Sex: I Want It More Than My Husband
Editor’s Note: Hollywood puts sex outside of marriage on a pedestal, and Christians have done the same – but with sex inside of marriage. As Christians, we try to take sex out of our life, minds & conversations while we’re single – but expect sex to be already-perfect the day we say I Do. While Hollywood & everyone else are talking about sex every single day. This month is part of Good Women Project’s attempt to share the real stories about sex, both inside & outside of marriage. Lyssa writes about sex with her husband, and how both the world & the Church have influenced her view of herself, her sex life, & how a woman should view sex with her husband. – Lauren
I have a confession to make. I like sex. No, I take that back. I don’t just like sex, I love sex.
I crave that physical intimacy with my husband almost every day. This shouldn’t be a problem, right? I mean, that’s the way God designed me to be, right? I should feel blessed that I don’t ever have to deal with not wanting sex, right?
I did nothing wrong and everything right. I waited until I was married to have sex and now I have a high sex drive (sometimes higher than my husband’s) and instead of viewing it as a blessing, I feel like something’s wrong with me.
I feel like I’m defective. I feel guilty when I want it and he doesn’t, like I have no right to want it when he doesn’t. That as a woman I’m not supposed to love sex or want it this much. I’ve even heard someone suggest that there’s something medically wrong with me for wanting it so much.
Why can’t I want it? Why can’t I crave the very oneness with my husband my God designed me for? What’s wrong with that?
But then I get caught up again, with all the messages that I see in society about how there’s something wrong with women who enjoy sex too much and I don’t even have to tell someone else about it to feel shame.
I shame myself. I tell myself that I should even teach myself to enjoy it less; that if I could it would somehow make me a better wife, a more acceptable woman. Even though my husband has never said one bad thing about it to me and has been the most supportive husband he could ever be, I have still found myself thinking “Yeah, but I would be a better wife if he didn’t have to put up with this insane sex drive of mine.”
But it helps me when I keep open communication with him. My husband is not a mind reader – he can’t know what I’m feeling. It sounds a little silly, because of course I know he’s not a mind reader, but sometimes I treat him like he should be. So I keep open communication with him – I tell him what I’m feeling, when I want it, when I’m struggling with wanting it, and we see what we can do, how we can make things work.
And by opening up to him instead of keeping it in, he has that chance to show me his love, he has a chance to take my vulnerabilities and make me feel safe.
With his support and the strength of my Lord, who loves me dearly and created me to do this very thing, to love my husband, to crave that oneness of flesh, I’m taking a stand today. A stand that’s not easy to take, even anonymously, because I know very well that tomorrow these feelings could tear me apart again.
Because it’s a seesaw. It really is. I go back and forth between wanting to own my high sex drive and loving the fact that I enjoy and want sex so much – to feeling like I’m a shameful woman and there must be something wrong with me.
On my worst days, I’ve even cried over it. It’s a battle I have to fight every single day and you’d never know it by looking at me.
But today, today I can take a stand before you.
I want sex with my husband and I’m not ashamed of that.
I love sex with my husband and there’s nothing wrong with me.
I am exactly the way God made me and there is nothing wrong with that.
If you are like me, I want you to know: there is nothing wrong with you either.
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I love it! I'm the same way. I love my husband! I love being married! I love sex!
July 14, 2011 at 1:50 am
As someone who didn't wait until marriage but is now abstinent, I completely relate. I can't wait until marriage when I can have lots of sex & enjoy without guilt. I know I'm not supposed to think about it as a single woman (which is dang hard having had it & now abstaining) and sometimes I'm even ashamed to talk about it. But God knows my heart. He knows my desires & intentions are pure even if I sometimes have trouble taking captive of my thoughts.
But do you want to know what I'm most excited about? I'm most excited about experiencing sex the way God intended it to be… in complete intimacy with my husband, while in a pure & holy relationship, while taking full ownership of the fact that God created me to be a sexual being.
Thank you for owning up to your love of sex! As a married, Christian woman, there is nothing to be ashamed of. I think if more married, Christian women owned up to it, we'd have so much more acceptance. Enjoy all the perks that God blessed you with when He brought you & your husband together!
July 14, 2011 at 2:34 am
Is it sex that you are craving or is it intimacy? I've learned that sex is not the ultimate form of intimacy. My husband and I are in recovery from his 20 yr sex addiction. We are learning that intimacy is so much more than sex. Yes, sex is great, but being intimate with my spouse does not just mean having great sex.
