Boundaries: 5 Do’s and Don’ts in Dating
Editor’s Note: Today’s post is by Natalie Albertson. She’s a masters student in English at Iowa State University, and she blogs at nataliealbertson.com. We love her emphasis on grace, balance, and moderation. – Lauren
Boundaries can be a wonderful thing. The boundary at the Grand Canyon, for example, that says, “Do not walk further, or you will fall and die” is a wonderful boundary. But boundaries can quickly become a focus on the negative: what I can’t do. Sometimes we try so hard not to “fall and die” that we forget to admire the Grand Canyon! Other times, we get so excited about the Grand Canyon that we take one step too far and…well…you know. Life requires balance. The world often looks for happiness through self-assertion, and the stoic looks for happiness through self-denial. Yet the good woman knows that self-fulfillment is found in self-abandonment. We set a boundary not just because we don’t want to do something – but because we do want to do something else.
Because of this truth, I’ve made a list of five do’s and don’ts of dating. These are things that God taught me through mistakes, and that’s the beauty of it.
Photo by Carli Wentworth
1. DO: Look a man’s heart. DON’T: Hold men to a standard you don’t want to be held to.
When I was dating, the type of man I was looking for to be my husband had to have the spiritual maturity of my two youth group pastors at my home church. These men were 35 and 40, which means that I expected to find some poor 20-something year old man to have the wisdom, experiences, and knowledge of a man twice his age. Don’t hold your brothers-in-Christ to this type of standard. The most important thing to look for in a man is someone who DESIRES to be a good husband. It’s completely fine if he’s not there yet.
2. DO: Embrace chaos DON’T: Desire chaos.
Love can be chaotic and it’s almost always disorganized; love stories are even more so, because we have an idea of how things are “supposed to be”. I remember getting so scared that the man I was dating wasn’t “the one” because the things that happened in the movies were not happening to me. I never got butterflies when he walked into the room, there weren’t fireworks when we talked, and this made me think that we weren’t “in love”. Once I saw the movie “Love Comes Softly”, I slowly started to learn that love should feel like coming home and not like being on a rollercoaster. Rollercoasters are fun for a few minutes, but you don’t want to be on one for the rest of your life. Being grounded is good.
3. DO: Desire something better than momentary pleasure. DON’T: Get pregnant.
Never, ever, ever, never kiss. Because you will get pregnant, and then you will die. No, just kidding. But seriously, do take your physical life seriously. It can be a very slippery slope. The lines you should and should not cross will be different for everyone, but it’s important to seriously determine what you desire, communicate that to your significant other, and pursue that together.
4. DO: Look deeper. DON’T: Trust popularity.
Our culture tends to glorify a certain type of man that I want to warn you about. You know. The hot guy in high school. The athlete. Whoever the guy is at your school that’s getting all the attention from his surface level success. The reason I bring this up is that, as young women we want to date “popular” men. Let me remind you that many of these things are temporary, and years later? The popular guy in high school might not be the guy you want to date. Men change, and they change a lot. Just like we do. Don’t let culture inform your sense of a man’s worth or merit.
5. DO: Take comfort in God’s sovereignty DON’T: Settle.
Augustine once described “evil” as simply a reordering of goods, and marriage can quickly become this. Marriage–and dating for the sake of finding your spouse– is such a wonderful thing, but it’s not worthy of your worship. Don’t let marriage be an idol in your life. If you’re dating a man you shouldn’t be–and you’ll know if you are–let him go. Don’t settle. Trust that God is in this with you, and that he sees you.
Want to join us & pass this along to other women in your life?
Follow Good Women Project on Twitter: @goodwomenproj
Be a fan on Facebook: facebook.com/goodwomenproject
Subscribe to our email newsletter for insider updates here or subscribe to the blog here. Or both.
Everyone on our team is volunteer, and we are funded 100% by you. If you'd like to donate, you can here.
We're also doing fun stuff on Tumblr, Instagram, and Pinterest!
God does most certainly see me where I am and He is good.
April 18, 2012 at 7:56 am
Amen :)
April 18, 2012 at 1:40 pm
#1 is good! I normally dislike lists on how to date, but I appreciate these because, let's face it, it's easy to have unrealistic expectations for a future spouse! I learned this from a good friend who would always ask me how my heart was. It is important–most important!
April 18, 2012 at 10:15 am
Chick flicks are often our worst enemy when it comes to dating!
April 18, 2012 at 1:41 pm
This is precisely where I'm at: " I remember getting so scared that the man I was dating wasn’t “the one” because the things that happened in the movies were not happening to me. I never got butterflies when he walked into the room, there weren’t fireworks when we talked, and this made me think that we weren’t “in love”. Once I saw the movie “Love Comes Softly”, I slowly started to learn that love should feel like coming home and not like being on a rollercoaster. Rollercoasters are fun for a few minutes, but you don’t want to be on one for the rest of your life. Being grounded is good."
