They Do Exist.

Ask A Married [Man] – What’s The Point of Waiting Til Marriage For Sex If You’ve Already Had It?

Editor’s Note: We’re starting to get to the end of our month on questions from our readers – but we still have soooo many questions to answer, so expect us to pick this back up later in the year! Today, our answer isn’t from a married woman, but a married man. Jed Brewer answered “Are Men Scared of Strong & Confident Women?” for us earlier, and I highly recommend that you follow him on Tumblr. – Lauren

QUESTION: What is the point of waiting to have sex with my boyfriend until we get married, if I’ve already had sex before? I know it’s the right thing, but I’ve already messed things up, so does it really matter?

JED BREWER: I totally appreciate your question. And it makes sense. And I’m glad you asked.

Photo by Branden Harvey / / Design by Lauren Dubinsky

When God says to save sex for marriage, it’s not because he has a bizarre fixation on people being virgins on their wedding night. No, he says it because sex forges an emotional bond between the two people involved. Sex forges that bond because that’s what it’s designed to do. When that bond is forged between two people who have made a commitment to be with each other, no matter what (which is what a marriage is), then everything works great. The emotional bond matches the relational bond. But when that bond is forged between two people who aren’t quite sure and they’ll see how it goes, well, people get hurt.

Whenever God says, “don’t”, what he’s saying is “don’t hurt yourself.”

People can drone on about the idea of casual sex all they want, but as you and I both know, it doesn’t work. At it’s best, casual sex is hype – the thing you keep telling yourself will be amazing, and keeps being really not that. And at its worst, it really, really breaks our hearts.

God doesn’t want to see you get your heart broken. That’s why. Your heart is really important to him. He wants you to guard it carefully (Proverbs 4:23).

And, let’s keep it real for a second: there isn’t an orgasm worthy of heartache. The fact that you’ve had sex in the past and got hurt doesn’t make it a good idea to do again today, any more than the fact that I’ve had one broken toe implies that I wouldn’t be bothered by a second. Sex is not a separate category of sin where once you’ve done it, all bets are off.

I deal with drug dealers as a part of my day job, and no one is trying to tell them that since they’ve sold crack before, it doesn’t matter if they do it again.

But I’d like to add one more thing for you to look at. And that is this: if you want a really amazing, Godly relationship, then don’t waste your time worrying about how wrong it can be and still work. Start asking how right and good and amazing it can be. There will come a day (when you’re married) when God will say, “It’s time for sexy time to commence and never cease!” Between now and then, while there are some things God is saying “no” to, there’s a host of things he’s saying “yes” to – like encouraging each other, building each other up, serving Jesus together – and I’d encourage you to take a hold of those things with both hands.

Note from Lauren: I had the same question when I started dating my now-husband. We’d both slept with others in the past, and to me, that “I’m gonna get struck by lightening for sinning!” feeling had been lost long ago. But the thing about having sex or not having sex is that it’s not simply about being terrified you’re going to do something wrong. It’s about starting over, brand new, and as new creations in Christ, with a heartfelt desire to try to love God and love this guy as best as you possibly can. And for me, that meant obeying God and respecting my husbands commitment to not have sex before marriage – even if I didn’t understand it fully. In a sense, I felt like a silly child deciding to hold onto a “rule” when I didn’t quite understand the point.
 
As the months passed in our dating relationship, I started learning things about myself and him that I NEVER would have learned, had we been sleeping together. I paid closer attention to my emotions, and learned the difference between simply being attracted to a man I’m in love with, and when I was just wanting to use sex as a coping mechanism. I learned in a new way how to love selflessly. I had peace of mind that my desire to marry him wasn’t just “because of our emotional bond from sex.” We both learned how to sort out some of our fears/guilt/shame from past mistakes with sex, without being submersed in more of it. And our wedding was SO EXCITING. Because yes, even if you’ve messed up in the past, this is still new with HIM. The guy you’re marrying, who loves you more than all the ex’s ever could. Also, (this is something they don’t tell you about marriage), there will be times that one person wants sex and the other doesn’t! Building a relationship before marriage that isn’t grounded in sex will make “holding marriage together” without sex so much easier. It’s so important to know that your relationship is secure enough for the seasons without sex. So yes. It’s worth it, and I’d go through the struggle of waiting all over again. – Lauren


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30 Responses

  1. raymondthimmes

    i want to thank you for this gentle reminder as to the difference between thinking of God's wishes as rules vs. love/looking out for me.

