They Do Exist.

I’m In Love With Sex

Editor’s Note: This post was written by Amber Louthan. She blogs here & tweets at @amberlouthan. She’s not afraid to say that she loves sex, and not afraid to share her experience. I love it. She preceded this submission by saying it’s for the single ladies, but I beg to differ. It’s truth applies to everyone. Also, Amber admits a lot of this was inspired by the book, Sex and the Soul of a Woman – and we both wholly recommend it.  – Lauren


Ah sex – Is there a more taboo subject for a twenty-nine year old, single, divorced Christian woman to talk about?

Oh well, I kind of think it’s the elephant in the room and I hate those, so I’m talking about it. If you’ve talked to me more than once, we’ve probably discussed sex. It’s kind of a big deal to me. It’s kind of a big deal period.

I spent the first year or so after my divorce trying to figure out a way that I could love and follow Jesus and also have sex outside of marriage. And I don’t mean that I casually thought it over in my head every once in a while. I argued, whined, researched, questioned and complained pretty much relentlessly.

When you are married at eighteen and divorced at twenty eight, and you live in this world at this time, not having sex seems like a non-option. Also, lets say you think sex is the bees knees and you’re used to doing it whenever you want- having to stop seems damn near impossible and the opposite of appealing. But you guys, I never figured out a way to make the concept of sex outside of marriage jive with loving Jesus.

As a matter of fact, if I was being quite honest I would say, the only thing harder than not having sex outside of marriage is having sex outside of marriage. If I were telling you about my own experience I would say it is beyond reckless and destructive. If I were sharing about my own life, I would say that I found it to be extremely harmful. If I were divulging details of my own life this is where I would get defensive and say something dumb like, “I’m a Christian so I didn’t have like, a whole bunch of unmarried sex. I just had like, a Christian amount of unmarried sex.”

But let’s keep this hypothetical and say, it might have broken my heart, stole a piece of it and left me feeling empty. And also, it separated me from Jesus.

Lucky for me, Jesus is okay with broken and empty.

I took myself to Him, put everything on pause and asked Him to help me regroup. I stopped asking Him how I was going to make it without sex and started asking Him why He wanted me to. And He answered. He is pretty good about being Himself, I just needed to turn everything off for long enough to hear Him.

And He is a big picture kind of God, so He showed me the Best Metaphor Ever. Sex is supposed to be a picture of intimacy with Him. It’s not just a fun thing He gave us to pass the time with, it’s not even just a beautiful thing that happens between husband and wife. It is an earthly, bodily representation of union with Him.

Honestly, that is all the answer I need. I mean, I really, really, really enjoy sex. I might like it enough that the threats of it eventually breaking my heart and leaving me feeling empty wouldn’t keep me from trying it again. Fear is a pretty terrible motivator. Love though, it is a phenomenal motivator. And He has revealed His Love more completely and intimately as I have given over this part of me.

Pausing and reevaluating sex and intimacy reset something in me, allowed God to do work in me that He couldn’t have done before. He not only revealed lies that I believe about sex, He showed me what it is like to be in more intimate relationship with Him. He has pointed out areas where I feared to let Him in and aspects of our relationship that I just completely misunderstood.

Because one of the main lenses I see my God through was so distorted by messy relationships and sex, it not only clouded and misrepresented sexuality, it misrepresented God and His love. In doing my best to listen to His heart for me, I have been able to really experience a revelation of His Love and grace. I realize I’m overstating this, but you guys, it’s just so wonderful.

So yes, not having sex at all outside of marriage, or doing any activity that is not honoring to God, as hokey and boring and prudish as that might sound, is where I have landed. Because it is totally not worth messing up my relationship with Jesus. I know abstinence is a foreign concept to some people. I also know there are probably some of you who are shocked that it is not where I landed immediately. Truthfully, I wasn’t actually looking to be stopped in my tracks or for a big spiritual lesson when I started asking Him why. I was mostly hoping to stop getting myself wrecked by heartbreak and loss.

My plan was to stop all sexual activity in order to keep from doing anymore physical and emotional damage, maybe even figure out how to have a more whole view of sex. His plan? To restore wholeness and redeem my soul, to give me a more whole view of Him and His love. So. Much. Better. It is immeasurably more than all I could ask or imagine.

Also, if you have any questions feel free to leave a comment. I would love to keep a dialogue going and if I can’t help you, I’ll pass your question along to an actual expert.

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27 Responses

  1. Great post. As a divorced 30 year old (married at 19, seperated at 25, divorced at 27), I was nodding my head to most of this. Life hasn't gone the way I expected or wanted it to, and I do miss sex – really miss sex, but I'm not going to let that destroy my life or my relationship with Christ.

