They Do Exist.

10 Lies We Believe About Interacting With The Opposite Sex

Editor’s Note: Today’s kickbutt post is by Courtney Gabrielson, a senior at Davidson College. She tweets at @cogabrielson and blogs at With that, HERE IS THE AWESOME. – Lauren

Truth: I am nearly 22 years old. I have never had a boyfriend – serious or otherwise – and have only been on two casual dates, one of which was my high school prom. For a long time I thought it was my problem. I seemed too awkward, too fat, too incapable and uninteresting. So I dieted, learned how to ask people questions, did a lot of social things that felt risky and uncomfortable so as to strengthen my latent relational muscle.

And nothing happened. Still. Nothing’s happened. And perhaps it continues to be my problem. Perhaps, being a member of Generation MTV, brought up with Disney and Barbie’s Dreamhouse, I am a dysfunctional customer of a culture that sold me a hyper-romantic myth of what relationships look like: sex sex sex or Kleinfelds. I do watch a lot of movies.

I’ve been thinking about this for a long time. I’ve done my research. I’m convinced there is a big glob of lies that stand between women and men, keeping us from truly understanding one another, and messing up what should be relatively simple interactions.

I think that there is something wrong about the fact that girls feel guilty for wanting to be asked to formals; that come Friday night the same ladies are left lonely; that the majority of conversations women have with men are driven and instigated by those women; that at college breakfasts after church, the genders part much like the Red Sea.

It’s dumb and I hate it, and I think we need to get real. So, I want to take a few moments of your time, patient reader, to break down the lies I see from my perspective. Here I go.

Lie #1: “Let’s get lunch” = “let’s reproduce one day!”

I dislike the book “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” in much the same way that I abhor the phrase “intentional dating.” Their continual use in Christian culture has programmed everyone to think all women want is marriage, and that until mens’ desires finally catch up, there is absolutely no point in interacting with women beyond a casual, “how are you?”

The collateral damage of this lie has been staggering. I feel as though I am surrounded by guys that are, for the most part, scared of having mature, one-on-one conversations with other women. In the same vein, I feel as though I am surrounded by girls (myself included) who are constantly fighting a battle against discontentment and self-consciousness, wondering when it’ll be their turn to feel noticed. (And since it hasn’t happened yet, what’s wrong with us?!)

Furthermore, the sexual tension that pervades even the simplest campus ministry meeting is a pungent and thick as smoke. I can’t help but think that these problems wouldn’t be problems if we were okay with casual mingling.

Gentlemen, it’s what girls want to do. Hang out! Go to the movies. Dance at the Court. Laugh over chicken parm at Commons. Get pretty for you because frankly we think you’re cute! Ultimately, we just want to get to know you beyond the fact that you’re a Christian and a male. Contrary to popular belief, as much as we may want to get married eventually, no one is really truly biting at the bit to do it now. After all, we have to get into grad school and write a thesis and do everything else that we do. When we say “let’s get lunch,” that’s really all we mean.

Lie #2: Just because us ladies are slightly more assertive these days, it must mean that we want to be treated like robots.

Go my gender. We can vote, we can have jobs, we can be President. Yaaaaaaaay us. Why does this scare you? A lot of us still believe that women are programmed to be pursued by men [translated: We like when you initiate things]. The ball is in your court! We can be patient, but take note: we won’t wait forever. “Mario Kart” will not be going anywhere, but this girl and many others like her will if you don’t speak up. With words.

Lie #3: Being friendly equals “leading us on.” Therefore, in the interest of protecting us from thinking you want to pursue us romantically, acknowledge us as little as possible.

It’s sweet that you’re trying to guard our hearts. Really. But much like we can’t own your libido when we dress, you can’t own our emotions when you engage us in conversation. So, engage us in conversation. I don’t get why guys think it’s okay to be rude and standoffish during social occasions. It sucks to be ignored! Pleasantries are pleasant! Say hello when we’re standing three feet away from you; chat about the weather, ask about classes, work, whatever – we’re friends, so let’s act like it. Believe it or not, we are not 12 year-old-girls at a 6th grade dance; if you acknowledge us in public, we will not be writing our first names with y’all’s surnames in Hello Kitty journals after recess.

Lie #4: Dates mean high costs and expectations.

Do I have standards for a guy? Yes. But if we’re just getting to know each other, I’m not expecting an all-expense trip to Santorini here, nor Pride and Prejudice theatrics. Let’s just chat! Laugh. I might even split the check. If conversation makes you nervous, let’s ease into it by going to a movie. No. Pressure.

Lie #5: It’s okay that we don’t socialize or interact with the opposite sex, because my spouse will fall out of the sky.

This was a hard lesson for me to learn, because I have struggled for a long time with a false sense of introvertism (is this a word?). But God got my attention. How? Because He reminded me with that I cannot love Him well in a vacuum.

Do I believe that God has someone planned for me? Yes. But do I believe that the TV will turn on by itself? Nope. I have to get up and turn it on. In the same vein, I’ve got to meet Jesus [and people] halfway! I need to develop the characteristics of the woman who will one day be a good wife. And how do I do that? By meeting people, interacting with people, serving people. I’ve got to leave my dorm room occasionally. When Jesus said, “go out and make disciples of all men,” he didn’t indicate that we were to Facebook stalk them into submission, but instead to go out. One cannot say “I’m focusing on my relationship with Christ right now!” and then go into a hole. We are a social creations, of whom God said, “it is not good for man to be alone.”

This means that the sexes will have to mingle if we are to be a functioning, vibrant, Jesus-centered community. We might as well enjoy each others’ company! Does that mean that we are to serial-date and turn into some absurd lady killer or Scarlett woman? Nah. Everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial. Conversely, I think a lot of us are waiting for it to rain when God’s saying, “I invented hoses for a reason!” Check out Acts 1:11: “Men of Galilee,” they said, “why do you stand here looking into the sky?” We are constantly called to action, to do things that make us uncomfortable so that we grow.

Lie #6: My decision to ignore the opposite sex doesn’t hurt anyone.

False. Do you know how many crying-conversations I’ve been a part of because of the passivity and indecision of Christian men?

This is best evidenced by a conversation I had about dating with a guy friend of mine. I discussed how a lot of girls are frustrated with the disinterest of the great guys around them, and they are caught in a spiral of self-doubt. Guy doesn’t ask me out, there’s something wrong with me, I’m not pretty enough, I’m not skanky enough, I need to change, or be more aggressive. This is coming from girls who love Jesus and are otherwise incredibly confident. This was/is me! My friend was astonished that the non-initiative of Christian men was causing a loss of confidence in these awesome girls, which sucks, because men SEE the loss of confidence, and then don’t like it!

Lie #7: Women just want romance and have a minimal sex drive.

We are sexual creatures and have sexual desires. All of us. While I acknowledge that men may be wired in different ways, it’s frustrating and disillusioning to suppose that guys are alone in the fight against lust, fantasies, the objectification of the opposite sex, and pure thoughts on the beach. I and many women like me experience these things, too.

Lie #8: I don’t need to interact with real women, because porn is more interesting, or safer. I don’t have to try, and there are no strings attached.

I would wager that if men and women spent more time interacting in a low-pressure environment with the opposite sex, the desire to rely on pornography as a source of relief would decrease. Is it a scientific fact? I don’t know. Perhaps I’m oversimplifying. But from my perspective, it seems as though we’re getting more and more uncomfortable with each other while the percentage of pornography users in the Church grows. This problem is an essay for another day, but essentially, porn is crippling men and women, stunting their relational abilities while placing incredible pressures on the opposite sex.

Lie #9: Non-Christian girls have a more low-key approach to relationships, so it’s a good idea to pursue them instead of the Christian crazies who want to marry me after the first date.

No. No no no. This one makes me mad. Why? Because I’ve lived it. I’ve faced the judgment of high-and-mighty brothers in Christ, who made me feel like crap because my evangelistic strategies were not as militant as theirs, because I liked to wear bikinis in the summer, and because I thought their concepts of submission were delusional. Yet the girls they dated were the girls we “good Christian girls” were to never act like. Double standard?

This is not a judgment call on any women, nor is it saying I am a saint. It’s just a call for consistency between words and actions of Christian guys.

Lie #10: Submission is a divine right that all men receive from their ladies, either girlfriends or wife.

Submission is a good thing. But when Paul talks about wives submitting to their husbands in Ephesians 5, he states that men are supposed to love their wives as Jesus loved everyone. That’s incredible love!

