They Do Exist.

I Am 22, Engaged, And Addicted to Porn

Editor’s Note: Today’s post is anonymous. If you would like speak with her, please send an email to goodwomenproject[at]gmail.com and I am happy to put you in touch with the author. If you are trying to stop watching porn, please check out our Resources page that we are putting together. Also, Dirty Girls Ministries is selling their book, Dirty Girls Come Clean for only SIX DOLLARS today. Go get a copy. Much love. – Lauren

I could give you facts and figures, but the truth of the matter is that sometimes truth is better heard through story. I think of the parables of Jesus Christ and how simple stories turned the world He knew on its head. This story isn’t a parable and it’s definitely not fable. This is truth.

The truth of the matter is this: I am 22, engaged to be married, and addicted to porn.

But I wish someone would have told me years ago that that “purity pledge” I made in eighth grade didn’t mean that as long as I didn’t have sex, I was pure. That is certainly not the case. I am both impure and a virgin.

Abstinence isn’t the answer to purity in the Church. Simply refraining from having sex (and as the wedding day draws nearer, I’m starting to fully realize that “simply refraining” isn’t simple at all) does not make a “pure” person.

I became addicted to the idea of sex when I was 17 and foolishly engaged. Although we weren’t planning the wedding until 3 years down the road, I wanted to make sure I was ready for sex. So I did “research” and became a little addicted.

I wish someone would have told me then that there’s no such thing as “a little addicted”.

After he broke up with me, I went to a Christian college where every website we visited was monitored. So I stopped looking at porn. I thought I was healed!

And then I went home for breaks. I’d bring my computer to my bedroom at night. I’d click on every website that became available. I looked at ALL kinds of porn, something to get me off. But I told myself that I could stop at anytime. And when I went back to college, I did stop.

But I never stopped thinking about it. And that was the thing. My “little addiction” became an infestation in my brain that would not, could not leave. I’d get so hungry for it that I’d go crazy sometimes. I dropped out of my first year of college for other reasons, and that summer, every weekend not spent at camp, I’d go to bed with my computer – reading, looking, fantasizing.

I went to another Christian college and thought I had it beat again. I survived summers and breaks at home without looking at porn, without reading erotica.

And then I got engaged.

Now, I’ve been told multiple times that everything gets more difficult once a ring is on a finger. And the ring is shiny and beautiful and speaks of love and promises. But I’m stuck.

I was tricked into thinking that I needed to know everything by the time of our wedding so that I can make him happy with me. To do so, I started watching porn – again.

Even though I am a virgin, my fiance is not. Even though he tells me that this will be completely different for him this time around, I still feel inadequate – AND WE’RE NOT EVEN MARRIED!

My addiction has made us reset boundaries twice now, simply because I was more willing to be flexible with the boundary lines we had set before. I want the pleasure that the girls get in those videos. I want to know what it’s like for his hands to be all over me. I want to know what desire feels like – when he can’t get enough of me, or what I’m able to give isn’t enough. And we’ve hit those lines far too many times in the past two weeks. He and I used to be able to nap together – no more. We used to be able to passionately kiss – no more. Not until the wedding when we can kiss all we want and fall asleep in each other’s arms. Even taking those two things away is painful. Sometimes it makes me think that he doesn’t want me at all; I’m tricked into thinking I’m not good enough. Truth of the matter is this: I’m good enough for him, but one more “oops” moment will turn into one of us taking off clothing. He’s protecting my virginity because he thinks it’s beautiful.

I wish he could protect my innocence. I wish he could erase my memories of those pictures and videos.

I don’t want to be trapped. I was tricked into it by the little lie that told me I would know how to do nothing on my wedding night; tricked into the lie that said that he wanted my body more than my heart. I bought those lies. I’m trapped. I want desperately to get out.

So I put one foot in front of the other, and I keep walking forward. I may stumble; sometimes I may even fall. But my God is gracious and forgiving, slow to anger and abundant in love and he will pick me up again and help me to continue to walk forward.

I cannot do this on my own. I am weak.

But my God can – and will – deliver me..


