They Do Exist.

Being Single: What Do I Do With This Sex Drive?

Editor’s Note: Today, we’re asking a question we want YOU to answer, as originally asked by Kristin (@kristin_rea) on her blog Dirty Treasures. We know your sex drive doesn’t go away just because you’re single, so we all want to know – how are YOU handling it? Leave your answer for Kristin in the comments. – Lauren

It is everywhere: a unnaturally large chested, blonde girl is on a billboard next to the highway advertising a club; it’s something found in almost every movie or TV show in some capacity; attractive half-naked people are on ads for selling clothes. And naturally, sex is on our minds.

I grew up in a middle class conservative-minded home and a Southern Baptist church. I attended a fundamentalist Baptist school for twelve years. Sex was never a frequent topic.

The “s word” was never mentioned at school except in the context of adultery, and other perverted forms of sex that eventually ended up in punishment and eventual death. At church, it was talked about more, but only at True Love Waits weekend retreats, or, when sex was a big no-no. And sometimes around February when the pastor decided to do a series on Song of Solomon. At home, I wasn’t allowed to watch certain movies until I had reached a certain age. And, I was an only child so there was no one to bring “it” up around the dinner table except me, and that obviously wasn’t going to happen.

My mom took preteen me on a weekend trip where we listened to some tapes about sex. Later, I would realize that this was “the talk.” I had known for a long time boys had penises and I had some inclination about genital interaction, but still held on to the belief that babies were made by kissing. I was now informed.

Fast forward about ten years. I am now more informed about sex. I have gleaned what I know from movies, the news, conversations, etc. I am not going to claim to know a lot about sex, but for not having any, I know a lot about it.

My question is… What the hell do I do with this sex drive?!

The stereotype is that guys want sex more than girls. Well, I guess I haven’t been in a guy’s mind to know, but I’ll just say that I want sex, and I want it a lot. And no, it’s not just when I’m ovulating.

For some people this really isn’t an issue—just go get some! But for me, this is issue. I am virgin, and have the conviction to stay abstinent till he, whoever he is, “puts a ring on it.” But with this sex drive, I have had plenty of thoughts of abandoning this conviction.

What I’m trying to say is that I want to know how to have healthy sexuality when I am single and unmarried. I don’t want to know how to suppress it, but how to live within as a complete spiritual, emotional, physical, and sexual being.

I’m not blaming others for my lack of knowledge, but I wish that those who I had looked to for mentorship when I was growing up would have shared not just the “when you’re married” or “sex is bad and here’s why” info, but they would have shared what lies in between the two extremes.

Other people are giving advice how to be “healthy”: condoms, masturbation, and oral sex “because it’s not really sex.” But what does the church say about healthy sexuality? How do I as a single young woman who is trying to follow Christ, do this?

Church, we need your educated and spiritual input. We need your mentorship.

I’m raising the issue, because I am naive. And that’s kinda my point.

 

Question: How are YOU handling your sex drive, if you are looking to wait until marriage? How do you view your sexuality, and what advice to you have to offer to Kristin?

Note From Good Women Project: Please note that GWP does not support or standby all opinions represented in the comments. We are merely seeking a place to hold open, honest conversations in the safe community of women we strive to develop here.


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167 Responses

  1. I haven't a clue. I'm in the same boat with you! If anyone has the answers, let me know!

    September 15, 2011 at 12:34 am

  2. First, GOOD FOR YOU! for asking this question, and for breaking barriers of your raising. I know that different Christian churches put emphases on different principles so I hope when I say that I'm divorced and intend to remarry that that doesn't detract from my intended message. If it makes it better, my ex left me for another woman. I wasn't perfect in the marriage but I did try everything to keep it together. That said, as a woman with very strong Christian beliefs, I won't have sex again till I'm married again. If that never happens, then I die without experiencing that beautiful thing called sex again. I have been divorced for four years. I haven't had sex in 4.5 years. I can't say if it's harder having experienced it before and knowing what I'm missing, or if it's harder having never experienced it before, but that's not the point. In both cases, it's SO difficult! One thing I've found helpful is to accept the thoughts and desires rather than reject them. I know it sounds crazy. But when I was rejecting sinful thoughts and desires right away, they'd come back stronger and more frequently. So what I do now is acknowledge it. YES, I'd sure like to have sex again. Yes, that's okay. And the reason I want it again is because…. fill in the blank. I take it apart, I take those desires apart and keep the good and I do reject the bad. But it's SO much easier to quickly move onto the next non-sexual thought when I acknowledge and accept it rather than panic, dwell, and fight it.
    Also, I pray with all the energy of my heart to be given strength and reassurance to save these God-given desires for their appointed time.
    Allow, if you will, a pretty lame analogy: If I want $1 million, the want on its own isn't bad, isn't sinful. In fact, if I work very hard for it, and in time receive it, that's great. Especially if I'm charitable. However, if I try to rush it and don't want to wait, so I steal it or obtain it by other wrongful means, suddenly it's become a sin. But we don't have to STOP wanting the money in order to avoid the sin. We can keep it in our sights and work honestly for it, no matter how long it takes. Same with sex, I think. We can keep it in our sights, acknowledge that we want it (as you have done) but accept that it's not ours to have right away, unless we do it by inappropriate means. Like the one who stole money, we who steal sexual experiences will pay consequences. But I see nothing wrong with keeping it in our sights as something we'd enjoy, and working and SAVING. If I work hard to earn a million dollars, that is definitely going to include a LOT of saving. I like to think that the longer we wait for sex, the better it will be, just like the longer we save our money, the more we'll have.
    I hope you'll forgive my verbosity and I hope I've helped if only just a little.

    September 15, 2011 at 12:40 am

    • Lindsay

      Thank you so much for sharing so openly! I struggle with what Kristin is struggling with and I so appreciate something other than a generic "you just have to be patient deny those feelings until you're married" answer. So thank you for being so honest! I know that I for one feel encouraged!

      And to Kristin, THANK YOU for being so honest with everyone! I've often felt very alone in struggling with being a single Christian woman in her mid-twenties who struggles with a healthy and godly way to deal with my sexuality, and honestly I have no idea how to handle it! Trying to figure it out is often very frustrating and discouraging, and while I don't have any answers, I so appreciate the opportunity to discuss it openly with other women who are going through the same thing! So thank you again!

      September 15, 2011 at 12:53 am

    • I wholeheartedly agree with the Lindsay above me. I have been starving for words and wisdom like this, Erin. And, Kristin, thank you so much for voicing my own heart and struggles!

      September 15, 2011 at 9:08 am

    • AlakanGurl

      Hey Erin,

      I am a single christian woman and I wanted to thankyou for your words. I have been in the dark with how to deal with this desire for a long time and though I have meditated on the Scriptures I still found it a struggle to avert my thoughts. I appreciate how you face your sexuality as well as appreciate that God has made our bodies to want intimacy. I believe I will try your suggestion the next time I am faced with immoral sexual desires.I will be praying for you
      God Bless

      September 27, 2012 at 2:46 am

    • LaDawn

      This is awesome! Thank you for being so open

      October 30, 2012 at 5:11 pm

    • Chantel

      sufficient answer. I don't think I will ever get over these strong urges. I am just 20, in college and probably wont get married for a good number of years. I think about the gap between now and about the next 7 years and I realize that this is going to become a problem. No matter how hard I try to suppress these thoughts, they keep coming back and it frustrates me and makes me stressed.
      But from now on, I will try to acknowledge the urges and then move on, hopefully.
      Thanks!

      November 29, 2013 at 1:32 am

    • Lauren

      This was so helpful and gave me peace of mind. It was just what I needed in such a clear explanation. I feel a lot better.

      July 7, 2014 at 1:39 am

  3. Anon

    As a single Christian woman I can tell you that I did it the wrong way. I became addicted to masturbation and pornography, both of which my church teaches are sins. After many years of darkness and trying to quit on my own I finally reached out for help. Utilizing every tool available I am happy to say I am now 8 months sober and counting.

    For me I was using these addictions to try and fill a void in my life. A void I thought could only be truly filled by a man. If I were married I would happy and whole. I now know that God is the only way to fill that void.

    Sure I still have a sex drive and I am still tempted, but having those temptations isn't a sin. It's giving into the temptations that is a sin. Someday I hope to share a very healthy, sacred, sex life with my husband. I know that may never happen, but I am committed to waiting. God's commandments are clear and I choose Him over any other thing in my life. As long as I do that He will bless me and fill my life to the brim with happiness, joy and hope.

    September 15, 2011 at 1:21 am

    • Sister in Christ

      Thanks for sharing Anon.

      I like you am a single Christian woman and have turned to the wrong places for fullfillment. Though I am still in the first phases of recovery I thank God for women like you that can show women like me there is a way through God's grace to overcome this need to feel whole and actually become whole through Gods filling of the Holy Spirit.

      September 27, 2012 at 2:52 am

      • Marie

        Wow, this is very similar to the situation I am in right now. I struggle daily with temptations to fill the void and loneliness in my life with destructive habits, but I'm hope that someday Jesus will renew my heart to desire Him.

        September 30, 2012 at 11:13 pm

  4. such great timing!! and, thanks for sharing kristin!

    i wrote a blog entry of my thoughts on this very topic last week! here's the link: http://haylestales.blogspot.com/2011/09/i-will-ca

    i'm still trying to figure this sex drive stuff out…but, what i do know is that all things belong to God, including my sex drive. i explain more in the blog entry.

    take care!

    September 15, 2011 at 2:19 am

    • Read your blog. I love your boldness!
      I thought you brought up an great point: " What I need is to be honest with God. What I need is to give God the things which belong to him, including this sex drive." I definitely think if we ask God show up how to handle this sex drive, he will answer us. And if we ask him for help, we will not shy away. Thanks so much for sharing!

      September 26, 2011 at 7:48 pm

  5. MCH

    Kristin, I wish you would have opened up a little about how you are dealing with it now. What does sex drive mean to you. Cause it's just not that easy to talk about, at least not for me.

    I like what Erin has to say about letting the thoughts about the desire in, instead of "trying not to have them". I think that is a good way to go. The acceptance of being human and thus to have this sexual desire.

    I have denied my sexuality for years due to sexual abuse as a child. I have denied my body really. I had no body, I didn't feel anything. At age 30 something I started exercising and it caused me to land in my body, it was a sweet thing. Finally feeling the water on my back when I am in the shower. Or finally being able to go to a spa. See my body, feel my body, it was new to me. And with landing in my body, the sexual desire came too. And especially in my case that is a good thing. After all, I am so sure about the fact that I want a healthy sex life when I get married, though that sounds easier that it probably will be for me. So to me, having the desire is something to be celebrated, something to really acknowledge, within limits. I celebrate it by continuing to feel I have a body. By putting my favorite lotions on every day, by taking long baths, by going to a spa, by eating well, by going out for a run. All ways I have started to acknowledge my body. Now, what does this have to do with sexual desire… nothing and a lot. When I acknowledge my body like this, when I take care of my body like this, it's an invitation that my body can feel and I will take care of it. I am not sure if it's making sense. But I think it all works slightly different when you have been severely abused as a child. These are all good steps to be taking towards that future of having sex with my husband.

    So now… as a 38 year old single the sex drive is certainly there. Just the other night, I was sitting on the couch and all of a sudden the desire to be with my husband was strong. It was a feeling deep inside my body too. I was able to rejoice over the feeling, it is beautiful. But I couldn't help the fact that it was quickly followed by this question: What do I do with this? I have no husband, I am still longing for him in great ways. I still have no answer to this question. Would it be wrong to masturbate? Neither church or the Bible talks specifically about this topic. I struggle with it. I do masturbate, some times. And I go without for months. It's a bodily release. One I don't know is right or not.

    So all I can do in regards to your question is tell you my story, but I have no answers.

    September 15, 2011 at 3:39 am

    • Hey MCH, sorry it's taken me so long to get back to you. Thanks so much for sharing your story. I know that this may seem trite, but it is sincere: I'm so sorry that you had to go through sexual abuse. I have had a similar experience, and so can grapse some of the pain, confusion, and anger you have gone through.

      When I wrote this I was really was at my wit's end, unsure what to do. I had thought about adding a paragraph about ideas I had for the church or christian communities to mentor, etc. But as far as ideas for my own personal journey, I really didn't know what to do. For a long time, I saw my sexuality as something bad, something that caused shame, something that is frustrating because I couldn't have what I wanted. I have been in counseling for several months and one thing my counselor is trying to get me to be comfortable with is my own sexuality. I've snuffed it out for so long and because so much shame was associated with it, I was having trouble knowing how to function in a romantic situation and frankly I was struggling to be myself. I'm still working through all of this.

      I think your suggestion for taking care and treating our bodies is a great idea. It is a great way to remind ourselves, and declare that our bodies are good, our sex drive is natural and good. The comments here have a lot of great practical advice and wisdom, too. I have been so encouraged by you. Thanks : )

      September 29, 2011 at 3:22 am

    • When I was a child, my mother was raped. I grew up knowing that rape was a crime of power and sex was a weapon. That, coupled with my obesity that I have struggled with my whole life, has caused me to hate my body with varying degrees of hatred throughout my life. I always felt judged in gym class and as a result developed a loathing for anything related thereto, like exercise.

      It seems weird, but masturbation helped me land in my body and reconnect my mind with it. It's more about getting in touch (forgive the pun) with myself than anything else. I'm wondering though how much is too much of a good thing?

      December 22, 2013 at 12:54 am

  6. Kristen,

    if only you had written this before I had even met you! Let's just say I had felt this exact same way when I was single. I didn't know what to do with it, and all anyone ever said, like you wrote, was that I should just put it behind me and forget that I feel that way. I'm a very physical person in general. I mean, I will give anyone hugs. That's how I show friendship. So for me stepping up to kissing, touching, and more, was just a natural progression. For a while, when I was under a good leadership and relationship with my mother and my mentor at church, I would write about it. For me, I write everything, so those feelings ended up in poems, and a journal. I actually have a separate journal simply called my Purity Journal. It is where I used to scream about the boys who messed with my sex drive. About the nights I wanted everything and anything. For more, what really helped was accountability, with my friends, my mom, and my journal. Acknowledging that you do want it and realizing that you're not alone in wanting it and surrounding yourself with those people who have made the same commitment as you, really helps. I'm not saying it goes away, NOT BY ANY MEANS! And that's not the way we were designed. Take that passion you feel in the moment and remind yourself that THAT is the passion your God has for you. I know that maybe weird to think about, but really HE IS PASSIONATE FOR YOU. It helped me realize that being passionate and feeling that sex drive was not a bad thing, but just another way that we are created in His image.

    I will be completely honest with you though, I failed. I failed miserably. I lost my accountability and my support system, and I gave in. I gave in not only to my husband now, but also to a few guys before him. Know (even though I'm sure you've heard it a million times) it is PAINFUL to give in. Only your husband will truly love you the way you need and give you the sex that is truly enjoyable in every way because you are an emotional, physical, spiritual and sexual being. He will satisfy that because God has created him simply to satisfy you. When you give your emotions and physical out to other guys first, you lose that ability to be 100% fully completely your husband's.

    Again, another honest moment. Once you give yourself away to someone else, it doesn't get easier once you're married. Though I love my husband beyond anyone I've ever loved in my life and I will always keep my commitment to him, I still find myself attracted to other guys at times. I find myself wanting to be other guys because I was so used to just well sleeping around. Now I have to find a way to control that flirtatious attitude. I have not given into that temptation, and one look at my wedding pictures will remind me any day how much I love and want to be with my husband, but I've also gotten back to writing in my Purity Journal.

    My advice: keep your promise to yourself and to God for your future. When you finally get to have sex with your husband, it will be the most wonderful sex you've ever had in your life. The best sex you could ever have! And because you have nothing to compare it to (other than chick flicks and what the world tells us are "perfect" men — which you shouldn't even bother comparing any part of real life to anyway) you will be satisfied and happy. You will also be willing to be more vulnerable with your husband, trying new and exciting things because you trust and love him completely and have given yourself to him wholly and completely. I have a hard time having sex with my husband sometimes because in the back of my mind I have other guys telling me what I was doing wrong, what I should fix. If you and your future husband keep pure and whole for each other, nothing will be wrong to either of you because you will have nothing to compare it to.

    So, after this very long winded response, take it from someone who failed to keep her promise. I have no idea what to do with your sex drive now, but please don't follow in my footsteps. Accountability was key for me in my good moments, and I hope you have someone in your life that you can be open and honest with to keep you accountable as well.

    I say all this because I love you Kristen and I know you are a strong woman of God!

    September 15, 2011 at 3:46 am

  7. Fabienne Harford wrote a STELLAR article on this recently in Relevant Magazine (http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/relationship/blog/26598-fasting-from-intimacy). I highly recommend it, as well as Fabs' blog (http://www.fabsharford.com/).

    September 15, 2011 at 11:08 am

    • Wow, Awesome article. Thanks for sharing!

      September 26, 2011 at 8:18 pm

  8. Kait

    Reading these comments has been so encouraging! I have been wanting someone to talk about this for a long time! When I was in high school, I remember going to prom with a guy I had feelings for (denied that I had feelings because since I had committed not to date, I "couldn't" have those kind of emotions) and when we came back home, we stood in my hallway and hugged for TEN MINUTES. The whole time, I kept thinking, "Why do I feel this way, I feel like I should be kissing him, etc." but didn't understand that my hormones (what are those?) were telling me, "You have chemistry with this guy." Needless to say, my cluelessness did not assist me when I went to college and met my now husband.

    Let's just say that in spite of a wonderful four years of dating and so much love from him, we both flubbed it up pretty badly when it came to the sex drive. I was completely naive about my own body and how it would respond to a man's body (as you saw from my high school story)- I literally had no idea what hormones did or that the "funny feeling below my stomach" was a desire to have sex. So, we kissed and we touched, all the while I kept thinking, "Why is this snowballing, I don't understand, all I 'wanted' was a kiss." Before long, when we would try to go without these things, I gave into the temptation to masturbate to fulfill the desires I had already given into.

    By the end of four years of dating, I was a muddled, muddled mess- yes, I desperately loved my boyfriend/fiancé & knew I was going to marry him, but the lack of knowledge that I had about sexual desire (for instance, I never knew that I would not only enjoy being kissed and touched but that I would also love the feeling of 'power' I obtained by turning on the man I loved) and about my body truly hurt our courtship in ways I wish I could take back.