    To be honest, I feel like I have the worst chance of meeting anyone my age (mid-20's) and feeling like it would or could be anything more than a few weeks/months of sex and then boredom on their part and then them leaving. I've been in two semi-healthy long term relationships in my life and had very few casual dating/sex encounters. My point is, the hurt you describe is real and it has taken it's toll on me.

    To be even more confessional in a comment, I would also say that this has caused me to lose pretty much all hope that I'm going to meet anyone anytime soon. I know to most this is a weird thing to feel and think but it's very real to me. My desires to have a meaningful relationship in which we build each other up and focus on the future seems to be so antithetical to the desires of everything I know, from my roommate to any girl I may meet.

    Anyway I have probably digressed from your intention and I apologize. I just truly want to thank you for this post and reminder that there are more people (gals AND guys) out there that feel the anxiety about this issue that I do.

    July 26, 2012 at 1:10 pm

    • I have been in this exact space. Your desires are coming from a place deep withing you, and were placed there by the God that created you and loves you deeply. Trust in that. It took a lot longer than I ever expected, but I met my husband and every single desire God placed on my heart for a man was found in him. I know trust is easier said than done, but I also know the joy that is found when you can finally find peace in knowing that God DOES have someone out there for you. I'll be praying for you that you can feel this trust today.

      July 26, 2012 at 1:35 pm

  2. If I could first just agree with both Jed and Lauren. Yes yes yes to everything they said!! I just want to address another possible question that is similar to this one. One that I had a few months into my relationship with my now-husband. When we first started dating my husband was a brand new Christian, and I was even farther behind on my journey. We discovered our faith together, and that meant a few mistakes along the way.

    July 26, 2012 at 1:37 pm

  3. (continued)

    While we didn't have sex before marriage, we did indulge in "everything but" for the first little while. (Pleasuring each other with our hands and orally) Because my husband knew he didn't want to have sex (although we both had in previous relationships) thankfully we never crossed that line.

    We reached a point in our relationship where we both realized that what we were doing was not honoring to the Lord. Our individual relationships with God has grown, as well as our relationship together with God, and our desire to have God at the center. We were tracking towards engagement at this point, and were looking towards our future, knowing we couldn't do it alone.

    So the question we had was "Is it worth it to now stop what we were doing, and wait until marriage?"

    The short answer is ABSOLUTELY. For all the reasons that Jed and Lauren outlined. Sex (and all things sexual) within a marriage is completely different – even if it's with the same person. I believe this is a blessing that we were given because of our obedience. Even within the confines of our relationship we were washed clean and made new. Each sexual experience was made new in marriage. It's a beautiful and miraculous thing!

    July 26, 2012 at 1:38 pm

    • Michelle

      Melissa,

      Your post is super valuable to read.

      I’m in a great honest caring relationship where both of us are virgins and dating to perhaps one day marry. I felt ridullous when the whole sexual temptation issue came up soon, like, come on! this is nothing new, EVERYone struggles with it arg and now i am too and feeling lame to be caught up in sin and semantics and dishonoring the Lord with secret sins. It’s the worst feeling. My boyfriend although he admits that it is wrong to have me touch him and allow him to feel my breasts and butt, he lost in wary resignation says that his conscience was been dulled and he’s trying. Let me tell you, that is not a sexy or comforting or promising trait. Although we truly are believers and seek ultimately to please the Lord, our actions are not matching up with what we’re aiming for as a couple and since we’ve been intimate in ways, I question whether he has the integrity or determination to say No to compromise and Yes to the higher harder path. It makes me question whether I should be with him if he is less bothered by these things that are so clearly not what God says is best. And then there’s me, who talks and thinks a lot about it, but will still happily fall into bed with him.