Want to join us & pass this along to other women in your life?
Follow Good Women Project on Twitter: @goodwomenproj
Be a fan on Facebook: facebook.com/goodwomenproject

Subscribe to our email newsletter for insider updates here or subscribe to the blog here. Or both.
Everyone on our team is volunteer, and we are funded 100% by you. If you'd like to donate, you can here.
We're also doing fun stuff on Tumblr, Instagram, and Pinterest!


23 Responses

  1. Katherine

    Thank you for sharing your story. You raise an interesting point, doing research before having sex. I have struggled with this idea. How much should we know about sex before engaging in it? Even from a biological standpoint, I feel like a woman should know what a hymen is, a clitoris, the cervix, an erection, ejaculation. But what about beyond that? For instance, I am in college level sexuality class. We discuss female and male pleasure, sexual dysfunctions, how bodies respond to sex. Are these things best left in the unknown until marriage? Or until the time building up to the marriage?

    November 28, 2011 at 2:38 pm

  2. It just takes being honest with yourself before God about why you want to learn. If you're truly doing it for the right motives, then stick to good Christian books that are careful about the kinds of imagery they use and the depth of subject matter they cover. But even so, keep an eye on your heart's motives. Two of my excuses for my addiction to pornography were that I was "just curious" and "there was no harm in educating myself." At 13, I _was_ ignorant and needed to learn some things about sex, but not to the extent that I later began lying to myself about.

    November 28, 2011 at 3:28 pm

  3. Sarah

    I was in an abusive relationship when I was 19 that lasted 6 months, where I certainly lost my purity and my innocence (but not my virginity – it's a good point that you make), then later got engaged at 22. I prayed and prayed and PRAYED every day that my first time, on my wedding night, would feel like a first time. My boyfriend (Now husband of 7 1/2 years) had extremely strict boundaries in place that he never crossed. I probably would have been weak if he'd given me the chance, but he didn't. And my wedding night was, without a doubt, the BEST night of my entire life. God is our redeemer. He will redeem for you what has been lost, if you let him. Don't worry about what you do or don't know, it didn't matter for either of us. Discovering it all together anew is the best thing ever. And I feel that it can be that way for your fiance too even though this won't be his first time. I pray that you will know the fullness of the goodness of God as you go into your marriage, HUGS. Oh, and for me, Christian books about sex just created unrealistic expectations and a feeling of failure later on… because it wasn't for me what they described. I actually think it's best to know nothing… Not entirely possible in todays world, but I think as long as you can have open and honest communication with your husband or wife then you'll enjoy the journey of marriage and intimacy together.

    November 28, 2011 at 4:05 pm

  4. 213

    I've been keeping up with November's posts because I myself am "a little addicted" to porn and masturbation. This particular post strikes hard because I go to a Christian college as well. Different things have led to this little addiction (in appropriate conversations in chat-rooms led to curiosity in my middle school ages, and inappropriate relationships led to everything else in high school), and I realized my freshman year at the school that it was SO EASY to quit porn because the school regulated websites. Like you, weekends at home meant freedom on the internet, and my browsing history was probably really terrible during that time. It's easy at school to pretend like it's not a big deal, because while I'm here it's not, really. At least that was the story before this fall semester. I live off campus now, which means more freedom on the internet, which has opened up space for temptation and failure in my search for a pure heart. This semester has been so tough — porn, chat rooms, etc. It's hard to keep sane sometimes, because I want it all so bad sometimes, but then afterwards I feel so dirty. I guess what I'm getting at is that I'm glad I read this, and I'm super thankful for your honesty, because I am a struggling woman, too. I know there's hope because I've seen how good it is when I'm seeking Christ and not worldly pleasures. I know Christ is King, and on my worst days God still sees me as His daughter. I guess what I'm trying to say here is that I'm trying to "be good."

    November 28, 2011 at 8:59 pm

  5. Emily

    I was wondering how and what you told your fiance. I am in this position and have no idea how to go about talking to my boyfriend about this issue. We are planning on getting married next summer and I know I should at some point have this conversation but I am terrified of what will come from it. I am not afraid that he will leave but that I will disappoint him and that he may look down on me in some way. Did you talk to a friend before you spoke to him? No one knows about my struggles and after all of the posts this month I feel like I need to start talking to people. Figuring out who and how and what exactly to say is the excuse I am currently using. I am not sure what the next step should be.

