They Do Exist.

Sex Is A Big Deal And I Wish Someone Had Told Me

Editor’s Note: Today’s post was written by Alyssa Piazza. If casual sex has broken something inside of you, in the words of Alyssa: there is nothing wrong with you. Sex can either build our hearts or break them, and when love is absent, it breaks. Sex without love never heals. Thank you, Alyssa, for sharing your story. – Lauren

There I sat on my bathroom floor, curled up with my knees pressed to my chest, trying with all my strength not to cry while my heart was aching in deeper ways than I ever imagined it could.

This became a fairly frequent occurrence for me throughout my high school and college years. What was the cause of this deep brokenness? Later, I knew it was the result of my search to get a love fix. I was someone who never really dated guys. I mean sure, I liked boys, and there were even a few I guess you could say I was ‘seeing’, but as soon as it came close to anything serious, I dropped them and ran.

This was the ‘dating’ norm for several of my friends. But we didn’t see that what we were doing was far from dating and relationships.

I grew up not having a positive male influence in my life. I guess you could even say most of the men in my life were pretty awful representations of how a man should treat a girl/woman. This left me with some serious cracks and gaps in my heart, along with some really warped beliefs and thoughts.

Belief #1 : I wasn’t worth loving. Worthless, disposable, and unlovable. That was who I was.

Belief #2: Since I am not worth anything, the only thing I have to offer is my body.

Belief #3: By doing sexual things with someone, I get a love fix, minus the painful emotions found within relationships.

These three beliefs and many more shaped who I was for years to come. It seemed like my “dating life” consisted of the same two cycles.

1. Meet boy 2. Hook up with boy 3. Boy leaves, or I run away 4. I am left broken

OR

1. Get drunk 2. Hook up with random boy 3. Wake up feeling empty

These cycles are what left me continuously broken over and over. Once again, I was sitting on my bathroom floor or in my bed feeling ashamed,empty, and confused as to why I felt this way.

My friends and everything I saw in the media told me, “Casual hookups are okay! You’re just figuring out what you want!” and, “It’ll make you feel better!” So why was I left feeling this way? Was there something wrong with me? What was I not getting? What was I doing wrong?

The media instructs us to have sex with no consequences, but our heart and bodies are left with the repercussions the media rarely mentions. Sometimes we know about STD’s and physical risks, but why is it that seldom we discuss the heart’s risk in all of this?

Each time we fool around with someone, we give a piece of our bodies, souls, and hearts to them, and sometimes it can take years to be put back together.

No one ever talks about the casual dating and casual hook up aftermath. Instead, it is glamorized and a fun, sexy, effective fix-all.

If you have been in the same position I was, sitting on that floor wondering “is there something wrong with me?” because you felt hurt, or shame, or brokenness from something we’re told is normal and amazing – let me tell you something: There is NOTHING wrong with YOU!

How I wished someone would have told me that years ago! We were not created for that, and just because the media says it’s no big deal doesn’t change the fact that it is a big deal! We were made to be in real relationships with one another, not just have relations.

Thankfully, after years of this I was healed from these scars by the One who loved me the whole time. I discovered that no matter how hard I tried to fill these aches and breaks, only God could step in and heal them for me. That I had to love and respect myself, before any guy truly could! Let the One who created you and first loved you fill those voids, and show you your real worth. Don’t casual date, or hook up just to have someone, or to fill your love tank.

You are WORTH more.

You are MORE than just a sexual object.

You are fearfully and wonderfully made .(Psalm 139:14)

You are.


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23 Responses

  1. Bravo! Bravo! My heart rejoices when I see inspirational posts like that that encourage both men and women to recognize the gravity of sexual relations. You are so brave for sharing your story– thank you from the depths of my heart!

    February 20, 2012 at 3:17 pm

  2. Mary

    This has been on my mind so often lately. I haven't had sex, but I constantly hear from friends that I should because "it's not a big deal". I made the mistake this summer of being too physically involved with a boy I thought cared about me, and the worst feeling was months later when he told me "it was no big deal, it was was it was"… I'm so glad I didn't have sex with him, but I'm still left feeling broken & empty from being so emotionally attached to him. Thanks for writing this article & sharing your heart. I hope it will save girls from learning the hard way.

    Also… do you think men feel the same amount of brokenness & heartbreak over physical stuff like women do? It always seems like they just move on so quickly and aren't affected.

    February 20, 2012 at 3:27 pm

    • I had a man tell me once that when men are hurt, they have two options: To be emotional about it and be seen as weak/like a woman, or to be an asshole. And most men choose the later because it's easier for them. That helped me a lot with realizing that just because I can't see men's emotions doesn't mean they don't have them. It just means they're choosing to not let me see them.

      Men? Thoughts?

      February 20, 2012 at 3:49 pm

    • whether men show it or not, it affects them deeply. I went through a situation a few years ago where I became broken and suffered heartbreak over a girl. I knew that I was looking for love in all the wrong places. I still find it hard some days because my body wants that connection, but I know that it is wrong. that is not how we are intended to receive or give love. so, I guess my answer to you is yes.