      I say with the pslamist, ‘my boundary lines have fallen in pleasant places’ and ‘those who trust in the Lord with not miss any good thing.’ I’m proud of being a spunky sweet cute girl in her mid-20’s and a virgin but it doesn’t give me liscense to ignore what I know is true just because I’ve come this far and am with someone who professes Christ.

      Lord help us, in the end we a profoundly desiring a strong bond to carry us into a life that glorifies, but all these attempts by satan to chip away at true joy is making me infuriorated and I’m trying not to be discouraged or fearful or missing the mark.

      Beloved women or men if you have any words of wisdom or experience I would appreciate greatly your thoughts. Thank you.

      July 26, 2012 at 2:51 pm

      • Michelle,

        We too were caught in a space where we felt dulled to the sin. I remember distinctly the night that we decided to stop. I turned to him and said "I don't feel guilty anymore, and I think that's a problem" We committed our relationship to God that night, and through tears, made a promise and commitment to Him that we would no longer engage in intentional sin. It was that promise and commitment which was spoken out loud that kept us strong for the many months to come (we were married roughly a year after that day)

        Looking back, my husband feels a lot of shame for not being the spiritual leader God has called him to be- to be the one to stand up and say that he will not accept the fact that Satan had a foothold in our lives. He now sees how it was his responsibility to protect me from that. At the time however, he was clouded by his own sin, and couldn't see that. What is important to note here, was that once he was lifted out of the veil that sin had over him, he was able to see what he should have been doing all along. THAT is where his integrity lies. THAT is the man that he really is.

        Keep in mind that your boyfriend's actions are not a reflection of the true self he can be when fully living in the light that Jesus drowns all sins with. Satan is holding him down- using his sexual desires to confuse him. While yes, biblically it is his responsibility to be the spiritual leader and uphold the purity of the relationship, as the woman (and possibly future spouse) it would be your responsibility to be his helper in that. After that night we still struggled, and more often than not it was me (not him) that put on the brakes. I don't believe that spoke to his integrity, but instead to how careful we need to be with this sin.

        I would urge you to have an honest conversation with him, and arguably MORE importantly, please please please start praying for him in a really intentional way. Your frustration with him could very well be another scheme of the enemy in his feeble attempt to destroy the respect you have for him. This is something that is absolutely necessary in a marriage.

        Use that infuriated feeling you have. You have every right to be mad – just make sure your anger is directed in the right place, and it is not in vain. Use it to fight the lies you are both hearing and to be a warrior in prayer. I will be praying for you. If you want to contact me to discuss this further, just click on my name and it will take you over to my blog where you can message me directly.

        July 26, 2012 at 3:53 pm

        • Is it okay if I ask how much you stopped, when you committed to stop the "everything but…"? Did you stop kissing? Hugging? Did you determine to only touch each other as you would any other friend?
          While I don't have anything against that commitment, I am hesitant to call all physical (beyond friendship, into sexual) affection toward your fiance as engaging in intentional sin.
          And I am very hesitant when that sole issue calls a gal to question her guy's entire integrity. My husband was a virgin (like totally, as in never had another girlfriend, didn't touch anyone else) when we got together. He kept himself chaste for until 28, and now he was completely in love with me & giving me his whole life & I him. I don't think that it would be right for me to think he was a man of low integrity, because he was eager to touch me.
          We didn't "go all the way", but we went farther than we thought we would. I thought we wouldn't even kiss until the wedding. But, yep. We sure kissed! And not in a holy kiss sort of way. But, the good news is, our kiss at our wedding still looked lame & unpracticed. ;)

          July 26, 2012 at 5:40 pm

          • Hi Erin

            Of course you can ask :)

            We knew without a doubt that we didn't want to touch each others genitals, or have him touch my breasts. At first those were our lines. Anything else was game, and we would have some VERY hot and heavy make outs. We soon learned that our lines were not clear enough and we would find ourselves coming very close to hands going down pants and up shirts. We had many conversations and put safeguards in place that worked for us. We knew that if we made out while laying on top of one another it was a slippery slope from there… so we eliminated that. We also knew that hands up the back of the shirt quickly moved to the front, so we eliminated that. There were a lot of other tiny adjustments made that may have sounded extreme (certainly did to our non Christian friends!) but we felt they were the right choices to protect what mattered to us.

