Boundaries: Finding Out Your Boyfriend Is Addicted To Porn
Editor’s Note: I remember several years ago, I believed that all men watched pornography, that it affected nothing, and that because it was normal, I had no right to ask a boyfriend to “give it up for me.” As a result, I buried all my emotions deep down, and charged forward in my relationships with a thick, invisible hurt and distrust that affected so much. And, some of the men I dated dealt with emotional and physical consequences that I had no idea were caused directly by addiction to porn. Later, I learned that pornography has scientifically proven many emotional, spiritual and physical consequences. More recently, I’ve discovered that some good men are truly committed to ridding it from their lives. It is a beautiful thing seeing men and women being brutally honest as they strive to love each other and remain faithful to one another. Today, Amanda Lenhardt shares her story on finding out her boyfriend was addicted to porn. She blogs at Separated By Beauty. – Lauren
It’s those first few moments, days, and months that just seem impossible. There are few words that really describe how you feel after you find out your loved one is addicted to porn. If I could describe this feeling in anyway it would an overwhelming amount of confusion that bombards your life.
I really wasn’t sure where to turn with any of it. All I knew was that I was hurt and breaking.
Growing through this, fighting through this, and coming out on the other side stronger has shown me the importance in setting boundaries. It didn’t mean ending things. It meant healing me. It meant coming to terms with not being able to fix Dustin and our relationship, not matter how much I wanted to. It meant leaning more on Christ and less on the brokenness that each one of us shared. It meant learning to be healthy myself, no matter the future outcome.
Our story doesn’t start with boundaries, but it ends with them. I knew after finding out that I should “make boundaries.” But I had hesitation towards this idea of creating any type of “walls” around my heart. In my mind, I wasn’t sure what boundaries were going to look like, where they would take us, or what room I had to make for them.
Photo by Laura Pett / / Design by Lauren Dubinsky
But then, I came to a point in our relationship where I hit rock bottom. I realized we had a much larger problem at hand and that something needed to happen, actively. Not only for our relationship to be restored, but for our hearts.
I by no means have all the answers. I just have my story. The boundaries you create with your loved one may be different then the ones I created with Dustin. But if I help you just by sharing the things I have done then I have been blessed with a wonderful opportunity.
One of the first boundaries I created with Dustin was limiting our time together. Porn creates a relationship full of distrust. After I found out, it was hard for me to get over something I had to re-face every time we would see each other. I made it clear, for those first few months after it happened, that our time together would only be spent at church or in a group. I needed to have a grasp on forgiveness that I knew was clear and solid. This wouldn’t happen if we spent a lot of time together, absorbed in one another. So for two months, we saw each other on Wednesdays and Sundays, rarely texted, and remained off the phone. I didn’t do this to teach him a lesson, but to care for my heart. When you find out your boyfriend is addicted to pornography, it does damage to your heart. Setting boundaries isn’t simply “saying no” to your boyfriend. It’s creating a way to prioritize the healing of your heart. For me, I knew it would not be healthy to stay so closely tied in the relationship.
Secondly, I had to make sure he knew I supported him without creating a rule guide to his life. When I first found out, I thought I would be able to fix him by handing him a list of things I wanted him to change. I soon learned that this harmed both of us. It created an environment of shame for him and was unrealistic on my part. I had to step back and see ourselves as two individuals, and to stop taking responsibility for his addiction. I made it clear to him that I loved him and was here to pray for him instead of handing him a list of things I wanted him to do. He knew that porn would have to be gone for our relationship to succeed. It encouraged him more knowing that I was there praying from him instead of nagging him.
Lastly I had to be intentional with other women in my life. This is not something you can walk out alone. It was a walk of consistently going to Christ, and talking with other women. Very few knew how to respond, but it’s a matter of bringing the darkness to the light. Christ does not want you to walk through this alone. Find women you can trust and that you know will be here for you to support you. Also, it’s never healthy to consume your life with one relationship. Dustin and I make it a point to make time to hang out with others.
Ladies, if I can do anything, I want to encourage you to set boundaries in your relationship during this time. You have every right to go to your man and set a standard. You do not have the role of changing him, but of determining what you desire in a relationship with a man. You cannot change his heart, but you are responsible for caring for your own. Guarding every ounce of it knowing that with Christ you can have peace that can seem so absent during this time.
You are not just setting boundaries to fix what porn breaks in your relationship. You’re setting boundaries to make your heart stronger, and to truly recognize that you will be all right whether things get better or worse. Something boundaries gave me was a peace. I was not swimming with all the burdens I had picked up for Dustin, but I was relying on a peace that Christ had supplied.
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Thanks so much for sharing your story! There’s always this idea that we as the significant other can be the one to ‘save’ him, but it’s hard to admit that we can’t. I also admire your honesty in showing what you did wrong.
April 24, 2012 at 11:08 am
Pardon me if I come across as disrespectful, but I’ve been hearing how there’s all this “scientifically proven” data about the consequences of porn. I see that said quite a bit, but would you mind sharing your sources of scientific evidence? Don’t get me wrong, I believe porn is harmful, so please don’t preach to me about how awful it is. I just want to know what sources you’re invoking to claim scientific proof that porn is harmful.
April 24, 2012 at 11:16 am
I needed to hear this. thank you. you put words to feelings I didn't understand. I dated a guy who was addicted to porn and I didn't think it was a big deal. it turned out to ruin our relationship and my self esteem. I thought I had forgiven him but in reading this I realize that I have a long way to go, with God's help.
April 24, 2012 at 6:09 pm
I absolutely think that the girl should hold high standards for her man, and say "You are better than this." And I understand how his porn addiction can hurt you and hurt your self-esteem and create/fuel many other problems.
