From The Men: Who We Really Are
Editor’s Note: This may be the greatest challenge, encouragement & truth I’ve heard spoken about masculinity. Women, are you speaking to a man’s potential? When was the last time you praised a man for his strengths? Men, do you know your potential? Are we handling lust, porn, and gender differences correctly? Bob Hamp is a man I respect deeply; Pastor of Freedom Ministries at Gateway Church, counselor, author, father, & truth-speaker. He is marrying Max & I this weekend! You can read Bob’s blog here & follow him on Twitter at @bobhamp. – Lauren
The women were up in arms!! The way the men were treating them was demeaning and de-humanizing. In fact it wasn’t so much the way they were being treated, it was that they were being treated as if they didn’t exist.
Ignored. Interaction was kept to a minimum. Every woman on staff had begun to feel they were being treated as an object. A grunt, a minimally worded directive, these had become the norm as the men in the organization set a cultural standard for the treatment of their women.
Upon further investigation, I found that the previous leader of the organization had entered into an inappropriate relationship with one of the women on staff.
In an attempt to protect the women, and preserve the organization, all the men on staff had agreed that they simply would not relate to the females on staff. They had made a classic blunder. A common mistake that people and organizations, and yes, cultures make, when they try to fix a problem. They had taken the problem and moved to a false opposite. In their mind, the opposite of an inappropriate relationship was to have NO relationship. You only have to read the words to recognize the blunder. Clearly the opposite of an unhealthy relationship is a HEALTHY relationship.
It’s good that our Christian culture is wise enough to avoid this silly mistake. Or are we?
Asked recently about ministering to men, I made the comment that I think men need to be treated differently. We need to talk about more than just how not to lust. Men’s ministry often becomes about accountability, paying attention to family, and ways to keep from looking at porn. When are we going to realize that the opposite of pornography is not NO pornography. The opposite of pornography is men stepping into the fullness of God’s design for true and healthy masculinity.
During my sixteen years as a counselor in private practice, I saw again and again that the real reason people seek help is not for the problems of their lives, rather people seek help because they deeply struggle with bad solutions to the problems of their lives.
The problem we men struggle with is fatherlessness. We struggle with understanding and living in deeply satisfying relational intimacy, with both genders. We struggle with fears of inadequacy, and a lack of familiarity with the emotional territory of the heart. We struggle with the loneliness that comes from our fear of failure, and not knowing how to relate to women in healthy ways.
The opposite of pornography is not the absence of pornography. The opposite of pornography is when men learn to discover their true identity. It is when men can find God to truly be the Father to the Fatherless. It is when Men discover that risking is the only way to learn new ways to relate; when women learn how to help us in these areas, instead of simply criticizing us for our inabilities.
I am tired of hearing it drilled in to my gender that we will always struggle with lust, and that because we are visually stimulated we are doomed to always struggle with our eyes. Isn’t it much more likely (and more biblical) that any struggle with our eyes is first and foremost a struggle with the heart? Isn’t it possible to recognize a woman’s beauty at all levels and not wander into places in our heart that are out of bounds?
This is NOT what is communicated, when we are sent the constant message that we are weak, lustful creatures, who need women to dress differently in order to protect us from our poor uncontrollable masculine responses.
I feel certain that when Jesus approached prostitutes, He did not avert His eyes. In fact, I feel certain that He looked at them in ways that, allowed them to be known by God, in ways other than they knew themselves. Cannot we too, look at women who have found their identity in their sexuality and allow them to experience respect, even when they do not respect themselves?
For too long we have declared what our weaknesses are, instead of standing up and reclaiming our strengths.
What if instead, we begin to tell men that we are created in the image of God, with the capability for true and honest love and respect. That as fathers, we can give our sons and daughters a sense of deep identity, and validate their true self. We can foster a sense of security, competence and safety when we hold our children close, and learn, in a Christ-like way, how to handle their weaknesses and frailties with grace and empowerment.
What if instead, we tell men that they can treat other women as people of value; that when we purpose to learn from them, we can see the world from our hearts and not just our eyes.
What if instead of fearing and belittling the emotional and intuitive world of a woman, we allow them to help us open up to a new way of relating, and a new understanding of how to nurture and motivate? If we did that, we could truly allow them to be helpers suitable to our needs.
In the same way that the diet industry has inadvertently created a fast food boom, I fear our singular war against pornography can create a guilt and shame induced appetite for more of the very thing we war against.
What if, instead of simply telling men how NOT to fill the emptiness of our souls with porn, we begin an honest and gritty journey to tell men that God created us to live a life of deep relationships, competence, and legitimate power.