            I completely agree that your husband's integrity should not have been questioned because of his desire for you. That desire was wired into him by our Creator! That's so funny about your first kiss! We were worried our youth group friends were going to yell out "Gross!" in the church because it was a pretty common reaction before the wedding, ha ha (Thankfully they didn't!)

            July 26, 2012 at 6:01 pm

          • Erica

            The answer to this may vary according to each couple, in my experience. For friends of ours, wearing pajama bottoms around each other was mutually forbidden when they realized it was a trigger for them to do more than was good. For my husband and I, there was a certain kind of kiss that sent me over the edge, so we agreed at some point to save that gesture for marriage. We also had friends who didn't kiss until their wedding day because that's what was right for them.I think a couple needs to make this a topic of on going conversation and review it as dating and engagement progress.

            About four months into our relationship, I wrote dow the limits we had agreed on and our reasons for following a path of restraint with each other and faithfulness to God and our future spouses in my journal and we both signed it. It remains one of my favorite mementos of that time in our lives.

            July 27, 2012 at 8:47 am

          • I think that makes sense- that people know their limits and stick to them, and it's going to be different for each couple.

            I have a question- if you decided on your limits 4 months into the relationship, does that mean you intend to maintain the same level of physical connection from that point up until getting married? I feel like the physical connection is going to want to naturally grow, and if it takes like 2 or 3 years of dating before you get married, how would it work to maintain the same level that you had at 4 months?

            I've been with my boyfriend for 3 months, and I'm trying to figure out what to do about this. I want to take the physical stuff really really slow, so that there is room for it to grow without coming close to sex. Also, I kind of feel like the physical bond should match the emotional bond- I remember very early in our relationship, we were hugging each other and I felt like it wasn't right because it made me *feel* as if we knew each other so well, but that wasn't true. But as we become closer together emotionally/friendship-wise, having a stronger physical connection would make sense.

            So what do you think?

            July 27, 2012 at 12:00 pm

  4. Katelyn

    My boyfriend of a little over a year is a virgin and I am not. However, long before I even knew him I vowed to myself to become a "renewed virgin." It is a silly term and many people would argue that there is no such thing, but I am here to say that it has been one of the best decisions of my entire life. It was much easier to tell my now-boyfriend that I was not a virgin when I could couple it with the fact that I was NOT the person who had premarital sex in high school. I was born again in Christ and would be saving myself for marriage. It hasn't been an easy road for us… But he, like God, has forgiven me for my sins and is willing to walk forward with me and leave my baggage behind.

    So, what's the point of waiting til marriage for sex if you've already had it? Because it matters to GOD and it matters to your future husband or wife. Even if both of you have had sex, it will be a totally different experience with your husband or wife. It is a wonderful feeling being so deeply in love with someone without even having had sex before. It is then that you know that your relationship is bonded on not only a physical one, but also a mental and spiritual one as well.

    July 26, 2012 at 2:28 pm

  5. Kassandra

    I couldn’t tell you how many times I wrestled and debated with this idea since giving away my virginity and subsequently struggling with purity ever since. I dedicated my life to Christ nearly two years ago, and since haven’t ventured down that treacherous path of being sexually involved with anyone… but then again, I haven’t dated either, and can now say that my social group and the men and women surrounding my life are completely different than the ones before.

    As I picture what the ‘next’ relationship will be like, this does come into play. As hypocritical as it sounds, I want to be with someone who values their purity, whether with new regard (as I have) or as an outstanding pillar they’ve followed their whole life. Still, can I trust myself to place those limitations? Will I honor him and not push the line? Melissa had a great point of the role of the partnership between man and wife, and the leadership thus appointed. Will I follow my future husband in a way that both upholds his decisions and protects our intentions?

    And still, there’s a small whisper in my heart that kindly reminds me, “You may not be able to, but God can.” “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” -Philippians 4:13

    I still feel completely inadequate, unresolved to my intentions and not close the point where I could confidently carry a relationship that would honor the Lord… but until I get there, I’m so thankful for this blog, and posts like these, that hold me in a place of confidence in what God can do in my life, based on His actions in others.

