My Secret Childhood Sex Life: Porn, Masturbation, & Shame
Editor’s Note: Today’s post is anonymous, but the woman who wrote it has graciously volunteered to talk with anyone about these things. Please send an email to GoodWomenProject@gmail.com and I will put you in touch with her. Her story today is a little long, but stories like these need to be. Thank you for listening. – Lauren
Lots of people think back on their first memories with a nostalgic contentment. Childhood, for many, is a time of innocence, purity, and care-free giggles. Mine didn’t happen to turn out that way.
My childhood wasn’t unbearable, nor do I feel like I missed out on being a kid. I had many happy times growing up. I played softball, was a cheerleader, adventured around in the woods behind my house, and sang in school plays. I had a bubbly personality, and I smiled often. Any observer would have thought that I was a normal, happy little girl, and for the most part, I was. But what no one knew was that I struggled every day with thinking that I was a dirty piece of scum.
One of my first memories in life was watching hard-core pornography.
I was about 5 years old and was on vacation with my parents and cousin who was about a year younger than I was. My cousin and I were really good buddies, and we did everything together. My parents had left our hotel room at some point one night, and my cousin and I decided to flip the channels on the TV. We came across porn. We stared, wide-eyed, at the images of a man and woman acting in a manner completely different than we had ever seen before.
I think it mesmerized me in a way, because the next thing I remember was my mom coming back into the room and catching on to what we were watching. She got really frazzled and quickly turned off the television.
It was too late.
We bombarded her with questions.
“What WAS that?!”
“Mommy, what were they doing?”
“What was that man doing to the lady?”
My poor mother had no idea how to handle the situation. She ended up giving her five-year-old daughter and four-year-old niece “the sex talk”. I don’t remember exactly what she said, but it was something along the lines of, “When mommies and daddies love each other very much, they do things together to show each other how much they love one another. Kind of like what you saw on the TV.” I remember being really confused and scared.
Let’s just say I was never the same.
My cousin and I were really close, and could always be found playing together. One of our favorite games to play together was “house”. (She had one of those really awesome kitchen sets and an Easy Bake Oven. Playing at her house was little-girl heaven.)
We took turns playing “Mommy” and “Daddy”. Whoever played “Mommy” would cook and clean, and whoever played “Daddy” would “go to work” and read the newspaper.
We added a new twist to our games with this new knowledge of the worlds of “mommies and daddies” that we had seen that one night. We would basically recreate what we saw in the pornography with our four- and five-year-old little bodies.
At first, we had absolutely no idea that what we were doing was “wrong”. We began to catch on, however, as we got older. We began locking doors behind us to go “play”. What began as a relatively innocent game of “house” became a full-blown addiction to sexual satisfaction.
I remember my self-image during these years. Any time one of my family members or one of my parents’ friends would talk to me and tell me what a “good girl” I was, I would smile and say “thank you”, but in the back of my mind I remember thinking, “You don’t know what I do when you’re not looking. I’m bad.”
I genuinely thought I was “bad”. I don’t ever remember thinking that I was “good”.
My entire childhood was tainted with feelings of worthlessness, dirtiness, and shame.
I began masturbating around age eight. I sought out videos like the ones we’d accidentally seen. And by age 12 I had a budding addiction to pornography and masturbation.
The “game” continued until my cousin and I were about 11. We stopped when we realized that what we were doing were lesbian sex acts. I remember being scared to death that I was, in fact, a lesbian. It took me years to realize that I wasn’t lesbian, but that my first sexual experiences were all with a girl, and that it is common for girls with these kinds of experiences to question their sexuality.
So.
Much.
Shame.
These events in my childhood not only lead to addiction to pornography and masturbation, they lead to attempts in my adolescence and early adulthood to “prove” to myself that I wasn’t a lesbian by hooking up with as many hot men as I could. This didn’t liberate me like I thought it would. It just brought… you guessed it. More. Shame.
I’ve recognized that sexual shame is a vicious cycle. The shame that comes from doing something “dirty,” causes distress and a negative view of one’s self worth. This builds up inside and needs to be released, and it is. Usually in the form of another “dirty” act. The shame cycle continues, and it will until you are able to release the built up distress in a different way.
