From The Men: Break-Ups Hurt Us Too
Editor’s Note: It is so easy to feel like a break-up is the worst for you, that your ex-boyfriend feels nothing – and that it’s unfair. Several women in our community have sincerely asked, “Do men have a hard time with break-ups?” and Stephen Green has done an awesome job of answering this question for us. – Lauren
Dear Women:
My name is Stephen. I’m writing this letter because I want to share a little bit of truth about the male gender that seems to be so misunderstood.
A lot of women think that when it comes to breakups, men are emotionally unattached and simply “move on” from the relationship. If only it were that easy. It is often forgotten that men are emotional creatures just as women are, but culture teaches us to suppress our emotions or to give off a persona of being “tough” and unmovable.
Over the summer a friend of mine had a terrible breakup with his girl friend of 7 months, and when I saw him at the beginning of the school year I could tell that something was, at the very least, bothering him. We had a brief conversation about it and he told me that he was going to be fine and that he was moving on. We went our separate ways and the next few times I saw him he was his typical, outgoing self. About 2 months later, however, I was sitting out in my car with my friend talking when he pulled his car into the parking lot and parked just a few spaces over from me. I looked over and I saw the tears running down his face. I called him over to my car and he admitted to having been crying over the girl that he had broken up with at the beginning of summer. He and I talked again a couple weeks later over the same reason. 
Men are not emotionally unattached, even if we appear to be. While it is possible that they have taught themselves to be numb to the pain, it still has an effect on our souls.
As for me, while I’ve never experienced the pain of a break up, I have repeatedly experienced the pain of rejection. And most recently I have been found in a situation in which I like a girl and she likes me, but she has decided that it is unwise for us to date and has chosen not to enter into a more serious relationship with me. Even though this is technically not a breakup, it seems to me to be just as severe and I have cried several times over the matter. I have taken a stab to the heart by someone I have been close to for a very long time and have come to have a great deal of love for.
From my perspective it seems like she is far less hurt or emotional concerning her conclusion (which is based off of her plans for the future rather than not actually wanting to be with me), but I am careful not to assume that she is emotionless.
As a disclaimer: there are men out there that seek to date for physical pleasure and never enter into a truly emotional state within in the relationship, and he was therefore half hearted in his dating. If a man is truly unemotional (not just in look but in reality) then he was never really committed and dated for a self-centered reason, which is hardly dating in my opinion.
There were several topics I could have shared on, but unfortunately I couldn’t possibly write on all of them in one letter. So I end with this: remember that men have emotions. Perhaps they are not “as emotional” as women, and perhaps even unwilling to reveal what they believe to be “weakness”. But even if you can’t see it, the emotion is there.
Please do not play with our emotions. A lot of men play with the emotions of women, and they are most recognized and despised, but people seem to excuse women when they play with our hearts and it does a great deal of damage. (I have seen with other friends of mine do this in order to simply get the attention of guys to make her feel better.) This also affects our opinions of women, which can be just as twisted as women’s perspectives on men.
God loves you, and there are good men out there. God will lead you to the right person, and there might be pain in that process. But in the end you will be unified with the one who will complete you and in your relationship bring to you a better understanding of God, because in our unity with our spouses we experience a measure of what it means to be the Image of God.
With Love and Sincerity,
Stephen.
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Stephen, thanks for being frank about this! Being told (or expected) to "man up" when facing deep emotional pain and hurt and not show any tears is something that constantly plagues men. Hiding genuine emotion only leads to added stress, fear, and even physical, medical problems.
March 26, 2012 at 4:31 pm
This is really good.
I didn't realize the full extent of my husband's emotions until years after we were married. He's an energetic, out-going and very open man- a musician as well, but there was a deep, deep part that never surfaced. I realized the power my words have on him and HAD had on him while we were dating and first married.
If this is true of all men (and I suspect it is) we women really need to rethink our words and the way we think about men. They are not strong, protective robots, nor are they selfish animals. They are human beings- made in the image of God and worthy of our respect.
