I’ve Never Watched Porn But I’m Addicted To It
Editor’s Note: Today’s post punched me in the stomach. It was written by Bethany Turley. She blogs at Bethany T Writes and you can follow her on Twitter at @bethanyttweets. She asks a hard question, and one that we all need to answer: Are you addicted to porn and don’t even know it? – Lauren
It’s a slippery slope.
Isn’t that such a trite expression? But I wish someone had been there to tell me that on the day I first clicked that link.
I’ve never watched “porn”. I’ve never seen a video of two individuals having sex.
But I’m addicted.
Webster’s dictionary defines pornography as “a depiction of erotic behavior intended to cause sexual excitement.”
Guilty as charged. 
Sitting at the computer clicking through to that joke category might have looked innocuous, but my thirteen-year-old heart knew it was wrong.
And yet I returned. Day after day I came back to this website that was intended to evoke a crude laugh. Instead it opened a door inside of me, to a part of me that was mysterious and exciting.
Then one day, my mom almost found me out. So I stopped.
But it wasn’t over. It was there, waiting for me, beckoning to me. An article on dating or women’s health. A movie preview I didn’t see coming. A chapter in a book I had to read for class.
I justified it to myself. I told myself that it was stuff I would need to know someday, so why not know it now? I wasn’t hurting anyone. I wasn’t feeding into some multi-billion exploitative industry.
You know what breaks my heart the most? That I say this in past tense. Because it’s still true after seven years. It’s a trap I’m still fighting right now.
But you know what I love? That I can say this in past tense. Because God has not created me to be trapped by lust.
I have a sex drive, and that’s okay. I still don’t know exactly what to do with it as a single person. It’s not really the type of thing that naturally yearns to wait.
But regardless of what my hormones are screaming, I’m realizing that pornography is tearing my heart away from God and my community.
Pornography builds a wall between you and the people who love you. It becomes a secret you don’t want to share. It becomes your comfort when you’re tired or lonely. It becomes the thing you depend on instead of God.
The Bible says to flee sexual immorality. Instead I have adopted a “dabble in but try not to get trapped” mentality. But if you’re not fleeing, you will get trapped.
It doesn’t even have to be explicit. If you are using something to feed into your sex drive and achieve sexual excitement, that’s porn. And it will destroy you.
I wish there had been someone honest enough to share that with me along the road. Someone who wasn’t afraid to broach the topic; who trusted God’s redemptive power enough to let me be broken.
It’s a hard thing to talk about. We’ve stigmatized pornography to the point that confessing it is social suicide. I’m terrified to share my struggles.
But in Christ I have victory, and I want to share that with the world. I have a story of redemption, and I can speak in boldness and faith, leaning on the God who created me to be so much more than I can imagine. The God who created me to be more than a lonely thirteen-year-old at a computer.
Join me in sharing God’s victory in our lives. Be set free from the prisons you have built, and spread the news of the One who freed you. The world needs it.
Maybe you know a thirteen-year-old girl who is one click away from a life-long battle.
Maybe your story could show her she isn’t too broken to be healed..
Want to join us & pass this along to other women in your life?
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This is exactly where I stand today. I've never seen anything that most people would classify as "pornography" but I definitely am addicted to "depictions of erotic behavior intended to cause sexual excitement.” A movie I didn't know would have that scene it, a book I didn't realize would have those words cross the page, a joke on TV show that doesn't normally do that kind of thing. I find that it jumps into my life now without my having to look for it. Those little things make a struggle like this so much harder to fight, because it comes when you're not expecting it. I've never been in a community where I could share this kind of addiction openly. Most people I know wouldn't understand an addiction to pornography that isn't 'really' pornography. Then I'm also scared of how that will change people's perception of me. That's the biggest fear I have. But I find that it's hard to stand against this alone, because how do you ask for help with a problem most people wouldn't call a problem. It's such a hard space to be in, and one that I would guess far more Christian girls fall into than anyone would guess.
Thank you for writing this post! It's nice to know I'm not alone. :)
November 11, 2011 at 2:21 pm
This is exactly me who you described. All month long I've identified somewhat with these posts about pornography; but not until your post, when it hit home EXACTLY. I too have never watched two people have sex; but I have read books I shouldn't have, or read magazine articles, or read jokes that should not have been read. Thank you so much for sharing your struggles. It gives me hope that I can overcome this battle, for Christ did that so long ago on that cross. We ARE free.
I loved when you wrote, "The Bible says to flee sexual immorality. Instead I have adopted a “dabble in but try not to get trapped” mentality. But if you’re not fleeing, you will get trapped." This is me – thank you so much for the reminder to FLEE. To flee to the Arms of the only One who can truly protect us.
November 11, 2011 at 10:30 pm
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I am guilty. But confession brings freedom. I have been thinking about this lately and I don't see it as a coincidence that you shared this now. Thank you
November 13, 2011 at 11:09 am
This is me. This is so me. And I'm so glad you wrote it.
