They Do Exist.

Emotions: When The First Month Of Marriage Isn’t Bliss

Editor’s Note: In my first month of marriage, I learned that marriage is full of highs and lows. All-consuming joy, and fully-felt pain. We’ve all heard that marriage is difficult, but when ‘difficult’ makes its way into the bedroom, the emotions run rampant. Alyssa Ferrero shares a little of her just-married story. She blogs at Alyssa Mae Stories. – Lauren

What’s a girl to do when the weight of her past, her upbringing, and the unforgiving disappointments of her hopeful future come crashing down the day after her wedding?

Well, cry, I suppose.

And what’s a girl to do when the God she had so recently fallen in love with, entrusted her life to, and finally begun to know, walks her through a journey that seems meant for a more mature, more experienced, more faithful, and more knowledgeable woman?

Cry a little more, I think.

I had been dreaming of my wedding day and being a wife since I can remember. It probably stems from the ‘chick-flicks’ and Disney fairytales I’d been watching from day one. Or, perhaps it was the desire to have a home and babies and a ‘grown-up life’. Whatever the reason, when I met him – my husband – I knew for sure he was the ticket to those fantasies. I saw us having a truly wonderful life, fulfilling big dreams, having lots of babies, great careers, and a cozy home.

The day of our wedding, harsh realities hit. Many things reared their ugly heads that day and that night, things that cannot be publicly displayed, for respect of people’s privacy and privacy for marriage. But let me just say that my husband and I still have not had intimacy in our marriage. Oh, and we’re seeing a marriage counselor. That started two months into our marriage.

While my girlfriends and their friends and complete strangers talk about their newlywed life in terms of “utter bliss”, “the best time of their lives”, and “making out in the parking lot”, I am here, crying and hurting, and so obviously jealous and angry. Two very unattractive emotions.

What’s a girl to do when her entire being, down to her inner-most depths, aches? When her heart feels more broken than ever? Or when she feels like her hopes and dreams have vanished? What’s a girl to do when her emotions are overtaking her, and her God feels so far away?

I have learned that ultimately, it’s not about what we want out of life, but what He wants for us. It’s not about what makes us feel good, because He makes us feel better. It’s not about the easy road, because His road is paved with grace, mercy, and a whole lotta love.

While it may not feel good right now, what He is doing in us is good. A kind of good we can trust.

We were made with a passion and a heart to heal the world. We yearn for great love and peace and unity. Our emotions speak of what our hearts are made of. And our hearts are made from God. Our hearts are a direct reflection of His character.

So, then what? It’s easy to say those things. It’s easy to try and write them on a sticky or put them in a journal to remind yourself. To try to trust God more. But what about living it? What about the crap that no one told you about?

No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it. 1 Corinthians 10:13

Common to mankind. Temptation, hurt, suffering, tears, heartache; they’re all common to all of us. Emotions are common to us. And God knows that.

I believe that God can see and feel every emotion I encounter today. He’s holding these tears because he knows my sorrows and my hurts. And the guilt of feeling these emotions does not come from a God who loves me so. He does not condemn me for wanting to jump on the next train to St. Louis. He does not turn away from me because I spend many minutes a day wondering how and if I will survive this.

Instead, He asks me to fully trust Him. He waits for me to leave those fears in the garbage where they belong, and watch Him fight this battle for me. (Exodus 14:14) He waits for me to rest in His arms.

I grew up on emotions; what feels good, what makes you happy, and so on. I lived my live trying to find true happiness, and letting my emotional heart lead the way. And just when I thought I’d found those things, they slipped away, didn’t they? I took so many wrong turns and chose quite a few ‘false happiness’ things before I started running the other way, to Him. And now, He wants me running, harder and faster.

I want to surrender in all the wrong ways. I want out of this mess. I want a different life. But my Father does not disown me, put me in a corner, or abandon me because I feel these things.

He guides me, with a soft hand, right back to His arms, where he comforts me. Where he soothes my emotions with truth and love. He does this because, well, He created me this way.

He adores the passion and desire I have for good things. He just wants to give me something passionate and desirable of His own creation.


Want to join us & pass this along to other women in your life?
Follow Good Women Project on Twitter: @goodwomenproj
Be a fan on Facebook: facebook.com/goodwomenproject

Subscribe to our email newsletter for insider updates here or subscribe to the blog here. Or both.
Everyone on our team is volunteer, and we are funded 100% by you. If you'd like to donate, you can here.
We're also doing fun stuff on Tumblr, Instagram, and Pinterest!


