They Do Exist.

Being Single: Divorced, Twice.

Editor’s Note: Today’s post was written by Amanda Smith. Her wisdom and beauty is one that comes only by years of grace, pain, and throwing herself at God. Amanda blogs at AmandaSmithRunner & tweets at @runninmandy. As a sidenote, are you single and struggling? Consider becoming a mentor/mentoree & find a real, raw friendship to love you through it. – Lauren

Yes. I am divorced. Twice.

Yes. It is incredibly embarrassing to this girl who never thought she’d be divorced once.

Yes. This is a hard blog to write but it frees myself and others from shame.

I will not go into details about either union… those are private and unimportant to this unveiling.

Two Divorces. One shattered soul. Two little girls. One life to live.

I began a journey at 22 with so much love I believed I would bust at the seams. I distinctly remember thinking “I’ll never be alone again” as I walked down the aisle in my dress after our vows. But I was wrong.

One woman can never correctly determine her path alone. She is at the mercy of God, and the mercy of others, no matter how she fights against this process.

By the time I reached thirty, I was a full on co-dependent wife of an addict and even more full on worn out chick. I had my first “aha” when the alarm sounded. I sat up on the side of the bed and thought, “I’m tired. I’m physically, emotionally, and spiritually worn completely out. I cannot remember the last 5 years of my life. I’m not doing this ONE MORE DAY.”

I would love to say it was a clean process and I released the marriage with a complete lack of baggage and issues. But we all now divorce is just not that way.

I threw myself into therapy. I fought like hell. I re-discovered life, memories, and how to live alone as a single mother.

I thought I had it, but deep inside, I knew I was lying to myself. The longings for a companion were steep. They devoured my nights, they pushed to me to my lowest weight in a decade, perfection in clothing, and a need to succeed.

I met my second husband, and I AGAIN thought to myself, “Life is NOW smooth sailing. I’ve paid my dues. I’ll never have THAT kind of loss and pain again.” Thus, I sugar-coated. I did not heed the inner voice, I looked the other way. Again. Wrong.

(At this point, let me state for the record that shall be spoken, I am NOT advocating divorce in any way. I love men, and there are great men out there. I wish I had been able to live that. But my story turned out differently.)

When the second divorce occurred, something inordinately different happened. I GOT IT. I got the point of God.

No ONE can replace the relationship with HIM or YOURSELF. I was freed. I in no way handled every day with grace and understanding. I didn’t. I failed, I hurt, and I still do at times.

Driving home today, I was struck by the peaceful calm of my soul. I have NEVER been this at peace. I have never experienced a happiness to my core as I do in these days.

I thought, “Wow, God…all along you were trying to teach me my own value. My worth to you if no one else…”

It’s a weird thought for women to consider living life out alone. I get it. We love love. We love emotions. I’m the queen of that. My ex told me I’m a “super connector,” and he’s right.

Love is grand. But here’s the deal, if you are single, who said your love can only come from a romantic encounter? I’ve learned that I receive love in so many different ways. In so many different relationships. In ways that are peaceful, freeing, and fulfilling. I do not have to be completed outside of myself any longer.

Listen to me closely: Tomorrow I might have a bad day. I might have to attend a school function with the girls and wish I had a husband to go with me. BUT, in my core? I’m in love with my life.

God freed me. In a very unconventional, embarrassing, messy way, I received healing. It’s a continuous, stumbling an amazingly large amount of times, hard road, but God is the only way for me.

I’ve quit doing things I don’t want to do. I’ve quit dressing to attract men. I’ve quit raising my children according to anyone’s opinion but my own and God’s. I’ve quit dieting like a crazy person. I LISTEN to myself, and to God.

In short, I’ve relaxed into life…I’ve relaxed into me…I’ve relaxed into HIM.

I’ve found and continue to be the person I was created to be. As cliche as this is going to sound, HE is my lover. He is my peace. He is my coolness.

I am not perfect; I skip devotionals, I miss prayer times more than I make them, I fall more than I run. I eat more than I run, I lose keys and I lose my way.

But isn’t that the beauty of it? We don’t have to be perfect. We just have to be His.