The porn discussion for women is always about the made-up "emotional porn," and ignores all of the actual written porn that's out there. And because we ignore it, it's so easy to excuse. After all, the big crime is *watching* porn, not reading about sex. I started out reading about it because no one ever gave me "the talk" and I was curious. I wanted to know how it worked. And then, being the researching-loving type that I am, I wanted to know how it felt, what the terminology was, and every different way people do it. I was intrigued.
It started out as simply inquisitive, but it became an addiction. And I, too, still fight it, ten years after it began. Now I envy my friends who don't know. I envy people who are shocked at sexuality. I'm working to get that back, but I wish that all those years ago, someone had told me emphatically that text and visual porn are both sins. I wish all those books for girls would have addressed the issue instead of falling back on emotional porn. My sin is my own fault, but I wish someone had acknowledged that my sin was possible in a woman.
Thanks.
November 14, 2011 at 9:42 am
I think all of these comments raise excellent points. My question is this though: where is the line between being knowledge about one's sexuality (reproductive organs, what sex is, its purpose, how our body responds to it) and pornography?
Maybe it's different for each person, but I am not sure I feel like knowing about sexuality is inherently sinful. We wouldn't expect a medical student to skip out on all of the sex lectures because it might make him stumble. I believe that having some knowledge about sex before engaging in it is essential, such as what our bodies actually do and how they react. I can't imagine how terrifying wedding nights were "back in the days" when a woman didn't know that her hymen would tear, that she would bleed a little, that it would cause some pain, not knowing what an erection is, what ejaculation is. Would you agree that some knowledge is helpful? And to the sexually active ladies out there, did you feel like you had too much or not enough knowledge about sex the first time you engaged in it? Did you wish you had known more or less?
I want to point out that I realize the difference between seeking information because it arouses you and seeking information because you are curious as to how sex functions. But how much should we know about sex without compromising our purity? Love some thoughts on this.
November 14, 2011 at 3:07 pm
I'm not sure I'm comfortable with the use of the definition as described above – "But it wasn’t over. It was there, waiting for me, beckoning to me. An article on dating or women’s health. A movie preview I didn’t see coming. A chapter in a book I had to read for class." Pornography by definition is determined by the purpose of it's creator. By using anything that sexually stimulates, one would have to include the Bible (specifically Song of Solomon, but other passages as well.) Perhaps, its my line of thinking, but I have a hard time classifying God's word as porn.
Secondly, the unintentional movie preview or a book you had to read are not your decisions, you were ignorant or unintentional in viewing them
I have a feeling this viewpoint (as most of our viewpoints) is deeply influenced by Victorian thinking about sexuality (Good women have sex only for procreation and don't enjoy it.). So I'm not saying your conscience is wrong, I'm saying your conscience may not be from God.
November 21, 2011 at 3:36 pm
Thank you, thank you, thank you. I've never spoken up about my addiction because I didn't claim it as an addiction, but God is revealing things to me that have never been opened up and something I've felt completely alone about since high school. I felt I had a guys problem, and since I thought everyone would judge me i hid it and tried to take it on my own. This never worked, I'm still dealing with the same thing now, it's not as bad but I haven't had freedom from it. I never thought I would find people online though that shared my same struggles. Sure what I've been addicted to wasn't claimed as "pornography" but I lived deep in shame of what I was looking at and doing. It adds a lot of confusion in life. I hope that this will only open the doors to more help for girls that struggle with this. Thank you again, and it's a blessing to know that an online community is available for us that have felt completely alone through this.
December 20, 2011 at 9:40 pm
This article is something I relate to strongly. I'm a single Christian male in his twenties. As a male I think this takes a different form. Most of the images I'm attracted to are non-explicit, but they are sensual, and I definitely using them as porn. I've struggled with this for years, with varying degrees of victory. And sometimes, sadly, I don't struggle at all. I would say for the examples the author lists, a movie preview, a chapter in a book, if you happen across them and have them affect you, I would hesitate to call that porn. But if you seek them out, or return to them repeatedly, they are porn. Once again, I think my perspective is limited, as a man. But that's how I see things, at the moment.
January 9, 2013 at 8:30 am
I think it's sad that there are so many articles on here that are shaming women for watching porn and masturbating or feeling any sexual desire at all really. Making the blanket statement that porn puts a wall up between you and the ones you love is just false. I watch porn with my partner and I watch porn on my own and that is okay. Saying that being in touch with one's own sexuality is a bad thing and detracts from your relationships with others is just… wrong. Speak for yourself when you say porn had a negative impact on your life, because that's not the case with everyone and shaming people who had a different experience with it than you is rather unkind and close-minded. I'm sure that this comment will be deleted, despite the calm and open-minded manner in which it was intended, but I hope that someone will read this and realize that watching porn DOES NOT make you a bad person and you have nothing to be ashamed of. Your relationship with your sexuality is your own, and no one has the right to make you feel bad for that.
February 16, 2013 at 12:03 am
thanks for the good article. Permission listen only
August 24, 2014 at 1:30 am