Dating Mistakes: He Didn’t Love Jesus.
Editor’s Note: I wrote this post in June on my own blog. I’ve dated Christians, atheists, agnostics, and everything in between. I thought that chemistry, how he treated me, and his accepting, open-minded personality was enough. I was tired of judgmental, hypocritical, boring Christian men. Thankfully, God stepped in. Last month I married a man who loves Jesus more than he loves me. And I could not be happier. – Lauren
“Why don’t you date him? He’s a good guy.”
“Just give him a chance. You never know unless you take the risk.”
“Go on a few dates. Just because he isn’t a Christian doesn’t mean he will be a bad boyfriend.”
“God can change people. Maybe he’s the one. You can make it work.”
“We’re just hanging out, it’s not serious. It won’t go anywhere.”
“You’re not deciding to marry him right this second. Just see how it goes.”
I remember being a freshman in high school and believing heart and soul that I would never date a “non-believer,” much less ever have sex with one. Fast-forward five or six years, and I’ve dated a couple. Fast-forward another year or two, and I’m sleeping with one that I’m not even dating.
No girl wakes up and says to herself, “I’m gonna fall head over heels in love with a man I’d never marry today” or decides over lunch that sex is just sex is just sex, and none of it is a big deal anyway. I didn’t. And you probably didn’t, but both of those things happen to us.
“Your first perfect Christian boyfriend broke your heart. You weren’t supposed to mess around with him, but you did anyway. Now you might as well mess around with the next one. You’ve been perfect your whole life. You deserve to have some innocent fun. It’s just going out for a drink – that isn’t committing to a relationship. Cuddling as ‘friends’ isn’t wrong. Marriage is like, a decade away. What are you supposed to do for ten years – be bored? Everyone has sex before marriage. And everyone ends up with a husband and happy in the end. You need to experience everything before you settle down and only have sex with one man for the freaking rest of your whole entire life.”
I don’t know how it happened to you, but that’s a glimpse of what happened to me. And I was the girl with the best intentions, the highest standards, and the most reasonable head on my shoulders. Maybe you got there a little differently, but it ended us both in the same place.
Why did it happen? Because we’re human. Because life happens. Because we get hurt. Because we’re built for relationships, but we’re born broken.
And because too often as Christian girls, we are given the rules with no explanations. We’re told the No’s without the Yes’s. We’re given the worst-case scenarios without a picture of the amazing fun-filled, purpose-filled, hot sex & crazy love filled marriage that we were created for.
As Christian girls, we’re told that sex gets us pregnant, ruins sex with our future husband & is SIN SIN SIN. The church has steered us away from sex by way of guilt, shame & fear. The problem with motivating by guilt & fear (instead of truth & life) is that the moment another area of our life collapses, we give up on everything. Because sin is sin is sin, right?
We say, “What the hell.” And we give up a little, settle a little, stop caring a little.
This is what I didn’t know about relationships. About men. About myself. About sex. About dating. About marriage. About life.
This is what I didn’t know, that had I known, I might not have become addicted to things that slowly began to destroy me.
This is what I half-knew, that I pushed to the back of my mind and heart, believing that I couldn’t have or couldn’t find.
This is why you can’t date a man who doesn’t love Jesus, if you have given your life to the God who created, treasures and adores you.
- Because Love isn’t enough to get you through anything. You have to respect him, too. There is something in the heart of a woman who loves Jesus that knows she can’t fully respect a man who doesn’t have God as his number one priority. If you don’t respect him as a man, get out. If you question it now, you can expect it to be wholly sabotaged when things get rough. A man knows when you don’t respect him, and there are few things more dangerous, problem-causing & explosive than a man without respect.
- When we evaluate relationships, we forget to set the stage at its worst – we just set it for now. Last week, my man hit rock bottom. As the woman who is promising to love & support him (and invest my entire life in him) no matter what, I HAVE to know that God loves, protects, will provide for, and will strengthen this man in my arms. If a man doesn’t love God with his whole heart, I can’t be assured that what I’m comforting him with is going to be delivered. I can’t have faith in a man who doesn’t have faith. I can’t strengthen the faith of a man who doesn’t have any to begin with.