    July 26, 2012 at 4:31 pm

    • Kassandra,

      It is absolutely not hypocritical to want to be with someone who values purity- now, as a follower of Christ you value your purity, right? That is all that matters. The way you lived before was your previous life, but you are now a new creation in Christ. You have been made clean and stand before the Lord (and your future husband) completely spotless.

      I pray that whisper gets louder and louder each day <3

      July 26, 2012 at 4:55 pm

  6. Shannon

    Thanks for this post. My boyfriend and are saving sex for marriage, but we have had a really difficult time with going wayyyyy past our other boundaries. We have screwed up so many times, gotten better and been pure for weeks or months, just to screw it up again in one night. One of the recent times this happened, we talked about it. He said that he thinks we are viewing ourselves as "damaged goods". That because we have screwed up and gone too far sexually so many times before, it doesn't really matter that we are doing it again. That we aren't worth it. This is such a lie! But it is one that I think I believed, and am going to have a hard time getting over.

    July 26, 2012 at 8:21 pm

  7. Ruth

    Jed and Lauren, thanks so much for tackling this issue. This has been such a battle in my boyfriend's and my relationship. We have had sex, and it has been a great source of guilt and heartache for both of us. We were both raised Christian and it felt like we had failed ourselves and each other when we fell. Sometimes there comes the point when you feel like, why does it even matter? We've already gone all the way, and we are so far gone, that what does it matter if it happens again?
    That is not the right attitude. God offers to pull us back up time and time again. He never thinks that we are too far gone. We need to recommit ourselves to Him and to each other in order to truly love each other. This post reminded me of why we need to keep fighting and that it is possible to keep going.

    July 27, 2012 at 9:22 am

  8. I think the reason people ask the question "if I've had sex before, then why does it matter if I do it again?" is because there is too much emphasis placed on virginity, and how if you lose your virginity then your life is ruined, etc. Even the terminology of "losing" your virginity reinforces this.

    I think the church should talk more about the ideas in this post- how sex is meant to form a bond between 2 people, etc, so it just doesn't make sense to have sex with someone you're not married to- it causes heartache, etc. Instead of using fear to be like "ZOMG IF YOU HAVE SEX YOU'LL BE WORTHLESS AND YOUR LIFE IS RUINED!!!!1"

    July 27, 2012 at 11:51 am

  9. Christian

    Hey to all who’ve been part of this conversation, and to all who have yet to be part of this conversation:

    One bit of Scripture that I think absolutely speaks to the issue that a lot of folks are talking about is I Corinthians 6:18, which says "Flee sexual immorality."

    According to dictionary.com, the term "flee", when used with an object (in this case sexual immorality), means "to run away from".

    It's kind of funny to think about how well Paul, a man gifted for celibacy, understood sexuality. Corinth, at the time of his writing, was a time and place of huge sexual sin, and the church in Corinth was having as much trouble keeping their hands clean as the American church has today. He understood the nature of sexual interaction as cumulatively arousing: in my own terms (and from my own personal experience) kissing once makes it really difficult not to kiss again. Why? Because kissing is inherently arousing. Prolonged kissing/touching/etc. arouses the bodies of the parties involved as to facilitate a sexual encounter. Think about it- even if we say to ourselves "we're just going to make out for a while and that'll be all", kissing and everything beyond prepare the body for sexual intercourse and make us physically desire sex even more than usual. I think we're all familiar with the term "foreplay", right?

    Here's where I Corinthians 6:18 suddenly becomes super-applicable: if you're not married and thus not in a position to have sexual intercourse (or anything else that leads to orgasm), there's absolutely no sense in doing exactly that which turns your body on for sex. Speaking from personal experience, that's difficult to accept, and even more difficult to carry out in practice. I’d heard that before ever dating, and I did a less-than-stellar job of carrying that out, so I claim no particularly high moral ground here.

