They Do Exist.

Sex, Honeymoons, And Things I Didn’t Know

Editor’s Note: This month, we are tackling the topic of sex. We’ll be sharing our stories on sex – from addictions, abuse, pornography, honeymoons, marriage – all of it. The good and the bad. Haley from Tiny Twig shares what she didn’t know about sex, the honeymoon, and all things related. She blogs here and tweets at @thetinytwig. – Lauren

Husband and I met when I was 16. I felt deep down that things were different with him, even though I didn’t have enough sense to know the weight of that insinuation. We met on a Youth Group retreat–and how cliche, except that I had never gone on a trip like that before. See, he was a born and bred “church boy”…and I? Well, I was brought up in a home where Sundays were for washing cars and doing yard work. The Easter Bunny lorded over Easter and I was always confused as to why Christmas Carols had nary a mention of Santa. Our childhoods were worlds different, even though only a few miles apart.

When we met, Husband was drawn to the fact that I was “different” than the girls that he knew from his private Christian school. And, for my part, I was drawn to the fact that he was honest and true. There weren’t games with him. I didn’t feel used or like somehow the joke was on me like I did with guys I knew from the past.

The same weekend I met my Husband I coincidentally really met God. It was like the quote from C.S. Lewis of his conversion, “When we set out I did not believe that Jesus is the Son of God, and when we reached the zoo I did.” I joke if we had met one week later, I would have been too “goody-goody” for my husband and he wouldn’t have stood a chance because I would have been too busy “dating Jesus”. Oh, man.

Well, a few years later found us still dating and attending the same Christian university. It was there that I heard the well-meaning lie that would color my views on sex for years to come.

A handsome preacher with a southern drawl was speaking to the student body during Chapel, his credentials and authority on sex being that he was a man and he was a “Man of God”. In an effort to combat the encroachment of culture and make sex seem so utterly and completely worth waiting for, Christians can unintentionally spin lies of their own.

His was, “Don’t bother packing anything for your honeymoon. You don’t need clothes. You just need a jumbo pack of Gatorade to stay healthy for all the amazing sex you’ll be having. You can get dehydrated you know.”

Having been dating my someday Husband for 3 years, I desperately wanted to believe that the sex we were waiting for would be the unicorn-like experience I had been promised.

And. Sex was good. Sex was intimate and bonding in all the ways I think Scripture intended. But, it wasn’t a sweat-drenched, strobe light, made for movies, all day marathon on the kitchen table I had been led to believe it would be by all the well meaning married Christians I knew. As I get further into marriage, I realize, that’s not bad.

However, it would have saved a lot of frustration if I wasn’t sold a false bill of goods by a well-meaning, Matthew Mcconaughey look-alike, southern preacher. I felt like something was wrong with our marriage because every night wasn’t fireworks, throbbing music, and banging headboard.

Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me:

*Slipping that ring on his finger doesn’t make you an instant sex-expert. Don’t get frustrated that he hasn’t become one either. Learn each other…you have a lifetime to figure it out. Sex doesn’t have to be amazing at first. Don’t let that get you discouraged. Stick with it. Stay open to your spouse.

*Don’t let bad habits form in the early days of your marriage. They can be difficult to break. Those habits don’t have to be “sinful” or awful, but things like not speaking up about what you like and not being emotionally present need to be dealt with and worked through, not ignored.

*Deal with the hangups you have about sex (and EVERYONE has some…) consistently as you go. Don’t stuff them down. They only amplify, they don’t go away.

*Be sexy. Discover what you think is sexy.

*Sex is a marathon…but not in the gatorade-at-every-turn kind. It is a marathon with changes of seasons, ebbs and flows, victories and challenges. It is beautiful, just like all of creation.

*It gets better and better, just like any great story.
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14 Responses

  1. Suzie

    You capture the real reason why waiting until marriage is so wonderful–commitment and time to work things out.

    July 2, 2011 at 4:29 am

  2. My husband and I also waited until marriage, and I couldn't agree more with you! Thank you for such a great post!

    July 2, 2011 at 12:54 pm

  3. Being single, thanks for the real advice! I’ve had my suspicions about all those Christian statements on sex for years. But from what you’re saying, it sounds more beautiful and more fulfilling than all the movies, the books, the empty promises. Thanks for this.

    July 2, 2011 at 4:10 pm

  4. oh thank you thank you thank you. my husband and i also waited until we were married, and although i wouldn't change that decision for the world, it brought on challenges i wasn't quite expecting. while i certainly don't want to blame an entire institution — i'm sure i'd have my own hangups anyway — but i believe the church has done its singles a disservice in its approaches to sex and intimacy. i appreciate your honesty, and i love that you reminded us that sex is indeed beautiful and powerful but perhaps not in the ways we all expected. thanks again.

    July 6, 2011 at 9:18 pm

  5. Ditto the comments already posted. We also waited until marriage (though I had a past and he didn't). I'm so grateful we did. It's certainly more fulfilling to be married to the man in my bed. We are learning a lot together,-and it's definitely NOT like the movies. Thanks for the post on this important topic.

    August 5, 2011 at 3:19 pm

  6. Thanks for being so honest and transparent about sex and intimacy in marriage! God's command to wait is not arbitrary. I pray that God will keep me faithful to Him and to the spouse I have not yet met.

    October 13, 2011 at 2:50 pm

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  8. Megan W.

    Thank you for posting this!!! I wish the church would communicate your message rather than "once you're married, sex is easy" or "sex is BAD, so don't do it until marriage!!!" Both messages are equally harmful. I thought all of my hang-ups would go away once I got married, but instead, they impacted my husband as well as me. It is difficult to change a lifetime of conditioning in a short time, but the beauty of marriage is, you have the time!!! Thank you again.

    May 29, 2012 at 12:06 pm

  9. sammmbam

    My fiance and I are waiting until marriage. It's really tough a lot of the time, especially because I was raised with the idea that I'd wait, and he wasn't…though he always thought he'd wait awhile before having sex. So, we screw up sometimes and I don't really know how to deal with it. How to say no. How to communicate the right thing. How to deal with our urges and such.
    Anyway, I didn't come here to say all of that. What I DID come here to say was that I often wonder…is sex really gonna live up to everything everyone says it will? Am I really going to stop feeling guilty for sexual things once the honeymoon comes? Is it really going to be an all-day kind of thing? Will we get bored? Will we get tired? Is it really gonna be worth it?
    Sometimes I feel silly, or guilty thinking those things. It's something I never talked to anyone about…but I guess that's what this place is for.

    But, anyways, thanks for posting this. I feel like I finally got a more realistic spin on all of this stuff. And I feel like some of my questions were kind of answered. It's encouraging. And now I think I'll finally talk to someone about all of this. Thank you for inspiring me to do that.

    May 29, 2012 at 9:19 pm

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  11. Really this is a great information about honeymoon. I read your blog and enjoyed very much. You are adamant believers that good women have the most fun, the best sex, and the most fulfilling lives. But you have to talk to each other about life in order to get there. Thanks for valuable information….

    April 21, 2013 at 12:39 am

  12. I'm so excited with honeymoons :) these are really great tips!

    October 5, 2013 at 8:55 am

  13. The media bombards everyone with what sells, which sometimes gives a false outlook on what reality is. Honesty and truthfulness will go a long way and it is up to what both feel and want…without pressure. ..and if you don't do it right, you will be here. http://www.attorneybryancook.com/preparing-f%D0%B

    March 13, 2015 at 5:36 pm

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