    So, I share my story in this forum to state that I totally get where everyone is coming from- the Church NEEDS to DESPERATELY talk about this in honest ways. Sex is beautiful and should be treated as such rather than a dirty, rebellious thing that "guys always want" and "only bad girls do." My biggest piece of advice? Seek out a good friend who is willing to talk with you and hold you accountable- when I finally talked to someone about my masturbating, it was like a HUGE burden had been lifted from my shoulders. I had carried it alone for so long that I didn't know what it would be like to live without that secret- yes, the Church doesn't acknowledge it but you can find someone who will be sympathetic and "stern."

    Also, reading some good books (not the Ludy's or Harris's stuff!!!) helped me- I recommend "Every Woman's Battle" (which devotes quite a bit of space to masturbation), "Real Sex: The Naked Truth About Chastity" (it's refreshingly realistic and beautiful), and "Confessions of a Good Christian Girl" (most vulnerable book that deals with all the "secret sins" and other deadly things that the Church won't honestly talk about).

    I sincerely hope this is helpful to someone- I wished I had a place to talk about this when I was struggling with it. But I'm glad that there is one now.

    September 15, 2011 at 11:28 am

    • Nim

      Thank you so much for the book recommendations, really helpful!!

      September 15, 2011 at 4:43 pm

    • RE

      As a fellow struggler the question that I have currently is… now is should I, or when should I share this information with my boyfriend? Is this something that we give to God and then don’t have to confess also to our significant other? Or did we take something away from our future relationship by taking things into our own hands and we are now called to confess to him as well? If he needs to know then when…?

      Currently I’ve been dating a great Christian guy for about 7 months and I could definately see us together for the long-run. He’s been very open about the temptation he’d previously fallen into, so is it my turn next??

      June 15, 2012 at 4:02 pm

    • Yes, Kait. The church DOES need to talk about this! It is so uncomfortable for them, though! And most of the pastors in a teaching position have been married for so many years, they have completely forgotten what it's like to be in our shoes. Additionally, as women, it is far too often seen as exclusively OUR responsibility to hold the purity standard. They choose to believe that most of their congregation is married and largely ignore the single contingent who want so badly to do things right. We need so much more information and encouragement!

      June 21, 2013 at 8:33 pm

  9. Mary

    Every time I read an article about sex I am immediately intrigued. I am a 22 year old woman of God who is seeking sexual purity. However, I’ve made mistakes in the past with my decision to have sex before marriage.

    It saddens me to read these empowering articles after the deed has been done. I don’t know for sure that I would have been stopped from sleeping with a man who was not my husband if I had read these 3/ 4 years ago, but they would have made me a lot more informed. However I am grateful that younger women have the opportunity to make better informed decisions based on such words of wisdom.

    As my relationship with God has grown, I see more clearly and am more sensitive to words of wisdom concerning sexuality, be it in articles I read on the internet by like minded Christian women or passages from the Bible.

    I guess my question is not so much how to deal with my sex drive but more how to deal with the pain I feel for having misused something so sacred.

    I thank God for blessing me with a healthy sexual being. I have abstained for 11 months now and I look forward to sex with the man God has chosen for me.

    September 15, 2011 at 11:58 am

  10. I applaud all of you for asking these difficult questions. Having grown up in Christian churches with very clear opinions about sexuality and the expression of it, I now find that the clear-cut, right vs. wrong approach to sexuality just doesn't satisfy. Not that there isn't, perhaps, a clear yes/no answer to some issues in this topic– but I have found that easy, black and white answers (ie don't have sex, no oral, no masturbating) do not entirely fit such questions that are inherently personal, complex, emotional, and at times anything but black and white…but are more gray than most people I know dare to admit. Do's and don'ts aren't enough for me as I explore my thoughts and desires, and as I dialogue with others, especially those who aren't Christians. I want more.

    September 15, 2011 at 12:36 pm

  11. (this is the rest of my post, it didn't post for some reason)

    From my vantage point, sexuality (and dare I say it, abortion) are two issues which the modern Church has largely elevated above most other areas. Not to say this is without some reason, but I think it's had an unintended side effect: many of us lack the skills, vocabulary, and creativity to navigate these life issues with wisdom and grace. And those of us who have, for a wide variety of reasons, had sex before marriage, we are left with little guidance as to what to do next…besides feel guilty. And if sex is so good (which it is!!) can't we do better than that?

    If God is worth loving and living for (and I have found this to be true)- then I choose to believe that He is big enough to handle these tough questions, as well as our fumbling around for answers. Christians, in general, are a lot more rule-oriented than I find God to be. Not that there aren't do's and don'ts…..but by focusing on them, and fearfully avoiding "sin"- we often sacrifice using our brains and hearts to discern, think, and search together for the best expression of love.

    Sexuality and our expression of it is an incredibly exciting, complex, beautiful thing. It seems to me that our approach to living this part of our humanness out should also, then, be exciting, complex, and beautiful. Don't try to squash it into easy rules and do's/don'ts- it just won't fit.

    September 15, 2011 at 12:38 pm

  12. kim

    Sorry to be all "worldly" about this, but why not masturbate? I agree that viewing pornography is damaging, but it is possible to get that release without going that route.

    No where in the Bible does it condemn masturbation, and if it keeps you from acting out sexually with men, I say do it.

    What is the harm in that? Should an orgasm be only with a husband? Do you expect your husband not to masturbate? Or is it the "slippery slope" argument that leads us to cut out all sexual acts.

    I am just curious. I know lots of Christian girls (myself included) who use masturbation as a way to deal with the sexual desires without throwing ourselves at men (boyfriends or not).

    Why is this verboten?

    September 15, 2011 at 12:56 pm

    • emynarnon

      This is a question I've had over the years as well. I am committed to waiting for sex until marriage, and by God's grace have been able to resist temptation so far. The commandment to enjoy sex only within a marital contxt is very clear and makes complete sense. However, the church always implied that all masturbation was wrong because of the lust and visualization etc. that is required for men when they masturbate. But for women? I don't need pornography or even to think about men at all when I masturbate, and I haven't heard a good answer yet as to why it is biblically wrong. It seems odd that something would be wrong for one gender and not another, and yet that's the only "healthy" outlet open to me at this point. I agree that it is possible to be addicted to that kind of pleasure (just like it's possible to be addicted to sex or coffee), but if one is not lusting after a man, nor is one addicted, what is wrong with masturbation?

      September 15, 2011 at 1:23 pm

      • kate

        this article has been very helpful. just today I was struggling with my sexual desire, even after days of fasting and prayer to stop this desire. Now I know it is not about the desire but what we do with it. As a Christian and a 35year old single, a times I even wonder what if I don’t get married can I be able to stay pure as God demands? I believe what the bible says about sexual sin and complete abstinence is the soln. But to emynarnon, masturbation is as BAD as fornication and others. masturbation is sexual perversion which GOD frowns at. so I encourage you to abstain from it and remain strong completely.
        may God help us all.

        August 26, 2013 at 8:37 am

    • meg

      I agree with you and emynarnon. I get frustrated hearing that masturbation is "selfish" because it's something you do to benefit yourself alone. That justification could be used for a lot of things that aren't considered selfish, like eating or taking time alone, or reading a book. It's frustrating too to hear, "well Jesus never masturbated" because, really, we don't know he did. We can assume he never slept with a woman because as a sinless, single man we know that that would biblically be sin. But as masturbation is not ever talked about in the Bible, and we can only speculate on whether or not it is a sin, we can't confidently state that Jesus did not.

      As a 29 year old single woman who is committed to waiting to have sex until marriage, being able to masturbate as a form of sexual tension release makes the tension more bearable. As emynarnon states, I do agree it's possible for be addicted to it, as it's possible to be addicted to anything, but I think that's a personal boundary you have to decide on your own even if that means you need to completely abstain. Maybe this is an issue that falls under Paul's discussion about what is helpful and beneficial for some but not for all.

      September 15, 2011 at 2:40 pm

    • anonymous

      My mind turns to 1 Corinthians 6:12, All things are lawful for me, but all things are not helpful. All things are lawful for me, but I will not be brought under the power of any.
      I don't think it's by mere chance that Paul goes right into one of the most extensive passages about sex found in New Testament from that verse.

      I think he's talking about self-control, which in fact, is brought up later in chapter 7 when he says it's better to marry than to burn with passion. It says nothing about releasing that passion outside of marriage, ever.

      This is something that I struggle with, I'm not just pulling it out of my butt, so I understand.
      Personally, I feel guilty, I feel convicted after I've given in and masturbated. Not because I've been told all my life it was a sin or anything like that, simply because the release of that passion is something I feel like we're called to save for marriage.

      On a practical note, I also worry that because I've masturbated when I do get married it will be harder for my husband to please me. We know the spots that feel best, yanno? He doesn't. He will eventually, but honestly I don't want to wait. I want my honeymoon to be entirely pleasurable, and I want my husband to be the reason for that. I think masturbation makes that much harder for him to do.

      September 15, 2011 at 2:44 pm

    • MCH

      That is exactly what I was talking about too in my comment. I am glad someone else is opening this up too.

      September 15, 2011 at 4:16 pm

      • Drayton

        Hello everyone
        I am a 40 + yr old who is single. Let me say it is HARD to deal with, this sexual temptation, but put God right up in there (no pun intended) in the middle of the situation. I have heard Him whisper in my spirit in my moment of need, “Come away with Me..” and lead me to the Song ofSolomon. By the time I read, “for Your love is better than fine wine…” I’m on fire.. but for God! I know it’s odd, but true
        Try to read it with you as the church bride and Jesus in mind and see what happens.

        November 29, 2012 at 7:10 pm

    • Still Waiting

      I actually wondered this too…
      I mean, I have felt guilty too when I have given into it, but it's been very few times. I'm 20 and before last year, I had never done that, in fact I probably didn't know much what my own body was like. Didn't care to know. But even though I didn't have sex, I had gotten pretty physical with a guy, and it definitely changed me. I had never been sexual at all, I mean I could have easily been a nun for the rest of my life, because I never had to deal with a sex drive. But after doing things with him, I longed for that physical pleasure and connection after we ended things, and I still do. And I tried to release that tension by myself, and it didn't help at all. For the most part, it's all the build up with no release (yeah, i mean the big o. I still have no idea what that is supposed to be like.). So, it just ends up as even more tension and just becomes physically painful. And when I feel those sexual feelings come back, I have no idea what to do to deal with them.
      Mainly, what helps is just talking to God or trying to read the Bible, which almost brings you back and has this refreshing effect. Like, it was crazy that you were having a problem with that when it's no big deal anymore. Still trying to figure it out myself, but don't worry about remaining "pure." You can do it. And to be honest, it's far more worth the wait. The guy I had been with, I fell in love with him, but he was not the right guy for me, and all of those physical things make you feel cheap and are not what you expect them to be. There's no magical feeling, or wonderful bliss. It's just awkward and mostly empty.

      December 12, 2011 at 8:35 am

    • Eli Harrison

      I agree. I think God put it there for fulfillment. It's not hurting anything. Your not cheating, your not committing fornication, your not offending nobody. I think it is actually healthy for your body to release thes endorphines, because if you don't it's gonna be all pinned up. And I actually think it's a beautiful thing when a woman knows her body and is in karma with her body! To me, this is a sign of health, things are working properly!

      July 31, 2012 at 12:14 pm

      • Pathfinder

        Nearing 24, I've had ups and downs with masturbation. Generally I can say that such deed hinders me from connecting with God.
        Like, objectively. I pray not that well, I'm not here for the others so much, I get annoyed quickly. I don't manage so much in studying or work or sports etc. For some reason, inherently, if you're serious about God, masturbation does not have a place in your life – it almost seems as a kind of mysterious logic. Not mentioning feeling like shit. Not because of breaching the commandment alone, just feeling like that.

        But the sex drive is still there, sure. One priest I know said it's a creative power, the one that can be transformed to all sorts of things and activities, so that you can direct it at what you want. Directing it toward yourself is just like flushing the power/potential down the toilet. A self-consuming act. And this is not to say I am – or was – a puritan. Unlike other things, I have experience with this and with its subjective perception.

        When the "seizure" occurs, and be sure that, being a 24-year-old guy who's never done it and has a tremendous apetite in this area, who sometimes hears flattering comments from girls that kinda shake the system of values to the core – so given these circumstances I think about it pretty much non-stop. Lately.

        Also, to support my view even more, the happiest part of my life was when I stayed completely clean and worked on a really demanding commission; during that time I prayed a lot and saw an amazing development, both in personal, cognitive and spiritual sphere. I thought faster, I was more positive and could accomplish more. It was like I felt those gears in my brain spinning to the full throttle – seeing it now, more things made sense back in that time. I hope to achieve that blissful state of mind again – it was like someone draws a veil from your eyes, from your mind, a veil that's been blinding you to something.

        It's interesting – and very encouraging, for that matter – to see other ppl struggling with this, too. I, like many, felt I'm the only hedonist under the sun. With the "outside" world doing it and people talking about the whole stuff like nothing was happening, it really gives hope.

        The problem is, I think, that in wordly terms, sex, sexuality and masturbation has established a solid basis, both in literature, movie and music and that basis is huge and pretty much omnipresent, as sb stated here.
        There are also Biblical, religious and other references that deal with the issue – and sometimes very bluntly – but are somewhat hidden to popular belief and world-perception.

        I would recommend digging deep into religious literature and great spirituals of the past, because, contrary to what people think, they did experienced the whole process during their lifetime. This is a struggle that every person in the history of man was somehow involved in.

        May 22, 2013 at 2:16 pm

    • healedbyhisgrace

      i usually never reply to stuff like this, but i couldn't help but respond to this….

      I am 20 years old and when i was a child i was sexually mollested. One of the primary ways I dealt with and suppressed my emotional pain was masturbation. It was something I never fully understood, and felt extremely ashamed of. I felt horrible about myself when I did it, because I didn't know how else to stop.

      Bottom line short: our bodies weren't made to masturbate.
      There is a reason things like this are called an addiction. As a child & teenager i masturbated like how some people smoke weed: it was ongoing, it was apart of my regular life, and it was like a drug. I didn't know or realize what was wrong, I just knew that it was and that I couldn't cry for help.

      I know you might say 'but i wasn't sexually traumatized or victimized as a child' and i don't really agree. This is something that probably all of us as heard but.. 'sex is like a fire' in marriage it is good, necessary and safe….. outside of marriage it can burn things down.

      Masturbation ruined my life.
      For me personally, it makes it that much harder dealing with when that sex drive of mine comes because it makes me feel irresponsible. I am still going through healing on what my views of sex are (my views aren't that good/positive about sex at all, i constantly feel awkward around married people who i know have healthy sex lives and are extremely happy…)

      It is a fire that we can't handle, no matter how much self will and how much we believe we have otherwise. Masturbation is 'sin,' because sin is anything that is opposite of who God created you to be. We weren't made to feel like trash, worthless or inconsolable.

      I still struggle because I know that masturbation is not the answer. It wasn't then, and it's not now 'that i'm at a different season in my life'
      I also know that just like how God loved me and cared me through my months of withdrawal and healing… He is big enough to show me a way to deal with it now.

      It was never a struggle in my life (hormones & sex drives) because every guy i was around did not care for me as a sister the way he should have and i was emotionally bruised & hated guys. Now that i am in an environment where there a ton of mature godly men 'waiting for the right women' with good character. It massively sucks. It sucks to admit 'yes they are good looking and have good characters. NO'

      I have not found anything that has worked for me, and i had this problem for 11 years. It was something I literally grew up with.
      I like the analogy the older (formerly divorced & single) woman gave: look at it as an investment, something you are working for (growing and maturing in God, learning to be happy on your own) and then your husband/giving your purity away to someone worth it as what you have worked for.

      I dont have all the answers, i am in an environment where my sexdrive is crazy and i am around several woman my age who are always talking about their desire to get married as soon as possible. I'm all the sudden learning to deal with it, when I have no idea how because it's never something I have ever had to face.

      All i know is the pain of masturbation long term is not worth it,
      Its been almost 2 years for me of being 'clean' and the pain is still very much there at times.

      It is not worth it.

      November 10, 2012 at 3:31 am

      • atama647

        from what i have noticed not too meny men have much to say on this things.

        But I am 26 years old. my wife left me for a nother man a little over 5 years ago. she was the first women i had sex with but we did not wait tell marriage for our first time. I had made a promise to my self and to God that i would not have sex tell the day I remarried. so far i have been able to stick to that promise. But the more i push away from it the harder it gets to resist the temptation.

        I have to say that i will agrea with what you have to say about our bodies not being made to masturbate. all in all you hit the nail right on the head for me. i do feel guilty whenever i masturbate and every time i tell my self thsat this is not right. but like an addiction I do find my self wanting to go back to it.

        but reading through all these threads this one has answered the one question that i have been asking my self for a long time. so i just wanted to say think you

        November 12, 2012 at 12:37 pm

      • Ingrid

        Sounds more like a personal experience than reason to not masturbate. The women concerned with this do not feel guilt, were not traumatized and are not addicted. They feel no pain from the act.
        But I must say, if you feel it isn't right, maybe it's just not right for you to do for whatever reason. Sometimes God will tell us personally not to do something, although it is not a general rule. I have a strong conviction against littering and talking about myself. This doesn't mean it is a sin for people to litter or talk about themselves. It is just what God requires of me as an individual.

        March 25, 2013 at 8:36 pm

    • Anonymous

      someone quoted scripture about why masturbation is wrong and that you must visualize something.The last couple of times I have, I didn’t think of anything. these are the things that is left for interpretation, We can also quote the scripture to what we believe is best, but I think a lot of stuff that is embedded in us, is what we learn from our parents and church. I for one am sick of the religion jargon. Sometimes all these rules cause you to go crazy trying to be good. I will no longer let religion bind me. Let God speak to you. WHy would God give us this feeling? I Dont have the answers but I won’t stop releasing the urge.

      October 29, 2013 at 7:52 am

  13. Broken

    This hit home. Today. And because of that, I would really like to share my story. I'm in desperate need of a soundboard.

    I have struggled with masturbation since I was about 12. (I happen to be quickly approaching the age of 24). So many times in my life I have wondered what started it all. It is as if, one night, I discovered the pleasure. Like Satan dangling the juicy apple in front of Eve. Sure, I figured out it wasn't right. Sure, I tried to stop. Multiple times. But it took me until I was about to leave for college to actually stop. Only out of sheer necessity. I was going to be living with a roommate, for goodness sake. I had to stop. No other option.