Our therapist's wife is a breast cancer survivor. The two of them had to go without sex for almost a year due to her cancer. They had to find other areas of intimacy besides sex.
My husband is in a withdrawal period right now for his sex addiction. It's been hard for me because I'm not the addict, yet I still have to abstain. But I am learning that I had bought into the idea that sex is the greatest way of showing and receiving love to/from my husband. I'm learning that sex shouldn't be the biggest deal. It's one form of intimacy and should be balanced with other forms of intimacy such as spiritual, emotional and intellectual. Just a thought…
July 14, 2011 at 9:31 am
rcj,
My heart goes out to you. Perhaps one of the most destructive things about sexual addiction is how it causes sex and intimacy to come unraveled when healthy sex is just brimming with intimacy. Therapist Wendy Maltz does a beautiful job of describing and contrasting healthy sex and addictive sex in her website http://www.healthysex.com.
Your therapist and his wife's journey is their own. I respect their journey and the choices they made during her cancer treatment.
I know many couples who have shared their cancer story with me. None of them removed sex from their marriage during cancer treatment. Their playlist was limited physically. Intercourse was not always available. But kissing, naked cuddles, intimate sexual talk, manual stimulation, oral stimulation, and stimulation with a toy were other options available to each couple during the physical recovery period. Even something as simple and profound as the cancer patient speaking words of love and holding their mate's hand or kissing them while their mate brought themselves to orgasm as a beautiful way to nourish and affirm their sexuality during the ordeal of cancer.
Imagine the healing power of hearing "You're mine." "I want you." "I love you." "You're still so sexy, baby." when your life and your body are under attack.
July 14, 2011 at 1:31 pm
I'm not saying that the author is wrong or anything like that for wanting sex so much. I think sex is great and wonderful if in the right context. I'm just asking if it's the orgasm or the intimacy that she is craving so much.
I completely agree that we must be intimate with our spouses. But we can't just be sexually intimate. Our intimacy must be well rounded…including sex, holding hands, saying "I love you," "I want you," and "you are beautiful", cuddling, reading together, laughing together, praying together, etc. We should be lovers but we also have to be best friends. We can't stress one more than the other. They are both just as important.
I don't think my therapist's wife was physically capable of an orgasm or helping him achieve one. Their marriage survived such a long period of abstinence because they knew that sex and orgasms were not the only forms of intimacy. They understood the "lover and best friend balance."
July 14, 2011 at 4:29 pm
Lyssa,
There is NOTHING wrong with your desire to make love with your husband. NUHTHEENNG
My namesake in the Song of Solomon owned her desire, directed her desire toward her husband, and she spoke up and told him she wanted him and told him where she wanted him to touch her.
"Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth."
"His fruit is sweet to my taste."
"Let his left hand be under my head and his right hand embrace me."
In other words, "I want you. Kiss me. Arouse me. Kissing your body gives me pleasure. Hold me this way. Touch me here."
This is godly. This is normal. This is okay. This is more than okay.
God actually goes so far as to give them an attaboy and an attagirl. "Eat O friends, drink deeply, O lovers."
He didn't say "Sip sparingly and feel guilty about it."
Rock on, sister!
July 14, 2011 at 1:19 pm
All I can say to that is a big fat A M E N !!!!!
August 11, 2011 at 11:59 am
Women who have a higher drive than their husbands seem to be on the rise in terms of statistics. Let me just tell you that there are many husbands out there that would sell their kidneys for a wife with a drive like yours. I know culture is anti-high-drive-wife, but I'm glad you were bold enough to share your positive view of married sex. Good for you! I pray that you and your husband will find a balance as you ask each other "honey, how I can I serve you, what do you want/need". Two servants serving, thats the goal. God bless.
July 14, 2011 at 2:07 pm
Thank you for sharing Lyssa!! You tackled this topic in such a beautiful way. Thank you for opening yourself to us!! It took guts. You rock!!
July 14, 2011 at 9:53 pm
I want sex with my husband and I’m not ashamed of that.
I love sex with my husband and there’s nothing wrong with me.
I am exactly the way God made me and there is nothing wrong with that.
If you are like me, I want you to know: there is nothing wrong with you either.
you said it sister!!!!
