They Do Exist.

Boundaries: No One Is Above An Affair

Editor’s Note: Today’s post is by Anne Wilson! She tweets at @annemwilson and blogs here. I have to admit, I cringed a little bit reading this. I’m bad with boundaries. I want to trust everyone, love everyone, and think the best of everybody. But I also have seen firsthand boundaries have been conducive to growing MORE love and trust between my husband and I – and isn’t that how it should be? Anne’s post is by no means a list of rules for you to follow, but rather her being open and honest with what she has personally chosen. I encourage you to write down your own little list, for you. – Lauren

Sitting across the table from my friend, Pam, I heard it for the first time.

“I think you need to set some boundaries.”

I had just moved to a new city for an internship and found Pam, a friend from home, was living about an hour from me. I asked her to mentor me and she gladly accepted. So, we met once a month at Starbucks halfway between my home and hers and got to talking, growing, and laughing.

Photo by Laura Pett // Design by Lauren Dubinsky

One Thursday morning, she asked how work was going when I casually mentioned that I had just been to a conference with my co-worker, who happened to be a man. She got a little bit of a nervous look and said,

“Did you drive together?”

To which I casually and confusingly replied, “Well, yes, it was over an hour away, so it would’ve been silly to drive by ourselves.”

“Were you the only ones in the car?”

“Um, yes….”

“Is he married?”

“Yes, why?” At this point I began to clue in in that, I, unknowingly and naively, had crossed a boundary.

She looked at me sympathetically and then launched into the speech. The speech about boundaries in dating, work relationships, and marriage. I would’ve liked to think that I was privy to boundaries. I didn’t hang out with married men or ask them personal questions about their lives. I had no desire for any of the men I worked with, nor did I seek their interest. The very thought of a romantic relationship with any of them made me feel nauseous. So why was I getting a speech like I’m the other woman? Because although I my intentions were pure, no one wakes up to an affair. It is a slow process of boundary-less decisions.

And so, as a single woman, here are some boundaries I adopted:

  • Don’t ride alone in the car with a married man. Even though it’s innocent, car rides can be long and isolated. Inside jokes are created and a deeper form of friendship comes through being alone together. If he’s married, there’s no need for him to have that kind of relationship with any woman except his wife.
  • Don’t be in the office alone with a married man. If there’s only two of us left in the office, one of us needs to leave. Or ask another co-worker to stay. I know this creates an awkward dynamic at first, but once it’s the standard, it becomes second-nature. Even if it’s only because of the pretense of what could be happening and definitely isn’t, it doesn’t matter. It’s worth it the safety-net.
  • If someone who is married begins to complain to me about their spouse, end it immediately. Say it’s inappropriate and that it makes you uncomfortable. If I were to tell my 18-year-old self one thing, it would’ve been that. I listened to far too many wife-bashing stories that I now, as a wife, really regret listening to. They have plenty of male friends they can talk with, and if they don’t, they can find some.
  • Don’t text/IM with a married man unless his wife is present, or I know she could read everything I’m saying without questioning my integrity or intentions.

Because my job lends me to work with more men than women, one of my “boundaries” is to intentionally befriend the wives of men I work with. Not in manipulation, but as a way of reassuring them and allowing them to feel safe and comfortable with me. This actually quickly became a requirement when looking for a potential job. One of my internal “required” questions was, “Could I be friends with his wife? Is she welcoming of me, or threatened by a female’s presence?” If the answer to the last question was yes, I committed to say no to the job. My reason? It’s not worth becoming the target of someone else’s insecurity, if I can help it.

When my husband and I got married, the boundaries changed. As someone who grew up in the home of divorce, it’s entirely worth it. I know neither of my parents said “I do,” thinking someday they would live separately and drop their kids off at each other’s houses.

None of these are 11th Commandments, or necessary for every couple on the planet, but for us, they are agreements we made for the sake of protecting and nurturing our marriage. A wise person told me once that no one is above an affair. And I think they are right. When we become invincible in our minds, we let lies seep in, ignore our intuition that quietly says, “mayday!” and excuse it for self-consciousness. If my heart skips a couple of negative beats before making a decision, that’s the Divine telling me to run. Or the Word becoming flesh in my subconscious. Or the Holy Spirit. All of those are viable options.

