Dating Mistakes: Christian Man = Future Husband
Editor’s Note: Today’s post is by Ashley Wolf. She blogs at Little Somethings, and confesses something that a lot of us girls are guilty of: jumping to conclusions. I understand that good men are hard to find, which makes us cling to the hope of a relationship with them even more, but Ashley shares the mistakes she’s made in these exact same scenarios. – Lauren
I’m not a seasoned dater. I’m not one of those girls who gets out of a relationship and jumps into the next. In fact, I don’t even leisurely saunter to the next – I remain single for what seems like for-ev-er. I like to call this “chronically single”. That’s not really relevant, I guess – but all that to say, even in the limited “dating” I have done, I’ve made a whole lot of mistakes. Including the mistake of dating men who weren’t Christian, thinking my influence would change them.
This mistake realization may have led to yet another, less-obvious mistake that reads like a geometry proof:
IF: I like a guy, am attracted to him, and he is Christian (a Bible-believing, church-going, small group-leading Christian),
THEN: He is perfect for me and we are meant to be.
“Perfect Christian man” mistake number one happened in college. He was an officer of our college Christian organization, he was attractive, funny, smart, and *gasp* seemingly interested in me. We went to a few dinners and shows together, hung out with our Christian friends, watched movies and cuddled. He even took me to the top of our football stadium (which is not allowed, p.s. – what is it about breaking the rules that makes good men even more attractive?) to watch the sunset while we ate ice cream.
Pretty promising, huh? I certainly thought so. This was in the time span of about a month. So why, when we were having the DTR (define the relationship) talk a few months later, was I so heartbroken to not be walking away with a boyfriend (slash fiancé, slash perfect Christian husband)?
Probably because I had let my imagination – my hopes, dreams, expectations – run away with me. I had planned out our wedding, future mission trips, and babies.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, GOD, THAT THIS GREAT CHRISTIAN GUY ISN’T THE MAN I’M SUPPOSED TO MARRY? It hurt. It hurt bad.
Flash forward to a more recent occurrence of yet the same issue. Several “date-like” events with another young gentleman of excellent caliber and I was hooked. He knew his Bible. He led our Bible studies. He was mega-intelligent, witty, and made me laugh. Hard. A Christian I was attracted to, smart, funny, and I had good chemistry with? Somebody must have me on “prank’d”, ’cause this kind of thing just doesn’t happen. And because of its rarity and the amazing “Christian-ness” of said gentleman, I fell into the same trap.
How perfect! How stellar! No wonder it hasn’t worked out with others in the past! It couldn’t get better than this dude! Mistake. Mistake. Mistake.
This one didn’t “end” the same as the last. Instead of a nice, tidy conversation to tie things up, this man just stopped talking to me. He stopped initiating conversations and actually moved without letting me know (I know, this makes me sound like a crazy stalker… I swear I wasn’t. And yes, I’m aware that all crazy stalkers say that). Insert heartbreak here. I felt completely expendable and unimportant. Weren’t Christians supposed to treat each other better?
And there’s the lie. The lie that Christians are perfect. The lie that Christians will handle every situation perfectly. ESPECIALLY a great Christian male.
Certainly they don’t ever let anyone down.
Lie. Lie. Lie.
The ridiculousness of this lie is that I am a Christian. I know that I make mistakes. MANY mistakes. On a daily basis. Wait, make that hourly. I don’t handle many situations well. I let people down. I hurt people. I don’t intend to, but let’s face it, I’m human. We all are. Even Christian men.
Don’t put any man on a pedestal, whether he is reading his Bible eight hours a day, a youth minister, or a missionary in Africa.
The only one worthy of a pedestal? Jesus Christ.
The only perfect man? Jesus Christ.
The only one who will never let us down? Jesus Christ..
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"Don’t put any man on a pedestal, whether he is reading his Bible 8 hours a day, a youth minister, or a missionary in Africa. The only one worthy of a pedestal? Jesus Christ. The only perfect man? Jesus Christ. The only one who will never let us down? Jesus Christ." PREACH!! He will never break our hearts and all human relationships must be secondary to this one. Thanks for your candid honesty. I have definitely made the same mistakes and it has caused a lot of pain. Through that, I learned the importance of guarding my heart and also seeking godly discernment and counsel in the dating process. I have also learned to not get my heart too involved before he shares his feelings and the DTR from his end is very clear. I still have lots of learning, but this has helped. Bless you!