    One could say I was able to snuff this sinful habit. God used me and my story to directly effect 70 some females at college. Praise the Lord, right? Right. I thought, "man, so this is why it all happened." Why I had to face so many years of thinking I was the only Christian in the entire world (and probably universe) who had this struggle. (Because I, like most of you, have grown up in a conservative church and/or christian home that habitually avoided the topic of sexuality like the plague. Awesome.) It all made since though. I knew there was a purpose.

    Fast forward through my 4.5 years in college. (Closer to the present than I care to admit). Some of you have been through this stage, some might be looking forward to it… But alas, here I am. In the transition stage of life. No one ever prepares you for such a stage. No class at college. No book you might read. Nothin'. The transition out of college and into the "real world."

    My "real world" looks something like this: Living with my rents. Feeling alone. Working a part-time job at my home church. Feeling alone. Lacking motivation. Searching for what's next. Feeling alone. Trying to find people my age to hang out with. Not truly connecting. Feeling alone. Etc. Etc. Seeing a pattern?

    Needless to say, my "habit" came back. In full force. But this time. Much worse. My sexual drive found another sexual being to masturbate with. Not male, but female. I have felt even more like the worst human being alive than I ever before. Not only was I taking myself down a path, but I was dragging someone down with me.

    Satan has used my sexuality in direct connection with my selfish nature. With my loneliness. With my desire to have purpose again.

    It is time to regain control of who God created me to be.

    I must understand my identity.

    September 15, 2011 at 1:33 pm

    • MCH

      Broken: proud of you for opening up. That is probably not easy. I pray God's love will be on you as you find and work hard for healing!

      September 15, 2011 at 4:19 pm

    • Praying for you right now. If you need someone to talk to outside of "regular" life that can help you process through, I certainly don't have all the answers but I would be so happy to listen & encourage you. you can message me at embracinggrace 25 (no space) at g (mail) .com :)

      Either way, I'm praying for you today & encouraged by your boldness!

      September 16, 2011 at 11:05 am

    • Natalie

      Precious girl,

      Beloved sister and friend. We are so much alike, and there is hope! There is hope. There is hope. I started masturbating probably around age 5 and had the incredible addiction up until about 2 years ago. I started having sex with girls in elementary and middle school, which came out full force my junior year of high school, when I just decided to be gay. Even though I knew that homosexuality is not God's design, it somehow seemed a lot less scary to me than having sex with guys. Maybe because I wouldn't get pregnant? Maybe because I could just justify it as "playing"? I don't know.

      I remember getting ready to go to college, and thinking, "Oh crap! Where will I masturbate then?!" God has been saving me day by day from this, and I have freedom.

      Sweet sister, you have been set free! You are chained no longer. Chains may be sitting around your ankles, but they are not locked, dear sister. What I mean is this: I remember getting really really pissed one night because I just felt that I needed to masturbate so bad. I was so frustrated why, with all my prayers, God was still allowing this. It may sound silly, but that night was the first time I ever realized I COULD say no—not necessarily that it was easy, but that this didn't have to control me. I remember literally laughing when I realized this—it didn't make it go away, but I realized I didn't have to be in slavery to my sex drive anymore.

      I will say this, my friend. With any strength you have, and the strength that you need to ask Jesus for, get out of any sexual relationship with another person. Masturbation addictions are bad enough, but the longer you stay in it with somebody else, the more confusing it gets. (It changes from something that feels purely sexual to something that really shatters every part of you)

      Please, please, precious girl, tell somebody. Somebody. Bringing things to the light helps strip them of their power. Also, I would encourage you to meditate and pray on 1 Corinthians 6. Your body was made for the Lord, and he has beautiful plans for you—plans for redemption, for beauty, for hope, and for restoration. You are not too far gone. Please hear me. You are not alone, and he is not finished with you. God's grace is big enough to conquer all sin, and you are loved right exactly where you are.

      I know this post is getting crazy long. Even though I don't know you, I love you, and am proud of you.

      Sweet father,
      thank you for my sister. thank you for her vulnerability. thank you that your light shines so brightly when we are at our most broken. Thank you that, even if she doesn't feel like it right now, she is a new creation in christ. Jesus, I ask that you would pull her out of this pit. I ask that you would fight for her and be her protector. Father, I ask that you would create boundaries for her and please keep her safe. I ask that if there has been any agreement with the demonic that it would be brought to the light and broken. Jesus, thank you for your healing power! Thank you for your gentleness with which you love us. Thank you that our bodies are for you, and can be satisfied by you. Thank you for offering to be our husband, master, brother, and friend. Holy spirit, I ask that you would bring courage and hope to guide my sister into your truth and your freedom of love. In jesus name, amen.

      April 16, 2012 at 5:44 pm

    • LonelyAndSad

      Oh Dear! My life story is similar to yours, except that I am a man. Also started masturbating at around 12. Similarly, I also understand/feel that masturbation is not right and feel shame. Now I'm approaching 30 and with years I understood that masturbation doesn't satisfy and leaves me empty. Unfortunately I still cannot abandon this habit. Sometimes it is simply unbearable and I hold it. But then after each time I do it I cry from emptiness and my soul screams in despair when I realize that I am still alone with no hope for "someone special to come in life". This feeling kills me after "each time" and it gets worse and worse.

      I feel pretty lost and I do not know what to do actually. I feel like I have no reason to live and there is nothing keeping me in this life. Now, I am definitely not suicidal and I would never kill myself or anything like that. But I simply feel like the joy of this life is over for me and I'm ready to "go", whenever that's going to happen. That's how empty this earth-life became for me.

      I have to admit that I have lost the very last and faint thread of hope to find someone, especially now that I realize that I will get over the dreadful 30s in a few months here. And I also completely do not understand how I ended up in this situation. I was said to be looking attractive multiple times, but yet something has kept me single. Maybe it's my shy nature from Christian raising held me from openly proposing some girls to date at early age. I even though at some point that it is a punishment for something, but could never come up with a reason for this. Then I even thought it is a curse. Last thing that temporarily revived me was thinking about Job's story, but it helped only for a few years and then I was back in pain again. Then I got into college and the business of my life contributed to that even more. So, here I am: approaching 30s, always kept my virginity (except the masturbation) and never even kissed anyone even though I had been proposed to by non-christian girls. And did I ever mention how my soul is screaming in pain from loneliness?

      I have a "very good life" in other areas supposedly. I have a good job, etc, etc. Many people in church see me as "very successful man" and say that I am "inspiring" to many people. This is only from their outside point of view, but inside I feel very lonely and hurt. Oh boy, if only they knew how miserable I feel and how I am screaming in pain inside my soul! I never shared this kind of information with anyone and don't think I will. I can only say it in forum like this because of internet anonymity.

      Another questions I wonder about: Where are the girls like the ones that write in this forum??? How come I have never met anyone like that in my church or others? Do you, girls, also simply not share it with anyone and put on a "everything's fine" mask when you go to church?

      Anyway, I know this forum was specifically about the "sexual drive" part of being single and I am sorry for writing out my entire life story here. It is just that my heart is full of pain inside and it spills, so please forgive me.

      January 30, 2013 at 8:03 am

      • Anonymous

        Dear Friend,

        Thank you for posting! I love how honest and real people are on this website, and I commend your courage for sharing your thoughts. I think a lot of people, including me, have been in the exact same shoes…and frankly it seems like a lot of guys are just too afraid to share their feelings,so it is nice to know that there are still guys out there who are looking for the right thing in a women. Please hang in there and know that the Lord has a very special plan for your life…after all, he is the God of the broken, and even though most people don't show it, there are a lot of us that all have sorrows in some way shape or form. You are not alone. Concentrate on the blessings, spend time doing things you enjoy…and enjoy things in the here and now. IT WILL GET BETTER:) God Bless you!

        February 8, 2013 at 1:29 am

      • Aiyana

        If they are like me, they keep their pain mainly to themselves and wonder if anything will ever change. I’m 34, I love a good Christian man but things stand in the way of us being able to be partners (on his side) and inside me screams at not being able to touch him, hold him, kiss him, be married to him and make love to him and be part of his life forever.
        I’ve had these feelings since I was 11, I think, and while I masturbated initially, that felt wrong so when I soon larned that it was, I stopped – but it was very hard. Managed to until more recent years – but as you say, masturbation is not fulfilling. I just really want a good husband to love and find it hard to not despair about ever getting one. So at times I give in. For me, I make sure that I’m not imagining sex with any person (as that is adultery), I just feel the physical feelings. But it’s just a small release, it doesn’t fill the need for a partner.
        The last year and a half have been almost intolerable for me – my need for a partner has grown so great! I don’t know what to do with all these feelings, so I’m glad so many of you shared here – a relief to not feel like the only woman with a massively strong sex drive. I thought maybe I was a freak ;)
        Best wishes to all of you, male and female, and God, please help us all know how you want us to be, and help us live that, please – we want to do what’s right.

        April 10, 2013 at 11:01 pm

    • joy

      Dear Broken…….I can truly understand the struggle, the loneliness, Believe it or not though, God can deliver you completely from this acting on those desires.
      You have to want it though, really want to be delivered. Sometimes, we kinda want to let go stuff, but only kinda.who wants to stop having those exciting sexually satisfying feelings really?
      I cried out to God at some point in my life, really wanting to stop this type of behaviour, REALLY wanting to stop! And surely he did do it. I was surprised myself at how delivered I was, and for many many years! I haven't tried with a woman per say, but the thought's did cross my mind sometime :-( That's another battle)

      Now After having been married and now divorced, I must admit the feelings are back a bit more, I guess having been married and having a sex life makes you wish for that again, so I am again having a struggle with this, but no where near the struggle I had before I was married and going through those young years of sexual desires battles.

      Just remember God loves you and made you, and yes he made you and I sexual beings. He understands and will help you. No, it may not be easy, but keep giving him those feelings, and He will come through for you. You are not the worst human being alive, everyone on the planet has these same thoughts and desires/lusts and have to struggle with this every time the feelings show up or some sexy lady or guy struts their stuff past us.
      There is a young guy right now who says he's crazy about me, I am 48 now, that's 2 years away from 50 so I'm feeling it a bit, but here is this young good looking guy, with the one thing I find most attractive and sexy in a man, beautiful brown skin….like chocolate I'm telling you, practically offering himself to me on a platter, BOY AM I TEMPTED! he's DRIVING ME CRAZY. but I guess I am grateful I still find men attractive and that I can still feel. I just try to stay away from him as much as I can…..but it has been tough again for a while.
      Well I have to go to God again and ask all over again, and I will need to ask God for the desire not to want this guy so much because this time, I am finding it difficult to want to stop these feelings!!! So there it is. A struggle for us all and nearly for every day!

      Remember this very important verse of scripture whenever you feel that I'm the worst person on earth feeling……" Christ came into the world to save sinners, of which I am the worst" (spoken by paul) and also the one that says Christ came to save sinners, not the righteous! so he's waiting to help you and save you and give you his wonderful grace help and provision as per a spouse. hang in there!

      March 23, 2014 at 7:50 pm

  14. carole

    I think the question of masturbation is one that needs to be brought up more often. and I'm so pleased it is being brought up in a very specific way. while masturbation is not address directly in the Word I do believe God addresses the principles behind it. Masturbation is about me. I am taking my physical body and it's desires into my own hands and choosing to fulfill a desire on my terms. It's about me. Now is it many times in an effort to avoid acting out sexually with a man–sure. But just because it's in the name of preventing a sin or relieving feelings does that make it right?

    We are indeed sexual beings. And it is a beautiful thing. And I pray that one day God will bless me with a husband that I can experience sex with BUT until then I have been called to complete reliability in the Lord for all things and I believe that includes my sexual desires. I lay those down at his feet just like I lay down my desires for a husband and a family.

    …..and on a side note…Jesus was not married. (I know I had to bring it up ;) ) He was fully human and fully God. I guess we will never REALLY know but I believe that means he had sexual feelings. And I also believe that means he did not act out because he was never married. Just something to think about ;)

    Read the article Lore posted (above) and also check out this sermon by John Piper. He has some awesome things to say about sex and our sexuality as an offering to the Lord.
    http://www.desiringgod.org/resource-library/confe

    as a fellow sister and a fellow struggler of masturbation I say that through Christ we can do all things. and one of those things I believe is remain pure in all forms by not masturbating.

    much love

    September 15, 2011 at 1:58 pm

    • Delta

      Thank you so much for this. I have struggled with this since I was 13, and had no idea what I was doing. I had no idea that other women struggled as I do and am so grateful for your honesty. I've told a friend to keep me accountable but it's still so difficult to even go a week at a time. I long for my husband and want to have something to offer him that is good and pure, and I know my mind at the very least has not been just that. Thank you again for being so honest and sharing this.

      September 17, 2011 at 6:25 pm

  15. Kim

    My heart breaks for you. That you have such guilt and shame over this issue. I think sometimes our shame about ourselves is what creates the isolation and loneliness. We can't tell people about our big shame sins because they will judge us or perhaps not love us. No one would love us if they really knew about it.__You are not alone, dear Broken. I feel similar shame about ANY alchol consumption I partake in. Others don't understand my shame. They think it's not that bad, or that I am not doing anything wrong. But they don't know my heart. And the shame I feel in my heart is the desire for escape, the desire to be alone and act selfishly. My actions might not be out of control, but my heart is. __I think sometimes the worst part of these shaming sins isn't the act itself, but rather the result of it – the isolation and guilt. That is where the devil sneaks in and takes control. __I don't want to make assumptions about this being how you feel. I shouldn't do that. But your admission struck something in me. And I want you to know that you naming your shame has allowed me to name mine.____Thank you for your truth, and God is working in both of us, even now.

    September 15, 2011 at 2:07 pm

    • Broken

      Thank you for sharing, Kim.

      Shame and guilt. They are such powerful feelings. I have felt them controlling my life through a variety of situations outside of the initial sinful turmoil. Often, I feel fake. My people pleasing/image upholding ways don't make anything easier. In fact, they create more shame, more guilt. I lie about being "okay" when people ask. When really, my insides are twisting into knots.

      I completely agree with your statement. "We can't tell people about our big shame sins because they will judge us or perhaps not love us. No one would love us if they really knew about it." I feel as though I have lost so much…respect and freedom especially. I don't trust those closest to me… Thus, I result to isolation. Or masturbation. It's funny how easily I trust those feelings…as fleeting and demeaning as they are.

      September 15, 2011 at 3:29 pm

  16. I dance.

    Mostly lindy hop, but I also balboa, shag, and occasionally blues dance.

    Partnered, free form social dances will teach you a lot (and I mean A LOT) about your body, and, more to the point of this discussion, about how to connect your body with someone else’s, and in what to me has been the safest, least threatening way imaginable. Dancing has made me feel more like a woman. Moreover, it made me feel more like embracing my identity as a woman.

    I’m twenty five, single, and about as virginal as they come. I wasn’t exactly a tomboy growing up, but my mother died when I was eleven, so I entered my most awkward and transformative years without much in the way of womanly guidance. I feel now that, for a long time, I didn’t really know how to be feminine, especially in the context of a relationship. And I really feel like dance changed all of that. I found myself surrounded by women who were embracing at least the aesthetics of bygone feminine ideals, and who were wholly physically engaged with their dance partners, at least for the four minute duration of the song. It was almost magical to me, to watch the best of them move so perfectly in congruence with each other, knowing that absolutely none of it is choreographed beforehand. I came to learn it was all about paying attention to the subtle cues, about being flexible, relaxed, and accommodating, about learning to trust your partner, and above all, about having fun. I plan to carry these lessons into my marriage bed someday.

    It’s not exactly as though I’m using dance as a substitute for sex, but it is something I look at as valuable for developing that part of myself while still managing to have a great deal of fun. While it can be intimate (depending on the dance, your frame, and how comfortable you are with your partner; it’s all up to you), it’s not dirty. It is exuberant, expressive, and exhilarating. It’s the most fun I can imagine having with any man I’m not married to while feeling completely irreproachable about it.

    If you live anywhere near a relatively big city, odds are good there’s an active swing dance scene there. Latin dance, I’m sure, could serve a similar purpose. I will say, though, you need to have balance. You should be developing yourself emotionally, spiritually, and so on, or the relationships you develop in a dance scene could become unhealthy.

    Anyway, I hope this helps. Happy twirling, girls!

    September 15, 2011 at 2:50 pm

    • This is fantastic.

      September 15, 2011 at 4:22 pm

    • Yes! Completely agree with this perspective.

      September 15, 2011 at 5:13 pm

    • Hello, my friend. I love your post. It's nice to read about lindy hop in a non-dance forum. And I agree with your comment about balance…I wish I'd realized that over the past few years. The past year has had the most forward motion on the healthy relationships with other living beings front than in many years past. Balance. Hm.

      September 19, 2011 at 12:45 pm

    • Janet

      I'm a contra dancer, which is a pretty tame, folky sort of dance, kind of like square dancing. At any rate, I've heard dance referred to in that community as "a vertical expression of a horizontal desire"!

      March 31, 2012 at 12:54 am

    • Debbie Jane

      such wonderful, beautiful advice. I am 22 and have been dancing (social swing & ballroom) since I was 15 and it has been one of the greatest things I ever did for so many reasons. in relation to this particular topic, I think dance is the best way I can think of to explore and express our sexuality without compromising our purity in any way. Well, it's my favourite at least. :-)

      July 11, 2012 at 12:37 pm

    • SD<3

      Of all the responses I love this one the most!!
      I can understand where some of the girls are coming from when they say that masturbation is normal and it is a release and I've had christian friends who make the same argument but for some reason I just can't shake the guilt that others seem to have done with ease! And I don't know if it is because of the guilt that the "church" has put on me or because I struggled with it as a preteen and it led me to a very dark place. but it seems like I'm not alone in this what most would call a 'conservative' view on masturbation. Maybe its God or maybe its another twisted way that satan is again corrupting what God created to be good. Maybe we will never know for sure!

      Ive wracked my brain about this over and over and OVER and I love your response because your basically for me this is permission for me to stop spending so much time alone moping around wishing I could have sex or have a boyfriend. But to enjoy being a woman enjoy my body and its great to know that having sex and masturbating aren't the only ways to do that! Enjoying spending time with guys in a nonsexual way is also fulfilling too and partner Dancing is one of the best ways out there to do that!
      all I can say is thaaaaaank you!!!
      Some how this topic can be so dark and depressing! I thought sex was supposed to make us happy! haha
      Masturbating never personally made me happy it just seemed to make me want sex more.
      who knew that dancing was the answer!
      great advice chica;)

      April 7, 2013 at 8:03 pm

    • Aiyana

      Thankyou :) I love to dance but haven’t done so much in these past years – wonderful solution ;) I will try to do it :) :)

      April 10, 2013 at 11:09 pm

  17. Erica

    I was single and following Jesus until I finally got married at 35 (God's timing was Not mine, but He sure picked me a good guy!) so I was single with my sex drive for a long time.