And so, as a married person, here are some of our boundaries:

  • No communication with exes, from any stage of life. The heart can be an absolute fool. What happens when you and your spouse are in an argument that’s going on days, you feel under-appreciated and an ex tells you how beautiful and wonderful you are? Only a few more steps into an affair. How many stories have you heard/seen about people who reconnected via Facebook and left their spouse? I’ve heard too many. I doubt any of them were planning to end up in affairs.
  • Never ride alone in the car with someone of the opposite sex. Again, this can be the starting place for an isolated relationship with a man other than my husband. Driving in the car isn’t the danger – rather the togetherness a long car ride can bring. For that matter, the same principle applies–don’t be at work alone with a male co-worker, or vice versa. Scratch that–if you are married, just don’t hang out by yourself with someone of the opposite sex.
  • When it comes to friendships, if you’re a woman, be friends with women. I’m not saying you can’t have male friends. But please don’t be one of the girls that say, “I just can’t get along with women.” Do you know that means you are probably the problem in that equation? I have no doubts that women have hurt you and been cruel. But I also know a lot of great women who encourage and strengthen. So don’t stop at the “I don’t like women,” door; push beyond it and seek out deep, meaningful friendships with other women.
  • Try very hard not to put down (even in a joking way) our spouse around other people. My friend says it this way–when she was pregnant, one of her husband’s co-workers asked, “So, is your wife getting really moody and hard to deal with as her pregnancy ticks on?” Even though in other settings they could all laugh and poke fun at the ridiculousness, her husband gave a short, “Nope, we’re just thankful she’s been able to carry her this long.” I really respect that.
  • Don’t go to bed without saying I’m sorry and/or I love you. In our 2 and 1/2 years of marriage, we’ve had our minor blow-outs. Anyone can tell you–I’m a difficult person (and I’m guessing you are, too!) and so I have my fair share of life to apologize for. Humility and forgiveness has paved such an open dialogue and space for apology.
  • Love each other like crazy. Don’t withhold love, apology, or grace.

If you’re thinking by now that I have surely lost my mind, that I wear jeans up to my bra, and that I haven’t had my hair styled since 1996, you’re wrong. I’m actually kind of cool. I teeter on the edge of hip (can you be hip and use the word “teeter?”). And would you know it? I want a healthy marriage. I wish healthy marriages were written about, talked about, filmed around… but I know why they’re not. They’re boring! Who wants to read a novel about my boundary-filled, healthy life? About a couple making a meal together at night in their home, planning the month’s budget, investing their lives in their jobs, friends, Church, and community…? You’re already falling asleep. But that’s because it’s only boring to the outsider. On the inside, it’s freeing and incredible. Mumford & Sons sings it like this (told you I’m cool):

Love, it will not betray you, dismay or enslave you, it will set you free
Be more like the man you were made to be
There is a design, an alignment, a cry
At my heart you see
The beauty of love as it was made to be
(Sigh No More, Mumford & Sons)

Love sets us free. Free to laugh, cry, dream, give, and receive. In a paranoid, nervous relationship, you are placed in a hopeless cage of anxiety and guilt. Boundaries set you free to love your spouse in a way you can never love anyone else. Trust, loyalty, and promise win out over the flesh. . . and that is something to be celebrated.


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163 Responses

  1. Jackie

    You are so amazing, Anne. Awesome post. I just love you!

    April 12, 2012 at 8:40 am

    • amy

      This mentor calls entirely normal life activities into question. The enemy loves when Christians impress on each other to give up freedom "in case." Pharisees used logical reasoning to prevent stumbling with practical rules too. Get to know your spouse well enough and you'll know what showing them respect looks like in any situation.

      Talking about this with my hubby we agreed how completely peaceful (and grateful) we feel resting in knowing we've only seen our autonomy and freedom result in a stronger marriage. Rules are baggage when loyalty & love are your spouse's character. Nightly I look forward to seeing where his autonomy led him, in whoever's car it may take him in. I benefit from his prerogative over and over.