- If you are a woman who loves Jesus, a man who doesn’t love Jesus doesn’t know who you truly are. Your identity is defined by God. You’re lying to yourself if you think that your relationship with Jesus can remain in a box, outside of your romantic relationship. For a while, I told myself that if he understood every part of me except for the God part – that was okay. When you are created a new creation in Christ, ALL of you is “the God part.” No part of you is untouched by your love for Jesus. And your man does not see that you – he sees a different woman.
- You need an anchor. One day you’re going to fall apart. And you’re going to need him to come to your rescue by way of God, not by himself. God is our rock, and our foundation. Max cannot be my savior. I cannot be his. And both of us need one. If you date a man who doesn’t know his Savior, you are forced to fulfill that role, which as a human being, you cannot. And he will try to be your savior. And he can not. Everything will be okay because you believe in God, not because your boyfriend “believes in you.”
- When you’ve made the decision to follow Jesus, your perception of everything becomes wildly changed. Lifelong friendships are built not on similar interests, but on similar views of the world. Marriages are no different. It is said that marriages do not fail for lack of love, but lack of friendship. You’re choosing a partner to take on the world with together for the rest of your life. You can’t make it through the battle if he’s seeing differently than you are. And you can’t live with someone you wouldn’t be friends with in the first place.
- He can’t love you to the best of his ability if he doesn’t love Jesus. I’m talking about the kind of love you need to survive a marriage. The love that lasts a lifetime. The lay-down-your-life-for-someone-kind-of-love. The world’s definition is but a pale imitation of love. If you want to truly be loved by a man, you need to find one who has experienced unconditional, sacrificial love as is defined by God, the author of it. God created marriage as an image of Jesus’ relationship with the church, and Jesus laid down his life out of love for his bride.
- Believing in God is not the same as having a relationship with Jesus. Telling someone that your boyfriend “believes in God” is a cop out answer. Believing or not believing is irrelevant; what matters is their active relationship with Jesus.
- You can’t marry them, so why date them? Let’s say you’ve already decided you won’t marry a non-Christian – but what’s wrong with “just” dating them? Your body is designed to bond utterly & completely with someone, through the release of dopamine & oxytocin. Dopamine is the chemical that drives you back to pleasurable things. In its most innocent form, it teaches a small child that puppies are awesome. In its most powerful form, it creates a natural addiction to the person you are physically involved with. You were created to be addicted to someone for the rest of your life. The addiction starts the moment dopamine is triggered and begins to flood your brain. The question is: are you created an addiction to something healthy, or unhealthy? (When Oxytocin is triggered, it teaches your mind to trust, and reduces fear. Consider the repercussions of programming your body to trust someone you know you shouldn’t, and to be safe around someone you plan to break up with.)
It hurts. It’s hard. You love him.
I’m not telling you to leave him because you’re sinning, I’m telling you to go get addicted to a man you want in your life forever.
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I feel like this article just encompasses it all. I thank God everyday that he sabotaged this puppy love relationship I almost had with a guy who didn't love Jesus. I saw him for what he was and I ran. God absolutely protected me and I am so thankful, but I know plenty of girls who ignore God's warnings and fall into terrible things. Thank you so much for this. I am so glad someone else is able to hear it before it gets worse for them–before they have to deal with someone breaking their trust or their heart.
October 6, 2011 at 12:33 am
This was the first post I ever read of yours…and it allowed me to re-ground myself at a time when I was allowing my foundation in Christ to crumble due to a broken heart. Thank you for these words of wisdom, affirmation and love. I so appreciate your vulnerability and brutal, but loving, honesty. You are one of the many beautiful mouth pieces of God– and what a blessing for that!
October 6, 2011 at 1:44 am
I remember reading this back in June. Thanks for posting it again. I needed this in my life.
October 6, 2011 at 10:49 am
"It's just one date – it's not the rest of your life . . ." my girlfriend said when she tried to set me up with her "boyfriend's friend" so we could go on a double date. Two children and a messy relationship/break-up later and my life will never be the same.
Great post! I saw myself in this post as if I was looking in a mirror at the "me" of many years ago.
October 6, 2011 at 2:10 pm
"If you are a woman who loves Jesus, a man who doesn’t love Jesus doesn’t know who you truly are." I can tell you this is true because I lived it, and it devastated me and my marriage. Thank God– literally, I do– that He broke in and changed this man's heart. Because my heart was long gone, and it was the only way to get it back. Thanks for speaking a hard truth, Lauren.