However, I think that for Christians girls – from my experience – the problem is not that that they don't hold the men to a high standard. The problem that I find more prevalent is that they hold them to too *high* a standard – and don't provide enough grace to walk with him in his own brokenness.
I'm normally terrified of admitting to a girl my struggles. I recently have been getting to know a girl, and very early on, the issue came up, and I felt comfortable telling her. She was *incredibly* gracious. She didn't condone it, but she understood that I am broken and sinful, just like her. Thanks for your comments. I appreciate any attempt to educate Christian women about the struggles men have with pornography. But as a man, I have to largely disagree with you.
It's incredibly freeing to be treated with grace when I sin, the same way that Christ treats me with grace. I could feel comfortable coming to this girl when I screw up and admitting my mistake. Conversely, I am in an accountability group, and some of the men are horrified to tell their wives and girlfriends when they screw up, because the women will respond with anger, frustration, hurt, withdrawal, etc. When the women do respond so, it can drive the men further into their sin. And that shows the root of the problem for a lot of men who struggle with pornography. It has nothing to do with the inadequacy of the girl he's with. It has all to do with the man's own insecurity. Often times he's driven to porn when he feels lonely, inadequate, frustrated, angry, incompetent. Honestly, if the girl I was dating reacted to my struggles by withdrawing and saying that we could only see each other at church or in a group, that would probably drive me further into pornography. I would feel like I'm a sex-crazed weirdo, I'm inadequate and unable to control myself, and my insecurity would drive me further to porn, where I can medicate that insecurity and feel good. And trust me, I don't just speak for myself here.
Rather, I would want my girlfriend to stick right beside me, encouraging me, holding me up, and saying "you are better than this, because you've been redeemed." Put yourself in his shoes. What if you were struggling with a sin, particularly one that was intertwined with feelings of insecurity and inadequacy: let's say anorexia. Would you want your man to say, "Ok, we've gotta set some boundaries. I can't see you unless we're in a group." I highly doubt that's what you'd want. I imagine you'd want him to be gracious towards you, and encourage you and support you in your battle. All us broken Christian men want is the same.
April 24, 2012 at 11:40 pm
how did pornography affected your relationship? what did it do? did it do something to the you or the guy that made the relationship bad? if ok, please share.
April 25, 2012 at 10:48 am
Hmm…I wrote a response last night and it hasn’t showed up. Not sure if it didn’t go through for technical reasons, or it’s being held up by the adminstrator’s approval. This is a test to see if this comment goes through…
April 25, 2012 at 10:53 am
Thanks for your comments. I appreciate any attempt to educate Christian women about the struggles men have with pornography. But as a man, I have to largely disagree with you. I absolutely think that the girl should hold high standards for her man, and say “You are better than this.” And I understand how his porn addiction can hurt you and hurt your self-esteem and create/fuel many other problems.
However, I think that for Christians girls – from my experience – the problem is not that that they don’t hold the men to a high standard. The problem that I find more prevalent is that they hold them to too *high* a standard – and don’t provide enough grace to walk with him in his own brokenness.
I’m normally terrified of admitting to a girl my struggles. I recently have been getting to know a girl, and very early on, the issue came up, and I felt comfortable telling her. She was *incredibly* gracious. She didn’t condone it, but she understood that I am broken and sinful, just like her.
It’s incredibly freeing to be treated with grace when I sin, the same way that Christ treats me with grace. I could feel comfortable coming to this girl when I screw up and admitting my mistake. Conversely, I am in an accountability group, and some of the men are horrified to tell their wives and girlfriends when they screw up, because the women will respond with anger, frustration, hurt, withdrawal, etc. They have ended up lying to their wives and telling them they don’t struggle anymore because they are afraid of how she will react. When the women do respond negatively, it can drive the men further into their sin.
And that shows the root of the problem for a lot of men who struggle with pornography. It has nothing to do with the inadequacy of the girl he’s with. It has all to do with the man’s own insecurity. Often times he’s driven to porn when he feels lonely, inadequate, frustrated, angry, incompetent. Honestly, if the girl I was dating reacted to my struggles by withdrawing and saying that we could only see each other at church or in a group, that would probably drive me further into pornography. I would feel like I’m a sex-crazed weirdo, I’m inadequate and unable to control myself, and my insecurity would drive me further to porn, where I can medicate that insecurity and feel good, and apparently this is who I am anyway: a porn addict. And trust me, I don’t just speak for myself here.
Rather, I would want my girlfriend to stick right beside me, encouraging me, holding me up, and saying “you are better than this, because you’ve been redeemed.” Put yourself in his shoes. What if you were struggling with a sin, particularly one that was intertwined with feelings of insecurity and inadequacy: let’s say anorexia. Would you want your man to say, “Ok, we’ve gotta set some boundaries. I can’t see you unless we’re in a group.” I highly doubt that’s what you’d want. I imagine you’d want him to be gracious towards you, and encourage you and support you in your battle. All us broken Christian men want is the same. I’m not saying it’s the woman’s job to cure him. It can’t be. But she should be encouraging him, not abandoning him and punishing him because of his brokenness.
April 25, 2012 at 11:30 pm
"And that shows the root of the problem for a lot of men who struggle with pornography. It has nothing to do with the inadequacy of the girl he's with. It has all to do with the man's own insecurity. Often times he's driven to porn when he feels lonely, inadequate, frustrated, angry, incompetent. Honestly, if the girl I was dating reacted to my struggles by withdrawing and saying that we could only see each other at church or in a group, that would probably drive me further into pornography. I would feel like I'm a sex-crazed weirdo, I'm inadequate and unable to control myself, and my insecurity would drive me further to porn, where I can medicate that insecurity and feel good, and apparently this is who I am anyway: a porn addict. And trust me, I don't just speak for myself here."
