When The Man You Thought You’d Marry Breaks Up With You
Editor’s Note: Kimberly shares her story on going through a breakup with the man she thought she would marry. A story that so many of us have experienced, including myself. You will make it out alive. She blogs at Bloom Of Hope and tweets at @__youareloved__. – Lauren
Last year, the guy I thought I would marry broke up with me.
Flash back to two years prior – life was busy but good. I met an amazing guy. He listened, loved Jesus, and made me laugh. He became my best friend.
Eight months later we were dating. A few more months and I was in love. He wasn’t like the other guys I had dated. I felt genuinely accepted, loved, and adored. After being in several bad relationships, I was hesitant, but eventually I let my guard down and trusted him completely. “This is what a real relationship looks like,” I would tell myself. “This is the man I’m going to marry.”
Then, after a year and a half, everything changed. He wanted out, he was done, there were things about us he didn’t like. I told him I loved him, that I wanted to work at it, fight for it. But that wasn’t something he desired anymore. I wasn’t something he desired anymore. 
So there I was with a heart full of love and arms empty. Totally rejected. To put it gently, I was disoriented and very, very confused. To put it bluntly, I was a wreck.
For a while, I tried to rationalize his decision and have some control over what had occurred. My thoughts constantly churned in my head as I tried to come to some sort of resolution. This was exhausting and pointless. I eventually had to accept the fact that I’d never fully understand what happened and why. And that’s when the true ache set in.
A pain I could not control crashed over me, knocking me down and leaving me completely paralyzed with heartbreak. “What is the matter with me?” I cried out to God. And not the cutesy one tear, makeup-is-still-in-tact, movie-star kind of cry. I’m talking about the ugly kind. Red cheeks, tear stained face, the whole bit.
The man who I totally trusted, who knew me better than most, decided I wasn’t worth it anymore. So doesn’t that say that I’m worthless? His actions made me feel as though I was nothing, that I had no value. That is the underlying message when someone leaves us, when someone hurts us. If we were valuable enough to them, they wouldn’t have walked away in the first place.
This kind of pain shapes and scars us. We start to believe that our pain was deserved and that those who wronged us did so because they knew. They knew who we really were. And we start to believe it: that we deserve to be left, to be hurt, to be alone. But that is a vicious, seething lie that we must not believe.
In my times with God, I’ve realized that I’m worth much, much more than the pain I’ve experienced. The person that hurt you didn’t treat you with the love, respect, and dignity that you deserve. You are loved beyond measure and God’s heart breaks when yours does. He has taught me that the abandonment I experienced had nothing to do with my value as a person. NOTHING.
I am God’s child. His heir. His princess. His beloved. His creation. And so are you.
Your circumstances and your past do not reflect your value. But Jesus does. Jesus died for you, suffered for you, laid down his life for you. Because you’re that valuable.
Because he adores you and delights in you.
Because he wants to keep you safe and protect you from harm.
Because he loves you more than you can even fathom.
I don’t want the men who have hurt me in my life to speak for my value anymore.
If I let any man speak for my value with his actions – I’ll let it be Jesus.
This gives you and me great freedom. We no longer have to hold onto bitterness and anger towards those who have hurt us because their actions don’t reflect anything about our hearts, bodies, minds, and souls. In the midst of our healing, join me in remembering what Jesus has done and what it says about you.
Your value is secure. Even when your heart is breaking, even when you are hurt beyond measure, even when you feel small and sad – your value is spoken for. Irrevocably.
You are loved, admired, adored, and taken care of. Forever. The pressure is off. Because you will always be enough to the man that means the most.
Want to join us & pass this along to other women in your life?
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I can relate to pretty much everything you wrote in this post. I love love love this. Sometimes even heartbreaking breakups can show us God's greater purpose, although we never want to feel the pain. We can't see the truth because of the pain, but that doesn't take away the weight of the truth. God loves us perfect, and no man ever can. Did I mention how much I loved this post? It is awesome.
February 27, 2012 at 7:50 am
This month, the guy I thought I would marry broke up with me.
We'd been friends 8+ years, and I always wanted to marry my best friend… but alas, t'was not meant to be. (cue song: Someday we'll know by the New Radicals)
I'd been avoiding this site for a while, knowing that February would mean mushy posts that I just couldn't handle. So when I return, lo and behold, the title of the latest post smacks me across the face and carpe's my jugulum.
God is awesome.
February 27, 2012 at 10:30 am
"That is the underlying message when someone leaves us, when someone hurts us. If we were valuable enough to them, they wouldn’t have walked away in the first place." I needed to hear that this wasn't true, even if I knew it. Thanks for such an honest post. Keep finding these lovely bloggers, Lauren.