    Here’s a really helpful point: for two unmarried people to most literally follow Paul’s instruction to “flee sexual immorality” means absolutely avoiding that physical contact which turns the body on for sex. Yes, it’s really hard to do so. What’s even harder, though, is not doing anything which either party will regret after becoming strongly sexually aroused. The best thing a couple can do in this regard is to keep themselves from being alone together. It’s difficult, but it works brilliantly because unless neither of you has any shame, you’ll be much more conservative with what physical interaction you’ll allow with one another when you’re visible to other people. Again from personal experience: after swing dancing together, I and my (now ex-)girlfriend would permit ourselves a kiss. We were in front of other people, and that really helped to ensure that a kiss stayed just a kiss.

    To be continued in another comment…

    July 28, 2012 at 4:31 pm

    • Christian

      Here we go!

      Here’s the best idea of all: avoid intimacy as much as possible until there’s a solid relational commitment made. My newlywed friend will tell you that it works brilliantly. When he and his now-bride recognized their attraction to one another, agreed to a) be really intentional about figuring out whether or not they should marry one another, and b) not have any physical contact with one another prior to engagement, if that were in their future. He said “not having any physical contact for that time was really difficult, but it was really good for the relationship.” Putting commitment before intimacy works in other ways as well: if you don’t give your heart to someone with whom you haven’t a true relational commitment (we’ll say marriage for sure, and probably engagement as well), you’ve just significantly reduced your odds of a super-painful breakup ever happening. If you’re ready to marry, be prepared to move forward on that, but take care not to grow too intimate in a still-uncommitted relationship. If you’re not ready to marry, consider why exactly that is, and until you’re ready to move solidly in that direction, don’t start to give your heart (and body) away to someone.

      For the record, I’m personally of the opinion that pushing off marriage until you’re 27-30 or later (the cultural expectation) and having absolutely zero outlet for sexual expression until then is a really foolish idea. However, I kind of chafe against my parents on what’s an acceptable age to marry (I’m presently 19), and I get the impression that as much is true of a lot of Christian folks my age. I found a really cool article on the Christianity Today website which speaks directly to this, and I encourage every last person who sees this to check it out: http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2009/august/1

      I should probably stop rambling at this point, haha. Here’s the bullet-point version of what I’m trying to say: The less physical contact between two unmarried people, the better for their relationship and for their mutual obedience to Biblical direction. Avoiding circumstances where you’re alone together is the simplest, best way to avoid excessive and regrettable physical intimacy in an unmarried relationship. Try to practice “commitment first, intimacy later” in romance, even when it’s really hard to do so. Don’t be afraid to consider bucking the cultural expectation for an average marrying age (check out the article for exactly what I mean by that).

      In all things, love God, obey Him, and seek His will.

      Thanks for bearing with me, and I look forward to hearing what others have to say!

      Christian

      July 28, 2012 at 4:32 pm

      • Michelle

        Christian, What an absolutely wise and concise post. I've commented above before ^ and recently broke up with my close boyfriend (today). Amazing man in so many ways but 'refused' (not adamantly or audibly but by passivity and resignation) to be the spiritual leader in our relationship in regards to sexual boundaries. Was willing to engage in anything but actual intercourse. Because we are both virgins, rationalized and compared to other people/the world as not that bad. mentioned 'grace' a lot. At the core, it was a spiritual issue, not submitting to Christ's clear will and honor what my desires were to please God in my heart, even though I sinned many times in arousing my boyfriend and being permissive way beyond what I know is right. I did I think rightly questioned his character, not the core of who he is or who the man God can make him into be or seen as, but knowing that it Does have to do with integrity and became a red flag. In the end, I do not want a husband with whom I'm unequally yoked. I'm looking to be challenged toward greater purity and intimacy with God. I did not want to be the sole moral compass. That is not attractive. I want to Respect my man. He was fine with his calloused conscience, repeating that he had one, but with no intent to change, only to take more. In the end, that is not Love. even though he was loving in other ways. Real love does the hard thing. Real love would ask for strength from God and protect my desire to be pure and pleasing and follow the Word. Denial can be freedom. I do not mean to shame, but because I felt unvalued, I decided to leave. Thank you for the above post. Very well spoken, reasonable, sharp, and stinging. The sting that heals. Like seatbelt that save lives. The Word of God is an immovable rock that cannot be ignored. Men in contention with it will only stumble over it. The Word is also balm and life and quenching water. 'My boundary lines have fallen in pleasant places.' The Lord is sweet to me and I want nothing to jeopardize my upturned face to Him.

