Emotions After Leaving An Abusive Relationship
Editor’s Note: One of the most pivotal moments in life is the day your heart realizes that you are not alone. Even in the depths of despair, in loneliness, in pain – there are others who have felt this way. Others who have thought these things. Others who have suffered, pressed through, and somehow, they have made it. Today’s story is this kind of story. Simple, and necessary. If you have left an abusive relationship, are in the process of leaving, or feel as if you need to, the following words are a gift. Others have gone before you, and you are not alone. You are not crazy, you are not unheard, and it takes EVERYONE a long time for their heart to recover. Today’s author is Anonymous. – Lauren
Photo by Branden Harvey
It was a cool, drizzly day two weeks before Memorial Day as my dad and I drove back to my apartment just south of Pittsburgh. The radio was playing a Yiddish version of Peter and the Wolf called Pinkus and the Pig, and I should have been splitting my gut with laughter. I barely heard the stereotypical Yiddish phrases spoken in a thick New York accent, and my gut was splitting with sheer agony and terror. It took me two hours to get the words out and I fought them every step of the way. Even when I spoke, my dad made me repeat them and asked what I meant.
“I know what I have to do, but I don’t want to do it.”
The moment I opened my mouth to speak I started sobbing. Right before we reached the tunnel I got a text from the woman I had come to know and love as “mama”.
“Are you all right?”
Dad said not to reply, that I shouldn’t talk to her ever again. Or talk to my second dad. Or talk to the man I loved and was planning to marry. I couldn’t bear to think that the last time I’d ever communicate with any of them was that morning when I sent a frantic text to mama saying that I was crumbling. She reminded me of Esther and told me what my almost fiancé had told me two days ago as we stood on the train platform, “stay strong.”
Stay strong? I had to decide who to give up, who I would call “family” for the rest of my life, and whatever path I chose I was going to lose.
I chose my biological family, and I prayed that they were right.
Over the months of healing from being sexually abused by someone I loved, those words, “stay strong”, stayed with me.
Stay strong in doing right, in doing the most difficult thing I’ve ever done; even when the pain makes me want to throw myself out the window, and when the dreams come at night that remind me how much I miss my best friend. Most importantly, however, is to stay strong in believing God is who He says He is even when I am mentally assaulted every minute of every day, hearing the voice that says God has taken away every good thing in my life and abandoned me.
It’s brutally hard to remember that God is still good and still loves me.
For almost ten months I was caught in a terrible tug-of-war between my family and my boyfriend, and I believed with all my heart that God was telling me I could have both as long as I kept fighting. Then, one bleak day in the car I realized that God was asking me to give up everything; to do what I had told Him I would if He asked me.
God held me to that promise, and I started hating Him for it. Hating that I abandoned people I loved, lost my little home I had come to love so much, walked away from the most perfect job I could have ever dreamed of, even leaving behind everything I owned.
I came home, but I felt homeless. Cast out into a world where I became a statistic in the abuse records.
My family was ecstatic that I was back, but they didn’t understand what I had left. Every time I meet someone new they ask why I moved to the city I now live in. The energy I spend trying to decide what I explain and what I don’t is mind-boggling, as is the stress caused by wondering what will happen if word gets out that I was sexually abused. How can I possibly explain that I desperately miss the person who abused me? That I still care very much for him and wonder if he will be ok?
My ex-boyfriend pulled me out of myself and wouldn’t let me get away with hiding behind my mask of pretending my life was perfect. But if I let that mask drop now, to everyone? I risk the unbelievable pain of my fellow Christians rejecting me. Perhaps I can say that I’m struggling with depression, but certainly not struggling with feelings that should never have been aroused until marriage. And I absolutely can’t let slip that I feel rejected by God. After all, He’s the one who gave me strength to leave everything and move to a city where I knew no one and didn’t have a job. I thought God honored those who strove to live righteously, not rip all their dreams away and shatter their hearts.
I have to completely start over. Maybe I can only start believing that I have the chance to completely start over.
I can finally get rid of the lie that a really godly, wonderful man will be attracted to me only if I am modest, pure, and never flirt. The lie that guys are intimidated by me because I’m so different.