I will most certainly submit to my husband – I’ll make him sandwiches everyday for the rest of his life if it’ll make him happy – but this will be after he’s proven to me he tries to love me unconditionally. If not? Well, then have a nice day. I won’t be marrying you and we won’t have any issues.

Some people see this verse as a mandate used to justify misogyny in all types of male-female relationships. Submission should never be used as tool for enslavement. Paul uses states submission is for “husbands and wives.” Not boyfriends and girlfriends. Not friends. It comes with marriage.


Guys: The awesome girls around you are sick and tired of this relational confusion. We want to be your friends! We want to get to know you! We want to spend time with you! Zetus lepidus, we want to encourage you! Show us how to do this. Meet us halfway. Stop being scared or indecisive or lazy or whatever it is that is holding you back from being the men we know you are capable of being.

Let’s smash the metaphorical Horcrux (he he he) and work together to achieve this goal. Ignoring us, putting off figuring out your issues, acting as though we’ll go away and re-appear when you want a wife isn’t getting anyone anywhere. May I make a suggestion for a good first step? Ask us out to lunch and we can discuss, maybe, how we can best encourage each other over some mac ‘n cheese.


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164 Responses

  1. Liz

    This is all my frustrations put into words! Thank you.

    March 26, 2013 at 10:07 am

  2. hrh413


    March 26, 2013 at 10:24 am

  3. I laughed all the way through this. You are fantastic and wonderful. Thankyou

    March 26, 2013 at 10:35 am

  4. Courtney

    Take out the part about making sandwiches, and this is me. Like weirdly so, because my name is Courtney, I’m 22, a senior in college and have never been on a date in my life (or been asked out). I go to a small Christian school so I’ve dealt with these issues on a daily basis. And if not me, then definitely my friends!

    March 26, 2013 at 10:39 am

  5. livfierce

    Oh man… I can't help but be thankful that I have a man in my life who hasn't bought into all this bull! While he dislike "playing games" in a relationship, his philosophy is to why not get to know someone you are attracted to as a friend and then see where it goes? There's nothing immoral about going out for coffee without having a committed relationship!

    Thank you for writing this post! I hope that through it, some men will realize that it's okay to relax a bit.

    March 26, 2013 at 10:50 am

  6. Michaeleen

    Zetus lepidus! Your blog post was awesome, and making a Zenon reference made you even awesomer!

    March 26, 2013 at 10:58 am

  7. LC

    This is awesome, hilarious, and so true!

    March 26, 2013 at 11:23 am

  8. Here be dragons

    Number 9. Yes!

    March 26, 2013 at 11:41 am

  9. I had a hard time reading this article given that some of the lies were directed at women (#2, #3) and others at men (#6, #7, #8). I wasn't sure if the article was meant for the men or the ladies. Anyway some comments I'd like to add…

    #3- I agree it's never okay to be rude and that being a friendly guy shouldn't be interpreted as leading women on. BUT (maybe I'm alone here) a guy being overly friendly with me will most definitely lead ME on. *This is probably because of all the pressure the church has placed on male/female friendships.* (I'm sure there are other women like me and I commend the men who put healthy boundaries in our friendship to guard my heart… setting boundaries doesn't mean being rude but simply acknowledging that too much friendliness for the sake of being friendly can be misinterpreted).

    I'm not too sure on #6…. the real problem here isn't that men aren't interacting with women, it's that they aren't asking women out. Even if men and women were happily interacting and being friends with each other, women would still be hurt if men still didn't ask them out, which according to your example was the real cause of pain. In any case, we can't blame/resent men for not initiating since they are free to decide who and when to date.

    I do stand behind #9 which sums up pretty well 99% of the Christian men I know. I joke around the fact that godly Christian men tend to set high and almost unreal expectations for godly, committed Christian women but end up marrying new believers or not as committed Christian girls in an attempt to get the "best of both worlds". I can honestly say I've been very hurt by the double standard and have even been tempted to act less godly since it's what's getting the godly men's attention.

    Good article, loved your theory in #8, seems absolutley possible.

    March 26, 2013 at 12:09 pm

  10. Lola

    fantastic! well written article and the HP reference was bloody brilliant.
    Praise God for this article!

    March 26, 2013 at 12:21 pm

  11. AJ

    I’m a man. I think the first to comment. Thanks. I think I do pretty well at all this, I know I’ve failed plenty though. But thanks for speaking out and sharing with guys about this,I know it was a good reminder for me. It’s sad that the church has put so much pressure on both sides and made dating and female-male relationships a scary ordeal. I know I have had great frustration with people who basically say opposite sex relationships are pointless cause once you get married they end. What? So I can’t be friends with women once i’m married? I understand not cheating and the boundaries would change but I don’t think we need to dump our female friends when we get married.

    March 26, 2013 at 12:36 pm

  12. Becca

    Just what I needed to hear TODAY. Literally just praying about feeling frustrated with interactions with men and women on my campus and the expectations of both. It's so comforting and encouraging to know other women my age haven't been in a dating relationship and love the Lord! Thank you for allowing God to work through you as you wrote this.

    March 26, 2013 at 1:19 pm

  13. stellaristic

    I feel like we would actually be best friends.

    March 26, 2013 at 1:34 pm

  14. Thank you for this. Seriously so good. #1 and #5 are ones that I've seen time and time again and drive me insane.

    March 26, 2013 at 1:49 pm

  15. Daniel

    As a guy, it sometimes feels girls are the ones who seem not as willing to open up. I know I'll eventually find the right girl and all, it just seems girls can be hesitant. I love talking with people. I love talking to close friends of mine that are girls, we know that we don't have feelings other than that of friendship. But girls need to go the rest of the half as well. If I'm going to go out of my way to talk to a girl because I like her then shouldn't she also do the same.

    March 26, 2013 at 1:55 pm

  16. Excellent post!

    May I suggest another lie? (IMO one of the biggest):

    Lie #11: Men and women are incapable of really understanding each other.

    Many of the points in this post allude to that. After all, if I'll never really be able to understand the opposite sex, and how/why they think and feel about things, then why on earth try? Many men I know are guilty of not listening, or even worse, not wanting to listen. I've been guilty of that in the past, but I no longer have any desire to be that way.

    There are stereotypes galore that keep building those mindsets, myths, and misconceptions. As an (older) single guy, it's a bit late for me, but I still struggle with the lie that deep down, women don't really need or want men (the Good Charlotte "Girls don't like boys, girls like cars and money" lyric comes to mind). Yes, it's a lie, but that's an example of what we're fighting.

    That's why I'm so thankful for websites and blogs like this, and for those who are advocating for biblical sexuality and marriage. We've been bombarded for far too long with a whole bunch of crud (putting it nicely) and it's high time we said "enough!", really meant it, and did something about it.

    March 26, 2013 at 2:19 pm

  17. K.Joe

    I have wanted to scream this at the top of my lungs to 99% of the men I have met since starting college. I even transferred schools because the "christian" communities drove me crazy. Was this right or wrong? I don't know. But it is a fact.

    Thank you for writing this, it needed to be said. Now I wish this could be broadcasted to all Christian men, or maybe just men in general.

    March 26, 2013 at 3:44 pm

  18. I too cannot stand the I kissed Dating Goodbye culture. It is unrealistic. Dating advice in Christian circles in general is terrible and does not match reality at all.

    “Mario Kart” will not be going anywhere: exactly, guys and their video games. So lame.

    Girl's often have greater sex drives than some men. But Christian society makes it so taboo that they are forced to suppress their natural drive.

    #9 is somewhat true actually. I've a bit more dating experience than you and can honestly say that a large percentage of Christian girls I've been out with or dated get attached too quickly and want you to commit to the next level before you even really know them.

    #10 is a bit mixed up too. While I agree that submission is out of date and old fashioned, you can't just take part of the passage and say "if the man does his part I'll do mine". It doesn't work that way. I think a better way of understanding this passage is to say that ideally we would love as Christ and perhaps the submission thing is a bit cultural (a lot cultural). But we shouldn't say, if he doesn't do his part I won't do mine.

    Finally, great article. I loved it. I would say women hold some of the blame as much as men. Christian women are not all approachable. Many of the ones who verbally tell you they don't want to play games and just want to be straighforward, end up playing the most games. Many of them do this. Not just a select few here and there. Now we could go into depth as to why they do this, but that is for another time.

