My Husband’s Addiction To Pornography
Editor’s Note: Today’s submission is anonymous. We covet your comments here, but ask that you remain respectful, compassionate, and gracious. If you would like to be put in touch with the woman who wrote today’s post, please email me at goodwomenproject[at]gmail.com. – Lauren
The day I said “I do” I thought life would be easy sailing. Especially in relation to my husband’s pornography addiction. Man, was I in for a rude awakening. It’s been a hard road.
My husband and I dated five years before we got married. We knew everything about each other. No secrets. I knew about his porn secret. He had confessed back then. He confessed he had been watching porn since he was young. I had caught him several times. Being an ex addict myself – to food and alcohol – I knew that for him to overcome it would take one thing alone: God.
Even knowing this, I made the situation worse. Instead of trying to encourage and support him while we were dating, I blamed myself. Even though I knew he’d been watching porn before he met me, I still chose to believe it was my fault. And the usual thoughts still ran through my mind: “I’m not pretty enough. Not fun enough. Not sexy enough.”
He was looking for excitement and I was just the normal girl next door; sweet and charming with a cute face and addictive personality. But sex appeal, big boobs, size 0, leggy, the stuff of men’s fantasies? I was not.
I was furious. Angry. Depressed. Insecure. Lonely. Rejected.
I became obsessed with my appearance. I never felt okay in my own skin. I tried to change: worked out more, ate less, dressed more provocatively, talked trashier…anything I thought would make him want me.
I blamed him, resented him, and secretly hated him for what he was doing to ME. It truly damaged my heart. My relationship with Jesus suffered. We almost broke up three to four times. Maybe you think I should have dumped him – but I had been an addict and God had healed me. I knew that God would heal him. But I thought it would be sooner than later.
I’m now a little over one year married to this man. A few months ago my husband confessed that he had continued to look at porn since we first got married. We were in our car leaving church. It was a normal Sunday – but my heart went spiraling out of control. Again.
Devastated. Wounded all over again. Distraught to say the least. Rejected. Alone.
Before we got married, we talked about the porn issue in premarital counseling. I thought we were on the right track. I was naive to think that marriage in itself would heal the broken places in his heart that kept leading him back to pornography. I thought that I would have been enough being his wife.
This time, the feelings of inadequacy hit harder. Was marrying me not enough to make him stop? I went into a couple months of depression and serious anger towards him and God. I wondered if I should have left him while were dating. But when you take a marital vow – you are no longer entitled to “what ifs”.
I had tried everything, but I could not make him change. I had tried changing myself into a trashier version of me to appeal to his sexual desires, but he still looked at those images. I tried crying and yelling and “Don’t you see how you are hurting me!” and “Am I not enough for you?” but those didn’t change him either. Yes, he felt bad – but guilt and shame doesn’t change hearts.
So I finally turned it over to Jesus.
God told me to change myself. But this time, Jesus would be changing me into a version more like himself.
I know that the best way for me to build my husband’s spiritual life is to live out my own. That’s where I am today. Allowing God to change me.
I am learning to respect my husband. I am focusing my thoughts on the positive things he does instead of the negative. Through the power of the Holy Spirit I am choosing to serve this man. To lay down my life for him. I am releasing him of his debt. To influence him in a Godly way, I must submit, be his helpmate, and forgive.
God is changing my heart daily. God is filling my ache. God has shown me that pornography is just like any other sin, and I am not to blame. God is teaching me to view my husband as my brother in Christ who desperately needs my respect regardless of how his actions have hurt me.
If I were to continue to hold this over his head and beat him down – what good would it do?
I gain nothing in seeing my husband as an enemy in this.
Has this journey been hard? Yes.
Has it been incredibly lonely? Yes.
Is it getting better each day? YES.
Is it because of me? No.
Is it because of Jesus? YES!
I encourage you wives to forgive and let God heal YOU so you can influence your husband for good.
Remember these verses:
“We who are strong ought to bear with the failings of the weak and not to please ourselves. Each of us should please his neighbor for his good, to build him up.” Romans 15:1-2
“Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence in your lives.” 1 Peter 3:1-2
Here are practical ways of helping him in this situation:
1. Forgive him with God’s help
2. Daily pray for your husband
3. Do not withhold sex
4. Serve him by studying him and finding out what it is that YOUR husband needs
5. Have an honest and real conversation with your husband explaining how his use of pornography has hurt you (with RESPECT)
6. Set a boundary by saying that you will no longer tolerate this in your marriage and he must choose you over “them”. Stand up for yourself and your marriage. A good man will respect you for that.
7. Encourage your husband to seek counseling (Christian male counselor who deals with pornography addictions)
8. Set up internet blocking systems with him
9. Encourage your husband to find Godly men to hold him accountable instead of it having to be you
10. Ask God to change you and to heal your own brokenness
I write this today still in this battle. My husband is not healed yet. He is currently seeking out a counselor, has set up barriers in our home, and is developing friendships with other men for accountability. He has a long way to go, but I see God moving and working in him. It might not be the pace I would want, but that’s where God is teaching me to trust Him. I just have to focus on doing my part.
Daily forgiving, daily serving, daily respecting, daily moving toward him, and daily finding my worth in my Savior.