      February 20, 2012 at 3:56 pm

    • maxdubinsky

      We are deeply affected. We just don't recognize it for what it is at the time. Because society and our fathers and friends have told us sleeping with women is okay, and hooking up with a girl you barely know is not only beneficial, but makes us feel more like a man. As a result, these lies make it hard to see that we're actually wasting ourselves because we are stressed, anxious, and broken. The truth is we cannot stop thinking about you. We'll think about you for months and years after we've slept together. We'll fantasize about you and it will hurt. We'll text you and call you and tell you we're sorry, only to sleep with you again and feel miserable about ourselves afterwards seeing how our actions fixed nothing. So we go and sleep with someone else believing it will help us to remember to forget you. And the cycle perpetuates until we're lost in pornography and drinking and partying and sex. We emotionally connect with you, we bond with you, and tie ourselves to you when we sleep with you. We're just not man enough to admit it. We're not man enough to live in the tension and actually deal with the fact that we are broken. And with sex being so readily available to us today, it's hard to believe it's not the answer we've been looking for.

      February 20, 2012 at 4:00 pm

    • Alyssa

      hey, im Alyssa, the girl who wrote the post. Let me tell you, you don't just get heartbreak and brokeness from having sex….Making out, Oral Sex, touching, etc are all just as damaging to your heart and spirit !! You give a piece of yourself to someone everytime you are sexually intimate with them, sometimes without even realizing it.Ask God to take back those pieces of your heart that you gave to that boy, and He will put them back where they should be ;) ! but don't forget that in that intimate experience you also took pieces of him, so let God take those from you and give them back to the guy ! Don't carry that burden, you're FREE in Him :) Blessings !

      February 20, 2012 at 4:19 pm

    • Zack

      In short, yes. At least from my own personal experience, I can tell you that it is extremely difficult and heart breaking. I was in a sexual relationship with a girl for about 4 years. After we broke up, I felt like my heart had been ripped out, like I was empty. I was hurt because I lost what we had, but also hurt because I had all this regret about giving myself to this girl in a way that wasn't right for me to do. It was one of the biggest struggles in my life to get over this girl and all that had happened. I tried to drink it away, I tried porn, and it just left me feeling even emptier. I finally realized that only rekindling my relationship with God could heal me. That was about two and a half years ago, and there are will times where I'll think about her and specifically the sexual part of our relationship. So, yes. We men do struggle with the brokenness that sex can lead to.

      February 20, 2012 at 4:36 pm

    • Mary

      thanks so much for all your thoughtful replies! definitely changed my perspective a bit.

      February 20, 2012 at 6:20 pm

    • Nick

      I would say that we (men) do feel the same way. However, we mask it because it’s a macho thing to get what we want and get out.
      That was my experience any way. Additionally, all of those poor choices I made still cause me some grief and I’ve been married to a godly woman for 5+ years now. Don’t let the facade fool you.

      February 20, 2012 at 7:37 pm

  3. Priscilla

    perfect timing. thank you so much for writing this piece! I'm in that cycle now and reading your 3 beliefs brought tears to my eyes because that is EXACTLY how I feel. I feel like I should know better and know I need to stop, but I keep getting into the same situation looking for a "love-fix". I'm having a hard time resisting temptation. This may be a silly question, but *how* do I let God heal me?

    February 20, 2012 at 3:33 pm

  4. Alyssa

    Hey, this is Alyssa (girl who wrote this post) . Ok first, no not silly at all !! If I didn't have people in my life helping me through a lot of this stuff, I would have been so lost !! Just talk to God, as Him to heal you, and to help guide you through the process ! Go through all those experiences that you've had, and tell them to God…He wants to listen to you, even though He knows these things, because He wants you to share your heart with Him. Gather up all those things, and say God these are my broken pieces, my hurts, my shame, and all my crap !! I'm giving it all to you, what do you have for me in return ? He's given me a few verses to cling to while working through a lot of my stuff. If you'd like to talk more you can ask for my info through good women proj. I'm signed up as a mentor :) Blessings.

    February 20, 2012 at 4:25 pm

    • Priscilla

      Thanks for replying! That's very helpful. I just requested you as a mentor so we can talk more so please look out for GWP's email :)

      February 20, 2012 at 6:12 pm

  5. Thank you Alyssa for sharing this! I’m so glad you were able to break free from the lie that sex is no big deal. It took me forever to discover the truth. And I know I may never be permanently cured from looking for a love-fix. That I could fall into that awful trap again in the future. It’s like any other addiction. Once you get used to using sex for something other than what’s its intended for, it’s easy to use again. God knows in my heart I pray continually for Him to give me the courage to never use again. May God bless you and keep you!

    February 20, 2012 at 4:46 pm

  6. Van

    I'm in a serious relationship with my boyfriend. We are both practicing Christians and he is very active in the church but every once in awhile we "slip up". I DO want to stop, but since the relationship is long term it almost seems natural for us. It's not some random hook up. We really do love each other, but we get impatient. I would like to feel more convicted about this. I do want to be wholly pure. Our relationship seems to be very rooted in friendship and faithfulness, so it's hard to sense the consequences of our actions. I do sometimes feel guilty and I feel like I make God disappointed sometimes. How do we realize what we are doing even though we feel so close to each other in a special way that tempts the physical aspect that is meant for marriage?

