When You Are No Longer The “Best Friend”
Editor’s Note: It has been said that the only thing worse than losing your boyfriend is losing your best friend. And from my experience, it’s true. It can be brutal, and embarrassing to admit how deep the ache goes. Merrie Dortignac shares the story of her relationship with her childhood best friend, and what happens when “best friends forever!!!” changes. – Lauren
Photo by Branden Harvey
I met the girl I called my best friend when I was ten years old. Our family had heard of theirs, and invited them over for dinner.
When I was fifteen, awkward, shy and insecure, I finally clicked with her. We hit it off over a week long camping trip and became nearly inseparable. She’s the girl who is full of life. It dances in her eyes and bubbles over when she laughs. And she loves to laugh.
She’d always had more than one “best friend,” never limiting herself or excluding anyone, but as long as I was on the list, I was happy.
She held my hand when I got my ears pierced, and I did her hair and make-up for her high school graduation. I liked her brother and she liked mine. We planned on raising our kids together, after she got back from her dream trip to Africa. I would teach her kids how to cook and she would teach mine how to play basketball.
Something changed along the years, and the list of “best friends” shortened until I was the only one left on it, everybody else either moving away or getting married.
She confided in my that her biggest fear in life was that she would be “replaced” and I swore that would never happen between us.
When our church split and her family left, she swore it wouldn’t change anything.
We mirrored each other to the point where it was hard to tell where one left off and the other started. Cutting bangs, growing out bangs, straightening our hair, matching t-shirts – the works. I guess we even started making the same facial expressions, because the people who knew us the best were always telling us that we looked alike.
I remember the day my world caved in like it was yesterday. We were sitting on the couch in my living room after playing volleyball one Sunday.
“Who is your best friend?” I asked, hopeful, needing my ego stroked.
I remember the look on her face when she turned to me, dismay clouding her eyes. “Um, _______ is.”
My ears were ringing from the shock and pain, my eyes stinging while I offered a controlled response. “Oh. Okay.”
What happened to best friends forever? How could she do that? Her biggest fear was being replaced, so she should know better than to replace me! What does this other girl have that I don’t have? I’m I really so worthless? The questions and memories swirled around and around inside my head until at 3am I couldn’t take it any longer. Uncontrollable sobbing wracked my body, as I laid there in my bed in the dark, waking my dad who came in and offered comfort without judgement or advice.
I’ve never cried more in my life than I did for the next couple of months. In my bed, hiding in the bathroom, in the car at a party where she was, even at a stop light on my way to work.
“God, what are you trying to teach me!? I’m ready to learn the lesson and get on with it, because this hurts too much!”
Life continued as normal, our families meeting up every week or so, only this time my friend had her new best friend in tow.
“Is she trying to rub it in my face!? God, please, I give the situation to you. Give me grace to deal with it.”
I began to realize that I had put our relationship above my relationship with God, and that it had become unhealthy. I got to the point where I thanked God for taking my best friend away. I gave the situation over to Him at least once a week. I begged Him for grace. I begged Him to make the pain stop.
I thought I was growing closer to Jesus through that time, but something was still missing – it hurt to see my old friend with her new friend.
We tried to talk it out but I always ended up more angry and hurt than before. I did my best to make her feel my pain. I laid the guilt on as thick as I could every chance I got, trying to make her see how lonely I was – how this was all her fault and then I cried some more, because we could never go back to the way it was before. She wanted us to remain friends, to get past it and hopefully grow closer, but I didn’t see how that was possible.
I mean, hadn’t I tried? I’d given up my rights and expectations to God a hundred million times already. I’d asked for grace, so surely He’d granted it.
One Sunday afternoon, a day I can remember just as clearly as the day that my world caved in, I was lying on the bottom bunk-bed by the window, preparing my heart and my attitude for my friend’s arrival, not certain her best friend would be in tow, but preparing myself for the possibility.
“Father, I’m begging you, give me grace.”
I have. I’ve offered grace each time you asked, but you’ve never picked it up and used it. You’ve never received it. It’s a two way street.
It was like a ton of bricks hit me between the eyes and a load of bricks was lifted off of my shoulders at the same time. I left the room and was able to look my friends in the eye, smile and tell them I was glad that they came.
The damage control took longer. It was months before trust and camaraderie were restored. The bitterness I’d been harboring was poisoning my family as well as myself. I had some serious apologies to make, but lucky for me, they were more than willing to forgive.
And I’ve learned so much since that day. I learned that a best friend doesn’t have to be exclusive. I learned that God is good. I learned that I needed to be separated from my friend so that I could grow into me. I learned that the impossible things are possible. I learned what it means to be a friend. I’ve learned that I am loved beyond comprehension and my relationship status or friendship status cannot change that.
That grace you’ve been requesting for so long? The more you use, the more I give.
Now? I’ve been filled. I’ve seen what grace is. I’ve been forgiven and I’ve been healed. My “ex-best friend” is still one of my best friends in the world, and that girl shook up my life those years ago, my best friend’s best friend? I’m thankful to be able to count her as one of my close friends today.
All my life I’ve believed in redemption and grace and healing and forgiveness. I’d been raised with the concepts drilled into me since before I could walk and talk. But the day I opened my heart to accept the grace that God so freely offers me was the day I started to live.
“You’ve changed, Merrie. You’re happier now than you were two years ago.” A different friend remarked one afternoon.
“I hope so!” I replied. “I think I finally became a Christian.”
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Where was this 10 years ago… lol. It would have made middle school so much more bearable and so much better :) Thanks for sharing!