July 14, 2011 at 10:25 pm
You are soooo not alone. My sisters and I are the same way. It's hard not to feel isolated when the rest of the Christian world constantly tells you you are a minority. Don't pay attention to them. Pay attention to your husband and pass it on to your children.
July 15, 2011 at 11:33 pm
I know you love your husband so you want him to be happy & that’s great but you should think about what you want. There are times where you’ll want it & he doesn’t but there are also times when he’ll want it and maybe you wont. My point is if your in the mood then go with it. You’re not being shellfish. You’re just having fun exploring your sexual desires with a man that you’re married to. If he loves you as much as you love him & he probably does then he’ll realize this. Also women have higher sex drives than men unless your 18 years old, secondly there is no difference between whether a man wants sex more often or whether a woman wants sex more. There isn’t. You’re not doing anything wrong. Explore things that you haven’t explored before, have fun
July 16, 2011 at 9:51 am
Loving sex is natural for everyone. We all have desires and exploring that with a person you love is the greatest thing ever. The people who should be concerned are those whose relationships are so empty that everything revolves around sex. If your conversations are fulfilling, if you’re love for each other is deep, if you are best friends with each other & he is your soul mate then you have a gem. Then, you can want sex 24/7 & NEITHER of you should feel guilty. I emphasize Neither because again…. whether you realize it or not we’re all vulnerable at times. Some share those feelings and some don’t but men and women alike are uncertain at times. Although we may communicate differently in some ways, we share similar feeling inside ourselves. Those feelings are Real and you should never be ashamed of them. Be proud of them because that is what makes You. And that *you* is the woman he loves
July 16, 2011 at 11:51 am
LOVE this!!!! I am the same, I waited till marriage to have sex with my husband and we've been married almost two years now. I love my husband and I love having sex with him! Preach it sister!
July 16, 2011 at 2:15 pm
There is nothing wrong with you! You are awesome!
July 18, 2011 at 4:09 pm
there is nothing wrong with that
simply means you are ready and willing to want what your husband wants.
i was like this i got married one month ago, and im 20 this yr, and i simply went crazy over sex. and was wanting it over 4 times a day. and even though i was sore, i still wanted it xD kinda makes me more weird that ye self darl
i wouldnt worry darl, take it as a blessing, not a curse, you where designed the way you are, dont change the way you are.
and yes you wanting sex will settle down but give it some time, it took me awhile but me and my husband are finally down to not as much and im still feeling great about it.
Chin Up Missy
July 22, 2011 at 1:54 am
Im the same….for a long time i felt guilty and weird. Like he should feel lucky for a wife with a higher sex drive. But all that did was make me feel worse and make him feel inadequate. I backed off, shut my self down, and hurt him…and me…..Now I think I've got some praying to do.
Thank you for writing this. It makes me not feel alone, and like how I was, and still want to be was ok.
July 25, 2011 at 10:37 pm
Hi love!
I just wanted to stop in and say that nearly 40% of marriages consist of a wife with a higher sex drive – and things change too. Sometimes the woman has a higher sex drive and sometimes the man does, and then it can flip after ___ months or years. So please know that you are not too much, and that you are not "not enough." We are crazy intricate and complex creatures, and sex is something that can take a while to figure out. Keep talking with your husband, and I highly recommend marriage counseling. I don't know how we made it even 5 months through marriage without it. <3
- lauren xoxo
March 4, 2012 at 8:57 pm
Well said! A husband should be so blessed to have a wife who wants to make love so frequently and passionately! Marriage is designed to be a place where those desires and passions can be fulfilled in a wonderful, satisfying way–that not only honors God, but also deepens the bond and love between husband and wife.
October 13, 2011 at 4:25 pm
I've been married 40 plus years and the last 30 have been sexless and no intimacy at all. We live in the same house but our lives are like we live in 2 separate apartments. My husband refuses help and doesn't care whether I find intimacy with some one else.
I think I still love my husband ! He totally ruined my life, no kids, I'm so sad about having no kids. I'm in my 60s and alone.
November 23, 2011 at 12:41 pm
Ann my heart goes out to you. Praying.
January 30, 2012 at 12:06 pm
I have a very high sex drive. My husband does not. I have committed adultrey in the past and I am so tempted. I wish my husband hadthe desire for me like I do him. I pray that the Lord takes the desire away. I feel like the woman at the well. I have had 2 prior husbands. I am so scared.
March 4, 2012 at 5:04 am
Darling Rose.
