Being Single: Divorced, Twice.
Editor’s Note: Today’s post was written by Amanda Smith. Her wisdom and beauty is one that comes only by years of grace, pain, and throwing herself at God. Amanda blogs at AmandaSmithRunner & tweets at @runninmandy. As a sidenote, are you single and struggling? Consider becoming a mentor/mentoree & find a real, raw friendship to love you through it. – Lauren
Yes. I am divorced. Twice.
Yes. It is incredibly embarrassing to this girl who never thought she’d be divorced once.
Yes. This is a hard blog to write but it frees myself and others from shame.
I will not go into details about either union… those are private and unimportant to this unveiling.
Two Divorces. One shattered soul. Two little girls. One life to live.
I began a journey at 22 with so much love I believed I would bust at the seams. I distinctly remember thinking “I’ll never be alone again” as I walked down the aisle in my dress after our vows. But I was wrong.
One woman can never correctly determine her path alone. She is at the mercy of God, and the mercy of others, no matter how she fights against this process.
By the time I reached thirty, I was a full on co-dependent wife of an addict and even more full on worn out chick. I had my ﬁrst “aha” when the alarm sounded. I sat up on the side of the bed and thought, “I’m tired. I’m physically, emotionally, and spiritually worn completely out. I cannot remember the last 5 years of my life. I’m not doing this ONE MORE DAY.”
I would love to say it was a clean process and I released the marriage with a complete lack of baggage and issues. But we all now divorce is just not that way.
I threw myself into therapy. I fought like hell. I re-discovered life, memories, and how to live alone as a single mother.
I thought I had it, but deep inside, I knew I was lying to myself. The longings for a companion were steep. They devoured my nights, they pushed to me to my lowest weight in a decade, perfection in clothing, and a need to succeed.
I met my second husband, and I AGAIN thought to myself, “Life is NOW smooth sailing. I’ve paid my dues. I’ll never have THAT kind of loss and pain again.” Thus, I sugar-coated. I did not heed the inner voice, I looked the other way. Again. Wrong.
(At this point, let me state for the record that shall be spoken, I am NOT advocating divorce in any way. I love men, and there are great men out there. I wish I had been able to live that. But my story turned out differently.)
When the second divorce occurred, something inordinately different happened. I GOT IT. I got the point of God.
No ONE can replace the relationship with HIM or YOURSELF. I was freed. I in no way handled every day with grace and understanding. I didn’t. I failed, I hurt, and I still do at times.
Driving home today, I was struck by the peaceful calm of my soul. I have NEVER been this at peace. I have never experienced a happiness to my core as I do in these days.
I thought, “Wow, God…all along you were trying to teach me my own value. My worth to you if no one else…”
It’s a weird thought for women to consider living life out alone. I get it. We love love. We love emotions. I’m the queen of that. My ex told me I’m a “super connector,” and he’s right.
Love is grand. But here’s the deal, if you are single, who said your love can only come from a romantic encounter? I’ve learned that I receive love in so many different ways. In so many different relationships. In ways that are peaceful, freeing, and fulﬁlling. I do not have to be completed outside of myself any longer.
Listen to me closely: Tomorrow I might have a bad day. I might have to attend a school function with the girls and wish I had a husband to go with me. BUT, in my core? I’m in love with my life.
God freed me. In a very unconventional, embarrassing, messy way, I received healing. It’s a continuous, stumbling an amazingly large amount of times, hard road, but God is the only way for me.
I’ve quit doing things I don’t want to do. I’ve quit dressing to attract men. I’ve quit raising my children according to anyone’s opinion but my own and God’s. I’ve quit dieting like a crazy person. I LISTEN to myself, and to God.
In short, I’ve relaxed into life…I’ve relaxed into me…I’ve relaxed into HIM.
I’ve found and continue to be the person I was created to be. As cliche as this is going to sound, HE is my lover. He is my peace. He is my coolness.
I am not perfect; I skip devotionals, I miss prayer times more than I make them, I fall more than I run. I eat more than I run, I lose keys and I lose my way.
But isn’t that the beauty of it? We don’t have to be perfect. We just have to be His.
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