        August 16, 2012 at 2:52 am

  10. Hey my friends,

    Thanks so much for reading, and thanks too for your kind words.

    I so appreciate each of you sharing your stories and your struggles. (The Devil hates it when we keep it real.) Please know that my wife Hallie and I are lifting each of you up in prayer, and we've got your back.

    Your brother,
    Jed

    July 29, 2012 at 12:22 am

  11. I just have to share, I so appreciate this post and the comments!! I love how the idea of boundaries for different people is brought up. I was in a brief relationship for the first time last year and when it ended, I was left wondering how to maintain my boundaries next time. I had mine, but in the moment, it all flew out the window, or almost did. He pushed me beyond my boundaries and then left me longing for more. God has pulled me up and put me back together, but I’m still struggling in the area of boundaries. Thankfully, there is no guy in my life to “help” me figure this out, just me and God, and the support of my family and friends. I love all the ideas here and will def glean from them to form my own thoughts. God bless you all!!

    July 31, 2012 at 10:24 am

  12. Becky

    I am currently in a relationship with a man who is not a Christian. I love him with all my heart. He’s a bit older than I am but we are both still virgins and I love that. He knows and respects my values about premarital sex and he is interested in my spiritual life and once he knows all there is to know, is willing to convert. He asked me if I have rules on how far I go without losing my virginity and I said as far as fingering but it stops there. But now reading this post and comments, I do wonder if that is a wise choice or if I’m only going to get myself into trouble later on in life with this kind of thinking. I would really appreciate having someone to talk to about all this

    December 17, 2012 at 8:15 am

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  14. Joan

    Frustrated with this topic. My relationship is wrong in so many levels, its hard to know where to start. I met him 6 years ago, neither virgins, quickly began being sexual. After two years broke up for two years with others and its been two years since we are back together. I have his 4 month baby, he moved out this week, but were still together.(Our fights are abusive so untill we start therapy we wont be living together.) To him marriage has no point, to me marriage and not having sex is important. He knows this, so after a while he wasnt interested as much. But I began to feel like I was losing him. I used sex to be closer to him even though it didnt really work. To me, he is my husband, we have a baby, we are a family. But without marriage, its a hugeblur. Many times we stopped sex to put God first, but Im the only that thinks this is important. He says hes a christian, but theres no passion, no guilt to obey Gods word. It doesnt even seem like he cares, hes happier if we have sex and atleast it makes me think hell stop looking at porn for a while. Six years ago he wouldnt enter a church with me, he wouldnt pray or read the bible. Now he will do all of these ocassionaly, especially after a fight. I repent everytime i fall, but we were a family, we have a daughter, we lived together, does it matter? Doesnt that make us husband and wife? Have been very depressed and will be grateful for any prayers

    January 19, 2013 at 9:31 pm

  15. Sorry, but no

    Nope, too much time is wasted thinking that you need to save yourself for marriage. I have read and heard so many stories of Christians who had decided to save it until they were married, only to discover that they were sexually incompatible. Most ended up divorced within the first 5 years (the struggle with physical intimacy bled into other areas of their marriage).

    Waiting until marriage is all well and good for your teens and early twenties, but if you're 25+ and single, it doesn't really seem reasonable anymore I think waiting until you are in a loving, committed relationship is ideal for losing your virginity…find out if you and your partner mesh together before you commit yourself to a lifetime with that one person!

    October 27, 2013 at 11:18 pm

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    November 7, 2013 at 11:44 am

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  18. Jade

    So amazingly WELL SAID!

    March 21, 2014 at 12:28 pm

  19. A very awesome blog post. We are really grateful for your blog post

    November 21, 2016 at 3:42 am

  20. This is definitely worth a while. Thanks for this post!

    October 9, 2018 at 6:05 pm

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