From The Men: A Woman’s Role In His Fight Against Porn

Editor’s Note: I am beyond thrilled to have Preston Yancey launch our “From The Men” month. For the rest of August we’ll be hearing things from the men’s perspective. First up? Preston gives women some phenomenal advice on how to handle a man’s struggle with pornography. You can read Preston’s blog here and follow him on Twitter at @prestonyancey. – Lauren

Lauren asked me to write some advice for women who are dating men struggling with pornography. Men who have made great progress, but the bite of this bitter fruit remains part of what they battle.

How does a good woman support a man she is falling in love with while maintaining good boundaries and respect for herself?

Before I attempt to ink anything of value across this page, there is something essential and fundamental that must be addressed first: are you the kind of woman who knows when to leave and when to stay? And are you the kind of woman who can stand by a man who is struggling with pornography?

You need to answer this frankly. It is my sincere hope you are a woman who is willing to tough it out alongside their struggling partners, and also to know when to end the relationship when it’s the hard choice that needs to be made. We need strong women of faith as much as we need strong men.

There is no way around how awful this is. Any addiction, pornography included, is deep-seated. As a woman, you should know how you will handle this in your own heart long before it is addressed. If it smacks you between the eyes one day that your boyfriend or husband is actually a human male, fallen and sinful in his own right, and you haven’t prepared your response, the damage to both of you can be devastating.

So let’s get down to the dirty details.

UNDERSTANDING PORNOGRAPHY

The most important thing I can tell you is that pornography isn’t about you.

When a woman discovers that he struggles with pornography, the common move is to place the crisis in terms of her own worth. She wonders if she’s not enough for him, if she isn’t fulfilling his needs, and she feels cheated on.

But this is the kicker: Porn is less to do with the lust of the flesh as it is to do with the lust for power and the ancient trickster cheat of pride.

The power of pornography is in the illusion of absolute control and submission. A posed woman excites the feeling of acceptance. Where other things in life are beyond a man’s control, this woman has submitted herself to him exclusively and without rejection. Or so it seems. Never mind that he’s not the one participating, nor is he the object of her attention and pleasure.

It is this sense of power and ultimate validation of manhood which makes porn so controlling and attractive. A man has no responsibility to this woman, but she nonetheless gives herself completely to him. So while the appeal of the flesh (sexual attraction) is certainly there, the true grip of pornography is the sense of complete fulfillment it promises.

It’s an empty promise, but you can’t simply reason your way free from it.

Porn isn’t as simple as a battle with lust; it’s a battle for validation. The fantasy is intoxicating, because it immediately affirms you – and simultaneously detaches you from all the real pain or disappointment in your life. It’s a cheap stress reliever. It’s instant availability, immediate and unrestrained.

Which is why no woman—let me be clear—no woman will ever save a man from an addiction to or struggle with pornography. She can be a motivator, but she will not be a savior.

We have a Savior. The only way a man overcomes pornography is by wrestling through it with Jesus – wrestling through his past, and with a continual determination to fight against the lust of his flesh and the desire for power.

Too often a woman’s reaction is to try and fix the situation, but she has no ability to do so.

Why?

Because this has been going on for a long time. Well before her. Because pornography has nothing to do with the real, present woman in the equation.

No matter how much a woman tries to make herself more beautiful and desirable to her man, it will never be enough. Never mind what pastors have tried to do in modern Christian circles by turning the marriage bed into a circus act of sexual delights. It will never be enough. The lure of pornography transcends the sensuality of the present, because the heart has been ensnared in a fantasy far beyond. Porn callouses a man and hardens his heart. It sets its roots deep and a woman isn’t enough to tear the wretched thing up by its roots.

Only Christ is our victory in sin, and sexual sin is one of the most obvious places where this is true. Dear woman, you cannot have victory over his sin. You have not caused it, and you cannot remedy it.

This makes things hard when in a dating relationship. As Christians we’ve done a real shabby job on some aspects of romantic relationships. Often enough, we turn dating into trial marriage. It’s not. That’s just crazy. Dating is the process of discerning if the other person in the relationships fulfills and strives toward the reasonable hopes you have for a future with that other person. If they don’t end up meeting the criteria, then it’s time to move on.

If a criterion you have is that a man be pure in heart, struggling with porn isn’t something you should take lightly.

GAUGING HIS STRUGGLE

Accordingly, there are a couple of questions I tend to pose to women who ask me about this: What does he mean by an addiction to pornography?

If a guy says he’s browsed some Internet porn four or five times in the last year, that’s one thing. He’s owning up to a blip, a stumbling – but isn’t confessing an addiction. Crap happens, repentance comes with it, he moves on. If a guy tells me that his struggle is at the place where he has an accountability partner but still needs to be actively involved in a support group, that’s something completely different.

My best friend is my accountability partner and I’m his. But we’re not in support groups for addictions to pornography. Why? Because we experience blips, not habitual failings. And because we have other sins that bother us beyond just sexual ones.

But a man who is so hardened and consumed by pornography that relies on a support group indicates a far more serious problem than a simple wrestling with lust. That is serious addiction. Legitimate addiction.

And here I repeat that a woman has no ability to fix this.

Addictions are not fixed by external forces; it’s best to let the professionals handle it and stay out of the way. An addition to pornography creates a massive stronghold that is not easily cracked.