This was true for me as well, until God rescued me from pornography by helping me finally see it for the lie that it was. Unlike God's design for sexual intimacy, there is no beauty or genuine benefit in porn. There's no committment, respect, or selfless love; just lust.
April 26, 2012 at 3:09 pm
Greg, I totally agree with you. I probably should have iterated more strongly that I believe porn is a lie. Many of us men treat it as a medication for other issues, but it’s a false, empty, and misleading medication. But we seek after it because it temporarily allows us to escape our other issues. I am glad to hear that God has rescued you from pornography’s chains!
April 26, 2012 at 3:17 pm
Honestly I can't even imagine telling my boyfriend that we can't spend time together other than when we are in group settings just because he struggles with porn.. I love him so much and I want to be that person who stands next to him and tells him that he doesn't need it and he is better than porn.. Maybe that's just because I struggle with it too but it didn't even hurt me that badly when I found out that he's addicted to porn. I think as a serious girlfriend if you can't handle the situation and insist on taking a break while he deals with it, you might want to reconsider the relationship because it's something that is always going to be there. With an addiction (of any kind) every day is a battle and when you "get over it" really all that's happening is that you're having more days of victory than failure. But that's just my two cents.
May 3, 2012 at 1:39 pm
Thank you so much for your story! I understand that responses to this kind of situation look very different depending on the person, but I definitely think that grace is absolutely key.
My boyfriend & I were already close friends before we started dating & when he told me 6 months into our dating relationship I was shocked, hurt & had no idea how to respond. I made it clear to him that I knew restoration would be a process, but that ultimately our relationship would not be able to succeed if pornography stayed in the picture. But, then I realized that I had to turn inward, as well, and focus on my own sinfulness in this area if I expected him to change his behaviors. For me this meant deleting songs from my iTunes with lyrics that objectified women, throwing away movies with sex scenes that I knew were unecessary and watching other forms of media that I consumed, in general.
In the time that immediately followed him telling me of his addiction, I really struggled with thoughts of not being beautiful enough or him not loving me enough. I blamed myself for his addiction, one that had been developing since he was in middle school. I know that these are simply not true, but they are still hard ideas to fight in light of the situation. I definitely think this was due, in part, to my being afraid to seek counsel regarding this issue. Looking back, I believe it would have been healthier to find a professional to talk with this issue about, one who was confidential and had good advice to offer on this topic.
However, I also made it clear to him that I would rather him be honest with me than hide his struggles from me for fear of disappointing me. It has not been an easy struggle at all, but I am happy to say that restoration is occurring in both of our lives. And, ultimately, I have learned much more about the extension of both forgiveness and grace – to oneself, as well as to others, through this struggle.
June 10, 2012 at 8:46 pm
Thank you for helping out, excellent information. “Whoever obeys the gods, to him they particularly listen.” by Homer.
August 29, 2012 at 6:30 pm
I contacted Ancient benin shrine because someone that I loved the most suddenly left me. I have always been the one that has been hurt. I knew that when I first met him, he was the one I have always been looking for. For some reason he’s been holding on to the pain from a past relationship. Dr.Ancient so far has been in contact with me every day and has decided that he will take my case. He told me that me and the guy was very well matched and he will help clear his mind from all the negativity. He did all that and now we are now both happy together again. Thank you Ancient benin shrine .Thank you for choosing my case. Thank you for giving me hope again. Email ancientbeninshrine@gmail.com jake
December 11, 2012 at 2:28 pm
I am 17 years old and I found out that my boyfriend of a year has had a porn addiction for the past 5 years. I was crushed. It made my self esteem drop lower than it already was. I have talked to a counselor and she told me that he needs to talk to a pastor, and I completely agree with that. he thinks that he can do it on his own… that makes me very uneasy because I want to think that he would go without me telling him that he has to do it or the relationship is over. I feel bad saying that, but I care about him. I also feel bad that I make this situation about me all the time. what this makes me feel like and I need time to process when I know that really he is thee one who needs the most help. I just don’t know what to do anymore. not sure if I should continue with this relationship when I constantly feel depressed. When I cant sleep anymore. Once again I am making it about me…
But can he get through this while he is in a relationship?
I am asking for advice from a strong Christian who has dealt with this before and has gotten through it with their significant other.
Thanks
February 12, 2013 at 1:50 am
20 minutes before I had to leave for class I found this post.
I’ve been engrossed in this blog all week.
I read the first word of this post and “yep, I’m gonna cry.” I did.
It’s going to be very hard to keep the tears from falling as I write this reply.
I am 22. I am a Christian, and a virgin. I am breaking all kind of chains that have been binding my family through generations, including being a virgin, graduating from high school, completing an Associates Degree and pursuing a bachelor’s degree.
I am engaged. He proposed in front of our college church group last December. White rose petals, candles in the vase’s. 2 dozen roses, microphone, oh yeah. We are each other’s firsts. We’ve been in a relationship since September 2011.
Early on in our relationship, we knew we were going to be serious from the get go, as we were getting to know each other, he said that, yes, he had seen porn. I thought nothing more of it. He treated it like he had overcome it. I trust him.
March 13, 2013 at 2:47 am
Wow thank you for these posts and how honest they are.
I am a christian male who has struggled with a porn addiction since i was 12 and currently in a support group and trying to obey God.