March 26, 2012 at 6:45 pm
Suddenly, so much I have noticed and thought about men make so much more sense. Thank you for being brave enough to share this.
March 26, 2012 at 7:38 pm
I really needed to read this. Thank you for unveiling your heart…it is so helpful to know…you (men) can appear so invincible at times.Thank you for a new perspective….sorry for your hurt. Sure hope you find peace and God brings you much encouragement in the midst of your situation. ;-)
March 27, 2012 at 2:26 am
I understand this…and I see where this is coming from. What I don't understand is how a guy who initiates the breakup can feel worse about it. 6 weeks ago I went through a completely unforeseen breakup (he was about to propose and panicked at the last minute), but the guy seems to feel/be taking it even worse than I am (which is a feat in itself–I haven't exactly been rainbows and sunshine for the past 6 weeks. XD). But on the flip side, he doesn't think he can do anything about it. It's such a weird dichotomy. :/
March 27, 2012 at 8:45 am
I'm confused at why women even wonder about this. About 70% (I've read very good statistical evidence of this, by the way) of breakups in heterosexual romantic relationships are done by the woman – presumably in most of these cases the male wanted the relationship to continue, since almost all relationships (and this isn't statistical, just experiential) are started by the guy initiating it, which usually means the guy was also the one who more strongly or first wanted the relationship to happen. So how would women think breakups don't give men any negative feelings? I'm honestly not sure where that impression would come from.
July 12, 2012 at 4:46 pm
My ex-boyfriend (who said he loved me and even referenced "our" hypothetical wedding) broke up with me and has seemed entirely stoic about the whole thing. I will say, though, that I do hope he's secretly crying himself to sleep. It's hard to not be bitter when I feel like he's totally f***ed me over. I'm freaking exhausted of trying to find love anymore. My heart's been shredded too many times. I actually used to agree with the topic of this post, but the older I get the harder it is to see men in a positive light b/c they really do just seem like a bunch of heartless drones.
October 25, 2012 at 5:31 pm
Grace is finding that even though a guy you date shreds your heart, he is still not the one who can put it back together. Only God can.
October 25, 2012 at 11:46 pm
Um, good women project? How about a good luck finding a good man project? I mean, women's shelters exist because men abuse us. And I agree with S. My ex left for another girl after two solid years, and I don't think he's suffering much banging her. Nor did he suffer in bed with me two weeks before giving me the great news that he was seeing another girl. And mind, this was a good one, good boy, not a womanizer. Good women project? I think men should start suiting themselves up for the job.
November 30, 2012 at 1:03 am
NOT ALL MEN ARE BAD!!!
Women do equally evil things to men!!!
Don't pretend that women are somehow better human beings than men!!!
Women's violence against men is just as bad, but we don't have any men's shelters, let alone an ounce of sympathy for abuse against us!!!
Society thinks its funny to abuse men, and then turn around and ridicule and shame men who are victimized!!!
Perhaps women should "suit up" as well!
Or we could just call it a tie, and admit that we all suck!
We should spend less time pointing fingers at each other and more time holding ourselves accountable.
When you see other women treat men badly, don't rationalize it and say its okay!!!! Tell them to stop!!!!
Women should be calling each other out on all their BS.
Men should do the same!
I'm sorry your boyfriend left you!
One helpful idea might be to ask yourself if you did anything to cause him to leave. Men aren't so one-dimensional that they would leave a two-year relationship just because of physical sex (especially if he was already sleeping with you). And this is even more true since he was a "good man" as you stated. He most likely had other REAL significant reasons for leaving, which you should find out.
Don't make the assumption that your happiness during those "two solid years" also meant that he was happy.
Too many women define the relationship status and even his feelings by whether or not they (women) are happy.
Sadly, many women don't care or never bother to find out if their man is actually happy in the relationship.
Those women are too busy thinking only about themselves!
Don't just be angry, become informed! Fix things about yourself before your next relationship!
Based on your short paragraph, I'll make the quick random assumption that you were either spying on/accusing him of stuff he was not yet doing, being really negative, critical, or judgmental, disrespectful, and/or super selfish and needy.