    Ultimately, we need to be honest. We need to work hard for relationships to work. Loving God isn't a golden ticket to the perfect relationship. Neither are a few Bible verses.


    March 26, 2013 at 4:39 pm

  19. dancingwiththefather

    Thank you!!! Oh my goodness! Totally agree with everything you said. I know God has somebody out there for me! And I know that he will be AMAZING. But gooood grief the pressure is insane. It's also become "trendy" to get married young in the Christian culture. Yikes. I'm 21 and sooo far from being ready. Enjoy being young folks. It's awesome. Enjoy being friends with your guys! That's the best! Thank you! I'm subscribing to your blogs. Can't wait to hear more from you! <3 the Zenon reference…and Harry Potter. lol

    March 26, 2013 at 5:19 pm

  20. Miriam

    Comment from a Facebook friend who agreed to let me relay his inquiry for the sage readers of The Good Women Project:

    "While I applaud the effort that was put into this, it fails to consider that many men have been rejected time and time again because of their own supposed inadequacies: appearance, confidence, their own unique personality. When the norm is "say no because he's ugly", how can a less-than-attractive man really come forward and go on believing he might stand a chance? It may sound like I'm whining here, but really, I've got years of experience being a less-than-attractive, always-rejected guy. I know how it feels to be in that situation."

    March 26, 2013 at 6:15 pm

  21. John

    Dude here #3 is a real problem. Most christian girls aren't like you. If I interact with someone more than 3 times they are expecting something. Sorry its the truth in the Christian bubble.

    March 26, 2013 at 7:09 pm

  22. Mark

    Courtney – first off this is an amazing article. You hit the nail on the head with all the points. I'm only 21 and have been through an engagement which never worked out and a few relationships before that. I couldn't agree more that men need to step it up a bit and engage in casual conversation/ actually acknowledge a woman's presence. I think its awesome you did your research and wanted to get to the bottom of this.

    I am curious though, after we as men engage in taking a young lady out to have a casual one-on-one interaction or engage in a group setting, why is it that when we engage with other people(females) in groups or one-on-one or don't "hang out with you" for a few days/maybe a week a majority girls get emotional bent out of shape and stop interacting or are standoffish and "avoid" us? or am I just misunderstanding what really goes on in a young lady's head.

    Yes #3 does cover this partially but not the one-on-one situations like "going to lunch", "grabbing coffee"

    I have a desire to engage with women on an intellectual level but feel if i did they would take this as an advance towards a relationship – which I'm not seeking at this point in my life. I want to have a female friend(s) without feeling like a relationship is right around the corner.

    If i decide to pursue a young lady I make it clear i want to date her, make it special for her – for instance, giving her a rose when I pick her up for dinner or taking her out on a planned, romantic date.

    Just curious what a young lady's point of view on this might be.

    March 26, 2013 at 7:12 pm

  23. John

    An interesting read. However I dislike being called cute. I do not think it is a manly for a grown man to be cute and good women would do well to take notice. I also believe that good christian men and women first of all need to learn to submit to God continually and progressively if they are to have any real chance of succeeding in relationships God's own way. And by the way, God's way, not ours, is the best.

    March 26, 2013 at 8:34 pm

  24. I have experienced all of these at one time or another. These lies were some of the things that had me question the difference between Christian culture and really knowing what Jesus expects of us.

    March 26, 2013 at 8:58 pm

  25. samijane613

    Great post. I think a lot of it comes down to the fact that in a lot of Christian circles, men and women don't know how to be friends. You alluded to this a lot in your article, and it's definitely true. Often, the church (definitely mine) spends so much time highlighting differences in men and women that we fail to notice our similarities as people who love Jesus. It makes forming genuine non-romantic relationships really difficult, and, subsequently, leads to a lot of confusion in dating. In learning to become friends, Christian men and women would have an easier time discerning who is actually good for them in a romantic sense and who is just a good person as a brother or sister in Christ. Better understanding leads to better friendships leads to stronger romantic relationships.

    March 26, 2013 at 9:34 pm

  26. That Girl

    A couple of things:

    1) To those taking digs at video games: This may be an overreaction and/or a bad battle to pick, but these comments bother me. If you believe that A) Only guys play video games, B) Video games are always bad and/or C) Guys who are gamers, even if it's not obsessive or unhealthy, could not possibly be worth dating, then you have an alarmingly and disappointingly simplistic view of the world.

    2) "I will most certainly submit to my husband…but this will be after he’s proven to me he tries to love me unconditionally. If not? Well, then have a nice day."

    I don't think you understand submission nor sacrificial love, at least not in a Biblical sense. That kind of love is ALWAYS given unconditionally, because that's what love is. Love is not something you give away because you're getting something in return or someone held up their end of a bargain. That's not love at all!

    March 26, 2013 at 10:15 pm

  27. KJV

    I understand the frustrations in this blog and some of the points made. But, I'm not sure it is entirely helpful. My intent is not at all to be argumentative or divisive, but as someone who has struggled with this subject I feel this post doesn't really address the issue in a beneficial way. I wrote a response here for anyone that is interested.

    March 26, 2013 at 11:04 pm

  28. AJ

    Can I just say the key is communication. If you like a someone tell them, if you don't want anything and just want to be friends tell them. Somene gets let down okay, hopefully after a couple times of hanging out they weren't planning the wedding already. If they were they got bigger lessons they need to learn. A guy should never force a relationship upon an un-wanting female. If he is not mature enough to maintain just a friendship (that is he wants all or nothing) then it probably wouldn't have been a good relationship anyway. They key is to communicate what you are thinking if their is ever a question. When is that? If it hasn't been communicated it is probably a question. Over communicate instead of under communicate. Talk people.

    I'll also add that this article is maybe an ideal of how it should be. Every person is unique in how they "think" and we need to learn how to have healthy male-female relationships without expecting to marry the other person after conversing with them 3 times.

    March 26, 2013 at 11:13 pm

  29. THANK YOU! This is brill.

    March 27, 2013 at 12:11 am

  30. Sara

    I loved this article. Then you said zetus lepidus and I LOOOOOOVVVEEEDDD this article.

    Thank you for writing this. :)

    March 27, 2013 at 1:21 am

  31. Married Miss Sherry

    As a woman married 32 years and a mother of three sons, I'd like to add my two cents. I have observed three things that hinder healthy relationships between males and females in our culture, Christian and not.

    One, observe both academia and media and compare how many women are cast as strong, career women and how many men are cast as strong career men. You will find a great chasm there. I once observed a standardized test given to students in the 8the grade. Of the 9 stories they were to read, a female was the strong character, given to some great cause or career. The one story that had a male as the main character? He was grilling in the back yard. Men are being demasculated on almost every front. I suggest that once you make this observation, you stop reading such books and watching such media for a designated time – enough time for you to start developing your own friendship groups with REAL people. Yes, I do mean go cold turkey. Invite your friends to join you for the challenge, to spend time going for picnics, throwing the frisbee, croquet, playing indoor and outdoor games, meeting for a meal regularly. Read the Bible and HONESTLY discuss it. The Creator is the source of all life, including male/female. You may think I Kissed Dating Goodbye has been unrealistic, but I contend that the media is much more unrealistic. I have never read that book, though.

    Protect and respect your sexuality. The prized jewels are kept behind glass, while the cheap stuff is out there for everyone/anyone to touch. Sexuality IS a jewel for the right relationship. It is a reality with great power. And when you read the love chapter of I Corinthians 13, you'll see that it has nothing to do with sex. In fact, sex can be done lovingly, cruelly, selfishly, and even for profit. Love and self-respect and faith in God is what guards this powerful, but fleshly force, for marriage. Women SHOULD watch how they dress out of consideration for how God made men to be visually stimulated. Highlight your heart, your personality, your giftings, not your curves. Yet, you don't have to hide your curves with a potato sack, either. Still, if you want a man to win your heart, then that is what you should be highlighting for him.

    On both sides, what do YOU have to offer Christ first and His church? Offer it. Work alongside others for His kingdom. It's a great way to see one anothers hearts and personalities and skill sets. Tell an older experienced person you want training to serve. Gather some friends to do it with you, friends of both sexes you want to get to know better. Engage in real life. Volunteer in the nursery or with the elderly or the sick. Don't focus on entertainment, but real needs. Wash cars for the elderly in your church one day a month or provide a date night for those who ARE married by watching their kids together. Trim bushes. Working alongside someone is one of the best ways to get to know someone. If you've only been entertained together, you really don't know each other. Not that there isn't time for that, too. I am here to tell you, you can spend hours talking to/with one another… but you won't know each other until you have WORKED together. Marriage takes WORK, including communication, but communication that helps you ACCOMPLISH something together.

