My Secret Childhood Sex Life: Porn, Masturbation, & Shame
Editor’s Note: Today’s post is anonymous, but the woman who wrote it has graciously volunteered to talk with anyone about these things. Please send an email to GoodWomenProject@gmail.com and I will put you in touch with her. Her story today is a little long, but stories like these need to be. Thank you for listening. – Lauren
Lots of people think back on their first memories with a nostalgic contentment. Childhood, for many, is a time of innocence, purity, and care-free giggles. Mine didn’t happen to turn out that way.
My childhood wasn’t unbearable, nor do I feel like I missed out on being a kid. I had many happy times growing up. I played softball, was a cheerleader, adventured around in the woods behind my house, and sang in school plays. I had a bubbly personality, and I smiled often. Any observer would have thought that I was a normal, happy little girl, and for the most part, I was. But what no one knew was that I struggled every day with thinking that I was a dirty piece of scum.
One of my first memories in life was watching hard-core pornography.
I was about 5 years old and was on vacation with my parents and cousin who was about a year younger than I was. My cousin and I were really good buddies, and we did everything together. My parents had left our hotel room at some point one night, and my cousin and I decided to flip the channels on the TV. We came across porn. We stared, wide-eyed, at the images of a man and woman acting in a manner completely different than we had ever seen before.
I think it mesmerized me in a way, because the next thing I remember was my mom coming back into the room and catching on to what we were watching. She got really frazzled and quickly turned off the television.
It was too late.
We bombarded her with questions.
“What WAS that?!”
“Mommy, what were they doing?”
“What was that man doing to the lady?”
My poor mother had no idea how to handle the situation. She ended up giving her five-year-old daughter and four-year-old niece “the sex talk”. I don’t remember exactly what she said, but it was something along the lines of, “When mommies and daddies love each other very much, they do things together to show each other how much they love one another. Kind of like what you saw on the TV.” I remember being really confused and scared.
Let’s just say I was never the same.
My cousin and I were really close, and could always be found playing together. One of our favorite games to play together was “house”. (She had one of those really awesome kitchen sets and an Easy Bake Oven. Playing at her house was little-girl heaven.)
We took turns playing “Mommy” and “Daddy”. Whoever played “Mommy” would cook and clean, and whoever played “Daddy” would “go to work” and read the newspaper.
We added a new twist to our games with this new knowledge of the worlds of “mommies and daddies” that we had seen that one night. We would basically recreate what we saw in the pornography with our four- and five-year-old little bodies.
At first, we had absolutely no idea that what we were doing was “wrong”. We began to catch on, however, as we got older. We began locking doors behind us to go “play”. What began as a relatively innocent game of “house” became a full-blown addiction to sexual satisfaction.
I remember my self-image during these years. Any time one of my family members or one of my parents’ friends would talk to me and tell me what a “good girl” I was, I would smile and say “thank you”, but in the back of my mind I remember thinking, “You don’t know what I do when you’re not looking. I’m bad.”
I genuinely thought I was “bad”. I don’t ever remember thinking that I was “good”.
My entire childhood was tainted with feelings of worthlessness, dirtiness, and shame.
I began masturbating around age eight. I sought out videos like the ones we’d accidentally seen. And by age 12 I had a budding addiction to pornography and masturbation.
The “game” continued until my cousin and I were about 11. We stopped when we realized that what we were doing were lesbian sex acts. I remember being scared to death that I was, in fact, a lesbian. It took me years to realize that I wasn’t lesbian, but that my first sexual experiences were all with a girl, and that it is common for girls with these kinds of experiences to question their sexuality.
So.
Much.
Shame.
These events in my childhood not only lead to addiction to pornography and masturbation, they lead to attempts in my adolescence and early adulthood to “prove” to myself that I wasn’t a lesbian by hooking up with as many hot men as I could. This didn’t liberate me like I thought it would. It just brought… you guessed it. More. Shame.
I’ve recognized that sexual shame is a vicious cycle. The shame that comes from doing something “dirty,” causes distress and a negative view of one’s self worth. This builds up inside and needs to be released, and it is. Usually in the form of another “dirty” act. The shame cycle continues, and it will until you are able to release the built up distress in a different way.
You guys, the events that took place in my childhood were that deep, dark, secret that you never expect to tell ANYONE. I swore I would take these memories to my grave because even the thought of them made me sick to my stomach with shame.
Through a series of events when I was 19, I hit rock bottom and found God in the pit of my depression.
Through a growing intimate relationship with Jesus, I was able to start talking about what plagued me as a child.
One day, I felt like He was asking me to tell a specific friend of mine about the “games” my cousin and I played as little girls. I was terrified. But I knew God was trustworthy, and I began talking.
