Is My Boyfriend Using Me For Sex?
Editor’s Note: We’ve been answering questions from high school girls lately, and if you have one, we’d love to hear it. Today’s question is by Caitlin. She’s a junior and attends a public high school. I’ve written a response to her question, but if you have any words of advice to add, feel free to do so in the comments! – Lauren
QUESTION: “My parents said that all boys want is sex. I told them that my boyfriend isn’t like that at all! I haven’t talked to him about it, but how do I know who is right? I don’t want to think that’s all my boyfriend wants.”
ANSWER: I’m sure that your parents have your best interests at heart, but a more accurate statement would have been, “a lot of guys in high school are more interested in sex than in relationships.” Not all boys are the same, and not all men will be the same. This will continue into the rest of your life. For the record, some girls use guys for sex too. Also, girls (as a whole) enjoy sex just as much as guys do.
What you need to find out is if your guy is dating you for sex, for you, or for both.
Having a conversation with your boyfriend about it is a great idea. But you can also tell a lot from your boyfriend’s actions, behaviors, and what he talks about around you. The easiest way to tell what your boyfriend wants from you, is to look at what he’s asking you for. This may be direct (asking you to have sex/telling you he wants to), implied, subtle hints (you know it when you see it), or just something that you’ve agreed to participate in without disagreeing (him initiating physical relationship and you responding positively).
Photo by Alyssa Joy Photography
Take a look at the way he and his close friends talk about their girlfriends, or girls they like. Are they talking about having sex all. the. freaking. time? Are his friends sleeping with girls frequently, but treating them poorly? Guys that your boyfriend respects will tell you a lot about him.
If you aren’t having sex, it’s a good chance that he’s not using you for sex. Unless you’ve been dating a short time and he starts getting aggressive or upset that you aren’t giving him what he ‘needs.’
If you are having sex, it’s not a guarantee that all he wants is sex, but it does make it more difficult to tell. Nothing against him, that’s just the math of it.
Personally, I believe one of the greatest reasons to not have sex when you’re dating is simply to make sure that the guy wants you for you, and not just sex. And then to build the sexual relationship on top of the “real” relationship. If you love this guy, I’m assuming you’re hoping you’ll be together for awhile – and if things go well, forever. Speaking from personal experience, the less time you spend on sex in the beginning means the more time you spend on true, honest friendship. It can be really, really difficult to not have sex, but if it’s a good relationship, the struggle will actually strengthen it. And that’s invaluable to your future with him.
(Translated: Did you know just about every single marriage goes through weeks or months where they don’t or can’t have sex? You wanna make sure that you and your boyfriend can make it without sex before heading towards a marriage! If not having sex for a couple weeks or months seems to result in irreconcilable differences and/or bad fights, you may have just avoided a potential divorce or extremely painful break-up years down the road.)
At the end of the day, I understand what you want to know: That he cares about you, not just your body. Holding out on sex while you’re building a friendship means that you’re choosing to give more value to the foundation of the building, and that’s ALWAYS a good thing. Sex is like a brick. It can be used to lay a foundation of love, care and trust – or it can be used to throw through a windshield. Handle it wisely, and be extremely careful whose hands you entrust the brick to.
So. If you’re sleeping together, the first thing to do is decide if you want sex to be part of the relationship right now. YOU decide this. Not your boyfriend, not your friends – - you decide. Talk to girls and women you respect. Practice making clear-minded choices about yourself. (And if you feel like you aren’t completely sure what you want, I’d recommend that you take a break until you can make a whole-hearted decision. If there’s a part of you that doesn’t want to be having sex or wishes you weren’t, when you look back on this, you’ll feel like you weren’t the one making the choice. And that really sucks.) One thing to keep in mind while deciding: Make sure that your physical and emotional intimacy is always on par with the level of commitment in the relationship. People may have differing opinions on what this ends up looking like, but if something is sitting wrong with you and you don’t think your physical relationship matches up with the level of commitment, that isn’t good.
The second thing to do is have a conversation with him about sex, based on what you decided. See how he responds. Ask him how he feels, and what he’s thinking. Pay close attention to his reactions, and if your relationship seems to change over the next few weeks. Does he agree? Disagree? Get angry? Is he understanding? Does he say that he “respects your feelings” but then asks you to continue something you just expressed you didn’t want to do? Does he make it clear that he is attentive and caring to your feelings and/or concerns?
If he is using for sex, you’ll know soon, and hopefully your heart will be strong enough to make a healthy decision for you and your future.
If he isn’t using you for sex, this is an amazing opportunity to strengthen your relationship, and be much more intentional about how you make decisions individually and together.
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great post. but i thought you were going to finish it off by explaining that sex is for two people "committed to each other life"??? and not just part of "dating process"???
May 21, 2012 at 9:09 am
I think it's important to discuss the issue of sex open and honestly if this girl is being told "men just want to take from you." That doesn't seem to present a healthy view of sex for a young girl just figuring out relationships for herself. Also, I would assume that if her parents are encouraging this view of sex, she's also being told or has already been told that sex was created for marriage. Answering her question by simply stating "sex is only for two people committed to each other for life" doesn't tell the whole story or answer her specific question about what guys desire.
May 21, 2012 at 10:38 am
I read this entire article thinking, “Please don’t wrap this up with a biblical talk on abstinence.”
