Sex Is A Big Deal And I Wish Someone Had Told Me
Editor’s Note: Today’s post was written by Alyssa Piazza. If casual sex has broken something inside of you, in the words of Alyssa: there is nothing wrong with you. Sex can either build our hearts or break them, and when love is absent, it breaks. Sex without love never heals. Thank you, Alyssa, for sharing your story. – Lauren
There I sat on my bathroom floor, curled up with my knees pressed to my chest, trying with all my strength not to cry while my heart was aching in deeper ways than I ever imagined it could.
This became a fairly frequent occurrence for me throughout my high school and college years. What was the cause of this deep brokenness? Later, I knew it was the result of my search to get a love fix. I was someone who never really dated guys. I mean sure, I liked boys, and there were even a few I guess you could say I was ‘seeing’, but as soon as it came close to anything serious, I dropped them and ran.
This was the ‘dating’ norm for several of my friends. But we didn’t see that what we were doing was far from dating and relationships.
I grew up not having a positive male influence in my life. I guess you could even say most of the men in my life were pretty awful representations of how a man should treat a girl/woman. This left me with some serious cracks and gaps in my heart, along with some really warped beliefs and thoughts. 
Belief #1 : I wasn’t worth loving. Worthless, disposable, and unlovable. That was who I was.
Belief #2: Since I am not worth anything, the only thing I have to offer is my body.
Belief #3: By doing sexual things with someone, I get a love fix, minus the painful emotions found within relationships.
These three beliefs and many more shaped who I was for years to come. It seemed like my “dating life” consisted of the same two cycles.
1. Meet boy 2. Hook up with boy 3. Boy leaves, or I run away 4. I am left broken
OR
1. Get drunk 2. Hook up with random boy 3. Wake up feeling empty
These cycles are what left me continuously broken over and over. Once again, I was sitting on my bathroom floor or in my bed feeling ashamed,empty, and confused as to why I felt this way.
My friends and everything I saw in the media told me, “Casual hookups are okay! You’re just figuring out what you want!” and, “It’ll make you feel better!” So why was I left feeling this way? Was there something wrong with me? What was I not getting? What was I doing wrong?
The media instructs us to have sex with no consequences, but our heart and bodies are left with the repercussions the media rarely mentions. Sometimes we know about STD’s and physical risks, but why is it that seldom we discuss the heart’s risk in all of this?
Each time we fool around with someone, we give a piece of our bodies, souls, and hearts to them, and sometimes it can take years to be put back together.
No one ever talks about the casual dating and casual hook up aftermath. Instead, it is glamorized and a fun, sexy, effective fix-all.
If you have been in the same position I was, sitting on that floor wondering “is there something wrong with me?” because you felt hurt, or shame, or brokenness from something we’re told is normal and amazing – let me tell you something: There is NOTHING wrong with YOU!
How I wished someone would have told me that years ago! We were not created for that, and just because the media says it’s no big deal doesn’t change the fact that it is a big deal! We were made to be in real relationships with one another, not just have relations.
Thankfully, after years of this I was healed from these scars by the One who loved me the whole time. I discovered that no matter how hard I tried to fill these aches and breaks, only God could step in and heal them for me. That I had to love and respect myself, before any guy truly could! Let the One who created you and first loved you fill those voids, and show you your real worth. Don’t casual date, or hook up just to have someone, or to fill your love tank.
You are WORTH more.
You are MORE than just a sexual object.
You are fearfully and wonderfully made .(Psalm 139:14)
You are.
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Bravo! Bravo! My heart rejoices when I see inspirational posts like that that encourage both men and women to recognize the gravity of sexual relations. You are so brave for sharing your story– thank you from the depths of my heart!
February 20, 2012 at 3:17 pm
This has been on my mind so often lately. I haven't had sex, but I constantly hear from friends that I should because "it's not a big deal". I made the mistake this summer of being too physically involved with a boy I thought cared about me, and the worst feeling was months later when he told me "it was no big deal, it was was it was"… I'm so glad I didn't have sex with him, but I'm still left feeling broken & empty from being so emotionally attached to him. Thanks for writing this article & sharing your heart. I hope it will save girls from learning the hard way.