February 27, 2012 at 10:58 am
My boyfriend, whom I thought I would marry (we even had been talking about life together), broke up with me a week ago last night. The pain, still very fresh, hit home again.
I couldn't figure out why after saying he loved me, and adored me, when he started having doubts didn't want to fight for me, or maybe could not fight for me…didn't even bring it up. Just told me he loved & missed me one day and broke up with me the next.
life isn't easy. I just know that God doesn't bring you gold and then take it away and give you oil or tar. He gives you better and you are worthy, valued, a daughter of the MOST high King who wants only the best.
A friend, who is married, at church yesterday came up to me, squeezed me hard and said "don't you dare take this personally".
Thank you for another BIG squeeze.
Keep up the good work.
Mx
http://www.beyond-rubies.blogspot.com
February 27, 2012 at 11:00 am
thank you so much for saying this…… God doesn't bring you gold and then take it away and give you oil or tar. He gives you better and you are worthy, valued, a daughter of the MOST high King who wants only the best.
March 5, 2012 at 6:48 pm
This couldn't have possibly been more fitting or needed… Thank you so much for writing.
February 27, 2012 at 11:43 am
GIRL, have you been in my journal lately?
Because I'm pretty sure this part of our stories are undeniable the same. Thank you for posting this.
It's such an encouragement and it makes me realize how much God has healed me in the past year. I remember thinking, " how could you not think i'm worth the fight? how could you abandon me when you knew how all the other guys had?" but oh man, did God show me so much through this.
You are so, completely right. Our value IS spoken for; it is secure. Praise Abba! For it is because of what Jesus has done that my worth is unshakable.
Thank you so much for this.
February 27, 2012 at 11:45 am
THANK YOU.
I went through the exact same experience about 8 months ago. Devastating. Heartbreaking. Uncharted pain.
But God not only used that experience to draw me towards Him, but to help me see how deep and incredible is His love for me. But in order to do that, He decided to destroy every idol, every human obsession, every obstacle trying to tell me who I was, according to the world, or to a man.
It really, really hurt. But I wouldnt change it for the world. I got His nearness in exchange. His true promises. His Love. He making all things new in me.
We will be fine. We are fine. Because God holds us in His Mighty hands. You get over heartbreaks, in spite of how painful they are. But you never, ever, lose His loving sight of You.
February 27, 2012 at 12:11 pm
"If I let any man speak for my value with his actions – I’ll let it be Jesus." AMEN.
February 27, 2012 at 12:40 pm
I'm reading this from the other side. About a year ago I broke up with my girlfriend who I thought I would marry. It was not that I "didn't treat her with the love, respect, and dignity that she deserved" but quite the opposite. We were (and are) young, we're both in our early 20s and there were a lot of changes that happened since we began dating. I realized that there were some things about us that did not mix well together and my calling at that point was more important than our relationship. It may sound cold and selfish to say that but although I still love her, I look back and realize that it was the best decision to make at that point. I tried to make it as painless a break up as I could for both of us but I couldn't keep the hurt from happening. We talked through it and I thought it was mutual but ultimately I realized it was I who wanted to break up more that her. We still have classes together and run into each other in various ministry gatherings. Although I still sense some hostility on her part, she now has a new boyfriend and I could not be happier for her. It was good for me to read this blog and I went back through the pain of seeing my ex's pain, but I hope that in recognizing your own, beauty, value, and self-worth you will do so without demeaning your ex. Although it sometimes may appear that we are breaking up because we are not willing to work through it, sometimes we are breaking up because we realized some things we hasn't before.
February 27, 2012 at 1:01 pm
I really appreciate this! I know so many times, even in my case, the person who was broken up with is so hurt that it's hard to think and fully understand why it happened so it's easier to blame and fall back into brokenness. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was completely the right thing to do, for both of us, and I am so blessed that he respected me enough to break up with me when he was strong enough to and I wasn't. He has a girlfriend now, and it actually is almost funny how similar they are. God is so good! I know it's so easy to react out of brokenness and pain, and it's extremely hard to speak truth into someone who is going through pain, but thank you so much for this insight.
February 28, 2012 at 10:07 am
To a tee exactly what God has been impressing upon my heart since my break-up almost a year ago. Love and love. Too the women in the midst of it now, take heart and hold on to your Father. He is going to blow you away with His love and plans for you. <3
February 27, 2012 at 1:31 pm
Yep, like the others I can relate to this exactly. And I had to realize all this 3 months ago. I still have trouble with putting my value in guys' perceptions of me, so this line really hit home: If I let any man speak for my value with his actions – I’ll let it be Jesus. LOVE. IT.