He has made available to us many legitimate ways to experience companionship, intimacy, respect and relational wholeness.
What if both genders stopped accepting this view of the poor crippled male and began to declare the power of the restored masculine soul?
We were created to be sons of the Father of all fathers. We were made to steer the universe alongside the Firstborn of Many Brothers. We were made to receive and give the deepest kind of love as a means of being partners in covering the world with the Glory of God. We were made to not only receive but to walk in the kind of intimacy that can only be described as “One-ness”.
Let’s stop telling men what they cannot do, and instead, let’s begin to tell them who they are.
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This is outstanding! Thanks for sharing, Bob and Lauren!
September 1, 2011 at 11:46 am
Well said, Bob. I don't think I've ever heard this perspective before, and it's ground-breaking. I've always had huge problems with topics addressed to women because they almost always deal with modesty. I've never thought about the men's side of it. But this makes sense, and I hope our culture can learn to adopt it.
September 1, 2011 at 11:50 am
I love the idea, but some of us (like me) are too ugly to have that kind of love from anyone. The fact that my husband wants porn all the time is because I am not attractive enough. I'm not boo-hooing or poor me-ing, I'm just stating a fact.
September 1, 2011 at 12:02 pm
rob bell talks about some of this in Sex God, that getting away from lust (no matter the form) isn't about subtracting so much as addition–channeling our God given passions and energies into that which is healthy and whole. c.s.lewis spoke similarly in the weight of glory.
i'm all for claiming who we ARE and living our identities as people made in the image of God. yes and yes. but it can become a slippery slope when we move into strict gender prescriptives that are often cultural and can be just as damaging as the "guys are just big hornballs!" narrative.
great food for thought.
September 1, 2011 at 12:15 pm
Person above! That is not a fact that is a lie you have, tragically, believed. Your husband wants porn because he is broken and needs help (I have been there), nothing to do with you. And you are not ugly, you're made in the image of the God who invented beauty – ask Him how lovely you are. He can't lie. If your husband has stopped exploring your beauty then he is missing out.
September 1, 2011 at 12:17 pm
I cannot even begin to tell you how refreshing it is to have this shared. I recently had a new friend email me and confess his struggle with lust/pornography, which I followed up with a dive into helping him understanding identity, exploring areas of false-validation, and more.
Men need encouragement and reminders of who they are IN CHRIST. When we're called "pigs and perverts", it doesn't motivate Christ inside of us… it provokes the devil to keep prowling in the dark of our nights.
Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for sharing this, Bob Hamp.
September 1, 2011 at 12:47 pm
Yes yes yes!
September 1, 2011 at 1:30 pm
OMG!!! Bob, how can you keep coming up with this stuff that so completely changes & refreshes! I worked in that church environment. Completely ignored & disregarded. This was like water to my soul.
September 1, 2011 at 1:54 pm
Unfortunately thought patterns like "Person" has are a nasty byproduct of pornography. It creates a spirit of comparison in the one who is being presumably passed-over for it and also in the person involved with it. It hurts everyone. Person's comment breaks my heart. If that was my wife (and it was at one point) it would crush me to know she felt that way about herself largely because of my actions.
When men (or women I suppose) are involved with pornography it makes them a hollow shell of themselves or who they should be. I think it leads to a depressed state of mind to where only the thing causing the depression can stimulate ,for a moment, the feelings of life again…then they crash again and after this pattern of behavior plays itself out a few times, self-hatred sets in. It can be hard to break.
I loved this article because I think having someone that loves and believes in you enough to call out of you the attributes of a godly man with strength and grace is the only way to break the cycle. As men, we must come to a real understanding of what we can be and achieve and envision our future and the better lives of those around us as a result of living out the life God put in us.
We are not destined or doomed to a life slogging through the mud, Jesus has bigger plans for us.
Bob, any plans for a follow-up touching on how we can help our wives heal from the affects of pornography or other sexual abuse?
September 1, 2011 at 2:07 pm
This is *AWESOME*!
My husband and I just celebrated 10 years of marriage and have experienced our fair share of craziness. I’ve been thinking about what I can do to keep shown him I love him, want to be married to him, and how I can show him he’s precious to me… This just gave me some things to chew on. Bless you for challenging us!