    July 7, 2011 at 10:54 am

  2. Zac

    Great post, when I got divorced last year this was a epic battle for me as I was/am in the same boat with sex. Gods grace, a desire to follow him and lots of prayer has helped me along the way though id say i'm far from my destination…

    July 7, 2011 at 10:55 am

  3. So sorry to hear about your marriage Madeleine, that must've been really tough. I would encourage you to keep dialoguing with God about His heart for sex and intimacy, and push to confine it completely to marriage. As religious as that might sound it isn't, the Bible is just good stuff. It might feel good and right and beautiful when it happens in a loving relationship, but the truth is- Nothing can come close to sex in it's original intended context. Married sex is the bomb diggity and so much more. And in love or not, single sex is harmful to the soul. Glad to hear your on a path to discovering all He has for you.

    Love and love,

    July 7, 2011 at 11:38 am

  4. ling

    Wow! What an unabashed perspective about sex outside of marriage. I appreciate your honesty, and is probably the closest thing to exactly what I have needed to read about sex for say 9 years. My circumstances are different, but somewhat relate. And I would love your advice. I am married to the most amazing man, so very blessed its hard to understand. My deal is this- I had lots of reckless and destructive to my emotions sex before we met. I knew better, but needed to feel love, and thats how I thought to get it. Once my husdband and I met, I knew I had met my husband. He made me want to be the Godly Woman of God that was tucked away in my cant hurt me, free to be little girl self. I love sex and so does he and we have a wonderful sexual relationship. How do I let go of the guilt of my life before him, and regain the worth that I feel and have, until I think of my ways before my husband?? thank you =) lots!!

    July 7, 2011 at 12:54 pm

  5. jess

    A book you may want to read is called
    Kissed The Girls and Made Them Cry
    by Lisa Bevere.
    GREAT BOOK and she is also an amazing speaker.
    It talks about letting God put those desires to sleep and awaken them for the right times.
    Great post! So honest!
    I would recommend this book to every woman out there but especially those who have struggled in the past…. or are struggling in the present.

    July 7, 2011 at 1:38 pm

  6. LOVE this post. i love the realness in it and how it doesn't shy away from this topic. such an interesting one and one that definitely gets overlooked. and i love your twist at the end in how we look at it. thanks for a bit of fresh perspective.

    July 7, 2011 at 5:38 pm

  7. So real, so transparent. I love your words, here.

    For most people, once they've had sex, it's really hard to stop having sex. It's also been proven that people in sexual relationship are much more apt to jump to that level of intimacy in subsequent relationships. Once we've achieved that level of intimacy with another person, it's natural to want that same level of intimacy again.

    God created sex for intimate, monogamous and marital relationships. It serves as a barometer for the health of your marriage. Sometimes I fnd that really frustrating because there are so many differences between men and women. But, I think He knew what He was doing. And, when we follow His plan for sexuality, we will be the most fulfilled in many different areas of our lives.

    July 7, 2011 at 6:41 pm

  8. Pingback: Sex, Power, Pornography & Marriage: The Week In Review

  9. I very much appreciated this post. Thank you for writing it. Have you read Lauren Winner’s [Real Sex: The Naked Truth about Chastity]? Much of what you’ve written here reminds me of that excellent book.

    July 8, 2011 at 8:41 pm

  10. kks

    Oh, I just adore your honesty and willingness to share the tough road you've been down. You have such a ministry!!!!
    I'm in a very strange place spiritually/emotionally and this piece spoke volumes to me. About a year and a half ago I came out of a relationship (where we were doing everything but intercourse) that has dominated my life for the past 7 years as we've been on the relationship roller coaster, doing the "push-pull dance" as I call it. He's the only man I've ever loved and it brought immense pain to learn of his engagement only recently, as I never thought he could be with anyone but me. I'm really struggling to understand how God is allowing this and how this fits with His plan or how this is in any way loving for me. My heart is in pain daily as I wrestle with all of this and what it means.

    The very tough lesson for me has been that just b/c I am no longer physically involved with him (our physical connection was more powerful and intense than any movie you've ever seen), the memories of it and the desire remain. This is one of those cases where in hindsight I see why God told me to obey — because I never could have foreseen that the lust in the aftermath of the relationship would be such a powerful force to reckon with. Yet I chose my own path of disobedience, and now I'm desperately (mostly unsuccessfully) trying to de-program myself from the thoughts/memories/desires of physically being with him. I'm struggling to believe that I could ever connect physically that way with any other man on the planet. I'm not even sure I"d ever want to try even in the context of marriage. There's simply too much to measure up to.

    Once I read this and discovered your blog, I've been reading it like it was my lifeline in a way. You have NO idea the depths of my heart you've reached and articulated through the blog. A lightbulb went off while reading it about the size and scope of healing God wants to do in me regarding this relationship. All along I've thought I would one day wake up and not feel upset/angry/bitter about not being with the ex, but as God spoke to me while reading your blog, I realized it's so much more. He wants to move into my heart in a new way and clean it out to prepare a pure place for Him to reside. I'm learning to embrace this as I mourn the loss of the future I once thought was promised to me in marrying the man I loved (who never loved me back). Every way I look at myself as a woman has been through the lens of the ex rather than through God's eyes, despite having been a Christian for most of my life. And I've never measured up.