I follow with this: How has he demonstrated a consistent desire for this to change, and how are you being wise?

Support groups and accountability partners are wonderful. But they are easy to fake. So if a man is serious about defeating this evil in his life, he will have taken steps beyond them.

There are programs/software (Good Women Project recommends X3Watch) available that will keep a record of all suspicious websites visited and email them to designated recipients. In the early stages of dating, that report should go to a man’s accountability partner. In a committed relationship heading towards marriage, this should be going to the woman, and then should go to her for the rest of their life together.

A good man should be able to demonstrate to you that he has restrained himself for you in preparation of the vow he will make that says, “forsaking all others.” He should set visible safeguards to he’s remind him of what he stands to lose (you!) if he stops fighting for what’s worth it.

That’s the big part of this whole mess. As a woman, do you know your worth?

If a man cannot keep his word to you and stay porn free, get the heartbreak out of the way now and walk away. There will be heartbreak later if you don’t and that heartbreak may have a ring on it that doesn’t simply slip off.

Again, a woman can propel a man to overcome his struggle, but he will only overcome it truly by surrendering to Christ.

Which brings me to two ground rules I think essential in this whole process.

GROUND RULES

The first: When you are dating a man, protect yourself by not asking questions that you have no business asking. It’s one thing to know that he is struggling. If he is demonstrating to you a commitment to change, that should be enough. You don’t need the details of what kind of porn he’s looking at.

That’s not your business; and, trust me, you don’t want to know.Porn is an easy evil. The things a man can end up imagining or engaging in mid-passion would horrify him if he considered it outside of the fever of lust.

As a woman, all it will do is cripple your soul and make you question your worth. Women should know what kind of evil pornography really is, but there’s a world of difference between understanding what it sells, how it works & the grip it has – and knowing the painful details. Save yourself that destruction. It’s hurt enough to know it exists, but suffocating to know more.

Second: Never, ever, ever, ever, ever get engaged to a man who is still consistently struggling with pornography.

I’m not talking about a mistake made every once in awhile in a year. I’m saying that if he’s still struggling regularly – or if you are uncomfortable with his Internet habits, then you need to pull yourself right out of that trap before it even begins.

He will not “get better” once you get married. He will not change for you if he hasn’t already. And you will hate yourself for the rest of your life because you will forever perceive your own body as your betrayer, because you couldn’t keep his interest. This is the ultimate heartbreak, because against porn you never had a chance. To fight in battles you’re guaranteed to lose.

WHAT DO YOU DO NOW?

The best gift a woman ever gave me came about 5 months into dating. She sat me down and said directly that she understood that guys struggled with lust. She understood that porn existed. She wasn’t going to tolerate me thinking that meant I could view it and she wouldn’t care, but she wanted me to know that she was willing to forgive me the same way I forgave her, provided that I committed to her my fight against pornography. She wasn’t going to try to be more sexy to keep my interest. She wasn’t going to compromise herself to compete with something she couldn’t compete with.

She didn’t even ask if I struggled. That wasn’t the point. She wanted me to know that she understood that this was a real problem. She wanted me to know that knowing this did not mean she thought less of herself, but that she already knew her worth. And when to draw a line where it needed to be drawn.

That gave me the chance to tell her that I had an accountability partner, that I struggled on occasion with it, and that I appreciated how she was willing to address it frankly and honestly. It only made our relationship better.

Honest discussion does not have to be explicit. Sometimes it’s enough to simply acknowledge the elephant in the room before you try to teach it to fly.

So what’s a girl to do?

A girl becomes a woman.

A woman knows her value and worth, she does not put up with a man who isn’t willing to commit to her faithfully. A woman decides her boundaries and puts herself with a man who is willing to defend them. A woman stands beside her man in so far as he is willing to keep his stand next to her.

A woman is first wed to Christ, who has never desired another in place of her or settled for a fantasy in her stead. A woman is then wed to a man, who has imperfectly desired another in place of her but has committed to perfecting the desire he has for her..

August 8, 2011 | Categories: Sex | 70545 Comments »https%3A%2F%2Fgoodwomenproject.com%2Fsex%2Fwomans-role-in-his-fight-against-pornFrom+The+Men%3A+A+Woman%27s+Role+In+His+Fight+Against+Porn2011-08-08+23%3A34%3A47adminhttp%3A%2F%2Fgoodwomenproject.com%2F%3Fp%3D705

Slaves To Sex: On Feminism & Sexuality

Editor’s Note: Few women have such a thorough understanding of the history of feminism as Caitie Hlushak. I am THRILLED to have her share her thoughts on what it has meant for women in 2011 and how we handle our sexuality because of it. It’s a punch in the face, and a reminder that we are worth so much more than we know. I encourage you to read this attentively – and more than once. – Lauren

Our great-great-grandmothers dreamed of seeing their daughters and granddaughters stand side by side with men; equal in dignity, respect and achievement. Our culture tells us that the Women’s Rights Movement, the Feminist Movement and the Sexual Revolution unlocked our cages and set us free to be man’s equal. But have we really achieved such equality?

These past hundred years did a lot for us as women. Newly enfranchised, we rose to the top of every profession and academic field available. We receive more diplomas then our male counterparts and outperform them at work. We don’t need help lifting boxes, opening doors or starting world-changing organizations.