You guys, the events that took place in my childhood were that deep, dark, secret that you never expect to tell ANYONE. I swore I would take these memories to my grave because even the thought of them made me sick to my stomach with shame.
Through a series of events when I was 19, I hit rock bottom and found God in the pit of my depression.
Through a growing intimate relationship with Jesus, I was able to start talking about what plagued me as a child.
One day, I felt like He was asking me to tell a specific friend of mine about the “games” my cousin and I played as little girls. I was terrified. But I knew God was trustworthy, and I began talking.
Turns out she had had a very similar experience and had never told anyone before. She had blocked it out of her memory. Together, we began opening up about our pasts and praying over each other. We experienced so much freedom in confession and the true fellowship that comes with honesty within a friendship with a sister in Christ.
Today, I’m here to tell you that there is FREEDOM for you if you feel stuck in and enslaved by your sexual urges and the shame that they cause.
The first step?
TALK TO SOMEONE – HONESTLY – ABOUT THE THINGS YOU ARE SHAMEFUL ABOUT.
Surprisingly, there are SO many girls and guys (seven of my friends that I have talked to so far) that have struggled with these same things. It’s just that nobody wants to talk about it. And definitely not in the church.
So ladies… let’s start talking to each other.
Watch what God does with our honesty.
What you bring into His light He will take. He will form beauty out of your ashes. Just give Him a chance. He wants you to know that He understands you, that you were young and you didn’t know what you were doing.
He has taken care of everything on the cross of Christ and you stand before him INNOCENT. PURE. SPOTLESS.
Oh, P.S. My cousin’s name?
Grace..
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I thought I was alone in this. I have almost the exact same story. Playing “house” with a close friend that went too far-we were only 9. Started masturbating when I was 7. Watched porn for the first time when I was 11. Quickly progressed to erotic literature. I never told anyone until I met my husband and some of it I didn’t tell him until after we were married. I remember never thinking I was a good girl. He’s helping me over come that but it’s hard and is a everyday process.
Thank you for helping me feel like I’m not alone after all.
November 23, 2011 at 9:24 am
Wow. That's… touching. Glad to know I wasn't alone in this. Through the Lord I have been set free. Thank you for sharing your story! :)
November 23, 2011 at 10:10 am
I grew up with a similar experience, playing "house" with my cousins. Ever since, anytime children play house, I would be horrified, thinking they were doing the same thing. And you never know. I'm glad you have been redeemed, and I feel I have as well. I just hope and pray for the same for the thousand others out there.
November 23, 2011 at 11:04 am
I thought I was practically alone with those memories, too. Thank you so much for your transparency and advice. I needed to read this.
November 23, 2011 at 11:59 am
Such a great post! Thank u for sharing ur heart with us :) “But I knew God was trustworthy, and I began talking” – such powerful words that touched me, thank u!
November 23, 2011 at 2:06 pm
i have struggled with this secret and shame of the same occurrence that happened when I was about nine. Thank you for sharing.
November 23, 2011 at 2:11 pm
To the ladies who have had similar experiences, I am so grateful that God is moving in your heart through my story. I would encourage you to speak up to your most trusted girl friends about it and ask for prayer. One of the most powerful things that has happened to me was my girlfriends coming along side of me in prayer and declaring the Cross of Christ over all of the events of my childhood and all of the events that stemmed from the shame of it all. The power of the cross is greater than the power of shame and death. You WILL heal, God's will is that you would. Be open, honest, and remember that it is NOT your fault. It is a very common occurrence for young girls. All has been paid for on the cross. You are forgiven and pure. Seek Christ, and the shame will fall away and freedom will be in its place.
November 23, 2011 at 2:26 pm
Another who has bore the burden of this shame. So relieved that I am not alone. Thank you, and thank You.
November 23, 2011 at 3:16 pm
I NEVER thought anyone else would have this story. I think what makes me more ashamed is that my childhood sexual sin didn't stem from anything I can remember–I had a number of sexual encounters with my female friends as a young 6 year old, not realizing what I was doing but knowing it was wrong. Praise God, He redeems. I have been redeemed from lesbian acts as a child, addiction to masturbation, and a strong attraction to erotica. I feel shame when recounting these things, but I know I am made clean by the blood of Jesus. He died for my sin. Shame is no longer my portion! Praise Him, O my soul. To God be the glory.