Turns out she had had a very similar experience and had never told anyone before. She had blocked it out of her memory. Together, we began opening up about our pasts and praying over each other. We experienced so much freedom in confession and the true fellowship that comes with honesty within a friendship with a sister in Christ.
Today, I’m here to tell you that there is FREEDOM for you if you feel stuck in and enslaved by your sexual urges and the shame that they cause.
The first step?
TALK TO SOMEONE – HONESTLY – ABOUT THE THINGS YOU ARE SHAMEFUL ABOUT.
Surprisingly, there are SO many girls and guys (seven of my friends that I have talked to so far) that have struggled with these same things. It’s just that nobody wants to talk about it. And definitely not in the church.
So ladies… let’s start talking to each other.
Watch what God does with our honesty.
What you bring into His light He will take. He will form beauty out of your ashes. Just give Him a chance. He wants you to know that He understands you, that you were young and you didn’t know what you were doing.
He has taken care of everything on the cross of Christ and you stand before him INNOCENT. PURE. SPOTLESS.
Oh, P.S. My cousin’s name?
Grace.
Want to join us & pass this along to other women in your life?
Follow Good Women Project on Twitter: @goodwomenproj
Be a fan on Facebook: facebook.com/goodwomenproject
Subscribe to our email newsletter for insider updates here or subscribe to the blog here. Or both.
We average 25,000-40,000 hits a week. Want to advertise here? You can.
I thought I was alone in this. I have almost the exact same story. Playing “house” with a close friend that went too far-we were only 9. Started masturbating when I was 7. Watched porn for the first time when I was 11. Quickly progressed to erotic literature. I never told anyone until I met my husband and some of it I didn’t tell him until after we were married. I remember never thinking I was a good girl. He’s helping me over come that but it’s hard and is a everyday process.
Thank you for helping me feel like I’m not alone after all.
November 23, 2011 at 9:24 am
T, you are very welcome.
Truth sets people free. It's so wonderful the way that God has designed it that way. I am so grateful to hear that you have such a wonderful husband that is helping you walk through these things. It is wonderful to hear encouraging words from the closest person to you about your identity. I had a man in my life that helped me see myself as pure again. It wasn't until I started truly seeking God for HIS words of love for me that I was truly healed. It is definitely a process. I am praying for you, girl! YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
November 23, 2011 at 2:31 pm
Wow. That's… touching. Glad to know I wasn't alone in this. Through the Lord I have been set free. Thank you for sharing your story!
November 23, 2011 at 10:10 am
You are welcome, Tara! Imagine if we all start sharing our stories, how many women would be set free. I think God wants us to start speaking up more often
Thanks for the comment. You are definitely not the only one.
November 23, 2011 at 2:33 pm
I grew up with a similar experience, playing "house" with my cousins. Ever since, anytime children play house, I would be horrified, thinking they were doing the same thing. And you never know. I'm glad you have been redeemed, and I feel I have as well. I just hope and pray for the same for the thousand others out there.
November 23, 2011 at 11:04 am
Yes, I remember feeling anxiety when my little cousins or sister would go play with their friends. It is a crippling thing to go through, and it takes a process of honesty, prayer, and confession to trusted friends. Most of all though, I would encourage anyone with a similar background to go straight to God and ask him how HE feels about them…Receive his grace for you…DAILY.
You are his lovely little girl. Pure and spotless.
November 23, 2011 at 2:35 pm
I thought I was practically alone with those memories, too. Thank you so much for your transparency and advice. I needed to read this.
November 23, 2011 at 11:59 am
D, You are so welcome. As you can see by all of these comments, you are definitely not alone!
Be encouraged to know that so very many other women have similar stories. Perhaps some of your closest girl friends. I will be praying for you to have the courage to open up and hide behind the cross and grace of Christ when sharing with trusted friends.
November 23, 2011 at 2:37 pm
Such a great post! Thank u for sharing ur heart with us
“But I knew God was trustworthy, and I began talking” – such powerful words that touched me, thank u!
November 23, 2011 at 2:06 pm
I, you are welcome! I am so overjoyed that what I went through could encourage others.
November 23, 2011 at 2:38 pm
i have struggled with this secret and shame of the same occurrence that happened when I was about nine. Thank you for sharing.
November 23, 2011 at 2:11 pm
To the ladies who have had similar experiences, I am so grateful that God is moving in your heart through my story. I would encourage you to speak up to your most trusted girl friends about it and ask for prayer. One of the most powerful things that has happened to me was my girlfriends coming along side of me in prayer and declaring the Cross of Christ over all of the events of my childhood and all of the events that stemmed from the shame of it all. The power of the cross is greater than the power of shame and death. You WILL heal, God's will is that you would. Be open, honest, and remember that it is NOT your fault. It is a very common occurrence for young girls. All has been paid for on the cross. You are forgiven and pure. Seek Christ, and the shame will fall away and freedom will be in its place.
