Lessons On Boys, Fantasies, and Casual Relationships.
Editor’s Note: Today’s post is anonymous by request of the author. Make sure you come back tomorrow (Tuesday), as we’re hosting a beautiful giveaway by Lionhart! – Lauren
It started in my head, and the image was only there for just a split second. He laid over me, looking down into my eyes. I hardly knew him aside from a few short conversations about building houses and being a musician. That made him more attractive to me; the less you know about a man, the less you have to feel bad when you don’t respect him. I am four years older than he, which makes me more attractive to him just by age alone. I closed my eyes and he bent his arms to lean down and kiss my lips. And then it was over. The fantasy, that is.
Fast-forward three weeks and despite the numerous times we have been around each other now he still calls me by a name that is not mine. I shake my head about how I ever could have thought I was attracted to him – even if it was only long enough for a short fantasy. I know nothing about him, and he knows nothing about me.
Photo by Branden Harvey / / Design by Lauren Dubinsky
To me, he is just a silly boy with a poor memory. He is fit, quiet, and cocky, young and surprisingly irritable. He is not my type at all, but I know nothing about him. And about me – my heartache, my brokenness, my struggles – he knows nothing. My conquests, my achievements, and the battles I have won: nothing. He does not know how gently to hold my heart. He does not know when to push and challenge me past what I think I can endure. He does not know what a far way I have come from the mess of a girl I once was, to the woman of God I have fought so hard to become. He does not know me. To him, I am just un-sunned skin covering bones to a medium set frame with a mess of long, graying-black hair on my head and a pair of blue eyes.
To him, I am just breasts and a nice butt, a little less fit than I ought to be and a tiny bit shorter than most girls. He knows nothing about me.
So why is my fantasy a problem?
Well, I’ve realized it is a little bit like the culture of pornography. It allows me to create an ‘other’ in my mind that is completely suited to my desires (in this case sexual) and nothing else. He caters to my needs and politely goes away when I am distracted by something else. But I have a connection with him. And this particular fantasy, ‘him’ represents a real man. With real characteristics and a real personality, real struggles and a real heart. And now I have mucked up the reality of who he is – a creation of of the Most High God, made in the image of the Lord – and I have made him into something he was not created to be.
“You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery,’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” (Matthew 5:27-28)
Ladies, these words apply to us as well. So I ought to have repented for my lustful thoughts and adultery, and leaned into the Holy Spirit for strength to hold this man to the respect he deserves as a child of God. But instead I ignored it, assuming nothing would come of only a few desire-filled thoughts.
“…but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death. Don’t be deceived, my dear brothers.” (James 1:14-16)
Rewind to last night. I just wanted to flirt. I just wanted a little attention. And those desires, those silly thoughts, those fantasies…still lingered. The maturity I have found in the four years since I was his age told me that I shouldn’t have anything to do with this. Everything started innocently, moving slowly enough that I could stop before anything went too far. Just a foot rub, from a man who is not mine. Just a lean on his shoulder. No need to drag me away, I had already been enticed. And suddenly the exact image I had created of this boy in my mind had become my reality. I closed my eyes and he bent his arms to lean down and kiss my lips.
As he did so, the most peculiar thought popped into my head: “This is the problem with culture of pornography.”
I played the thought over and over in my mind, wanting to shout it out, but the boy I barely knew filled the space that was meant for those words with his tongue. Like every other time with other boys, I catered to his needs and desires just to the point of making me uncomfortable and then distracted him elsewhere. Like every other time, I became a slave to this man’s fantasies and images that he has collected of sexy women. I am still working through why I did not stand up, smack him in the face for taking a foot rub to a butt grab and go inside, but that is not the point I am making.
This is the point: my random thought about the culture of pornography came from the realization that this boy has never and will never love me. I am nothing to him. Just a face he will see for the next month or so, and then likely never again this side of Heaven. I was his live porn, of sorts. The kind you get to touch, except when she asks you to stop for a bit. An even better way to get off, and still not have any emotional ties.
The culture of pornography teaches us that human beings are to use each other for our own pleasure.
It teaches a man that he can satisfy the nagging erection without ever having to listen to the girl bitch about picking up his socks or putting down the toilet seat. It teaches a woman that men like her sexy, and after that, she’s useless. And it teaches us to come together and use each other’s bodies for our own selfish pleasure without any care or concern about how the other is doing. The culture of pornography creates sexual disunity between men and women.
I looked the boy in the eyes and shook my head. “You don’t know anything about me,” I finally mustered up the courage to say to him. His response? “Is that such a bad thing?”
It is easier to use the girl next door to satisfy your needs if you do not know anything about her life, just as you do not know anything about the girl on the screen. And real life is better isn’t it? And it is easier to use the boy down the street to satisfy your unmet desire for just one kiss if you know nothing more about him than you know about the boy inside your mind.
I walked away from this with a new understanding of my sexual sin and the struggles of my past. By God’s grace, I have grown so far away from a lifestyle filled with hook ups and late night make outs that I forgot how long I would need to shower until I stopped feeling dirty. By God’s grace, I hope never to return to a place where love is absent and sexual immorality is abundant.
I still haven’t figured out a nice way to tell him that my name is not Kim.
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this is really well written and so very true.
August 20, 2012 at 3:14 am
Insightful truth beautifully penned. Thank you.
August 20, 2012 at 3:30 am
This is the article I have been waiting years to be written. You articulate so well what you’ve learned, what some of us have learned, and what some of us still have yet to learn.