The rule-book I’ve created in my head that forces me to suppress what I’m really thinking and feeling in an effort to appear godly? It must be destroyed and replaced with the God-given truth that I am beautiful and can proudly be a woman in all her emotional, flirty, sexy, and confident glory.
The rule that says I can’t wear a halter-top and still be righteous must go, as must the rule that touching a guy’s shoulder when he tears up is a sexual advance. Modesty doesn’t mean covering up from head to toe, it means being confident that Jesus would smile at seeing the woman He created not ashamed of the figure He gave her.
All of it is extremely scary, but that’s okay because at the same time I’m starting over with who I am, I will also be starting over with who God truly is.
I have the chance to rebuild my faith as it should have been from the beginning, and because of that I am thankful for the pain, the tears, and the horribly lonely nights.
Maybe someday I will even thank God for the abuse.
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Your last line got me the most! I was in an ugly, abusive relationship for three years, the sexual abuse was the worst to work through. I just kept asking why, why did he have to do that to me, I can understand why he did everything else, but why that? It was like I was ok with the other abuse but the sexual stuff..no that was not ok. I will never forget the words my therapist, who I consider to be God's angel in my life, spoke to me when I begged with her why? "What happened to you did not have to happen to you. What he did to you was not ok or necessary. It was pure evil and disgusting. This world is evil and you were victim to one man's evil actions, it is not fair but trust that God knows the abuse and will comfort you through the pain and heal you." I prayed so hard that God would get rid of those memories for me. In time, He did. I am forever grateful that I went through abuse because it has brought me to where I am today, closer to God. I am thankful for your heart and courage and am praying that you find God's beauty from all of the ugliness that once was in your life.
December 30, 2012 at 2:27 pm
God heals. That's best promise I can give you, and it's so true. I also "believed with all my heart that God was telling me I could have both as long as I kept fighting". I remember when God asked me to give it all up, I wanted to hold on so badly. It was like I was totally unsure of everything and didn't understand how I had been so wrong. God has been so faithful. He has sent people to show me my value again, and most importantly my worth to him. Giving everything up gave God room to bless me with some amazing fellowship and people in my life. I'm in such a better place now, but the only way to get there was admitting things to the right people and allowing God to heal. God makes beauty from ashes and I hope you will get to see the beauty side soon!! Just know you aren't alone!
January 2, 2013 at 2:36 pm
Dear Anonymous- You are not alone. I can promise you that much. Love, Your Friend
January 12, 2013 at 6:07 pm
Thank you. You have spoken the truth I never could.
May 30, 2013 at 2:07 am
Thank you, Anonymous! Your truth has set me free. You are definitely not alone. You have been a blessing to me today, and you DID the right thing by getting out of the toxic relationship. It took me 13 years longer than you to get out. I married the man. The abuse got much worse, escalated to continuous verbal and physical abuse. His family was also abusive, many hidden secrets. I pretended to have the perfect life. He left me and our child and moved in with another woman. He then began to assassinate my character to protect his own lie. I betrayed myself, but God is restoring the years to me. God has been faithful to me.
September 10, 2013 at 7:44 am
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June 12, 2014 at 7:31 am
Being attracted to the same sex in countries like USA,UK Canada is really easily as i have heard.There are still people there who don't like people like us but it not as bad as that of Russia cos here we are beaten jailed and sometimes even killed.You can't hold the hand of the one you care about in the public so as to avoid been harassed we can even set a place to me cos if we are caught we face jail time.Here in Russia we gay are prisoner in our own country.I am currently in a relation with my fiance and we had to leave Russia to be together.Before now his parent were against our relationship cos they had no idea he was gay we sneaked around knowing the risks if we were to be caught.When he finally got heart to tell him family the rejected him and asked he stops seeing me or they were going to turn him in and that scared him a lot his father is a very powerful man in Russia and he made it possible for him not to be able to live the country i mean as long as you have money in Russia anything goes.I was lucky they never got to meet me cos if they did i would have not been here right now writing this article that you are all reading.Probably i would have been in jail.Months passed and there was no way we could see each other cos they had him watched to make sure he is never get to meet me and also to know the person the was he was practicing this profane act with as they called it.They stripped him of all his right to the family assets and made him an outcast i could see he was suffering form the text he was sending me they made his life miserable and made him end our relationship.I knew he was confused and did know what to do to get his life back to make his family see him the way they use to.And i knew that his family were never going to accept his life style cos they are so anti gay.If they were to be a fund riser to fight gay practice in Russia his family will be the first to ask that they host it.I love him so much but he was scared of him family and they also had a grip on him.I know most person don't believe in what about to say but still if it wasn't for Mutton Osun a spell caster that i found on the internet i would not have been writing this.It happened maybe by a slim chance or fate that i was a blog were it happened that i read three distinct comment about how he help them with similar problem.I contacted him with an email address that was in the comment.I asked Mutton Osun to cast a spell to make my then boyfriend to make up his mind to run away from Russia with me to be together and also his family as in his father to make it possible for him to leave Russia with me and set a very comfortable life for us were we were going.And i know doing spells with someone you can't even see is outrageous but i promise you he makes you feel more at else when he calls and he really goes through with his promise cos he did with mine he was really helpful to him and kind.And like other people said he doesn't even charge you for what he is doing for you.I had to provide some list of materials that he asked that i get for my spell casting.I preferred that i sent the money down to him cos they were not easy to find and even when i found them it was so expensive but he could get them cheaply.He instructed me on how to make the spell work with great effect.It took 7 seven day and night to see it result.On the seventh night my boyfriend call me to tell me we could finally be together cos his father did agreed to do all i asked mutton osun to make him do i just knew at once it was Mutton Osun spell cos it what i asked for and now me and fiance are the happiest right now we can hold hand now without fear of being harassed or sent to jail for we are in love and we are very comfortable here.His father made sure everything was set before we even got here just like i asked it should be.Am going to also leave Mutton Osun email here just like others have done for contact purpose godsofosunx @ rocketmail. com
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August 16, 2014 at 1:50 pm
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I am so over joyful as my month can not start to say all that really happened, It happened when i saw Ajayi advert online talking about been the best when there are so many spell casters online that i have used that has failed me.I spent almost close to $8000 dollars online for those spell casters that ripped me off my money without any result. But when i saw Dr Ajayi advert online saying that there is no spell caster like him and so many other testimonies about him from various people and from various countries in the world were it was written that ololo spell temple is the best that there is non to be compared to his work, Already i have personally take a decision never to apply to any spell caster online again after loosing such amount of funds on line to those scammers.But i don't really know what drew my spirit / attention to that advert online that faithful afternoon, { I call it a faithful afternoon because all i desire was granted to me. } There was an email at the end of his advert and on the good comment from the FBI and various people about him, I decided to send him an email telling him my problem about my lost job, money that i have lost to scammers and also having problems with the love of my life that i want to get married to. After some few minutes i received an email from him that contain the spell application form that i filled out and he told me that to get my spell casted that i will have to get some items that i could not get here when i went in-search for it. He said if i can not get the items, That is going to cost me an amount of just $390 dollars for my kind of case that i told him about which i doubted to be another scam online, As i have read so many tips online that money should not be sent to someone you do not know via western union / money gram payment information's. And Dr Ajayi insisted that i will be sending money to his messenger via this wire means. I was so skeptical because i was scammed in such a way of $700 dollars before,But this same spirits that attracted me to his advert told me inside again that this spell caster is real and noting but real that i should go ahead and send him the amount since i know that there is no how i can get the items that he told me that will be needed for my case. I sent him the charges through his messenger to please help me get the item with the money to get my spell casted.He promised me that in the next 5 to 7 hours that i will start to see results after the spell has been casted to get the love of my life back and others. I could not believe this because i have really been scammed and ripped off too many times for me to just believe till it works. To be sincere i almost faint as i was filled with so much excitement and happiness when my lost lover for over almost 9 months call was entering my phone and i picked the call were he ask if we can see to take things over and also my boss called me to tell me to come for training on my terminated job also due to too many thinking that in the office that result to it. Then in the next 2 days the FBI called to tell me that they have been able to get the scammer that is with my money. I am so proud and happy to spread the good-news about this man because he surprised me in his wonderful and powerfully work that restored back to me my heart desires. One thing that i also loved about this man is that he is understandable and he reduce or negotiate how much you can get for the work you want him to help you with. You want to meet with this great,most powerful spell caster that is 100% scam free,Just send your emails to this email: ajayiololo @ yahoo. com as you will get help from him without any disappointment.
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