    For what it's worth… that's my two cents.

    My two cents. Hope it wasn't too long.

    TWO, God tells the woman to submit to her own husband, not to anyone else's, and really to only one other man, her father. And He never tells the husband to force his wife to submit. Instead, He tells him to love her. The converse is also true; it is not the wife's job to force her husband to love her. It takes a lifetime of communication, asking one another – Do you feel honored? Do you feel loved? Then, remember that before these marriage instructions, God tells us to submit one to another. That's where those questions come in. And He often tells His people to love one another. There's a give and take, and when it comes to who is going to love or submit first, the answer goes to whoever wishes to follow Him more closely.

    March 27, 2013 at 7:35 am

  32. MMS, not confusing at all–so very well said!

    March 27, 2013 at 7:53 am

  33. Sarah

    All these reasons are why as soon as I got to college I fought against the stigmas and befriended a GREAT group of guy friends. I suffered in the area of female friendships and soon realized I needed those as well, but some of the guys I befriended freshman year continue to be some of my best friends 2 years out of college. And, just to prove you truly can have healthy male/female friendships; I ended up marrying a guy not in that original circle of friends and two of my guy friends from that circle were groomsmen in my wedding! Yes, it did take having frank conversations about expectations, even in friendships. We need to reassure and encourage one another that we can be brothers and sisters in Christ, and nothing more! I even encouraged the guys to date, take girls out, have fun, come to dances with me – and those times continue to be some of my best memories from college.

    March 28, 2013 at 10:04 am

  34. Dave

    Might I rewrite #10 for you?

    As a husband, I will gladly love you unconditionally, but only after you've proven your submission. Also, I get to choose what submission looks like, and I'll only love when I've decided you make me feel you're unconditionally submissive.

    Flipping the script like that sure makes it seem ridiculous, does it not?

    Does the Bible instruct you to submit to your husband only after he's earned it? If it does, what is the threshold he has to hit before you feel your submission should kick in?

    March 28, 2013 at 10:28 am

  35. Atalie Simpson

    I am going to write a reply to you and submit it. The first person I ever dated, held hands with, or kissed, was my husband…at age 23.
    Loved your article!

    March 29, 2013 at 1:01 am

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  37. I don't understand why people have such a problem with #10.

    God asks women to submit to their husbands (he also asks the reverse but that's another story). Is it really that bad for a woman to want a potential partner to be WORTH submitting to before they decide to commit?

    Why submit to someone who hasn't proven himself to be loving, Christ-led and generally worth following?

    It's just common sense.

    March 29, 2013 at 12:49 pm

  38. gabriella

    Courtney, you are amazing. Great writing and insight. Love this and you!! (:

    March 30, 2013 at 4:16 pm

  39. Rochelle

    This is so so true! We have this same problem with the young men and women in our church (some who are in their late 20's and still "waiting" for God to drop someone in their laps.) I am also 22, and I'm very happily married to an awesome man who I started dating when I was 16. But at the time, we were the only young people in our fellowship who had ever had a relationship (why???) . We ended up being intimate with each other before we were married (and I know that was our own fault). But, everything we did was always a secret because we were so ashamed to even admit to anyone that we had physical feelings that were hard to contain. We never (and haven't to this day) told anyone what was going on. If only it wasn't so 'taboo' to have an honest and PUBLIC relationship were we could freely communicate and even show appropriate amounts of affection without feeling ashamed. We could have prayed with people without humiliation, and I am convinced things would be never gotten beyond kissing until after we were married.

    March 30, 2013 at 8:30 pm

  40. yvonne

    amen to this!

    April 1, 2013 at 8:43 am

  41. christymwong

    I know this article is in the dating section & these things are all well and good for dating. However, opposite sex relationships do need to change once you're in a serious relationship or married. I know firsthand how even what might seem like an innocent friendship can end up as something more and can ruin a marriage/relationship. There do need to be boundaries in place.

    April 2, 2013 at 3:17 pm

  42. Cait

    Been there, done that, made the tshirt. And believe me, it doesn’t get any easier the more you vent about it. Give it a few years. Relationships with the opposite gender have to change to be healthy. Agreed, Christians are awkward, but cultivate healthy relationships with women and forget that marriage is a thing. Embrace being a young single woman and serve your single friends. God pairs people up on His time and in His ways and it does no one anywhere any good to complain about being single or married OR to brag about either. Life happens and the best we can do is invest in the relationships we have in healthy was. Don’t worry about guys not hanging out with you and live it up as a single girl while you’ve got it.

    April 2, 2013 at 4:11 pm

  43. Mowgli

    Hi Tom,

    First off, I'm sorry for sounding bitter. That's not my intent! My frustrations merely stemmed from the fact that Christian guys- at least in my circle- were being stand-offish, unfriendly, and confusing. For a while, I did wonder if it was my fault (which I discuss in the first paragraph) and tried to be more friendly, outgoing, etc. Still, nothing changed. After talking to Christian sisters both on my campus and across the country, I came to the conclusion that there was a bigger problem beyond just me.

    That's what inspired me to write this article. Not getting a boyfriend, not getting a date- but to expose the fact that Satan is using these lies to keep the Christian community divided and confused. I used my experience as a primary example, but this article isn't about me. We cannot be victorious if we don't work together. That's what I want to change.

    Thanks for reading and for the feedback!


    April 2, 2013 at 6:08 pm

  44. Scott

    I will start this off by saying that I am 30 year old Christian male who has encountered lots of Christian women in dating and social situations that made me want to give pursuing Christian women altogether and start looking for someone who might eventually want to become a Christian. Thankfully I finally found a Christian woman who was honest and upfront with me about what she desired out of a relationship and is very open and honest in all areas of our relationship. With all of that said, I do agree with you that many times men have the wrong ideas about women, or believe lies. Although, I feel that the same can be said for women in relation to men. I think for every lie that you have the men believe; I believe that women also believe many of the same things about men. I wont respond to each of your lies but there are a few that warrant a response. I will just respond in referring to which # lie it is a response to.
    Lie #1- If casual dates is how you get to know someone, when a male asks you on one and you accept the invitation show up to the date. If he has set aside time get to know you, you should at the very least return the favor. If a girl expresses interest in wanting to hang out and the guy reciprocates that desire respond to him. Flakiness = unattractiveness.
    Lie #2 – I will be the first to admit that in high school and college at times I was uncaring and also at times to shy for my own good which caused me not to pursue women the way they deserved. At the same time in the last 8 years or so of my life I have felt like I have grown and matured and have pursued women and have been loving and caring towards them. At one point about 8 months back if one more girl told me that I was "a great Christian guy and that I treated them so well….and if I was to date anyone it would be a guy like you..but I dont want to date you." If you want a man to pursue you, reciprocate! Don't leave the man hanging. Don't lead him on in a dating relationship for months having him hang around while you figure out if he fits into your plans. For the most part a mature man can handle you telling him you do not want to pursue further relationship alot better than he can handle, "I just need a little more time to decide".
    Lie #9 – This is one that probably most women get wrong. You say that Christian men dont pursue women because they are scared of them wanting marriage. Actually I would submit that Christian men often will pursue women that Christian women see as unfit for those men simply because those women will be honest with them. I don't think that I am strange when I say that my single Christian male friends are not the least bit scared of the prospect of marriage, they are scared of Christian women who will not be upfront and honest with them about their intentions. If you want to casually date, let them know that. If you are looking for a longer term relationship, let them know! Men (and I would suspect women as well) are terrible mind readers.
    Anyhow, I will get off my soap box now.

    April 2, 2013 at 6:34 pm

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  46. First of all, I'd like to commend you for this article. While I believe we have some differing opinions on a few of the rather generalised specifics you've noted here, I completely agree with the overall thesis, that there is a distinct ineptitude in the way predominant Christian culture has taught men to interact with women.

