On The Run, In Hiding, And An Attempt To Not Feel
Editor’s Note: We are wellsprings of both ache and joy. If I have learned anything about the heart of a woman since beginning this project, it is that we are full. And life comes when we gather the courage to put our silence to rest. God is not afraid of what is in our hearts, even if we are. He created it to be this way, and He said that it is good. Breanna Moret tweets at @imabumblebre and blogs at Breanna Chanel. – Lauren
I have a secret.
I hide from my emotions.
In every day life, I’m the happy-go-lucky girl who always has smiles and laughs to spare. In everyday life, I’m co-director of my on-campus ministry and a small group leader who loves to see my girls discover more about Christ and fall more deeply in love with Him. In everyday life, I’m the girl who loves to rock the dress and curly hair combo. But when I get home, I hide from my emotions. I drown them out with music, ignore them with television shows, bury them with homework. And I do all of this because I’m scared. Scared of what will happen if I finally acknowledge their presence.
I’m angry because my father decided he didn’t want me before he even had the chance to meet me.
I’m insecure because I’ve never had a boy like me the way I’ve always wanted them to.
I’m sad because I don’t look like all the other pretty girls on my campus.
I’m lonely because I don’t have that one confidant to share all my secrets with.
I’m worried because I don’t have even a hint of what I should be doing with my life.
I’m afraid I’m not making an impact in anyone’s life.
I’m annoyed because I don’t always love people the way I should.
I hate myself because I don’t turn to the Lord when I feel all these things.
I’m scared because I don’t think I can tell anyone because they’d never understand.
The list goes on and on. So instead of processing and understanding and getting to the root of all of these, I pretend they’re not there. Because it’s easier. Because being numb is better than feeling pain. Or so I’ve let myself believe over the years. I’ve let myself believe the Enemy when he says that emotions are for the vulnerable and being vulnerable somehow makes me less of a person.
I’ve let myself believe that my Father isn’t enough to overcome the anger and rejection I feel towards my earthly father.
I’ve let myself believe that the love of Christ isn’t enough and that I need the approval of men to feel worthy.
I’ve let myself believe that my identity is found in the size of my jeans and the makeup on my face and not in Christ’s sacrifice on the cross.
I have let myself believe that God’s presence won’t bring me contentment and that I need that best friend to fill a void of loneliness.
And I’ve let myself believe that I am the only one who thinks this way, feels this way.
But all of those beliefs are wrong. All of those beliefs are meant to keep me buried in myself, suffocating from the emotions I claim aren’t there. And by no means do I believe emotions are bad. They are given to us from God. But letting them run rampant or acting as if they don’t exist affect my relationship with God? That’s where the problem lies. Emotions do not define my truth, God’s Word does. God’s Word is the everlasting truth, the basis on which I build my faith and my life, not my temperamental, change-in-a-moment’s-notice emotions.
The book of Hosea tells the story of the prophet Hosea, whom the Lord told to marry the prostitute Gomer. Gomer is unfaithful to her husband, but he loves her in spite of all she does. It’s a reflection of Israel’s unfaithfulness to God, but it’s also a reflection of my relationship with God. I continually reject the love and mercy offered to me freely, returning to a life of sin and heartache. However, my favorite verse offers a promise. In chapter 2, verse 19, it says, “I will betroth you to me forever; I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion.” Me and you, we are betrothed to Him forever.
I know the Lord is waiting for me, waiting for me to come and lay my burdens at His feet and He will receive me with love and compassion because His word tells me so.
So I choose that life. I choose a life where I am betrothed to Him forever. I choose a life where I feel my emotions, the good and the bad, with Him at my side. I choose a life where I don’t hide from my emotions, where I don’t run away in trepidation, but a life where I continually and repeatedly bring to Him all that I feel and see that in light of all that I know.
Good Women Project’s very own Lauren Dubinsky wrote this line in one of her stunning blog posts that pierced me with its simplicity and truth, “We forget what he has done when we do not intentionally sit at his feet in our mess.”
I want to be intentional and sit in my mess of emotions at His feet. And I want to do it with you. Will you choose this life with me?
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