They Do Exist.

I’M DONE RUNNING.

Editor’s Note: Today, Lindsey Morgan Quam writes for us. She blogs at ezer-kenegdo.tumblr.com. Find grace again. Today and every day, for we never stop needing it. – Lauren

I’ve wrestled and fought to understand why my life has panned out as it has. I’ve tried to change it and I’ve tried to ignore it by drowning my sorrows away with a bottle of tears.

There is no cut and dry answer here. No solution to this math problem.

Over the past four years I have given up everything. EVERYTHING. Relationships, worldly possessions, dreams, hopes, fears, life, death.

I’ve always thought that if you gave up everything to God, He would return the favor and give you more than you’ve ever thought possible.

Well…here I am and I still have nothing.

Correction. I have nothing of what I expected to have at age-almost-26. Honestly, I’m not sure what I thought my life would look like – but I know it wasn’t this.

Here is the place that I have made my home. In a bed full of sorrows, fears, unanswered prayers, doubts, lost dreams and broken hearts.

Sounds pretty pitiful, right? I know. My friends and family have fought for me in prayer and love. They have not been afraid to point out my faults and tell me that I reek of sorrowful stench and regret.  I am so thankful.

Recently, after a very long run, I decided to nurse my wounds with a bottle of white wine and a hot bath. I spent the rest of the evening hugging the porcelain throne. The next morning I reeked of more than just sorrow. As I spent the next hour scrubbing every inch of my bathroom, I felt the love of God so tenderly kneeling beside me helping me scrub my bathroom clean.

At that very moment I came to the very real conclusion that my life will never look the way I thought it would when sixteen-year-old me made a dream board of how my future would pan out.

I am okay with this. More than okay.

Why? Because I would rather be where I am, here, single and completely enamored with the love of Christ. I’d rather be here than anywhere else. It doesn’t matter where I live or where I work; as long as I have this relationship with Him, than that is enough for me. In fact, sometimes it’s more than I can handle.

After all my running and stumbling and fighting I have now come to a posture of surrender. Complete and utter surrender to you. Do with my life whatever you will God and I will praise you in the midst of every circumstance no matter how lonely, or sleepless, or heartbreaking they may be.

I have given up everything, and He has given me everything that is of true value back in return.

Because He is worth it all.


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52 Responses

  1. Molly

    In the midst of not seeing redemption and feeling a sense of entitlement for all that I’ve given up for the Lord, this post is exactly what I needed. Thank you for letting the Lord speak through you to bless others. I am truly humbled.

    June 13, 2012 at 1:29 am

  2. As I started reading this, I felt that I was reading a story from my own past. I am now at a point in my walk where I can start to see the good things that God is giving me. The things He has chosen for me are quite different than the things I thought I desired. Yet, I know all these gifts are good because I know the One who gives them. Take heart for this is not the end.

    June 13, 2012 at 7:39 am

  3. blanchej

    oh this is beautiful, something i learned this semester too, actually.

    Jesus. that's all i need, that's all my desire is; i think of psalm 73- the part where it says "my heart and flesh may fail but God is the strength of my heart and portion forever."

    isn't it so liberating once we've come to the conclusion to be content in the season we are in? praying for you!

    June 13, 2012 at 8:42 am

  4. overthinkingwithfaith

    Amen!!! Such a moving post!!!

    June 13, 2012 at 10:38 am

  5. Katie

    This is WONDERFUL! It completely resonates with my heart and the difficult circumstances that I've been going through. I was just going for a walk this morning and talking to Jesus and realized again that, even in the middle of difficulties, I wouldn't change it because I am experiencing such incredible depths with Him and such intimacy with Him. It is so so worth it because that's what life is about – knowing Him more and more! Your post was so perfect for me today! Thank you!

    June 13, 2012 at 12:40 pm

  6. Clara

    Awesome post. I cannot think of a better way to express what I feel, too. We already have everything that is important, what endures. And don't worry, even if it takes long, God will shape your life in such a way you won't be able to stop exposing His glory. Thanks for this. :)

    June 13, 2012 at 1:31 pm

  7. Michelle

    Oh Lindsey, I totally understand. finally came to a similar realization at the end of last year too. Sometimes I think, “I cannot be alone for the rest of my life. I cannot do this another day.” but in better moments I know we are never truly alone. :]

    June 14, 2012 at 3:57 am

  8. meganleiann

    Beautiful. This really hit home with me- especially since part of my journey is that I really am done running. Literally done running. Cling to what endures is my new motto. This is exactly the reminder I needed today.

    June 18, 2012 at 7:16 pm

  9. Amen, amen, and amen.

    June 19, 2012 at 6:37 pm

  10. faye

    So is it wrong to want more? If God’s word says He’d have us be in good health and prosper, is it wrong to want that? I believe God wants us to dream and have faith. I believe He wants us to want MORE because He can give it and wants to. While I do believe we should give thanks in everything and be grateful I see nothing wrong with desiring more and having the faith to pursue it. The problem comes with fear and doubt that it’ll never get better. God wants us to enjoy life and while the love of Christ is very fulfilling, we are called to be people of faith (because without it, we cannot please Him.) I just can’t agree with this article and I say that with love. :”)

    July 30, 2012 at 6:31 pm

  11. leilani

    Thank you so much, I feel like you have put into words what I haven't been able to articulate for a while.

    February 2, 2013 at 9:34 pm

  12. `Very sensitive issue in this article .Foye; I totally agree with you and your ideas .I absolutely agree with lindsay s comments too.its thought provoking and knowledge giving article .Remember ,God always wants us to enjiy luxuries of life.

    July 17, 2013 at 5:17 pm

  13. Sounds pretty pitiful, right? I know. My friends and family have fought for me in prayer and love. They have not been afraid to point out my faults and tell me that I reek of sorrowful stench and regret. I am so thankful.

    August 17, 2014 at 6:29 am

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