Being Single: Finding Goals, Purpose & Happiness.
Editor’s Note: If you’re single & reading this, I want strongly encourage you to do exactly what Laura did in her story today…make a list of goals to accomplish before you get married. If you want, share them in the comments below! We’d love to read them. You can find Laura Hill on Twitter at @laura_doom & on Facebook here! – Lauren
I was raised in a church and family that praised getting married young, and by the time I was 21 I was the oldest unmarried female in my family. I was constantly questioned about my singleness, and I always felt behind and inadequate.
I felt that I was not being useful as a single woman, and I felt that God would not properly use me until I was a wife and mother. It was all I had ever wanted, because it was all I was ever taught that I was truly good for. This is a lie.
In 1 Corinthians 7:34 Paul speaks on the blessing of singleness; “… a single woman is concerned about the Lord’s matters. She wants to serve the Lord with both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the matters of this world. She wants to know how she can please her husband.”
By no means am I speaking anything against marriage; simply that this verse speaks that there is purpose in every season. If we are constantly looking to change where we are, to find a husband, to start a family, then we are not reaping the full benefits of NOW. We are not properly utilizing the time we have, and we are not taking advantage of all the opportunities we have. And we SHOULD be!
I would have saved myself so much heartache if I had allowed myself to be purposefully single for the entire time that I have been single. Instead of wondering when my time was coming, or concerning myself with finding a boyfriend, I could have been allowing myself to be concerned with bettering myself, and my relationship with Jesus. I serve a purposeful, intentional God.
I spent three years in an abusive, manipulative relationship. If I had truly known myself and what to expect from a man, then I would have never been with him. It is when we are desperate that we settle. It was my impatience that caused me to go through the pain I did. There is always full healing and restoration for broken hearts, but we have to be aware of the things that happened to bring us to that place in order to protect ourselves in the future.
Impatience can be incredibly dangerous.
I’ve been single for years now, and though it gets lonely sometimes, I’ve learned that someone else cannot absolve loneliness. If I am lonely on my own, I will be lonely with someone else. It gets tough to wait because a relationship is something that I desire, but I know this season is just as purpose-full.
At first, I wasn’t happy – but what I’ve learned? That God is my comfort, my affection and my company. He loves in a completely genuine, unflawed way. He teaches me how to love like Him, and how to receive love that is real.
Yes, It’s hard to be single. I can’t just say to myself “Oh, I’m going to be happy being single now.” — and expect that to work. So, about a month and half ago I decided to make a list of all of the things that I want to achieve before I get married. I didn’t make it so I would have something to cross off and then know I could get married. I made the list so I would have things that I could focus on instead of worrying about focusing on a relationship.
Things I Want To Accomplish Before I Get Married
Get rid of at least one of my most distracting bad habits.
Read through the Bible at least once.
Write one last letter to my father, truly forgiving him.
Learn to play guitar proficiently.
Decorate my bedroom exactly how I want it, regardless of what anyone thinks, or how girly it is.
Learn to ride a bike.
Write an article on something and submit it somewhere online. It doesn’t matter if it ever does get published.
Paint something I’m actually proud of and would want to hang in a future home.
Perform in public, and accompany myself.
Learn what I really want in someone else.
Buy one expensive pair of shoes.
Get at least two more (visible) tattoos that I’m very proud of.
Write my mother a letter, thanking her for everything and letting her know exactly how much she means to me. The more unexpected the better.
Visit a big city that I’ve always wanted to see.
Go on a trip alone.
Have one day where I’m completely disconnected from technology…computers, phone, tv… anything.
These are things that I know will make me independently happy, that don’t take anyone else but myself, and that I know will make me proud to achieve. They are for me, and I’m the one that will get the benefit. Obviously by writing this I am achieving one of these goals, and I look forward to completing the rest.
Having goals that I know I am capable of achieving has allowed me to take charge of my singleness… to take pride in this season of my life. As it says in Ecclesiastes 3:1 “To everything there is a season, A time for every purpose under heaven.”
This is my time of singleness..
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Such a great way to look at it! haha, going to work on my very own list soon!
September 11, 2011 at 12:31 am
laura, i love you so much girl. congratulations on being able to write this and i love that everything you wrote on here is so true. after knowing you for the few years i have, seeing how genuine you are in real life and also seeing how genuine you are in writing something like this is absolutely spot on. i love that you didnt fabricate anything and you let your vulnerability show. (in a good way) great job, and i love you.