You might also seem disappointed/frustrated that you weren't able to manipulate/control him through sex into staying in the relationship.
Who knows? I could be totally wrong. That's for you to figure out!
Good luck!
January 1, 2013 at 10:10 am
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Stephen thanks for sharing. Just wondering that guy that cried over breaking up with his girlfriend, did he get back together with her?
April 30, 2013 at 8:30 pm
I jst broke up with mine cos i got tired of doubting if he loves me or not even though he kept tellin me he does bt he jst acts the oppisite..so i broke up with him and @ first he tot it was a joke nd when i made him realise it wasnt all he said to me was ‘Better for you’ obviously he never really loved me and that jst cleared my doubts..bt then,i still belive not all guys are the same if a guy really loves you i belive he would hurt over the break up..
December 18, 2013 at 2:57 am
I jst broke up with mine cos i got tired of doubting if he loves me or not even though he kept tellin me he does,bt he jst acts the oppisite..so i broke up with him and @ first he tot it was a joke nd when i made him realise it wasnt all he said to me was ‘Better for you’ obviously he never really loved me and that jst cleared my doubts..bt then,i still belive not all guys are the same if a guy really loves you i belive he would hurt over the break up..
December 18, 2013 at 2:59 am
I jst broke up with mine cos i got tired of doubting if he loves me or not even though he kept tellin me he does,bt he jst acts the oppisite..so i broke up with him and @ first he tot it was a joke nd when i made him realise it wasnt all he said to me was ‘Better for you’ after the breakup i felt bad bt immediate ly he said that i felt stupid 4 feeling bad nd cryin and the wasted time i spent with him…obviously he never really loved me and that jst cleared my doubts..bt then,i still belive not all guys are the same if a guy really loves you i belive he would hurt over the break up..
December 18, 2013 at 3:01 am
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August 18, 2014 at 9:45 am
I threw mine out. He was seeing someone else. He was into drugs and taking pills. Long story but he broke up with her and came back to me, lived at my house for 3 weeks, she calls crying and saying she cant move on. He says he thinks about me when he's with her and about her when he's with me. Time to cut him loose. He was bawling when I kicked him out. I changed my number. I cant handle him being with someone else but its time to move on. I will not speak to him at the moment. Im sure he'll continue driving past my house and trying to get hold of me. Just so odd that men can lie and betray (not that women don't do this) and then act like everything is well. Its hard but out of sight out of mind. They always seem to contact eventually!
November 26, 2014 at 6:54 am
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January 24, 2015 at 9:16 am
what if you have been talking with that man for 2 years and 5 months day and night long distance, shared the best moments apart, and suddenly turns his back…is that an emotional man? i dont think so
April 15, 2015 at 5:42 am
Thank you for being frank about it. Thank you for sharing the story. It's true that the culture makes men have to show the strong, emotionless side. Yes, man can cry, and whenever I see a man's tears, it hurts me much. I respect the emotion of men.
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December 2, 2017 at 2:21 am
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March 2, 2018 at 4:54 am
Hello,nice share.
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February 9, 2019 at 5:40 pm
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May 16, 2022 at 5:36 am
It is true that culture often teaches men to suppress their emotions and to present a strong, unemotional persona. This can lead to men feeling that they cannot express their emotions or that they are not allowed to show vulnerability. However, it is important to recognize that men are just as capable of experiencing a wide range of emotions as women are, and that it is healthy for them to be able to express and process their emotions in a healthy way.
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January 13, 2023 at 6:07 am
Stephen I am grateful that you shared. I'm just curious about what happened with the man who sobbed after his breakup with his girlfriend: did he wind up getting back together with her? backrooms game
January 26, 2023 at 9:47 pm
Good day, cherished compatriot! With utmost respect and admiration, I send my warmest greetings, wrapped in a tapestry of unwavering loyalty, shared memories, and unbreakable bonds. May your journey be graced with golden opportunities, and may you always find solace in the embrace of loved ones who cherish and support you. Pokemon Infinite Fusion
July 3, 2023 at 11:21 pm