31 Responses

  1. Wow. Beautifully said and beautifully written. Thank you for sharing this. Many blessings to you!

    January 9, 2012 at 10:04 am

  2. Pingback: JENNY PENNY

  3. Jenny

    hang in there, sister. it will get better and this is making you stronger for sure. and you're not alone, i can assure you that myself and many others have had the same feelings of heartbreak and all-consuming weariness.

    james 5:11 – as you know, we count as blessed those who have persevered. you have heard of Job’s perseverance and have seen what the Lord finally brought about. the Lord is full of compassion and mercy.

    January 9, 2012 at 11:27 am

  4. Melissa

    Alyssa, I am so sorry to hear about this painful journey. I too, have experienced a confusing, painful start to my marriage due to hurts from sexual past. We have now been married for 7 months, and I can say that it gets better slowly. The tearful conversations start to make headway eventually. I'll be praying for you.

    January 9, 2012 at 12:15 pm

    • commenter

      Please, like the majority of you Christ-worshippers know what remorse or sorrow even are when many of you not only have pre-marital sex, but sleep around recklessly, sometimes starting as young as 13 or younger. On par with the general population.

      But that isn’t true, I’ve come to find you’re often worse than those with atheistic, agnostic or any other religious (or irreligious) beliefs that I know of when it comes to pre-marital sex.

      That said, I truly don’t think eternity in Hell for those of you who engage in such behaviour (along with the rest of the US population) is long enough given the damage you’ve done (and the damage this has done) to this country and to the church you claim to represent.

      On a related note, I also don’t know why pre-marital sex is a forgivable sin. The Good Lord must have realised how royally He messed up with His creation(s) that He just had to let that one go, otherwise nearly the entire world would be in Hell for that reason alone.

      Bloody shame I say.

      January 11, 2012 at 12:45 pm

      • commenter

        Hah, I laugh at the two prostitutes that thumbed down my first comment.

        The truth hurts, doesn’t it?

        January 12, 2012 at 4:09 am

      • Anonymous

        This is to Commenter:

        My post is going to be a little long, but some things I wanted to share. I'm going to break it up in a few pieces due to the length of it. Hope you'll stick with me.

        Grace is for people who need it. What human doesn't need grace? What person always does what is right all the time? You must admit that you don't even live up to all the standards you have for yourself because you cant -you're not perfect. … How are you going to expect others to be able to do that in their human condition? That isn't fair. The whole point of forgiveness is that humans need it. -All of us whether Christian, agnostics or atheists (with morals) have chosen to do the wrong thing instead of the right thing at times and have kicked ourselves for betraying the standards we try to live by. God didn't mess up; we mess up when we choose to do the wrong thing with the free-will He has given us. We mess up when we choose hate instead of love, our interests at the expense of others, etc. Evil exists in this world not because of God, it's the result of doing the opposite of what He has called us to do to live a life of love. But He doesn't put a gun to our head and make us choose Him or choose what is right, love that is legit has the freedom to choose to love. God could have made us all robots and programmed us to always do what is right, but if you are programmed to do something you have no choice in the matter and it is not you doing it; you're a puppet with no real intention or choice. …

        September 3, 2012 at 2:12 pm

        • Anonymous

          ..(Continuing response)…

          It's interesting how the Bible describes God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit as being one in relationship with one another. As much as I'm sure God would love humans to always do the righteous thing, I think He is interested in people doing that stuff from a real place. I don't think God expects perfection from us, something we can't give – but He does expect good effort. If you have any relationship with someone you really love, be it your kids, significant other, mother, do you expect them to be perfect all the time, never making mistakes? No, but because you value the relationship and your love for them you keep them, even though mistakes have been made. I don't think God expects perfection this side of Heaven -I think perfection/Heaven is more of a reward for people who choose to continue to pursue a relationship with Him and try to live right by Him even though doing the wrong thing can seem easier at times. I think He wants good whole hearted effort as much as possible, just like the dynamics of any normal relationship – that's fair. I think faithfulness to God is not about not ever messing up, but being grieved when you do, trying to reconcile and go forward doing the right thing. It's about being real. The Bible talks about the Holy Spirit who convicts the world of sin. All people debate on whether or not they should do the right thing sometimes, especially if the temptation to do the wrong thing is right there, looks attractive, like an easier road, or a quicker fix to a problem. Some situations are easier than others, some are more difficult. I'm sure you have had a time in your life when you knew you should do the right thing, but mentally went back and forth on whether or not you should take another option that would have been wrong but would have made your life easier or better. It has happened to us all. …

