Emotions: When The First Month Of Marriage Isn’t Bliss
Editor’s Note: In my first month of marriage, I learned that marriage is full of highs and lows. All-consuming joy, and fully-felt pain. We’ve all heard that marriage is difficult, but when ‘difficult’ makes its way into the bedroom, the emotions run rampant. Alyssa Ferrero shares a little of her just-married story. She blogs at Alyssa Mae Stories. – Lauren
What’s a girl to do when the weight of her past, her upbringing, and the unforgiving disappointments of her hopeful future come crashing down the day after her wedding?
Well, cry, I suppose.
And what’s a girl to do when the God she had so recently fallen in love with, entrusted her life to, and finally begun to know, walks her through a journey that seems meant for a more mature, more experienced, more faithful, and more knowledgeable woman?
Cry a little more, I think.
I had been dreaming of my wedding day and being a wife since I can remember. It probably stems from the ‘chick-flicks’ and Disney fairytales I’d been watching from day one. Or, perhaps it was the desire to have a home and babies and a ‘grown-up life’. Whatever the reason, when I met him – my husband – I knew for sure he was the ticket to those fantasies. I saw us having a truly wonderful life, fulfilling big dreams, having lots of babies, great careers, and a cozy home.
The day of our wedding, harsh realities hit. Many things reared their ugly heads that day and that night, things that cannot be publicly displayed, for respect of people’s privacy and privacy for marriage. But let me just say that my husband and I still have not had intimacy in our marriage. Oh, and we’re seeing a marriage counselor. That started two months into our marriage.
While my girlfriends and their friends and complete strangers talk about their newlywed life in terms of “utter bliss”, “the best time of their lives”, and “making out in the parking lot”, I am here, crying and hurting, and so obviously jealous and angry. Two very unattractive emotions.
What’s a girl to do when her entire being, down to her inner-most depths, aches? When her heart feels more broken than ever? Or when she feels like her hopes and dreams have vanished? What’s a girl to do when her emotions are overtaking her, and her God feels so far away?
I have learned that ultimately, it’s not about what we want out of life, but what He wants for us. It’s not about what makes us feel good, because He makes us feel better. It’s not about the easy road, because His road is paved with grace, mercy, and a whole lotta love.
While it may not feel good right now, what He is doing in us is good. A kind of good we can trust.
We were made with a passion and a heart to heal the world. We yearn for great love and peace and unity. Our emotions speak of what our hearts are made of. And our hearts are made from God. Our hearts are a direct reflection of His character.
So, then what? It’s easy to say those things. It’s easy to try and write them on a sticky or put them in a journal to remind yourself. To try to trust God more. But what about living it? What about the crap that no one told you about?
No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it. 1 Corinthians 10:13
Common to mankind. Temptation, hurt, suffering, tears, heartache; they’re all common to all of us. Emotions are common to us. And God knows that.
I believe that God can see and feel every emotion I encounter today. He’s holding these tears because he knows my sorrows and my hurts. And the guilt of feeling these emotions does not come from a God who loves me so. He does not condemn me for wanting to jump on the next train to St. Louis. He does not turn away from me because I spend many minutes a day wondering how and if I will survive this.
Instead, He asks me to fully trust Him. He waits for me to leave those fears in the garbage where they belong, and watch Him fight this battle for me. (Exodus 14:14) He waits for me to rest in His arms.
I grew up on emotions; what feels good, what makes you happy, and so on. I lived my live trying to find true happiness, and letting my emotional heart lead the way. And just when I thought I’d found those things, they slipped away, didn’t they? I took so many wrong turns and chose quite a few ‘false happiness’ things before I started running the other way, to Him. And now, He wants me running, harder and faster.
I want to surrender in all the wrong ways. I want out of this mess. I want a different life. But my Father does not disown me, put me in a corner, or abandon me because I feel these things.
He guides me, with a soft hand, right back to His arms, where he comforts me. Where he soothes my emotions with truth and love. He does this because, well, He created me this way.
He adores the passion and desire I have for good things. He just wants to give me something passionate and desirable of His own creation.
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