November 23, 2011 at 2:26 pm
Another who has bore the burden of this shame. So relieved that I am not alone. Thank you, and thank You.
November 23, 2011 at 3:16 pm
I NEVER thought anyone else would have this story. I think what makes me more ashamed is that my childhood sexual sin didn't stem from anything I can remember–I had a number of sexual encounters with my female friends as a young 6 year old, not realizing what I was doing but knowing it was wrong. Praise God, He redeems. I have been redeemed from lesbian acts as a child, addiction to masturbation, and a strong attraction to erotica. I feel shame when recounting these things, but I know I am made clean by the blood of Jesus. He died for my sin. Shame is no longer my portion! Praise Him, O my soul. To God be the glory.
November 23, 2011 at 5:49 pm
Hey, love! I am glad my story was able to make you feel less alone. I just want you to know that I believe your childhood sexual encounters DID stem from something. The brokenness of the world we live in. Think about what a sexually charged culture we are engulfed in. Images of sex are everywhere, and it infects even the safest of places. It is NOT your fault. It is very common for children to explore sexuality out of curiosity. Know that God is NOT surprised by what you did, and he is NOT disappointed in you. He knows you were young and did NOTHING intentionally wrong. If you still feel shame, I would encourage you to throw yourself into the grace of God at the cross of Christ. Ask him for a revelation of his grace for you and specifically for the things that happened when you were young. <3 much love. There is so much freedom in talking about these things. I'd encourage you to find a trusted sister or two and begin sharing and praying for more freedom and healing. Much love!
November 23, 2011 at 8:24 pm
Thank you for sharing your story. I, as many have posted on here didn’t know there were others that went through this in childhood. I blocked it out for the longest time up until the last year when I started growing in my faith. All I wanted to do was ask someone close to me what was wrong with me that caused me to have that behavior and although I’m still not comfortable talking to anyone close to me about it, it is very comforting to know there are other women out there who know exactly what it feels like. Again, thank you for sharing!
November 23, 2011 at 8:03 pm
Ashley, I am so thankful you have found some comfort in knowing you are not alone. There are so many women that have had similar experiences, and I wouldn't be surprised if even one of your close friends have had a similar experience. What helped me share my story was the realization that God was not disappointed in what I had done, and that he had taken care of the shame of it on the cross. It was never his intention for us to live in such a sex-saturated culture that evokes so much shame. He understands you, my love. He knows you and holds NOTHING against you. It is VERY common for this to occur in a young woman's life. I would encourage you to speak up to at least one trusted sister in Christ that sees you as He does…pure and spotless, completely covered and made right with God. I will be praying for courage for you to begin talking about this with trusted sisters and receiving prayer. <3 There is so much freedom for you, dear one! Honesty sets us free. Many women will be blessed by your story just like you were blessed by mine. Remember, you were young and didn't know what you were doing. People that I talk to have SO much grace for my story…I've never been looked down upon for sharing it. I doubt you will either. Much love!
November 23, 2011 at 8:30 pm
Your courage is just breathtaking. I have experienced something like this when I was younger at sleepovers. My sexuality felt hyper and forced as a 9 year old girl. I don't look at it as something that was my fault entirely, being a child you don't really know what your actions mean, but I do carry a lot of shame with it. I don't see myself telling anyone this in person, it's just too embarrassing and people may not understand but you know, when God calls on your heart, it's twice as hard to refuse Him. Even talking about it now is not that difficult because my mind has erased the emotions associated with the event. It's something I've simply refused to remember. I'm not sure if that's good or bad.
I am so sorry you had to see and experience your father's addiction to porn. That is one of the worst things that can happen to a young girl, it's really tragic and I hope you have found some peace now. My heart goes out to you.
November 27, 2011 at 4:27 am
Kelsey,
thank you for the response! the courage is definitely just a result of God's goodness and experiencing the power of confession in my own life. I totally hear you. It is definitely uncomfortable to think about opening up to people about something you did so long ago and have blocked out of your memories. I definitely can't deny the power of confessing these things to my trusted girl friends. It is incredible to see and receive the grace that comes after you confess something like this. It is my strong conviction that God has designed us to live in community and confess our slip ups and embarrassing moments to each other. He calls it "Living in the Light." When we bear no secrets before at least one person, we live in complete "unbroken fellowship" with them. It is the most rich a relationship can be, and relationships like that are in God's design for us. They enrich our lives, and help us walk into new levels of healing we never thought we could obtain (and couldn't without the cross of Christ fighting our every battle for us.) I encourage you to take that step and talk about it in person with someone. <3 Speaking things out of the shadows of your heart and into the light is never unacknowledged by God. He will bless it. Much love to you.