      God's willing to illuminate and transform all insecurity, jealousy, selfishness, lust, and unhealthy attachments into non-issues before they even have a chance to attach to a temptation. It's the heart not the situation that entraps. No sense deducing potential consequences in completely normal day-to-day experiences and slapping rules on them. For some reason this is attractive in the church. Fear and love do not co-exist. We pay homage to one or the other in our philosophy and responses.

      April 17, 2012 at 11:20 pm

  2. Esmerelda

    Thanks for writing this! :D

    April 12, 2012 at 9:23 am

  3. meganleiann

    Yes! Great post! After some close friends had an affair, my husband and I decided to protect each other with similar boundaries. We also took a vow to never criticize- even jokingly in public. Why let others see a breach in the wall? Unity with God and each other first!

    April 12, 2012 at 10:51 am

  4. Jen

    I love this! These are boundaries I have set my whole life and in my marriage. Also, I was listening to that exact Mumford & Sons song while reading this today so it was weird to see that quote at the end :) Thank you for sharing this!

    April 12, 2012 at 11:03 am

    • wilsonwanderings

      Hah! Go Mumford. :)

      April 12, 2012 at 8:00 pm

      • Saeed.khan

        I.good.woman.with.marry.want.call.me

        February 27, 2014 at 5:51 am

  5. Stable, healthy marriages are only *boring* to us because we have bought into the Hollywood picture (read: illusion) of 24 hour romance and excitement… You are so right, "Boundaries set you free to love your spouse in a way you can never love anyone else " and "NO one is above an affair." The very nature of deception is that you don't know you're being deceived. A popular pastor says, "Boundaries are GUARDRAILS of life." Have any of us ever complained about (or criticized) the guardrails on the highways and cliffs we have traveled? Boundaries keep us safe!
    I recently shared with a very young (single) woman complaining about how *constrained* her life is that FREE is spelled O-B-E-Y. We just have to guard our fragile hearts with all diligence. Great post!

    April 12, 2012 at 11:40 am

    • Pam

      Wow! Your words are beautiful and the analogy of the Guardrails is Excellent!

      October 24, 2012 at 2:00 pm

  6. jen

    as someone who went through an affair last year, looking back it was amazing to me how many tiny decisions added up to one terrible situation… and these are excellent rules.

    April 12, 2012 at 11:43 am

    • wilsonwanderings

      I hope you know grace covers you. Truly. All of us need boundaries because none of us are exempt, and we could all find ourselves in the same situation. Much love.

      April 12, 2012 at 7:47 pm

  7. mzs mayer

    best article for married women yet!

    April 12, 2012 at 11:46 am

    • anonymous

      agreed!!

      April 16, 2012 at 11:30 am

  8. Jess

    This is fantastic and I am so thankful to see someone put into words many of the boundaries my husband and I have set. I think a lot of people might think we are crazy, but we both come from divorced families and past relationships that were not healthy – so it was important for us to understand each others' and our own boundaries from the get go. I am so encouraged by reading this!

    April 12, 2012 at 12:49 pm

    • wilsonwanderings

      I completely understand! I know some people think we're crazy, too, but that's okay. I know every one of these aren't for everyone. Thanks for your encouragement, too. Healthy marriages are possible!

      April 12, 2012 at 7:48 pm

  9. Evelynn

    Thank you for posting this! It made me realize how unaware I am of boundaries. However, I am 19 and single. Do you have any advice for boundaries with my Christian guy friends? Do you think that the same rules as above are applicable?

    April 12, 2012 at 12:58 pm

  10. DanBode

    Very true, and applicable to both sexes! Funny how we tend to avoid talking about boundaries for fear of offending someone by implying that they, or I, might actually need them! Thanks!

