Pornography: I Am Not Dirty, I Am Clean
Editor’s Note: This is our last post on pornography. It was written by Lindsey – she blogs here and tweets here. We received dozens and dozens of submissions this month, with over 50 that we were unable to publish due to time. If you sent in your story, thank you. We are holding onto it for the future. I have learned this month that we have not been alone in this. We have simply been silent. Start speaking, find community, and find abundant life. If you don’t have Dirty Girls Come Clean yet, Dirty Girls Ministries is temporarily offering our readers the book for only $6. Or you can enter our giveaway that closes tomorrow! – Lauren
I was the best Christian girl a Christian girl could be. I never hiked my Christian school uniform skirt higher than my knee, I was the best at church Bible drills, and I always raised my hand when the teacher asked for a volunteer to pray.
My parents had come from rough backgrounds, but they were doing all they could to make sure their daughter was raised right. I was protected, sheltered, and naïve. The sex talk was reduced to being handed a book about adolescence, and I knew not to ask questions about what I read. Just around the time when my hormones and my body were starting to leave girlhood, though, my school got a new transfer: a girl with plenty of answers. She told me eye opening stories of what it was like in her public school. My curiosity was insatiable. One afternoon when I was left home alone with the television, I landed on Jerry Springer’s holiday special and MTV’s raciest videos. I was intrigued and horrified by what I saw. 
Mountains of guilt changed my mood for days until I confessed to my mom what happened. I was forgiven, I suppose, but nothing was dished out. Nothing was healed.
Four years later, I was given a laptop for my high school graduation present. I had spent the last few years filling my mind with words and descriptions from Christian romance novels, and it didn’t take me long to wander into the dredges of the internet to add to my repertoire of images.
After that first confession with my mom, I was never asked about the incident again. I was the perfect child, after all, and I acted my role perfectly. I wasn’t trying to be sneaky, but I knew I needed to keep this a secret. What would people think of me if they knew, anyway?
I already knew what I thought of myself.
I am a freak.
There’s something wrong with me.
I have a guy problem. I notice other girls in ways I shouldn’t. I look at porn. And I like it. Heck, I thought girls weren’t even supposed to want sex!
Eventually, my struggle wasn’t just looking at porn, it was an addiction to everything sexual I could get my mind on. I hoarded scenes from every source and then I let my mind take everything further. In the realm of my imagination, the sexuality became even more twisted and damaging. And, there in my imagination, I was alone.
I was alone whether I wanted to be or not. I was certain no one would understand if I told them. They would just cringe at the things I’d done and try to get away from my dirtiness. I was the only one with this disease. I didn’t want to bear it alone, I wanted to get out of this cesspool, but I was scared to death of what people’s reaction would be if they knew. I was stuck.
In the throes of this downward spiral, my college held a women-only event. “Secret Struggles of Women”. I had a small hope that there would be something there that could help me, so I went. It was at this event when I first had an inkling that I might not be alone.
One of the speakers talked about how she had struggled with masturbation since adolescence. Her testimony turned my world upside down. She has a guy problem like me! Maybe I’m not the only one with this disease! Maybe I can be fixed, too!
At the end of her talk, she urged anyone in the audience struggling with lust to tell someone about it. Telling someone was the first step. “Freedom is out there,” she said. “Don’t settle for anything less.”
Gosh, did that sound amazing, but I was still certain my friends would be disgusted. They could never love me after they knew what I’d done. I decided to keep my secret safe, but left with porn in my solitude, nothing was getting better. In fact, things were getting worse. I’d gotten my first boyfriend, and we were having a heyday with our physicality. I was gaining more and more images and sensations from what my imagination did with our kisses.
Seven years into my addiction, I formed an accountability alliance with my best friend. Part of me was terrified that my secret would eventually come out, but part of me wanted to spill out my heart every time we talked. This one particular evening, I had just shut down some sexually charged videos before I walked the hall to our meeting place.
My thoughts during our conversation boiled with guilt as I lingered over what I’d just been watching. My soul squirmed and ached to finally get this hell out in the open.
Our chat led to her commenting on the lack of vulnerability on our campus. Oh boy… here it comes.
“Well… you want vulnerability? Here we go.”