September 1, 2011 at 3:23 pm
wow! this was beautiful and the most refreshing read on this topic I've ever come across. I would love to learn more about how I can encourage my brothers in Christ in the ways you've mentioned Bob.
loved this:
" We were created to be sons of the Father of all fathers. We were made to steer the universe alongside the Firstborn of Many Brothers. We were made to receive and give the deepest kind of love as a means of being partners in covering the world with the Glory of God. We were made to not only receive but to walk in the kind of intimacy that can only be described as 'One-ness'. "
September 1, 2011 at 6:30 pm
Bob, this is one of the best posts on encouraging masculinity that I've ever read. It's time to take off the broken glasses of how we view men – we only make the problems worse and stumble because we can't see clearly. It is time to start seeing them as Jesus did. Inviting and encouraging them to be who they were created to be. Thanks for sharing this'
September 1, 2011 at 8:20 pm
I'm having one of those "six degrees of separation" moments… Only it's more like three or four? My mom works under/with Bob. He is such an awesome man! I've been following your (Laurens) blog for a few weeks now and I am so thrilled for the both of you! Congrats :)
-Brittany
September 1, 2011 at 8:31 pm
Wow.
September 2, 2011 at 10:08 am
On earth as it is in heaven. Yes!
September 2, 2011 at 10:23 am
Amen, Bob well said! On all aspects! I hope that everyone will find the Freedom God has for each of us in these areas! I think more people deal with this issue than we admit, thank you for revealing truth to us all!!!
September 2, 2011 at 12:01 pm
To PERSON. I felt like you once. I thought I was so ugly that when people were nice to me it was because they felt sorry for me. I thought that even my parents only loved me because I was their child. I thought that I was doing people a favor when I ignored them or walked away from them because I was so ugly and weird that they would be happier if I would leave. I never felt like I belonged or fit in anywhere. I saw people who are not conventionally pretty find love and thought that was proof that I was unlikeable and unloveable. I married an angry (hurting) man who was verbally and emotionally abusive and took that as further confirmation of my unworthiness. But through counseling I learned that the Lord disagreed with me about all of that. The Lord who wept with me when I was sexually abused by a neighbor when I was a child. Please find a good Christian counselor who can help you work through the lies that Satan wants you to hold on to. God wants you to think rightly about yourself and Satan wants you to hate yourself. Jesus loves YOU this I know. And there IS hope :)
September 2, 2011 at 12:52 pm
Thanks for writing this! It's so good!
I was just talking about this subject with my friend this week. I said "Why can't the men in our church see us as sisters? Accept us and talk to us? I've been here for 18 years. Why do they have to ignore me? I am here and I need brothers and fathers as well as sisters and mothers!"
Wouldn't a healthy church be one where men and women can work together and respect each other? I know God can get us to that level of health! He is breaking through our old mindsets and leading us into a unified, beautiful bride!
September 2, 2011 at 5:35 pm
Yes! Isn't this the essence of Christianity? We can't make ourselves better by trying not to do bad things. In fact, we can't make ourselves better! Only Christ can rid us of sin. Instead of trying to not think of porn, men, please focus on Christ, who He is, who he has made you to be!
September 3, 2011 at 2:36 am
What about the other type of men? Men who walk out. I dated a man for a year in a half and with this relationship I had my first child. This man and I had a beautiful relationship, he was my best friend at least that is what I thought.I had never lived with this man until I had the baby. I had my child and live with this man for 10 days until he kicked me and our new born out of his apartment. When our child was 4 days old he push me with our child in my arms from the third floor stairs from where his apartment was located…I got some scratchs and two brusies..I had never seen his violate ways until this day..dumb enough I was so scared that I did not even bother to put assualt charges on him, I kept telling my self that he was having a bad day. He was mad because I was going to take our son for a evening walk..6 days pass by and he push me again, but this time against the bedroom door…again I had no idea what was going on with this man that I thought I knew. This time he was mad because he did not want me talking to my sister on the phone…
September 3, 2011 at 12:17 pm
He told me a couple not so nice words, and hid my cell phone…I got scare. I waited until he went into the shower to find my cell phone he hid and told my sister what was going on and in 30 mins my sister, my brother and my aunt arrived to get me out of his apartment. When my family knock his apartment door, he opened the door and acted all nice to them like if nothing had happen. My brother told him that he came to pick me and the baby up and all my things. This man reply to my brother was "Good, you can help her and I would help but I have to go to work right now, so just call me when you guys leave." My family helped me gather all my things and went back home with my parents to live. I kept calling and calling this man to let him know how his son was doing and that if he could help me out with our child expenses, but never got an answer. At that time I had no job because I just had the baby. My family helped me with formula, diapers, clothing and etc…
September 3, 2011 at 12:18 pm
Two months pass by and out of the blue I received a phone call from him telling me "I'm sorry and that he was working very hard to provide for our son and I"..So what did i do ..I believe everthing that he told me; that he love me, that we were going to get married, that we were going to have a house, raise our son together, that we were going to be a team and work things out..So I kept a relationship with this man. I never saw him for months he would just call to tell me the same things over and over..that he had no money but just to wait for him until he got stable so he could start providing for me and our son. My son's father could not help me so I decide to get a job to provide for our son. I told this man that I got a job to help him out and his response was "Good, now you can buy our son things and when I get stable I will reimburse you back."….promise after promise same story every single time I would talk to him.
