I Tried To Be A Porn Star

Editor’s Note: Today’s story was written by Jen. Porn is wholly destructive because it teaches us performance instead of intimacy. Sex is meant to be “with” someone, not “for” someone. Our sex-saturated culture has thoroughly convinced women that we are to serve a man in bed, and has set a distorted standard of masculinity for men that they cannot attain – keeping both of us from participating in real, true connection and satisfaction. – Lauren

I remember being six years old and wandering around the video rental store as my dad browsed in the adults-only section. He would try to hide the video he chose, but I could always catch a glimpse.

Or the time when I was seven and hunting for hidden Christmas presents. Instead of gifts, the box under my parents’ bed held stacks of dirty magazines – magazines that made Playboy and Hustler look very tame.

I remember when my family got the internet for the first time, and how my dad wasn’t very smart with clearing the history. He never did learn how to do that.

So there I was, 10 years old, with more sexual images in my head than should have been there. I was curious, and intrigued. I knew this stuff was off-limits, but I wanted to explore. The images seemed so wrong, but maybe I just felt that way because I was a kid? Maybe they were just part of being an adult?

I am, by nature, a reader and a learner. If my interest is piqued on a topic, I don’t stop researching until I become a mini-expert. I’m also an only child, with extremely distant parents. I can sadly say that in many ways, I raised myself, and sex was no exception.

After I discovered the stuff my dad was looking at online, I started to explore the internet more and more, and I was amazed at the vast amount of information that was so easily accessible. I was alone and unsupervised during most of my free time, and I began to teach myself about sex. Using the internet. Without wise parental guidance. What a fantastic combination, huh?

By 12, I had spent countless hours reading erotica, browsing through sex Q&A forums, and basically learning everything I could about it. I mostly stayed away from the images, because the writing thrilled me more. I developed a very warped perception of sexuality, thinking that it was exactly what every guy was looking for, and to not offer it ASAP would be a bad idea. Sex seemed like the pinnacle of a relationship, so why would you not skip right to it? In the things I read, emotions always seemed to naturally come out of sex, so if I tried that, I’d feel emotionally fulfilled, right?

At 13, a much-older boy started giving me attention, told me he loved me, and I gave myself to him right away. What struck me afterwards was the lack of emotion I felt. What was I doing wrong? Why did I not feel anything? Why wasn’t this like the stories I had read? The answer I came up with – “fake it ’til you make it”. Maybe if I pretended that it was an incredible, life-altering experience… maybe if I pretended to want it all the time… maybe the feelings and fulfillment would come.

They never came.

My second partner had a very active porn habit, and although it bothered me that he was using other sources besides me to meet his needs, I pretended to be fine with it. After all, I needed to be the girl that was down for anything. So, I started looking at stuff he told me to look at, and got a clearer picture in my mind for how sex was supposed to look. My goal became to act like the porn stars – maybe I would feel good if I could really make the guy feel good, and porn stars seemed to be able to make that happen.

Fast forward a few years, and I found Jesus and decided that I wanted life to be different. I realized then that God had a purpose for sex, and that it was meant to be experienced within the boundaries of a lifetime commitment (marriage). But that’s really where the change stopped.

I got married. I still tried to act like a porn star. I kept the same mentality about sex that I had before. And I still felt nothing.

I’ve been married for four years and my husband and I were able to have emotionally-connected, God-honoring sex for the first time just a couple of months ago. God has finally broken through my wall of misconceptions about sex. And it feels great.

I chose to write about this under the topic of pornography because I feel that my misconceptions were strongly based on what I saw and read in porn, mixed with my interactions with other people who were addicted to porn. It really damaged my heart and mind, and I am extremely happy to say that I am finally working past the damage, and I am figuring out how to replace the misconceptions with God’s truth. I am being set free.

Good women, please protect your young kids (present and future!) from coming in contact with porn. If you do struggle with it, or your partner struggles with it, please be extra cautious that your kids don’t see it. Young minds are not prepared to deal with it..

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