April 18, 2012 at 1:22 pm
(half my comment disappeared when I signed in to comment via twitter)
I kid you not when I say that I watched "Love Comes Softly" two weeks ago and it opened my eyes. I am being passionately and patiently pursued by a man who would make a wonderful husband. Yet I have been SO SCARED because I don't have all those crazy-in-love feelings. What I'm realizing now is that they can grow. My story may not look like I always dreamed it would. Regardless, the hand of God is all over it and that makes it SO beautiful.
Thank you so much for writing this. I needed the confirmation!
April 18, 2012 at 1:28 pm
Bekah, I'm so glad I could help. It really is a good movie, isn't it?
April 18, 2012 at 1:42 pm
I am so glad to read this article! I'm in a similar place too (dating someone and exploring the possibility of marriage without being "in love" yet). Right now I'm not worried that I don't have sweetly mushy, romantic, "in love" feelings. In fact, I think it is probably a good thing that those feelings are not clouding my judgment while we are getting to know each other and praying for God's guidance and clarity. Knowing how my emotions work, feeling in love will probably come and go throughout different seasons of life. Emotions can be changeful and it is okay. The love I want to build my future marriage on is God-centered and is a committment and a choice so I think we're doing just fine.
April 18, 2012 at 4:05 pm
Sometimes I think we confuse infatuation with love. Love certainly lasts longer and runs deeper!
April 18, 2012 at 7:27 pm
"If you’re dating a man you shouldn’t be–and you’ll know if you are–let him go. Don’t settle. Trust that God is in this with you, and that he sees you."
This is how I feel, but I'm too scared to let go. It's a lot harder said than done when you really care for someone, he's a godly guy, has his head on straight, but you just feel like he's not the right one. Timing couldn't be any worse as I'm a college student with a crazy schedule, and he, being 3 years older than me, is in the same boat. I know that God is sovereign, I know that I can trust Him to hold my heart in this hard time, but it sure is difficult to take that first step in faith. The past several months have been full of questioning why the Lord would bring such a wonderful man into my life, and then give me feelings of uncertainty as to whether this is the right timing for us. Prayer for wisdom, discernment and words would be much appreciated in this time! Thanks so much for sharing.
April 18, 2012 at 1:24 pm
Joy,
I don't know you're exact story, but I believe I went through something similar. I dated a guy for 2 1/2 years and certainly loved him, but when it came down to it, we were not meant for each other. And this of course contradicted early beliefs of "God totally meant for this to be forever and ever." Do some serious praying and soul searching. It took me moving half way across the country for me to realize this. I broke things off the second week of college, and am so grateful for it. While we definitely learn lessons from each experience, it is important to recognize when things aren't part of His plan, but part of yours. Whether it is so you can meet someone else or so you can spend time single. Definitely pray about it. He will give you the courage for what should be done.
April 18, 2012 at 6:26 pm
Thanks for the encouragement and wisdom Elizabeth! I'm definitely going to keep praying about it and trusting that God's plans are far greater than mine, even though I don't completely understand why He's brought me to this place. "Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart and LEAN NOT ON YOUR OWN UNDERSTANDING, in ALL your ways ackowledge Him and He will make your path straight, and the PEACE of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." Thank the Lord that He is our place of refuge and strength in the middle of these difficult circumstances. I'm so thankful that I can trust Him and that He hears my prayers and guides me! Thanks again for your input and comfort in knowing that someone else has gone through this as well. God bless
April 19, 2012 at 12:52 am
Never worry about doubt and uncertainty. When you need to start worrying is when you just don't care anymore. Stay in the word, sister! A solution will come.
April 18, 2012 at 1:44 pm
Love the Augustine reference at the end – the improper ordering of good things is a extremely relevant to this topic! Thanks for the great post!
April 18, 2012 at 8:07 pm
I took the part about never ever ever kiss seriously as I read it. I was relieved when I realized it was a joke. Funny.
April 19, 2012 at 2:11 am
Because you will get pregnant, and then you will die.HAHA
nice post
April 19, 2012 at 9:18 am
This was great and really funny. I especially liked the first DO and DONT
April 19, 2012 at 2:49 pm
Yes yes yes to no.2! I have been with the same boy (well, he’s now a man!) since I was 15 – six and a half years. More recently some of my dearest friends have begun relationships with great guys, and sometimes I find myself feeling a bit jealous because they are in that dizzy crazy-about-each-other phase where they just can’t get enough of each other, are ridiculously romantic etc. But the more I think about it, the more I realise that isn’t what I want most in my relationship anymore – my boyfriend has made me who I am, and we’ve grown into adults together, which is much more important in the long term. Coming home instead of rollercoaster all the way!
April 19, 2012 at 5:23 pm
Pingback: Dating Dos and Don’ts: Boundaries For Relationships | How To Be A "Dating" Goddess
Pingback: Six Years of Lessons |
Pingback: Thrill-Seeker | tinamats.com
I really love what is being pointed out about not expecting a guy to be at a level he just isn't. That does not mean to compromise standards but to be gracious.
February 15, 2013 at 5:11 pm