October 6, 2011 at 2:41 pm
This post terrified me for my parents last time I read it, and it still did today. Your comment gave me hope, Tamara. Thank you, and I'm so happy for you!
October 7, 2011 at 4:36 am
Thank you. I'm so glad it gave you hope!
October 7, 2011 at 8:40 am
Girl-this rocked. Every bit of it. I did the same thing and tried to date guys that "almost fit" and now that I am married to a man who loves God more than me, I am shocked I ever thought it could work out otherwise. Praise God for grace
So excited for you and your marriage! This is one of my favorite verses to describe my husband and I's marriage (you can steal it too:)): Song of Solomon 5:16…this is my beloved and this is my friend." How ridiculously awesome.
You rock, again.
October 6, 2011 at 4:03 pm
Thank you so much, Anna!!
October 6, 2011 at 8:49 pm
I loved this post. Super encouraging for my own life.
Thanks Lauren.
October 6, 2011 at 6:40 pm
I have to say that I don't know if I entirely agree with this. I feel like there are so many healthy, functional, loving relationships out there between people who have different beliefs. And what about all those really healthy, happy, functional couples who do not love Jesus equally? What do you say to them? That their love, friendship and companionship isn't blessed by God? I just feel like there is a lot of black and white in this. Christian = healthy, happy. Nonchristian = unhealthy.
I feel like I'm still sorting out a lot in my faith life, and I would never want someone to quit me just because I didn't love Jesus enough. Every person has a journey and a story and to suggest that there is no room for the gray seems to be the anthesis of what this site is designed for. One of the things I really admire about the GWP is the acceptance of the gray matter.
And maybe some would say that I'm just not willing to hear the hard truth. Except I know people who have a brilliant, healthy, functional love who are not in the space place spiritually but accept the other person for who they are.
One final thought: while I think I understand what you're trying to say about being addicted to someone, that jumps out to me as being kind of unhealthy. I don't want to be addicted to anyone. Yes, I want a partner who I can share my life with, including all the good and bad things. But do I want to be addicted to them? Eh. Not so much. Growing up in a household where addictions were prevalent, I am a little weary of being addicted anything, let alone a person who is flawed by nature. To me, that screams unhealthy and co-dependent.
October 6, 2011 at 7:18 pm
You can have a happy relationship with a non-Christian. Definitely. But that's not the kind of happy we're talking about, or the kind of happy we aim for. In a relationship with a non-believer you have to compromise plenty of things. In fact, being in a relationship with a non-believer is already the first compromise. The fact is you cannot have a wholesome, Christ-centered relationship with a non-believer. Same as how Christ cannot be in union with say, a Buddhist Church (Church = community of believers) and so on. His Bride in the Bible is the Christ-centered Church. And that is the gist of it. (Notice how God's ideal for relationships on earth reflects the relationship He has with us)
Christians are called for a Christ-centered life. It's our choice whether or not to heed the call.
October 7, 2011 at 6:37 am
What kind of happy are you talking about? I'm not talking about being happy. I am talking about fulfilling love, challenging and enriching relationships. I'm talking about people I know who are enriched by each other, genuinely. I'm not talking about the nice Christian guy/girl and the sleezy nonChristian trying to corrupt him or her. I am talking about people who haven't figured out themselves yet, who are still growing and learning and questioning their faith and people who are living a life and asking the hard questions together.
And what is the wholesome, Christ centered relationship look like? Praying and church together? Or is it support, love, encouragement, respect, and affection?
I fundamentally disagree with the premise that anyone who is not in a Christ-centered relationship is not capable of having a fulfilling, genuine, healthy and enriching relationship. I disagree because I have seen it with my own eyes.
I appreciate what you're saying, I just think life is more complicated than the black and white argument posed by the author. That is all.
October 7, 2011 at 2:09 pm
Kim, here's my question to you: What do you think is the ultimate goal of a relationship between two people who are of different faiths?
October 9, 2011 at 2:01 am
As for cases where people struggle in their faith, it is advisable to keep things on a platonic level first. Because being in a relationship is very emotionally and psychologically involving – what if things happen and you break up; how will that affect your relationship with that 'stronger' Christian? Or with your faith, Christianity and God in general? While union with non-Christians isn't advisable, there is nothing wrong with loving them as fellow human beings.