    Thank you for being open about your journey; it gives me immense hope to carry on and run this race.
    Longing for the truth to set me free…

    July 8, 2011 at 10:27 pm

  11. It sounds like you're going through a really tough time with this break up. When we connect on very intimate levels in relationships we create soul ties and breaking them is generally very painful. I highly recommend checking out Freedom classes.

    You can listen or watch online. They've been EXTREMELY helpful for me.
    Thanks so much for all of the encouragement. Glad you connected with some of my story and are seeking out His will for yours.

    Love and love,

    July 9, 2011 at 3:53 pm

  12. (sigh) Oh my God.
    Thank you, Amber. Just thank you.
    I'm in a unique predicament in that I experienced a sexual and spiritual awakening as a married woman five years ago. Way back in the day, there were no sex-positive God positive blogs, so I started mine. Two and a half years ago, my husband chose to have sex with another woman and it ended our marriage. This was of course devastating to me as a woman and wife and horrifying to me since my ministry had been helping other women to embrace their sexuality and enjoy their husbands. And then my husband had sex with another woman while he was married to me. Words cannot describe the humiliation.

    Today, I live with a gratitude and joy I would have never believed possible. God has re-validated me after I was betrayed by man. But I will tell you. My erotic spirit was bruised by my husband's sin, but my erotic spirit did not disappear. Do I want a good man to recognize affirm and celebrate my sexuality, my erotic spirit? Bet your boots! I so want that! BUT he won't make my erotic spirit exist. Only God and me did that together. My man will just have the good sense to recognize it. He won't make my sexuality real. I'm real now.

    My sexuality is real, valid, legit, my eroticism is alive and well. Right now. And I sleep alone every night.

    I agree with you. Celibacy is so much harder and so different the second time around. So different to be a 19 year old virgin who does not know what she is missing than to be a 39 year old woman who knows exactly what she is missing. There is no way I can say enough in a comment. I've been blogging about this for more than a year. I will say that I would have never made it to this point without being willing to embrace every aspect of myself and be fully transparent before God.

    It's very special what you shared Amber. A shared experience is such a gift to take away the aloneness of someone else who sighs and says "me too." Thank you so much.

    July 11, 2011 at 3:31 pm

  13. Ok…so ur post spoke deeply to me today…which this was something that has been on my mind lately….God bless u on ur journey !!!

    Much love from Brazilll ;)

    July 18, 2011 at 2:23 pm

  14. evermind

    "Sex is supposed to be a picture of intimacy with Him. It’s not just a fun thing He gave us to pass the time with, it’s not even just a beautiful thing that happens between husband and wife. It is an earthly, bodily representation of union with Him. "
    I really, really needed to read that. It hit me, it convicted me, it sparked something in my mind.
    Thank you so much, Amber. I wish this truth about what sex really is was taught more often because I don't think I've ever heard it put that way before. But now that I can see what sex truly is, how could I ever accept anything less than a picture of intimacy with God? I know this truth will help me in struggles to come. Thank you.

    July 21, 2011 at 1:04 am

  15. What an honest and real post! Thank you for sharing! I'm a 25 year old virgin who has had her dark times where she fooled around with the "line" of intimacy. I'm grateful that I didn't full cross the line particularly because recently I started talking to a man that I am very interested in and if I was to get married to him (or any man who becomes my husband) I'm glad that we can experience the God ordained intimacy. At 25 with my past "experience" I do know how hard it is because I know better where the "boundary" is and it's hard to want more and refrain. I'm glad to hear people tell it like it is.

    August 13, 2011 at 7:31 pm

  16. Jemima

    I discovered a material, that proves that sex is truly an early representation of intimacy with him,… i hope the link works

    October 31, 2011 at 11:46 am

  17. I think this is the same struggle facing never married Christians who have either recently gotten saved or recently realized they no longer wanted sex outside of marriage. For many of us its hard to see the harm in sex and everyone else is doing it so we give it a try before ever being married. Then we realize that we do want to wait but now that passion is awakened and its hard to control. Since most of us can't un-awaken that passion we now have to face a constant battle of desire: do we hurry up and get married (and face possible divorce if we marry too hastily) or do we wait for that best possible person knowing that we may not have the self control to keep from screwing up a few times along the wait?

    February 16, 2012 at 3:09 pm

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  19. Jennifer Queen

    Thank you for this honest article

    June 5, 2012 at 4:26 pm

  20. ffg2gf2gf

    hole thing with a lot of meaning because that’s what we’re supposed to do but who found it lacking in the end. That’s why the pop culture stories find resonance: because the

    May 8, 2020 at 12:33 am

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