    One thought that helped (and still helps) me is to talk about your sex drive, about sex, about your hopes and dreams and expectations a LOT … Especially with God. Thank Him for a healthy sex drive, even if you have to carry it around and keep it to yourself for a time. Journal it out, pray it out, cry it out, argue it out. God created you with this, He knows what you're going through, He's got big shoulders, He can take whatever burdens and grief and frustration and rage you need to dish. Our God has this trait where He seems to like us engaging in whatever communication with Him we can muster. A quick trip through Psalms is quite convincing about the range of emotions God is interested in hearing from us about. It won't always feel like a perfect fix necessarily, but over time it can develop pretty powerful habits of turning to God in all situations. Those habits will pay off for you when marriage comes. Being married doesn't solve everything when it comes to sex, it just gives one freedom to start expressing that sex drive on a new level.

    Imitate God's faithfulness: be faithful to your spouse now. My policy was and continues to be that I don't have sex with people I'm not married to. Since I'm married, that sounds like good policy, but the truth is that I made this decision as a pre teen when my DAD gave me HIS version of THE TALK, sharing that sex with one's spouse was the greatest thing ever and worth anticipating and protecting (awkward! And awesome!). My particular payoff? My husband was married once before, and that marriage ended when his ex left after 4 known affairs. It turned out to be super important to our relationship that I had started being faithful to him decades before we met and chose to bear out my habits of faithfulness by persisting in not having sex with him until he was, in fact, my husband. Now, I never knew until I finally got to know "the one" the exact way that God would use any obedience I offered Him. The point is, faithfulness is God's quality first, and the Bible says His faithfulness reaches to the skies. So choose faithfulness to God and to your unknown, un-named husband with faith in God that He sees you and will honor your sacrifices. By the way, although my husband couldn't offer me the same kind of sexual history i brought to him, the fact that he had been faithful to his first wife and pursued a chaste lifestyle after his divorce were very meaningful to me. So, even if someone's thinking "I'm not a virgin, so why bother?" I say, "bother.". Every and all efforts to establish habits and patterns of self control and faithfulness will bear fruit in your life. Shake off the shame. Go for it!

    September 16, 2011 at 10:52 pm

    • MichelleMarie

      This was important for me to read! Recently I've started feeling like a freak because I'm 29 and still a virgin – prompted by a date with a secular guy who, upon hearing I was a virgin (long story as to why this came up on a FIRST date), got really, really scared and weirded out, and high-tailed it outta there. It kind of made me feel ridiculous and stupid, so much so that I wished I had a few "mistakes" in my past in order to not look so weird and inhuman to other people. So thanks for blessing me with your story, it's a beautiful one. And I totally agree, keeping up the dialogue with God (sometimes, granted, it's more like a monologue) is key. Letting him into your most secret desires while keeping faithful to his commandments – wow, that's powerful, world-changing stuff.

      April 17, 2012 at 6:49 pm

      • Erica

        Oh, Michelle! If that was his response? He is SO not the right one, although what a horrible and depressing reaction coming so soon after. Inviting you out on a date! Ugh! The lifestyle you're living is so counter cultural that even many Christians don't know what to do with it. Hang in there. I am praying hope for you today.
        Love, Erica

        May 15, 2012 at 8:50 am

    • This was awesome, thanks for sharing.

      May 14, 2012 at 4:12 pm

      • Erica

        You're vary welcome. :)

        May 15, 2012 at 8:51 am

    • Courtney

      This is one of the best answers to how to deal with sexual desires while single.

      Today I've begun to think that I should journal about my sexual desires and thoughts. I think the best thing you said is to to vocalize your sexual desires and frustrations to God. Its simple but never thought to do it, instead I've simply struggled with the thoughts alone. Most of my friends are sexually active (even if they are Christian) and I have found that they cannot understand when I say that I'm struggling with lustful thoughts and looking at porn. They simply don't think its a big deal. For the times that I'm with a devoutly Christian group it seems it isn't something you discuss in any detail because you fear that people may judge you.

      I used to have an online accountability partner who abruptly stopped communicating years ago. I've recently been convicted to be more wise in my music and other media choices. I've also considered using exercise to work out my physical energy. I used to do dance (for fun) and I'm think I need to go back to it and even give things like belly dancing a try (for exercise and release). So that I can express my physical energy and sensuality in a healthy and holy way.

      February 20, 2014 at 11:40 pm

  18. Erica

    Realize that your sex drive is a gift from God, and celebrate it. Avoid shame, steer clear of condemnation, for Paul clearly preaches against these in Romans. If you make a mistake or fall down in some way, then confess your sin to God, receive His forgiveness, get back on the path with your good shepherd, and get moving again. (by the way, getting really good at taking your sin to God, confessing it, and really accepting His forgiveness and grace will totally pay off when your married. And you do something totally stupid. And you have to ask your husband's forgiveness. I'm just sayin' … Maybe I know someone that's happened to.or something. Ahem.) I meet so many Christian women who stuff their sex drive down out of fear or disgust or shame or condemnation or misunderstanding. God created sex! He created it to be good! Learn about it a bit. Check out some websites like themarriagebed.com where they recommend some good resources. You don't have to agree with everything everyone says, read and discuss and learn intelligently, think about what you read, stay away from topics that seem like too much for you, apply prayer and cautious discernment, but also get out there and learn a little bit. You don't have to go overboard. Once you do get married, you'll be glad you did. Being a virgin doesn't mean you have to be clueless and immature. Please, my sister, you're making a powerful and very healthy choice about your sexual activity. At the same time, you should be intimately familiar with how your body works just as an act of personal responsibility. There are a lot of different opinions on masturbation among Christians, but you don't have to go that far to treat your body well, indulge in warm baths or pedicures, keep yourself healthy and fit, learn how to dress modestly yet attractively. Let this sex drive of yours be good, even as it frustrates you at times. Let it be a source of hope and anticipation.

    Finally, realize that by doing all this you are walking in very counter-cultural ways. They will tell you that you are crazy, silly, and unhealthy to make such choices. They will make jokes about thirty year old virgins and laugh and laugh never guessing that one is in the room with them laughing along because that is just not something I shared with certain crowds. They will mock you for rejecting all their "freedom.". But the truths that by restraining your sex drive now, you are putting sexual freedom where it belongs: back in the marriage covenant where God intended it to be. Take heart. Persevere. I'm rooting for you, and so is Jesus.
    Love,
    Erica

    September 16, 2011 at 10:53 pm

    • nicki

      "Let it be a source of hope and anticipation."
      now that's a freeing thought!

      September 27, 2011 at 1:07 am

    • I'm so encouraged and challenged by what you have to say! Thanks for sharing!

      September 29, 2011 at 1:13 am

  19. simplysweet

    As others have said, I love that you asked this question! I'm in the same boat as you girl! SOmething that helps me, this will sound silly, but get active go for a run, take up cleaning as a hobby, take up a new sport. Continue conversations such as this with people you are close with that are dealing with the same temptations in a healthy way like you are now. And when your in a relationship before marriage recognize that God's strength is what helps to sustain you. He's called us to wait, therefore he'll give us the power to wait and recongize that a true man of God will work just as hard as you will to maintain your pureness b/c he recognizes that you are first and foremost God's treasure. I know that last one sounds simple enough but I quickly came to realize that with my last boyfriend. He led a church small group with me and I've known him and his family for years, but he quickly wanted to push kissing and even made attempts at moving his hands to inappropriate places and throw me inappropriate positions even after I told him that I simply wasn't ready to kiss him. God placed something in my heart that told me that I wasn't ready to kiss him. And in a moment of romance, God showed up and I was able to stand my ground, this quickly led to a conversation that day with me walking out and the break up. God was showing me that at this point and time, he's not mature enough in his relationship with God for a relationship with me. Because the man that God wants for you, will respect you as God's gift to him.

    September 21, 2011 at 2:16 pm

    • 'God was showing me that at this point and time, he's not mature enough in his relationship with God for a relationship with me. Because the man that God wants for you, will respect you as God's gift to him.'

      oooooo….that's IT right there. THAT'S IT!

      this just hit me in the face, simplysweet and wow. thank you for writing that. i really needed to hear/read that.

      thank you and bless you!!!

      September 24, 2011 at 3:02 am

    • He's called us to wait, therefore he'll give us the power to wait and recongize that a true man of God will work just as hard as you will to maintain your pureness b/c he recognizes that you are first and foremost God's treasure. THIS WAS SOOOO AWESOME. I STOLE SOME OF THIS AND PUT IT ON MY STATUS!!!!

      May 14, 2012 at 4:38 pm

  20. Pingback: Friday Five: Wise Counselors, Sex Drive & Getting Busy | Ally Spotts

  21. Ruthie D.

    I did this all wrong in my singleness. I avoided anything that might "turn me on" or lead to lustful thoughts. I thought of sex as "bad, bad, bad"—something to run away from or to use a biblical term "flee". Sex=bad.

    Now I'm married and sex=good. I've struggled b/c my mind still hasn't caught up. For years and years and years, I programmed my mind to think of sex as dirty and wrong. BAD. And then after putting on a white dress and saying "I do"–sex became GOOD.
    I wrote about "Am I crazy for waiting until marriage?" on my blog http://ruthiedean.com/2011/06/16/love-sex-dating/

    The truth is sex within marriage is God's design. Sex outside of marriage destroys. However, I'd wish I thought of "sex is good–with my husband–later". Sex isn't bad. It's glorifying to God in the right context.

    September 23, 2011 at 10:52 am

  22. itsasecret

    I am so happy that someone else is willing to talk about this very subject. For the longest time I thought I must be a bad Christian because I struggled with sexual thoughts. I have managed to stay a virgin, but not always with the best of motives. I was involved in a complicated and destructive relationship. While we never slept together, we did fool around a bit. It was fun. I would often leave his house feeling empty and hurt but that would not stop me from trying to see how close I could go without crossing the line. When the relationship fell apart, I thought the urges and curiosity would stop. I have prayed and confessed. I have aggressively and proactively sought to avoid the kinds of things that I know bring up those kinds of thoughts. God has done and is doing an incredible work in my life steering me away from sexual temptation. The best advice I have found is to consider it a journey of many small steps. Don't try to do this alone. Involve God and involve friends. Fight to stay pure today, in this hour, in this very moment. Eventually these moments will add up to a lot.

    September 25, 2011 at 7:14 pm

  23. Becky

    Something that really, truly helps me is to turn to Scripture. Just knowing that God knows. He KNOWS. He understands. The Bible doesn't go into detail about Jesus' personal thoughts, but he was single until he died as a fully grown man, so He TOTALLY understands what it's like to have these desires. Hebrews 4:15 – we do not have a High Priest who is unable to sympathize, because he was tempted in EVERY WAY, JUST as we are. How reassuring that is! And he was fully man as well as fully God, but you know what? The same power that lived in Him lives in us! What a wonderful promise!

    Not that it's easy, but just going to Jesus and asking for his power helps a lot. Asking him for the same power that enabled him to be faithful to his mission on earth, and for the same INTIMACY with the Father that he had.

    Also, allowing myself to receive the intimacy of God in Scripture. Claiming these truths:
    "he satisfies the longing soul, and the hungry soul he fills with good things." Psalm 107:9

    "Praise the Lord, my soul, and forget not his benefits…who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's." Psalm 103:2-5

    "My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food, and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips, when I remember you upon my bed, and meditate on you in the watches of the night." Psalm 63:5

    That last one especially gets me, because of where David's thoughts are "in the watches of the night." When no one is watching, when he could be thinking about anything (and when most men would think about a woman), he meditates on Yahweh! Something else about that verse – it shows the connection between body and soul. "My SOUL will be satisfied as with FOOD" – it appeals to a physical sense to show how our soul is satisfied. I think part of the problem is that we tend to separate the physical and the spiritual in the West, so it's hard to think of anything physical as being spiritually related. Therefore, it's hard to imagine how God could COMPLETELY satisfy us. But, as impossible as it may seem, this is what God promises. In the difficult, dark moments, when we feel alone and deprived of good things, that is when I have to cling to him and ask him to fill me completely and satisfy my entire soul.

    September 28, 2011 at 12:19 am

    • I'm so encouraged. I struggle with getting angry with God, because I'm single, a virgin, with no prospects. This is such a great reminder that God is not only on my side, but he understands what I am going through. Also, a reminder that God is the only one who can truly satisfy, not a man, not sex, (though they are good). Thanks for sharing this.

      September 29, 2011 at 3:07 am

    • Allie

      Hi Becky, wow! This is so encouraging! I’m amazed by how many are sharing their stories…. You know; there are times “SOMEWHERE” in your mind you’re thinking, (not that I wished it on anyone) there has got to be others that are having the same issues, but somehow it feels like I’m SO painfully, all alone in this. Having this burning desire to be Loved, Touched, Held, Kissed, you know, all those things that nature plays a big role in. Like, how do you stop thinking about it; than all of a sudden “Wait” I’m not supposed to be thinking or feeling like this, although it’s only natural right; these feeling doesn’t come just because you “GOT” married, but comes even before. Many days I prayed, Dear God! How do I get it of my mind? And for strength to endure, and being a ‘SINGLE’ Christian and all, those things are not to do, because, I have to wait until I’m married, and no way according to God’s will would I want to go against that, but it didn’t change the fact that I felt that way, and then I asked myself the question, IS IT A SIN TO FEEL THIS WAY??
      Although I know that God is ALWAYS, right there. Thank You God!! (And I love Him SO much) There were days when I REALLY didn’t know what to do…. Feeling SO frustrated wanting to be with someone, and having no one to reach out to; no other human to talk to; Kind of makes me want to do things to get in touch with my body. But in doing that; would make me feel so guilty, and would cry out to God for forgiveness/pardon….
      In my very early 20s like 21, I was kind of seeing this guy, we played/fooled around a bit, and being so tempted, I gave in. I decided that if he wanted to; I’ll just let him. With guilt on my mind the whole time; I knew that I was not supposed to, but I was curious, and we came SO “VERY close to doing it” but Holy Ghost, stopped it. I know that might sound crazy, but He did, and I am SO GRATEFUL, that He did, every time I think of it, I am SO thankful!! That tells me that I am PRECIOUS to God, and, had I done that; I would have regretted it, because, that is something SO special, and is for THAT person God has for me, “my husband” so it doesn’t matter how long it takes, or whether I would ever be married, whatever His will….
      I never tempt to make that mistake EVER since, and since that, I’ve had a few friends along the way, but I also knew that they were not God’s match for me, “in a nutshell” you just know! It was not always easy to except that, because I knew that meant, I had to wait some MORE, and now it has been like 7 LONG years, since I’ve dated a guy, and pretty much all my life, never had a “REAL” relationship. It is SO hard at times, even up to now, but, I am still hopeful. He does satisfy the longing soul…
      I am 41 years old now, never been married and refuse to let anyone, over step the boundaries of sexual intercourse or any kind of sex for that matter, UNLESS it’s with my husband, but I’ve got to tell you, it has NEVER, been an easy road waiting…. Especially when it feels like I have SO much to offer; but no one to give it to, at least not yet, I mean, we can give to others as much as we have to, by helping out how ever we can, but it’s not the same…
      I’m so glad I’ve asked a question and came upon this where Christians are sharing, so openly and in truth. All of you really have encouraged me. Thank you… After reading through it I felt so much better, because someone was willing to share their story. With that said; God in ALL His wisdom wants us to wait He never said it will be easy, He knows our pain and He knows just how to bring us peace, let’s just keep our mind stayed on Him. 

      August 3, 2013 at 1:42 pm

  24. I want to thank all the women that commented and shared their stories. I have been so encouraged! There is so much wisdom and much practical advise, I feel that I have a lot more ideas how to be single and handle having a sex drive.

    When I wrote this, I was afraid of posting this to my blog because I was afraid what would be thought of me. But I decided that it didn't matter, what other people thought because this was something that needed to be shared. I'm so glad I did because I discovered I wasn't alone.

    September 29, 2011 at 1:43 pm

    • Christian

      Hi Kristen I am a 22 year old man who also plans on staying pure until marriage and lately I have been struggling with staying on that path but reading that there are women who are also struggling with this but truly desire to and are trying to keep their virtue pure for their future husbands is really inspiring for me to stay pure for my future wife, I hope that you find it encouraging to know that there are still men in this world that truly desire to stay pure until marriage, trust me there are a lot more then you would think. Thank you for the inspiration!

      February 5, 2013 at 8:20 pm

    • Emn

      pray God for self control since He has power over us.

      August 10, 2013 at 2:42 pm

  25. When I was still healthy, I deal with this with regular exercise and keeping myself busy with work.

    This may not be the answer you want, but it works for me.

    October 4, 2011 at 5:10 am

  26. Kristin, great article and question! I also love what Erica shared in her reply:

    "Realize that your sex drive is a gift from God, and celebrate it …. I meet so many Christian women who stuff their sex drive down out of fear or disgust or shame or condemnation or misunderstanding. God created sex! He created it to be good! Learn about it a bit. Check out some websites like themarriagebed.com where they recommend some good resources. You don't have to agree with everything everyone says, read and discuss and learn intelligently, think about what you read, stay away from topics that seem like too much for you, apply prayer and cautious discernment … Being a virgin doesn't mean you have to be clueless and immature."

    Also, I personally believe that masturbation is a scruple, much like eating meat offered to idols was back in the Apostle Paul's day. It's a personal decision each of us has to make with a clear conscience before God. There's an excellent article on this that requires us to be completely honest with ourselves, and our man-made rules and traditions:
    http://www.christianforums.com/t7461240-10/#post5

    October 13, 2011 at 2:10 pm

  27. Claire

    This was just reposted, but I would like to add my voice to this page. I have exactly the same question as Kristen, and to date the only thing I can do about being sexual while single is waiting out the urges. That's it. I masturbate but not often ("not often" = compared to how often I used to and how often I actually want to). The reason I masturbate less is that I do actually think that what Paul says about a woman's body belonging to her husband directly involves my own vagina, and I ask myself how a man who is in love with me would feel about not having the monopoly in that area. Apart from that, sexuality is a very frequent battle, but I suppose to each his own, and the Lord is merciful. (I won't get started on how much I'd sometimes like to just walk into my church with a sign that says "HELLO – I WANT TO GET MARRIED" – that's another story).

