They Do Exist.

Let’s Talk About Sex: He Is Touch

Editor’s Note: I wish I had read this 5 years ago. My love language is physical touch, and in my desperation for “touch” I have sacrificed much. As did Amanda. The story she shares about her experience with touch, sex, & God is healing. Amanda blogs here and tweets at @runninmandy. – Lauren

“I am Touch.”

The statement ricocheted through me like an earthquake.

I stood in the upper row weeping. Tears from the years seeped through my eyes and my soul.

God is Touch.

To understand the weeping I will have to be very transparent. I accepted sex when I wanted love. As you pick your chin up at the boldness of that statement, stay with me.

I grew up in a home that was devout, substantial, and tried their best. My parents were not by nature “affectionate,” but intricate to my personal DNA, I longed for touch.

So, at the age of 15 I became sexually active. And it began. Accepting sex as a replacement for love.

For the record, I have had 4 sexual partners and full sexual relationships were only with my husbands. Not exactly promiscuous by society’s standards, but damaging and ultimately soul shattering none the less.

Our sexuality is linked with our soul. It is the ultimate giving of our most vulnerable self as a gift to another. I was vulnerable with those that were not able to mirror my vulnerability, and protect me.

I received sex when I wanted love. I wanted intimacy. I traded my sexuality in a desperate attempt to connect with unavailable intimacy. It didn’t (and doesn’t) work.

But that night, in a moment that I will never forget and possibly never fully comprehend, I healed.

HE is touch.

I did not, and do not need touch outside of Him.

I cannot adequately do this wrecking of my soul justice, except to say I was instantaneously healed of the need for what I had come to know as “love.” For “touch” in a unhealthy manner.

I grasped and received the revelation that “He is.”

There are no words to describe the sacredness of this divine interruption: I was freed. I am free.

He is Touch.

No longer must I accept sloppy human leftovers to my broken soul from other broken souls. Humanity cannot provide what we were created to fill with Him. It’s a sacredness. It’s “Touch” that can only be felt when administered by THE lover of our soul.

He. Is. Touch.


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7 Responses

  1. Miranda Hartrampf

    This post was so beautiful and i just can't describe how close i feel to this post. Thank you!

    July 5, 2011 at 2:26 am

  2. kks

    I will have to noodle on this post b/c touch is certainly something I'm longing for, but as a singleton am having to do without, so in a way it feels cruel or that God is withholding a good gift, yet His word says that is not in His character.

    this line in particular – "I did not, and do not need touch outside of Him." – is one that I would really appreciate a fuller explanation and exploration. God created touch and human connection, not to mention the science supporting the power of human touch, so how can we truly live a life without physical/sexual touch and be satisfied rather than what I do, which is daily battling the desire to get it on my own terms. It's a battle I've been facing for the past 7 years of my adult life and have wondered if freedom in this area is truly possible.

    July 5, 2011 at 1:15 pm

    • rcj

      we do need human companionship and touch, but we do not need sexual companionship and touch. even paul in 1 corinthians 6 and 7 talks about how it would be best if we remained like him and remain single and never have sex…ever. i think what he is getting at is that sexual touch and companionship isn't the ultimate form of intimacy and love. it is just one area of it. our relationship with god is the most important in life and having relationship and companionship with our brothers and sisters in christ is important, but a sexual relationship is not.

      i am learning this right now…my husband just confessed to a 20 year sex addiction. he has cheated on me multiple times in our 8 year marriage. we are both committed to seeing if things can be worked out. we are in counseling, support groups, etc. i have learned more about sex in the last 10 weeks than i have in my entire life. and what everyone keeps saying over and over is that sex is not that big of a deal. it's not that important. it's a bonus that some people get in life, but it is not a necessity. it is not food, water or air. it's just sex.

      think about married couples in which one spouse becomes terminally ill, and they no longer can have sex. is their marriage over? no! is it okay for the healthy spouse to seek out sex from someone else or to be selfish and pleasure him/herself? no! sex is not that important. intimacy and love between spouses does not revolve around sex. sex is not the ultimate form of love and intimacy.

      our society would like us to believe that sex is that important, but god didn't intend it to be that way. intimacy with him and relationship with him is the most important thing for us. when we get that right, we will be okay in whatever life he calls us to…married or single…sex or no sex.

      sorry for the book. :) this is just what my life is about right now.

      July 9, 2011 at 10:26 am

      • kks

        incredibly insightful and illuminating. thank you so much for taking the time to share.
        I've often thought of couples – or perhaps one day being part of a couple – where one of us is unable for some reason (accident, medical issue, etc) to engage in a physical relationship, and how difficult it would be, yet would be an area where God says He is enough. And that truly supports the notion that sex is not the ultimate form of intimacy. I guess this is evidence I've been too influenced by the secular world rather than letting God inform me.

        I also appreciate you mentioning what is happening in your marriage; a very dear friend of mine is going through the same thing (both are believers) and it breaks my heart.

        July 18, 2011 at 4:07 pm

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  4. Leah

    Those last three sentences were powerful.

    August 2, 2011 at 3:12 pm

  5. Pingback: two fold: sexual healing and restful soul « These Lovely Bones

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