As women, it seems we’ve reached the heights of equality. But, what’s really happened is that our prisons were simply relocated. Chained no longer to husbands and children, we are slaves to sexuality.

As Twenty-First Century women, we are oversexed and underdressed from the time we are tall enough to walk (toddler bikini’s and MTV’s Skins, anyone?). Abstinence and modest attire oppress; the girls who choose that lifestyle must hide their purity or accept being high school outcasts. Nothing less than skimpy, sexy and skinny gets noticed, and nothing is worse than going unnoticed.

Walk into the junior’s department and you’ll stumble into a lingerie shop; sweet 16 has lost its sweetness. Look at the time, money and effort women devote to looking like the perfect image they cannot afford to not be. Get in line, sweetheart, if you have an eating disorder—and while you’re waiting absorb these tips on making your sexual relationships last through the second hookup.

Where is a woman’s right to choose to be more than the sum of the sexual pleasure she gives?

The Porn industry is quickly becoming one of the most lucrative industries in the world, along with human trafficking (sexual and labor) and illegal sales of drugs and arms. Our culture verbally condemns sex trafficking but physically consent to it by indulging in easy-access porn and consummating one-night stands with strangers. The idea of a woman is now hardly more than a sexual object of satisfaction. Instead of broadening our horizons with our own careers, our own 401Ks, our own pursuits of income equality, we have accepted our prison bedrooms and vowed to be better performers and hung large signs that read “Will Trade Sex for Attention.”

But casual sex is freedom from restraint, some cry. It is consummating our freedom from oppressive husbands and forced motherhood. We have the freedom and the legal right to choose our own destinies.

But are we really free?

On some level we are. A woman’s right to choose is a brand new freedom and idea. Easy access to contraceptives and no-questions-asked abortions allows us to take off our pants at a moments notice because we don’t need to make sure that each man is provider. Our identity and value in our families and society used to be tied intrinsically to our production and rearing of multiple (male) children. In this last century, however, the ability to chose a pregnancy became a right as birth-control technology and the realization of our independent rights became more solid. The feminist movement unlocked the front door and let us leave our husbands’ homes to venture on career paths and to carve out respectable identities based on our own achievements. For the first time in history, a woman can be more than her ability to produce children and to iron pants.

Easy access to abortion makes it easier for men and women to have sex without the natural consequences and responsibilities: babies, families, relationships. But the easy access we have all enjoyed to legal contraceptives and abortions in the United States has led to easier and easier access to our bodies. How is that what once cost men flowers, dinner, and a verbal pledge to a lifetime commitment now only requires a look and a nod to the bathroom at the back of the airplane?

We don’t even ask for verbal affirmation anymore. Love-making has been reduced to what we can do with our hands, and our mouths, and our bodies. Sex has lost its sacred dangerousness, and women have lost their esteem and value.

Historically, women have been the moral gatekeepers of society. Now, many of us are raped, sexually abused, or endlessly harassed by the time we reach our early 20’s. Our fractured beings are unable to keep society’s moral gate shut, so it is a sexual free for all whether we want it to be or not. The mindset of abuse is so pervasive in our culture that even women who have never been abused walk with a limp, because we no longer know what unbroken sexuality is like.

“The Most dangerous place for African-Americans is in the Womb.” This slogan appeared for a few days on a billboard on an obscure corner in New York City’s Soho neighborhood. The billboard was part of a campaign funded by Life Always, a Texas group whose Board of Directors includes pastors Stephen Broden and Derek McCoy (both successful, black men), Abby Johnson (former director of Planned Parenthood who resigned in 2009), and Brian Follet (founder of Life Foundation). Many commenters argue that this billboard is offensive and racist. But, if we only focus on the use of race, we risk ignoring the central message of this billboard.

It was designed to be a provocative image of an even more provocative fact; that roughly 50% of all pregnancies end in abortion. These statistics clearly reflect a culture that craves sex but does not want any children. The fulfillment of this desire is impossible; no birth control works that well. Sex and babies are like up and down; forever linked in a consequential relationship. Easy access to abortions decreased the cost of sexual intercourse and increased access to the female body.

Why is there so much sex for its own sake? Because nobody looks at a woman as more than her ability to enlist ecstatic shudders from a man. There is nothing special about being a woman anymore. Our emotions are mocked, our intelligence judged, our bodies appraised and our sexual skills advertised and rated.

In the Feminist movement, we sought to compete with the men on their own turf. In doing so, we conceded our gifts and powers to the subjugation of men and have lost our own sense of being.

What must we do to recover our dignity? We must stop judging ourselves by our girlfriends and movie stars. We must not be skinny or trade our bodies for attention. We must stop seeking to beat the men and engage them respectfully as peers.

We must be ourselves at all costs–no one else can give what you alone can give. We must believe in our selves and our individuality.

I once heard sexy described as simply being comfortable in your own skin–we must be sexy like that. We must not stop doing our hair and fixing our makeup and caring about our appearances. We must not stop pursing careers and the passions of our hearts and being highly successful in whatever we do. Those things we must continue. In continuing to be free in ourselves, we allow and encourage others to be free in their own beings. We are Women. Sacred creators of life.

Our right to choose must come before the pregnancy, before the reach for contraceptives and before that first, sweet kiss. Our right to choose must come when we look in the mirror and remember that we are more than the next hook up, more than our sexuality, our bodies, and our achievements. We were once allowed to be only wives and mothers, but now we parade as half-naked slaves–blindfolded and chained to mere carnal pleasures.

