They Do Exist.

What I Learned About Porn, Secrets, & Shame In 2011

Editor’s Note: Today’s post was written by Elsie. What we keep in the dark, eats at our hearts. For 2012, make a resolution to spill your secrets to someone you trust. And if you don’t have someone you trust, resolve to pray and pray hard for that woman. It is a perfect time too, to volunteer as a mentor or request one. Check out our mentoring page. Much love, and Merry Christmas! – Lauren

I never thought that I would be the girl that got to write this story. It could turn out to be a spin-off tale about depression and loneliness and a fight so hard it almost tore my soul out. I know what it is like to feel so alone that you cry yourself to sleep every single day of the week. I know what it is like to want something so much that you will do crazy things just to get it. I know what it is like to fall in love with wrong person that your life soon becomes a living hell. I know what it is like to wear your heart on your sleeve, and that is where my story begins:

I was only eight and I remember my brother having two of his friends coming over to our place to play video games, but they soon turned out to be R-rated movies. There were times they would literally kick me out of the house to watch their ‘horror movies’. Being the little girl that was scared of monsters under the bed, of course I obliged, but after a while my curiosity got the better part of me. That is when I had my first exposure to the porn world. Soon after he left for boarding school, I knew where he hid his stuff, so it was only natural that the nosy little sister went fishing for the good stuff.

I was addicted soon enough, and I was careful enough to never get caught. I was the girl who went to church, who said enough, did enough and never got caught in any wrongdoing. And of course when it was time for my baptism, I was right there reciting those vows like I had no care in the world with the rest of my friends. Nobody knew my secret. No one could see anything wrong with what I was doing.

But things like this tend to affect one in ways that you cannot imagine. I became a recluse, because half of my time was spent in search of videos or romantic novels.  My relationship with any guys was practically non-existent because in my eyes, none of them fit the bill. None of them were as hot as those I saw in my movies ,or even came close to the tall, dark, and handsome ones in my books.

Crazy enough, it was around this time that my pastor talked to my youth group about the importance of waiting until marriage to have sex. And who was I to be left behind? I jumped right in and even had my ‘purity’ ring made. I went out a few times but they all fled when I told them I wasn’t going to sleep with them. That is when my depression kicked in. On one hand, God was tugging on my heart – and on the other I had all this stuff in my mind with no way of venting it out. Who would this little ‘miss perfect’ tell about what was really going on? I was too keen on maintaining that image that I wasn’t going to let this ‘stuff’ ruin it.

College didn’t make anything easier. Even though my hideaway was still the church, all my spare time was spent ‘researching’ ways to make sure I could keep my future husband. (Read: porn.)

The problem is that you can’t serve two masters at the same time. You will end up loving one and hating the other. I ended up blaming God that the problems I was experiencing were His fault. He was supposed to be so powerful, but I felt that He had somehow forgotten me.

I had met a guy and fallen so much in love with him, only to realize that I was the rebound from his breakup. When he left, my world came crashing down. Really. I started drinking, and my depression got worse with each passing day. I couldn’t sleep because the images I had been watching over the years began tormenting me. There were a few times I contemplated suicide because everything was falling apart. I had no one to talk to,  because I had worked so hard in pushing people away. I was tired and miserable and the guilt was eating away at my soul, chipping away at everything I once held true. Masturbation somehow became my outlet. Some crazy form of comfort.

Even when I thought He had forgotten all about me, He still knew who I was and He fought to have my heart back. Of course, I fought back like crazy, because I had vowed to never ever love again – even though He was the creator of the universe. The walls I worked so hard to build around my heart? He slowly chipped away, and now I am believing again. He has sent me amazing friends, people who have helped me get through the dark moments. Now, I can smile again. The journey to recovery is not easy and there are days I crave the feelings again – but I know that someday He will replace it with something that is genuine and that is true.

I will not fear to be alone anymore because He really is my solace, my shelter, and above all, my greatest love.

I may not be where I want to be, but I am getting there, one steady step at a time, with my Father holding my hand.


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8 Responses

  1. Fatherof4

    Did you ever find out what in porn you were hoping to find? What God-given desire did you want to fulfill in a manner outside of His will? If one doesn’t find the source of an infection, but only treats the symptom, a new symptom will appear (for you, it appeared to be drinking.)
    Based on what you wrote, it appears to be security in relationships. (This seems to be common in women – Men often seek significance from their relationships.) I haven’t quite figured out how to teach my daughters they are loved and secure regardless of what they do, but I do know as people chosen by God, there is nothing we can do or say to remove ourselves from his love. Nor will he reject us for our actions. It is only in Him in which we have our security.

    December 27, 2011 at 10:36 am

  2. I'm right there with you! I've been in similar situations and I was nodding my head while reading this. God bless you!

    December 27, 2011 at 1:05 pm

  3. Elsie – what a beautiful post. God loves you. You are beautiful in His image. And there’s a man out there, broken and holding on to Jesus, who will walk beside you on this journey. Thank you for sharing!

    December 28, 2011 at 11:03 pm

  4. lauren

    Thank you for having the courage to write this and share it – i needed to read this – and re-read and re-read it

    March 13, 2012 at 3:56 pm

  5. spokaney

    Girlfriend, I'm right here with you. I'm still struggling with porn, shame, and relationships. Just remember that the Lord can play a desire in your, and my, heart for His kingdom that is greater than any other desires our hearts may be preoccupied with.

    April 25, 2012 at 1:07 pm

    • Ashy90

      I am also struggling with those same things… it is a relief to know I am not alone in this struggle and to hear people say God forgives all things, even though we know this it is always nice to hear from others.

      July 10, 2013 at 3:32 pm

  6. ABB

    What I'm struggling with right now is how can He be holding my hand when I keep choosing sin, which separates us (right?) ? For the longest time I thought that relationship with Christ would fix my temptation but it hasn't. I want to feel unbroken.

    April 2, 2013 at 5:45 pm

  7. MarieGrace

    Thank you for sharing your heart. It never is easy to reveal a secret without knowing how people would react. I’ve joined a bible study group strictly for women who had been sexually abused. Being in the group helped me realize that the secret of porn had to be revealed; God placed it on my heart to share with them. I was afraid but God promised me he would give me the strength. Well he did. I confessed to the group one night and they embraced me. Some of them were even afraid to share their shame but God opened their hearts as well. What God revealed to me in this season was to fix my eyes on him despite what people said. I was relieved. God gave me the freedom to speak openly about my addiction and he do continues to give me courage when I share my heart of shame and darkness with others. I commend you for speaking truth and knowing that our awesome father will deliver us! You are such a strong woman, your testimony has given me hope.

    August 25, 2013 at 11:26 pm

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