    As a man who has suffered from many of these ineptitudes, and then had to become self-aware in the way my relationship with a girl I was interested in (now dating with much expected joy and challenge), I can personally attest to the fact that there needs to be a lot more transparency and discourse with young men and women in their formative years in the way relationships (both platonic and romantic) are meant to manifest themselves when we're truly pursuing Christ. I was born and raised in the Caribbean where, the culture of interpersonal relationships is a little different, so I've actually never had a problem being "just friends" with a girl. For me, "let's get lunch" has always meant "let's get lunch", because I was brought up to believe that men and women can enjoy each other's company without underlying sexual tension. Of course, though, this meant that whenever I truly was interested in a girl, there was always a gap in communication which left me hanging on what to do next, and her unaware of my feelings. When I first started spending time with my girlfriend, we were just friends and I had no issue. Things only became problematic when she (born and raised in Canada) and I started developing feelings for each other, and were both unsure of how the other felt, because the assumption was that "he/she is probably just this friendly with everyone".

    I completely agree that many women of varying degrees of assertion still want to be pursued, and I personally enjoy pursuing my girlfriend in a Christ-like manner. I love her very much and hope we continue to bring each other closer to Christ in our relationship, up to and into marriage. That said, I also think there's still a little wiggle room in the way these interactions seem to take place. Having lived with a few wonderful Christian girls and discussed the issue extensively, I understand that a lot of girls suffer from self-confidence issues stemming from a lack of initiative on the part of guys, but I would also suggest we examine the symptom further to find the root cause. While the lack of initiative on guys' part may be the catalyst, is that not indicative behaviour of a lack of understanding of girls' self-worth in Christ? The validation of a guy will never suffice in place of the peace that comes with accepting that you're created in God's image and heiresses to His Kingdom. Furthermore, and not to dismiss the responsibility of godly men, I think many girls could stand to be a little more understanding of the insecurities Christian guys face too. While subversive, unspoken rejection is a valid fear of yours, just imagine being mortified by the threat of outright rejection constantly looming over your head simply because "the ball is [perpetually] in [our] court".

    Finally, my final qualm comes with the authorship of this article. While very apt in many places, written with much appreciated candor and character, and I trust from the best of intentions, I would point out that the author contends with many of the generalisations she dislikes from 'I Kissed Dating Goodbye' with some of her own ("Gentlemen, it's what girls want to do. Hang out! […] When we say "let's get lunch," that's all we really mean"). I can, without hesitation, list at least five girls I know for whom that statement could be no further from the truth. The reality is, as much as we may dislike it, that there DO exist these Christian girls who size up every guy they meet, trying to "discern" whether or not he's their future husband. Some of them even idolise marriage. Now, far be it from me to cast judgement on these girls, their churches, or whether or not they've been "brainwashed", but it's a very real occurrence… but, as the author would like establish, not an exclusive one. As such, I would have liked to have seen a little less backlash and a little more discourse on what BOTH parties are lacking in terms of truly loving each other the way Christ calls us to, whether platonically or romantically.

    The struggle is real, and one that never stops, but it becomes a little bit easier when both men and women are engaging each other in discussion regarding the difficulties each face.

    April 3, 2013 at 9:53 am

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  48. FrustratedChristian

    I do not think the stereotype you submit as the "average Christian woman" is accurate or even adequate. Your accusations of Christian men are predicated on the notion that you have an understanding of, and can speak for the entire female gender. I don't think it's possible or fair of you to do that; blanket statements are often unhelpful and rarely true.

    While I do understand that this piece is predicated on personal experience, I found myself frustrated as a Christian man reading through your 10 thesis. They neither describe nor indite my actions within the church, yet a piece like this turns a blind eye to the equal opportunity for the blame you so willing pay forward.

    April 4, 2013 at 4:15 pm

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  50. Payge

    It sounds like this was written a little out of anger, just being honest. And it shouldn't be you'll do something that makes your spouse happy IF he proves his love first. It goes both ways and you should love & respect even if your spouse fails. Everyone will make mistakes and we all deserve grace. I know my husband has given me more grace than I deserve, and I try and give him the grace he needs too.

    April 5, 2013 at 1:27 am

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  52. Crista

    Refering to lie #1, I am not sure if the author of this artical has read I Kissed Dating Goodbye but I disagree that it guys to be "scared of having mature, one-on-one conversations with other women." Joshua Harris spends practically an entire chapter talking about how christian girls and guys can be brothers and sisters to each other without having to worry about getting romantically interested.

    April 5, 2013 at 8:44 pm

  53. RJ

    Firstly, from a guy's perspective, this article should be titled "10 Rants of a Single, Struggling, Christian Woman"

    And secondly…I wonder if the christian women this article talks about, realize they're probably the female version of the christian males they're bashing?

    A few examples of how this could be you:
    1. Still telling all your christian guy friends you're still waiting for "Great Christian Guys" to come along? (Cool. Guess we're wasting our time trying to hang out long enough to get to know you, in order to ask you out on a date. Good luck with your perfect dreamy christian soulmate. Did I mention we no longer have any interest in you and have decided that we're looking for someone better than you too?)

    2. Mario Kart isn't going anywhere? Neither is the Bachelor, or Teen Mom, or your "Friends" dvd collection. We all have ways to waste time. Yours are just as pointless as ours. Not every hobby or de-stresser needs to be productive. Try supporting your friend's likes, rather than alienating him.

    3. Your need for attention doesn't require men to give it to you. Develop a personality and some self-worth. Be someone that is "worth" our time. (get it? because "worth" is common struggle for many women? and you're literally ASKING to get your worth from us guys? Despite it being purely a personal problem that needs to be overcome?)

    4. You want love. Men want respect. Men want to love you. Women….don't always want to respect you. (The attitude of not showing that respect until you feel love, is selfish. I know she further explained this point, but in general, it's flawed to expect something of someone if you aren't even pulling your own weight)

    5. Stop dating non-christian jerks over the Christian nice-guy. Or even better, stop dating the fake-christian guy. If every guy can see through him, why can't you? (Maybe ask for references from his christian friends next time?) And really… if your "good christian guy friends" are such good, solid, christian guys, why aren't you looking there for a date?

    6. Don't refer to a guy's house/room as their "man-cave" or "bachelor-pad" when your house/room looks like you decorated it freshmen year of college. No, plastic lamps, storage cubes, bed risers, and postcard/photo collages on your corkboard, don't make you look classy or mature. It makes you look like you're 18. So either redecorate, or accept that the next step after college is just as difficult for men to make, as it is for women.

    7. Being flirty = leading guys on. There's a difference between friendly and flirty. And if you're doing it wrong, we quickly and easily think you're interested in us. It's simple. Don't flirt if you don't want a guy…(and do flirt if you do). We're friends remember? We don't know if you'd like us to be more than that.

    That should do it for now…but this could probably go on forever, since christian men are equally as frustrated with christian women's lack of effort in life. It's pretty clear that being open and talking about these sort of things isn't really going to fix them, as there's been hundreds of frustrated Christian relationship articles on the interwebz. Communication is certainly a good thing, but realizing that we aren't living up to our own potential, or even to what we expect out of the opposite sex, is a more important issue that needs to be fixed. If you expect your future christian man to have a clean home, strong body, great job, be perfectly polite and devout with his devotions, AND STILL BE SINGLE, then you better be right there on par with him in every aspect.

    April 5, 2013 at 9:35 pm

  54. Chris

    I got so excited when I saw the title of this article. Yes! Someone was writing on the ridiculous way that Christians seem to handle the opposite sex! I couldn't wait to read it and see that I wasn't alone in my frustrations. Instead, I got an article that 1) sounded selfish ("I will most certainly submit to my husband – I’ll make him sandwiches everyday for the rest of his life if it’ll make him happy – but this will be after he’s proven to me he tries to love me unconditionally. If not? Well, then have a nice day. I won’t be marrying you and we won’t have any issues." Jesus didn't handle US this way, and He definitely didn't tell us to handle each other this way.), 2) was completely one-sided, and 3) seemed to call men out for a lot of crap (some of which I will say I agree with and been frustrated by myself) while completely ignoring the crap girls in the church do. Neither side is perfect, and writing a blog post that seems to assume that the problem is men instead of broken humans in a broken world isn't going to help anyone. This topic needs to take both sides into consideration. Writing from just one will only exacerbate things where they don't need to be exacerbated.

    April 8, 2013 at 4:10 pm

  55. Grace

    It saddens me to see that so many young "Christian" women are so desperate for a man's attention rather than being desperate for God. I think women hunger for the excited feelings that they get when a man shows an interest in them. It is kind of like a drug. Oh that we would long for Christ to fill that empty spot!
    Also, if God has a godly man for a Christian young woman to marry, he will show up in her life at the right time. She doesn't have to worry about looking for him! Her goal as a believer should be to please her Master whether it is as a single woman for the rest of her life or as a married one.
    I am 38 years old, and have learned these things the hard way!