November 23, 2011 at 5:49 pm
Thank you for sharing your story. I, as many have posted on here didn’t know there were others that went through this in childhood. I blocked it out for the longest time up until the last year when I started growing in my faith. All I wanted to do was ask someone close to me what was wrong with me that caused me to have that behavior and although I’m still not comfortable talking to anyone close to me about it, it is very comforting to know there are other women out there who know exactly what it feels like. Again, thank you for sharing!
November 23, 2011 at 8:03 pm
Your courage is just breathtaking. I have experienced something like this when I was younger at sleepovers. My sexuality felt hyper and forced as a 9 year old girl. I don't look at it as something that was my fault entirely, being a child you don't really know what your actions mean, but I do carry a lot of shame with it. I don't see myself telling anyone this in person, it's just too embarrassing and people may not understand but you know, when God calls on your heart, it's twice as hard to refuse Him. Even talking about it now is not that difficult because my mind has erased the emotions associated with the event. It's something I've simply refused to remember. I'm not sure if that's good or bad.
I am so sorry you had to see and experience your father's addiction to porn. That is one of the worst things that can happen to a young girl, it's really tragic and I hope you have found some peace now. My heart goes out to you.
November 27, 2011 at 4:27 am
I cannot express my thanks to you for being so open and honest about your childhood. I can honestly say, as so many others have, that I truly thought I was alone in this. I sent Lauren an email the other day sharing my complete story, and it was the first time I have ever shared it with anyone. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. But reading your story, and with mine being almost identical, I felt hope. Hope that made me want to share with someone, even if it's not someone I know personally. I think I am getting to the point where God is going to have me share with my closest, most trusted friend. And I am so nervous and frightened. I know that so many other women are in the same situation and have gone through the same difficult journey, but I feel so much guilt and so much shame and I am having such a hard time believing that anyone could ever love me or forgive me for what I have done. Thank you so much for sharing and for igniting something inside of my heart that longs to be open and clean and freed from this.
November 30, 2011 at 2:01 am
I'm wondering if any one experienced things like this with siblings both male and female when they were younger? I'm afraid to talk about my situation but I feel like if there were more people out there that have had to deal with this I might be able to open up a bit more.
December 5, 2011 at 11:13 pm
For 80% of this article, I felt like you were writing my life story. Until very recently, I had thought that I was completely alone in my struggle with porn and masturbation. Through stories like yours, I have come to a deeper awareness of the sad state of the Christian world, and how unspoken-ly forbidden it is to mention these things. I wish I had the courage to talk about my past with a friend, but honestly I'm worried that they'll be scared away…
January 6, 2012 at 6:17 pm
Wow. I just discovered this website and I'm glad I read this post. I've been feeling for a couple of months now like i need to open up to someone about a very similar sexual experience I had at age 7 with my best friend that's left me feeling guilt for the last 20+ years. It was a one time thing, but I always felt like I had a dark secret after that, and i spent hours and hours of my childhood locked in my bedroom after that – fantasizing, figuring out masturbation, and acting out sexually by myself. I felt like I could never tell anyone or I'd be considered a freak. So I spent years withdrawn from people and not allowing myself to open up emotionally, ever. Finally by God's grace I'm working on sharing my past and my emotions with others. I'm glad you shared your story because it helps the rest of us find the courage to share ours.
January 20, 2012 at 2:12 am
I engaged in sexual acts with a male cousin and a female best friend for many years when I was younger. When both of them lost interest and moved on, I felt very hurt by them, and it led me to seek those pleasures and feelings from anyone or anything I could get them from. I participated in pornography, masturbation, promiscuous sex, drugs and alcohol. I am now 23 years old, have a son, and have given up the drugs and alcohol, but I still struggle with those feelings and being tempted to watch porn and masturbate. I haven't been set free from those strongholds and am too afraid to talk with someone in person about it.