This is the best post I've read on here, as far as me being able to relate to it. Thank you.
February 27, 2012 at 2:01 pm
Thank you so much for this. For me, it was similar. We grew up together in youth group, we’ve known each other for more than 10 years. He was the only guy i allowed myself to fully trust, he was my best friend.
The break up was sudden. After a heated argument a few days before Christmas last year, he went home & changed his relationship status on Facebook, and my friends started texting me what happened…and that was how i found out. I felt hurt, confused, and disposable.
It hasn’t been an easy journey, but God has been amazing. And I know for a fact that things WILL get better, as I walk with Him.
February 27, 2012 at 2:40 pm
First I'd like to say that I'm a fan of this site and the good work it does. I think that the GWP addresses issues that are often overlooked and helps direct women in a healthy direction spiritually. But unfortunately, I think this article made an unfair portrayal of men (and women) in relationships.
Portraying the end of a relationship as one person wronging another, and causing hurt because that person is no longer valued is naive. Taking it one step further and saying that an ex-boyfriend "didn’t treat you with the love, respect, and dignity that you deserve" simply because they ended the relationship is unfair.
More often than not relationships don't end in marriage. But that doesn't mean that the only "good" guy is the one you marry. Why not praise men for having the courage to end something that wasn't right? Why not thank them for giving you freedom to go and find the man you will someday marry? Why not portray men as having feelings too? Why victimize women unnecessarily?
It seems to me that there are plenty of wonderful, God loving men and women out there who aren't "right" for each other. This doesn't imply that they are awful people for choosing to end relationships.
This article could have focused more on the sorrow of failed relationships, and the brokenness of placing your self worth in earthly relationships (and not just dating relationships). Instead, it portrayed women as victims and men as jerks who hurt them. I see this enough in mainstream media. I hoped for more here.
With that said, I appreciate the efforts of the GWP and will continue to be a supporter. Kimberly, thanks for your openness.
February 27, 2012 at 3:18 pm
What a lovely post – I think the author is writing from a place of deep honesty. She isn't portraying herself as a victim or her ex as a jerk, but it's natural to feel upset and abandoned when the person you saw yourself marrying doesn't feel the same way. She talks about feeling hurt, but she never says ANYTHING bad about the ex – the worst she says is that he didn't want to continue trying. She's not taking a woe-is-me approach; the whole article is about pulling herself up out of heartbreak. She says, "I am God’s child. His heir. His princess. His beloved. His creation." Doesn't sound like a victim to me.
Kimberly, thanks for a great article and thanks to the GWP for publishing it!
February 27, 2012 at 4:03 pm
Amen!
February 27, 2012 at 7:13 pm
I can relate soo well to this! Same thing happened to me last year and I was the same wreck you were. Thank God He has revealed to us the same thing: we are His and His opinion is the only one that is truly valid. Thanks for writing this!
February 27, 2012 at 7:42 pm
How do I get to this point that many of you are? They say it takes time, well, it's been well over a year for a relationship that wasn't super serious and long. Yet I still find myself in love with him. I've moved away, I avoided talking to him and events, and recently I've deleted my facebook and attempted to avoid all communications from his family which just feels to be more work than it seems to do good. I've made a lot of progress in life, moving back home, pursuing a new career as a youth ministry director at a church, gotten in shaped, and really feel that my relationship with God has been strengthened and overall I've come a long way over this time. I've never been a boy crazy girl or super insecure, I've always had a pretty good head on my shoulders and pretty good outlook when it comes to potential relationships. But this just seems stuck in my system, it comes in waves as not to be a complete distraction, but reminding me that it's still there none the less.
February 27, 2012 at 9:39 pm
Kimberly, thank you for sharing your story. This was something I definitely needed to read. I very much admire your bravery in being so vulnerable. Your words encouraged me greatly with your God-centered perspective and hope for the future!
February 28, 2012 at 11:29 am
This post was wonderfully written…thank you. I experienced a very similar situation about 6 months ago, and even though I thought it was the end of the world, I was so comforted by the Holy Spirit and my family and friends. I have such a closer relationship with Jesus now because of the heartache I went through. I still think about it almost daily, and hear songs on the radio that remind me of him, but I can think of him and hear those songs now without wondering if I am worth it. I know that to Christ I am totally worth it.
Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing this story. It was so encouraging to read.
"Because you will always be enough to the man that means the most." Amen to that!