    April 19, 2013 at 1:22 pm

  56. MBR

    I've read this article a couple of times. I like it, yes, but I don't really know how to respond. I've tried in the past to go on casual dates, but no dice; I've gotten only one yes, and she told me after two dates that she wasn't looking for something (we're still friends, though). It's taught me to fear asking anybody out. What else can I do if whenever I ask an acquaintance out to coffee I get the "I'll get back to you" that never pans out? I feel like a prerequisite to any relationship is to be best friends before I make my feelings known. Oh wait, I've tried that too. Maybe my picker's broke, or maybe I'm just in a place where there isn't another lonely soul like me. Either way, I'm lost and confused, and I've just about given up on romance forever.

    May 5, 2013 at 11:57 pm

  57. philipjacobsjr

    I'm not sure how to react to this article. Of course I agree with most of it especially because I've had a lot of friendships throughout the years of my life with the opposite sex; I've always had a lot of friends that are female. These girls trust me and talk to me about everything, and I mean everything (I feel like I'm part of sex in the city sometime)! My issue is that when I do become interested in a girl more than a friend (because I tend to take my time and not rush into things) that's all they want me to be, is their "friend." In many cases I'm their BEST guy friend! They tell me how comfortable and safe they feel around me, how genuine I am but I can't seem to escape the "friend zone" with woman. Yet these girls will pass me up and continue to date mediocre, lame sometimes douchey guys!! It drives me crazy.

    Anyway it's a great blog and I'm glad I came across it. Maybe I just needed to vent because I'm currently caught in this situation with a girl that I have shown total unconditionaly love towards. She even admits that she's never been loved by anyone like me before, and that I am her best friend (i even meet all the ridiculous things she has on her 'LIST') but she feels like I'm not "the one" that God has planned for her life and that she hasn't "fallen" in love with me.
    I know I'm an amazing guy with so much to offer, but It's left me very frustrated and don't care to ever pursue someone again.

    PS. what's with the smiley face at the bottom of the page?? I'm guessing you have hidden tags located in the pink box :-P

    May 30, 2013 at 1:17 pm

  58. Jordan

    #9 — I've seen so many guys do this!

    June 2, 2013 at 12:04 pm

  59. Emily E

    Thank you. This is wise and witty and wonderful. I want to stand in a public place and read this aloud so passers-by will get a chance to hear these words.

    June 4, 2013 at 12:17 pm

  60. Brenda

    I agree with this post to a certain extent. I can see and understand why you (and many of us girls) are so frustrated with the current interaction between men and women. It is frustrating, and it can also be very confusing. However, I do believe that as women of God we do need to have certain boundaries, and ultimately guard our heart continuously. This does not mean hide under a rock, hide from men, ignore men, be awkward around men, or completely put a wall up. It simply means to be careful. I love that you are very open about your opinion and not afraid to express it, but I do believe that one of the main things the church is missing in regards to this topic specifically is WISDOM. If girls were wiser, they would avoid so many heart-aches. I wouldn't entirely put down the "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" generation, because there are some good truths and principles in the book. Maybe the church has been extreme and made it seem like we should be emotion-less with the opposite sex, until you meet your husband. It is good to be friends with the opposite sex, the problem is, many CHRISTIAN "good" girls don't know how to do that! They become friends with a guy, emotions get involved, and them BAM! "He's the one…" When maybe God had somebody else. What I'm saying is, I do agree we need to just be free from all of this awkward interaction that is keeping us from building godly friendships with the opposite sex, but I think that we girls still need to put boundaries, guard our hearts, and walk with an extreme amount of wisdom. Because the devil is sneaky, and we need to remember our value as women. Our value is not dependent on what guy asks us our doesn't ask us out. Our value is entirely dependent on what Jesus Christ did for us on the cross. If you're looking to feel valuable through another means, then that's the first thing you need to change. I don't think it's so much that we need to focus on how to interact with men or women, I think we just need to learn our true value as men and women of God, stop setting unrealistic expectations you can't even meet yourself, be real with yourself and with God about the future mate you want, PRAY, PRAY, PRAY, and let the Spirit of God lead everything you do, everything you say, and everywhere you go. This will bring change & revival.

    August 5, 2013 at 11:26 pm

  61. Mickey

    Who’s kidding who here? Women today are hard wired to dislike, distrust, and disrespect men. And these same women carry an attitude that no man is ever good enough to approach them, let alone pursue a relationship.

    August 21, 2013 at 5:26 pm

  62. Mom

    As the mother of two 20-somethings, I do not push them into marriage. I want them to finish their educations and follow the passion that God has giving them. But I am working uphill against youth pastors who told them that marriage was next to godliness.

    And that's a shame because it's not what the Bible said. Jesus said to seek him first. Paul said singleness allows us to serve God better. Marriage just isn't that important in biblical teaching. I pray that God will bring my adult kids some very good and inspiring friends. Marriage is nice but not as important as serving God with 100% passion.

    You'll only have one spouse (probably) but you'll have dozens of friends who will have a great influence on your life.

    September 17, 2013 at 9:02 am

  63. Mom

    As a mom of a college-age son, I say to young women:

    Get the highest education you can. Pick a career you love. Statistics show that highly educated couples have a higher marriage rate and a lower divorce rate. If you marry and have children, they will go to school after a few years, so make sure you have a job you really like because the majority of wives work (53% in 2010 — and 53% in 1990 too) and you will want to have exciting things to do and think about for the next 30 years after your kids are gone.

    My son isn't attracted to women who have no passion in life. If all you are doing is "waiting," then get a life. Go cure cancer or help change the world. Moaning about men isn't making you attractive…to the men or to their moms.

    September 17, 2013 at 9:28 am

  64. Eli91

    Hilarious but true fact. love no 9

    October 6, 2013 at 5:02 am


    The world and 'thinking'/'believing' that you people are living in, is a 'self-created' one! You don't change 'men' – to be as you prefer. You have to change/alter 'you'! The faults you see in men, are merely a reflection of yourself – that is the energy you are broadcasting to the universe/reality and so that is reflected back. The joy and freedom in this fact, is that you 'can' alter your experience (Of men, or anything) by choosing to view/define yourself, in a way which allows the 'other' (Men, whatever) to reflect your new focus and expressed energy. If you continue to blame your reflection in the mirror, for not smiling, guess what?

    October 16, 2013 at 4:05 pm

  66. Brad K.

    I have come to view dating in the context of family and community.

    I see marriage as a fundamental upgrade in identity, for each party (I think a family is one or more adults, raising children, without counting genders). I see that what we teach children is the crucial part. Adults gather into a family with a culture that each represents. The values and observances and beliefs of the home and family each was raised in are combined (a process called 'adjusting') into a home. It is teaching their children the home culture that transmits the values of one generation to the next, that assures stability of government, economy, faith, and a foundation for facing life and flourishing, at the family, community, and national levels.

    The comment about Christian dating takes in one aspect that might be missing in other contexts. Well, several things, but one that stands out for me. Knowledge of the character of the people in their community. Not because their membership in a church, or professed faith, should affect your choice. No, the big thing is . . history. Family history. How stable was their home, where did their family come from, what sorts of baggage will they bring to your home? And that history, that explanation and long term observation of stability by a community, that is a great predictor of future stability.

    As I mentioned, I see marriage as transforming two (or more?) people's identities within the community and nation, from individuals, to members of a new family. Families are fundamental building blocks of communities and nations. Communities open different responsibilities, opportunities and obligations to families and family members than they do to singles, for the most part. Marriage is a community event, not just a relationship between people, it both opens doors and closes off possibilities.

    So the search is not for an attractive bed partner with hopes to become something more. The search is for a co-parent and mate prospect to help define the best family identity in your community that you can, someone to raise children to flourish in the community and in the future nurture their families and communities. Look at the disillusion of Lily Allen's "22" video on YouTube; hoping to find an honest and honorable mate prospect where alcohol is served is picking the wrong road for a good destination.