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23 Responses

  1. Only divorced once (fortunately), but I can relate: "God freed me. In a very unconventional, embarrassing, messy way, I received healing."

    Beautifully written. Thanks.

    September 16, 2011 at 12:57 am

    • i echo everything in madeleine’s comment. i, too, have only had to go through one divorce, but as i look back, i can see how God used it for my freedom and healing. for me, it’s a testimony to how He truly works all things together for good.

      thank you for being brave with your story, Amanda.
      xo,
      ep

      July 15, 2012 at 5:26 am

      • I like you

        March 16, 2013 at 10:13 am

  2. georgiasm1@yahoo.com

    Wow! As a mother of a divorced daughter, I am filled with hope and joy by reading this beautifully written, honest piece soothes my “Mothers heart”!

    September 16, 2011 at 8:45 am

  3. Liz

    Amanda. You have touched my heart. You make me want to love God MORE. Thank you for your honesty. You are beautiful because you are loved by God.

    September 16, 2011 at 11:40 am

  4. Amen. Thank you for sharing your story.

    September 16, 2011 at 12:16 pm

  5. Ya Ya's Rule

    Wow! A story of Real life, hurts, lessons and most importantly triumphs….to Him who is able may He continue to grant you love and mercy. Thanks for sharing your truth in such on honest and eloquent way.

    September 16, 2011 at 12:53 pm

  6. Jufin

    Tears are rolling! But, they're tears of JOY, for the blessed sweet PEACE…I KNOW you've found!
    What incredible words, what an amazing journey, what a MAGNIFICENT girl to stand and speak with unfashionable HONESTY the TRUE for her life…to be a LIGHT of HOPE!!
    Thank you!

    September 16, 2011 at 1:36 pm

  7. Trish

    Thank you for writing this. I am divorced, consumed with my diet, clothes, and exercise. Lately that has not been enough, I am ready for God to come back in. I have missed him.

    September 16, 2011 at 3:22 pm

  8. Lindsay

    "I thought, 'Wow, God…all along you were trying to teach me my own value. My worth to you if no one else…' " Perfect. That is a lesson we all need to learn, especially young girls, just starting to figure out life and love. I married my high school sweetheart because I didn't believe in my own worth, didn't believe I could be alone. Now that I have it, I see how wrong he is for me and am getting divorced. People may not agree with my decision but I have learned my lesson and am happy to live a life with God and all of the people that He has destined to be in my life.

    September 16, 2011 at 4:15 pm

  9. (fist bumps)
    I’m celebrating right alongside you, Mandy!
    When God gives you your value and worth and helps you to see how precious you are just you and Him… there is this magnificent DIGNITY and JOY no other human can EVER take away!! God has done that for me and it has given me a freedom and a…ohh my gosh I cannot describe how fabulous this feels!

    How does this affect how I relate to men?
    Marvelous!
    I have such a tremendous respect and gratitude for all God has done in my heart, that I am very choosy and discerning with who I grant access to my life.
    And yet I remain tender hearted and able to freely offer myself courageously to a man that I know deserves me.

    Strength and dignity are my clothing and I laugh at the future! (Prov. 31) I do long to be a wife again, and bringing my longing to Jesus with tender vulnerability has brought us closer than ever.

    Praying Isaiah 62 over myself using my own name in the verses transformed me.

    Thank you Amanda for offering your tender vulnerability in this post.
    Lots of love,
    Shula

    September 16, 2011 at 5:18 pm

  10. Dawn

    Aww this is amazing. Thank you so much for sharing. Im single and finally realizing the love of my life needs to be God, everything else will fall into place.

    September 19, 2011 at 8:34 am

  11. I am excited for your discovery of PEACE in the deep places of your being. My journey has held different messes than yours, but I share your experience with co-dependency. I have found that it was a significant contributor to my lack of peace, as well as causing all other kinds of trouble. It kept me focused on myself and others in very distorted ways. I have just recently been relishing in the kind of peace it seems that you are discovering as well– a peace that comes from sinking down deep into your own skin and being YOU, listening to yourself and to God, and living in the moment. And finally getting it that you get to live your life– and that's not selfish! I have found Melody Beattie's "Language of Letting Go" Daily meditations to be be very helpful on my path of healing from co-dependency. It's little daily reminders about what it looks like to live into freedom.

