When Your Pain Comes From Someone Else’s Sin
Editor’s Note: Today’s story had me in tears as I read it aloud. It is bravely written by Kacie Lester, who also authored one of our best posts, She’s Too Beautiful To Be My Friend. Kacie blogs at ColorMeCaptivated.com and tweets at @klynnlest. – Lauren
Photo by Branden Harvey / / Design by Lauren Dubinsky
I didn’t grow up aware of the worth of my body.
When I was 8 I was at a sleepover and my friend’s father, whom I’d never met before, molested me.
I went home the next day and tried to tell my family what had happened but I didn’t have an adequate vocabulary or even a category in my little-girl mind for molestation, and failed miserably to communicate what he’d done.
Out of that inability to share or even understand, a subliminal lie disguised as fact took root in my mind: my body doesn’t matter. What I do with it, what I put in it, what I use it for, whom I give it to – none of matters – to anyone.
Physical intimacy was nothing to me other than a venue for attention, and quickly through my later teens, I learned that it was the fastest way to gain affection. I gave my body away time and time again, actively hunting for approval and validation – to feel known – to feel seen – to feel protected.
And then when I was 19 I was raped, and for the first time in eleven years, I had a striking thought: what he did to my body was wrong.
I’m not sure which “he” was I even thinking about then, but I hated how it felt to acknowledge that I had been wronged.
I quickly squished the strange sad feelings telling me I had something to be angry about – clinging hard to that thing I’d seemingly always known: my body doesn’t matter – but I couldn’t shake the feeling that it might be okay to not be okay.
I fought against being “not okay” for over two years before one day, flipping through radio stations, I caught one sentence from a pastor’s sermon that changed my life:
“The majority of the pain you feel in this life will be a direct result of the sinfulness of someone else.”
In 2 Samuel 16, King David is running away from his adversaries and leaves ten women (servants/escorts – not prostitutes, just women who live in and take care of his home) to keep things in order.
Absolom (David’s son), seeking to shame his father, takes all ten women left in the house to the roof – the very tallest point in the city – and rapes them all, publically.
I’m positive that the sermon I was listening to was actually about David’s life, but all I heard was ten women were raped before most of the psalms were even written.
And I let myself get angry – really angry – for the first time.
Rape is violent. It’s dirty, it’s isolating, and it feels like part of you that can never come back to life is dying. It makes you feel hated and forgotten and unworthy.
And, apparently, it’s not new.
I realized then that I had hidden those aching parts of my heart and my mind behind the lie that it didn’t matter for years – but I was feeling it then in all of it’s raw, pervasive, intolerable heaviness.
Sitting alone I screamed at the Lord, “Where were you? Those women were your daughters! They were obedient and brave! They didn’t do anything wrong, why would you let that happen?”
And I heard this:
“I was laying beside them. I was wrapped around them. I was crying with them.
The results of sin do not only hurt my children – the wages of sin is death! Remember who died?
I have felt the ultimate betrayal. When my daughters experienced how hated sin can make one feel, I was right there with them feeling it, too. I was with them. I was with you, too.”
That was almost two years ago, but the Lord’s gentle words to me are just now clarifying more – “I have felt the ultimate betrayal” – Jesus didn’t just feel betrayed by Judas or by the Jews or by the Romans.
He cried out on the cross, “Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?” (Mark 15:34)
My God, My God – My Father – Why have you forsaken me?
Jesus didn’t utter those words because He thought they’d sound good in a book – He had the most authentic relationship with God of all time and was honestly asking why He didn’t feel God with Him.
Jesus died so we wouldn’t have to know the absence of God – but He has experienced what it is to feel like God is absent.
The Truth is, though, that God is never absent from us. His Word says clearly that He is never far from each one of us (Acts 17:20).
Our good God – the Creator – made us in His image and likeness, giving us the ability and desire to create, but He also gave freedom to choose Him or not.
And mankind is a singular noun – we’re connected, one body. Our choices affect others infinitely beyond what we perceive.
When a creative being chooses against God, that choice doesn’t strip said being of his or her creative nature or ability to create – but when we choose against God, we begin to create the opposite of God: we create the opposite of good, the opposite of love.
Jesus has experienced the depth of those things, though, and He’s with us.
And sometimes we just have to know that’s true because God says it is – even if we don’t feel that way – because that’s what faith is: the substance of hope, proof of things not yet seen (Hebrews 11:1) – and faith as small as a mustard seed (which is tiny) can move mountains (Luke 17:6).
You may not even see your mountain anymore. I didn’t. My mountain was “shame, anger, and fear” on one side, “victim, rejected, and worthless” on the other, and I was numb to it – but all it took was a tiny bit of faith that God is who He says He is to move that mountain so that I could see the Truth – and I’m free. I’m not angry, I’m not a victim, and I’m not worthless – I am, in fact, absolutely worthy.