I often feel that fantasising (even emotional fantasy) is to women what pornography is to men. (massive generalisation disclaimer)
I also feel pretty ferociously about this topic! I don’t believe we (women) can truly call out men on their addictions if we don’t recognise our own.
Thank you.
August 20, 2012 at 6:59 am
My stomach turned when I read his response to you. This posts reaches my heart in a painful way. Lust as always been my deadly sin, and to keep from going nuts till I find my spouse, I've always daydreamed. Sometimes innocently, other times a little less so.
This was a great kick in the pants.
Thank you for opening your heart and sharing!
August 20, 2012 at 10:35 am
Wow this is really great. I SO know what you mean about "fantasies"- and this post is very well-written and explains the problem with that kind of thinking.
August 20, 2012 at 10:45 am
Thanks so much for this post. I've been struggling with some of the same things and this has given me a lot of insight. Thank you. : )
August 20, 2012 at 3:07 pm
Beautifully written, soul piercing, and convicting. Sheds light on the sin of lust in a modern, much needed way. Thank you.
August 20, 2012 at 4:34 pm
Thank you for this. Something that revealed a little too much of what i didnt want to hear but truly need.
August 20, 2012 at 6:03 pm
A timely cold splash of water. I’m two weeks away from what should have been my wedding day and more sexually frustrated than I’d ever thought possible. This is sobering. This is good. And hopefully this will stay with me for as long as I need it to. Thanks for writing it, whoever you are.
August 20, 2012 at 9:27 pm
Hahahahahaha a hundred times yes, you killed it, girl. This rocks.
August 21, 2012 at 11:25 pm
WOW. Just wow. I am taken aback . . . this has definitely given me something to think about!
August 22, 2012 at 12:38 am
This breaks my heart. I did not know others struggled with this. I thought I was stuck in my own head, which made it feel so secret and so deadly. There is freedom in this article. Thank you anonymous writer.
August 22, 2012 at 8:35 am
I am so glad this blog can tackle things such as lust, fantasy and women’s sexual struggles. Growing up I thought I was the freak who dealt with issues only guys struggled with! But actually because of the openness Good Women Project fosters, it has provided the confidence I needed to be able to openly talk about the subject without shame and with the heart to not only encourage other women to come out into the light but also for the purpose of letting God heal out hearts and filling the voids we would otherwise try to fill ourselves. LOVE this! So glad someone had te courage to share their story :)
August 22, 2012 at 1:24 pm
Other commenters called this post "a kick in the pants" and a "timely cold splash of water." Precise words.
I'm married to a man who is more than I ever knew I needed, and he gives me his heart. Yet, last night I was so horny and frustrated that another day had gone by without sex, that I let my fantasies of another man take over. I wanted to flush the hard-earned years of marriage and a beautiful relationship with my best friend down the toilet because of my self-centered thoughts. Lord, help me. I'm weak.
Thanks a million for the phrase "You don't know anything about me." The next time my fantasy guy tempts me in my head, I'll tell him just that. Plus maybe take a cold shower and go for a brisk walk.
August 23, 2012 at 1:59 am
This is incredibly insightful. One of the best I have read yet. Thank you. My husband and I are sitting here (as we often do) trying to unpack the weight of the topic of porn, fantasy, dating, and how our lives should be submitted to Christ. We are raising three boys and this constantly comes up. Thanks for the insight. :)
August 25, 2012 at 12:03 pm
I really appreciate this post! It's so easy to excuse fantasy as harmless. To think that as long as it isn't sexual it isn't wrong and then from there to justify it even when it becomes sexual because it isn't actually happening.
This connection you made between pornography and fantasy is I think the connection that Christ was making. He was telling us and his listeners that this sin in our hearts can so easily lead to sin in our lives. He was pointing out that part of our sin is making someone into an object of our pleasure, instead of letting them be a fully embodied person to which we should be loving and devoted before being physically intimate.
http://lindseyreneegrace.com/
August 29, 2012 at 1:49 pm
Welp. This was exactly what I needed. I prayed last night the Lord would continue to show me places in my life where I was wrong; I randomly decided this morning to visit the GWP website, after not having done so in a couple of months, and BAM this article hit me. Thanks so much for writing this!<3
September 2, 2012 at 1:18 pm
So i Just read this and it spoke so much truth to my heart. There is a guy who is in two of my classes, and we have done some not such good things. And the thing is that I dont know anything about him, and he doesnt know anything about me. Its easy and casual. But it leaves me heart broken every time something happens. So thank you for this! Thank you for opening your heart and being honest!
September 25, 2012 at 9:03 pm
Praise God for using you as a vessel of learning. God bless. :)
November 19, 2012 at 11:59 am
“Live porn” – impossibly accurate. That sparked the courage I needed to affect change. You’re awesome.
January 4, 2013 at 3:19 am
so thankful for this. also a slap of cold water to me. i try to justify my casual relationships, but its just perpetuating a culture of pornography, or being "just a body", and that isn't something i want to be. when you said that he doesnt know you at all, that resonated with me. i want to be with someone who knows me, not just my body.
January 30, 2013 at 12:01 am
To whoever you are, you will never know how God has used your wisdom in my life. Thank you! i cannot say it enough times. Thank you. This article brought me to tears as i look in to my own heart and thoughts. Something i have struggled with for the past couple years and daily have to pray and fight against. So thank you again for this truth.
August 7, 2013 at 1:38 pm
Gracias! estuvo genial.
October 12, 2013 at 12:17 pm
When I read this article, I remember my story of lust and sin. Me and my ex did free skype sex chat many times and then we met regularly for 8 months and then suddenly he got his new gf and we broke up. I felt like cheated and abused. Great article indeed.
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