Truth came to me the other day and just how lonely i am due to my family background and how that is my trigger often. Also boredom and feeling powerless is also.
I go to porn to fill these issues and they are linked to the idols of my life. It is the gospel that fills those gaps in my heart that porn can never fill. It is obedience to christ, his word and the holy spirit that change me.
I know often you caring christian ladies want to care for us but if you ever try filling that hole in my heart or trying to fix my behavior you wont. You will just add to my idols, never try replace Christ. Nagging never worked either by the way.
I need to know Christ love and grace better and forgiveness but it is a knowledge that leads to actions; for me to obey. Christians need to show me Christs love and forgiveness because he has shown then great grace.
But i guess it comes down to How you treat a person entrance in a deeply persistent and pervading sin. Grace mercy forgiveness.
How it works in a dating relationship? not the same. Dating says “hey I am checking you out for marriage and commit to that till i think your not ready or till we are married”. Porn is idolatry and adultery in the heart playing out. You would not marry that if you knew right? especially if it is Persistent. I tell you i would not marry me if i was anyone right now. Your (future) husband needs to know God and you have standards of him(even having been saved and living in his grace) and for him to stop groveling in sin and commit to obeying.
Now it might mean breaking up with him or setting boundaries. If that ‘pushes’ into sin then you know he is not dealing with his idols and you might have just been apart of one of his. Greg as mentioned above if you are pushed into sin by girl breaking up with you then it was not her fault but ours as the sinner. With all grace remind them of their identity in Christ and YOUR forgiveness but forgiveness does not mean reconciliation between two sinful people. GOD can through his spirit and power but is more complex for us. But two people need to answer for issues for before a good relationship can happen. Forgiveness means not holding a debt against a person not holding onto a ship that might be sinking trying to pull it up.
If you do date a porn addict or find out i think give it a month or two more to see if it is being dealt with, even when they are sincere. Ensure he has MALE accountability. THIS IS IMPORTANT. Tough gracious love is needed not someone to continue to date you and essentially say “I am kinda ok with this relationship and how i am being treated”. You know a sexual and food addictions i was told by my councilor can take up to 5 years to heal. Are you happy to feel this way for a long time.
I say all this but i struggle to hold to the truth all the time. Girls the person you marry is important, you can choose!! grace and forgiveness does not lock you into dysfunctional dating relationships.
March 17, 2013 at 10:11 am
I’m so happy I found this blog. Today I found out that my Fiancé is addicted to porn, still. I found out in December of last year and we talked it out and I found out he was addicted for 5 years and tried to stop when we started dating almost two years ago but he can’t. So I said ok you know I don’t like it and it’s against my values. It’s an addiction and if you really want to stop for us you have to be honest and stop with the lies. There’s way too many lies already…but anyway. I said I know it’s hard to stop cold turkey so if u need to watch it and try to lessen it just plz let me know I rather u be honest am I rather jack u off than u having to watch other naked whores. But supposedly he said no he was done. And the lies began over and over again Everytime I would ask he would deny to my face. A few weeks ago I turned off the parental restriction on his iphone that I bought for him just because I was trusting him again. But I checked the website data this morning and sure enough porn sites. He then lies again saying he doesn’t know where that’s from and he doesn’t watch it. REALLY?????? Be a man and confess at least! I’m so over this shit. I want out :( I’m so tire of the lies now I really feel like I can’t ever trust him. Idk what to do :( btw he said he would get counseling months ago. So far I’m the only one in counseling and he keeps putting off couples counseling too. Ugh help :(
March 21, 2013 at 8:35 pm
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Jane if you do vist this site again. this is what i would say.
1. You should not be his accountability partner. You have enough stress. He needs a mature tough loving christian as his accountability partner. Find his pastor or good male friend and confront him on it. Bust that sin into the light if it hides away just between you two it will destroy both of you. He may hate this. I did when it happened to me. But it is the only way healing can start. Read start of 1 john
2. It is a lie that he cannot quit cold turkey. In fact that might be the only way and it can take up to 5 years of a serious attempt to over come an addiction to porn it is a long haul and if he is living in the darkness about his porn then he is not on that path.
3. If you cannot trust him, then it might be time to put the relationship on hold or something. it sounds hard. i have never been there. But you cannot marry a man you dont trust.
4. Love him which does not mean maintaining this hurtful relationship but show him showing him that his sin is hurting you, that you forgive him you have not debt to hold against him( very tough i know). You want him to stop sin and love God get other people in his life. Put a boundary between you and him his sin is his own and not for you to burden.
"don't throw your pearls to pigs" Matt 7:6.
April 8, 2013 at 10:25 pm
I'm very glad I found this blog. I feel like my boyfriend is also addicted to porn. I would confront him about it and he would start yelling at me, telling me it was easier than sex and that he wasn't going to change. A month later, he said he would stop watching it if it bothered me, but that I had to trust him. So I did. But then I went on his computer today and found at least 4 porn websites… in just a couple days! I know I was wrong to go through his computer, but something just wasn't sitting right with me. I'm really hurt that he watched it, and probably more hurt that he lied about it. I feel like he has no regard for my feelings. I try to turn these things over to God, but now all I can think about is when is the next time he is going to watch porn? I feel like because this has been going on for some months now, I should leave the relationship. The problem is that in every other aspect of the relationship, we are so compatible and we love each other so much. I really don't want this to destroy our relationship, but I cannot get over my insecurities. I also feel I can confront him on it because that would mean admitting that I looked through his computer, but now I can't trust him.
I thought I was the only one with this issue, but it seems that a lot of women suffer from the same fate.