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Wow, this takes courage to write and share. It takes courage to allow a mountain of shame to give way to truth and freedom.
Thank-you for being courageous girl! Thank-you for sharing truth.
The depth of wisdom your pain has taught you will lead others to take up the identity of worthy. Just like our sin connects us and has an affect farther than we can see – our love, our wisdom, our willingness to speak, also has a far greater influence than we might initially expect.
xoxo
January 4, 2013 at 6:01 am
Such beautiful courage and exquisite words. Thank you for writing–for shining a bright light onto this pain so many women experience. May you continue to find healing and rest for your weary soul.
January 4, 2013 at 11:20 am
Beautiful post. I especially love the mountain analogy at the end. Amen!! You ARE worthy!!
January 4, 2013 at 11:49 am
This took an incredible amount of courage. You are worth SO much, and your words impart that worth to others who see them! Well said!
January 4, 2013 at 12:14 pm
Thank you so much for sharing this. Your story is almost identical to mine, and I so needed to be reminded of this.
"I have felt the ultimate betrayal. When my daughters experienced how hated sin can make one feel, I was right there with them feeling it, too. I was with them. I was with you, too.”
These words are life giving. They broke down the wall around my heart and led me straight to into God's arms.
January 4, 2013 at 12:44 pm
This is a good post!
The topic happens to be about rape, but the truth in it extends to lies we believe when we are sinned against.
Men may not be raped as often, but we have other more common, more subtle lies we face.
To paraphrase your words in a man's context:
A subliminal lie disguised as fact took root in my mind:
Whenever others withheld any form of respect until I performed for them (did whatever they wanted me to do according to their high levels of expectations without any concern for my opinions, thoughts, feelings), who I am (my opinions, thoughts, feelings) doesn’t matter. What I think or feel – none of them matters – to anyone. I'm expected to be a mindless, heartless body that exists solely to do things for others who don't care about who I am. I'm not allowed to share my anger, fear, or pain, because nobody cares and nobody wants to acknowledge that men have valuable opinions, thoughts, feelings. When we share anything, we are immediately and wrongly perceived as "stupid" or "weak", or written-off as someone with "anger issues" (even it it might be right and valid to feel angry). We are told to shut-up, "man-up", and deal with it, because nobody else wants to care or help.
The actions of most people declare loudly, "I don't care who you are unless (or until) you do something for me, or I don't care who you are, period!!!
This is what women tell men when they insist that men "earn" their respect!!! (Which actually is a sin!!!)
They are basically saying, "F*** you! I don't care about you! Do what I want!" (or at least this is what men hear)
And why would any man want to love or serve or do anything for a woman like that!!
The hard part about moving past this lie (that who I am isn't important) is that each man has to deal with it on his own, because most people around him will still treat him badly either way. We men have to find God and hold on to truth on our own, because most people really don't care about who we are! Most others still view us as bodies to perform actions on their behalf, according to their wishes, and up to or above their expectations. If men still believe this lie, they often die inside. Either way, whether they believe the lie or not, they often hide and keep their thoughts and feelings to themselves because sharing usually isn't wise or safe, and almost always has many more potential consequences than incentives.
January 4, 2013 at 1:24 pm
Beautifully written. It brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for being so courageous and sharing your story with us.
January 4, 2013 at 1:41 pm
“I was laying beside them. I was wrapped around them. I was crying with them.
The results of sin do not only hurt my children – the wages of sin is death! Remember who died?
I have felt the ultimate betrayal. When my daughters experienced how hated sin can make one feel, I was right there with them feeling it, too. I was with them. I was with you, too.”
^ Truth. Thanks for sharing such an encouraging word that speaks so much truth and at the same time is so real.
January 4, 2013 at 1:47 pm
I must add my voice to the others congratulating you on your bravery in authoring this blog, Kacie. I've been punishing myself for someone else's sin for quite some time, but never considered viewing it that way until reading your words. Thank you for writing them.
January 5, 2013 at 5:22 am
Kacie, You are a beautiful women who teaches truth powerfully!
January 6, 2013 at 12:45 am
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why can't GOD give me the luck to find a good honest woman today, and especially that we have so many very nasty low life loser women now that are making it very difficult for us straight men now. i was married at one time and having my wife that cheated on me, made me very upset and hurt. there are just so many trashy women nowadays than ever before, that can't be committed to only just one man anymore. i was a very caring and loving husband that was very committed to her, and now going out and dealing with this garbage all over again is very sad for me. i certainly can't blame myself, and i was certainly the one woman man at the time that we were together. i seem to meet the women that are very hard to talk too, especially with their very bad attitude problem that most of them have these days. and now that there are so many LESBIANS now, it makes it that much more difficult.
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