1 John 1:7
But if we [really] are living and walking in the Light, as He [Himself] is in the Light, we have [true, unbroken] fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus Christ His Son cleanses (removes) us from all sin and guilt [keeps us cleansed from sin in all its forms and manifestations].
November 28, 2011 at 3:49 pm
I cannot express my thanks to you for being so open and honest about your childhood. I can honestly say, as so many others have, that I truly thought I was alone in this. I sent Lauren an email the other day sharing my complete story, and it was the first time I have ever shared it with anyone. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. But reading your story, and with mine being almost identical, I felt hope. Hope that made me want to share with someone, even if it's not someone I know personally. I think I am getting to the point where God is going to have me share with my closest, most trusted friend. And I am so nervous and frightened. I know that so many other women are in the same situation and have gone through the same difficult journey, but I feel so much guilt and so much shame and I am having such a hard time believing that anyone could ever love me or forgive me for what I have done. Thank you so much for sharing and for igniting something inside of my heart that longs to be open and clean and freed from this.
November 30, 2011 at 2:01 am
I'm wondering if any one experienced things like this with siblings both male and female when they were younger? I'm afraid to talk about my situation but I feel like if there were more people out there that have had to deal with this I might be able to open up a bit more.
December 5, 2011 at 10:13 pm
Fran, just the fact that you have commented on this shows that God is doing something miraculous in your heart. I would encourage you to continue to allow him to bring your past into the light. It will bring so much healing. This I know from experience. And, as a matter of fact, I do know three particular people that have similar experiences that you did with siblings of both sexes. It is more common than you think. There is a book, free, online called "The Sexual Lives of Children" if you'd like to read more on the subject. Parts of it are REALLY liberal, but there is a lot of information in there that I think should be common knowledge. I have a radical way of looking at things like this, and it is my firm belief that we should no longer be kept chains by shame and begin opening up about these experiences that are extremely commonplace, just taboo to talk about. Much love and I will be praying for you.
Love, the writer
December 10, 2011 at 10:14 pm
For 80% of this article, I felt like you were writing my life story. Until very recently, I had thought that I was completely alone in my struggle with porn and masturbation. Through stories like yours, I have come to a deeper awareness of the sad state of the Christian world, and how unspoken-ly forbidden it is to mention these things. I wish I had the courage to talk about my past with a friend, but honestly I'm worried that they'll be scared away…
January 6, 2012 at 6:17 pm
Wow. I just discovered this website and I'm glad I read this post. I've been feeling for a couple of months now like i need to open up to someone about a very similar sexual experience I had at age 7 with my best friend that's left me feeling guilt for the last 20+ years. It was a one time thing, but I always felt like I had a dark secret after that, and i spent hours and hours of my childhood locked in my bedroom after that – fantasizing, figuring out masturbation, and acting out sexually by myself. I felt like I could never tell anyone or I'd be considered a freak. So I spent years withdrawn from people and not allowing myself to open up emotionally, ever. Finally by God's grace I'm working on sharing my past and my emotions with others. I'm glad you shared your story because it helps the rest of us find the courage to share ours.
January 20, 2012 at 2:12 am
I engaged in sexual acts with a male cousin and a female best friend for many years when I was younger. When both of them lost interest and moved on, I felt very hurt by them, and it led me to seek those pleasures and feelings from anyone or anything I could get them from. I participated in pornography, masturbation, promiscuous sex, drugs and alcohol. I am now 23 years old, have a son, and have given up the drugs and alcohol, but I still struggle with those feelings and being tempted to watch porn and masturbate. I haven't been set free from those strongholds and am too afraid to talk with someone in person about it.
February 28, 2012 at 1:08 pm
Thank you so much for this honest sharing! I'm still struggling to find the 'right' girl-friend to confide in about these masturbation acts that I feel so shameful and guilty and disturbed about… I'm so terrified of the possibility of them not wanting to be my friend anymore after knowing this dirty secret >< i just don't know how to open up to my closest girl-friends cos to me, they all seem too innocent to have any encounter with masturbation and porn and it just doesn't feel like they would understand.. but thanks so much too to everyone who has commented cos this is really the best proof and consolation that we are indeed not alone in facing this. I pray for everyone who is in the same situation to be able to find someone they can open up to. and can i just ask for you who is reading this to please pray for me to encounter such a person who i can confide in honesty about my acts soon? thank you :')
March 22, 2012 at 7:12 am
I am so thankful for coming across this post. Not only has it helped me feel like I am not alone, but I also see that it has helped other people in feeling closer together! Thank God for this person and this website!
March 23, 2012 at 12:48 am