They Do Exist.

Are Men Scared Of Strong And Talented Women?

Editor’s Note: I first found Jed Brewer thanks to his heart-stopping article for Relevant Magazine titled, “The Sin You Can’t Quit.” Since then, I’ve loved his raw, ask-me-anything goodness that’s found over on his blog. We asked you women on Facebook if you had any questions for a man – and I asked Jed to answer one. And he did. Marvelously. You can follow Jed at @jedbrewer. – Lauren

Question: “Are men attracted by strong and talented women or scared of them?”

Hey Sis,

This is a great question. And the unfortunate news is that, yes, some men are terrified of strong, talented women.

Some men see a successful woman, or a talented woman, or a capable woman as a threat. The woman’s awesomeness holds up a mirror to what’s missing in that guy’s own life, and he hates her for it.

It gets worse, though. That same kind of man doesn’t really have friendships with other guys, and for the same reason. He can only stand to be around wounded, insecure, passive men. Because Real Men scare the crap out of him.

So, that kind of guy views everyone and everything as competition. He can’t be happy for anybody else, ever. He can’t celebrate other people’s victories. And he can’t even enjoy his own, because he always feels like he’s at a deficit.

And you, my sister, should not have anything to do with a man like that. And you don’t need to.

The reason you don’t need to is that there is a different kind of man out there. He’s far rarer, but I promise he does exist.

This is a man who knows what he brings to the table. Knows what his strengths are. Knows what his weaknesses are. And accepts himself.

Some people would call that “confidence”, and that’s a part of it. But what we’re really talking about, though, is actual, Biblical humility. Humility doesn’t mean being down on yourself. It means knowing who you are, and accepting it.

A humble man is able to be confident. He’s confident in the strengths God has given him. He’s aware of his growing edges, and he takes them seriously, but he’s also confident that God is at work sanding them down. He’s confident that there is a purpose to his life – that he was made for a reason – and, because of that, he’s able to face uncertainty in life with resolve, and not panic.

As I bet you’re guessing, that kind of real humility comes from a deep walk with the Lord. Knowing that you are loved and accepted, as you are, with full disclosure of all your shortcomings, allows you to love, and accept, yourself. To quote David Mamet, humility is peace.

This all brings us back to your question. Would that humble man be attracted to a strong and talented woman? Yes, of course. But that only tells part of the story.

A humble man wants a humble woman. So that means a woman who is in touch with both her strengths and her weaknesses. A woman who embraces and develops her gifts, but who also faces her insecurities and hang-ups head on.

A humble, Godly man wants to love a woman completely. He wants to love all of her, including the parts that could use some work. But the woman has to accept herself in order to receive that love. Otherwise it falls on deaf ears, or, worse, is rejected.

And, just like for the man, accepting yourself comes from knowing that God has first accepted you. Loving yourself comes from knowing that God has first loved you.

As you live into and embrace that reality, accepting and loving yourself today, as you are, you will find that the right kind of guy finds you completely irresistible.


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21 Responses

  1. symphony

    this was a beautiful read. thank you for sharing :)
    i am super encouraged by it!
    thank you for showing that there is hope !

    March 13, 2012 at 7:26 pm

  2. So encouraging!! Thanks for writing this! God bless!

    March 13, 2012 at 8:31 pm

  3. Jordana

    another amazing post from the men!

    March 13, 2012 at 8:34 pm

  4. There is nothing more attractive to me than a strong, talented woman who is independent, as long as she is serious about her relationship to God. Women, do not be afraid to be strong and talented and beautiful. You do not want the type of man who is not drawn to those characteristics.

    March 13, 2012 at 9:03 pm

    • lumilarose

      Loved this comment as much as the blog post. Thank you.

      March 14, 2012 at 10:40 am

  5. Annika

    I needed to hear that! Thank you!

    March 14, 2012 at 3:55 am

  6. I love this! Humility is such a key to a healthy relationship of any kind. The two things that kill relationships quickly are false bravado and insecurities. Thanks for cutting through to the heart of the issue!

    March 14, 2012 at 11:20 am

  7. This was an amazing post. As a stong woman, you sometimes wonder what is wrong with you and why the right guys are not showing up. We are told that we are amazing by so many different people and sometimes you just feel like not believing it anymore. You figure that it is something that you need to change. So, you seriously think about changing who you are but you like who you are and hate the thought of going backwards. It is so good to hear that I shouldn’t have to change. If it is something that God has for me then it will be the guy that is not afraid of or intimidated by me.

    March 14, 2012 at 1:21 pm

  8. As a guy, this is great to hear. Keep pushing guys to work harder and be better.

    March 14, 2012 at 3:17 pm

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  10. Brad

    Am I SCARED? No.

    A better question is, are strong and talented women scared of committing to or accepting a man?