          September 3, 2012 at 2:14 pm

          • Anonymous

            ..(Continuing response)… (last part)…

            None of us live our lives behind a black curtain where our human struggling is hidden. It takes place in plain view of those around us. We see each other delay to do what's right, make mistakes, or make the right choice, and the thing is, if you fast forward to another part in time most likely you will see people making choices that may not represent their earlier choices in that particular instance. The Bible says that the grace of God is meant to teach us to say no to ungodliness. It does and it SHOULD be allowed to do that by anyone who chooses to follow Christ. At the same time, sometimes learning what it means to say no to what's ungodly can be a process with two steps forward two steps back in trying to figure out how that applies for different situations that appear in our lives. The struggle is what people often see and judge, without knowing the person’s heart (if they severely regret what they did and have no intention of doing it again, if they don’t care, or for any other reason). Most often, the struggle is not the end of the story but just a part in a progression of it. I look back and think about decisions I made years ago that if today I were presented the same choice I would choose my response differently. I'm sure you have situations where you can say you feel the same way. I think God's response of grace and patience toward humanity is right on. It is needed. I'm not sure where you sit in terms of belief or lack of belief, your post really didn't say exactly. You seem genuinely upset though about some things, and I hope you are able to talk it over with someone. I'm not sure how open you are to this, but sitting down with a minister and talking about this could be a great deal of help. It's worth a try. Here is a link to find one local: http://churchzip.com/ You could start out corresponding by email. I hope that your anger settles eventually and you are able to find peace. God grieves when people do what's wrong, and by your response you obviously do too. That’s noble and right; some people don't even care. God also grieves though to see you frustrated, hurt and angry. So I hope you are able to talk to someone about this. God bless you on your journey of life.

            ____
            Acts 22:16 "Now why do you delay? Get up and be baptized, and wash away your sins, calling on His name.’"

            September 3, 2012 at 2:15 pm

  5. I also had much trauma in the first few months of my marriage, really it was a combination of me having been in a very abusive relationship previously and my husband's 13 years of single-ness in the Church. Having been now married over fours years I can tell you that it got much, much better for us! We ended up attending sex therapy, but it was the thing that God used to get us through some of our stuff.

    Hold on and trust God, He can do all things, even when, in the midst of the trauma we feel we will never be okay.

    Blessings to you!

    January 9, 2012 at 12:35 pm

  6. It feels nice to know I am not alone.

    January 9, 2012 at 1:35 pm

    • Oh, Mandee. You're really NOT alone. This site alone provides so much comfort and love and help. Please, please use my email (aly717@hotmail.com) if you need help. I too felt more alone than ever the past few months, I'd love to be here for you now.

      And know that God is and always will be right beside, sitting in that place WITH you. My blog has a few posts about God sitting with me, consoling me and loving me.

      Love you, A

      January 9, 2012 at 2:18 pm

      • Woman in blue

        I too feel like it's nice to know that I am not alone. I googled "the first few months of marriage" to see if there was anyone out there who was feeling what I have been feeling. I got married in July (it is now mid September) and we have been doing nothing but fighting. The disallusionment of what I thought he was compared to what he really is. He lies to me about insignificant things that I catch him in and then tries to spin the lies around. He over indulges and makes poor decisions on a continuous basis. These factors I did not see prior to our marriage. I too want out, but I know I took vows "for better or for worse".

        September 11, 2013 at 12:18 pm

  7. Oh dear… I understand. We had intimacy in the beginning but our marriage came crashing down after the ceremony.

    I understand. The first year and half of our life together was the hardest thing I have ever been through. We didn’t see a counselor until then, and it did help.

    We still struggle. I know it’s so hard to know that it will get better, but in some way that God already knows… it will get better. It will be a part of your story.

    Please know you aren’t alone. I have been there… If you ever ever want to talk, vent, someone just to listen… I am there. I get it, and I didn’t have anyone to talk to at that time. My husband is in ministry, and it was a secret that we hid well until we got home and closed the door.

    You are so brave for putting your story out there. God is already using your story for his glory.

    January 9, 2012 at 2:03 pm

    • Dorian,
      My husband is in the ministry as well; isn't that amazing how God uses these things. He also is uncomfortable letting his family and mentors know. I'm so glad you made it through something like this, it's so tough.

      Thank you for your words and comfort and love and safety.