February 28, 2012 at 1:08 pm
Thank you so much for this honest sharing! I'm still struggling to find the 'right' girl-friend to confide in about these masturbation acts that I feel so shameful and guilty and disturbed about… I'm so terrified of the possibility of them not wanting to be my friend anymore after knowing this dirty secret >< i just don't know how to open up to my closest girl-friends cos to me, they all seem too innocent to have any encounter with masturbation and porn and it just doesn't feel like they would understand.. but thanks so much too to everyone who has commented cos this is really the best proof and consolation that we are indeed not alone in facing this. I pray for everyone who is in the same situation to be able to find someone they can open up to. and can i just ask for you who is reading this to please pray for me to encounter such a person who i can confide in honesty about my acts soon? thank you :')
March 22, 2012 at 7:12 am
I am so thankful for coming across this post. Not only has it helped me feel like I am not alone, but I also see that it has helped other people in feeling closer together! Thank God for this person and this website!
March 23, 2012 at 12:48 am
Thank you for sharing! It takes alot to start talking about this sort of thing. I started talking about things that I have been through ministering to other people and sharing my testimonies which I have quite a few. Since I started talking about it I have learned that I definitely am not alone. I started masturbating at a very young age. I don't remember the age but I do remember getting caught in the act quite a few times with teddy bears, pillows, piles of clothing. anything that I could find that felt good down there. Then it went to playing with my aunt whom is a year younger than me and experiencing what it felt like with another body. I would spend the night with her and we would play house, take baths together kiss and caress each other, I enjoyed the affection. My step father would catch me in the act when I was alone and beat me over it and call me a whore. It taught me that sex was wrong and that is what made me ashamed of what I had done. My step brother molested me at the age of 9 and I was raped by a few different men in my life including my ex husband who did what he wanted when he wanted. I blamed myself for years thinking that I had done something to provoke what had happened, everything was my fault. But now with the help of my current husband I have learned that it was not my fault. I wouldn't open up sexually with my husband until now. With God in my life I know that he gave me my husband to enjoy to the fullest with no boundaries. Having children I have caught my own daughters touching themselves. I have not punished them or made them feel ashamed. I have told them that that is not something that we do out in the open but behind closed doors when we are alone with God. I let them know that God is always with us in everything we do. Discovering sexuality is normal but we are taught by society that it is wrong. And women even in the bible have always been represented as sensual creatures of God. Women since the beginning of time have bathed together and have been nurturing and sensual. With women there is no penetration that can happen (without the use of toys) so I don't think it is as serious as a man that lays with another man. God Bless anyone who is struggling with this and I hope that God helps you release the shame and guilt that you feel.
June 6, 2012 at 4:31 pm
I have been struggling with masturbation since I was a kid. As a kid, I just thought it was something that made you feel good, it wasn't until I was about 12 or 13 that I finally was informed that this was masturbation. I have been known as the "good girl" most of my life. I am 26, and I am still trying to escape this particular issue. I know that, for me, I tend to turn to this when I feel rejected. It's like this is the only way I will ever be able to release all this pent up sexual energy that I feel because I am afraid that I will never actually be loved and wanted by a man. My deepest fear is that I will die alone and never get the chance to love someone else. I am one of the only single people among my friends. Most of them are now married, and I find myself jealous. Not of that they married certain men, but that they have someone who wants them, who loves them…something I don't have. So I mess up. Instead of filling that loneliness and ache with God and his love…I turn to this fake world of self-gratification because I find myself saying that I will always be alone. That if God wanted me to be happy or not do this anymore, he would bring someone into my life… Thank you for sharing your story. Thank you for telling us to talk to someone. I am still trying to get up the courage to talk to someone about this. I want to be filling my ache with God and not with an addiction that only makes me feel worse.
June 18, 2012 at 5:53 pm
thank you GWP for giving women a platform to talk about the taboos of our past and present. I can identify with this type of story as at three years old a then friend of mine had interacted in an inappropriate naked manner. Even at that age we knew that it wasn't something to do in public and to be "secretive" about it. Crazy thing is 24 years later I still remember that moment pretty clearly. That's where innocence started fading. I don't know where we got that idea from but we knew that are genitals were special and not to be shared with just anyone. From for years old I started "pre" masturbating and at 8 was exposed to porn by accident because of another friend whose sixteen year old brother watched that. She was awe-struck by it and showed it to me. I surely was horrified but intrigued which led to more sexual awakening in my young body.
