Being Single: Red Flags & Being Alone
Editor’s Note: Today’s post was written by Victoria Lienemann. She blogs here and tweets at @VictoriaGraceL. She also wrote for us a few months ago on Bodies & Beauty: Made With Purpose. As a sidenote, are you single and struggling? Consider becoming a mentor/mentoree and gain a close friend to love you through it. – Lauren
As human beings, we are created with weakness. We are created to be imperfect. We are born with characteristics and traits that cause us to fail and to fall. As human beings, we have a tendency to immediately jump to the worst conclusions and lose hope quickly. I am a walking billboard for immediately losing faith when things don’t go my way.
As a Christian, I know the first thing I should do when I see a red flag in my life is pray about it. But do I? Of course not. I’m too focused on fixing things by myself, laying them out in front of me and trying to figure out where I’m going next. I constantly forget that it’s not my road. I did not build it. I did not choose this path.
When my last boyfriend broke up with me, I cried for weeks. After that break up I felt instantly like I was fighting the world by myself. I felt abandoned.
After countless failed relationships, I decided I was going to finally accept the advice older women had given me year after year since I can remember being in a relationship. I was going to take time for myself, to grow, to be single and learn about who I was. This wasn’t because I was ready to be empowered and liberated as woman, but more because I thought every man was out there to take advantage of me and break my heart.
I was so blinded by the men and mistakes in my life that I didn’t see myself for who I really was. For years, I’d looked in the mirror and saw myself as someone’s girlfriend. Someone’s lover. Someone’s future. Someone else’s something else. All I’d ever wanted in my life was to make someone happy. And I was failing miserably at that.
I took my red flags and I bundled them all up and wrote them all out.
I pondered another solution (being the stubborn woman I am) but knew in my heart there was only one. I began to pray about my new found single lifestyle. I prayed that I would find someone eventually, but for now, I prayed that I could just enjoy my life.
I prayed for strength in situations. I prayed for my heart to stop aching. I prayed for trust. I prayed. It was as simple as that. I’d received blessings before this, and I realized that I’d prayed for those. So maybe, if I prayed for God to “fix” me, He’d do that too?
Well I learned something funny in the past year or so since that break-up. God doesn’t want to “fix” you. God doesn’t want to test you. God doesn’t want you to feel lonely and abandoned. God wants to mold you. He doesn’t sit on his throne and laugh while we make mistakes; He aches for us to throw up our hands and say “I give up, go ahead, take me.” He is fully aware of how broken we are, and He doesn’t hang out on the sidelines just watching you fail. He sets a path in front of you to shape you.
When I prayed for strength, what I got in return was a new heart shaped from the old pieces. When I prayed for laughter, for happiness in my life, what I found was the sadness and disappointment fashioned into something to be grateful for. When I prayed for God to fix me, I received a foundation of qualities, morals, and values to build from. And when I prayed, I unconsciously threw up my hands and said, “I give up, go ahead. Mold me”.
When we fall, we are not supposed to stay there and lay flat while the world passes by. We dust off our hands and pick ourselves up. These characteristics, traits, weakness and imperfections we carry within ourselves are meant for a purpose. Each time you fall, you are given the strength to pick yourself up again.
Being single doesn’t mean you need to be lonely. And being single certainly doesn’t mean that you need to feel abandoned. You’re not alone and you’re not abandoned. You’re being built into a perfect creation, a woman that God wants you to be for the man and the children He is going to bless you with.
You’re single because you deserve to be alone. Not because you don’t deserve someone else to love you, but because you deserve to have time to love yourself and just yourself. Because you deserve to be the best possible version of you for everyone else in your life.
You are single because this is the time that God is going to use you the most, where you’re going to learn about what you want in life, where you’re going to learn that independence comes from inside of you. This is where God is casting your mold. This is where He is shaping your weakness into strength. This is where He is gluing the pieces of your heart together in an entirely new shape so that everyone else in your life can see the light shine through the cracks.
A year later, I am not quite the perfect mold. But I’m getting there. I will not settle, and I don’t deserve anything less than the kind of love from a man that completes me and makes me feel whole in every single way..
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