I guess by now we can see how much (Godly) wisdom is needed in our personal life… how much self-control. Being in a relationship is really exhilarating but herein lies the hidden danger. I would say – deal with your relationship with God first… then the time will come where you will be spiritually mature and stable enough to be in a healthy relationship. Be blessed and encouraged – God certainly has your best interests in heart.
October 7, 2011 at 11:01 am
Been there. Had to do a lot of praying and thinking about my life one day that changed me for the better. I thought I could depend on a man to make me feel good about myself, and I got hurt a lot. Thanks for your story, it's so nice to see other people who can relate.
God bless. <3
October 6, 2011 at 8:00 pm
Better yet. Article writer, why don't we just stone non-Christians?
Oh, and article writer, Christians have pre-marital sex too, as much if not more than the general population. Look it up yourself. Hell, survey 100 members of your church (assuming they aren't LDS, 7th Dayers or Westboro).
October 7, 2011 at 2:05 am
The thing is, KS – pre-marital sex is against the Christian belief. And we don't believe in Christian people, we believe in Christ. So I'm not exactly sure what you're trying to point out here. If you're saying Christians make mistakes, oh yes we do. We make a whole lot of mistakes. But we know Whom we can turn to for forgiveness and renewal. And it is with these Christian men, who have committed themselves to the beliefs, held themselves accountable for and repented that we Christian girls should anticipate a relationship with.
October 7, 2011 at 6:27 am
And here's the quote from the editor at the beginning of the article:
"Editor’s Note: I wrote this post in June on my own blog. I’ve dated Christians, atheists, agnostics, and everything in between. I thought that chemistry, how he treated me, and his accepting, open-minded personality was enough. I was tired of judgmental, hypocritical, boring Christian men. Thankfully, God stepped in. Last month I married a man who loves Jesus more than he loves me. And I could not be happier. – Lauren"
October 7, 2011 at 11:05 am
Thanks for pointing that out, Sonn (both the quote and your prior post) — it really cleared things up; don't know how I overlooked the quote.
Also, I hope you understand that actions have consequences whether or not your 'god' forgives you/them or not.
October 8, 2011 at 1:04 am
(And assuming they tell the truth).
October 7, 2011 at 2:11 am
Powerful article and I can relate to much of what you've written. It's important to be with someone that you can share your whole self.
October 7, 2011 at 7:17 am
reading this four months ago could have possibly prevented me from making a huge, giant, life-changing mistake. although, the place where i was at (a 'christian' but completely fallen away from an actual relationship with God), i'm not totally sure i would have listened. i was definitely in denial. thank God for opening my eyes before things became even deeper.
thanks for writing!
October 14, 2011 at 6:09 pm
I can testify to this too! Marrying an unbeliever is nothing but heartache and pain, please if anyone is considering this DON'T, IT'S NOT WORTH IT!! I got saved young, I was 15 years old, things were great in the beginning but because I never really knew God, I never understood what wildernesses in my Christian life were and I couldn't understand why (It seemed like God had left me at times) I then started to resent him and thoughts came into my mind that he lied to me, when he said he'd never leave or forsake me! (Please understand, I'm not trying to make excuses for my lack of faith and belief in God, I'm sharing in the hope I can help/prevent someone making the mistakes I've made!) I met someone who wasn't a christian, I wasn't attracted to him (He wasn't my type!) but because I was in such a low broken state & stupidly, I wanted to hurt God for(supposedly forsaking me) I gave into this mans advances and lost my virginity to him(one of my biggest regrets!) I felt sick afterwards & knew what I had done! time went on and I became pregnant.. i still loved the Lord though and thought (in my own wisdom, to save the name of Christ from shame, I'd marry him) I repented and returned to church but I knew God was calling me closer but I wouldn't go, because I wanted my husband to get saved and I found myself looking back (like lots wife) well.. I wished I hadn't and answered the call. Things only got worse! it spiraled down hill from then, (I still felt the shame as well and I wondered if it was in deed God calling me after what I had done, I knew I didn't deserve his mercy and forgiveness!) plus I was deceived into thinking I could sort my own marriage out, as I got myself into this mess.. without God! I pushed God away until I no longer heard or felt his presence, the worse things came upon me spiritually, emotionally & physically. Scriptures haunted me like, those who love the lives will lose it, but those who lose their lives for Christ sake shall gain it..as i was to soon find out! my husband had been cheating on me after 5years of marriage.. (I had 2 toddlers and a new born baby) I was devastated and broken, we split for 1 year. He cried and said he was sorry, so we got back together, had a some counseling from my pastor but then, just last year (after 6-7 years of being back together) I found some sexually explicit emails he had written to his (so called) friend (of many years, who lives over seas) I also found emails to the women he had the affair with, they were laughing and joking about sexual things they did together, when they were having the affair! I was so ready to divorce him but again I sort help and counsel and decided to stay together and were trying to work through our problem but I WISH I could redo this, I have lost sooo much, firstly my intimate relationship with God, that I still don't have back after 11 years of trying, he helps me and has been there for me in many things, but I miss, with all my heart the deep loving relationship I used to have with my Lord & Savoiur, I feel like an outcast, a bastard and a reject, trying to find my way back to him. I have to encourage myself daily hoping he will have mercy on me and let me back in! PLEASE THINK HARD ON THIS, NO ONE OR THING IS WORTH YOU SALVATION!!!