February 29, 2012 at 7:53 pm
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I don't really know how I came across this post. I was looking at Pinterest and one click led to another and this is exactly where I am at right now. My boyfriend of a year and a half just ended things with me because he didn't think he could fight anymore. We had been having problems but I wanted to continue to fight but he didn't think he had anything left in him. I thought I was going to marry him. He was loving and caring and was seeking God and became my best friend and once things ended last Monday my world crashed.
"He has taught me that the abandonment I experienced had nothing to do with my value as a person. NOTHING." This is a lie I have been listening to this week and reading this post was encouraging to me. I haven't thought I have worth because the one who knew me best decided he didn't want me anymore so I have felt like I'm not pleasing or enough.
Thank you for sharing this.
March 11, 2012 at 5:06 pm
I came back to this post and read it today.
My boyfriend (that I thought I was going to marry) broke up with me last night.
I've never gone through this. The only other boyfriend I had was a jerk and I was the one to break it off.
But this one was good, kind…even in our breakup.
Thank you for this post. I know it's going to be hard…but God is good.
March 12, 2012 at 5:28 pm
Kristin, I am so sorry to hear this. Please post on my blog or tweet to me as to how I can pray for you or if you need anything. You are so loved! <3
March 18, 2012 at 11:57 am
I am married (and extremely happy), so I am not seeing this from the hurt side of all these other ladies and have not experienced it myself… but I have friends who recently went through this – and are still going through this – and it hurts me so badly to see the guy feel the brunt of all the rude comments and remarks. I know without a doubt that he made the right decision in ending their relationship. I am SO proud of him for standing up for what God had put on his heart, rather than ignoring Him and doing what seemed right by the girl. It is better to have a short time of sadness than a lifetime of misery with the person you really weren't meant to marry… and he recognized this. The courage and strength it took to do this is incredible.
What makes me sad are the girls who don't have the maturity and respect to forgive their man for the hurt he caused and to see past themselves to the bigger picture. You may think your relationship was the best thing on the planet – but God has plans and reasons we will probably never know. We NEED to trust God and forgive others! I can guarantee that almost every relationship is ended with extreme hurt on BOTH sides. Girls, you are NOT THE ONLY ONE HURTING. You know that he cares for you, or he wouldn't have been in that relationship with you. He is doing this for a reason, and if you truly love him, you'll trust that he is making the right decision. In my opinion – If you can't bring yourself to trust your man and trust his decisions, you don't deserve to marry him. He deserves your trust and you need to be able to give it to him.
Ladies, PLEASE, consider the man. Consider his pain. DO NOT BASH HIM OR HURT HIM. I don't CARE if he hurt you – that does not give you the right to sin and hurt him back. If you are bitter, KEEP IT TO YOURSELF. Please, please, please… the last thing you need right now is more drama.
Kimberly, thank you for sharing your heart with us. That takes guts and I know ladies were encouraged.
I pray no one is offended by my comment and that you understand my point.
March 13, 2012 at 4:03 pm
Hi! This is this author of the post. Thank you so much for your thoughts and taking the time to both read my post and respond. It was seriously never, ever my intention to bash, hurt, or defile the name of my ex boyfriend. I respect him greatly and have forgiven him for hurting me. The reason for my post was simply to share my heart and my process of healing and hope in Christ. The post was through my perspective which was a girl who was broken up and didn't see it coming. I certainly know that he was hurt in making the decision and that, of course, things like this are never easy on either party. I am not offended by your post, I think it is a wonderful reminder to treat everyone with respect, love, and consideration of their feelings.
Again, my heart in this post was to never attack, blame, or hurt the men who have had to make a hard decision in breaking up. It was to lift my sisters in Christ up who have experienced this kind of heartbreak.
Thank you for your heart and it is so encouraging to hear that you are in a happy marriage. I hope you have a lovely day!
March 18, 2012 at 11:55 am
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I am going to say this…having been through this and commented before…
Breaking up with someone can be very admirable, if a man is lead by God then that's fine and it's still going to hurt and you're going to go through pain. Real pain. No, you shouldn't bash them. I made a commitment that I would not bash my ex. I don't regret my relationship nor do I feel you should treat people in a manner you wouldn't expect to be treated yourself. I would hope he would treat me with respect. however, in my case in particular whilst maybe breaking up was treating me with respect, the "dropping it out of nowhere, citing God's best as a reason and having not spoken and tried to work through or discuss it prior to just making a decision" is NOT treating someone with respect.
In the end, the feelings from this are real and we need to ensure our focus remains on Christ, the solution, the provider, the healer and not on the issue.
April 24, 2012 at 6:16 pm