October 26, 2011 at 10:15 am
Ohhh wow, I needed this one! I have a terrible of habit of instantly analysing any relatively attractive Christian guy I meet to figure out if I've just met my future husband. That reaaaaaally needs to stop. It's not helping. At all.
October 26, 2011 at 1:52 pm
Whew, if this doesn't sound like my life, I don't know what does. *sigh* I've never been in a relationship before, so it's harder to not just ogle some guy because he's attractive…and a Christian…and likes the same types of things I do…and makes me laugh…etc., etc., etc. I am learning to guard my heart and not let my imagination carry me away. But boy, is that hard or what?
October 26, 2011 at 5:13 pm
This is me!! Except with the amazing christian guys not being interested even remotely, but me planning our lives together instantly anyway! Ahh not good. Great article! Anyone have any more practical pointers about how to get out of that mindset?
October 26, 2011 at 5:15 pm
Been there, done that. :) Only with me, I would meet a guy, he would be attractive, funny, Christian, etc, and I would be thinking: "Could this be my future husband? Better be nice." Doubly so if he seemed interested in me. But though I could intellectually name all of these wonderful qualities, internally I would always be thinking, "okay, he meets all the requirements, but is this REALLY the one I want?? Is this ALL there is?"
Being a good person and being a Christian man should be the basics of requirements when it comes to dating a guy, but we shouldn't stop there if we want to find a mate.
October 26, 2011 at 6:25 pm
Amen, amen, amen! I relate to this on so many levels. Ah, the heartache I have caused myself just through my own imagination running wild! Thank you for sharing this, darling! It was beautiful, poignant and just what I needed! :)
October 26, 2011 at 6:31 pm
I lovveee this. Definitely resonates. This is a real struggle and it's good to know I'm not alone!
October 26, 2011 at 6:35 pm
I had to laugh at this because it's so me! Thanks so much :)
October 26, 2011 at 9:39 pm
Ashley, thanks for sharing! It's so true – there's a huge weight put on single Christian girl + single Christian guy = happily ever after. I had my first boyfriend when I was 24 and had aspired for many years to be a housewife. Naturally, EVERYONE thought I'd marry that guy (because it was time, you know). When things started unraveling just a few short weeks after we dated, I was sure something was wrong with me. My dad even urged me to give it more time because it was my first relationship. The relationship failed, and even though I broke up with him, it was a devastating blow. We've got to figure out how to relieve some of this pressure.
October 26, 2011 at 10:04 pm
Kim – I think you have pointed out another lie that is hard not to believe: if you are not dating someone/married at this stage of life, something is wrong with you. Even if we are confident in who we are, our current status and situation, and trusting in God's timing, it can still be difficult to deal with the pressure of society and even the church. When so many others are concerned about your relationship status, it can be hard to not fall into that same trap.
October 27, 2011 at 12:14 pm
This is so sad but true…
As a guy, it is really stressful to have all these expectations immediately placed on you. I am not afraid of commitment, but I don't want pressure to make a decision about the rest of my life after only a brief period. I knew this wonderful Christian girl who was interested in me, and I told her repeatedly that I just wanted to be friends in order to get to know her for a while before we went any further. She would not take this as an answer and kept pressuring me. It was so sad because, even though I really liked her, she expected too much right away, and it spoiled the whole situation.
October 27, 2011 at 5:39 pm
Girl, I really needed to read this! I am trying to find balance between healthy fantasizing and letting my emotions run off and plan my whole life with some guy I just met. I have been single a looong time and have fallen into the same trap of "grasping on" to the next attractive Christian guy and asked that exact same question, " Is he my future husband?" because I am afraid I'm going to be alone and I think "he has to show up sooner than later." Currently, I am valuing my singleness, but my emotions aren't always on board. Also, I love "the only one worthy of a pedestal . . . Jesus Christ. As another person said: PREACH!
October 27, 2011 at 11:57 pm
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Oh Lawd! I was laughing through this the whole time because I saw myself getting caught up in the same nonsense. I am patiently waiting for my husband and I swear as soon as I take notice of the Christian man Im like, this is it Lord. Right? Umm no. Obviously Im not being patient and it is not my time yet. Thanks for the reality check!
January 13, 2012 at 1:17 pm
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this is so fantastic. thank you thank you!
May 2, 2012 at 3:50 pm
Glad to know I'm not the only one who does this!