    April 12, 2012 at 1:42 pm

  11. I love boundaries. I think it is so important to have boundaries. I think boundaries are important for healthy marriages. But I also think boundaries are important for us to be free to grow, mature, not live in fear, and not become Pharisees in spirit of protecting purity. Sure, we can fall into sin and affair. But focusing on this as Anne does really sets us up for such a shallow sexuality that corresponds with Hollywood and pop Freudian assumptions.
    In Christian spirituality, it is easy to set up rules of separation for false security (thinking of Paul's admonition to the Colossians (“Do not handle! Do not taste! Do not touch!”? These rules, which have to do with things that are all destined to perish with use, are based on merely human commands and teachings. Such regulations indeed have an appearance of wisdom, with their self-imposed worship, their false humility and their harsh treatment of the body, but they lack any value in restraining sensual indulgence" 2:21-23). I would suggest it's a shallow spirituality that relies upon external boundaries such as never ride in alone in a car with a married man. For some, these external rules are wise because they just have a difficult time with maturity. I understand that. I respect that. But to portray those external rules for "good women" or "good men" is a shallow spirituality leaning more towards the spirit of the Pharisees.
    I also think boundaries are important in order for us to be free to stand against those who insist on fear rather than love. It's one thing to know yourself. It's important to know yourself. It's important to know your weaknesses. But really, I am sure plenty of women reading this will be dead sure they will never sleep with their biological brother. Yet, we know this happens. But I am also sure many women reading this would not think twice about being alone with their biological brother. So, if we can be so gullible as the title of the blog, says, what's up with that???

    In the New Testament times, the closest, deepest emotional bonds between men and women were not between husbands and wives but with biological siblings. This is documented by scholars. I would suggest the brother-sister metaphors in the New Testament give us something much more to think about discerning boundaries than this blog post does.

    So looking forward to a conference on the very subject of sacred friendship between men and women this month: http://sacredfriendshipgathering.com/

    April 12, 2012 at 7:54 pm

  12. Married Nomorenaive

    These boundaries MIGHT prevent an affair with a man, but cultivating deep and meaningful, spiritual, friendships with ANYONE can result in physical, sexual connections, if you aren't self-aware and mindful of your own emotional needs/deceptions. It happened to me, with a woman, with whom I thought I was completely safe. Afterwards I was so burned and hurt and damaged that I was fearful to have any friends at all. After six months of hibernation and reconnecting my marriage, my first friendship was with another man. I was too frightened to be friends with women again. He was the key to rediscovering non-sexual love and caring. Now, 7 years on, I have my happy marriage and friends of both sexes without any fear. And I refuse to put into place the rules for relating to non-spouses you have listed above – instead I ask myself the question "What was it about Jesus that made him a SAFE person to be with, a safe person to be intimate with and a safe person that women could talk to alone? That's who I want to be like. That's real, grace-filled, sacred, fearless, friendship.

    ps imagine if the Good Samaritan walked on by because the injured person was a woman and he didn't want to be alone on a donkey with her…

    April 12, 2012 at 8:36 pm

  13. While I'm firmly in favor of boundaries, I think we severely limit ourselves when we only look at the opposite sex as possible sex partners.

    I believe that the Scripture speaks of oneness, not only with our spouses, but with ALL in the Body of Christ. How can I be one with someone if I am constantly on guard in my interactions with them? Truly, I have found that BECAUSE I love my spouse in a way that no one else can touch, I am free to pursue friendships without worrying about what's going on between their legs.

    I look at the Mumford song that you quoted and it says that love frees us. I believe this with all my heart. Perfect love casts out fear, rather than allowing it a prominent place. The more genuine love that we have, for our spouses AND for our friends (male or female), the less we want to do anything to hurt them.

    April 12, 2012 at 9:07 pm

    • Amen! I would say, perfect love casts out fear of out of our marriages and our opposite sex neighbors.

      April 12, 2012 at 9:14 pm

    • I'm with you on that. We can't think of men as people only as sexual beings. I'm all for boundaries – but you can't be a slave to these, and you need to take each situation case by case. I have several male friends (and plenty of female friends too!) who I consider to be my brothers. I help them pick out engagement rings and flowers, I help their fiancées plan weddings, we go out to eat when we're in the same time, etc. I'm friends with their wives too. Yes, when the friends get married the relationship changes. I'm not naive enough to say that it doesn't. However, I feel as though if there is healthy communication between spouses, (telling the other about spending time with a member of the opposite sex, knowing each others friends, etc.), and also knowing for yourself when you're in dangerous territory, it should be ok. I feel like if we discldue men as potential for friendship (or brothers from another mother as I like to say) then we are doing them, and ourselves, a disservice.