    October 27, 2013 at 8:26 pm

  67. Eunice

    I disagree about women pursuing. To some degree feminists dislike womanhood- a beautiful gift from God ( do not be deceived. Every good and perfect gift comes from the Father of lights…) Why do we have to strife to compete with men in any arena? Is not the woman of Proverbs 31 setting a very high standard most feminists can never reach? Why don't we embrace our gender, its strengths and weakness and ask our Creator how best He wants us to function rather than developing our own dead and lifeless ideas? ( No brash offense intended) If it takes two to be successful in a journey, then it is my part as a woman to pray and prepare myself as a good wife from the vast examples and resources the Bible offers. The woman is the helper. It is in fact an honour not to strife to try and find 'the man'. In fact, majority of frustration is cut when the woman only sits back and allows the man who so desires to lay his life for her to propose. It is quite improper for the woman to pursue. What if the man is not interested? What if you have it wrong? It is better to pursue woman perfection in prayer and seeking God, asking Jesus to make you the ideal wife rather than be busy chasing that man. The woman , is the queen and should have her desire for her husband ( Gen, 3:16). I certainly disagree with majority of number 5. Big time. And I feel as though the Scriptures quoted ought to be thoroughly explained and not tossed to just make your point. In addition, I feel some of the verses are very out of context. I do not think you can prepare yourself to be a good wife by socialising- the best way to be a great wife is to be eEXTREMLY prayerful and ask God who is who, and study the Scriptures. In that way, God can even speak to you from a distance who that man is. ( Also the temptation to go a step further with any guy in the course of just being friends, is high, especially where boundaries and the relationship type is not define….and risky. Casual relationships are fine,) It is a requirement to be able to communicate. But is seems as though you are going out there for the sole purpose of mingling enough to find someone. It does not always have to be that way. It is more exciting to trust God after hearing Him speak to you whom that man is ( ofcourse, using His Word, you can checklist the godly man and the voice you are hearing). It is more exciting to start a journey with someone a little fresh and not ''used''. You really should not date unless you hear God speak to you about that man- it is a waste of another woman's husband's time and a part of yourself, emotionally especially, is given away. We must keep ourselves pure in every retrospect. It may seem old fashioned but let us stick to what the Bible says. If we are not careful, our pride can make our consciences numb to advice. We must prepare ourselves in much prayer- praying for that man, the future family, against problems, etc. Please watch this: and and

    October 28, 2013 at 5:50 pm

  68. Christian lady

    Why are men so heavily targeted in this article? Women make up false notions and outright lies about men, but of course, this isn't mentioned. Also, why is the idea that "men are scared/intimidated by women" repeated so many times throughout these points?

    Anyway, there are several things about this article that I feel need pointing out:
    The photo – What is that picture supposed to represent/say? The woman has her hands out, suggesting she is expecting something (money? gifts?), and the men are doing something equivalent to a facepalm. Okayyy…

    Under "Lie" #1 – It isn't a secret that women display more passive-aggressive behaviour than men. It's not bizarre that women don't always say what they mean at times, and play mind-games or, that they can have ulterior motives. So I don't blame men for not knowing when a woman actually states what she actually means.


    November 8, 2013 at 8:07 am

  69. Christian lady

    "Lie" #2 – After the author pats herself on the back for things she didn't work towards (unlike the men and women who made it possible for women to be able to vote, for example), she makes the audacious claim that these rights scare men. Highly immature (and obviously false). Then she claims that men should be the ones taking the initiative in the relationship – okay, no argument there. But if women these days are so "assertive", then why expect the men to take the first step (and probably do most of the work in the relationship)?


    November 8, 2013 at 8:08 am

  70. Christian lady

    "Lie" #3 – The author makes a negative anti-male stereotype (I could feel it coming sooner or later): "I don’t get why guys think it’s okay to be rude and standoffish during social occasions." Are you kidding me? It isn't the man's job to entertain you. Maybe he's just not that into you, and maybe you're just not that interesting/special. Maybe he's tired, introverted, etc. and just doesn't feel like making small chit-chat to every woman he sees? And, here's a new thought, maybe you could be "assertive" and talk to him (politely) yourself? You know, because friends have equality in their relationship, and according to the author, men and women are "friends" – "so act like it".


    November 8, 2013 at 8:08 am

  71. Christian lady

    "Lie" #4 – You, a self-proclaimed "assertive" woman, who works, can vote and even be President, "might even" split the check? Hahahahahahaha. So much for equality.

    "Lie" #5 – The only real problem I have with this part is the assumption that someone can't love God if they don't get out and socialize, as implied in this quote, "Because He reminded me with that I cannot love Him well in a vacuum.". Also, introversion is not a made-up concept (as implied).

    "Lie" #6 – Do these women make any effort to talk to these men or befriend them (at first)? I highly doubt that these "awesome women" are "otherwise confident" if they seriously considered turning skanky to get a guy's head to turn. Really sad that failure of an idea is even that wide-spread.

    November 8, 2013 at 8:09 am

  72. oakleaf

    "Lie" #7 – Okay, we all have emotions. Doesn't make it okay to slut/sleep around though. For men and women, we should try to keep lustful thoughts to a minimum.

    "Lie" #8 – Okay, fair enough. Porn is a problem, a problem that creates false illusions of what "great sex" is and unrealistic expectations. But don't pretend that only men watch porn.

    "Lie" #9 – Same can be said for the Christian, "good" gals that date "bad boys". There's the (false) saying, "Nice guys finish last"…

    "Lie" #10 – Alright, fair enough, I don't see any problem with this part. Husbands and wives are supposed to respect each other, and each other's wishes, mutually, with the husband being the leader of the couple. Okay, cool.


    November 8, 2013 at 8:10 am

  73. Christian lady

    (Yes, that was my comment above.)

    The part under "lie" #10 – Telling men it's their fault and putting ALL blame on men that there's "relational confusion" is just avoiding responsibility. I mean, c'mon. Do you really believe that this messed up society is ALL one entire genders' fault, and that the other gender (women) couldn't possibly have contributed?
    Then the author puts in even more anti-male shaming stereotypes at the end – that men should "stop being scared or indecisive or lazy". The blame-shifting continues, "Ignoring us, putting off figuring out your issues (<–what is that even supposed to mean??), acting as though we’ll go away and re-appear…". Also, your women-are-superior bias shows when you call women "awesome", and never once mention men in a positive light. As if to suggest, that "being awesome" is a gender-related thing (implying men aren't, therefore, implying that men are inferior).


    November 8, 2013 at 8:12 am

  74. Christian lady

    (Oh, also, about "Lie" #4 I think it was – yes, some women really DO value marriage and the family-and-household kind of life. It's not that hard to believe. I really don't appreciate the implication that women who don't put career as top priority are somehow robots, or are missing out on life, etc. There is enough stigma against women who are not career women. Why is that negative, demeaning attitude towards them here on a site with a Christian female audience?)

    To shame and blame all men, and act as though women have never done anything wrong (esp. in relationships), is just going to add to the already-existing tension, pressure and discomfort that is unfortunately a part of today's society between men and women. Open, honest and polite communication is key to relationship (and societal) success.

    I think the real goal of this article was to shame and belittle men, and blame them for everything that is wrong with today's dating/marriage relationships. Dare I suggest, that the author seems like a man-hating feminist in disguise…

    November 8, 2013 at 8:16 am

  75. Christian lady

    Where did my main comments go??? I saw they were posted up, and now they appear to be taken down…

    November 8, 2013 at 9:57 am

  76. Christian lady

    Wow each comment I put up here is gone…what a wonderful site….

    November 8, 2013 at 10:00 am

  77. realworldmegan

    I absolutely love this post! I especially agree with Lie #5. The hardest part about being raised to date in the Christian community is this constant lie we're told that a "good Christian girl" does not spend unnecessary time with boys, but then somehow learns how to be a "good Christian wife" despite going through life without any male-to-female interaction! We're discouraged from being so much as friends with the opposite sex and then criticized for not being married off by the time we're 21. It drives me crazy! Thank you for speaking up about these issues and confirming the delusions present in the Christian community.

    November 20, 2013 at 5:38 pm

  78. Well Done Courtney … and if I may, I would just like to add some "old single lady" wisdom to the mix…. I'm 41, never been married, been abstinent for over 15 years and in ministry for almost 10 years….And no, I'm not bitter or angry … LOL

    As someone who has been there… and then watched all of her friends get married…and now those friends have teenagers… besides being totally surreal, I have noticed some things over the years that have given me compassion for these young men who aren't stepping up.

    1. Where are their Mentors? … Back in my parents and grandparents day, Older men always took younger men under their wings… Whether it was their Father, a Teacher, a Pastor or someone else… hearing truth and garnering wisdom from previous generations went a VERY long way in teaching young men how to be cordial to and see value in EVERYONE.