O beautiful woman, pick up your dignity. Become more than a low-cost sex toy.

Claim the right to choose how your body is spent..

August 1, 2011 | Categories: Sex | 67628 Comments »https%3A%2F%2Fgoodwomenproject.com%2Fsex%2Fslaves-to-sexSlaves+To+Sex%3A+On+Feminism+%26+Sexuality2011-08-01+20%3A15%3A47adminhttp%3A%2F%2Fgoodwomenproject.com%2F%3Fp%3D676

How Pride, Virginity & Abstinence Messed Up My Sex Life

Editor’s Note: This submission was written by Prisca, and good grief. She brings up something about virginity & abstinence that I’ve never heard talked about. Why are you waiting? Do you have the right view of sex? Are you having trouble ‘switching gears’ now that you’re married? I’d love if you left your thoughts in the comments below. Prisca blogs at PangsOfCreation. – Lauren

Prior to getting to married, I was an overzealous advocate of abstinence. This did not mean that I organized True Love Waits rallies, attended purity balls or brandished a purity ring (mine was placed in a ‘safe’ location in my room never to be seen again after my 13th birthday). But it did mean that I took the decision to save sex for marriage very seriously.

For one, I was determined to heed my mother’s early admonishments not to “make the same mistakes she did.” I would learn from the heartache of her unwanted pregnancy at 19. I would protect my heart and my body.

My commitment to chastity also became entrenched due to the highly sexualized nature of North American youth culture. It disturbed me to my deepest core that remaining a virgin past the age of 16 was deemed an unrealistic goal. So I took it upon myself to be the exception. I would show that it was possible to remain ‘pure.’ It is here that the seeds of pride were sown in the fertile ground of good intentions.

I embraced the image of myself as the radical abstinence practitioner until I became engaged at the age of 24. Up to this point, my pride had deluded me into thinking that I had a balanced, Godly view of sexuality. I assumed that because I had ‘fought the good fight’ to remain chaste, I would be able to seamlessly transition into a healthy sexual relationship with my husband.

However, as the wedding night approached, I found myself reluctant to have sex and growing ever resentful at the idea that I had to surrender 24 years of hard won virginity. I did not see sexual intercourse as a gift from God or a wonderful way to gain intimacy with my husband. Instead sex signified a loss. To me, it meant nothing more than deflowerment. The fact that I would even view my husband as a ‘deflowerer’ should have been the sign that something was seriously wrong about my attitude towards sex. But my pride did not allow me to challenge this viewpoint.

And so I spent a very disappointing honeymoon trying to have awesome sex but just feeling empty. I tried to be sexy (wear lingerie etc.) but it felt extremely hollow. I was going through the motions but not owning my sexuality. I knew that I was blocked inside somehow. I couldn’t recognize that it was my own pride that had twisted my commitment to chastity into chains that confined my married sexuality.

You see rather than let God shape my sexuality; I made it all about me. My dedication to chastity was egocentric – it centered on the steeling of my will, and the impressiveness of my ability to have a serious relationship without physical intercourse.

I loved the respect I got from being a virgin and I did not see how being a wife gave me any honor. As often goes with pride, the more I made my commitment to abstinence about me, the more I became distanced from the real me – a sexual being God created for pleasure. I did not want to be sexual and I divorced myself from that identity. I refused to make peace with my vagina (you just stay down there and do your thing –I’ll do mine) and I viewed Biblical examples of sexual pleasure as embarrassingly crass (“Breasts like ripe melons”?! Keep your mind out of the gutter Solomon!).

Ultimately, the squelching of my sexuality only led to heartache and frustration for me and my husband.

It can be very hard for a dedicated virgin to ‘switch gears’ into passionate married sexuality. If the transition is difficult for you, you are not alone. But God can heal you and help you realize that your chaste self is not that far removed from your sexual self. After all, chastity is meant to prepare you for intimacy, be it with God through bodily purity or with your husband through the physical act of sex. I would like to encourage others to embrace chastity but not to do so at the expense of their own God given sexuality.

It is possible to turn chastity, one’s virginity- into an idol. By prizing our own purity too highly, it is possible to hurt married sexuality.

Do not let abstinence become an idol in your life, like I did.
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July 25, 2011 | Categories: Sex | 66841 Comments »https%3A%2F%2Fgoodwomenproject.com%2Fsex%2Fhow-pride-and-virginity-messed-up-my-sex-lifeHow+Pride%2C+Virginity+%26+Abstinence+Messed+Up+My+Sex+Life2011-07-25+04%3A01%3A34adminhttp%3A%2F%2Fgoodwomenproject.com%2F%3Fp%3D668

Sex: I Want It More Than My Husband

Editor’s Note: Hollywood puts sex outside of marriage on a pedestal, and Christians have done the same – but with sex inside of marriage. As Christians, we try to take sex out of our life, minds & conversations while we’re single – but expect sex to be already-perfect the day we say I Do. While Hollywood & everyone else are talking about sex every single day. This month is part of Good Women Project’s attempt to share the real stories about sex, both inside & outside of marriage. Lyssa writes about sex with her husband, and how both the world & the Church have influenced her view of herself, her sex life, & how a woman should view sex with her husband. – Lauren

I have a confession to make. I like sex. No, I take that back. I don’t just like sex, I love sex.