      April 16, 2012 at 2:10 pm

  14. Becca

    Hmmm boundaries? It’s nice, but not for everyone. If you succum to temptation easily then maybe this is for you. On the other hand in my personal experience Im on the job by ourselfs 10hours out of the day. Im a paramedic on the road. And I don’t want to cheat on my loved one with him. We share our likes and dislikes, our hardships with our significant ours and it means nothing more then friendship. If you do get tempted and are drivin to cheating on someone then there’s a problem in that relationship. Something is missing that isn’t satisfying you. Did you know: that scientists have found in the male brain a hormon that triggers them to reproduce or mate or in other words cheat. “the science of sexual attraction”. It’s in some men not all just to clarify. They haven’t found it in woman. I do have one question that some of you could probably help me with though. I’ve been dating my current BF for a year and 4 months. He got out of a 12 year relationship that was unhealthy and they were always off and on. She has texted him a couple of times which I can understand you need some closer, but I found a txt convo very short between the two. She was basically stating that she missed him very much and wants him back. He replied with saying that apart of him missed what they had but these kind of convos aren’t good for either one of us. We spoke about it and he said he doesn’t miss her in any romantic way… He said he’ll always be curious to know if she’s doing ok. He said that he would never be happy with her. My fear is if they do talk and build that friendship they’ll fall for each other all over again. What should I do? Should I just see what he does? I cants just tell him to stop… I mean if they are going to talk there’s no stoping someone. Like if someone is going to cheat there’s no stopping them right? Should I be worried? Has anyone had this happen to them? Thank you for reading guys. Would love to hear your opinion.

    April 12, 2012 at 9:07 pm

    • Hannah

      Sounds like he needs boundaries.

      April 15, 2012 at 10:49 pm

    • Riana

      Well, it makes you uncomfortable that he texts her still. Plus, she clearly states that she wants him back. It is more than at a friendship level for her, at least. You need to tell him exactly what you wrote above (and that you are afraid they will get back together). It is disrespectful to you that he is still having conversations with her. He needs to tell her that he cannot communicate with her anymore. Ask him how he would feel if you were texting an ex?

      November 10, 2012 at 7:02 pm

      • avi

        hey can u my frnd

        November 28, 2012 at 1:44 pm

    • Morgan

      As his girlfriend, you can definitely ask him to stop. You're not requesting that he doesn't ever talk to other women, but letting him know that his continuing to be in contact with her makes you uncomfortable. Yes, it's going to have to be his own decision to stop, but if he loves and RESPECTS you, then I think he should try to comply. Good luck! :)

      January 18, 2013 at 2:28 am

  15. Evelynn

    Thank you very much. :) I've been mulling over these questions all day and they have helped me understand some of the things going on in my heart and what I need to do to protect my relationship with my future husband.

    April 13, 2012 at 12:08 am

  16. Katie

    While I agree (as I imagine most do) with boundaries, I take issue with the ones you listed above. What part does trust play? Can you say you truly trust your spouse if you are only free from anxiety by trying to strip out every conceivable temptation? It’s a tough thing to balance and I’m sure the answer is different for all couples, but I agree with someone above that it is extremely limiting to think of the opposite sex objects only and limiting to your spouse to assume any interaction with the opposite sex should be met wih suspicion.

    Thank you for the article – definitely got the wheels turning!

    April 13, 2012 at 9:01 am

  17. Pingback: Love as the Boundary

  18. I have to say it made me a little rage-y. My husband (of 12 years) and I both have lots of friends of both genders. Not only do these people enrich our lives as individuals, they enrich our lives as a couple. To set up boundaries to minimize these (possible) friendships because you are terrified of that an affair might happen only serves to diminish the joyful experience of friendship. Affairs don't "just happen" they are intentional acts of deceit. But I suppose if you can't trust yourself in a situation with a person of the opposite sex – burying your head in the sand and avoiding all possible contact with anyone of the opposite sex is a great idea. If you can't trust yourself or your spouse not to have a conversation with someone of the opposite sex and not have it lead to an affair – you may want to rethink the foundation trust of your relationship.