    May 14, 2012 at 9:20 pm

    • I think that is definitely part of it. I do not want to sound overly feminist but, as a strong women, I am not necessarily looking to accept the admiration of a man. So, when one comes along who enjoys the company of a strong woman, it takes me a while to realize what is going on because it is not at the forfront of my mind. A little look into my life and who I am: my first “date” with my ex, I didn’t even realize it was a date until it was almost over. In my experience ( personally and talking with other women in the same boat), a man that wants a strong woman is going to work hard for it. As is the woman is going to have to work hard at allowing the man to pursue. I have found it easy to take control of the situation because I am used to doing so. So, a challenge to men looking for a strong woman: make your thoughts, feelings, and expectations known. We appreciate your willingness to come into our world. Even though sometimes its a trek to get to the place you want to be, we enjoy every minute of who you are because you let us be who we are.

      May 15, 2012 at 1:16 am

  11. This post is excellent, Jed! I love the way you brought it back around to clarify that this strong, talented woman needs to be full of godly humility, too. You are so right.

    July 26, 2012 at 4:44 pm

  12. Pingback: Ask A Married [Man] - What's The Point of Waiting Til Marriage For Sex If You've Already Had It? - Good Women Project

  13. Fiona

    Wow…my heart is crippling inside me as I didn't know any better before marrying mu husband…it turned down he suffered, hated me for being who I wanted to be or claimed God wanted me to be…He teared down every plans I had, discouraged for doing any sort of work..laughed secretely at me when I was down, talk about me to people behind my back and all I wanted was to sing for the Lord, study after the kids were born and look for a career…he hated that people in church was telling me, I had a good voice…he was the only one saying my voice wasn't strong enough…and that I was nothing, shouldn't take myself too seriously…It took 5 years to gather courage after much trying to talk to him and waking up to the fact that i was being emotionnaly abused…he couldn't love himself, never had any friend, because guys were a treat or could steal his wife, he never had a once of encouragement for me, never gave the kids any pat in the back…he was incapable of loving…and sex was somehow his revenge on me…if I refuse, he will show me some Bblie scriptures…I threaten to leave if things doesn't change or get counselling, he replied that If I leave him, I will be a single mother for the rest of my life or live in sin with someone like the Bible say and not to count on him for being there for the children…it's like they had never existed… i hallucinated…gathered all courage, prayed with my toddlres and left him…at that point I was scared, who I married…..Now I am confused…it was two years ago….he is not involved in our lives but tells me if you want me to see the kids, you should come back home…i finally applied for the divorce….i am free to be myself…to pursue writing gospel songs, working and still be around the children…my faith is stronger but I am left scarred but the divorced status…I am trying to forgive myself to have ended with him and had children…am tletting God heal me and the children…it hurts and I am angry at myself…never be with someone with low self esteem…I am glad I got out one time…I felt God's leading me through even with all the people telling God hates divorce…yes he hates abuse too….

    December 6, 2012 at 9:06 am

  14. Fiona

    sorry for so many mistakes while typing…I know my values and I know how to appreciate a man…it was really sad that My ex husband just couldn't see and he hated me dearly for it…I could feel it the way he talk to me, about me, or make love to me…it was really sad….this post says right…never be with a man like that

    December 6, 2012 at 9:10 am

  15. I think in reality, this has more to do with the personality types of the man and woman involved. Some men simply find highly successful women attractive, and don't see them as a threat, because that type of personality personally appeals to them.

    But like so many things in life (for women or men), attitude plays a major part; if pride and arrogance are what's coming across, no amount of success or accomplishment will make them attractive.

    March 25, 2013 at 8:46 am

  16. assman

    I don't want a strong, confident, assertive woman. I want a feminine, sweet one. I hate strong ,confident, assertive women. There are many men like me. A good example is Warren Buffet.

    I am totally secure in who I am. But I only want a weak woman who has suffered, is unselfish, loving, hopeful and extremely feminine.

    September 10, 2013 at 8:45 pm

  17. Jay

    I think the same as assman. My other men friends and I are strong, confident and assertive, we work and play sports together. I get strong and confident all day as I compete hard at work and with my guy mates.

    A girlfriend to me is someone with whom I enjoy spending my time. When I go home at night I go home to my amazing, beautiful young girlfriend. I date her because she is non aggressive, never tries to boss me around or tell me what to do, she is sweet, feminine, caring and takes my lead because she admires me.

    She's got me. I love her. She has me for as long as she wants me. I'll always put her first and always protect her. I have no interest in other women. Other women have a lot of interest in me – I am 35, fit, successfully, wealthy, educated.

    My girl has won at the game of love and so have I.

    That I date a girls who is gentle and not bossy doesn't mean I only want to dominate women and that I am a 'misogynist' (a word that today seems to mean a man who doesn't hysterically promote women in everything they want) and it doesn't mean I'm not man enough to 'handle a strong woman'. That's like saying I'm not man enough to stand naked in the rain for 4 hours. It's just something unpleasant that I don't want to waste my time doing.

    I just like being with someone romantically who is pleasant and gentle in their nature. It's that simple.

    Women need to wake up to the realities rather than continue to hysterically beat the drum of fake reality. They are free to be whatever they want and if they want to be 'strong' understand it might just be a bit unpleasant to be around. The sooner they accept this than continue to try to find ways of blaming and shaming (you're scared of commitment, you're scared of real women) men into putting up with it, the sooner they will get what they want.

    October 23, 2013 at 6:03 am

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  19. True

    Without A Doubt.

    November 23, 2014 at 10:52 am

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