Yes, my husband’s addiction to pornography has brought me closer to Jesus..
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It definitely sounds like you are in the center of God's will on this. I'm thankful that your husband is seeking help and not shutting you and God out or becoming abusive.
I went through a very similar process in my own marriage. But he only got increasingly abusive, and I blamed myself for that for a while. The marriage ended in divorce after much counseling and a year of separation and counseling. But we will not grow in Christ if we do not seek to become more like Him in our surrender to letting Him change us and trusting Him with our spouses. No matter what the spouse chooses to do, that is not in our control.
November 15, 2011 at 11:30 am
I'm going comment anonymously but as a guy who has struggled with sex addiction, Porn in particular, since I was in my teens (I'm 30 now) I would highly recommend http://www.puredesire.org/ I firmly believe and it is born out in my experience and that of those around me (I co-lead a group of 14 guys) that:
1) Men can be freed from sexual addition (repetitive wrong sexual behavior)
2) It can't be done alone (or even with one or two other guys)
I've been part of a pure desire group for 2 years now and can say that I am free from the hooks of porn. I'm not perfect and often want to slip back into old behaviors but where I am at today is a night and day difference from where I was 2 years ago.
Finally, Girls. Our struggles 99% of the time are not about you so much as they are about how we deal with conflict, stress, bordom and other emotions we don't want to feel. I'm not sure if that makes it better or not but there it is.
November 15, 2011 at 12:27 pm
There's also not a "one size fits all" road to repentance and recovery. A man has to want to be free of the addiction, and most importantly, God has to change his heart by seeing the lie that pornography is and make him sick of it. Without that change of heart, there will never be victory. But I grateful to the Lord that I am one man whose heart was changed.
November 15, 2011 at 2:26 pm
Married for 9 years and this has been a constant struggle. What are you to do when you have applied blocks, had discussions, cried, prayed and asked him to seek counseling and he still has not? He says he will seek counseling but after our last discussion 5 weeks ago, he has yet to call for help. He is a great man in all other areas, but this problem has caused sexual problems in our marriage to the point that 9 years later and we still do not have kids because his addiction makes him less attracted to me(his words) and not in the mood.
November 15, 2011 at 7:04 pm
I was married to a porn addict for 12 years. It was devastating. When his addictive behavior escalated to sex with a live person and he became violent, I fled.
God threw me a lifeline when somebody told me about COSA. That’s co-sex addicts anonymous. I encourage you to find support and growth with COSA and working through your own stuff.
I’m so sorry honey. It’s not your fault.
November 16, 2011 at 7:47 am
Thank you very much. Going to look into that.
November 16, 2011 at 11:54 am
As one who has struggled with porn, been freed and years later fell back into it I can attest that there is both a spiritual bondage and an apathetic spirit around it.
As a teen I was bound and it was only through God's deliverance that I was freed. I spent several years free from this addiction. Was even used in shedding light on it's reality in congregations through ministry. Several years later as I started to burn out and drift in my relationship with the Lord I slipped back into it.
Today I still have boughts with it. I find that I turn to it as a means of escaping reality. I am grateful I have never allowed it to escalate to violence with my wife or into sex with another. Although I will admit the temptation for unfaithfulness has been there.
My past addiction and later slip were all on the table before I married and my wife was well aware of it. she has been a great support through the years. This past year the Lord has opened my eyes to the impact it has had on her. I am not free, I still have seasons of indulgence. I find that when I start to gain freedom and traction in my walk with the Lord again is when I struggle the most.
I have tried the accountability partner but if your not initiating the accountability it doesn't work. I will check out the above mentioned website. hopefully there is a group near me that can become a support.
Thanks for sharing your story and allowing it to have an impact on others.
November 16, 2011 at 5:07 pm
Although pornography is not something that my husband struggles with, there are so many things that encouraged me in this post and that are applicable to me. I think that this line is a good encouragement for wives regardless of their husbands struggles: "I know that the best way for me to build my husband’s spiritual life is to live out my own." What a reminder that I NEEDED today. Thank you.
Praise Jesus that your husband's addiction has brought you closer to Him! Even though this has been such a painful process for you, it is clear that the Lord is refining you through this. Thank you for sharing your struggles to encourage other women.
November 17, 2011 at 7:48 pm
“Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence in your lives.” 1 Peter 3:1-2
What the Bible forgot to mention here was you're not going to win over/change (something you don't do to someone else) everyone or even many that way. Few people on earth aren't just cruel and insensitive, but also far less intelligent than a brick, and much less wise than the blind leading the blind. But you will 'change' a few — but why not accept people the way they are? I don't believe the Bible here is going on about changing others at all; I believe it's referring to striving to live/lead by example.
Gotta love a book that was written each and every way and was used to subjugate, deny and deprave for centuries because God couldn't find a way to write it any clearer. And yet others are still struggling likely in the same ways and it looks as if even more so, than they were when the NT part of this book was written. But God is love, huh?
November 18, 2011 at 5:25 pm
I'm a man who has been in multiple relationships with women who seemed to have lust problems. I can truly empathize. Reading stories like this, written from your perspective, gives me hope that if I ever marry she will not repeat those mistakes. There are good women out there.
August 12, 2013 at 9:03 pm
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May 15, 2014 at 9:14 pm