Sex: I Want It More Than My Husband
Editor’s Note: Hollywood puts sex outside of marriage on a pedestal, and Christians have done the same – but with sex inside of marriage. As Christians, we try to take sex out of our life, minds & conversations while we’re single – but expect sex to be already-perfect the day we say I Do. While Hollywood & everyone else are talking about sex every single day. This month is part of Good Women Project’s attempt to share the real stories about sex, both inside & outside of marriage. Lyssa writes about sex with her husband, and how both the world & the Church have influenced her view of herself, her sex life, & how a woman should view sex with her husband. – Lauren
I have a confession to make. I like sex. No, I take that back. I don’t just like sex, I love sex.
I crave that physical intimacy with my husband almost every day. This shouldn’t be a problem, right? I mean, that’s the way God designed me to be, right? I should feel blessed that I don’t ever have to deal with not wanting sex, right?
I did nothing wrong and everything right. I waited until I was married to have sex and now I have a high sex drive (sometimes higher than my husband’s) and instead of viewing it as a blessing, I feel like something’s wrong with me.
I feel like I’m defective. I feel guilty when I want it and he doesn’t, like I have no right to want it when he doesn’t. That as a woman I’m not supposed to love sex or want it this much. I’ve even heard someone suggest that there’s something medically wrong with me for wanting it so much.
Why can’t I want it? Why can’t I crave the very oneness with my husband my God designed me for? What’s wrong with that?
But then I get caught up again, with all the messages that I see in society about how there’s something wrong with women who enjoy sex too much and I don’t even have to tell someone else about it to feel shame.
I shame myself. I tell myself that I should even teach myself to enjoy it less; that if I could it would somehow make me a better wife, a more acceptable woman. Even though my husband has never said one bad thing about it to me and has been the most supportive husband he could ever be, I have still found myself thinking “Yeah, but I would be a better wife if he didn’t have to put up with this insane sex drive of mine.”
But it helps me when I keep open communication with him. My husband is not a mind reader – he can’t know what I’m feeling. It sounds a little silly, because of course I know he’s not a mind reader, but sometimes I treat him like he should be. So I keep open communication with him – I tell him what I’m feeling, when I want it, when I’m struggling with wanting it, and we see what we can do, how we can make things work.
And by opening up to him instead of keeping it in, he has that chance to show me his love, he has a chance to take my vulnerabilities and make me feel safe.
With his support and the strength of my Lord, who loves me dearly and created me to do this very thing, to love my husband, to crave that oneness of flesh, I’m taking a stand today. A stand that’s not easy to take, even anonymously, because I know very well that tomorrow these feelings could tear me apart again.
Because it’s a seesaw. It really is. I go back and forth between wanting to own my high sex drive and loving the fact that I enjoy and want sex so much – to feeling like I’m a shameful woman and there must be something wrong with me.
On my worst days, I’ve even cried over it. It’s a battle I have to fight every single day and you’d never know it by looking at me.
But today, today I can take a stand before you.
I want sex with my husband and I’m not ashamed of that.
I love sex with my husband and there’s nothing wrong with me.
I am exactly the way God made me and there is nothing wrong with that.
If you are like me, I want you to know: there is nothing wrong with you either.
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