May 2, 2012 at 11:08 pm
This was a very well written and honest article that helped me see some of the mistakes I’ve been making as well. It’s harder still being a divorced single mother and Christian. It seems as soon as a Christian man finds out I’m divorced and a single mom, they turn tail and run as fast as they can the other way. Maybe if they knew why they wouldn’t run. I had one tell me (who was Christian and denounced his faith and then reinstated during this time) after a 3yr relationship that one of the things he didn’t respect about me was that I was too forgiving. What?! Needless to say I have been waiting for my man like all of you for years. My daughter is 10 and even though we make mistakes often we strive to be christ like. Why do these men run so fast before they have a chance to get to know us? I know you are all beautiful women because you are professing your love to Jesus first. I pray that you all are united with your spiritual matches soon and that you lead blessed lives together. And yes PREACH! :D
June 27, 2012 at 12:53 am
I invited someone whom I thought was the perfect Christian guy into my home as a dinner guest and he raped me. I couldn't have got it more wrong, and I was an acquaintance of his for 12 years. I thought he was the "right one", but he did not value me at all and had a kudos for young, blonde Eastern European women with blue eyes that I later found out. I am none of those things, I am a British woman with dark hair in my forties. the police threw my case out a few weeks ago. Of course he got away with it like the way so many of them do in my country, claiming insufficient evidence to prosecute.
July 6, 2012 at 5:19 pm
Dear Mercy and Someone..
a very big hug to you both. I am so glad our Jesus is a gentle man and He would not treat us the way you have described. I was talking with a friend earlier today about a man who wants to be with us should come to us and know where he stands with God before approaching a lady. Be sorted. For me being older I will have to know the person and see them with others..interacting…I guess now I am also thinking that it is definitely the best idea to have a third person with me if I went on a date or at least it be in a public place. I am so sorry you had this experience but please do not let it take away from maybe one day meeting someone. Sounds to me you both, like me, need to work on you and God and trusting Him. I have started to understand how precious I am and although Christian men are not perfect I do expect them to know before God why they are dating me..or at least know quickly..I do not feel women should be messed around…we are the weaker sex ( in the right sense) and are to be loved and respected xx thank you for such an honest post initially and thank you Mercy and someone for your honesty
every blessing is with you
xxx
February 21, 2013 at 7:12 pm
for many of us very serious good men out there looking for a good woman to meet is very hard since many women today do think they are all that, and are playing very hard too get. very pathetic that women have become these days.
August 19, 2013 at 10:31 am
I think most Western women are angry bitter women who have been feminized. Men are finally waking up and avoiding marriage, as too many women today bring them down.
October 24, 2013 at 5:45 am
Sooo true! This isn't true = PERFECT! They all fail! Strong and mature men admit that! Reminds me of http://www.ocfilmco.com's What Men Really Want movie. It's a story based on men not knowing what they really want and honestly expressing their downside no matter how seemingly perfect they are. We girls have to stop thinking that they are angels! They are just as imperfect as we are! :)
October 25, 2013 at 9:13 am
Oh my this is so true. I needed to hear this. God bless you always.
November 4, 2013 at 5:08 am
Thanks I needed this, I'm happy to have read this so early on, I'm 16 and it'll be great help :D
January 6, 2014 at 5:07 am
Looks like I am not the one who has a habit like that. Thanks for the great read in here! :)
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January 29, 2014 at 12:32 am
Hey guys great article. And if your looking for a good website to date and chat with other Christians check this out. Online Fellowships
June 5, 2014 at 4:42 am
Very interesting write-up. Cheers from Czy Feromony Działaja
September 15, 2014 at 11:20 pm
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From a strong Cristian guys perspective I have to say I really liked your article. I hope my future wife is sitting somewhere hoping and praying about meeting me someday as well. Guys think about these things too. Maybe try to look outside the box a bit possibly, guys with a heart for the Lord are in all corners of society. Try volunteering, or even talking to that quiet mysterious guy not in your circle. I just moved back to the states and wish miss right would stop and say hi. Your future guy may seem a bit too good originally, or not quite good enough, but listening to God is the key. A humble strong Christian guy is out there, imperfect, but still dreaming a dream similar to yours. Pre engagement counseling and tons of relationship maintenance (books, articles, etc) to get you past the end of the honeymoon era once you do find them. I pray for my future wife out there somewhere, and I also pray for all of you as well.
February 24, 2016 at 12:45 am
In my experience, Christians are excellent people, but you have got to be careful and be around them for a very long time before things gets seriously over the top sometimes. I have had times where women would suddenly become far more religious out of the blue, and start talking about God, quoting scripture, and being totally out of character. Not all, but it tends to happen often when dating very religious people!
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January 21, 2017 at 11:59 pm
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