    April 13, 2012 at 11:14 am

  19. Dan Brennan

    What I find interesting to this common response to "protecting" the marriage is the fear of falling into sexual sin. I have rarely met believers who refuse a raise, salary increase, or a job promotion because it may lead to them missing out on following Christ in his kingdom. Yet, Jesus had some strict words about rich people entering the kingdom. Most third world Christians consider most of us rich. So where is the fear here? Using this kind of boundaries logic, one stands not only in danger of adultery (because they don't know how to relate to the opposite sex except thru romantic impulse) but of missing the beauty of love in the kingdom.

    I do agree, if we can't resist sexual or romantic impulses, we should not be alone with the opposite sex. But to bury our heads into the sand romantic love blind to a greater love, sets up ongoing temptations for spouses not less.

    "But I suppose if you can't trust yourself in a situation with a person of the opposite sex – burying your head in the sand and avoiding all possible contact with anyone of the opposite sex is a great idea

    April 13, 2012 at 11:52 am

  20. Amber J.

    maybe it's because i'm not married but most of these sound like you just don't trust your spouse and are a tad excessive. It isn't as if you'll hop onto any member of the opposite sex once you're alone with them. Most of my friends are of the opposite sex and I'm not attracted to most of them, but it isn't as if I feel compelled to make a move on them because I find them attractive. I feel like if I used these boundaries in my adult life most of my friendships would be damaged beyond repair. It seems wrong but maybe it'll make more sense when I'm older.

    April 13, 2012 at 11:53 am

  21. louisepwo

    I commend the intentions that are behind in setting boundaries however I think it can be dangerous to set such rigid rules for ourselves. I have many married male friends and we have extremely healthy interactions. Every situation needs to be discerned individually and with wisdom.

    April 13, 2012 at 12:20 pm

  22. Megan

    I think the real reason people have affairs is because their needs are not met by their spouse. The key is not to isolate yourself from all other kinds of relationships, but to focus on improving your relationship with your spouse, *even if you think it's already great*. There's always room for improvement in anything, and continually finding new ways to connect with each other can help you through challenging times. Communication, openness, and willingness to hear the other person's side are the keys. If you are willing to tell your spouse that something isn't working for you, and he/she is willing to compromise, then you will never be unhappy enough to sacrifice your marriage by cheating. This goes both ways – you also need to be open to hearing what doesn't work and willing to compromise.
    Lets not make any bones about it – as soon as someone decides to cheat they have decided that those unmet needs are more important than the marriage/family. It is a decision – we are adults and have full control over our actions and responses to tempting situations… but if you are happy in your marriage then you won't ever be really tempted because your needs would already be met at home. It's like food – if you're starving you'll eat whatever you can get your hands on, but if you are satiated with healthy food you won't eat dessert and you won't miss it.
    Sometimes people marry when they shouldn't – sometimes one person's needs are directly opposed to the other person's needs. In a perfect world we would all KNOW, before we married, that the other person could meet our needs and that we could meet theirs, without anyone compromising their true selves. But this isn't a perfect world and people aren't perfect either, and sometimes we just need to let go and admit that the compatibility isn't there. Don't get me wrong – I believe that the vast majority of people who divorce could have tried harder to save a relationship that they once valued so much they chose to commit to it for the rest of their lives. But I also know that in some cases it just isn't possible.
    I know I kind of slid off-topic into divorce, but affairs and divorces are pretty closely related. Both are indications that one or both people in the relationship have decided something else was more important than that relationship. Both can be devastating. And one can cause the other. But I think that if you respect the other person at all, in marriage or dating, you will end it before you begin a romantic relationship with anyone else.