    The idea of dancing is a good one though. I think that sexuality is also difficult to deal with as a single when you have body issues – masturbation was definitely a way for me to connect to my body as a kid.

    March 13, 2012 at 4:03 pm

  28. David

    I am a 28 year old celibate male, and this topic is one that hits me hard as well. I always thought that I should not feel sexual attraction until I was married, and felt great shame whenever I would feel such attraction. Like most others who have been there, that brought about struggles with pornography. I have come to the conclusions that suppression or denial is the wrong way to deal with it. Anger, and depression are both powerful emotions, that are natural and healthy when expressed right, and very destructive when expressed wrong.. The sex drive is no different, we are taught that sexual feelings outside of marriage is wrong, I am telling you, that conclusion is wrong. They are a natural part of being human, and should be enjoyed, and left to ride out to a natural dissipation, as it will. These feelings are meant to feel good, and we need to enjoy them. Feeling it is not wrong it's what you do with it. The Bible says that lust, and fornication is wrong, not being human. That is not to say don't be careful, dwelling in those feelings can easily lead to lust and sin (much like anger can). That's what I have learned, I hope it is useful.

    March 13, 2012 at 7:12 pm

  29. A sex drive is a natural thing, a desire God placed within us. There’s nothing wrong or sinful about it. And yes, the Bible is clear: sex is for married people only.

    I get that, and I know you get that…

    I was sexually abused growing up, so sex was something I knew about at an early age. I’ve also been a victim of years of misconceptions when it comes to sex, so I know where you are coming from. I’ve spent the past few years recovering from the abuses I experienced growing up and have dealt with the issue of guilt about how I was handling my drive. I’ve learned a great many things about myself and about who God is in the process. No one can tell you what is “right” or “wrong”…you look to God’s word for that. Trust the Spirit to teach you everything (John 14:26). When it comes to this – and every other area of my life – I’ve placed it in God’s hands, I trust Him. I know that may seem like the generic answer, but He is GOD. He created you, and He is not oblivious to what I or you or any of His children are going through. God wants us to go to Him for everything. There is no shame in that at all.

    Christ has become my first love…I have fallen for Him. My focus is on Him, on pleasing Him, and learning more and more about Who He is…and it seems it has replaced a lot of the struggles I used to have. I’ve just become overwhelmed by Him. God is a romancer. I had obsessed over my ideal man and the things I wanted, but I had to step back and learn that He knows what is best. If I don’t have it, I don’t need it.

    We each have our own convictions to deal with, and we can go to God to help sort them out. Study His word. Pray. It’s just as unhealthy to deny that our desires aren’t there, so don’t. Go to Him. I’m careful with what I expose myself to. I’ve noticed for myself that if I have a high intake of sexual content, it’s going to be on my mind…naturally. So when it comes to movies, books, television, music, etc., just know what you can take.

    “Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.” ~Phil. 4:8 (NASB)

    March 13, 2012 at 7:26 pm

  30. I would even love to know sometimes…And all though I am far from naive considering my past lifestyle and now I am living a much healthier one… holy bananas is it hard and its been about a year and half since I've last have had intercourse and the drive does not go away. The best suggestion like Erica said in a comment up above- " Journal it out, pray it out, cry it out, argue it out" and don't ever be ashamed of it!

    April 16, 2012 at 2:19 pm

  31. Laura

    Praise the Lord someone brought this up! Me and my friends are right there with you and dont know what to do. All we know is that our future husbands will love us. But until then….

    April 16, 2012 at 4:50 pm

  32. Natalie

    As somebody who had a masturbation addiction for almost 15 years, this has been something I've really had a hard time with!

    For a while, I tried to keep masturbating and justified it by telling myself that "because God gave me my sexual desires, it's okay for me to fulfill them." It wasn't always lustful for me; I could pray while masturbating. Weird, huh? God really broke that down when he showed me just how much it was owning & controlling me. A couple different scriptures, but especially 1 corinthians 6 truly shook me. I realized I could only have one master, and if I allowed it, my body would be that master.

    When I stopped masturbating, my body was so angry. It was almost like a withdrawal a drug addict would go through. I remember not even really being able to wash my genitals in the shower because they were so craving attention & pleasure. That only lasted a few days, but in the process I've found a few things that help.

    -Masturbating doesn't "release" anything. It tells your body, "Yes! I am having sex! Tell me to want it more!" Don't be deceived by your flesh—giving in to masturbation will only give you more craving.

    -When I am starting to get horny, I will do something active. Going on a run or even a walk helps me to get that energy out. (I wouldn't suggest bikerides, though…)

    -I use my sex drive to become closer with God. Rather than saying "BAD. BAD GIRL. NO." when I get aroused I literally give it over to God. I created, with God, a virginity box. (Side note–I'm not a virgin, but this has helped me to reclaim virginity as I walk as the bride of Christ). In my mind I have this beautiful little box. It is different colors depending on my mood, but it is beautiful, sacred, and only for me & him. When I have that sex drive, I bring it to him as a gift. I know this might sound crazy, but it has really helped me. If I am starting to get aroused, I can bring it to my father as a love gift to him—almost a sign of bowing down to him, and offering him all parts of me.

    -I usually don't watch movies or shows w/ a lot of sexual stuff because I know my body can't handle it. It's not legalistic for me, but just protective of my little delicate heart.

    -For me, thinking about my future husband actually isn't that helpful for me. My mind will substitute a picture of some man, and then I'm just having sex in my mind, and that is—according to Jesus–just as harmful as if I were doing it physically.

    I hope this helps. I'm so glad to have such honest and beautiful sisters!

    April 16, 2012 at 5:06 pm

    • Elly

      46 weeks later apparently, and I read this comment, and I wanted to thank you for your honesty. I laughed out loud when you said "I wouldn't suggest bike riding" because, oh do I ever know what that means!

      I only "discovered" masturbation in the last year and it was one of the saddest days of my life. I felt like my innocence and this beautiful sex drive that God gave me, that I have carefully been saving, was ripped away from me. I was instantly addicted. And it's been a struggle since, one that I am still unsure of how to deal with.

      Thanks for your advice. I, too, have given up any television with explicit sex in it. It never used to bother me because I couldn't fully understand it. But, I sure get it now, and it always turns me on and makes me struggle. I, also, think I will take up running again. When I do have sex in the future, I want to be fit and energised and ready for it!

      I think about sex a lot. And media/our environment/people around us doesn't help. And I know that the only place I can turn is to him. I remember a friend talking about her sexual struggle once and saying, "as soon as I confided in someone, as soon as I said it out loud and brought it into the light, it was gone." Satan holds power in this area because we don't talk about it enough. Bring it into the light, ladies! And our great, magnificent, healing God will forgive and wipe it away. Every. Time. No shame. No judgement or condemnation.

      I am really encouraged by reading all of the comments on here, so thank you. I am ever grateful and this gives me courage to take charge and deal with my masturbation issue and hold it out into the light. Because sin cannot survive in the light, and I'm giving this one to God.

      March 9, 2013 at 2:48 pm

  33. Rachel Clements

    I'm not married – and this is all totally different when you're married.

    My fiance and I had premarital sex.
    And, despite the guilt – it was really really really good.
    So we kept indulging.

    we are called to set our hearts on things that are pure, holy, noble, and true.

    I don't know about you – but sex is all consuming. Once you have it – it's all you want.

    You're most likely not thinking about God or how you can better serve Him or love those around you.

    Trying to remain pure now until my wedding day –
    – I can't watch racy movies (I'm not even talking R rated movies, I'm talking sometimes scenes from Nicholas Sparks movies have me ready to go)
    – I don't read Cosmo anymore

    Nonetheless – there are times when I would kill for sex with my fiance.
    Unfortunantly – this happens a LOT.

    I just keep myself busy.
    with anything.
    Work, reading, a movie, going out with a friend, anything. And listening to music with lyrics until I fall asleep – because those falling-asleep hours can be torture :)

    And pray – we are given sex drives for a reason : within the context of marriage, God uses sex as a way to physically mold us with our husbands as we have also become one emotionally through Him. It is an incredible amazing gift.

    Outside of marriage – if that relationship ends, then it is the physical ripping of flesh from the one that we have become – to two halves. Two very very broken people who are left with half of them missing. That's why God doesn't want us to have sex outside of marriage – because He's our Father and He knows how incredibly excruciating it is to experience that heartbreak.

    April 16, 2012 at 7:12 pm

  34. Pingback: How does a single woman handle her sex drive…

  35. Anonymous

    Girls (and the odd guy…),

    I can't tell you how thankful I am that I've found this site, this blog and your comments. I am a 21 year old (single) Christian girl, whose relationship with God is rocky at the best of times. I've dated before – a few boyfriends, one serious – and for each of these boys,sex was a no brainer and definitely a key part of a relationship. For me, it was not, and still is not. I fully intend – with the help of God and God alone, to keep sex for marriage.

    But roughly a year ago, I started masturbating. And have been doing so fairly regularly ever since. I can identify with all the emotions I've just read: "God gave me this sex drive, so I'm just using it", "I'd rather do this with myself than with a guy", "I'm not actually having sex" and so on and so forth. Prior to when I started, I thought masturbation was just something Joey and Chandler joked about in a seedy way in Friends. It's now coming to my realisation that it's an issue Christians do struggle with, and, more to the point, girls struggle with.

    Masturbation is something I hate and love doing. For those of you who do it, you'll be familiar with that (really quite awesome) feeling of pleasure, and it's only anticipating marriage further, when I can actually share that feeling with the person God wants me to share it with. But there's also that feeling of guilt, of dirtiness, and the constant worry that if God can't trust me with my sex drive on my own, how on earth will he trust me with it and with someone else?

    I don't have any particularly helpful comments – I've been seeking an outlook for what I've been keeping a secret for almost a year now. But thank you for being honest; thank you for your advice on diversions; thank you for helping me understand that I'm not alone in this, I'm not the only masturbating Christian girl in the world and that, even still, God is a God of overwhelming and undeserving grace and love.

    April 17, 2012 at 3:51 pm

  36. Anon

    i like the dancing idea. I took belly dancing and it was a lot of fun! Other than that, I don't know. I know I have sliped up in the whole purity thing and then i am like 'why' which is funny because untill about 2 years ago it was never a problem (i am 21 btw, and a virgin). However, i have also gotten closer to god recently so mabye i just didn't notice it as sin before. But, when you guys figure out the answer to this question let me know lol!

    April 26, 2012 at 9:15 pm

  37. I am so grateful to be reading all these responses. Thank goodness for the internet because I don't know how on earth would I have been able to communicate with such wonderful stories decades ago. I to am a 30 year old virgin.. saving myself for marriage. I don't condemn or judge anyone who doesn't agree with my choice, I respect everyones choices. However, I have questioned my own motive and intention in doing so. At my age, I have friends who no longer are, and not necessary are proud of their choice. That doesn't change anything when building relationships with friends. I have prayed for strength but precisely yesterday I mentioned to a group of girlfriends exactly what so many of you mentioned throughout this thread. The need to simply be real and speak about our needs and struggles. For so long I was taught that sex was a bad thing, so frowned upon so naturally I was conditioned to be so afraid of intimacy. Yes, there were other events that impacted this decision. Sadly enough, as a child I was introduced to sex by someone who thought molesting was ok. So, to say that I was introduced to sex in a very dirty shameful way would be an understatement. I have been able to forgive and move forward in that area of my life but now I am trying to find a balance for my sex drive. I long for this same experience, but have vowed to keep myself pure for my husband. There are days that are so much difficult to stay true to this, then others. I am working on finding the true intent in my heart to stay pure and be free to speak to others about the importance of value in a woman's life. Shame had a grip on my life for so long, even in church, but I have accepted the freedom of God's love in my life now. His love has given me faith to believe that there is more to life than what society has presented us. We have worth and value, and it's found in HIM! Thank you all for sharing your stories, I am praying that I can continue to speak freely and also that we may mentor the generation that is growing up. Let us teach them the truth.

    May 14, 2012 at 4:30 pm

  38. believer in Christ

    Thank you everyone for these wonderful, insightful comments. I'm 18, ready to go to college and yes I'm dealing with a bunch of these temptations! I love these pieces of advice from you guys: acknowledge it and deal with it, keep yourself busy, and immerse yourself in God instead. I couldn't sleep tonight because I was worrying myself to bits about sinning, but now I feel more at peace. Thank you!

    July 14, 2012 at 4:42 pm

  39. Not alone

    I am so thankful for everyone’s trannsperancy… I feel so much less alone reading stories of women that are seeking God but still struggle just like me! I’m thankful for Gods grace and mercy for sure. I was molested in 5th grade an unfortinatly that sw the first time I was aware of any kind of sexual arrousal and felt so much shame and guilt. At the time I didn’t know what that strange feeling was, but I now know. Through out high school I would experiment with boys but remained a virgin, mostly because I was still pretty fearful and uncomfortable around men/boys. In college this played out in me beginning to experiment with girls. I knew this was wrong according to God, but it was much less scary than being with a boy and once I started finding ways to fill that void I had and feed my sex drive I couldn’t stop. Around this time is when I started to masterbate. I have since found healing from the guilt and shame that came from those same sex relationships but I still struggle with how to deal with feelings of arrousal. I can no longer justify masterbating as being an okay form of release from what can often be painful sexual tension because I know God has called me to have self control in all areas of my life. I am praying for courage to find accountability and freedom in this area but its hard because i feel there is so mich shame and dirtiness surrounding this issue. Thanks for allowing this to be a place to share, I’ve never shared a lot of this before and it’s so good to be able to release it in a safe place.

    July 24, 2012 at 2:11 pm

  40. Anon

    I haven't read through all the comments so I'm not sure if someone asked this already, but what/how do you think/feel about masturbation if it is not an addiction and if you are not lusting when you do it? I used to be addicted to pornography, and the only way I know to NOT watch porn again is to masturbate. Thankfully I keep myself fairly busy or else I would be masturbating a lot more and would become addicted. There was a time where I was addicted to masturbation as well. What do you think? I have a lot of sexual energy pent up inside me and the only way I know how to not go have sex or watch porn is to masturbate. I hope I don't sound like a sex addict…

    August 2, 2012 at 6:04 pm

  41. Alli Olusola

    This thread is wonderful beyond words. As an almost 27-year-old single Christian woman who lives in a part of the world (Nigeria) where sexual issues are taken rather very strictly, most of the questions raised here are things I have struggled with.

    I made up my mind a long time ago to remain a virgin until marriage (and I still am) but it’s only recently that I realised my motives were wrong. At my subconscious was the thought that getting married as a virgin will give me the moral high ground with my husband which I can always throw at him when an argument calls for it.

    I have also struggled with masturbation (with its attendant guilt trips and all) for years so you can imagine how this is like living a double life. But with all these wonderful insights, I am making a fresh committment to God to remain pure to Him and Him only in thoughts, actions, and reactions, whether I get married or not.

    Thanks so much for sharing!

    August 12, 2012 at 12:14 pm

  42. guest

    I do not believe in sex before marriage, but I also cannot believe that it is wrong for single people to masturbate. I find for woment too we often get the short end of the stick. Men have nocturnal dreams relieveing pressure what do woment have. So can't masturbation be a comfort to the single person. Some women have never had boyfriends and never will. So they are just supposed to shower every day see their own bodies never be curious , and just pretend the sex drive does not exist. No I am not saying they should have sex. I am saying maybe masturbation is away to deal with stress.

    Single women have so much disappointment already ( no offense meant to those happily single) Every month a reminder , no children, hormone surge at the middle of the month reminder, no husband no sexual partner.

    Sorry neither do I buy the singe women should see Jesus as their husband. In Eden, God made Adam a helper because he said it is not good for man to be alone. Even though Adam probably had one of the closes direct access relationships to God, God still made him a wife.

    Just my 2 cents

    August 29, 2012 at 11:16 pm

  43. Keila Harris

    A whole year later, but I would still like to share my thoughts on this topic.
    I have had the same question for the past few years. My sex drive has been so peeked, you'd think I was doing something to fuel the fire!!
    I found myself trying to stay as busy as possible to stay distracted, however I would have trouble at night. I would toss and turn and like balls of fire, I would have to double over to contain myself.
    One night, I started to pray in frustration, "God, I cannot handle this! I am doing things the right way and my body still craves sex! Please! Please! YOU GAVE THIS TO ME! I know this is not a bad thing, but I can't use it right now! I just need you to take it for now… please just…"
    And I blacked out. I kid you not, like a light I faded. I was knocked out.

    The next time I started feeling the build up, I started to pray again… again, I couldn't tell you when I got to "Amen" to end it. God knocked me out.
    All that time of fighting it when all I had to do was admit I needed help handling it! God comes through every time.

    If I'm out and about (and falling asleep is clearly not a solution) I still stop and pray. god made this body. He knows what to do to give us release.
    One mayor another, that frustrated energy gets out. Through running, training, writing, talking, and simply enjoying the great things in life we have full access to! Trust God to help you out and he will. He has invested interest in you obeying his commandments.
    :) Guaranteed.

    I do look forward to the day when the man of God set apart for me does come along. I've been choosing sleep for a long time, it will be nice to turn it down instead, haha! I do know that even if the man is not in the plan, God gives sufficient grace. Do not focus on what you cannot do, focus on what you can do! And do not put yourself in compromising positions! Abstain from all appearances of evil. You know yourself better than the next person. You know what tempts you… if you need to look away during movies with sexual material, do so! This is no contest to see who can handle what. This is your dignity. This is your purity! Do not shoot yourself in the foot! Especially in relationships. The less intimacy during the time of proving God the better. Leave all the goods for marriage. I know I personally do not want to stoop moving forward once I start. Kiss me at the altar and let's keep going….. but that is another topic. I hope the straight up/knockout prayer works for those who read this! It was a lifesaver for me! Simple but effective!