When asking a question like this, the last thing a girl wants to hear is why she shouldn’t be having sex anyway. That wouldn’t answer her question.
Yes, sex is best saved for marriage. I whole-heartedly agree. But girls need to know their guys intentions. And as women, we’re entitled to our own decision-making, even if that means making a mistake.
Answering a question like this by ignoring the issue and simply stating “you shouldn’t be having sex anyway,” or “save it for the marriage bed,” is planting a seed destined to sprout resentment, rebellion, or bitterness.
I loved that the advice didn’t stray from the topic. It answered the question that she, and so many girls, need to know the answer to: how to know if your guy is wanting sex (and how to handle it). More than that, it sounds like advice coming from a friend, not a parent or counselor. I respect that, and I applaud you.
May 21, 2012 at 10:46 am
Thanks so much, Hannah. This means a lot. <3
May 21, 2012 at 11:25 am
This is such a fab article. Whether or not you believe sex outside of marriage is wrong or not, it is really important to be able to talk about it with your significant other and it is even more important to understand the whole other level sex brings to your relationship – i.e. even in the best case scenario, it makes the relationship a lot more complicated, and it can’t be undone, so you have to be SURE that it is something you want and are comfortable with and ready for. These are all things I thought Lauren really emphasised here – well done GWP!
May 21, 2012 at 2:59 pm
"I read this entire article thinking, "Please don't wrap this up with a biblical talk on abstinence.""
I think so much of the time, we hear the "don't's" (and we certainly need to hear them because the world doesn't know the meaning of the word), but even more importantly are the reasons /why/ they're there…God's commands and rules aren't arbitrary or draconian–they're meant for our good, whether or not we may recognize them at the time. As a "40+-year-old virgin" that the world looks at and laughs, it's taken me a long time to truly believe that, but I do now. I'll take the laughter and wait for something much better.
Truth is, many guys do struggle with wanting sex outside of marriage; and sadly they don't see that God has something far, far better in mind–after all, He designed intimacy. The more testimonies you read from people who take their own route and later are truly honest with themselves about the results, the easier it is to understand.
May 21, 2012 at 6:25 pm
I love this so hard. BECAUSE. Wherever you fall on the abstinence issue, you have to know that while you can avoid sex in a relationship, you can't avoid intimacy. It's an intrinsic part of a relationship, whether physical, emotional or spiritual. I think conversations like these are so important because SOMEONE has to be talking about how to embrace intimacy in a relationship while maintaining healthy boundaries, with and without sex.
May 22, 2012 at 2:31 pm
There's a reason sex outside of wedlock isn't advisable. During sexual intercourse, we release oxytocin, the same hormone we release when we breastfeed and which supposedly bonds us to our child. A woman who has sex (most women anyway) will bond to their mate in a very tight way after sexual intercourse. Not so the male.
Sex always complicates things. Whether it be bonding via oxytocin, HPV, teen pregnancy; sex touches us at our very core and always, ALWAYS leaves an imprint (unless you're a very liberal woman who isn't prone to reflection much). How many sexual partners do you want in your head before you wed? 5? 6 or 7? When you're talking to a teen, you might want to stress that in the years to come, sex outside of wedlock can (and most likely be) a source of regret. There is nothing wrong with not having sex.
I liked the article, it spoke openly, the way we should speak to teens. I am now mentoring a 19 year-old and we talk about sex in a way much like your article.
One piece of advice if I may: In today's society, sex is everywhere because it sells. The media extorts a powerful influence over the mind of impressionable teens. When you're a teen, peer pressure is of paramount importance.
Be a guiding light. Speak the truth. The truth is that sex outside of wedlock is detrimental. The truth is that God said so for a reason.: unwanted pregnancy, HPV, bonding with the boyfriend who might not feel the same way, regret, etc…
Sex is such a powerful force that it is best contained within the spiritual and practical boundaries of marriage. Marriage is a covenant made in front of witnesses, the most important witnesses. Throughout history that witness has been the State (Tribe, Empire, etc..) Not the church (as the "church" as we know it today: pulpit, sermon, congregation, building etc..) has little to do with the instructions Jesus gave in Luke 10. So not Church, but State. The event of marriage, therfore, validated by an important witness such as the State, provides the framework for the covenant to thrive. Two people thus become one "unit" and in this unit, there is safety to express your emotional state, spiritual state and sexual state. Thus sex becomes truly, an act of bonding, of sacrificial love and an empowerment of the unit.
Really, sex isn't to be had outside of marriage. The purpose of it would be lost.
Much love to you.
May 22, 2012 at 2:43 pm
My advice would be to ask God for wisdom. The Bible says that he gives GENEROUSLY to all who ask. You can't truly know anyone else's heart. We rarely truly know our own hearts! I know that when I've asked for wisdom or discernment, God has shown me things in amazing ways!
Pray for your parents while you're at it! ;)
May 22, 2012 at 4:12 pm
Great post, I've noticed that people always seem to assume that its the guy using the girl for sex. This is not always true. I know several situations of guys who really loved a girl but the girl just had a biological need and he was fulfilling that for her.
May 23, 2012 at 2:21 pm
Emotional need handled in a biological/physical manner. ;)
And yep. Girls definitely use guys for sex, or continue relationships for the physical aspect even when they don't care as much for the guy as he cares for her. Been there, done that. :(
May 24, 2012 at 8:16 pm
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