Thank God for great parents who through my teens were very open about sexuality and its complications. I got a more real perspective of what sex is and that it's NOT that safe and all that amazing as the teen magazines said it was. I grew up in a Dutch culture which exposed us to great lengths of nudity and sexual content – aka porn in teen magazines. This also helped confuse me more sexually with thoughts of lesbianism just because of the supposed sexual satisfaction. Lord knows it was SUCH a mess that led to other sexual encounters with older men even a married one. Through it all I did somehow manage to remain a virgin though it was by mere technicality. People said to me too ..you are such a great girl..well-behaved girl…which brought me more inner-torment because I knew how "rotten" I was inside.
Praise God for mercy and grace. Thank God He has been so kind to release me from so many of these things. I pray He keeps breaking down bondages in my own life and in others. Thank you for being so open and honest because it encouraged me to be even MORE open. Because like the quote says "as we are liberated from our own fears, our presence liberates others."
July 31, 2012 at 12:08 am
Thanks for sharing. This is a wonderful testament to James 5:16. "Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working." God heals us when we confess our sins to one another AND pray for one another.
December 21, 2012 at 11:27 am
All of this is amazing, I too struggled with such encounters. Even as I led a college Christian ministry I occasionally "dry-humped"/masturbated. By this time I knew it was wrong, but, believe it or not, I didn't have a very big conviction about it. I think this was mainly because I tried really hard not to do it, so when I did I just saw it as a "slip up" but didn't find it necessary to talk about. Then the more I read the bible and the more the Holy Spirit responded to my prayers (I was still praying that God would remove it from me completely.. 100%), I began to have such a strong desire to confess that I can't even describe it. It wasn't even a little inkling or small feeling, but it was a HUGE feeling.. and HUGE desire to confess. Like I knew that I had to seek righteousness before God- my inner woman so badly wanted to be fully cleansed as a response to God's goodness and love. So I confessed to one of the volunteer staff women who then kept me accountable for a little while. Unfortunately I still slipped up, even though less frequently, after she stopped calling to keep me accountable and I began to seek to please my flesh in random moments of weakness. But can I just share with you God's goodness? One time I slipped up and I had had it.. I wanted to mentally beat myself up. Why can't I control myself!? Why am I so seemingly "chained" to these desires?.. It seemed as though I could only do it LESS, when I really wanted to just STOP forever. But in this moment when I even wanted to hear God condemn me in my spirit, all I got from Him was peace. He was forgiving me! He was saying, why would I condemn you? I love you. Keep coming to me. And I still asked for forgiveness because I still sinned, but it was as simple as that. I moved forward- it was so beautiful. OH His love.. amazing.
That brings me to where I am now. If I believe what God's word says, I am a new creation, made whole by the sacrifice of Christ and my acceptance of Him into my life. His love never fails. I fail and very often, but His love is always there to supplement my lack of strength in my weak moments. Temptations are one thing, giving into them is another. The bible says to "resist the devil and he will flee from you" and I believe that! I've seen it on my own life because it's when I don't feel like resisting temptation and the devil's schemes and actually don't mind if I masturbate again that I actually do it. But other times I've often resisted and prayed against satan and temptation and it has always worked because God is faithful to respond.
So I just want to speak love and peace over the brokenhearted women (and I'm sure, men- our brothers) in the name of Jesus. Lord, I ask that you would send angels to minister to their hearts for righteousness and that the blood of Jesus would cover them completely and set them free from this bondage to sin. I pray, Jesus, that you would reveal a new, beautiful and abundant life before them and that they walk in the promises of your word. Your word that says we are free from sin and Christ and that there's no turning back, the old is gone, the new has come. That we are new creations in Christ and are set free because the Son has set us free (indeed!). I pray that we not just read or remember but truly believe your awesome word of truth, God, especially when you say
" 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." in 2 corinthians 12:9. That in Jesus Christ, weakness isn't just plain old normal weakness, but that's where Christ meets us and His love and power can be displayed in us- the power to overcome fear, sin, and bondage. But we can't ever do this alone. You created community God and fellowship. I pray you send each and every one of these women a trustworthy accountability partner who is rooted in you, Jesus, and can love them where they are and patiently, lovingly urge them closer and closer to the redemption, love and freedom of the cross. I command the spirit of lust and the spirit of all bondages and impurity to flee right now in Jesus name. Thank you, Lord, for hearing us. I ask all of this is Jesus' name, amen.