    September 18, 2012 at 2:27 pm

  44. Ashley

    I am like most of you women. :) I am only 20 years old and have struggled with self stimulation ever since I was about 8 years old. I still struggle. I am a virgin to the fullest and have never been kissed. There have been times when I have masterbated 9 times a day. I have viewed pornography and sexted a few guys that I didnt even know or want to be with. I feel like an emotional whore because I flirted with those guys too. I thought, I have never met them, this is online, this isn’t real, I just want to masturbate and get high. It’s a drug to me. I think about it constantly. Another trigger is when I feel insecure about my body and breasts and whether my future husband will be sastisfied and turned on by me, I get insecure and masterbate to drug myself so I dont panic or care as muchI have gained some victory where I can go months without masturbating and then I get hit hard with temptation. I know for me, it is the physical release and I usually imagine what it is like to have an emotional connection with a man, him desiring me more than any other. I want to give myself to my husband fully. I dont ever want to give myself to any guy. NO FLIRTING, NO SEX, NO Kisses. I am so afraid I won’t make it. But I have been writing to my future husband to keep my eyes set on GOd and him. I am really addicted to everything about masterbation and imagining having sex with my future husband. I know I need to trust God to help me. I know sex would be most fulfilling with the one man God has ordained me for.I Can do all things through Christ who strengthens me! You can too. I just keep praying, there is no temptation that can overcome with Christ. I don’t know if I am making an idol out of sex, I just look forward to that in life. I am seriously just drugged by it. . Maybe I am trying to fill a void. But I hope this helps other girls like me relate and be encouraged. There are people with the same struggles.

    October 8, 2012 at 11:22 pm

    • Ashley

      Its Ashley again. I am so encouraged by your testimony of the “knockout prayer!” THank you Keila!

      October 8, 2012 at 11:27 pm

    • Ashley

      Its Ashley again. I am so encouraged by your testimony of the “knockout prayer!” THank you Keila! GOod tips Natalie!

      October 8, 2012 at 11:33 pm

  45. Ashley

    It's Ashley yet again.. But I am really concerned about the damage that I may have inflicted on my future marriage through masturbation and just being so consumed with the craving for sex. I am worried that my heart won't be all there for my husband because of foolish flirting with other guys that I didn't even know. How do you reverse the damage and take back your heart??????? Will God heal me? I dont even know wht needs to be healed! I just want to be whole for my husband and serving God.

    October 8, 2012 at 11:40 pm

  46. Ashley

    This is Ashley again.. Alot of times I get so frustrated because I dont want to stop thinking about sex because it really feels good and masturbation does too and I am SOOOOOOO afraid God doesnt have my best interests in mind and that if I give up masturbation I wont ever get to get married or have sex. I want to love God and believe in his goodness. I just want to let go and be at peace with whatever God's plan is for my sexuality. I just am afraid that if I let my sexuality go, then God will never give marriage or sex to me.
    FEel free to email me at mortuaryromance911@gmail.com.

    October 8, 2012 at 11:46 pm

  47. Maria

    All of you women are amazing. This is so encouraging to me. <3.

    October 12, 2012 at 11:59 pm

  48. The "sexual drives" or urges is not about sex. sure it is located in your sexual organs, but in metaphysical perspective, it is divine energy, a gift the comes to you for rejuvenation for this "sex drive" IS water of life for the FOUNTAIN of YOUTH- the body. like Markus said, keep yourself busy when that urge comes up, move, dance, sing, clean, wash car, sleep, move that energy up and around your body, do ANYTHING anything BUT engage in masturbation or in sex acts, unless it is a true soul mate union.

    October 29, 2012 at 4:08 am

    • I would have taken this advice, but then I took a look at your website. Sorry, but no thanks.

      October 29, 2012 at 4:41 am

  49. Ore

    I’m so thankful to you guys. I was exposed to masturbation before I even knew what sex was and I’ve struggled till today. I was so mad at myself and I needed to know if I was really the only ‘bad’ christian girl out there. I’m 20 and I want to stop masturbating. I know people say it’s not a sin but it feels wrong so I know it’s not part of God’s plan for me. I’m so glad to know I can talk to God about it now and I know he’ll help me through it. I really don’t know if I can talk to any one I know about it though…so, if any other girl feels like me and would like an email pal or something, feel free to hala. It feels like I’m the only dirty one among my friends.
    oreofe2010@yahoo.com

    P.s finding this page was a miracle.

    October 29, 2012 at 6:02 pm

  50. peter

    I'm in the same difficulty as you are, i speak to God every night over this topic, but I think to feed and grow our soul all we need is to keep the flesh barely alive and that only requires us to eat and drink. Sex is not a requirement for spiritual growth. I'm not sure if my reasoning is correct but that's at least how I try to convince myself.
    Peace!

    November 14, 2012 at 2:08 pm

  51. Just echoing all the ladies before me:

    Finding this site was a blessing. I discovered masturbation when I was 12 and at 28 still struggle on occasion. But God is faithful and has kept me from going to it many times, whether it was getting up out of the bed or calling a friend for an impromptu chat or running around the room or finding a fantastic post on a website.;-).

    1 Corinthians 10:13-”No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it.”

    Be encouraged, sisters. He can and will stop it.

    I too have found that being honest and saying to the Lord, “Um, a husband in my bed would be really good right now” works. Our Father knows our desires and pretending they aren’t there won’t help.

    November 15, 2012 at 1:59 am

  52. Also wanted to add that I also wonder how my sexuality will transfer over once I’m married. After years of abstinence and allegiance to purity, how will I become prepared for a life with sex in it?

    November 15, 2012 at 2:08 am

  53. MaryJane

    I actually got here by googling “how can single christian virgins cope with sexual desires?” and I am soooooo glad I am not alone in this struggle. I am a 22 year old “good” Nigeran girl who’s out of the university. I have never kissed a boy, held hands (passionately) with a boy and that’s because in my 22years on earth, I have never had a boyfriend. I have sexual desires. Sometimes all i think i want is to be kissed, sometimes i feel i need a guy to hold me or just be around me cos i’ve never felt that before.

    I don’t really remember when but i think i was in Junior High when i started reading love articles in the national dailies we have here and letters to love doctors from there i graduated into R18 movies and so on but it wasnt until i was in the university (a Christian one at that) that i started watching porn.

    I have always wanted to please God and keeping my virginity is one way i can do that but it’s not easy. I used to watch porn and get so engrossed that i’ll have to change my underwear afterwards and say a short prayer of forgiveness cause i just knew it wasn’t right. if it was, i wouldn’t have felt guilty or dirty. It’s just strange how very dirty i feel after watching porn and how i turn to God, church and all den months later, i’m changing my underwear and asking for forgiveness again and it just goes on. Then in my third year in the university, i discovered masturbation. Nothing intense, just something to help release the passion while i’m watching porn.

    Sometimes i try to tell myself i’m not sinning but deep down i know it’s not right. Sometimes i feel it’ll be less of a struggle if i had a boyfriend. other times I’m thankful to God that I have never been in a relationship cause maybe, just maybe i would have given in to temptation.

    Also i wonder, by God’s grace i remain a virgin and so does my future husband, what shall we do on our wedding night? would it be awkward?

    November 18, 2012 at 3:02 pm

    • Drayton

      Dear maryjane: Alert! Alert! Please, my sister, stay away from porn in all its facets. (Including romance books, Twilight stuff, or things like that) for the time being. Read Michelle Mckinney Hammonds books or websites. Personally, I like to read the book of Ruth and especially Song of Solomon. That book in the bible makes me think of personal worship; that often spills over to the idea of worshipping God almost ad intense as sexual desire. Its too beautiful to even want to ruin the moment with masturbation! It sounds odd but read for yourself and see. Here’s s few snippets. “Behold, my beloved has doves eyes… thy navel is a goblet… thy legs are like pillars…” This is not only Solomon and his wife to be talking, this is God and His bride, too! Israel and His adoptees, the church. Heady stuff!

      December 3, 2012 at 8:16 pm

  54. didi

    Hi everyone my name is didi. I want to share my story and it goes like dis. I was dating this doctor who I had sex with for the first time I thot we were going to get married cos we were pretty close but we broke up. I met this other great guy and I started dating him and slept with him too tho we are still dating but I have given my life to christ and I vowed never to have sex befor marriage cos its a detestable act in the sight of God. I spoke to him about it and he said we would stop sex but wen he calls @ times he tells me how horny he is and how he misses me I become uncomfortable. I don’t know if I should break up with him or be patient with him. Please I need some advice

    November 21, 2012 at 12:00 pm

    • Jenna

      Didi, you should break away from this guy. A man who has your best interests in mind won’t make you feel like that

      November 21, 2012 at 4:30 pm

  55. JoyP

    Wow, I knew other people were in the same boat as me, but I had never thought to seach for a forum like this where I could get encouragement from reading other people's stories.

    I started masturbating when I was 11. I first learnt about it during school sex ed, and as a curious child, well..you know. I've been doing it ever since and at the beginning, I thought it was fantastic. But as my relationship with God began to grow at about 15/16, the practice left me feeling extremely dirty and guilty. I read various contradicting articles about the Bible's viewpoint, and sometimes I felt I had the green light, but in the end, I could never shake the guilty, worthless feeling.

    But, as everyone on here seems to have found out already, that sex drive just grows and grows as you get older! I'm 20 years old and single, and I've never had a boyfriend, or sex (or a first kiss!) and my sex drive is pretty strong, especially as I often dream about having sex, to the point where I even orgasm in my sleep! Sometimes I wonder whether that's healthy, or whether that's a manifestation of my sin, and whether these dreams would cease if I followed a path of purity. Anyhow, I barely ever masturbate, but I did tonight, and the burden of the secret felt overwhelming.

    The most painful thing about it all is that I'm 100% convinced that God doesn't want me to do it, yet I totally block Him out of my mind in order to get on with it. Each time it becomes more and more difficult to ''look him in the face'' and ask for repentence, knowing that I did it in full knowledge of His view. I even feel him prompting me to talk to Him before I resort to masturbation, but I turn His offer down and pretend He isn't there.

    How amazing is His grace, that He still loves me?

    Sometimes the wait for a husband doesn't phase me, and I feel strong in my femininity and singleness. But most of the time, that wait is unbearable, mostly because I feel awkward around men, knowing so little about them because I've spent much of my life apart from them (I went to an all-girls UK secondary school). I long to have a man to protect me and to show me everything wonderful there is to experience in a relationship. I've been led on by a guy before, only to have my hopes crushed as it turns out he was just an extremely flirtatious character. It's amazing how these experiences scar you. I can't even begin to imagine what those of you who've been sexually abused are going through!!

    I, too, find that female masturbation has NEVER been talked about at any of the churches I've been to. At one of my churches, the struggle of masturbation was mentioned, but only the males of the church were addressed. Are men ignorant about female masturbation? Or knowledgeable but afraid to mention it? I hope one day soon that someone takes a stand in my church and mentions the m-word. Dun, dun, duuunnn, I could barely imagine it! I've never had anyone talk to me about the trap of masturbation, and I feel that hearing from older women who'd also struggled might have given me accountablility that could have helped me to overcome the temptation by now.

    I'm going to take what many of you have said on board and try to get active in other ways when my sex drive fires up. I'm also not going to beat myself up for having the temptation in the first place; I'm going to acknowledge it and thank God for it, and then ask Him to help me through it. :)

    Love to you all xx

    December 1, 2012 at 7:26 pm

  56. Kay

    Man omg! Seriously.. I think bout this ALL ALLLL the time! I struggle too with my sexuality. When I was little my mom told me not to have sex. They didnt give us ( my brother and I) the talk when we were younger. I learned about it in school and from friends. But the thing is when I turned 20– I thought I was gonna lose my mind! I have never in my life became sooo aroused to the point I was going to cry because I even felt the phyiscal pressure of being so in the mood. I know that may have been something no one wanted to read but hey i dc lol. I still deal with this to this day. I am very confused bout masturbation I started when I was 11 and did for 8 years. I was so happy to have my first "sober" birthday when I turned 21. When I had my first boyfriend though the urges got worse and my friend told me " Since you have a boyfriend it got worse" were not together anymore but I still struggle with it. Im deeply confused even though churches say its bad but one thing I have done since I got in my 20s– I started to do online research about my sexuality ( or in general) I learned so much stuff about what happens when you are going through adulthood that its insane! I am still a virgin and I can tell you that one morning my urges woke me up out of my sleep!!! I immediately started crying and asking God in my heart " Why is this happening to me?" I texted my then bf that I felt like God was mad at me for feeling so sexual. Even when Im listening to Christian music which I do 24- 7 ( sometimes classical music) and I feel bad for doing that so I turn it off cuz i know how im feeling. But I have asked God a million and one times to PLEASE not let me be a virgin the rest of my life becuz I will certainly L O S E it! I want to be married so I can unleash all of this that I have been holding in me and show my husband how much I love him by giving him a gift that a lot of men are after. I love being a virgin because it makes me stand out from others. But when I see non- virgins who are younger then me who do have sex become engaged and all that- I get discouraged and I feel like at times God hasn't chosen that guy for me yet. Even though I know He has.. I just am dying to meet him <3 this whole thread is bringing tears to my eyes because deep in my heart no matter what stupid crap I do– I want to make God the happiest Man ever.. I want to please him even though I know lately Im not really sure what He is calling me to do. But anyhow TEAM VIRGIN BRIDE TO BE OF THE FUTURE!!

    December 25, 2012 at 1:59 am

  57. Jim

    Every one keeps saying they are going wait or remain pure until marriage. What if that day never comes? What if everyone you meet wants to be "Just Friends". What if marriage is not part of Gods plan for you no matter how much you pray? Are you going to be happy at 30,40, or 50 having zero sexual release or companionship with opposite sex. I know this from personal experience. It is very depressing and lonely. There are days when I feel angry. All I'm saying is that admire anyone that can keep that commitment and be happy with it.

    December 29, 2012 at 12:36 am

  58. Megan

    Hello friends…I am so glad I found this article and this message thread! I have read every single post, and all of you have ministered to me in some way–either in sharing advice or in simply letting me know I’m not alone. I also grew up in a Christian family and was saved at a young age. I committed to save myself for marriage. I experimented with masturbation but never really got into a habit of that. I dated a lot but never fell in love until I was 35. I guess I’m glad I held out THAT long…haha! But anyway I really fell for my boyfriend. He was a Christian too…not a virgin, but he respected my commitment. He was everything I had ever prayed for in a husband. I loved him and he said he loved me. We talked about getting married. Anyway we experimented more and more physically, and one day we crossed the line. I never intended to have sex with him, but we just kinda worked our way down a slippery slope. And once I’d lost it to him, I saw no good reason to stop, so we just kept doing it. I went into a spiral of spiritual depression. He couldn’t help me, though he tried. I felt too ashamed to talk to my family or friends about it. In the end it was only God and His love and grace which got me through it. I now understood God’s grace and the depth of it in a whole new way.

    Anyway the boyfriend turned out to be a total jerk….left me high and dry. But I committed myself anew to never have sex with anyone else but my husband. And now that it’s been almost two years since I lost my virginity, it is still very hard. I have only dated one other guy since then. Fortunately he was not that interested in getting physically or emotionally close, so the subject of my ex never really came up and there was no temptation to sleep with him. But I know now that I’m weaker than I thought, and that I may never find a husband. Am I ready to be sexless for the rest of my life? Probably not, but I have to try!

    But people do bring up a valid point…what about people who will never marry? What if they DON’T have a call to singleness and desperately want a spouse? The numbers don’t work out for everyone to get married…there simply aren’t enough men! So yes, some of us will have to struggle with this OUR WHOLE LIVES. I’m not saying I have the answer, just that I’m becoming aware of just how much I need to rely on God.

    One book I have started reading which I highly recommend to all the ladies who are struggling is “Pure Heart: A Woman’s Guide to Sexual Integrity” by Shellie R. Warren. She is not some virginal church lady whosimply tells us not to do it. She has been there, she has struggled, she has failed, and she discusses all these issues in a frank and friendly way. She also addresses masturbation and other forms of sex outside of intercourse itself. I hope that all of my sisters here are able to read it! (I think there is a version for men too called “Pure Eyes,” for my brothers who are struggling.). Anyway may God bless all of you as you seek to find fulfillment in Him, and thank you so much for sharing!

    December 29, 2012 at 2:33 pm

  59. Amanda

    This may sound strange but recently, I believe the Lord gave me an idea about how to stay pure and celebrate those God-given sex drives. I am the kind of person that really appreciates tangible things. I know having a sex drive is not dirty or wrong…God created that part of our being! It is the actions that that sex drive leads us to that can dishonor Him…and He loves us so much! So, in order to celebrate my sexuality, I have bought a box that I am saving for my husband. Every time I am tempted to dwell on impure thoughts or please myself by masturbating, I get the box, pray, and choose to put those feelings in the box. My plan, then, is to give my box to my husband on our honeymoon with all the "stored up" desire and passion. I will give my husband permission to use this box whenever he would like, since I will have saved up years of desire and passion for him. I am looking forward to what this sex box will do for our marriage! =)

    January 8, 2013 at 11:29 pm

  60. Cielo

    Hi Everyone!

    I am so much thankful that I stumbled here. I shall share it with others who need help like we all do. Thank you so much for sharing.

    January 11, 2013 at 6:46 am

  61. Omillie

    Wow…. how can I explain how much I needed to find this.. I have not yet read all of this but I will make it my job over the next while… THANK YOU everyone so much for your honesty and openness on this thread. It is amazingly refreshing to know I am not alone.

    January 12, 2013 at 3:25 am

  62. Omillie

    Well I have read it all… and I am glad.

    While I shall not share my story so openly at this point…. thank you for your honestly and openness. I needed to know I wasn’t alone… thank you

    January 12, 2013 at 9:48 am

  63. Ellie

    Dude. Get a boyfriend, fall in love, and make love to him! Having a sex drive is natural and should not be a cause for shame in this day and age. Just be safe about it! Make sure you find a guy you SEE a FUTURE with. If you don't, than you're just giving yourself away for no reason. The way I see it, if you're going to have sex married–unmarried you should be in love and as long as there is love in a relationship –you're good to go! You can abstain if you want and it's possible to do it–you just have to think of what YOU want.

    January 22, 2013 at 3:20 am

  64. Tim

    I need to start by saying I found this while googleing “how to deal with sexual desires while single” & I am a 30 yo male.
    I guess as a Christian male you don’t realize that women have these feelings as well! I have had these feelings since I was a young young child and not sure if it has any play in it but I too was molested as a young child. I get real uncomfortable aound others at times but other times even though I have a very funny and fun loving attitude. I know the Bible doesn’t say anything about masterbation as you all are aware of but it does talk about having desires. I know I tried using the lack of talk about masterbation to my advantage and tried to keep pure thoughts while performing the shameful act but was still left with that discusted feeling that makes you wanna destroy yourself. I know that masterbation is just a stem of sexual desires but it is being sexual in nature which is WRONG, why do you think you feel so wretched when your done? So here are my struggles as a christian: sexuality, anger, trust, love. I think it is good to admit what you struggle with so you know what to work on. I’m in a strange area of my life with a billion questions of what’s to come. I being a man of God want to life my life to satisfy him and keep telling myself when I get these urges I need to change! I have no answers to this question other then take it to the Lord but the idea that I’m not alone is overpowering and makes me want to seek truth and answers. I am suppost to teach a young adults class in 2 weeks and looks like God has given me my topic again ;) Love you all and know that you are not alone on this! Facebook me by looking up my e_mail tim_ehrhart_jr@hotmail.com I will try to post about what I learn about this subject as I study more.

    January 22, 2013 at 9:29 am

  65. Guey

    I don’t think u should feel ashamed I’m sure everyone has masturbated before it’s just that no one talks about it unless they can remain anonymous. I now think we are animals so of course it’s natural for us to have sexual urges. Monkeys and apes actually rub each others genitals to releave stress even with members of the same sex and they don’t think is this moral it’s just perfectly normal. We are meant to procreate that’s why we have a sexdrive. My advice is there is no need to feel guilty about sex at all. The church has failed with sex they make u feel guilty about it when they shouldn’t. I don’t think you should have to wait untill marriage most people don’t get married till they’re 30 it’s unrealistic to remain celibate for that long. I’m not saying fuck anyone u can it’s your own choice. but if u have an urge it’s better to satisfy it than abstain, this is why all those priests sexuality has manifested in an unhealthy way they think abusing boys doesn’t count as sex what a mistake. Religion just interferes with sexuality, masturbate and relieve yourself and feel good about it don’t feel guilty youre perfectly normal and human. Have sex with your partner before you’re married as long asthat is what you want and yourecomfortable with it. This rule that christianty has to wait until marriage is just unrealistic for most people. You don’t want to get married too young just to fulfill you’re sexual urges cos that would be a mistake too. if you’re comfortable with onenightstands go for it just don’t feel guilty about them and kiss whoever you want waiting for marriage is not going to make much of a difference. It’s such a double standard anyway. They make us women seem impure just because we have human urges but men can fuck whoever and they don’t get criticized like us. It’s stupid women should celebrate their sexuality so go to some salsa, bachata, tango, samba classes and embrace yourself. Sex is normal you shouldn’t feel guilty about it at all just make sureyou don’t catch any STDs and if u don’t want to have a million kids obviously you’ll have to use protection. If not I guess your stuck being pregnant alot so whatever interests you. I’m sick of religion making sex seem to be a sin when it’s a natural part of life. Maybe they invented the virgin Mary story to make us all feel guilty but how on earth she could get pregnant unless artificial insemination existed then haha sex is normal religion just creates propaganda to make u think you have to abstain and feel guilty but I say it’s wrong that they tarnish sex it’s normal and it is beautiful you shouldn’t feel guilty about your sexuality at all.

    January 31, 2013 at 1:08 am

  66. Candace

    Glad I found this site. I thought that I was alone in my struggles.

    February 1, 2013 at 11:17 pm

  67. F.T.

    to all good women and men, we have each others' prayers in our struggle…

    February 2, 2013 at 5:45 am

  68. far from perfect

    I got so much wisdom from you guys that I feel obligated to reply. My short answer: Changing my perspective helped me to deal with sexual pressure in the long run.

    I had an ongoing back pain; I took painkillers for years, which was stupid because they gave only temporary relief. It is wise to find the cause not just symptom. Is sex the center of Christian ethics? ( I recommend Mere Christianity ; read book 2/ 3 before book 1 which is hard ). No, then why is it bothering us so much? My guess ; instant gratification is so prevailing in this world.
    One sister questioned what is a good way when we get horny at night? Open a window and look at the sky, stars and the moon. When I realized how small I am compared to billions of galaxies created by God, my problems (including sexual stress) became small. When I am frustrated thinking how long I should struggle with this monster which seems impossible to deal with, I see it from my small human perspective. But we believe eternal life in the heaven or hell. Compared to Eternity, even 100 years is a blink.

    For years ,I forgot to see the whole forest by focusing on only one tree. I naively thought my sexual sin will be over on my wedding. But as some sisters pointed out, we don’t know the future; our wedding might happen in 2 years or 30 years or never. And plus temptation for adultery. So I think it is more practical (and biblical) to set our destination to our death (or The Lord’s second coming) rather than to our wedding.
    I make more mistakes when I am in a hurry. If I rush into marriage decision , I might marry a very incompatible person; which is planning to fail; marriage is a real life not a chick flick; time for sexual intimacy might be not even 10%. Look around. How many Christians got divorced? Isn’t dealing with sexual pressure still less stressful than unhappy marriage?
    The Lord clearly said divorce is a sin; Divorce is not arguable like masturbation. ( do you believe no masturbation in old testament days?? There are full of weird detailed guidelines in the OT. Or the bible didn’t mention it because God knows us very well ; if you are a mom, you might be familiar with baby masturbation – well, it is a sin for me but I don’t think it is to everyone like some sisters said using Paul’s teaching about meat. ) This is my analogy: Would you be run over by a truck by focusing on avoiding a shit ? Yes, stepping on a poop has a bad consequence but how about being run over ?? We know that each sin has consequence. Mental adultery ( or anger ) is different from adultery ( or murder ) even though they are all sins.

    Some said they feel bad/dirty after masturbation. Remember that by God’s standard, we are bad/evil/sinful even after stopping any specific act. Isn’t our righteousness (including apostle Paul, you and me, all pastors ) like a dirty cloth according to the bible? We all deserve death if we want justice from God. I think we are more broken than we can ever imagine. I know that we can be right with God but that is just because of Christ. Devil can help us get over some sin but he can give the worst –pride. I know from my experience. When I think I am strong enough, I usually stumble.

    I keep celibacy for 10 years but still struggling with desire to have sex but aren't we all supposed to struggle? Jesus said there will be always temptation until death. When I focus on only this life on earth, it is sometimes very depressing but when I remind myself of joy with the Lord in heaven, I feel hope. Didn't Pope John Paul II say orgasm is a glimpse of joy in Heaven? I am glad true Christianity is freedom.
    I love you . God bless you.

    February 15, 2013 at 7:26 pm

  69. iknowethnot

    I commented on this post months ago when i first found it. This is a testimony guys! I decided i was going to always talk to God about it cuz He gave it to me, and my relationship with Him has grown so much. more importantly, i stopped masturbating. I didnt even notice when, but the urges aren't so strong anymore! It's like, i can just smile and say "thank you for reminding me i'm a normal, healthy woman" and move on! God is awesome! And He wants to know EVERYTHING!

    February 16, 2013 at 3:37 am

  70. Cieara

    I am so glad i stumbled over this site. I am a 26 years old single woman and a virgin. I had been having the desire for sex and marriage and had been strugling with masterbation since i was 8 years old. After reading everyones posts, i now have a better outlook on the issue and feel so much better. I had never felt comfortable about talking to someone about it for a fear of feeling ashamed and embarrised. Knowing that other women go through this and are able to express it, makes me feel able to be more open about it. I had been wanting to stop masturbating for a long time and this site also gave me a great reason how and more importantly why i should stop.

    February 26, 2013 at 9:40 pm

  71. kimbery

    …..

    March 1, 2013 at 9:43 pm

  72. aud

    I've been there too, people (well, let's face it, I am there.) I grew up in the kind of home where it was just assumed you wouldn't have sex and that was the end of it. We never had a 'sex talk' and I'm sure I never heard my parents even mention the word masturbation. But I started doing it, basically by accident. Then, I started to fantasize all the time and when that wasn't good enough to satisfy, I looked for pornographic stories online. I kept justifying it by saying that it was just stories; I wasn't watching videos or anything. But then I went away to college and had my own room and no self-control. It started to consume my thoughts and actions. I became focused on sexual desire and trying to make myself feel good. I even started trying to do it when i was at my parents' house over break. All the while, I went through this cycle of feeling horrible about it, then vowing to stop, then feeling desire again, then justifying my decision to masturbate and finally feeling guilty again.

    Then, I thought I was over it. I had prayed for the millionth time about it and thought I had stopped. I made it a couple of months, but soon gave in again. I couldn't figure out why I kept coming back to this and why God wouldn't just take this desire away from me because I thought I couldn't handle it. Well, that's the point, isn't it? I can't handle it on my own. And believe me, I was trying. Though I could make a case for masturbation not being directly prohibited in the Bible, what I could no longer argue with was the way it had taken over my life. I was 100% a slave to those feelings and set my thoughts on that rather than God. My entire life was ruled by my own desires. If I felt hungry, I ate whatever junky food I wanted. If I felt sexual desire, I masturbated to make myself feel good. If I didn't feel like studying, I didn't. That's not exactly the picture of the life Christ called us to, is it?

    Thanks everyone from sharing your stories. I am terrified that no one will understand this struggle or that if I tell people they won't understand so it's good to know there are some people that do.

    March 7, 2013 at 3:08 pm

  73. andre

    im a 19 year old christian dude and this sex drive thing is 'killin' me,like i stooped watching porn and masturbating last year(2012) mid-December and i do get the urge to do it sometimes but i miraculously just don't. is anyone like that? sometimes i think about it and say to myself its a waste of time because i have atleast 4 more years before i even start thinking about marriage,so,i take it each day at a time,praying for strength and courage because 4 years is a LONG time with the hormones and college coming up and after that finding a born again christian girl (sigh)
    but if I have stayed that long without porn and masturb. then i can pull it off and so can YOU :)

    March 11, 2013 at 1:21 pm

  74. Guest

    I was freed from masturbation and pornography in 2008. I however fell back into it a week or so ago and it has become a full fledged addiction. I know enough about God to know the flesh is contrary to His will and the flesh is what is being gratified during masturbation. I'm 25. I know that it's wrong and I try my best not to do it, but it seems like now there is some burning sensation going on or should I say SINsation. Inwardly, I wonder "Lord, You desire for me to be single now, which is why I am not with someone, but what's going on here?" I pray for God to deliver me from this problem, He has done it before. I've been learning about God for some time now and I desire to please Him and live in the ways of righteousness, but the problem is, my flesh is so unrighteous and dirty. God is forgiving, indeed and He loves no matter what, but it's important not to just sin to do it. Romans 6:1. I believe somehow some way God will make a way, but I cant see it. I dont want to make other believers stray because of my falls, but it's wrong in the eyes of God. Most of us, male and female have used pornography to satisfy something that was just "itching to be free." That's wrong as well, it's the lust of the eyes and the lust of the flesh like 1 John 3 says. We have to somehow pray to God and ask Him to give us this amazing grace to keep us holy and chaste in THIS area until we encounter His choice for us. Singleness, let's not even get into that ummkkayy, it's been rough, on and off, seeing the right girl, then realizing it was a distraction from satan. You are best to just wait and let God totally and 100% confirm His will. Wait on God for the mate, even when you think he is the right man for you. Let's keep each other in prayer, if we don't do this it's over for us….but Gods grace is abundant and where sin abounds and rules, grace does much the more. God Bless you all in the name of His gracious, loving and forgiving Son, Jesus the Christ.

    Father, by Your Sons blood we are saved. By Your Sons Cross we are delivered. Lord, we come to You in need to be freed from the sin of masturbation and pornography. Holy Spirit who lives in us, crucify the fleshly desires in our mind and bodies. Lord, consecrate us so we can live above sin and that sin would stay under our feet as it should be. Holy Spirit grace us with the gifts of patience so we can wait on Gods chosen choice for us as singles. Lord, we pray that as we are single, we are fruitful, teach us about You Lord. Father, we come to You and ask You collectively to do what no man, woman or person can do. Holy Spirit free us and live in us Jesus, live through us Jesus and mold us into the image of Christ, Father. Reveal Yourself to us and keep us away from satanic temptation, distraction, seduction and deception. Lord, we commit ourselves to You that in Your time we will have the desires of our heart and they will prove themselves to be from You by the fruit they bear in Your Son Jesus the Christs' name. amen.

    March 23, 2013 at 12:55 am

    • thanks I really like your advice

      December 27, 2013 at 10:15 pm

  75. aashi

    There are wheels of energy in our body as per yoga of hindu mythology. Sex energy and creative energy lie in same wheel .
    So practicing good hobby asclassicql music, classical dance , painting, stiching is a healthy direct way to channelize your
    Energy. Means you will naturally have very less sex drive. What resist always persit so dont stop tne thought just let it come and go.
    Mastrubation becomes a habit and wastage of energy. So avoid as much possible develop good hobby for natural
    Diversion. Plus avoid pornograpy to unnecessary invite trouble. But there is no sin, if mastrubation helps sometimes then ok.
    But best is why being a human with so much creatice energy just waste time insex drive, take it normal accept and go ahead.

    March 25, 2013 at 4:20 pm

  76. tika

    Hi, sisters and brothers…glad I found this article. I feel blessed with some of the comments. I am a 32 yo christian female. I can say that I'm a good christian. Few years back I met a guy online and we are chatting ever since. He is a good guy, until one day he shared about his struggles in masturbation. At first I tried to listen on him, and he also never asked me to do the pleasure. But then after awhile I realize that actually I have the same needs like him, and I started to share. He convinced me that it is human if I'd like to have that moment. Since I have been taught since kid that self-pleasure is a sin, so I never touched that area. Until one day I felt curious and tried. I didnt feel as I expected too in the beginning that was feeling guilty. I thought I was indifference, so I shared this feelings to that guy and he was pleased to know that. Therefore, since that time we like to have intimate chat without feeling guilty but only to understand that we belong to each other and kill our loneliness. My conclusion would be, I believe that God understands our limitation and sees how are trying so hard to fight the needs, thats how grace works. I surrender to God everytime I feel weak and lonely and have the desire as well. God gives us authority on how we can control ourselves, we will stop if things dont go to His permission. He speaks to our heart if those are over controlled. I believe you guys also listen to the same voice. So anytime I want the urge to do it, I'll just do it and be thankful if we are still having that moments. Hope this share could help. God bless you all.

    April 3, 2013 at 11:40 am

  77. Anonymous

    So thankful to have found this thread. I have read every single comment and it has encouraged my heart. I have never replied anything online before but I feel this is the right thing to do. I’m a 21 year old christian female who discovered masturbation about two years ago. I wouldn’t say I’m addicted to it and usually do it just tofall asleep…I suffer from insomnia sometimes due to stress and masturbation always makes me tired afterwards, which makes me sleep.
    I have a strong Christian boyfriend whom I want to marry soon, and even though we have never had sex we explored much of each others bodies in detail. My eyes were opened to a huge world of possibilities of pleasure…on which I sometimes feel is too premature for me. Nearly every night I would close my eyes and all I can think about is the fantasy of making love with him. Before my relationship to him, I was a romantic freak who saved her first kiss till age 18…even though it was a “righteous” decision to save dating (after being convicted of joshua harris book i kissed dating goodbye) and also my first kiss, i fantasied every night about it. after my first kiss(which i didnt think was great) made me think…what did I made kissing to be?? when fantasized, i set a huge standard for it, and i must say when the real thing happened i was disappointed. What now of me fantasizing about sex? how great in my head…will it be as great when i really lose virginity? What kind of unfair standard am I setting up for my future husband?
    I think that’s one way of helping me not do it even though fantasising and masturbation are not mentioned in the bible. I also believe that it is personal conviction. What does God want personally for you? To me abstaining is basically not having any kind of standard to compare to later on….It will not place unfair expectation to my future husband.
    Guilt is another thing that I find should be talked about. Many people here talk about guilt and shame after masturbation…I feel that too, especially if the next day I am serving in church…I feel that these negative feelings are a warning from God…that yes deep down we do feel it is wrong though there is no proof…and the fact is…we should trust that gut feeling.
    It’s so tough…… but He will never give us something that’s too hard for us to handle.

    April 4, 2013 at 3:53 pm

  78. God's Daugther

    The church never talks about this. The married women always says wait and pray, but its not that easy. For me its when right before my menstruation cycle comes on. I get super horny, and my hormones are out of control because of my body changes. I don’t understand why God will gives us these desires and we have to wait. I’m not running out having sex, but I want to. So I give in to masturbation but I feel empty, because its not fulfilling. I do agree that when you get married your partner maynot know how to please, because you know how to please yourself. I want to live right but what do I do with these urges every month, no one really has the answer only God. But the churches doing a horrible job,especially the married couples not reaching out to help with our struggles. When I’m married I will give an open ear to this issue.

    May 4, 2013 at 12:24 pm

  79. Anonymous

    I am 29 and single. Been single for 4 years. I struggle with pornography and masturbation and what makes it especially difficult is that i'm catholic and have to divulge my dirty secret habits in the confessional. The shame and guilt is indescribable. These habits have seriously interfered with the practice of my faith. Does anyone else have moments when they make a sincere resolve to quit and then find themselves back to square one? Nothing i've done worked. Prayer certainly helps but that's when you keep up with it.
    Recently, ive chosen to quit fighting, give up the self struggle and surrender the battle to Jesus. He gives me the power to overcome any sin.

    May 9, 2013 at 10:39 pm

  80. susan joseph

    i cant explain how shameful it is people know me as a strong lady they come to me for prayer when they need a friend but each time am ovulating i get a crazy sex drive and it seems like my strength to pray fades away havent told anyone but i really really want to get out of this God knows i do i just dont know how!!!!!!!

    i just need A friend i can tell and be accountable to

    May 25, 2013 at 10:40 am

    • God's Daugther

      I am the same way, right around the time I am about to ovulate or my menstruation cycle comes, I have this sex drive that is out of this world. Maybe because our body is getting ready to produce. But I hate feeling this. I will pray for you and everyone else on this blog. I am not sure why we have this desire, and we are suppose to tame ourselves. God has to intervene and hear our plea on this blog. I hope maybe a pastor or a leader in the church can shed some light on this for all of us. Because it seems like many people struggle with that urge and we have no avenue to express ourselves. I said God you have to marry me soon because it puts a damper on you and your faith when you are trying to live right.

      May 25, 2013 at 8:10 pm

  81. Pathfinder

    I am so very grateful to have found this thread – I don't even know how I came across it; I was, again, desperate from being single, from experiencing the sexual drive I could not saturate. By no means did I expect to run into a thread dealing with this topic so bluntly and directly… a thread that is religious-focused. God's working. Thank you all guys for being so sincere. I feel the urge to share my story, a consolation that might be of use for you, too. I apologize in advance for my testimonial being so long.
    I found out about masturbation when I was around 8-10 and got pretty much hooked to it for a long time. At the very same time this misconception was planted in my head that girls do not have erotic fantasies and it was us guys who were the perverts, which assumption stayed with me for the good part of my teen years and lead to many heartaches. Many. So…I am actually very glad this fallacy has been refuted here by so many women….you may not believe me but I am grateful for your confessions. I really DID believe I was a pervert 'cos I was male who thinks only of sex an nothing else. I had no idea what was going on in actuality with others. If only I knew I was not alone in my struggle…
    I got caught by my parents several times and was given "lectures". From today's perspective, my parents were quite liberal and pedagogically correct and sensitive, saying it was selfish, as I today believe it is. After this, I managed to stay clean for a year and then slipped to it again. Then before my leaving exam from high school, I really committed myself to passing it, I made a trade with God – so afraid I was from failing the exams that I stayed pure for about two months and saw a great psychical, cognitive, personal and spiritual development. I prayed regularly. At the graduation from the high school, I was blissfully happy, I could feel God's presence as if He was standing next to me. He guided me. Judging it from today's perspective, He was there.
    Then came university, and although I have stayed virgin, the impact that the non-religious colleagues and their worldly lives had on me was grave. It is only now that I realize how PROFOUNDLY the people around you affect you and (unintentionally) sabotage your strive, outlook on life and your endeavours in general. So, I pretty much fell into it again. Fell in love in the process, like twice. Or trice maybe. The last time it was really serious, like I really loved the girl from the very depth of my heart and I tell you this: I did not look at any other girl, both lustfully or in any other wantful way. I somehow sensed those were the looks that she should receive, not the other girls. The same applied to masturbation….strangely enough, I was not really horny at that time, but even when I was and was about to do it on my own, I somehow felt the whole process was lacking someone. That my body is not my body only. And that it was not about me only. Very strange feeling. It was only then when I realized the selfishness of the whole business. So I really did feel I was saving the drive for her, for my beloved one. Come to think of it, this is the lesson the girl, sent by God, was supposed to teach me.

    May 31, 2013 at 9:03 am

  82. Nelvin

    Am very happy 4 dis site.am a 27 old virgin.a good christain lady.i have great sex drive,i once had a boyfriend who was also a good christain but no longer a virgin he later introducing me to romance that nothing is wrong wit that.He said that if i love him i should not be feeling guity for kissin him and him touchin me we did that for 1yr and the relationship got broke.now am having sex drive i want to masturbate but i have now know that is not good.i will be glad if i start seeing my sex drive as normal thing through the help of these comments.

    June 11, 2013 at 11:17 am

  83. AAA

    My sex drive is also strong. I am 22 and got into sexy stuff when I was a kid. My friends and I used to "play" sex when I was little. And then one day playing with my Barbies, i put one of their legs between mine so that I could have it stable as it danced and I accidentally discovered masturbation. I was removed from the habit for years. Then went to college and go introduced to messing around by a guy. I have been stuck ever since. I am trying to get clean again but I want to do it so bad. I have been clean for a week. I want to continue being good, but my inward girl wants to be bad. I normally do it at night but when I don't, I wake up very aroused. It is very frustrating. I am trying to get it together so that I can have self control and make it easier for my husband. But oh the struggles of a horny woman scorned.

    June 17, 2013 at 3:09 pm

  84. I am a 45-year-old divorced woman. Men love to say that a man's sex drive is so much more intense than a woman's drive. I stop that nonsense on the spot. Men peak sexually at about the age of 18. Women peak at about 40. My sex drive would blow any man near me out of the water. What's the difference? Self respect and self control. Society tells men they are allowed to behave recklessly and selfishly because they can't help themselves, which is nonsense. Women give in because we are afraid our man will leave us if we don't. We want it just as much as they do, but we are more aware of the way our hearts get tangled up in the process AND how it damages our relationship with God.

    How do I keep a lid on my desires? I will tell you that it isn't easy! Most important is that I don't allow myself to indulge in sexual thoughts. Ladies– when you're on a diet, do you watch the Food Network? Do you fantasize about eating the things that got you popping the buttons on your jeans in the first place? Of course not. In the same way, when those thoughts creep into my head, I shift gears and don't give in to them. The less I think about it, the easier it becomes.

    Secondly, I am very selective when it comes to dating, and within that, created a way to have awesome conversations with my dates regarding BOUNDARIES. This was the hardest part for me. I ended up writing an entire book about it, titled, Dating, Sex, & Jesus. It will be released September 3rd, 2013.

    June 21, 2013 at 7:05 pm

    • Daniela

      Thank you for your post – I can absolutely relate! I'm a 41year old never married Christian woman, and I have the impression that my sex drive has been increasing year by year! It's sooo hard for me not to release my urges. Just this past weekend, I laid hands on myself again – after about 10 months of sobriety! I discovered masturbation at age 14, and I didn't really stop when I became a Christian at 18 and finally got baptized into my church at 23. It has been a long struggle. I did lose my virginity, as I had two boyfriends between ages 20 and 23, but ever since, no more courtship, no romance, nothing!

      Indeed, this hunger for intimacy is getting unbearable at times, but I do realize that I must distract myself. And I found the best way is to immerse myself in ministry. I'm glad that I can be a tool in the Lord's hands, and while I'm "waiting at the well" and serving my fellow men (like Rebecca did), my Isaac will hopefully soon enter the scene of my life…

      September 3, 2013 at 8:34 am

  85. ladyofGod

    thanks so much gor posting this. Everywhere i look its says masturbation is a good thing and then other places its a bad thing. And i feel happy that im not the only who wants to keep myself for marriage. Ive never masturbated before but there are dreams where that desire comes in. Sometimes it happens and its a shock to me. Ive been trying to figure out how to stop it. its so nice to share. But question how can this sex drive be kept on a low..

    July 16, 2013 at 2:25 pm

  86. Sharon Arinaitwe

    Thanx Kristin for asking that question :) i also struggle with the same problem. Parents in my country don’t talk about such stuff no matter how hard you ask them, they don have the courage to answer even “how did u guys meet” so we end up turning to google for all answers.
    And thanx to all of you who took your time to reply her :)

    July 19, 2013 at 1:49 am

  87. Mr. Bay

    God knows it all…..really learnt a great deal about my society from you guys. God bless!

    July 25, 2013 at 7:31 am

  88. i too started masturbation at a young age at 8 im 18 now. i struggled for a long time and eventually i didn’t feel guilty after it. at first ill masturbate alone then i started using porn then stories then anything i felt like. i did it like 30 times a year.
    But 2 months ago i quit and just this morning i felt something that I’ve never felt before and im scared that when i go to university this fall ill masturbate again.

    July 27, 2013 at 3:15 am

  89. Barbara

    I don't struggle with my sex drive and masturbation. I enjoy both thoroughly :) I am a single woman in my late 40s, and for whatever reason God has not brought a husband into my life. So be it. He did however give me a body and a sex drive. I don't see masturbation as too much different than any other bodily function, like going to the bathroom or blowing my nose. When I need to do it, I do it. I'm don't feel the need or desire to do it every day or even every week sometimes (it depends on my mood). I'm just a normal woman who loves God and is thankful for the ability to release the sexual tension that sometimes builds up. There's no guilt attached to it – why feel guilty about something that is completely normal? God created our unique and beautiful sexual selves, and He's the one who came up with the idea of orgasms (yeah, GO GOD!) :) Unfortunately religion has taken something beautiful and natural and turned it into something to be ashamed of, which is never what the Lord intended. So I'm going to enjoy my sexuality within the holy confines of my singleness. I suggest other single ladies do the same.

    July 30, 2013 at 2:20 pm

  90. matt

    I just divorced last year, when you lose everything it tends to put in perspective how much we really need Jesus. Now that i’m divorced it’s harder to contain my male sexual desires. You still have to avoid temptations. Everybody is different but for me I try to stay away from the sexual perversions. Sex and loneliness can really get you hard. Believe me I stayed single till I was 27 then found my lady. Problem was I never married first and got tired of waiting…..I put myself into a hugh mess. Nobody’s fault but mine. When my ex wife called it quit and told me she doesn’t want to be married it crushed me. I moved 1200 miles to be with her and started my life with her. My son is still with her but I am back in texas as they are in michigan. I felt so lost that all I do is hang on to the lord. One day I pray I will meet s good christian woman who will put God first. One mistake I made….Thank God I been forgiven. Honestly I stay away from masterbation I was hooked on it…so please….if it’s going to make you desire it more it could make you succumb to the sexual desires as well..so please becareful and never crease to pray. Its hard…I still wake up feeling bad over my dreams….until then I hold onto Jesus saving grace….it’s all we can do these days.

    August 1, 2013 at 11:20 am

  91. K

    I’m a teen girl and have been trying to keep my thoughts pure, and not day-dreaming about married life.
    I used to think that perhaps I was going to grow up into one of these “few” women who have a higher sex drive than their husbands.
    I thought this because it seemed that most Christian women were finding it easy to wait! I now know that the desires we have are good, as long as we act on them in a way that honors GOD.

    That’s the part I’m trying to figure out! How we can honour GOD with the sexuality he has given us.

    September 2, 2013 at 1:05 pm

  92. Kim

    My advice is to purposely put your sex drive to sleep and focus on the how much God loves you. Stay away from anything that tries to wake it up. It can be done. When you meet up with your husband he will appreciate the fact that you waited for him as hopefully he waited for you.

    October 2, 2013 at 7:06 pm

  93. beauty_4_ashes77

    @SAD & LONELY___ YEAH, WE DO HIDE IT WHEN WE GO TO CHURCH… CUZ IT`S FROWNED UPON! ANYTHING THAT SLIGHTLY DEVIATES FROM PERFECTION IS FROWNED UPON & CHASTIZED…. SO YES WE PUT ON A SMILE & FEEL JUST THE SAME WAY U DO! I ASKED THE SAME QUESTION TOO….. WHERES ALL THE GUYS THAT STRUGGLE?? DO THEY HIDE IT…? YES….. pfc.jackson2008@yahoo.com

    November 22, 2013 at 8:11 pm

  94. K

    Hi everyone, I found a website called moralrevolution.org and they said something I never really thought about. They said the reason we have a sex drive, is because we have to fight to get our virginity (or secondary virginity) to the marriage bed. Nothing worth having is easy to get.

    In other words, if you want something valuable, you have to work to get it.

    If you want to be pure for marriage, expect it to be difficult.

    I also found a great website for anyone struggling to pursue a life of purity. It’s called settingcaptivesfree.com

    I am taking on of the FREE purity courses right now and God is showing me things in His word that I didn’t even know were there!

    I hope this helps :)

    December 28, 2013 at 3:15 am

    • thanks
      Knowing all that God promises to be for us in Christ both now and for endless ages to come with ever-increasing joy, frees us from the compulsion that we must avoid pain and maximize comfort in this world.

      We need not, and we dare not.

      Christ died to make our everlasting future bright with the supremacy of his own glory. And the effect he means for it to have now is: glad-hearted
      suffering in the path of love.
      my notes from John Piper sermon

      December 28, 2013 at 10:06 pm

  95. There is no designated time for anything in your life. You don’t have to have your first kiss at any certain time, you don’t have to get married in your 20′s and you don’t have to do anything just because other people think it’s best. In fact, you will be much better off if you just do what God says. The day you stop caring what other people think is the day their opinions don’t mean anything, because you’re not there to give them weight.

    Worldliness is a mindset that says the here and the now is all that matters. The flesh is the selfish part of you that wants to be God, it is not the body it is the desire to be God to call your own shots, do what you want. One thing you have to remember is the devils job, is to do in your life the same thing the world and the flesh want to do and that is to destroy your peace and joy.
    The devils main job is not to tempt you it is to accuse you, so a demon comes around after the flesh and the world are already aggrevating you and says "you call yourself a christian"

    There is not only one enemy. The world, the flesh and the devil come after you to try to get your conscience to go crazy. They come along side you and talk to you about your recurrent sin and say "hey you should be better by now" they may be right because most of the lie has a lot of truth in it. But what they are trying to do is make you look more at your sins than at your Savior. The reason that you will lose is that they come along side of you and poison your conscience but Remember your very sadness is a sign of the work of God in your life.

    All the great christians were constantly dealing with these things.

    Remember in the bible how the apostle Paul had a thorn in the flesh and asked God to take it away but God never did. It doesn't matter what the thorn in the flesh was, thats not the point. The point is that Paul stayed faithful to God while the thorn in his flesh remained. Most christians don't expect attacks on their peace and joy, sure you know life will be hard but how hard do you expect it to be?

    Christians do not come into the christian life with the proper expectations. Realize that you have more enemies than a non christians, when you weren't a christian you enemy was God but as a christian you have more enemies and they are bad. They are the world, the flesh, and the devil, the enemies can't pluck you out of Gods hand and they can't make you lose your salvation. The only thing they can do is make you totally ineffective and miserable that you lose hope and joy, that s what they're out to do.

    No one can explain God who can truly know what God is up to? Job in the bible didn't know what was happening but he stayed.
    All your requests to God should always be presented with thanksgiving meaning, You thank God before the request because you're saying

    "Lord whatever you do in response to this request is good, I thank you for it, if I'm asking for something which is at the wrong time and you don't give it to me I thank you for that, If you give me something the opposite of what I ask even though its going to be very very difficult, I'm not going to be happy about it, I'm not going to try to force joy that would be very wrong but I know that you are a God who knows what he is doing and I thank you for you're ordering of my life"

    that is both having Peace with God and the peace of God. But don't develop a counterpoint of peace which is cynicism and hardening your own heart because it can look like peace but its hopeless peace. Peace is confidence and trust in Gods wise and good control of your life its opposite is worry or anxiety or cynicism.

    Can you like Paul be happy without the things you want? Or like Job who managed to not curse God?

    December 28, 2013 at 8:49 pm

    • Even if you get married or not remember that this life if soooo short 90-120 years tops compared to eternity in heaven unless you want to stick around never forget you are a citizen of heaven. For you this is the closest you will ever get to hell for unbelievers this is the closest they will ever get to heaven.
      Don't curse God yet. For you never getting a spouse of the opposite sex and having a sexual drive may be your thorn in the flesh. Will you be able to still love God? Talk to God, really learn to hear the holy spirit.

      Last time I checked being married takes work, the devil didn't show up until there was marriage in the bible. Being married is not a reward sure its nice to have a companion but God uses marriage to highlight our sins and to make us more like Jesus. Don't even get me started on sex in marriage. An idol is something that promises anything it cannot deliver. An idol is a good thing turned into a god thing. Please don't idolize marriage, sex and a spouse and sincerely ask God if he thinks you have come to idolize any of these things. Because if any of them are above God in your life and you get them you will be so disappointed. Instead ask God how you can deal with this thorn in your flesh and be willing to obey what he would have you do because don't forget God is smarter than you.

      Read the story of Job because even though you aren't Job you can relate to him and read Psalms because they help you express a range of emotions to God that you can't seem to articulate.

      December 28, 2013 at 8:50 pm

      • Lastly its seems a lot of people are blaming the church honestly the church is still learning how to teach on sexuality its true men and boys are often addressed and women need that attention as well. But please don't fall into blameshifting the church. The church has a lot of flaws do not depend only on it to show you what it means to be a christian. We have a high priest his name is Jesus, go to him, he died for your sins I'm sure he has time in his schedule to listen to his brother or sister. Jesus died so we don't have to go to the temple with an animal to die for our weekly sin. Can you imagine if people had to bring animal to church! I think we often take for granted that we have God's holy spirit in us and that we can talk and pray to God on a whim. Don't depend on the church depend on Jesus, people will always fail you and let you down but Jesus won't.

        I'm not saying don't listen to anything church has to say but it is important to be so tight with God and read your bible that if your church started to stray or someone was feeding you heresy you would be discerning enough to see it. Ask yourself this, do you depend on your pastor to tell you who God is or do you know and pursue God for yourself. People blame the church for a lot of things. Don't you see the reason you might have this problem is because God might want you to speak out?! Never play the blame game it takes you around in a useless circle.

        Instead educate yourself l more about this subject and start a singles group and or talk to your youth pastor at church and ask talk to the young girls because it helps if you are a single woman who can relate to them. Youth pastors tend to be men and they can relate to boys sexuality but not to girls because lets be honest thats not what they're taught in seminary. If all this seems to much then write an anonymus letter to your church and have them take a survey for the youth and single adults, making sure that the answers can be given privately. If you want change you have to be honest with others, yourself and God and you have to work for it. If you won't take action don't point fingers, don't raise your fist at Christ's bride* (another name for the church) unless you're willing to help her change.
        I hope more people read and keep posting stories and advice
        God bless all of you

        December 28, 2013 at 8:51 pm

  96. Set Apart, Not Aside

    I, too, struggle, but there's strength in knowing I am not alone. At 49, with not even a kiss to claim, I've grown to accept that I am a sexual being, but it is a constant struggle to deal with my sexuality in a godly way. Lately, with the approach of menopause, I've been horrified to find my sex drive growing when everything I've read has led me to believe the opposite would occur. Maybe you have to actually be in menopause before your libido begins to diminish. (If that is the case, let it come soon!) Thank you to all who have shared their hearts so openly on this matter. It helps; it reminds me that I am not alone and that my Creator not only knows, but also understands. Singleness was not the life I necessarily chose, but I believe I have been called to it regardless. I guess that's why these desires have always been so confusingly difficult for me. I am, after all, a very passionate person…just like my Father. The biggest problem, I think, is that there's no one, other than Him, to talk freely to about these things. No one who truly understands…or at least, will admit to understanding. Until now. I have been encouraged and strengthened for yet another day. Eye has not seen and ear has not heard, neither has entered into the heart of this woman, the glory our God has in store for His Beloved. Right? That's what I cling to, but it sure is hard. I sometimes think I lose more battles than I win (I certainly have lately, at least), but I still belong to Him. As I lay last night, battle-worn and hungry, I prayed for us all. It's good to know I am not alone.

    May 11, 2014 at 11:07 am

  97. kafka

    I am a single 56 yo male and my sexual desire is driving me nuts…no problems with creativity when I had a partner…in fact, sex used to fuel my zest for life….but lately, as I have no partner for the last 5 years…..my sex drive is driving me crazy…..I cant seem to channel that energy somewhere else….I am an introvert, so that makes things more difficult ….any thoughts from anybody outhere?

    July 16, 2014 at 11:19 am

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