    2. Women are like Automatic transmissions when it comes to our thought process… rev us up and their we go… God created men more like manual transmissions… they really do have to shift gears. Whether men or boys … they have one track minds…and NO, its not always on sex..but their focus and thought process are very different. And YES, they really can think of Nothing! Sometimes as women we are ten miles ahead and our brothers have barely shifted into 1st gear …

    3. If I could give any advice to young men and women… focus on your walk with the LORD first and foremost… think about the type of person and the character you would like to have in a future mate and then make sure to develop those characteristics in yourself first… and treat everyone as a brother or sister FIRST… we will be spending eternity as a FAMILY after all. But to be Family, we MUST Interact to connect and with connection brings satisfaction…which then bring confidence in relationships… even simple friendships.

    Just my two Shekels…

    Blessings to each of you!

    November 26, 2013 at 2:17 pm

  79. Michaela

    I've experienced so many of these! ESPECIALLY #3. And #10. But why is this mostly targeted at guys' errors, rather than pointing out the mistakes of both genders? There's a flip-side to each of these, and I think your readers would have been better served had this been more objective. The title may as well have been "10 Lies You Believe About Interacting with Women", that's how guy-oriented it seems. And isn't this mainly a blog FOR women? #5 was the only one that's geared toward how we women can change our behavior so it doesn't reflect the lies we believe.
    Still a good post and true points; I'd love to see the 10 that we ladies believe about men.

    November 27, 2013 at 3:26 pm

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  81. Lyev Mahrk11111

    Being attracted to the same sex in countries like USA,UK Canada is really easily as i have heard.There are still people there who don't like people like us but it not as bad as that of Russia cos here we are beaten jailed and sometimes even killed.You can't hold the hand of the one you care about in the public so as to avoid been harassed we can even set a place to me cos if we are caught we face jail time.Here in Russia we gay are prisoner in our own country.I am currently in a relation with my fiance and we had to leave Russia to be together.Before now his parent were against our relationship cos they had no idea he was gay we sneaked around knowing the risks if we were to be caught.When he finally got heart to tell him family the rejected him and asked he stops seeing me or they were going to turn him in and that scared him a lot his father is a very powerful man in Russia and he made it possible for him not to be able to live the country i mean as long as you have money in Russia anything goes.I was lucky they never got to meet me cos if they did i would have not been here right now writing this article that you are all reading.Probably i would have been in jail.Months passed and there was no way we could see each other cos they had him watched to make sure he is never get to meet me and also to know the person the was he was practicing this profane act with as they called it.They stripped him of all his right to the family assets and made him an outcast i could see he was suffering form the text he was sending me they made his life miserable and made him end our relationship.I knew he was confused and did know what to do to get his life back to make his family see him the way they use to.And i knew that his family were never going to accept his life style cos they are so anti gay.If they were to be a fund riser to fight gay practice in Russia his family will be the first to ask that they host it.I love him so much but he was scared of him family and they also had a grip on him.I know most person don't believe in what about to say but still if it wasn't for Mutton Osun a spell caster that i found on the internet i would not have been writing this.It happened maybe by a slim chance or fate that i was a blog were it happened that i read three distinct comment about how he help them with similar problem.I contacted him with an email address that was in the comment.I asked Mutton Osun to cast a spell to make my then boyfriend to make up his mind to run away from Russia with me to be together and also his family as in his father to make it possible for him to leave Russia with me and set a very comfortable life for us were we were going.And i know doing spells with someone you can't even see is outrageous but i promise you he makes you feel more at else when he calls and he really goes through with his promise cos he did with mine he was really helpful to him and kind.And like other people said he doesn't even charge you for what he is doing for you.I had to provide some list of materials that he asked that i get for my spell casting.I preferred that i sent the money down to him cos they were not easy to find and even when i found them it was so expensive but he could get them cheaply.He instructed me on how to make the spell work with great effect.It took 7 seven day and night to see it result.On the seventh night my boyfriend call me to tell me we could finally be together cos his father did agreed to do all i asked mutton osun to make him do i just knew at once it was Mutton Osun spell cos it what i asked for and now me and fiance are the happiest right now we can hold hand now without fear of being harassed or sent to jail for we are in love and we are very comfortable here.His father made sure everything was set before we even got here just like i asked it should be.Am going to also leave Mutton Osun email here just like others have done for contact purpose godsofosunx @ rocketmail. com

    August 5, 2014 at 4:41 am

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  85. Rose

    Navigating these waters can be very frustrating,,,, Your article highlights a lot of your thoughts and opinions and many share your same feelings. I do however believe its so important to look at Gods word. Its almost as though Gods word is becoming irrelevant and that is really Satan's #1 LIE and strategy he uses.
    Grace is so needed in the area of building a friendship with the opposite sex. Praying for God's will and not just our own.
    Just a thought….. If Jesus had the same standard of love that you have… Your future husband having to prove that he loves you like Jesus before you will submit to him. You will never understand or experience Jesus unconditional love and what he did on the cross for each one of us. The scripture says: You see at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly…But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (9Rom 5:6,8). He did not take us when we were perfect, he perfected us through his unconditional love for us. In being married 22 years, this is something I have learned and continually need to grow in myself. I am a very strong and ambitious woman and am learning what it means to be submissive to God and his words no matter how I feel about it. This is never easy like I said I am a work in progress. God does state what our roles are and what he sets up in relationships. We in the body of Christ need to treat each other as brothers and sisters in Christ. Can there be friendships with one another, yes there should be but not as the world has taught us. I have experienced this myself and still live out the consequences of my sin. There should be boundaries in building relationships and also others you trust, who are spiritual encouraging you and praying for you and giving you wise counsel through God's word. Don't give way to your frustrations… I'm glad you are voicing what you really think and feel along with that be open to looking at God's word because that goes above all of us and Christ is supreme and he teaches us many valuable lessons in his word. ** Submission isn't cultural its for all of us men and women. Submit to one another out of reverance for Christ… but going a step further in a household God calls us to submit to our husband it does not take anything away from your self worth or value. I have come to appreciate this because my husband is much more suited than I in navigating the pressures of living this life on Earth with a steady and focused eye on Christ. With all my wonderful emotions I can become over burdened although I would never have admitted it in the past. I feel at peace and feel so protected being able to relinquish this to Him. I with my gifts can support him as we raise our children to love Christ. Which has been a challenging journey in itself. Keep your eye fixed on Christ and believe God has your best interest in mind even though it might not feel like it sometimes… With love, Rose

    April 13, 2015 at 2:41 pm

  86. Sue

    Thank you for listing almost all the reasons that I have come to the difficult, but so far liberating decision, to kiss Christian dating goodbye. I wondered if there were other Christian women who felt/noticed the same things as me. While I'm quite confident that 99% of my church, and perhaps even of all Christendom, will judge me on this decision and my consequent sexual awakening and self-confidence (re)building, it's somewhat reassuring to know that at least it won't be a completely unempathetic judgement. God bless (and help) us all.

    April 26, 2015 at 11:58 am

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  90. pherojoe

    I liked this article, but I do feel like it is a little bit pretentious because it sounds like you think all men are are the same… well guess what? We're not! I think after a certain amount of time, us guys can feel a little more mature about how we interact with our women – it's not always just a physical thing for us all either. And the older I get, the more I crave a deep, truly loving and spiritual connection. I think I may have found one too… I have never experienced emotions like I feel for this woman with any other. I can feel her and know her thoughts – it's not just about sex!

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    I don't mean to be rude to you nor the many sisters who agree with you in the comments. However, I have to say plainly that this article sounds like a desperate attempt to persuade men to notice you and engage in interaction with you… any type of interaction will do. If a guy is really into you, he'll initiate some interaction with you regardless of the common Christian beliefs that are circulating about love and romance. It sounds as if you're blaming your dismal love life on the lies Christians believe about dating. That's not your problem. If a man isn't pursuing you it's because he's not that into you. Plain and simple. That doesn't mean you aren't worthy. But perhaps you aren't showcasing your value in the best possible light. If you'd ask Holy Spirit to help you in this area, rather than ranting about all the men who don't seem to have a clue, you'd have success in your love life. Get personal with your Creator and ask Him to show you how kingdom courtship should take place organically. He will help you renew your thinking in this area of life and you'll see radical transformation as promised in Rom 12:2. I know from experience. I went from feeling frustrated the same way you articulate in this article, to going on 10 years married with a great man of God. I've learned so much in that time about "dating" and marriage. I wish I could share it all with younger women feeling the frustration you're experiencing.

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