Also… do you think men feel the same amount of brokenness & heartbreak over physical stuff like women do? It always seems like they just move on so quickly and aren't affected.
February 20, 2012 at 3:27 pm
perfect timing. thank you so much for writing this piece! I'm in that cycle now and reading your 3 beliefs brought tears to my eyes because that is EXACTLY how I feel. I feel like I should know better and know I need to stop, but I keep getting into the same situation looking for a "love-fix". I'm having a hard time resisting temptation. This may be a silly question, but *how* do I let God heal me?
February 20, 2012 at 3:33 pm
Hey, this is Alyssa (girl who wrote this post) . Ok first, no not silly at all !! If I didn't have people in my life helping me through a lot of this stuff, I would have been so lost !! Just talk to God, as Him to heal you, and to help guide you through the process ! Go through all those experiences that you've had, and tell them to God…He wants to listen to you, even though He knows these things, because He wants you to share your heart with Him. Gather up all those things, and say God these are my broken pieces, my hurts, my shame, and all my crap !! I'm giving it all to you, what do you have for me in return ? He's given me a few verses to cling to while working through a lot of my stuff. If you'd like to talk more you can ask for my info through good women proj. I'm signed up as a mentor :) Blessings.
February 20, 2012 at 4:25 pm
Thank you Alyssa for sharing this! I’m so glad you were able to break free from the lie that sex is no big deal. It took me forever to discover the truth. And I know I may never be permanently cured from looking for a love-fix. That I could fall into that awful trap again in the future. It’s like any other addiction. Once you get used to using sex for something other than what’s its intended for, it’s easy to use again. God knows in my heart I pray continually for Him to give me the courage to never use again. May God bless you and keep you!
February 20, 2012 at 4:46 pm
I'm in a serious relationship with my boyfriend. We are both practicing Christians and he is very active in the church but every once in awhile we "slip up". I DO want to stop, but since the relationship is long term it almost seems natural for us. It's not some random hook up. We really do love each other, but we get impatient. I would like to feel more convicted about this. I do want to be wholly pure. Our relationship seems to be very rooted in friendship and faithfulness, so it's hard to sense the consequences of our actions. I do sometimes feel guilty and I feel like I make God disappointed sometimes. How do we realize what we are doing even though we feel so close to each other in a special way that tempts the physical aspect that is meant for marriage?
February 20, 2012 at 10:08 pm
thank you for sharing what the media and society refuses to tell us – there is no such thing as a casual sexual encounter and years later many realize their heart is ragged because of the pieces torn out. Praise to our God and Father, who loves us with an everlasting love and takes the torn heart, places it in His loving hands and heals and returns it to a whole heart. Now we use that heart to love Him and praise His name.
February 21, 2012 at 8:16 am
Truth!!! Thank you for speaking the truth! Someone certainly needs to. God bless you!
February 21, 2012 at 1:03 pm
What a fabulous post. This is how I feel about sex – and any sexual act really. For me, sex is an act of incredible intimacy in which you are at your most vulnerable, and it never stops being a big deal. Something that I also think gets overlooked often is that when you choose to begin a sexual relationship with another person, that relationship becomes a lot more complicated and it is important to feel ready for that development.
I also thought I would share this quote with you from the novel Captain Corelli’s Mandolin by Louis de Bernieres that this post made me think of:
“Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots are so entwined together that it is inconceiveable that you should ever part. Because that is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion, it is not the desire to mate ever second minute of the day, it is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing ever cranny of your body. No, don’t blush, I am telling you some truths. That is just being ‘in love’, which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.”
February 21, 2012 at 7:05 pm
This is exactly what I needed to hear today.
July 8, 2012 at 8:15 pm
This article actually just made me cry. I went through the same thing in high school and college, and I'm still trying to put the pieces back together. I still struggle with feelings of unworthiness and uncleanliness, and even though I have repented, I still can't quite forgive myself. I'm trying, really, but it's a struggle every day.Thank you for your story Alyssa!
November 11, 2012 at 8:26 pm
Thank you so much for this post! It really touched my spirit! Thank you. Thats all I can say is thank you!
June 3, 2014 at 2:13 pm