    April 13, 2012 at 4:38 pm

    • Megan, one other side to the "not getting needs met". I totally agree with you. But, I think some folks, guys & girls both, can deal with a "savior complex" of sorts. I know I did when I was single & I can see it is a temptation even now, while I am very happily married. If I see someone who is not getting their needs met, I feel a lot of empathy for them. I recently had these kinds of feelings of empathy for a friend who seemed like he wasn't getting his needs met. Suddenly, I felt like I could be the "other woman". I was totally happy with my husband, though.
      If anyone else deals with the savior complex like I do, be on your guard! Give that back to God. Pray for the person who is not connecting well with their spouse. Don't get between them. Don't be everyone else's counselor. Prayer can move mountains. God may not need you to put your hands into every "mess" you think you see. …I'm preaching to myself! :)

      July 10, 2012 at 7:20 pm

      • Rita

        I totally agree with you. Thank you for the comment.

        December 23, 2012 at 3:23 pm

  23. Pingback: on criticism, trust, and context « wilson wanderings

  24. Amy

    Boundaries are commendable, but the boundaries in the article are not for everyone. I think if you are putting yourself in the position of thinking every opposite connection as a possible affair or sexual partnership makes it a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you think of the opposite sex as human beings with a variety of ways of connecting, you are probably less likely to succumb.

    Sometimes these "boundaries" are just really the pendelum swinging the other way– you're still thinking SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX all the time, just in a negative way that cuts off any relationship that could be a temptation– we need to learn to deal with temptations instead of merely hiding from them because they will exist in other ways outside of just relationships. It's in the media, in the papers, and on the internet, and even in conversations with the same sex. If the opposite sex is viewed as a person instead of a possible sexual connection, it's easier to turn off the TV, recognize the bad images, shut down the conversations, and move on with life.

    April 13, 2012 at 7:45 pm

  25. One of the biggest problems with your boundaries is that in the world of non-Christian employment, some of them would be problematic. Don't be alone in an office with a married man. I work in IT. It is not uncommon for me to be alone with a woman in an office. Sometimes we're alone in a windowless closet. When you're working there's no time for physical involvement.

    April 13, 2012 at 8:24 pm

  26. TerahW

    What an interesting thread and responses. First, as an afterthought, it would have been great for everyone who commented to have added their age because it's pretty sure that our voices about this and opinions are going to change thru the years. (I am 56) I can see just reading the dichotomy of viewpoint that at one time or another I have stood solidly in both camps. It bears noting however, that the suggestions for the boundaries are just that. Suggestions. The real merit here, however one may feel about any one of them, is that she (the author) Has them and that many folks don't recognize the need until after the car goes over the proverbial cliff. Being careful in a hot kitchen is important but that doesn't mean you never go there and so on. One thing I hardly ever hear mentioned in these types of dialogs tho is concern for the "appearance of the gospel". I think the idea in this discussion might be a new consideration. Just sayin'.
    Also, we are Not usually aware of the warning signs of 'danger, danger, Will Robinson' when the idea of trouble is finally upon us–or it's too late. It's the price of hindsight here…looking back we see the myriad of poor excuses, signs we ignored or even lack of real consideration for possibly (Possibly, I said!!) the reputation of the other person. And all of a sudden you are trying to put out a fire with a squirt-gun. I think this is what Anne is trying to address here. The naivete expressed in some responses are a testament to the huge impact that the media can have shaping mentalities…I really appreciated the wisdom of the one young person who understood the possibility of feeling differently about all this when she is older. Excellent! The boundaries can be shaped and arranged (hopefully with prayer and wisdom), tweaked(!) but using them as tools to behave as you decide or choose when the air is clear and the voice of reason strong is the point.
    There is so much more to be said here but let me end with this. Choosing boundaries carefully, executed with decision and poise is probably Not going to hinder any really important relationships. It will most likely 'raise the bar about you in the other fellow/gal's eyes. I think an angry or defensive posture to this article should lead to real soul searching as to the best way to use this tool.
    Godspeed to all. Thanks for the article and the comments. Very interesting.