October 25, 2012 at 10:33 am
Different circumstances, but I totally relate. Thank you.
October 25, 2012 at 11:34 am
The link to this extremely relevant post showed up in my Facebook newsfeed at the same moment as I received a message from my used-to-be-best-friends' boyfriend. He basically said, "just forgive each other and be friends again". I wish it were that easy. I wish the hurt would just go away. I wish I could just forgive her. It's an encouragement to know that all of this just doesn't disappear over night. Right now, I'm in the process of learning this:
"I learned that I needed to be separated from my friend so that I could grow into me."
It's hard to not rush the healing…gosh, I've tried that so many times. The whole "I forgive you, let's just be friends again" thing that just turns into another argument. Ugh. I'm sick of arguing with someone who I love so much.
Thank you for sharing this, Merrie.
October 25, 2012 at 11:51 am
I know those feelings well. I actually had to go back to the top to make sure it wasn’t my story she was telling. Unfortunately mine does not end with us being friends again. Thanks for sharing!
October 25, 2012 at 11:57 am
Beautiful, Merrie. Encouraging to see the God-filled person you've become.
October 26, 2012 at 5:32 pm
I can't believe someone else just wrote my feelings and pain so clearly and exactly! The situations aren't identical but similar enough for me to relate to. I have a best friend who is not exclusive in making good friends and would never "run out of" good friends. She's important to me and I prayed for our relationship I prayed that I would be a better friend and I prayed that she'd be more understanding than she was… but much too often that I feel my love to this friend unreturned and I'm always the one sacrificing for our friendship. Pain leads to anger and leads to uncontrollable insecurity and very negative emotions and bitterness and unworthiness… I've tried more than once to place God above this friendship, by my own power… and I always ended up dropping back into the deep pit of despair and heart-brokenness… Things have improved but not enough to make me a joyous person. Your article came as a great encouragement Merrie.
October 31, 2012 at 9:53 am
This is so beautiful. It's one of those posts that speak to your heart in such a huge, Godly way. My best friend of 18 years decided about six months ago that she was "over" our friendship. I've been dealing with six months of pain, bitterness, and hurt. This helped me to see the bigger picture. I'll miss her forever, but I know that God is blessing the friendships I have now. Thank you for this!
October 31, 2012 at 4:32 pm
Wow I am just reading this article now but I am going through this same situation right now. God has un-attached me from my best friend since college (the one who we promised "we'd never hurt each other…never marry someone completely wrong for us…never be like the other girls we knew who stabbed each other in the back or lied or avoided telling the truth out of fear…") and I am heartbroken but also heart-awokened because I truly was valuing the people in my physical life sometimes more than God and my spiritual life. My value and approval came from humans instead of only from HIM. My best friend is engaged to an atheist & she is a completely different person now, I practically don't even recognize her texts, phone calls and even some in-person conversations anymore. It is crazy. I NEVER saw or imagined this happening to US. This article really hit home and I believe it is Divine Providence reminding me to stay connected to The Vine and seek love, approval & trust ONLY from The Lord – the only true and real judge and BEST FRIEND we could ever need…ever.
January 10, 2013 at 2:22 pm
It was interesting to read about the personal experiences you had with your best friend. I have been an avid follower of your posts and like your way of writing. The fact that you finally realized the meaning of best friend does not have to be exclusive explains a lot about relations.
June 4, 2013 at 7:44 am
That same thing just happened to me
June 7, 2013 at 4:57 pm
Wow, good article. I've been struggling with something similar and I'm trying to figure out what it is God's trying to teach me because it's been so long and I can't seem to figure out why I have this issue. I haven't had a best friend, or friends to hang out with regularly for almost 7 years.
At this point I want to bang my head against a wall because I've tried to initiate so many friendships, they've either moved away, got married, or are best friends with someone else. So right at the tipping point of them finally being friends that I can hang out with regularly, they disappear in one way or another. It's so painful! My original best friends became distant and betrayed me.
I have a few online friends, but it's not the same as hanging out with people. I miss it so much now. I've been trying not to notice it…but it's just in my face and it hurts so much.
I try to fill my time with other things, I do have a better relationship with God, I've learned to forgive…..but I'm wondering what else I need to learn if that's all I can think of? I don't know what else he wants me to learn, why I keep having this issue.
I keep enduring….but sometimes it feels like too much.
I'm still waiting for my sun after the storm.
a 7 year storm is really difficult.
praying for God's help.
July 31, 2013 at 12:15 pm
i can totally relate.. it did comfort me a bit.. learned that a bestfriend doesn't have to be exclusive ..and…………….the only bestfriend you can assure who won't ever replace and leave you is God :))) thank u so much for this article..thank God found this :))) PTL :)))
December 10, 2013 at 10:05 am
i really need help :'( my best friend and i am so happy when were together, we hate this other girl and even my best friend talks s**t about her. but you know what i just dont get? every time the girl that we dont like comes to us my best friend just sucks up too her, talks like a baby and hugs her every 2 seconds :"( now there like besties and the whole day i would just be at the back secretly rubbing the tears of my face while i watch my best friend leave me behind and hug and say i love you to the girl she says she regrets meeting… i honestly hate my life right now. i try to suck it up but this same girl aways takes my best friend away. she desroyed 2 of my very close relationships and i cant let this happe again! PLEASE HELP ME I CANT STOP CRYING
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Friendship is the support in the bad times. I am very thankful to God who give me caring best friend.
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I can relate! My best friend is hanging out with someone else, and it's like I don't exist!
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