    September 20, 2011 at 1:53 pm

  12. Wow, this is so beautiful! Thank you for sharing it!!

    September 22, 2011 at 2:12 pm

  13. Amanda

    "We don’t have to be perfect. We just have to be His." Wow! Loved the entire piece, but loved this even more.

    September 23, 2011 at 3:13 pm

  14. Staci

    I am NOW divorced twice. And never thought I would be EVER be divorced. Both times, I was the one who left and filed. Both pretty amicably. I am told by many woman how strong they think I am, I have always been told that. I am not religious but agree that there are reasons behind decisions. I definitely learn from each day the little things that make the big things go 'round.
    Thanks for the support and the courage to write about it!

    January 25, 2012 at 12:03 am

  15. Bethany

    I am now twice divorced and I felt like I was reading my OWN life story!!! You blessed me to the core and God has a funny way of removing so many things in our lives until we turn to HIM!! I no longer am ashamed to say I have been divorced TWICE, that is not what matters anymore! Its that I am finally free to love my Jesus, who loved me all along but now I feel that same peace that you talk about. That has freed me more then anything.. Blessings to YOU!!

    July 14, 2012 at 9:16 pm

  16. Jenn

    your words inspire me, thank you for having the courage to share them.

    August 25, 2012 at 10:09 pm

  17. blessing

    I missed my wife which was my ex before badly. My family and friends were tired of me being so upset one of them actually ordered a Love Spell for me From dryakubuspelltemple@gmail.com I had no idea what they had done for me. They ordered the yakubu spell for me as i see to my eyes and feelings that it was my best and most powerful and effective Love Spell. Needless to say, I was shocked to see my wife at the door a week later with her eyes full of tears,.I cannot believe how well the spell worked any similar problem should call to him for help dryakubuspelltemple@gmail.com i believe h

    September 3, 2012 at 10:05 pm

  18. Rick

    I am a man with very similar story. I too am embarassed by two failed marriages. I have two daughters, one from each marriage.
    Thank you for sharing your story. It meant a lot for me to read something like this. I hope if I get to heaven that someone will say "a life well lived."
    Until then. . .

    February 19, 2013 at 11:01 pm

  19. Lynn

    It is amazing to me to hear part of your story. I am going through my second divorce now. Like you, I married my highschool sweetheart and thought we would be married forever. After 17 years he wanted a divorce due to meeting someone on a business trip and telling me that we had gotten married so young and he hadn't been able to enjoy a lot of things because of that. I turned to God and and after three or four years married someone from church. I was naive in thinking that because they were in my church we would have a good marriage. I ignored all the signs that were just common sense that we shouldn't marry. Because I did, I am embarrassed but going through a divorce after over
    twenty years. I just kept staying because I didn't want my family to be hurt. In Jan. the Lord told me to get out of this mess. I am 62 years old, not sure how I will make it , but I know God is for me. Thank you agin for your article.

    June 5, 2013 at 12:42 pm

  20. asklotta

    Jesus said to his disciples "Peace I leave you, My peace I give you"

    December 3, 2013 at 6:25 pm

  21. BereNice

    I'm only 23… and I'm in the process of being divorced for the second time. :(
    First marriage was when I became pregnant at age 15. (in which I was living Domestic Violence for 5 years)
    Second marriage was one year ago. and one year later I'm here separated and single parent again.
    Thankfully I only had one child and didn't have one with my former spouse.
    buy…I thought I had met the guy of my dreams. I Thought I was complete!
    He promised to never hurt me…
    though… days after the wedding he began to verbally and physically abuse me (Again went through Domestic Violence).
    Although this is hard, and I'm not saying I am proud of everything that's happening.. I can freely say that I feel a relive and peace… I know Jesus is my healer and I know he is slowly giving me rest in my heart.
    Thank you for your article… God bless

    April 24, 2014 at 9:00 pm

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