April 10, 2013 at 1:06 am
Hi guys i have been encouraged by your comments here even if they were made a year ago they carry alot of wisdom. iv recently discovered my boyfriend has been struggling with hardcore porn. for me i feel uneasy about comforting him about it because im quite shy about the subject overall but i do feel hurt by the content of stuff he is interested in watching. I have spoken to him about purity and the struggles of pornography in a bid to get him to open up, he actually confessed he closed that book years ago only to discover he watches it on a daily basis to this very day. I know he wont change over night but i do feel this isnt good for our relationship. I want the holyspirit to do his work in him, but im not sure where his heart is with God. im here for him praying about his struggles n mine too as im not perfect at all ,but my mind drifts.. i sometimes feel i wont b good enough for him in comparrison to these woman who work in the sex industry i dont ever desire to be one of those but i just dont agree on how they pervert the blessing God gave to mankind.
April 25, 2013 at 5:30 am
Would someone please give me some godly advice? I just found out this week that my boyfriend of a year and a half is addicted to pornography. He told me he has been addicted since he was 12 years old. He also told me that I am the first person to ever find out about this. I feel so alone with no one to talk to, because I wouldn't want to reveal my boyfriend's secret. He cried his heart out to me and gagged from being so upset. Then he started saying things like "I hate my life. It would be better for everyone if I was never here." Now, my boyfriend is one to say things in the moment & I do not think he would ever personally harm his self. But I just don't know what to do. All I could do is cry and hold him.
April 27, 2013 at 3:55 pm
I love him. More than words can say. His kisses still mesmorize me. I know it's real love. He told me that he would never do it again and it wasn't a pleasure, just an addiction. But if he has been addicted for 6 years… theres no way he will stop cold turkey I dont think. I want to be there for him and don't want to show him how upset I am because I was the one who got him to tell me. Plus.. I don't want to leave this boy. He is my whole world. But I feel so betrayed and broken hearted. We have not had sex, because I know that God meant that for marriage. So this is a huge deal for me… I feel like he had cheated on me, even if he doesn't see it that way. I fear that one day he will decide to leave me, and I will have gone through all this pain for nothing. Again, I can't talk to anyone except my Lord. I was hoping to get some advice from here too. Thanks..
April 27, 2013 at 3:55 pm
My boyfriend is addicted to porn also. It does affect our sex life. He will tell me he is going on there to look for new sexual positions, but what is so ironic with that, he usually only likes one position in bed. If the roles were reversed and I was the one watching the porn, he would have a fit! I plan to no longer have sex with him, for I have lost interest in him anyway with how he watches the porn. I deserve to be treated better. There are many men out there who don't need to watch porn. Just because "most men" do it is no excuse.
May 21, 2013 at 10:01 pm
how can i help him addmitt he has a problem with porn
May 23, 2013 at 4:47 am
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June 26, 2013 at 1:12 pm
My name is Olivia. i am a 19 year old christian. i am so glad i have found this. ive felt so alone in the way ive been feeling emotionally. ive been thinking ive been wrong for feeling hurt the way i do.
ive dated my current boyfriend for 6 months now. he is 20. we have always been close friends and we have even dated once before. when i was 16 and he was 17. he is also a christian whom i met through church camp when we were around 12 and 13. i am in love with him. he is my best friend. my everything.
my last relationship {ive only had three, and my first boyfriend has passed from this life} lasted a year and a half and ended due to his porn addiction. my current boyfriend {because we were just close friends during my past relationship} knew why the relationship ended and even had given me some helpful advice during the struggle.
now i have recently learned…he too is a porn addict. i found out two months ago. i fell apart. i felt….’he knows ive been through this! how can he do this to me!?’
after the first time i found out about it i was hurt but i feel i did handle it with grace. i told him i believed he wanted to stop {he cried and was so angry with himself} and i knew with Gods help he could do it. i even comforted him.
ive tried not to stay on him…i know that would only make things worse so i didnt say anything for about a month. but the damage had been done and i needed reassurence. so i tried talking about it again with him. he had done it again. i told him the same as the first time. except i also made him promise he wouldnt lie. that he would tell me if it happened again. he promised.
im currently on vacation with his family in a condo. and we arrived 5 days ago.three days ago i asked him. and he said he hadnt had an issue. i was so happy. i believed him and i was thrilled. truly convinced tides were chaging and we had beat this.
the next morrning i explained how thrilled i was and excited to move on with our lives and the look on his face gave away everything.
he had lied.
lied.
after he knew. after he promised.
we have {obviously} not been intimate. we are both virgins and are staying that way until marriage. .i know this kills him. i see it. but what do i do? what boundriedd should i set so i can heal? and for how long? im trying to stay as graceful and loving as possible but its so hard. it cuts so deeply. please help?