And I told her.
Everything.
It seemed like I spent hours detailing the past seven years. I told her about the heartache. The guilt. Feeling like a freak. Feeling like filth. I equated myself with the scum of the earth. I was the chief of sinners. And I’d understand if she didn’t want to hang out with me anymore.
When I finished, I noticed that I’d been looking ahead, away from her the whole time, Now that everything was laid bare, I didn’t want to look her in the eye. All I could do was hang my head in shame. When curiosity finally won the battle and I looked at her face, I saw sorrow, pain, tears, and then two arms flinging themselves around me.
Holy crap. She’s hugging me?!
The first wall of my prison came crashing down in that moment as my tears wet her t-shirt.
Since that evening, more chains have been broken. I’ve gone through counseling, and I’ve been blessed with seasons of sobriety. I’ve told more people my story, and it has only ever been met with grace, respect, sometimes tears, and always love. Each time I’ve shared, my addiction and the fear of rejection has lessened. My final semester at college saw me giving my testimony before 50 other young ladies at another “Secret Struggles” gathering. Having three girls come to me thanking me for telling them they aren’t alone, that was the most humbling and rewarding experience I could have ever hoped for.
As I have been told, and as I told them, may I tell you now? There is freedom for you! No matter where you’ve been, freedom is being offered to you right now.
The purest freedom comes from Jesus. He has been teaching me that I’m not identified by my actions. I am not my addiction or my sexual confusion! I’m not dirty; I am clean! Covered by the blood of Christ, I am a beautiful creature on her way to perfect healing.
I still mess up and allow myself to be coaxed back to the horror of lust, but Jesus’ offer of endless grace continues to win my heart again and again. And I know now that I’m never alone.
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Wow. thank you for sharing this. Your story is almost exactly like mine, except I haven't been able to tell anyone yet. Your story has helped me realize that I need to do so to come to full healing….. hopefully one day I will be able to share my story with someone else.
November 30, 2011 at 9:16 am
I'm so thankful and so blessed that I discovered GWP. This month has opened my eyes and my heart so much. It has been difficult reading everyone's stories, but it's truly a comfort to know that I am not alone. Thank you so, so incredibly much for sharing.
December 1, 2011 at 12:15 am
Thanks so much for this post, Lindsay! It's so freeing to know that I'm not alone.
April 12, 2012 at 11:19 pm
God GAVE us sexual feeling to enjoy. Lust is a gift. Enjoy it.
I really don’t understand why our culture makes sexual feelings and masturbation “evil”
May 4, 2012 at 11:27 am
i agree with chris. if god made us in his image than sexual desire and cravings are in his image as well. religions spend sooooo much time and effort into stopping it that they have to brain wash there children just like the person who posted this comment above. she felt like a freak for a natural normal thing. besides the catholics are in the pyramid of the satanic higherarchy. the idea that sex was a bad thing originated from the catholics. i am a very strong beleiver in god. not even a gun to my head could ever change that. the problem is how porno is made in the modern day. if they made just plain old sex and oral videos without any choking dirty nastyness then porno would not be a problem.
May 9, 2012 at 9:35 pm
First, I want to thank Lindsey for having the courage to come forward and talk to your friend, and then years later, write about your broken chains here. You are certainly not alone, as you know, and healing for many begins with the transparency of one.
To Chris and "Some Guy", I can understand why you might feel the way that you do about sexual desires and lust being normal, or natural, or even a gift. In a certain sense, sexual desires are all of the above. But that certain sense is what makes all the difference. You can't possibly understand why Christians view lust as a sin problem without first understanding where that truth comes from. You see, we have two sources of information at our disposal from which to draw our definitions of right vs. wrong: God, and then everywhere and everything else. When you fall in Love with Jesus Christ, you will allow Him to lead you through His teachings, and your sense of right and wrong will change from a subjective, personalized and worldly depiction (usually based on what feels good) to one that is grounded in God's Truth. You will be surprised by how many things you once thought were good, or okay, are actually really harmful and toxic to the body and soul.