I crave that physical intimacy with my husband almost every day. This shouldn’t be a problem, right? I mean, that’s the way God designed me to be, right? I should feel blessed that I don’t ever have to deal with not wanting sex, right?

I did nothing wrong and everything right. I waited until I was married to have sex and now I have a high sex drive (sometimes higher than my husband’s) and instead of viewing it as a blessing, I feel like something’s wrong with me.

I feel like I’m defective. I feel guilty when I want it and he doesn’t, like I have no right to want it when he doesn’t. That as a woman I’m not supposed to love sex or want it this much. I’ve even heard someone suggest that there’s something medically wrong with me for wanting it so much.

Why can’t I want it? Why can’t I crave the very oneness with my husband my God designed me for? What’s wrong with that?

But then I get caught up again, with all the messages that I see in society about how there’s something wrong with women who enjoy sex too much and I don’t even have to tell someone else about it to feel shame.

I shame myself. I tell myself that I should even teach myself to enjoy it less; that if I could it would somehow make me a better wife, a more acceptable woman. Even though my husband has never said one bad thing about it to me and has been the most supportive husband he could ever be, I have still found myself thinking “Yeah, but I would be a better wife if he didn’t have to put up with this insane sex drive of mine.”

But it helps me when I keep open communication with him. My husband is not a mind reader – he can’t know what I’m feeling. It sounds a little silly, because of course I know he’s not a mind reader, but sometimes I treat him like he should be. So I keep open communication with him – I tell him what I’m feeling, when I want it, when I’m struggling with wanting it, and we see what we can do, how we can make things work.

And by opening up to him instead of keeping it in, he has that chance to show me his love, he has a chance to take my vulnerabilities and make me feel safe.

With his support and the strength of my Lord, who loves me dearly and created me to do this very thing, to love my husband, to crave that oneness of flesh, I’m taking a stand today. A stand that’s not easy to take, even anonymously, because I know very well that tomorrow these feelings could tear me apart again.

Because it’s a seesaw. It really is. I go back and forth between wanting to own my high sex drive and loving the fact that I enjoy and want sex so much – to feeling like I’m a shameful woman and there must be something wrong with me.

On my worst days, I’ve even cried over it. It’s a battle I have to fight every single day and you’d never know it by looking at me.

But today, today I can take a stand before you.

I want sex with my husband and I’m not ashamed of that.

I love sex with my husband and there’s nothing wrong with me.

I am exactly the way God made me and there is nothing wrong with that.

If you are like me, I want you to know: there is nothing wrong with you either.
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July 14, 2011 | Categories: Sex | 657143 Comments »https%3A%2F%2Fgoodwomenproject.com%2Fsex%2Fi-want-it-more-than-my-husbandSex%3A+I+Want+It+More+Than+My+Husband2011-07-14+04%3A01%3A47adminhttp%3A%2F%2Fgoodwomenproject.com%2F%3Fp%3D657

Let’s Talk About Sex: Love Vs. Morals

I didn’t grow up in a home that practiced the Christian faith, apart from attending services on Easter and Christmas. That being said, I didn’t grow up without morals, but I grew up without knowing the love of God.

I saw my parents marriage fall apart as they left each other for other people and many times I was the child placed in the middle of their communication problems.

Within that time, I had my first serious relationship with a Christian boy who came from a strict Christian family. When we started having sex a few months into the relationship, I thought nothing of it in relation to my faith other than it was something I needed to repent for if I wanted to go to heaven.

I thought it was a natural part of any relationship when you loved the person you were with. Bringing in the emotions that come along with a sexual relationship at the age of 16 and 17 brought about a downward spiral to the relationship.

It brought in controlling, jealous, emotional abuse that I felt the only way could be stopped was through sex. This is where I developed the biggest misconception about pleasing someone with love. It became a crutch, a quick fix, a “if I give you all of me, it will be good enough to make you love me for who I am.” But it never was.

I was stuck in a period of time in my life where nothing I did for anyone was ever good enough. It slowly developed into self destructive behavior because it was the furthest cry for help I could find. Once I was finally able to step away from the relationship, I tried emotionally disconnecting myself from any sexual relationship that occured after that. I was still attending church every Sunday, accumulating more and more guilt everytime I went.

At that point, I told myself it was a physical need that I could be 100% emotionally detached from, yet the tears fell harder and I felt emptier. I got to the point where I asked God why? Why isn’t anything I do ever good enough?

And that’s when He showed me, slowly. He showed me how much He loved me. That I, and every daughter of God, is His lily among the thorns. That no matter how much I tried to make God dissatisfied with me, like the people in my life were, He wasn’t. He never stopped pursuing me, loving me, offering to hold me as I kept digging a deeper hole.

Ladies, He wants you just as you are and He wants ALL of you.

I am 24 now and finally dating again. I have found an awesome boyfriend who supports me even in my weaknesses and if that isn’t a Godsend, I don’t know what is. It can still be a daily challenge to understand God’s ultimate love for me, but I am seeing it more clearly everyday.

Once you understand God’s love for you, you can understand what a man’s love for you should be.

Like Max and Lauren’s “A Good Woman’s Guide to the 21st Century,” says- good men do exist, and they want good women. I hope any young girls struggling can believe and have enough faith to wait, and if not, I hope their experiences can be used to witness to others who want to hear it.