January 6, 2013 at 5:59 pm
EDIT*Your word that says we are free from sin because of Christ…
January 6, 2013 at 6:03 pm
I hate stories like this. They all go something like, "I was a total whore and had sex with everyone I knew until I found Jesus, now I'm a wonderful wholesome person." Please.
February 23, 2013 at 12:36 am
A lot of you are commenting on how you're masturbating and are trying to stop because it's "wrong". It isn't. Don't become someone who shames your children and makes them feel the sexual shame you feel. It is a cycle.
March 5, 2013 at 2:16 am
thank you so much for sharing, i literally though i was alone in this too. unfortunately when i felt God wanted me to share my deep burdens, that i have carried for 14 years, with a trusted friend, it ended horribly and i hardly speak to her now.
i have recently been encouraging myself to go to some free counseling on campus, but when i tried to go in today i just felt frustrated and scared and i left. then i came home to read this.
thank you so much for sharing, your story has brought me encouragement and will be a part of the healing process for me.
so, THANK YOU.
April 1, 2013 at 6:25 pm
Wow, thank you so much for writing this. I’m actually 16 right now and I feel guilty and shameful because of my past. I can’t believe I still rememer what I did when I was an elementary kid. Everyday I want to erase that memory but it haunts me to this day! Played mommy and daddy with my cousin, male by the way, but it was kissing and touching each other, but I feel so disgusted with myself. In middle school I would come home and watch porn since my parents were out. I don’t know when this shame will wash off, sometimes I feel like it never will! But thank you, ladies, for sharing and showing me that I’m not alone. We will overcome! Soon :)
April 16, 2013 at 6:51 am
I think it's important to remember that sexual acts and feelings are not WRONG, just the way that we express them can be. When we are children and figuring it out, it can feel scary, wrong, or happen in wrong ways and at wrong times. But overall, I think feelings of shame attached to childhood sexual acts are not right, its important to remember that God made and loves sexuality and as children sometimes we don't know enough to stop ourselves, or know why it is wrong.
May 19, 2013 at 8:19 pm
I'm an atheist, but for some parts I can relate to this story. I certainly can relate to the shame. I, too, accidentally learned about sex at a very young age (not from pornography, though, but from a book in a library), and I was horrified. My parents never gave me the sex talk, so I thought sex was something dirty and wrong. So, when I discovered masturbation, I began hating myself. I couldn't help doing it, because it felt good, but afterwards I always felt so guilty and filthy. I always felt like my parents somehow knew and were disappointed at me. Only now, when I'm 20, I've been able to fully realize that it's alright and normal and good to have sexual feelings and urges and to fulfill them, with a partner or alone. I can never get back the years I spent thinking I was disgusting and that there was something wrong about me.