    November 28, 2011 at 10:36 pm

  6. Stephanie

    I am in tears right now!
    I'm 24 and got married 4 months ago to a wonderful man who also struggled with the same things that I did.
    You have such courage to write this all out and trust that God will keep you! :)

    November 29, 2011 at 5:26 pm

  7. Just Me

    Thank you.

    November 29, 2011 at 11:04 pm

  8. Male_Reader

    To the author:

    Don't you find you're doing others potentially seeking Christianity a huge disservice by accepting this man and his past history, when yours on the other hand is clean (albeit with yet to be pure intentions)? Because doing that basically tells others there is nothing wrong with this behaviour (i.e. no consequences to it whatsoever) other than it simply being against one of God's 'rules' (which couldn't be further from the truth as pre-marital sex always has serious consequences).

    Please consider/reconsider this. As I believe this is going to be a huge disservice to not only those potentially seeking Christ, but the church as well.

    That and I believe issues like this, are exactly what got the church the position it's in in 2011 with so much division and membership decline — it's ultimately decades of being unequally yoked adding up — its members largely not taking their beliefs seriously because no one teaches on these issues (or do so ineffectively if they do), and for the very few that do take these beliefs seriously (you), not setting high enough standards by giving this behaviour the okay by your nothing's-wrong-with-it approach as I stated above.

    December 4, 2011 at 2:48 am

  9. Audrey

    We are all sinners. We all have a past. As Christians, we admit and declare that being from the Body of Christ. Love is full and complete acceptance. Forgiveness is loving people for who they are– through their struggles and as they grow. There are times when loving may mean letting someone go. There are times when you need to just let people live. If someone has come before Christ and has given their hearts to His leading, there is no reason why he should not be forgiven. Here's a quote by Frederick Buechner that applies to the issue of forgiveness:

    "We hunger to be known and understood. We hunger to be loved. We hunger to be at peace inside our own skins. We hunger not just to be fed these things but, often without realizing it, we hunger to feed others these things because they too are starving for them. We hunger not just to be loved but to love, not just to be forgiven but to forgive, not just to be known and understood for all the good times and bad times that for better for worse have made us who we are, but to know and understand each other to the same point of seeing that, in the last analysis, we all have the same good times, the same bad times, and that for that very reason there is no such thing in all the world as anyone who is really a stranger."
    – Frederick Buechner

    February 20, 2012 at 3:25 pm

  10. Audrey

    Loving someone based on their past mistakes is what the Church SHOULD DO. We don't do enough of this. We judge constantly. Who wants to be apart of this? This goes with the "hate the sin, love the sinner" quote. Sins are so "taboo" that no one feels the freedom to be open and honest about their struggles, which is just what the enemy loves. May we be free from those things which cause us to stumble. May we know that as a Body and with our Father by our side we can hold each other accountable for what we do with our lives.

    February 20, 2012 at 3:29 pm

  11. I know this web page presents quality depending articles and additional information, is there any other
    site which offers these kinds of data in quality?

    June 5, 2013 at 5:27 am

  12. Hmm it looks like your blog ate my first comment (it was extremely long) so I guess
    I’ll just sum it up what I wrote and say, I’m
    thoroughly enjoying your blog. I too am an aspiring blog blogger but I’m still new to the whole thing. Do you have any helpful hints for first-time blog writers? I’d certainly appreciate it.

    June 11, 2013 at 8:03 pm

  13. What’s up to all, it’s actually a nice for me to pay a visit this web site,
    it consists of useful Information.

    June 17, 2013 at 7:05 pm

  14. I have read so many content concerning the blogger lovers
    however this paragraph is actually a fastidious article, keep it up.

    June 19, 2013 at 10:05 pm

  15. It’s really a cool and helpful piece of information. I’m glad that you simply shared this useful info with us.
    Please keep us informed like this. Thanks for sharing.

    June 23, 2013 at 5:27 pm

  16. Tosin

    I hope and wish myself dt I will get out of dis trap. God help!!!! Crying

    December 15, 2014 at 6:19 pm

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *