From The Men: A Woman’s Role In His Fight Against Porn
Editor’s Note: I am beyond thrilled to have Preston Yancey launch our “From The Men” month. For the rest of August we’ll be hearing things from the men’s perspective. First up? Preston gives women some phenomenal advice on how to handle a man’s struggle with pornography. You can read Preston’s blog here and follow him on Twitter at @prestonyancey. – Lauren
Lauren asked me to write some advice for women who are dating men struggling with pornography. Men who have made great progress, but the bite of this bitter fruit remains part of what they battle.
How does a good woman support a man she is falling in love with while maintaining good boundaries and respect for herself?
Before I attempt to ink anything of value across this page, there is something essential and fundamental that must be addressed first: are you the kind of woman who knows when to leave and when to stay? And are you the kind of woman who can stand by a man who is struggling with pornography?
You need to answer this frankly. It is my sincere hope you are a woman who is willing to tough it out alongside their struggling partners, and also to know when to end the relationship when it’s the hard choice that needs to be made. We need strong women of faith as much as we need strong men.
There is no way around how awful this is. Any addiction, pornography included, is deep-seated. As a woman, you should know how you will handle this in your own heart long before it is addressed. If it smacks you between the eyes one day that your boyfriend or husband is actually a human male, fallen and sinful in his own right, and you haven’t prepared your response, the damage to both of you can be devastating.
So let’s get down to the dirty details.
UNDERSTANDING PORNOGRAPHY
The most important thing I can tell you is that pornography isn’t about you.
When a woman discovers that he struggles with pornography, the common move is to place the crisis in terms of her own worth. She wonders if she’s not enough for him, if she isn’t fulfilling his needs, and she feels cheated on.
But this is the kicker: Porn is less to do with the lust of the flesh as it is to do with the lust for power and the ancient trickster cheat of pride.
The power of pornography is in the illusion of absolute control and submission. A posed woman excites the feeling of acceptance. Where other things in life are beyond a man’s control, this woman has submitted herself to him exclusively and without rejection. Or so it seems. Never mind that he’s not the one participating, nor is he the object of her attention and pleasure.
It is this sense of power and ultimate validation of manhood which makes porn so controlling and attractive. A man has no responsibility to this woman, but she nonetheless gives herself completely to him. So while the appeal of the flesh (sexual attraction) is certainly there, the true grip of pornography is the sense of complete fulfillment it promises.
It’s an empty promise, but you can’t simply reason your way free from it.
Porn isn’t as simple as a battle with lust; it’s a battle for validation. The fantasy is intoxicating, because it immediately affirms you – and simultaneously detaches you from all the real pain or disappointment in your life. It’s a cheap stress reliever. It’s instant availability, immediate and unrestrained.
Which is why no woman—let me be clear—no woman will ever save a man from an addiction to or struggle with pornography. She can be a motivator, but she will not be a savior.
We have a Savior. The only way a man overcomes pornography is by wrestling through it with Jesus – wrestling through his past, and with a continual determination to fight against the lust of his flesh and the desire for power.
Too often a woman’s reaction is to try and fix the situation, but she has no ability to do so.
Why?
Because this has been going on for a long time. Well before her. Because pornography has nothing to do with the real, present woman in the equation.
No matter how much a woman tries to make herself more beautiful and desirable to her man, it will never be enough. Never mind what pastors have tried to do in modern Christian circles by turning the marriage bed into a circus act of sexual delights. It will never be enough. The lure of pornography transcends the sensuality of the present, because the heart has been ensnared in a fantasy far beyond. Porn callouses a man and hardens his heart. It sets its roots deep and a woman isn’t enough to tear the wretched thing up by its roots.
Only Christ is our victory in sin, and sexual sin is one of the most obvious places where this is true. Dear woman, you cannot have victory over his sin. You have not caused it, and you cannot remedy it.
This makes things hard when in a dating relationship. As Christians we’ve done a real shabby job on some aspects of romantic relationships. Often enough, we turn dating into trial marriage. It’s not. That’s just crazy. Dating is the process of discerning if the other person in the relationships fulfills and strives toward the reasonable hopes you have for a future with that other person. If they don’t end up meeting the criteria, then it’s time to move on.
If a criterion you have is that a man be pure in heart, struggling with porn isn’t something you should take lightly.
GAUGING HIS STRUGGLE
Accordingly, there are a couple of questions I tend to pose to women who ask me about this: What does he mean by an addiction to pornography?
If a guy says he’s browsed some Internet porn four or five times in the last year, that’s one thing. He’s owning up to a blip, a stumbling – but isn’t confessing an addiction. Crap happens, repentance comes with it, he moves on. If a guy tells me that his struggle is at the place where he has an accountability partner but still needs to be actively involved in a support group, that’s something completely different.
My best friend is my accountability partner and I’m his. But we’re not in support groups for addictions to pornography. Why? Because we experience blips, not habitual failings. And because we have other sins that bother us beyond just sexual ones.
But a man who is so hardened and consumed by pornography that relies on a support group indicates a far more serious problem than a simple wrestling with lust. That is serious addiction. Legitimate addiction.
And here I repeat that a woman has no ability to fix this.
Addictions are not fixed by external forces; it’s best to let the professionals handle it and stay out of the way. An addition to pornography creates a massive stronghold that is not easily cracked.
I follow with this: How has he demonstrated a consistent desire for this to change, and how are you being wise?
Support groups and accountability partners are wonderful. But they are easy to fake. So if a man is serious about defeating this evil in his life, he will have taken steps beyond them.
There are programs/software (Good Women Project recommends X3Watch) available that will keep a record of all suspicious websites visited and email them to designated recipients. In the early stages of dating, that report should go to a man’s accountability partner. In a committed relationship heading towards marriage, this should be going to the woman, and then should go to her for the rest of their life together.
A good man should be able to demonstrate to you that he has restrained himself for you in preparation of the vow he will make that says, “forsaking all others.” He should set visible safeguards to he’s remind him of what he stands to lose (you!) if he stops fighting for what’s worth it.
That’s the big part of this whole mess. As a woman, do you know your worth?
If a man cannot keep his word to you and stay porn free, get the heartbreak out of the way now and walk away. There will be heartbreak later if you don’t and that heartbreak may have a ring on it that doesn’t simply slip off.
Again, a woman can propel a man to overcome his struggle, but he will only overcome it truly by surrendering to Christ.
Which brings me to two ground rules I think essential in this whole process.
GROUND RULES
The first: When you are dating a man, protect yourself by not asking questions that you have no business asking. It’s one thing to know that he is struggling. If he is demonstrating to you a commitment to change, that should be enough. You don’t need the details of what kind of porn he’s looking at.
That’s not your business; and, trust me, you don’t want to know.Porn is an easy evil. The things a man can end up imagining or engaging in mid-passion would horrify him if he considered it outside of the fever of lust.
As a woman, all it will do is cripple your soul and make you question your worth. Women should know what kind of evil pornography really is, but there’s a world of difference between understanding what it sells, how it works & the grip it has – and knowing the painful details. Save yourself that destruction. It’s hurt enough to know it exists, but suffocating to know more.
Second: Never, ever, ever, ever, ever get engaged to a man who is still consistently struggling with pornography.
I’m not talking about a mistake made every once in awhile in a year. I’m saying that if he’s still struggling regularly – or if you are uncomfortable with his Internet habits, then you need to pull yourself right out of that trap before it even begins.
He will not “get better” once you get married. He will not change for you if he hasn’t already. And you will hate yourself for the rest of your life because you will forever perceive your own body as your betrayer, because you couldn’t keep his interest. This is the ultimate heartbreak, because against porn you never had a chance. To fight in battles you’re guaranteed to lose.
WHAT DO YOU DO NOW?
The best gift a woman ever gave me came about 5 months into dating. She sat me down and said directly that she understood that guys struggled with lust. She understood that porn existed. She wasn’t going to tolerate me thinking that meant I could view it and she wouldn’t care, but she wanted me to know that she was willing to forgive me the same way I forgave her, provided that I committed to her my fight against pornography. She wasn’t going to try to be more sexy to keep my interest. She wasn’t going to compromise herself to compete with something she couldn’t compete with.
She didn’t even ask if I struggled. That wasn’t the point. She wanted me to know that she understood that this was a real problem. She wanted me to know that knowing this did not mean she thought less of herself, but that she already knew her worth. And when to draw a line where it needed to be drawn.
That gave me the chance to tell her that I had an accountability partner, that I struggled on occasion with it, and that I appreciated how she was willing to address it frankly and honestly. It only made our relationship better.
Honest discussion does not have to be explicit. Sometimes it’s enough to simply acknowledge the elephant in the room before you try to teach it to fly.
So what’s a girl to do?
A girl becomes a woman.
A woman knows her value and worth, she does not put up with a man who isn’t willing to commit to her faithfully. A woman decides her boundaries and puts herself with a man who is willing to defend them. A woman stands beside her man in so far as he is willing to keep his stand next to her.
A woman is first wed to Christ, who has never desired another in place of her or settled for a fantasy in her stead. A woman is then wed to a man, who has imperfectly desired another in place of her but has committed to perfecting the desire he has for her..
Want to join us & pass this along to other women in your life?
Follow Good Women Project on Twitter: @goodwomenproj
Be a fan on Facebook: facebook.com/goodwomenproject
Subscribe to our email newsletter for insider updates here or subscribe to the blog here. Or both.
Everyone on our team is volunteer, and we are funded 100% by you. If you'd like to donate, you can here.
We're also doing fun stuff on Tumblr, Instagram, and Pinterest!
This post is spot on! Great job Preston!
August 8, 2011 at 7:57 pm
Wow, Preston. Powerful stuff! Thank you for sharing.
August 8, 2011 at 8:28 pm
esh! wow…….. amazing! words escape me….this is SO GOOD!!
August 8, 2011 at 8:43 pm
This is excellent. I have a husband who has blips. And I struggle with the unworthy factor. It's not easy. And yes, it feels exactly like being cheated on. The only thing I can do is ask him, which is NOT easy because ignorance is bliss; and pray that God would remove the desire.
Thank you for your wisdom Preston.
August 8, 2011 at 9:53 pm
Wow! I think you are spot on about your definition of WHY and HOW porn gets a hold of good men.
But your article quickly becomes hateful and not helpful… what about women who aren't that strong – why should she try to even be what the Lord made her to be if she can't even walk away as you suggest? Or who meet the Lord too late – once she married a man addicted to porn? Or who knew the Lord but didn't have access to appropriate teachings about pornography? Or who grew up naive that this could even be an issue? Or what about the ones who realize that porn isn't about them and believe their commitment was bigger than the lies their man believes?
I can comprehend that it is harder for a woman when her man is addicted. But I can also comprehend that the Lord uses marriage to mold us. A woman cannot change a man and she cannot be his impetus for change. She can seek the wisdom of the Lord to be the woman He made her to be for the husband she believes He made for her. As his spouse, a woman can speak words into her man's life that breathe life and light and hunt out lies – that is part of the marriage bond. Similarly, she can seek the Lord to keep the lies from taking a strong hold in her life. A man could complain about dirty socks on the floor and open a strong hold for the enemy to make a woman believe she isn't a good enough housekeeper and thus not good enough for her man. Porn isn't the only thing inside marriage which the enemy uses to try to corrupt the best thing the Lord ever invented.
That third strand in a marriage – it manifests itself in many ways as we each are tasked with being the Lord's hands and feet. A woman needs to seek relationship with women who can uplift her and pray for her and her marriage. She may need to seek the help of a Christian counselor who can walk her through the maze she may find herself walking. She needs to find other sources of advice and counsel she can trust outside of the familial bonds she has in marriage (parents and in-laws aren't good counsel in this instance). This goes for women who are even just dealing with the housekeeper lies!
NOTHING is impossible with the LORD.
Our Father SPOKE the world into motion and your words have the exact same power in this world that has fallen. I am so sad that you have chosen words which speak self hatred and failure over many, many, many women and marriages in this world. You may think you are speaking to girls who are dating and haven't yet found their spouse. But if a woman is fighting the good fight, she may find herself on your blog seeking wise counsel on how to deal with a situation in which she finds herself irrevocably.
While so much of what you say is true about the root and lies that cause an addiction to porn, my gut reaction was to pray that these curses be broken over the women who you speak them over. Please, please, please realize the power of your words and think before you put into writing words such as these which only open doors for the enemy.
August 8, 2011 at 11:29 pm
this is incredible wisdom .. thanks for sharing.
August 9, 2011 at 12:07 am
Not gonna lie, I knew this post was coming and have legit been looking forward to it. I loved your honesty. To me, this seems like a topic/struggle that Christians don’t talk about and you’re supposed to just ‘fix’ on your own. It’s refreshing to see topics being discussed openly and honestly with a Godly perspective. I appreciate your writing so much Preston, keep up the good work!
August 9, 2011 at 12:13 am
Pingback: a woman’s role in his fight against porn – my guest post at the good women project | see preston blog
Wow.
I love the thought you put into this Preston!!!
I wonder if Lauren would have you or another tackle the “good woman” angle from two other perspectives: husband and son???
As a wife it’s different….we can’t just walk away from our man. And as a mother to teenage boys I am influential in how they handle the temptations of sex.
So, who is up for tackling those??? Advice for the Good Woman Wife addition and the Good Woman Mom Addition????
Anybody????
August 9, 2011 at 1:59 am
I began this post looking forward to it- needing it. But your first "ground rule"? Nonsense. You advise to not get engaged to a man who is knee deep in porn, but you advise the dating girl not to ask much? Dating is the time to ask everything, to lay out everything you can before you promise your entire future to someone. Had I asked those questions while dating, I would probably not be married now, and certainly would not be sitting here with a broken heart, thinking about divorce.
Please think more carefully about something so serious before giving such dangerous advice.
August 9, 2011 at 10:48 am
Preston… This is amazing truth you shared!! My husband struggled with adult porn all his life and in the first eight years of our marriage. In October, it will be three years he has been porn free. Thank you for being a very wise voice on this topic. It will help so many!! You ROCK!!!
August 9, 2011 at 1:27 pm
You've done a great job of tackling a difficult subject in a short space. You've also written with sensitivity and insight. Well done Preston.
August 9, 2011 at 5:46 pm
Very interesting read! My very first relationship was with a guy with whom I found out he had porn problem. I was very young, and did all the wrong things. I lost a part of my innocence that can't be reclaimed. When I started dating my now husband, I up front told him that porn was something that I can not deal with. He was open about having porn, but tossed it after our conversation. We've been together nearly 6 years, and married almost 2, and have had no porn problems. It is something I thank God for, and often.
August 16, 2011 at 10:12 am
Thank you for this. Six months into my marriage as a young twenty year old, I unexpectedly found out my husband had been addicted to porn his whole life and hidden it from me until that day. My world shattered. Unlike most young women I knew who were divorcing their husbands over this, I chose to stand by him and forgive him, as he was desiring to change and willing to do anything to change. Over the past few years, he has made tremendous steps and it has strengthened our marriage, BUT I still couldn't gain back my self worth. I couldn't understand it. He kept telling me it had nothing to do with me, but before this article, I never understand how that was possible. By explaining why men are drawn to it and how it's not related to the present woman, I finally see the light. I understand it (a little more at least). A weight has been lifted off my shoulders. So thank you.
August 24, 2011 at 2:06 pm
Pingback: Everything is Broken: Part 2 « Just Saskia's Blog
I wish I had read this article earlier. Yesterday my world shattered when my boyfriend (of whom I have considered marrying someday) admitted he has been addicted to porn since childhood. I had no response at the time, and am still grappling with the reality we will have to face–together or apart. I had very little understanding about the issue prior to reading this, and only after re-reading your article about 20 times am I even gaining a perspective that will help us deal with the situation. Thank you for being honest and open. It's the first sliver of hope I have felt in knowing that I'm not alone in this.
September 5, 2011 at 9:55 pm
Porn is something that never really fulfilled any of my desires in the first place but for many men porn does fill that desire.., preston says that pornography is centralized around the man wanting the power… not always true. What about the types of pornography out there in which the man desires to be submissive, he hasn't mentioned anything about that in this article. There are many men who do fit into that category though. . I agree with the part that says porn has nothing to do with you. It does in a way because you're with the guy so it does affect you but it does have nothing to do with you as a lover… you can be the smartest, most attractive woman on the planet & he still may be turning to porn to fill his needs…My point is, for some men, porn fills a void whatever that may be. There are many things that women can do which may remove that desire and steer him in another direction… . I have been telling female friends of mine this type of thing for years now & These things I'm referring to aren't even sexual either.. A marriage can be very strong, but that will not remove the addiction.. The only way to end the addiction is to end the DESIRE for it. Destroy the need for it by using your own power, that you may not realize you have, to make him not even think of porn any longer… it may sound simple, that's because it is… I do agree with Preston saying that you cannot be his savior.. that's absolutely correct you can't save him from it but what's also true is that you have powers that you may not realize you possess. You call the shots not him.. remember that… You have it in you to seduce him, to put him in a state where all he can do is think about you destroying any desire for porn or anything else for that matter… im being very vague right now so i will continue posting on this topic with more detailed information in the future…
September 11, 2011 at 10:14 pm
Great Article!
I am a woman and wife and can't reiterate enough that the men in our lives don't look at porn to hurt us, frankly, it's not about us!
If the #1 use of the computer is for pornography we should be acutely aware that this is a HUGE struggle in our society. Sadly, even young boys are infiltrated with these struggles at such a young age because it's everywhere! God places in us this sexuality and due to our sinful world this is a struggle that has taken over so many men, destroying who they are, as well as the relationships around them.
My husband struggles with pornography… sadly, he's had to deal with it since he was a young teen. He's shared with me that purity is always a choice and daily as a man he has to give his thoughts to God. Guys are visual and with the visuals women portray it makes it so much harder on the men that really want to think purely! My husband is not perfect – but he's honest about his struggles, he informs me that he has weakness that is amplified when stressed… but that's what the enemy wants, to hit men, and women when their down. I think it's important to pray for those we love… especially because we know this is such a struggle for men.
And ladies, encourage honesty with your partner and children… if you are confronted with an issue be careful not to overreact because you could do more harm by closing that line of communication. The honesty is what shows where a persons heart is on the subject. Most men feel ashamed and if we put them down or react negatively it can imply we think this struggle is more then they can overcome, but its not – because with God all things are possible! Just remember to love, forgive, and be supportive! =D
September 15, 2011 at 2:22 am
Pingback: well said. « love.on.fire
Pingback: A Practical Way to Deny Lust: A Guest Post From Preston Yancey | Ally Spotts
Pingback: Mortal Combat « Andrew J. Maulding's Blog
Pingback: Popular Post #2 Mortal Combat « AJM Reflejos
Pingback: A Practical Way to Deny Lust: A Guest Post From Preston Yancey | Allison Vesterfelt
Please help. A group is fighting against websites that promote sexual violence towards women and children and deceiving pornographic websites. A friend's name recently was mentioned on this site. I recently saw this video of the website. One website leads into another pornographic website that is degrading to women. This is a deceiving way to entice others into pornography.
Please see this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gF2P9jDA3LQ
Thank you
July 11, 2012 at 11:56 am
"There are programs/software (Good Women Project recommends X3Watch) "
I wouldn't recommend it. It's remarkably simple to bypass even for a guy who doesn't know much about computers.
July 12, 2012 at 6:02 pm
I am a bit shocked to hear a few times a year of porn viewing being addressed as "blips" and "crap happens". No, this is a serious sin. It should be treated as such. Few women would understand if their husband cheated "a few times a year". When you contrast that with a repentant man who admits to going to a support group because he is committed to rooting out this sin from his life, I can tell you the one I'd rather be with.
My husband has a porn issue. In the past it has happened a "few times a year". Let me tell you about him. He has spent time in support groups, baring his soul to other men, praying, asking for extreme accountability. He has submitted to very restrictive screening programs on our computer and has become completely willing to answer any question I, or the men in his group, ask about his activities. He has continued in this for years. When we walk through the mall, he turns his head away when we pass by Victoria's Secret. The other day, hiking, he asked me to look closer at a view and then explained quietly that he wanted to let the woman in short shorts who was right in front of us get far enough ahead so that he wouldn't be tempted to look. Why? He does ALL of this to keep his eyes and heart pure before the Lord and to honor me in our marriage. It wasn't always this way and I appreciate all the work he does about it now.
Ladies, if you have a choice between a man like my husband and a man who considers viewing porn every few months as "blips" or "crap happening", RUN from the guy who considers it a casual sin and doesn't consider himself to need help. Given the choice, would you rather date the man who attends AA for years and works hard to stay sober, or the one who breaks your heart getting drunk every few months and then says he is strong enough not to need help.
That being said, I do appreciate your statements about it not being about the women in the relationship and that they cannot change their husband. Amen to that.
July 16, 2013 at 12:01 am
It really is better to walk away from a man who openly advocates for his porn use and who is using porn regularly, or who is clearly struggling with it. He won't change until he wants to. I had talked with my ex before marriage about porn and was adamant that I didn't want it in my relationship. He told me 5 years into the marriage that he had lied and had always felt that it was none of my business and that there is nothing wrong with it. He ended up leaving me saying that I had a problem and was controlling him by not accepting porn. Not much you can do if someone lies like that, but if he does say openly that he likes it, he really does and nothing you say or do will convince him otherwise.
January 22, 2015 at 2:07 pm
That third strand in a marriage – it manifests itself in many ways as we each are tasked with being the Lord's hands and feet. A woman needs to seek relationship with women who can uplift her and pray for her and her marriage. She may need to seek the help of a Christian counselor who can walk her through the maze she may find herself walking. She needs to find other sources of advice and counsel she can trust outside of the familial bonds she has in marriage (parents and in-laws aren't good counsel in this instance). This goes for women who are even just dealing with the housekeeper lies!
May 13, 2015 at 10:45 am