June 28, 2013 at 1:21 am
Hmm…I wrote a response last night and it hasn't showed up. Not sure if it didn't go through for technical reasons, or it's being held up by the adminstrator's approval. This is a test to see if this comment goes through…
July 4, 2013 at 10:42 am
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July 15, 2013 at 6:04 am
My boyfriend is either in denial about being addicted to porn, or he knows it and can't admit it. We have been together just over a year, it was a whirlwind and in September last year we moved in together. He left his home in the north to be with me in the south. We have a brilliant relationship and I've never been so happy…. but then alarm bells went off in my head. One day when he went to work I went on his PC to check my emails and things, because my PC was broken and he was fixing it for me. Every time i typed a link some sort of porn link showed in the box. I wasn't all that bothered at first because I thought maybe he watched a lot before me. But I clicked return on one of the links to a webcam site because it was a bit 'ominous' and there in black and white, he had been watching girls on webcam every second he got the chance sometimes spending £100 a month to watch them. There were chat logs were he was writing about how much he liked them and there was some very inappropriate chat to them. I was so upset, I sat him down to talk about it. He was defensive (but you could see he was trying to listen) He said he wouldn't do it anymore but he carried on. In evenings were I was waiting for him to come to the bedroom he would be on it. After a couple of times having this conversation (I won't tell the full inns and outs) I decided to write him a letter, as I was most upset about him TALKING to the girls as that makes it personal… but he didn't seem to get that. I wrote him a letter telling him that he meant the world to me and I knew he was devoted to me but I was hurting. I explained that he knows flirting with someone in the pub is wrong, so doing that online is just as bad. I copied and pasted some of his conversations with the women onto the letter and asked him to sit down and read it. The letter seemed to make him really understand more how much it was affecting me. I also wrote in my letter that if he just tried to hide it more I would think he was lying and I won't continue to put up with it. Since then I look on that website every now and again. He looks still which is not a problem, but I am happy to say that he doesn't have any chat logs with them. He always deletes history and wipes his PC, but now that I see no chat logs I feel much better and he is spending far less time looking at it. SO in my experience your words might not be enough, try a letter if they are not listening but the letter can't be blaming. You have to tell them you love them, need them, and understand they need their private time, but some of their activity is not OK.
July 18, 2013 at 2:51 am
Thanks, Terra. As you pointed out, this post has nothing to do with a "war between the sexes." This was a case study that sought to examine beauty, beauty norms, the danger in pursuing the one-dimensional image of beauty propogated by the mainstream media and how it impacts men and women's perceptions of themselves and one another.
July 23, 2013 at 7:33 am
Wow. This is an amazing site. I feel sick just reading everything, but my boyfriend told me a few months ago that he watches porn. I was totally forgiving and calm about it that night, but then the next day I sat in my dorm room at college and just cried. We are very physical, and i often fell guilty about the stuff we do and now that I know about the porn, i feel like trash. Thankyou everyone for posting your comments, i know Im not alone now. My boyfriend works at a freaking church, and I don't even know how things are going because I have been out of the country for two months, so we skype but I worry because we never talk about the porn issue. Its like this awkward elephant that we can't seem to deal with. How do you bring up this kind of stuff? I work in a drug rehab, i deal with people who are seriously addicted, but addiction to sex and porn hits so much closer to the spirit. I know God's plan for sex. So, how do we get back to that? How do I forgive him, when I know he does want to change, but we can't even talk about it. Thankyou so much for this sight! PRaise God!
August 26, 2013 at 6:45 am
I found this website and here is my story…. I am not a teenager like most of you guys…. I am 43 years old woman and my bf is 47 years old. I found out he is addicted to porn last Sunday. At least that's when he admitted to whole story to me.
It actually started few months ago, when I found out that he can't cum when we are intimate. So we had a discussion and he said his libido is down for about 4 years or so….. That kind of triggered me to think that he might be addicted to porn but when I asked him about it, he said he watches it only once in a while and he jerks off when he gets stressed (every 2 weeks or so) and surprisingly he can cum that way?? Anyway, that even more put some questions in my head.
About 3 weeks ago I found hundreds of porn DVDs in his house ( we don't live together) but spend the weekends at either place. I was shocked and my jaws dropped…. I was never expecting that. I looked at some of the. Few were just sick… The earliest dates were from about 10 years ago. His addiction has been progressing and made big impact on his life. He has been engaged and it just didn't happen I guess. I was always wondering if it was this problem or not be able to perform as a man. He seems always tired and not showing much interest in me, even though I know I am very attractive woman and I don't even look my age.
Another thing that bugs me about him, he looks at other girls, despise the age very provocative while he is with me…. It is very disrespectful. I've told him that before but he said: this is the way I look. Ha! Funny right? I am sure he wouldn't like if I started looking at man with the same look?
And I know you guys have been talking about church support groups. He doesn't go to church, he doesn't believe in God, so this option is out. He locks his computer so I have access to it!! :( His excuse is that he has his bank statement downloaded. I know it's all BS… which I already shared with him.
What do I do? I gave him my boundary list, my expectations, and I've told him that he can tell me his expectations as well. I told him that I will support him in any way I can. I will stand by him.
Do you have any tips and ideas for me? I am a mess at the moment with mixed emotions. I am hurt and I don't even know if can trust him again. I really want him to get better for himself, not for me. I want him to turn his life around and be happy!!
Maybe we can still be happy together? I love him!!
September 7, 2013 at 12:46 pm
I found out about my boyfriend being addicted about a year and a half ago. He told me that this is a problem since he was a child. It wasn't easy for him to be honest with me, but he did. At least then… So we had this talk about me helping him every time he feels being 'triggered'. I truly wanted to be there for him every time he needs me. Of course he said "I'll tell you the next time I do it again" but he never actually did. I left it this way, what he says is eventually the truth, there's no point for me to gain control, in the end he's trustworthy.
Two months later he felt bad about lying to me so many times. He told me that he could not resist and that he did it ONCE. And this was the first moment I felt…betrayed. We discussed it through, had a long talk about priorities and being honest to each other. He promised not to do this again. Of course I asked for many times if he does it. I felt like I were in control. I felt like someone who's being treated with respect and honesty, eventually our relationship was- at least in my opinion- the most important value of our lives. I asked him, whether he needs help, whether he feels strong and so on. Over and over he kept saying "I'm over it, I stopped watching porn, I don't masturbate."
