m scared. Scared of what will happen if I finally acknowledge their presence.

I’m angry because my father decided he didn’t want me before he even had the chance to meet me.

I’m insecure because I’ve never had a boy like me the way I’ve always wanted them to.

I’m sad because I don’t look like all the other pretty girls on my campus.

I’m lonely because I don’t have that one confidant to share all my secrets with.

I’m worried because I don’t have even a hint of what I should be doing with my life.

I’m afraid I’m not making an impact in anyone’s life.

I’m annoyed because I don’t always love people the way I should.

I hate myself because I don’t turn to the Lord when I feel all these things.

I’m scared because I don’t think I can tell anyone because they’d never understand.

The list goes on and on. So instead of processing and understanding and getting to the root of all of these, I pretend they’re not there. Because it’s easier. Because being numb is better than feeling pain. Or so I’ve let myself believe over the years. I’ve let myself believe the Enemy when he says that emotions are for the vulnerable and being vulnerable somehow makes me less of a person.

I’ve let myself believe that my Father isn’t enough to overcome the anger and rejection I feel towards my earthly father.

I’ve let myself believe that the love of Christ isn’t enough and that I need the approval of men to feel worthy.

I’ve let myself believe that my identity is found in the size of my jeans and the makeup on my face and not in Christ’s sacrifice on the cross.

I have let myself believe that God’s presence won’t bring me contentment and that I need that best friend to fill a void of loneliness.

And I’ve let myself believe that I am the only one who thinks this way, feels this way.

But all of those beliefs are wrong. All of those beliefs are meant to keep me buried in myself, suffocating from the emotions I claim aren’t there. And by no means do I believe emotions are bad. They are given to us from God. But letting them run rampant or acting as if they don’t exist affect my relationship with God? That’s where the problem lies. Emotions do not define my truth, God’s Word does. God’s Word is the everlasting truth, the basis on which I build my faith and my life, not my temperamental, change-in-a-moment’s-notice emotions.

The book of Hosea tells the story of the prophet Hosea, whom the Lord told to marry the prostitute Gomer. Gomer is unfaithful to her husband, but he loves her in spite of all she does. It’s a reflection of Israel’s unfaithfulness to God, but it’s also a reflection of my relationship with God. I continually reject the love and mercy offered to me freely, returning to a life of sin and heartache. However, my favorite verse offers a promise. In chapter 2, verse 19, it says, “I will betroth you to me forever; I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion.” Me and you, we are betrothed to Him forever.

I know the Lord is waiting for me, waiting for me to come and lay my burdens at His feet and He will receive me with love and compassion because His word tells me so.

So I choose that life. I choose a life where I am betrothed to Him forever. I choose a life where I feel my emotions, the good and the bad, with Him at my side. I choose a life where I don’t hide from my emotions, where I don’t run away in trepidation, but a life where I continually and repeatedly bring to Him all that I feel and see that in light of all that I know.

Good Women Project’s very own Lauren Dubinsky wrote this line in one of her stunning blog posts that pierced me with its simplicity and truth, “We forget what he has done when we do not intentionally sit at his feet in our mess.”

I want to be intentional and sit in my mess of emotions at His feet. And I want to do it with you. Will you choose this life with me?

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15 Responses

  1. simply_sweet

    I'm in.

    January 24, 2012 at 7:15 am

  2. Absolutely amazing. I feel the same way about so much of this. It's funny, I always think of my self as over-emotional, but I realize for a while now I've been stuffing them down. Or I'm being lazy with my emotions. It's harder to push through and be open and let God deal with and clean what He needs to, so I haven't. Thank you for this reminder that it is good and He is good and when it's hard, it's still worth it to come back to Him.

    January 24, 2012 at 8:26 am

  3. Beautiful! Thank you so much for sharing!

    January 24, 2012 at 8:53 am

  4. I choose this life with you!! I felt like I was reading something from myself. Thank you for being real. It's good to know I'm not alone. Many blessings to you!

    January 24, 2012 at 11:30 am

  5. Liz

    All I can say is Praise God!!!! I am with you in this and I know that God is smiling as so many of his daughters are brought back to his side through your words. Every single one of those emotions you discussed are ones that I deal with as well. You are not alone and God is doing a great work through and in you.

    January 24, 2012 at 11:49 am

  6. Thank you so much for sharing this with such vulnerability. I echo everything you're saying, from being a mess at his feet right down to rocking the curly hair. Thanks for writing this, Breanna!

    January 24, 2012 at 12:01 pm

  7. Wonderful post! I've struggled with many of the same things. Here's to living out emotions! Even the messy ones.

    January 24, 2012 at 12:23 pm

  8. Lion

    YES! Oh man, I totally believe the same lie that being vulnerable is being weak and less of a person. Let's be intentional together. Thank you for writing this!

    January 24, 2012 at 1:33 pm

  9. connienoelle

    Thanks so much for writing this piece! This echoed so much of what I was thinking about lately.

    January 24, 2012 at 5:18 pm

  10. ANW

    Thank you for sharing this! You are not alone in feeling that way. I find it to be a daily struggle to accept my emotions and give them to God because I’d much rather busy myself in other things than deal with the impact of my emotions. Yet God still waits for me to lay them at His feet. Beautifully written. :)

    January 24, 2012 at 7:14 pm

  11. Rachel Clements

    exactly what i needed today. thank you :)

    January 24, 2012 at 8:30 pm

  12. kip

    wow. yes…even tho by choosing to *feel* my emotions and "sit in my mess" before my Father…i might actually look like a mess at times. but thats ok, because really this relationship, this realness between me and my Savior is what matters.

    this crazy, sometimes insane-looking but constantly trusting and running with tears pouring down my face (or shouts of ecstatic joy!)…back to Him…life. its a mess, but it is worth it. and i cant wait to be with the One Who my soul loves. the One Who "gets me" all the time.

    January 25, 2012 at 2:35 am

  13. Pingback: I Didn’t Love | thesongofallsongs

  14. Tonna

    Amen! Count me in.

    January 30, 2012 at 2:07 pm

  15. Jessica

    I cried whilst reading this post! This is exactly how I feel, I'm constantly questioning myself my actions thoughts and feelings and being paranoid that I'm doing something wrong.
    Thank you thank you thank you for this post! I've added it to my bookmarks – I can tell its going to help me a lot!

    November 19, 2012 at 3:51 pm

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