God Bless you, keep you eyes stayed upon the one who is able and willing to keep you from falling and able to present you unspotted and unblemished!
October 22, 2011 at 11:06 am
You have no idea what this means to me. I know it was God that lead me to this, because it was God that put it on your heart to write this. Everything happens for a reason. Some people learn from their own mistakes and some people learn from others. God will not put more on us than we can bare. I just want to encourage you that you can and will have that intimate relationship with God again. It takes time and experiences for him to reveal to us that he's always there and always has been. May God continue to bless you and your family.
January 13, 2012 at 1:43 pm
Thank God for blessing me with this message. I have been struggling to find the right words to say to this guy – who is not a Christian – that I am not interested in a relationship for these VERY reasons! Everything you went through to get to this point has truly been an encouragment to me to be sted fast in my relationship with God and to not travel down the wrong road with a man God has not created for me. THANK YOU!
November 22, 2011 at 3:34 pm
The Lord works in mysterious ways. I was just praying about this two nights ago. Im in a situation that Im allowing myself to be too comfortable in. He's my ex and I know he is not the one, but its easy to go back for a little fun every other six months when I get that "itch" I've been praying for a husband and there is no way that this is the way to go about it. Ive talked to two women who prayed for the same thing and they told me to watch out for those who appear right but just aren't . I needed to read this. This confirms it. This is the third experience I have had since I began praying for a husband. I guess the third time is the charm. Leave him alone and stop the nonsense before it creates a situation where your future will be unattainable and I refuse to settle for less. THANK YOU SO MUCH!
January 13, 2012 at 2:08 pm
I loved what is said about how when your created and made new by God Not one part of you is untouched by your love for Jesus. This is so true!
January 14, 2012 at 1:06 am
This is such a great post. I find myself in a situation where I know he is just not the right one but I want to try to make it work becasue I don't want to come off as shallow but at the end I know that is not what God has for me, it has to be better. So I have made the decision to move foward but it one of those things that I have be very slow and kind in ending it becasue I don't want him to feel like he is not good enough when really that is the isssue. I am looking at the future and if we were to be then, everything would fall on my back just becasue of his current situation and lack of motivation.
January 16, 2012 at 2:08 pm
1john 5:3 this is what the love of god means…Thayer keep his commandments. Jesus commands we preach the good news of Gods kingdom. So if you aren’t out knocking on doors or standing in public areas trying to tell people about that then guess what? Neither you or your boyfriend/husband love God.
January 24, 2012 at 5:50 pm
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Reading this article today was, as my mom would say, "such a God thing."
I've been dating a guy for almost a year now. We're 17. We've both always known we could never be together forever, because he's an atheist. But we were both in denial, in different ways, and now we're graduating and have decided to face facts. He doesn't understand my reasons, and I don't think he ever will. His perspective confused mine, and when I thought about it, I couldn't find any specific reasons we wouldn't work, just vague things I'd heard from other people. It's been tough, especially because we both have strong physical desires, but my virginity is a purposeful, passionate conviction, and his is forced because of my decision and his respect for me. Still, it's a struggle to let him go. I kept asking my Christian friends, "But we truly love each other, he's my best friend, he isn't asking me to change, so why?" All I got was, "Because God says it's wrong!". I came to resent God for that. I've still stuck to my resolution to break up with him next month when we graduate, but reading this makes it easier. That last sentence – that was something I'd never heard before. That completely flipped my perspective. Thank you for that.
May 8, 2012 at 5:52 pm