September 3, 2011 at 12:19 pm
Little did I know while he was telling me all these things behind my back he was dating another women in the same apartment complex. So at the same time that he was promising that he was going to get us(my son and I ) a house and be a family…He was preparing his wedding with this other women in his apartment complex…This went on for a year in a half that I believe everything this man said until I discovered his afair. With all this said, I filled child support and until this day I have not received any payment from this man since our son has been born and our son is already 2 years old. To top things off his wife (the afair one) and him are members of one of the top churches in the Dallas/Ft.Worth Metroplex and list them selves as good christians. I love my son and I do not regret having him, he is my joy. Everything I went through hurts but time helped me break free and I learned to forgive him for all the abuse he had cause me and all the broken promises. Now I'm just leaving everything in God's hands. I pray that this man will one day do the right thing and provide for his son.
September 3, 2011 at 12:20 pm
What about these men who do not provide? Where do they stand? Are they really Christians? Read my story from the beginning up above.
September 3, 2011 at 12:27 pm
Spot on!!! And yet a whole new way to look at it…
September 6, 2011 at 7:51 pm
"I am tired of hearing it drilled in to my gender that we will always struggle with lust, and that because we are visually stimulated we are doomed to always struggle with our eyes."
So am I.
"Isn’t it much more likely (and more biblical) that any struggle with our eyes is first and foremost a struggle with the heart?"
Don't make a false dichotomy out of this. It's a struggle with BOTH. If it were not, then women (whose hearts are no less or no more pure then mens) would have the same struggles with their eyes. Jesus addressed one's physical body being a source of temptation, don't forget.
"Isn’t it possible to recognize a woman’s beauty at all levels and not wander into places in our heart that are out of bounds?"
Of course it is.
October 28, 2011 at 5:50 pm
"This is NOT what is communicated, when we are sent the constant message that we are weak, lustful creatures, who need women to dress differently in order to protect us from our poor uncontrollable masculine responses. "
Needing and wanting are not the same thing. I don't need others to treat me well to keep my anger under control, but as an imperfect human, it sure helps when people don't tempt me to be angry by insulting me, for example.
I desire to not be tempted by my sisters in Christ – and this true even when my mind is fully pure. It wouldn't be right for men to tempt women (such temptation would probably not involve dressing in skimpy clothing obviously) by, to pick one example, leading them on by engaging in deep conversations that are too intimate for their level friendship. And one can tell this truth to men without implying that women are emotionally weak, needy creatures who need men to talk differently in order to protect them from their poor uncontrollable feminity. In the same way, women shouldn't be leading men on by displaying a level of visual intimacy that is beyond their friendship.
October 28, 2011 at 5:51 pm
"I feel certain that when Jesus approached prostitutes, He did not avert His eyes. In fact, I feel certain that He looked at them in ways that, allowed them to be known by God, in ways other than they knew themselves. Cannot we too, look at women who have found their identity in their sexuality and allow them to experience respect, even when they do not respect themselves?"
Yes we can and should and often do! But that doesn't mean that the message that women who don't have their identity in their sexuality should not act or dress as those who do is a false message, even though it is difficult to speak of well without offending. Also, remember, not all men (or women) are pure – even if all male followers of Jesus had visual lust 100% under control with 100% submission to God in this area, this still represents a minority of males. Even the unsaved still should not be given any more stumbling blocks than they already have.
October 28, 2011 at 5:51 pm
Despite knowing it was wrong, I turned to pornography in the early 90s from curiosity, fascination for women's anatomy, stimulation, anger at God, and frustration at myself for still being single. I saw myself as a failure, and still wrestle with that mindset.
I longed to be loved, accepted, and desired by a woman–and as a single still do–but the truth is that pornography can never satisfy that deep yearning. It only makes it worse.
November 1, 2011 at 9:15 am
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My parents also know my gaming goals so happy wheels unblocked I agree .
May 4, 2022 at 12:00 am