“Like a lily among the thorns is my darling among the young women” Song of Solomon 2:2 (NIV)

“Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires” Song of Solomon 3:5 (NIV).

July 12, 2011 | Categories: Sex | 6554 Comments »https%3A%2F%2Fgoodwomenproject.com%2Fsex%2Flets-talk-about-sex-love-vs-moralsLet%27s+Talk+About+Sex%3A+Love+Vs.+Morals2011-07-12+04%3A01%3A45adminhttp%3A%2F%2Fgoodwomenproject.com%2F%3Fp%3D655

Sex, Secrets & Being Sought After

Editor’s Note: This was written by Emily. She tweets at @EmmersKate and just started blogging here! – Lauren

“…and you will be called Sought After, the City No Longer Deserted.” Isaiah 62:12

I don’t think any book about purity or sex that was shoved my way at church camp did justice to the truth in this verse. I fight back tears each time I read it, and let them fall as I savor its reality.

I remember the exact moment I became aware of my own body. I was a seventh grader at the pool with my best friend when she pointed out the boys our age looking over. At first I was delighted at the thought of male attention. Receiving it up until that point had never really occurred to me. To my great disappointment however, it was obvious that they were much more interested in her hour glassed figure than my boyish, flat chest had to offer, and in that instant, I began to allow my imperfections to define me.

This was only the beginning. My lack of interest in sports growing up had kept me from developing much athletic skill, so my parents were a little curious about my sudden interest in exercise, but it was nothing abnormal at first. I begged them to join a gym, and started counting calories, but I still wasn’t satisfied. Something was missing.

At about 100 pounds I entered my junior year of high school at an extreme self conscious level. I had not developed a full scale eating disorder, yet was unnaturally plagued with thoughts of looking fat in my size 0 jeans. A few months into that year, I met a boy who for the first time, seemed to enjoy how I looked. A few weeks in he was pushing the limit physically.

No one had prepared me for this. I had grown up in a church and knew that rules: no sex before marriage. I am not blaming the church for my ignorance, yet often wonder if further precautions would have aided me at that time.

Needless to say, the boy’s interest was fleeting, and I found myself entering into an even deeper state of insecurity. This time, dieting or exercise wasn’t enough. I had to have the physical affirmation.

This craving for attention left me spiraling into the hands of guy after guy. I would wake up in someone’s bed crying, and leave before they ever woke up. Other mornings, I remember leaving their bed for church or to go lead a bible study, and pulling myself together with a prayer for forgiveness in my car.

My world was a complete secret to my friends and family. Everyone except the guys involved. Looking back I sometimes wonder how those encounters arose so quickly. It was like I had entered into this network of people who wanted me for one thing alone, and otherwise could care less if I were alive or dead.

In an effort to break the awful guilty cycle I would try deleting numbers or blocking certain guys from calling. Instead, I would drive myself crazy and start initiating things myself if they didn’t contact me fast enough. This continued on for several years with more guys than I care to remember.  On the outside, I was the happy, popular college girl who had it all together at church and at school. On the inside, I was broken.

I wish I could say there was a huge moment of transformation for me. Like one day I woke up and realized that God was bigger than this or that I was meant for more. Those things are undeniably true, but waking up one morning changed is not what my growing looked like.

For me, leaving this cycle of sexual sin and despair has been a process of believing the truth about myself and who God has made me to be.

I never doubted God’s love, but I doubted the vastness of it. A God that loved me enough to give Himself up for me does not sit idly by as I give myself away.

He fights for me.

Because I was created for satisfaction of my very soul, anything less than a Savior that fills that is worthless.

He is all.

Because I am designed to take part in the Glory of God, and because the Spirit of the Sovereign Lord lives inside of me, my soul will never be at rest until it is content bringing Him glory.

His plans for me are great.

The same Lord who is including me in His glory is also crazy about me. Not only is He in love with me, but He has changed my name. I am not broken, I am His.

I am Sought After.

The first time someone said some of those things to me, I stood unconvinced. The first time I read passages describing those truths, I felt convicted, but my promise to change was not kept. I am telling you that because I want you to be encouraged and hear that HE IS ENOUGH even when you don’t believe me yet. Even when you’re sitting there saying “yeah I know but I’m the exception.” You’re right. I don’t know your situation, but Jesus does and He is seeking your heart.

He is at work in you, and He won’t rest until He has you in His arms.

Be encouraged, sister, because Jesus is better..

July 9, 2011 | Categories: Sex | 63814 Comments »https%3A%2F%2Fgoodwomenproject.com%2Fsex%2Fsex-secrets-sought-afterSex%2C+Secrets+%26+Being+Sought+After2011-07-09+05%3A01%3A43adminhttp%3A%2F%2Fgoodwomenproject.com%2F%3Fp%3D638

I’m In Love With Sex

Editor’s Note: This post was written by Amber Louthan. She blogs here & tweets at @amberlouthan. She’s not afraid to say that she loves sex, and not afraid to share her experience. I love it. She preceded this submission by saying it’s for the single ladies, but I beg to differ. It’s truth applies to everyone. Also, Amber admits a lot of this was inspired by the book, Sex and the Soul of a Woman – and we both wholly recommend it.  – Lauren

Ah sex – Is there a more taboo subject for a twenty-nine year old, single, divorced Christian woman to talk about?