After another couple months during Christmas I asked him again, whether he's 'faithful'. He denied to masturbate and watch porn, as he always did. But the truth was different. The next day I came to visit him. While he was in the shower or something, I was using his laptop, because I left mine at home. I opened his history and the whole truth came out. It occured he did it on the daily basis. Watched porn for HOURS. On the same day I asked and he denied to watch porn, he was doing it for an hour or more. I started crying, I didn't understand any of it. I told him what I've seen and he felt really bad about it. I saw in his behaviour that he feels guilty. He promised me he would NEVER do it again. Another thing he did was deleting the ability to save history in his laptop, he said that if he doesn't see the names of the sites, he stays 'sober'. I could see he is real about it all. I believed him. But nevertheless I asked him a couple times after that. I asked if he's sober. Every time he said "yes". And every time i trusted him.
This year he told me he was never over it. He said he did it all the time. He admitted being addicted to porn. He is now looking for help, trying to get things 'healed'. Trying to get things work between us. But I can't help what I feel. I am deeply, truly wounded. Now it's about 40 days of his "noFap". And the only thought that comes into my mind is "how long does it take for him to get back to his old habits". Now I don't trust him anymore. I don't feel like we were 'the soulmates". I feel like a betrayed girl left all alone. Thank you for writing your story, I cried a river while reading. Hope to get things back on the right track, but for now I just can't see the light… Good luck with your relationship, cause good women really exist.
September 15, 2013 at 6:03 pm
Last weekend i caught my bf with a womans vagina wide open on his ipod & a booty pic. Im truly pissed off & discussed. He wants to cover it up & not talk about but he don’t know that hurt me & it makes me seem like i not good enough for him. Im not going to force him to talk about he feels guilty & a shamed already. I sort of put him down because i was hurt & now we barely talking. I honestly don’t want to talk to him any more
Im not even in love with him anymore. We been dating for 1yr & 2months. Im pretty done.
September 24, 2013 at 10:57 pm
I can't actually say that my guy is "addicted" to porn, because when I use the term "addicted" he get angry and violent about it. I truly think there is a problem with his porn activity tho… I have caught him on several occasions running up the stairs or away from where he was watching it due to me coming home early, etc. (KEEP IN MIND…EVERY TIME I HAVE CAUGHT HIM, IT IS WITH OUR KIDS HOME ( 7 year old girl, 3 year old girl and a 1 yr old girl….) I need help coping with my own emotions on this… I know I am a beautiful woman, but this has caused me to feel like, well, a piece of shit- honestly.
October 30, 2013 at 10:43 pm
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November 13, 2013 at 1:29 pm
My name is Victoria Cole, I almost took my life because of my ex who
left me and stop picking my calls. He said do not trust me anymore, I
tried to convince him, but he will not believe me until we had a fight
and broke up for 8months, after then I realize I can not live without
him because of the love I have for him. I tried everything possible to
get him back, but non worked for me, some fake spell casters scammed
me and went away with my money until I came across this man called The
Great Elisha, he cast a spell for me and behold my ex came back
after three days, begging me for forgiveness, I was so surprised that
spell caster like The Great Elisha still exist. If anyone here
needs some help, with all sincerity, contact The Great Elisha via his email:prophetelisha@live.com
February 5, 2014 at 8:27 pm
My boyfriend just told me he is addicted to porn. The way I found out is that he has been having an ongoing "sexting" relationship with a girl in his circle of friends, and the texts were found by the soon to be girls ex husband (also one of my boyfriends best friends) and the sexting relationship was exposed. The girl is gross and has issues and has cheated on her husband, but that is a whole other story. At first he tried to tell me that it was just a one time thing and he was drunk. But then I found out it was ongoing and so he opened up and finally admitted that he has serious issues and has a porn addiction. He said it was never physical with her, that he just prefers more of a visual type thing. He called himself a sick perverted voyeur. The words on the text are disturbing and the fact that he was saying these things to this girl is what deeply hurts the most. I think I can deal with the porn addiction and get through that part and be supportive of his steps to get help and get better (I think)… But is it "normal" for porn addicts to also have sexting relationships, especially with people in your everyday lives? This I am having a hard time wrapping my head around and I am not sure if I can accept this and say well he has an addiction and that is just part of it. I think his porn addiction is driven by his insecurities and issues he has that are out of his control. He has problems getting hard and he has problems climaxing. It was hard for me to get the nerve to ask, we just kept pretending there wasn't a problem, but we were both frustrated. I finally got the courage to ask if he has ever seen a doctor about it and he handled everything very well. He started going to the doctor right away, he said I was the first one he has ever felt comfortable with admitting to the problem and he wanted to fix it for us. I think the porn addiction and the fact that he would rather just sit back and watch and have secret sexting relationships probably help him to forget these problems and make him feel empowered. After he was exposed to all of his friends about what he has been doing, they all feel betrayed and right now he is very alone and the lowest he has ever been. I hurt for him and I know he is a better man than this. It was all so shocking, it is not the man I fell in love with. We all have our "things", our dark sides, and I guess porn addiction is his (so he says). Even though what he has done has hurt me so bad, I told him he can talk to me if he needs someone while he starts the process of getting help. He is not in good shape. I said I need to wrap my head around everything and figure out if this is something I can accept and get passed, but that he can talk to me and that I believe he can get better. Does anybody have any advise for me on what I should do and how I should handle this? Did I get cheated on? ..Or does he really have a porn addiction? Do I stick by him because he is going through some really hard times and everything has just come to the surface? I just don't know what to do and I am so hurt, heartbroken and lost.