      <3 –A

      January 9, 2012 at 2:16 pm

  8. Ladies. You are such a gift. Thank you for your love and prayers and encouragement. I'm happy to say we ARE getting better, things are looking up and I have found hope. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

    January 9, 2012 at 2:14 pm

  9. Thanks so much for your honesty about the early stage of marriage, Alyssa! And glad to hear that things are getting better :)

    January 9, 2012 at 6:42 pm

  10. Ruthie D.

    Alyssa,

    Thanks for sharing your painful journey! I hate what the media and culture tells us about sex. It's ALWAYS EASY & ALWAYS FEELS GOOD. Such lies. Praying for you and your hubby to find peace. It's a long journey, but God is for you! He is a good Dad!

    January 10, 2012 at 10:06 am

  11. I, too, had lots of tears in the early months of marriage…for some similar reasons and also some different ones. I really want to fight whatever it is in us as women that makes us think marriage will not be difficult. It is ever-painfully so. The amazing thing is how God uses it to draw us near to Him and to give us an understanding that we were made for more than mere happiness. We've now been married two years and He has used those difficulties to grow us tremendously. It's still not easy, but it is good.

    January 10, 2012 at 2:10 pm

    • Heather

      Well I see this is a month old, but I figured I'd reply anyway. I don't think women inherently think marriage will be easy. I think we're told from a very early age that marriage will be easy. The idea is drilled into our brains that all you have to do is find the right man and bam! it'll be like cutting butter with a hot knife. What's worse, when it's not like that we're told that it's probably our fault (with the exception of abuse). But if it's just not quite as blissful we were lead to believe, then there must be something we can do to fix it.

      I think we need to re-think the way we present marriage to children. I'm not saying you and your partner should have blowout fights in front of your toddler, or something. But I am saying that we should make sure children know that Cinderella and Prince Charming are fiction. I also think part of that is being aware what sort of message about marriage different tv shows and movies are sending kids.

      February 9, 2012 at 9:55 pm

  12. Stephanie Spencer

    I'm sorry that it has been difficult for you. Thank you for having the courage to share your story. The church is in desperate need of people who take off their shiny happy Christian faces and talk about life as it is. Who talk about how God does not bring happiness, but joy and grace- truths that run much deeper, but also, often, take a more difficult road. In my first years of marriage, I realized that I had placed too high an expectation on my husband and my marriage, and needed instead to seek that level of intimacy with God. It was a wonderful, deep, and painful lesson. I pray that this journey brings you an intimacy with Him deeper than you have ever known.

    January 11, 2012 at 12:48 pm

  13. Alora

    I've read your story over & over trying to understand it. To find an explanation to why its that way. I'll be praying for you that you have break through. Sometimes leaving the past for a better future is a lot more action then sitting & talking through it. Counseling is great, however at some point the past cannot continue to cause havoc into your future. Sexual intimacy is a gift from God for your marriage, nothing of the past should be given authority to steal that gift! I have been through some dark & horrible things regarding sexuality. Now I'm a month & a half away from marriage. I know my dark past will not creep into my marriage bed. I will not give it that power in my marriage because when Jesus shed his blood on the cross it covered all sin. My sin, the sin of the men who caused me harm & my future husbands sin. Living out the reality & power of the cross in my my marriage is letting go of my past broken sexuality. There is no shame or pain that hasn't been bought by the blood.

    January 30, 2012 at 12:27 pm

  14. Sara

    Wow. I thought I was also so alone with no one to relate to. My husband has a past riddled with addiction to pornography. Over half his life was spent immersed in viewing women’s body parts in order to achieve orgasm during masturbation-(orgasm releases potent chemicals in our brain and studies have shown this chemical release is more addictive than heroin)-not true intimacy– before Jesus delivered him, at least the outward actions of his addiction. That was only a year before we met. We have been married six months and it has been painful and hard since our wedding night when I was not the porn star he was used to viewing. We had never even kissed until our wedding day bc of my boundaries with men due to my past before Christ and the commitment I made to Him that I would present what was only for my husband to him once we were married. He was a virgin. We both love Jesus but are realizing that sin is so deceptive. My husband cut off the outward act of his inward lust but he never dealt with the heart issues and wrong views of women that kept him hooked to lusting after women. And it has manifested itself in our intimacy inhibiting is from really experiencing the deep joy that comes from doing things God’s way because his mind is constantly thinking of other women and their body parts. There is not a day without this struggle but as I commit to pray for him and seek Jesus to be all the intimacy I need– the knowing me (into-me-see). We both compare me to other women and I have fallen so short in my husbands eyes. But there is hope because I know my husband doesn’t want to do this but his mind has been so distorted from being with thousands of women virtually. I am praying for you. Pray for your husband and read 1 Corinthians 7. God knows the heart issue of your hubby’s struggle and only He can change your man. As much as I want my words and pain to stir my husband to change, his real issue is his relationship with Jesus and all I can do is pray his heart is completely broken over the areas he sins against God… Because It breaks God’s heart. And I see more and more each day how my marriage is less about my relationship with my husband as it is about my relationship with Jesus Christ. Do I trust Him? Do I really believe He loves me or do I feel He tricked me into this marriage? Do I believe He will work all things together for good bc I love Him (Romans 8:28)?

