I’m In Love With Sex
Editor’s Note: This post was written by Amber Louthan. She blogs here & tweets at @amberlouthan. She’s not afraid to say that she loves sex, and not afraid to share her experience. I love it. She preceded this submission by saying it’s for the single ladies, but I beg to differ. It’s truth applies to everyone. Also, Amber admits a lot of this was inspired by the book, Sex and the Soul of a Woman – and we both wholly recommend it. – Lauren
Ah sex – Is there a more taboo subject for a twenty-nine year old, single, divorced Christian woman to talk about?
Oh well, I kind of think it’s the elephant in the room and I hate those, so I’m talking about it. If you’ve talked to me more than once, we’ve probably discussed sex. It’s kind of a big deal to me. It’s kind of a big deal period.
I spent the first year or so after my divorce trying to figure out a way that I could love and follow Jesus and also have sex outside of marriage. And I don’t mean that I casually thought it over in my head every once in a while. I argued, whined, researched, questioned and complained pretty much relentlessly.
When you are married at eighteen and divorced at twenty eight, and you live in this world at this time, not having sex seems like a non-option. Also, lets say you think sex is the bees knees and you’re used to doing it whenever you want- having to stop seems damn near impossible and the opposite of appealing. But you guys, I never figured out a way to make the concept of sex outside of marriage jive with loving Jesus.
As a matter of fact, if I was being quite honest I would say, the only thing harder than not having sex outside of marriage is having sex outside of marriage. If I were telling you about my own experience I would say it is beyond reckless and destructive. If I were sharing about my own life, I would say that I found it to be extremely harmful. If I were divulging details of my own life this is where I would get defensive and say something dumb like, “I’m a Christian so I didn’t have like, a whole bunch of unmarried sex. I just had like, a Christian amount of unmarried sex.”
But let’s keep this hypothetical and say, it might have broken my heart, stole a piece of it and left me feeling empty. And also, it separated me from Jesus.
Lucky for me, Jesus is okay with broken and empty.
I took myself to Him, put everything on pause and asked Him to help me regroup. I stopped asking Him how I was going to make it without sex and started asking Him why He wanted me to. And He answered. He is pretty good about being Himself, I just needed to turn everything off for long enough to hear Him.
And He is a big picture kind of God, so He showed me the Best Metaphor Ever. Sex is supposed to be a picture of intimacy with Him. It’s not just a fun thing He gave us to pass the time with, it’s not even just a beautiful thing that happens between husband and wife. It is an earthly, bodily representation of union with Him.
Honestly, that is all the answer I need. I mean, I really, really, really enjoy sex. I might like it enough that the threats of it eventually breaking my heart and leaving me feeling empty wouldn’t keep me from trying it again. Fear is a pretty terrible motivator. Love though, it is a phenomenal motivator. And He has revealed His Love more completely and intimately as I have given over this part of me.
Pausing and reevaluating sex and intimacy reset something in me, allowed God to do work in me that He couldn’t have done before. He not only revealed lies that I believe about sex, He showed me what it is like to be in more intimate relationship with Him. He has pointed out areas where I feared to let Him in and aspects of our relationship that I just completely misunderstood.
Because one of the main lenses I see my God through was so distorted by messy relationships and sex, it not only clouded and misrepresented sexuality, it misrepresented God and His love. In doing my best to listen to His heart for me, I have been able to really experience a revelation of His Love and grace. I realize I’m overstating this, but you guys, it’s just so wonderful.
So yes, not having sex at all outside of marriage, or doing any activity that is not honoring to God, as hokey and boring and prudish as that might sound, is where I have landed. Because it is totally not worth messing up my relationship with Jesus. I know abstinence is a foreign concept to some people. I also know there are probably some of you who are shocked that it is not where I landed immediately. Truthfully, I wasn’t actually looking to be stopped in my tracks or for a big spiritual lesson when I started asking Him why. I was mostly hoping to stop getting myself wrecked by heartbreak and loss.
My plan was to stop all sexual activity in order to keep from doing anymore physical and emotional damage, maybe even figure out how to have a more whole view of sex. His plan? To restore wholeness and redeem my soul, to give me a more whole view of Him and His love. So. Much. Better. It is immeasurably more than all I could ask or imagine.
Also, if you have any questions feel free to leave a comment. I would love to keep a dialogue going and if I can’t help you, I’ll pass your question along to an actual expert.
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