July 17, 2013 at 8:49 pm
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I played mommy and daddy with my half brother but THANK GOD we never did anything. Just lay in the bed beside each other and my mom would run in and break that up anyhow. I do remember knowing about sex at a young age. I'm not sure where I learned it from; tv I guess but I do remember pretending that my baby dolls would have sex together. I'm a virgin; I want to have sex but at the same time I have a huge conviction about that and when it comes to sex i'm a futuristic thinker. I am always thinking like wouldn't it be nice to make God proud. Between all that thinking and the fact that the guy I really hope to marry actually likes that I'm a virgin I believe I will keep it that way until marriage. On the downside I have a crazy sex drive; I'm seriously horny all the time. So what do I do? Porn…. it's really been an on and off thing. I mean I remember when I first saw it by accident on tv when I was younger. I watched it a lot of a while but one day I figured God wasn't cool with that so made myself stop watching it. Now here's the issue. I don't actually masturbate there is no pleasure coming from touching myself. I tried it and it felt gross so I'm not into that. Since last summer I have been getting pleasure from watching porn; no touching myself involved it's more like a mental thing. I figure I must be really nasty since I can get off just by thinking it. To make matters worst it's not just any kinda porn it's girl on girl porn. To tell the truth I honestly don't like girls. I don't see the point in dating a girl because a girl could never provide what a male was made by God to provide. I don't look at chicks in real life thinking I want to do something to them.Yet you can't help to wonder if you're gay if you're watching gay porn right? I don't really watch straight porn because when I do all I do is think stuff like "omg that looks painful" "i'm going to have to do that one day" . Now that I type those thoughts they are kinda funny haha but that's really what I think. Even though I know porn isn't real the images that they show seem to be more painful than pleasurable to me. Girl on girl porn all they do is kiss and stuff so I guess I'm comfortable with that. I stopped watching porn again once I got what I call really saved but it started back up again and this time I think it's serious. I feel like an addict. I don't watch it every day but I really don't ever want to watch it. I feel like I'm going straight to hell. I hate when the guy I like says stuff like "i like that you're such a good Christian" and I'm thinking no I am not. Like I said I don't like girl but I have been thinking to myself I don't like girls now. For all I know I am planting a seed within myself and i keep feeding it. How will I know if I keep down this road that a few months from now I won't be all like forget guys I'm switching teams or something. I watch it less but I really don't want to watch it ever again. Every where I go is sex, you can hear people in my dorms having sex, I deleted the sex songs I had but still you hear things around campus, sex all of tv from shows to movies to commercials. Sex SEx SEX. How am I a young lady who hormones are off the roof (it makes me feel like a sex addict or a guy ) who is surrounded by sex everywhere I go trying to not have sex and control myself when I have my urges. It seems almost impossible. I can hold it off for a while but some days it's like ugh I need to watch porn. Marriage is not around the corner for me this I know so I wonder how am i going to be able to go from single to married without porn involved. Porn is more of my "hold me over until I get married and can have sin free sex" aide. It seems logical put that way but porn is wrong and lesbianism is too and I don't want either to be apart of my life. Goodness I just need Prayer!!!! Oh and I already told my friends about my porn thing. I told my best friend it was hard/ easy because she actually came over my room and showed me porn (ironically at that moment I was really close to God and felt uncomfortable watching it ) I didn't tell her what kind of porn it was though. I just told her I felt bad about it and she told me she felt bad about having real sex. I told the guy I like about it somewhat, I mean I just told him that I don't masturbate but I can get pleasure from it with my mind. He doesn't know what kind it is either. So yeah here's my whole sex life story. Lately I haven't been feelings as shameful but more upset because I want this thing to be over and it's not yet so it's always the thought of when will i get over this. I never question IF I will get over it because I know by God one day I will. Pray for me all. Thanks and much love.
August 14, 2013 at 3:00 am
Definitely do not have the same exact experience, but I do remember some of friends explaining to me what masterbation was in the 7th grade. I've done it ever since and have tried to stop on multiple accounts. I don't have anyone to tell and have brought this issue in plenty of tearful prayers.
I know now that I need to forgive myself so that God has room to restore me in who i was created to be, I know that I am just human but I want and desire to be made whole.
October 3, 2013 at 2:52 am
Thank you so much for this. I know God brought me here. This is so similar to my story. I can't believe I'm not alone!!
I haven't had the courage to tell anyone yet, and am still struggling with the issue at times. But one thing that has been a constant in my life is God's peace and forgiveness. He has literally specifically been ministering to me about it and telling me I can have a fresh page and leave the past behind cos' of His forgiveness. I can't believe His grace. Don't hang onto your shame anymore guys. You weren't designed to have to carry it. There really, truly is forgive freedom through Christ.
Thank you so much. This has helped me so much, it's just what I needed to hear. I feel so much less alone, though I often feel like a weird exception among Christian girls.