Oh well, I kind of think it’s the elephant in the room and I hate those, so I’m talking about it. If you’ve talked to me more than once, we’ve probably discussed sex. It’s kind of a big deal to me. It’s kind of a big deal period.

I spent the first year or so after my divorce trying to figure out a way that I could love and follow Jesus and also have sex outside of marriage. And I don’t mean that I casually thought it over in my head every once in a while. I argued, whined, researched, questioned and complained pretty much relentlessly.

When you are married at eighteen and divorced at twenty eight, and you live in this world at this time, not having sex seems like a non-option. Also, lets say you think sex is the bees knees and you’re used to doing it whenever you want- having to stop seems damn near impossible and the opposite of appealing. But you guys, I never figured out a way to make the concept of sex outside of marriage jive with loving Jesus.

As a matter of fact, if I was being quite honest I would say, the only thing harder than not having sex outside of marriage is having sex outside of marriage. If I were telling you about my own experience I would say it is beyond reckless and destructive. If I were sharing about my own life, I would say that I found it to be extremely harmful. If I were divulging details of my own life this is where I would get defensive and say something dumb like, “I’m a Christian so I didn’t have like, a whole bunch of unmarried sex. I just had like, a Christian amount of unmarried sex.”

But let’s keep this hypothetical and say, it might have broken my heart, stole a piece of it and left me feeling empty. And also, it separated me from Jesus.

Lucky for me, Jesus is okay with broken and empty.

I took myself to Him, put everything on pause and asked Him to help me regroup. I stopped asking Him how I was going to make it without sex and started asking Him why He wanted me to. And He answered. He is pretty good about being Himself, I just needed to turn everything off for long enough to hear Him.

And He is a big picture kind of God, so He showed me the Best Metaphor Ever. Sex is supposed to be a picture of intimacy with Him. It’s not just a fun thing He gave us to pass the time with, it’s not even just a beautiful thing that happens between husband and wife. It is an earthly, bodily representation of union with Him.

Honestly, that is all the answer I need. I mean, I really, really, really enjoy sex. I might like it enough that the threats of it eventually breaking my heart and leaving me feeling empty wouldn’t keep me from trying it again. Fear is a pretty terrible motivator. Love though, it is a phenomenal motivator. And He has revealed His Love more completely and intimately as I have given over this part of me.

Pausing and reevaluating sex and intimacy reset something in me, allowed God to do work in me that He couldn’t have done before. He not only revealed lies that I believe about sex, He showed me what it is like to be in more intimate relationship with Him. He has pointed out areas where I feared to let Him in and aspects of our relationship that I just completely misunderstood.

Because one of the main lenses I see my God through was so distorted by messy relationships and sex, it not only clouded and misrepresented sexuality, it misrepresented God and His love. In doing my best to listen to His heart for me, I have been able to really experience a revelation of His Love and grace. I realize I’m overstating this, but you guys, it’s just so wonderful.

So yes, not having sex at all outside of marriage, or doing any activity that is not honoring to God, as hokey and boring and prudish as that might sound, is where I have landed. Because it is totally not worth messing up my relationship with Jesus. I know abstinence is a foreign concept to some people. I also know there are probably some of you who are shocked that it is not where I landed immediately. Truthfully, I wasn’t actually looking to be stopped in my tracks or for a big spiritual lesson when I started asking Him why. I was mostly hoping to stop getting myself wrecked by heartbreak and loss.

My plan was to stop all sexual activity in order to keep from doing anymore physical and emotional damage, maybe even figure out how to have a more whole view of sex. His plan? To restore wholeness and redeem my soul, to give me a more whole view of Him and His love. So. Much. Better. It is immeasurably more than all I could ask or imagine.

Also, if you have any questions feel free to leave a comment. I would love to keep a dialogue going and if I can’t help you, I’ll pass your question along to an actual expert.

July 7, 2011 | Categories: Sex | 63327 Comments »https%3A%2F%2Fgoodwomenproject.com%2Fsex%2Fim-in-love-with-sexI%27m+In+Love+With+Sex2011-07-07+05%3A01%3A00adminhttp%3A%2F%2Fgoodwomenproject.com%2F%3Fp%3D633

Let’s Talk About Sex: He Is Touch

Editor’s Note: I wish I had read this 5 years ago. My love language is physical touch, and in my desperation for “touch” I have sacrificed much. As did Amanda. The story she shares about her experience with touch, sex, & God is healing. Amanda blogs here and tweets at @runninmandy. – Lauren

“I am Touch.”

The statement ricocheted through me like an earthquake.

I stood in the upper row weeping. Tears from the years seeped through my eyes and my soul.

God is Touch.

To understand the weeping I will have to be very transparent. I accepted sex when I wanted love. As you pick your chin up at the boldness of that statement, stay with me.

I grew up in a home that was devout, substantial, and tried their best. My parents were not by nature “affectionate,” but intricate to my personal DNA, I longed for touch.

So, at the age of 15 I became sexually active. And it began. Accepting sex as a replacement for love.

For the record, I have had 4 sexual partners and full sexual relationships were only with my husbands. Not exactly promiscuous by society’s standards, but damaging and ultimately soul shattering none the less.

Our sexuality is linked with our soul. It is the ultimate giving of our most vulnerable self as a gift to another. I was vulnerable with those that were not able to mirror my vulnerability, and protect me.