September 11, 2011 at 2:47 am
Laura, this totally made my day! I have been in a relationship for awhile and definitely have become disillusioned with the prospect of someday getting married and totally lost focus on where I am now in life. I can't wait to start my own "to do" list and get back on track. I know God has created this time in my life for much more than pining for something I am not ready for. I am so looking forward to what He's going to do. Awesome inspiration!
September 11, 2011 at 2:54 am
Great post! I do find it encouraging when I look back on the last decade and point to my big and small accomplishments, many of which likely wouldn't have happened if I'd been married. Last year I made a 31 Things Before Turning 31 list and this year I'm working on 32 Things. The lists shape the year in such an interesting way, even if I don't quite get to each item. I hope marriage is in my future but I'm going to enjoy the ride in the meantime.
September 11, 2011 at 1:04 pm
laura this very encouraging and inspiring..im turning 21 this year still in college and all my friends atlist have someone around and i do feel lonely at times and empty.. bt after reading this post i know i can mek my life more fulfiling becoz thes more to life than jes relationships ..making a list asap..
September 11, 2011 at 1:44 pm
Yes! Impatience is dangerous, especially as single woman. You know, I'm in college right now and I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to go to a party every weekend. A good quality man comes with time and patience, though and definitely not at a cheap, alcohol-filled party. So, I resolved to just take it easy this year and work on and spend time with myself which I love doing anyway. In so many ways, the world convinces us that we aren't anything without a man holding our hand. Our existence as a single woman makes no sense. Not only is this false, but's it's completely demeaning and degrading. But that's a whole 'nother topic…
September 11, 2011 at 7:46 pm
Fantastic post! I'm also single, and no longer see any rush to be married. About a year ago I made a similar list, beginning with "See as many U2 concerts as possible," and at the end of the list, I realized just how much fun being single can be. Because I'm not married, I have no actual responsibilities, and this October I'm quitting everything in an attempt to see the world. It's something I wouldn't have been able to do as a married woman. So here's to singleness! Enjoy every item on that list :)
September 12, 2011 at 8:23 am
excellent post!
September 13, 2011 at 3:09 pm
wow, i am very grateful for you. i am going through a hard time, and have lost a huge amount of weight. so thank you for this very much. Bless you
October 4, 2011 at 11:57 am
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I haven't been single for the longest time but I feel that I'm entering in a season where probably I'll be. A few months ago I finally came out from a very hard relationship. I'm trying to obey God and do His will during this new season. One of the things that have been holding me back is the thought of what to do with this new season. I get discourage because I feel my plans of getting married and having kids are so far away but this article encouraged me a lot. I need to focus on my relationship with Jesus and on the things I can do NOW. I want to be purposefully single! Thank you for sharing your story!!!
May 17, 2012 at 11:34 am
Thank you for this post! It is very encouraging and makes me excited to make my own list :). After ending a 2 year relationship with the man I was 100% positive I would marry, I've spent the last few months feeling pretty resentful and unhappy about being single. But, your post got me feeling excited (for the first time in quite awhile) about the future and about being single and about getting the opportunity to do all of these things I have always wanted to do. After all, some of them really are things that I would never have been able to do while in a relationship.
May 18, 2012 at 1:56 pm
You know, I never liked that verse that you mentioned from Corinthians since it seems to be badmouthing marriage. But I like your interpretation of it, that there is a season and a time for everything. At 21, I have never been in a relationship and I do find myself getting impatient sometimes, but if I'm meant to fall in love, it'll happen when I'm ready. We should enjoy our singleness, not wallow in it like it's a curse. I think I need to start making a "before I get married" list :) Thank you for the inspiration!
June 26, 2012 at 1:19 pm
I just want to say how amazing this post is. I am single…and always have been, but what I am dealing more with now is my frustration and hatred of my job. Although I am not stressing about being single at this very moment it does pop up often, and the stress of my summer job is only making it worse. I just appreciate your list of things to do while being single and the end verse of Ephesians. Thank you. Sincerely thank you.
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June 14, 2015 at 4:47 am
funny. no one really talks about how to deal when God doesn't say yes. i wish the church did and help others manage it.
March 11, 2017 at 5:21 pm