    September 28, 2012 at 10:17 am

  15. Lana

    Okay, so I been married for a month. And let me tell you, things are completely different from when we were dating. I am having a really hard time accepting that change. We didnt live together before we got married because of our religion but i really wish we had. Im praying that this is just the start and things will get better. I just never thought it would be this hard. But its nice to know that i am not alone and that people do get thru it!

    November 11, 2012 at 12:26 am

  16. Name Withheld

    I hope this doesn't come across wrong, but try to bear with me… when I hear things like this, I wonder what could have been done in the beginning to prevent it, and what ways can we in turn help others avoid these kinds of situations (assuming that our issues are worked through and that we are in a place of health and not bitterness)? Marriage and blending together two very different people into one cohesive life is going to take work no matter how much preparation is involved, but in terms of the kinds of things being referenced here… and the kinds of things I've heard from a recently newlywed friend, especially, whose entire dating relationship was of huge concern to my husband & me as we watched something very unhealthy turn into an even unhealthier-sounding first few months of marriage – there is a part of me that says maybe you kind of deserve this. (It sounds awful, right?) But seriously. It's absolutely good to cling to Scripture during this time and to look to God for peace and healing when your heart is broken and lonely and confused, but healing and reconciliation should also come from a place that acknowledges a bad foundation. Once you're married, that's a promise you made before God (to God!) and each other that needs to be kept – I'm NOT saying to look back and say "We were too young, so let's give up." But for the love, acknowledge what was out of whack beforehand. Even if it means coming to a place that says "Maybe I jumped the gun. Maybe I married the 'wrong' person."

    December 18, 2012 at 6:52 pm

  17. Guest

    Why in the world would you ever say someone deserves this?!

    February 14, 2013 at 5:32 pm

    • Name Withheld

      If you go back to my original comment, you'll see I said much more than "you deserve this". (And I didn't even word it that strongly!) If you've ever seen a couple headed into marriage with what seems to be a lack of maturity or a solid foundation relationally, but instead it seems to be built on the girl's desire to have the perfect wedding or because of pressure from Christian culture, then you've seen the type of people to whom my comment is addressed. I've been married for nearly 5 years and I'm the first to acknowledge that marriage is incredibly hard work, and of course there's going to be some friction along the way with two different people coming together under one roof to make a life together. But when the friction and issues are what is described above… that is where my concern comes in and I wonder if there's ever an awareness of WHY things are so hard. It's not because God did this to you. Know what I mean?

      February 21, 2013 at 8:19 pm

  18. taaza

    The SEO is the process of improvement by the owner of the site user traffic on their sites. In recent years,most of the websites, outsource SEO services to increase your ranking in search engines. To increase the rankings of Web site appears on the first search engine results
    SEO Reseller

    March 16, 2013 at 12:26 pm

  19. SOUVA

    I can relate to you… It seems that all my dreams vanished on the wedding day and now it is 4 months through the marriage ans it feels the same.. too much hardwork…. and pain… I feel in my heart it is going to get better with time

    March 26, 2013 at 11:17 pm

  20. Guest

    When we entered as virgins into our marriage we had high expectation for the honeymoon. When my husband was able to be aroused but never reach orgasm we were both panicked. And of course panicking made things worse. As did the Christian sex guide our pastor had given us which dealt only in stereotypes about men and women. We've been married almost three years and things have gotten better, but it was an awful start that we weren't prepared for. We look back on our honeymoon and say "Yuck." Sometimes I wondered why I saved myself for marriage if sex was going to be so difficult. I am sorry you have gone through this and thank you for speaking out.

    February 11, 2014 at 12:55 am

  21. Educated person always shows his responsibilities and duties to full fill their promises. He knows vary well and responsible for his works. Education always gives us the training to be honest with own work.

    October 7, 2014 at 10:56 pm

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>