I received sex when I wanted love. I wanted intimacy. I traded my sexuality in a desperate attempt to connect with unavailable intimacy. It didn’t (and doesn’t) work.

But that night, in a moment that I will never forget and possibly never fully comprehend, I healed.

HE is touch.

I did not, and do not need touch outside of Him.

I cannot adequately do this wrecking of my soul justice, except to say I was instantaneously healed of the need for what I had come to know as “love.” For “touch” in a unhealthy manner.

I grasped and received the revelation that “He is.”

There are no words to describe the sacredness of this divine interruption: I was freed. I am free.

He is Touch.

No longer must I accept sloppy human leftovers to my broken soul from other broken souls. Humanity cannot provide what we were created to fill with Him. It’s a sacredness. It’s “Touch” that can only be felt when administered by THE lover of our soul.

He. Is. Touch.
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July 5, 2011 | Categories: Sex | 6199 Comments »https%3A%2F%2Fgoodwomenproject.com%2Fsex%2Fhe-is-touchLet%27s+Talk+About+Sex%3A+He+Is+Touch2011-07-05+05%3A01%3A11adminhttp%3A%2F%2Fgoodwomenproject.com%2F%3Fp%3D619

Sex, Honeymoons, And Things I Didn’t Know

Editor’s Note: This month, we are tackling the topic of sex. We’ll be sharing our stories on sex – from addictions, abuse, pornography, honeymoons, marriage – all of it. The good and the bad. Haley from Tiny Twig shares what she didn’t know about sex, the honeymoon, and all things related. She blogs here and tweets at @thetinytwig. – Lauren

Husband and I met when I was 16. I felt deep down that things were different with him, even though I didn’t have enough sense to know the weight of that insinuation. We met on a Youth Group retreat–and how cliche, except that I had never gone on a trip like that before. See, he was a born and bred “church boy”…and I? Well, I was brought up in a home where Sundays were for washing cars and doing yard work. The Easter Bunny lorded over Easter and I was always confused as to why Christmas Carols had nary a mention of Santa. Our childhoods were worlds different, even though only a few miles apart.

When we met, Husband was drawn to the fact that I was “different” than the girls that he knew from his private Christian school. And, for my part, I was drawn to the fact that he was honest and true. There weren’t games with him. I didn’t feel used or like somehow the joke was on me like I did with guys I knew from the past.

The same weekend I met my Husband I coincidentally really met God. It was like the quote from C.S. Lewis of his conversion, “When we set out I did not believe that Jesus is the Son of God, and when we reached the zoo I did.” I joke if we had met one week later, I would have been too “goody-goody” for my husband and he wouldn’t have stood a chance because I would have been too busy “dating Jesus”. Oh, man.

Well, a few years later found us still dating and attending the same Christian university. It was there that I heard the well-meaning lie that would color my views on sex for years to come.

A handsome preacher with a southern drawl was speaking to the student body during Chapel, his credentials and authority on sex being that he was a man and he was a “Man of God”. In an effort to combat the encroachment of culture and make sex seem so utterly and completely worth waiting for, Christians can unintentionally spin lies of their own.

His was, “Don’t bother packing anything for your honeymoon. You don’t need clothes. You just need a jumbo pack of Gatorade to stay healthy for all the amazing sex you’ll be having. You can get dehydrated you know.”

Having been dating my someday Husband for 3 years, I desperately wanted to believe that the sex we were waiting for would be the unicorn-like experience I had been promised.

And. Sex was good. Sex was intimate and bonding in all the ways I think Scripture intended. But, it wasn’t a sweat-drenched, strobe light, made for movies, all day marathon on the kitchen table I had been led to believe it would be by all the well meaning married Christians I knew. As I get further into marriage, I realize, that’s not bad.

However, it would have saved a lot of frustration if I wasn’t sold a false bill of goods by a well-meaning, Matthew Mcconaughey look-alike, southern preacher. I felt like something was wrong with our marriage because every night wasn’t fireworks, throbbing music, and banging headboard.

Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me:

*Slipping that ring on his finger doesn’t make you an instant sex-expert. Don’t get frustrated that he hasn’t become one either. Learn each other…you have a lifetime to figure it out. Sex doesn’t have to be amazing at first. Don’t let that get you discouraged. Stick with it. Stay open to your spouse.

*Don’t let bad habits form in the early days of your marriage. They can be difficult to break. Those habits don’t have to be “sinful” or awful, but things like not speaking up about what you like and not being emotionally present need to be dealt with and worked through, not ignored.

*Deal with the hangups you have about sex (and EVERYONE has some…) consistently as you go. Don’t stuff them down. They only amplify, they don’t go away.

*Be sexy. Discover what you think is sexy.

*Sex is a marathon…but not in the gatorade-at-every-turn kind. It is a marathon with changes of seasons, ebbs and flows, victories and challenges. It is beautiful, just like all of creation.

*It gets better and better, just like any great story.
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July 2, 2011 | Categories: Sex | 51415 Comments »https%3A%2F%2Fgoodwomenproject.com%2Fsex%2Fhoneymoons-things-i-didnt-knowSex%2C+Honeymoons%2C+And+Things+I+Didn%27t+Know2011-07-02+05%3A01%3A26adminhttp%3A%2F%2Fgoodwomenproject.com%2F%3Fp%3D514