October 15, 2013 at 8:30 am
This post really hits my heart. For years since I was very little (probably around your age) I’ve struggled with a huge addiction to porn and masturbation. It all started when my babysitter took me down to the cellar one night and made me watch porn with her. We never did anything. We would just watch it. Then I started watching it on my own the older I got. Around seven or eight, I began to show my cousins and we would watch it together. Then one night I ordered it from my mom’s television and saw one woman masturbating. I copied her, not knowing what I was doing and ever since then it was a spiral into porn and masturbating. I was come home from elementary school and watch porn, I would come home from church and watch porn, it was an all day everyday 24/7 thing that I could not stop even if I wanted to. And even after I got saved when I was in 9th grade, it was still a struggling problem. When I first started, I felt like I was forced to go to church and rebelled but then I was truly saved and found God’s grace years later and really struggled to live according to God’s Word. That was hard to do with my addiction and I constantly felt shame and depression every time I gave in. One day when I was about 14, I was home alone and bored and I suddenly got the urge to masturbate. As strong as the urge was, I instead looked up on the internet, a P4CM poem about masturbation and the poem talked about how the boy struggled with masturbation and God helped him through it. It also had scriptures and next thing I knew, my urge was gone. Since then, for about three years I never had that urge. I was a living walking testimony. Obviously Satan tempted me but my porn and masturbation addiction was over..so I thought. I’m 17 now. I’ve been noticing things. Certain commercials popping up on my screen. On every channel there’s sex or some hint of it. When walking from my car to my house one night, I heard couple near me having sex. I gave in. I was babysitting my nephew and I suddenly just looked up porn on my phone. I felt so disgusting and dirty afterwards, I went into my bathroom and prayed for God to forgive me. I knew He did and I began to move on, but I know that I reopened a door that I closed just a few years ago. I told myself never again. And I didnt do it for a few months. (it gets a little explicit here)Then, on October 28th, I kept the date so that I would remember, I gave in again. I was home alone. Again I looked up porn on my phone. Afterwards I expected to feel as much shame as I felt the first time I slipped. But I noticed myself trying to I ignore it. Ignore the fact that I even did that. Not even wanting to face God to ask for forgiveness because I felt so shameful. I felt like I let Him down once again. I knew I was falling back in into my old habits and I was terrified. Fast forward to today, I was sitting in my room on Facebook on my phone when suddenly a comic appeared on Facebook. Thinking it was some funny post, I clicked it. It turned out to be sex comic. There have been a lot of those on Facebook lately. I suddenly looked up more sex comics on my phone and it turned into watching porn on my phone again. I did it for about two hours in my room. My mother and cousins just behind my door. After about two hours, I got tired of it and came back to reality. Once again I failed God. During my desperate search for comics, I found this story. I read your story and for the first time in years, looked back to the start and cause of my addiction. I’m so scared that I won’t be able to stop again. I don’t want to fall back into that addiction and no be able to shake it. I’m scared that I’ll keep asking God for forgiveness and keep falling again and it will never stop. Please PLEASE help me. I don’t want to live a life full of shame and disobedience towards God. I want this to end. Please…
November 16, 2013 at 9:38 pm
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January 1, 2014 at 11:36 pm
Inspiring story. I am glad that you found the courage to share this online, so that others can be inspired.
January 10, 2014 at 12:19 pm
I too shared this experience (ages 6-8) with a couple female cousins & one male, but one of my cousins, a few months ago, told his mother to say that I molested him (I can only remember humping our little bodies together, no penetration from anyone or any objects inserted). I’m terrified now. Battling anxiety & depression. I’m full of shame & guilt. I’m deathly afraid that someone is going to take my own children away from me because I was a stupid kid who made poor decisions! This helped some, knowing I’m not alone but the dread of getting sent to prison, losing my husband, my whole life & my babies is crippling me to no end.
January 16, 2014 at 7:12 pm
yes i think we all did that
March 9, 2014 at 9:09 am
with me it was my girl cousin, she would baby sit me when my parents went bowling on friday nights, she knew how to get the older HBO movies and we would watch porn there, and she would explain to me about what they were doing and how and why, i was 8 she was 14 i think, im 15 now . we did a lot of masturbating together and her instructing me how too. we did touch each other but most focus was on our self, so i dont think she was lesbian but was ok with touchn mine and me her's. and we did this for 4 hours or so every friday night for several weeks. she was very nice to me but really havnt spoke of it again. so by 9 i was very active with myself and a few friends and cousins, armed with all that knowledge at 9, i would try to be naked every chance i could by myself or with someone, younger or older it made me very curious. and still am today.
March 9, 2014 at 9:41 am
This is my first time visit at here and i am genuinely impressed
to read all at one place.
September 15, 2014 at 9:22 am