    February 20, 2012 at 10:08 pm

    • ACA

      Hi, there, Van. I'm a 26-year-old single Christina gal who feels you and understands what you're going through. I'm single, but I didn't wait until marriage, unfortunately. I lost my virginity at 21, and it's one of those decisions that I deeply regretted and took a while for me to move on from. So I'll tell you this: pursue God. It sounds cliche and likely something you've likely heard a thousand times, but seriously, pursue God. He is never absent. When you search for him, you find him and will be reminded that he's always there with you, with every decision you make. The times I slipped up were the times I was running as hard and as fast as could from God and his convictions. I felt trapped in my guilt, in my shame, and disappointment. Don't do what I did, which was run away until I had nowhere to go and until the pain of what I did to myself caught up to me.You want to feel convicted? You want to hear his voice? Pursue him — spend time with him, confess everything you're feeling, from regret to joy to confusion, to him. He loves you, Van. But do remember that it takes 2 to tango. I would encourage you to talk to your boyfriend and to pray together about these convictions. But first and foremost seek God. You might have the strongest relationship in the world with your boyfriend, but you're alone in the dark and dependent on your best judgment — which for all of us, is flawed judgment — if you don't seek God. You're human and you might slip up and preventing "slips ups" might seem impossibly difficult, but don't hang onto your own human willpower guilt — turn it over to God and seek him and he'll guide you.

      February 21, 2012 at 12:20 am

      • Lisa

        Thanks, I needed to read this. I’m 29 and I waited til I was 27 (a week before 28 actually) and not waiting is painful. I think because I thought I knew what I was doing, I thought I understood the gravity, that I was making a real commitment in that act. And he wasn’t, it was some trivial thing to him. It’s been six months since we’ve even spoken and I tell myself I’m okay because I don’t want to deal with it. But sex definitely is a big thing that can lead to feeling broken. I appreciated hearing your experience, being 26 and not a virgin, but still realizing that God should be the primary and focus.

        November 12, 2015 at 8:15 am

    • Lauren

      Van. I've been there in a past relationship. We were both Christians, and we would eventually get married, so what did it hurt? I'll tell you. He was proving to me, and I to him, that we were not honorable. That we were not capable of making a covenant to God or to each other in singleness. How could we think we could make a covenant to God and each other in marriage? When it's hard and when its stale. The truth is that love is about choices. It is about honor. If this guy honors you, and you honor him, and MORE IMPORTANTLY, you both honor God. You will stop what you are doing. I will pray for you… because unfortunately I've also been in a place (3 years later) where he was not feeling convicted about hooking up with another girl while I was on a mission trip. I'm not wishing or willing this on you. But you need to both get on your knees and repent and make a covenant. Then when you are able to commit in marriage, it will have been worth the wait. You will not have to worry about him not having self control with other women; you will know this is a man that can practice honor and self control. And you will know you are a woman who can do the same. With love and best wishes.

      February 27, 2012 at 1:25 pm

  7. Sue

    thank you for sharing what the media and society refuses to tell us – there is no such thing as a casual sexual encounter and years later many realize their heart is ragged because of the pieces torn out. Praise to our God and Father, who loves us with an everlasting love and takes the torn heart, places it in His loving hands and heals and returns it to a whole heart. Now we use that heart to love Him and praise His name.

    February 21, 2012 at 8:16 am

  8. Truth!!! Thank you for speaking the truth! Someone certainly needs to. God bless you!

    February 21, 2012 at 1:03 pm

  9. Nicola

    What a fabulous post. This is how I feel about sex – and any sexual act really. For me, sex is an act of incredible intimacy in which you are at your most vulnerable, and it never stops being a big deal. Something that I also think gets overlooked often is that when you choose to begin a sexual relationship with another person, that relationship becomes a lot more complicated and it is important to feel ready for that development.

    I also thought I would share this quote with you from the novel Captain Corelli’s Mandolin by Louis de Bernieres that this post made me think of:

    “Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots are so entwined together that it is inconceiveable that you should ever part. Because that is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion, it is not the desire to mate ever second minute of the day, it is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing ever cranny of your body. No, don’t blush, I am telling you some truths. That is just being ‘in love’, which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.”

    February 21, 2012 at 7:05 pm

  10. Terri

    This is exactly what I needed to hear today.

    July 8, 2012 at 8:15 pm

  11. Breanna

    This article actually just made me cry. I went through the same thing in high school and college, and I'm still trying to put the pieces back together. I still struggle with feelings of unworthiness and uncleanliness, and even though I have repented, I still can't quite forgive myself. I'm trying, really, but it's a struggle every day.Thank you for your story Alyssa!

    November 11, 2012 at 8:26 pm

  12. Denise

    Thank you so much for this post! It really touched my spirit! Thank you. Thats all I can say is thank you!

    June 3, 2014 at 2:13 pm

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