You are right in stating that we are made in God's image– that is absolutely true. Even Jesus, the Son of God, understood our fleshly temptations and was tempted while He was here on earth. But He withstood that temptation and prayed, and satan fled each and every time. Because Jesus, being God, understood what was good for men and women and what was bad. And He has used the Bible to teach us very clearly about what is right vs. what is wrong. More importantly, God taught us this because He LOVES us and wants to have a deep and meaningful relationship with us. He wants us to understand what is evil so that we can stay away from it and draw closer to Him. But all relationships require personal choices and decisions to be made… that is how relationships grow and flourish. And it is also how they can fail.
(Continued below)
January 26, 2013 at 9:58 pm
God has blessed us with autonomy, meaning that He has given us the ability to make our own choices. He has done this because He wants us to choose Him. To choose life, and love, and goodness. But there are other choices that we can make… choices that break God's heart. There are evil forces all around us trying to tempt us to do what is wrong while telling us that it is right. We all have a common enemy, and that enemy is satan. Satan exists and thrives on one purpose only: to destroy God's people. So satan, and all of his workers/demons, attempt to destroy people one by one with lies, deception, and pervasive half-truths that might look reasonable and accurate, but they are actually very destructive.
One of those biggest lies that satan has convinced mass populations of is the lie that lust is okay, that it is natural and that if it makes you feel good and doesn't hurt anyone, then it isn't wrong.
But the biggest part of this lie, is the part that you can't see. It's the reality that lust DOES hurt you and the person that you are lusting after, AND it can hurt other people in addition to that. But the enemy wants you to believe that it is okay because he wants to destroy you, and use you to destroy others. He uses his deceptiveness to convince you that it is ok. But guilt and shame will always follow sin… even if it doesn't happen for years to come. It WILL happen. In fact, so many people in the world suffer from depression and they think that it is always caused by some type of chemical imbalance. While that is the case for some people, a very frequent cause for depression is actually guilt and shame that people don't recognize as such because they are ignoring the inherent values that God has placed in us and listening to satan's lies. They are trapped in a vicious cycle: emptiness leads to sin, sin leads to guilt, guilt leads to shame and more emptiness, more emptiness leads to more sin in an attempt to fill the void… and so on. And then people hit rock bottom…
And sometimes, that is the best place to be. Because so many people see God for the first time when they have finally reached a point when they have nothing left to cling onto. Their emptiness has given them such desperation, that they are finally willing to give God a chance to teach them a new way of life.
(Continued Below)
January 26, 2013 at 9:58 pm
I know that this is a long response to what you might have considered to be simple comments on a post. But your simple comments contain so much evidence of satan's pervasiveness, and I was compelled by God to tell you the Truth. And share with you something that you might not know. So here goes: You, yes YOU, were created in such fine detail by the God of the universe, and He Loves you more than you could ever possibly know or contain. You are so important to Him, and He longs for you. He wants you to call on Him. He wants to be your father, your best friend, your everything. And He wants to protect you from all the things in this life that can harm you, so He has provided avenues for you to escape such things. He has provided written instructions for you to follow in the Bible. He has provided loving people for you to walk with in the Church… are they perfect people? No. Are they always going to be friendly and loving? No. Because we are all sinner and we are all imperfect. BUT- with Christ, we can walk the Loving, pure paths that God designed for us long before we were born.
I pray for each one of you, my precious sisters and brothers, and I ask that God will shine His Light upon you and plant seeds of Truth in your hearts. I pray that this Truth will grow when you are ready, and that you will sprout up to become His most prized instruments of Love and Grace. I pray that YOU will realize how beautiful you are, just as you are. Your every detail is perfect to God- though the world may tell you otherwise. I pray that your ears be fixed on His voice, not the slithery lies of satan. I pray that your eyes shall see the reflection of God's Beauty in all things. And I pray a special blessing over your feet. Yes, your feet. I pray that when the enemy attacks and tempts you to sin, that your feet shall respond with flight as your spirit responds in prayer. And God will deliver you from the enemy and satan will flee from you as he fled from the Son of God who resisted him.
The Love of the Lord Most High be with you and bless you on your way. Thank you for taking the time to read this response. I delight in knowing that God has used my hands to type this message.
January 26, 2013 at 9:59 pm
Thank you so much. It is a relief to know I am not alone. Thank you.
October 15, 2013 at 8:38 am