August 1, 2014 at 4:13 pm
Ok so my boyfriend and I have been dating for 11 months now and we love each other so much. We have established with each other that someday when we’re both spiritually and mentally mature, our relationship will lead to marriage. We don’t believe in breaks during a relationship and we have decided to try to work through everything instead of breaking up. He recently told me that he had been thrown into an addiction into porn when his ex-girlfriend and him ended their relationship. He said that he still struggles with it, which I understand. It didn’t really hit me until later the full seriousness of what he had said. I prepared a whole talk to say to him that included things that would help and I constantly stressed that I was not condemning him and that I was going to stand by him this whole time. I told him how at first I had believed the lie of him doing it because I wasn’t enough for him, and he apologized and said how id always been enough for him. I have never seen him so distraught so I believed him. I told him that he can tell me anything and that I wanted to help keep him accountable (the feeling of wanting to help him far outweighs the feeling of hurt), but he said that he didn’t want to hurt me anymore than he already had (which I completely understand). Now as I think about it more though, I don’t feel like I’m doing enough just by praying for him. I feel like he isn’t going to open up to anyone about this issue and he’s going to try to face this alone. It’s been a month since I talked to him about it, but I don’t know how I should approach his quietness about the issue…Should I back off and let him handle it or should I ask him more about it? Do I have a right as his girlfriend to ask him to install accountability software on his tablet? So confused right now…..
October 1, 2014 at 7:05 pm
I am so glad to know that I am not alone and my feelings of anger, disappointment and bitterness is understandable.
We were really good friends before we dated and dated for nearly 1.5 years. We got engaged this year Feb and last night, I found that he watched porn , including same sex porn.
That shocks me. Everything shocks me, especially the fact that he struggle with same sex porn. (I tried to avoid using the word 'addiction' at this stage as I think he needs to see consultants/experts to find out more about this.
We had a frank talk last night- he was bullied when he was very young and people calling him gay, his father was not involved in his upbringing much as his father is kinda alcoholic. He was confused about his identity and whether he had same sex attraction problem.
In Uni, Somebody introduced him to church and he became a Christian. Realising that the same sex attraction is a sin, he decided to solve it by avoiding this problem.
Later we met, we dated and engaged. I asked him last night whether he still has this struggle. I could tell from his face that he is unsure.
On one hand, I know God loves me and let me discovered that before our marriage – seriously, we were planning to get married end of this year. It is going to be a disaster to face this problem in marriage.
On the other hand, I am not sure what my role is – being a supportive girlfriend (fiancee ) , walking through this journey with him hand in hand, or break the engagement.
Last night was a sleepless night for me, reading through all the posts in GOODWOMENPROJECT, and listened to John pipier's talk on this issue ( from the girlfriend's perspective) reinforces me, that Porn addiction (+struggle with same sex porn ) is a BIG problem that is totally beyond my capacity to help and handle. only God can change him. I know God will change him (yes, we are seeking for help, he is going to talk to consultant and Pastor for help ) , but I don't know when. It may take 6 months, 1 year, 3 years or even more. Why? Because I think his problem with addiction goes something deeper than his struggle with physical desires – it relates to his relationship with his parents ( he still has anger and bitterness about his dad for not being a role model) , what happened to him when he was little. Although he was a victim and i was sorry about what happened to him when he was young, I myself have my weakness – I discovered my dad watched porn when I was little and he now still doesnt think it is a problem – that destroyed my trust and respect in man. One of the hardest thing I find in a relationship is to learn to 'respect' man and fully trust them. That is my weakness.
And discovering my boyfriend, a Christian man, a leader from the church also struggle with this, makes it even harder.
I pray that God will heal our broken hearts. I pray that we rely on him more. I pray that if the Devil tells us 'you are not pretty! You are not good enough that's why he needs to seek external triggers for his happiness' , we will fight against the devil with God's words and wisdom!
God love us so much and he sent his son to die for us. Porn addiction is a sin and so does same sex attraction. If we are dating, we have a choice to be committed into the risk, or take a break.
Taking a break doesn't mean you don't love him anymore, that is a break out of love – we know we are sinners and we have wicked thoughts . I have my pain to go through, I am going to lie to him saying I am fine and be supportive in that way. Bitterness is hidden ever time when i say sth like 'i understand your pain, we can walk through together'.
That's my thoughts over my head – pls tell me what you think about it . And pls pray for me. He is going to talk to Pastor this morning, pray that he will be honest, transparent about his thoughts and his past. Pray that God be with him. And pls pray for me – that I will experience God's healing and be guided by God's words. Pray that I will not say anything hurtful to him – saying I sad I feel wont help the problem.
Blessings,
April 15, 2015 at 7:56 pm
That's the strength that fuels a true life. Can you think to bring your little box of chocolates with you while you sit on the tube running under the streets of London? Because you should. Because even if you don't know anybody, and you don't know what's gonna happen next, you should have your box of chocolates with you. You should eat your bowl of cherries. And that is what life is.”
June 29, 2015 at 3:38 pm
That's the strength that fuels a true life. Can you think to bring your little box of chocolates with you while you sit on the tube running under the streets of London? Because you should. Because even if you don't know anybody, and you don't know what's gonna happen next, you should have your box of chocolates with you. You should eat your bowl of cherries. And that is what life is.”
IT Outsourcing Dallas
June 29, 2015 at 3:39 pm
That's the strength that fuels a true life. Can you think to bring your little box of chocolates with you while you sit on the tube running under the streets of London? Because you should. Because even if you don't know anybody, and you don't know what's gonna happen next, you should have your box of chocolates with you. You should eat your bowl of cherries. And that is what life is.”
June 29, 2015 at 3:40 pm