13 Years Old And Addicted To Pornography
Editor’s Note: Today’s submission is anonymous. She is 19 years old now, and free from pornography. It is still incredible to me how many facets of your personality and identity pornography infects and changes. But God is always so faithful to redeem. If you would like to share your story, please see our Contribute page for more information.
I was struggling with understanding my sexual orientation and began to question my sexuality. Those lies made me want to prove that somehow, some way, I was straight.
At this point in my life, when I was around 16, everything sort of went out of control for me. I had my secret addiction “tamed”. I would only watch porn when I couldn’t take it anymore. My excuse was “well, my hormones are out of control I’m about to start my period… at least I’m not having sex; I’m sure God is okay with this.”
Truth: God was not okay with that.
I stopped going to church. I started saying ‘yes’ to parties and started having real life encounters with real guys. I stopped having a standard, or demanding respect from guys. Steamy make out sessions in the grass at a fair. Snap shots of my body to guys who didn’t give a rip about my heart. Drunken “we did everything but sex” hook-ups. Watching porn made me crave the real life pleasure. I was sick of “doing it myself”, so I didn’t say no when a guy tried to put his hand down my pants. I didn’t even think twice by helping him get my panties off so he could perform oral sex on me. I was farther away from God than I had ever been in my whole life.
My high school years were a playground for Satan. Because of my addiction to pornography, I let guys disrespect me, I had an unhealthy relationship pattern, and most of all, I struggled with more than enough self-hate. I went from a 13-year-old girl, who didn’t really understand what I was watching, to an 18-year-old who was trapped in a life of darkness.
There is an upside to this story. God used a tragedy in my life to bring me back to him. I had removed everything from my life that brought me away from Jesus, and loved how my life had changed, except for one thing: Pornography.
I struggled with bondage a good six months into my renewed salvation and relationship with Jesus. And then one day at church we had a sermon on freedom. For the close of the service, Pastor told us to write down something that held us in bondage, and to set it at the altar, to leave it at the cross. So that’s what I did.
Truth: God redeems. I am redeemed. My Savior loves and cherishes me. God set me free from pornography. He’s teaching me who He created me to be, and how to be that person. I am free to love my Savior and be in a deep love relationship with Him.
Truth: I have a destiny. I have a purpose. An addiction to pornography may be my past, but it does not define who I am anymore. 2 Corinthians 5:17 “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!”
Truth: God does have someone special planned for me. Whoever he is, will overflow with the love of Christ, and reflect his integrity. I am good enough for my future husband. Until then, I will wait, for him. I will seek the Lord and be drenched in Proverbs 31.
Truth: I am a 19-year-old young woman set free from a pornography addiction. Madly in love with the One who set me free and made me clean..
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Thank you for sharing!! We have very similar stories and it took me years to even be able to admit that I had an addiction. I could say I "struggled with lust" but the word "masturbate" made me feel too dirty and I didn't even share with anyone that it was a problem until I got to college (secret kept for at least 8 years) So here is my question: As young women who have struggled with this and have seen God's redemptive work in our lives, how do we help our younger sister's in Christ see the truth BEFORE they get addicted, and when we are mothers, how do we do the same for our kids?
November 8, 2011 at 7:26 am
Amen!! Christ has set me free as well from something similar! Thank you for being brave enough to share your story! God bless you!
November 8, 2011 at 11:47 am
wowie…. amazing… so heart felt and intense… God is amazing. So good!!
November 8, 2011 at 3:26 pm
Thank you so much for sharing your story! I'm thrilled for you that you've given your life to Christ and that you're now free from your addiction.
November 8, 2011 at 4:43 pm
Holy hell. I didn't realise how serious this was. I use to laugh at the fact that women could get addicted to this stuff like men do. And then as I met more and more women, I realised how much of a reality it is that they're (you are) just as prone if not even more prone to it as I've found in many cases, than we men are.
What it looks like is going on is an equal amount of men and women are becoming addicted to this filth as more and more people view this sort of disgusting behaviour favourably due to broken family dynamics and often, but by no means always, what likely follows consequentially as a result of the broken family dynamics: teaching broken sexual dynamics, which I believe form or at the very least play a substantial role in forming family dynamics (or messing with them) and thus perpetuate the cycle.
This country is now unrecognisable and will in the coming years become officially so from what it once was in predominantly white, protestant United States of the 60s; it's now a multiracial, sex addicted soon-to-be third world hellhole where the law doesn't apply because it may be offensive to minorities.
November 8, 2011 at 5:47 pm
Wow, this sounds so much like me. The sentence ‘I am good enough for my future husband.’ made me cry. You won’t believe how much of a blessing you’ve been. God bless you!!
November 8, 2011 at 9:07 pm
You have no idea how much it warms my heart to read, "You won't believe how much of a blessing you've been." I prayed that people would be blessed by my story. As scary as it was to share, I'm more than glad that I did! Thank You for all your positive feedback. But most of all, praise the Lord for breaking the chains of addictions!!!
xoxo
:)
November 8, 2011 at 10:11 pm
do you have any advice for women struggling with these issues? I seem to go through lapses, like with any addiction.
November 8, 2011 at 10:50 pm
Whoa… you basically just described my story, except instead of going off with guys in real life… I just dug myself into a deeper & darker state of depression… always feeling worthless & not good / clean enough to ever be someones wife.
THANK YOU for sharing this… God is good & He is faithful to heal & forget our past…
Check out this quote…
"She confronted her fears and doubts by telling herself repeatedly that she still had reason for hope, that her past did not have to define her future."
November 9, 2011 at 12:07 am
It was like I was reading a confession that I would write in the future. I really hope I can be as strong as you one day and surpass this addiction. Don't ever regret writing this, it honestly really helped :)
November 12, 2011 at 2:42 pm
Your story is so beautiful! God wants His entire creation to be redeemed and restored…and He's not stopping until He gets what he wants!!
"I am good enough for my future husband." <—-please don't ever let yourself stop believing this! A man will cherish you and love you with every bit of his being someday. He will love who you are, who Christ has made you…NOT who you have been!
Blessings, sweet girl!
November 13, 2011 at 1:27 pm
I loved the truths that you put in here. They have really spoken to me and encouraged me to start truly moving past my addiction with the help of my Savior instead of continuing the lies that I have become accustomed to living with. Thank you!!
November 15, 2011 at 10:20 pm
wow. amazing post!!! now I know I am not alone. thank you!
March 2, 2012 at 4:01 pm
Thank you so much for this. You are beautiful. I am 18 and have a similar story. You have made me feel less alone.
October 15, 2013 at 8:50 am