Take all things to Jesus, and pray not for your natural love and desire to be killed off but for Jesus to bring you and your husband closer together. My heart breaks for you. I know how painful it is to feel this. I highly, highly recommend marriage counseling. Even if you don't have the money, it's worth sacrificing absolutely anything in your budget for. And talk to your husband – openly and honestly, and try oh-so-hard to keep shame and guilt and pointing fingers at bay. These things CAN change.
Much love.
- lauren xoxo
March 4, 2012 at 9:00 pm
This reads like my life! I never know weather to revel in my high dive, or worry if it will make my husband feel inadequate. What I want to know is why our culture beleives that if a man wants sex more than his wife theres no shame, but if it's the other way around they tell the poor men that means that they must not be "real men."
April 4, 2012 at 4:43 pm
I take full responsibility for that awful spelling.
April 4, 2012 at 4:44 pm
I've spoken with my husband, and it DOES make him feel inadequate – because he wants to provide for me. So now, I don't want to propose sex to him when I'm feeling the need, because it will reinforce those feelings in him. Granted, by talking about it, it's also an opportunity for him to demonstrate love to me by having sex when he isn't interested, but I still feel incredibly guilty, because it's "selfish" and then I don't enjoy it. This situation makes me feel as though it is only my problem. And the last thing I want to do is point the finger at him, when he already feels bad about it.
Ladies, what solutions have you found? Even finding a way to communicate better would be a helpful step. Would love to hear your experiences.
April 5, 2012 at 2:11 pm
I've been married almost a year now, and was a virgin before marriage. I wasn't looking forward to sex because of all the terrifying messages that pop culture and Christian media sent me as a young woman: that men are highly sexual, ravenous, hormone-driven creatures that can't help but value a woman for her body because this is how Creator God "Wired" them….
LIES!!!
I hate stereotyping. We have become a society addicted to statistics. Numbers give us satisfaction somehow even though they are almost meaningless. The truth is, everyone is unique and human beings are complex creatures. Sexuality is a beautiful thing indeed, and I remember growing up experiencing normal cravings and even having sexual dreams. God was there to guide me through it all. It is SOOOO IMPORTANT to have God as your guide through every stage of life. Otherwise we humans get pretty confused!
April 19, 2012 at 12:47 pm
(part 2) Anyway, point is, I have been married almost a year now and I LOVE SEX!!! I want as much, if not more, than my husband and more than half the time I innitiate. I love it for both the physical pleasure and also the oneness. The modern church tends to separate body and soul but that is a false concept. The ancient Hebrews understood that body, mind, and soul were all interconnected. Sex with my husband is spiritual, physical, and mentally blissful, as God intended.
And final note, I have discovered that not all men are sexual beasts as pop culture describes. Many actually desire love and a spiritual connection with their wife.
While dating my husband used to tell me, "Sweetie, I'd love you the same and marry you even if you were nothing but a floating head"
Ok, little wierd, but it hit me hard. I needed to hear that. He didn't want me for my physical-ness. He wanted to love ME for ME as God created me!
Final word of advice to this rambling comment: communication is important. Also, sex is about giving. Love is about giving. NOT GETTING. Put your spouse's priorities above your own out of love.
April 19, 2012 at 12:48 pm
Ladies, as we men age we can't perform as often as we used to. I used to be capable of twice a day in my twenties, but it did leave me with sore nuts. Anyway, now I am in my fifties and my wife knows I can only manage once every few weeks or so. For those women with a high sex drive, whose husbands cant perform as often, try buying sexy lingerie and a vibrator, which is long enough for your husband to hold. Not a huge realistic ugly thing, but slender and curved plastic, Then ask him to pleasure you, who knows you might find that your love life improves a huge amount, and if he can't join in, you can find satisfaction without having to have an affair.
May 2, 2012 at 8:24 am
As a married 62 yr old man married 40 years, I can assure you that intimacy is more important than sex. We've been in a sexless marriage for 20 years, (her choice not mine) and rarely even touch each other. But in all other areas we are compatiable and very close. I just have to take care of my sexual health and needs outside of marriage a few times a year. I find a professional service since I don't want the relationship issues of a 3rd party. I usually enjoy the time spent, but have never actually "gone all the way". Sex is like "liver & onions" to my wife. She hates it. As her husband, I would never serve her something she hates.
May 15, 2012 at 5:45 pm