    April 14, 2012 at 10:17 am

    • FTR, I'm 37 (closer to 38), married for 15 years, mom of 4 kids. My best friend for the past 2 years is a married man. Prior to our friendship, I had been very adamant that I could never have a close male friend, but I am 100% certain that God brought us into this friendship. There's no question about this in my mind.

      Treating my best friend differently because he is male would absolutely hinder our friendship. People have asked me about the difference between having a close friendship with a man and a close friendship with a woman and the real, honest truth is that there's no difference. We're just close. We spend time together, we talk about everything, we eat meals together, we laugh uproariously together, we cry with one another, we pray with one another. We're exactly like all other best friends I have had/currently have.

      I understand that these are Anne's own boundaries, but the use of "you" throughout the piece makes them read like rules, and I take issue with that.

      We have so accepted that friendship between men and women is fraught with danger that we set up boundaries based on what might happen, and continue to perpetuate the idea that close friendship can't happen. When we do that, we get exactly what we plan for, which is tension between men and women instead of honest, genuine friendship. I cannot rectify that with the idea of oneness that is presented over and over in the Scripture.

      April 14, 2012 at 12:04 pm

      • Nina

        Hi Alise,
        Please do not take my comment as judgment on your situation, but I wanted to ask: shouldn't your husband be your best friend? I do believe that the "oneness" you mentioned is strictly for a husband and wife. Yes, the scriptures mention unity of the church because we are one body with one mind and one Lord, but it is a command of God to leave and cleave to the one you marry, not just sexually. I'll admit I'm still young (19 going on 20), but I already feel like I have made many mistakes with boundaries. So often the christian community will "superficialize" relationships with young men and women and only talk about the dangers of sexual hook-ups before marriage. While I agree, I think they miss out on a huge part of pre-marital relationships–the emotions–because regardless of sexual conduct or even lack of sexual activity, cleaving still happens in the heart. I have found the more I reveal myself, my thoughts, my feelings, and a myriad of other "me-ness" to a guy, the more I draw closer to him because in a relationship that is the part of "knowing", and that "knowing" develops closeness. And in marriage, it has always been my understanding that to draw close to my marriage partner I must know him in every way possible. This is the only way that a relationship grows deep, and that for me constitutes the biblical concept of cleaving. I am not against married women having male friends, but I only question the closeness of the relationships with other men who are not your husband. I don't think you get married just to have sex and make babies because anything pre-marital is sin; there is much more depth to the relationship. I think a husband should be your confident, your leader, your supporter, because you are both "heirs together of the grace of life" (1 Peter 3:7).

        Anyway, my 2 cents. Perhaps I am still naive, I do not know. But I do know that the Lord has been teaching me (especially through this blog) that my heart is precious and must be guarded fiercely. I want to give my husband my whole heart, not the parts that are left from what I have already exposed to other guys. I don't want to just be sexually pure; I want to be emotionally pure, that I would run to the arms of no other man except my husband.

        April 15, 2012 at 10:56 pm

        • I will happily admit that when I say "best" friend, that's perhaps not the best descriptor – it's just the best one that I have. My husband is my best friend. My friend Tina is my best friend. And my friend Rich is my best friend.

          No relationship, male or female should come between my husband and me, so we're very transparent about all friendships.

          The oneness in the Church is I think deeper than we realize. Proverbs talks about a friend that sticks closer than a brother. People use the passage from Ruth 1:16-17 in weddings (which is lovely and I wholly support), but that was bond of friendship, not marriage. John 15 talks about friends who lay down their lives for one another – that's a CLOSE friendship. I can't believe that God wants these friendships to matter less because someone is married.

          My question is, if this were a female, would we be having this discussion about oneness? And if not, why is it different because it's a man?

          April 16, 2012 at 10:08 am

          • Devon M.

            I agree with your final statement, well all of it, but especially that one. Never thought of that?

            October 5, 2012 at 1:39 am

          • Not Naiive

            I had the same argument. You speak of all these bonding interactions with this male best friend, my husband truly is my best friend. He is the one I share my innermost and most joyous interactions. I see that you clarified and that makes better sense to me and my own personal feeling on the issue. I had always had good male friends also, but having male friends, as I'm sure you know, can often lead in other directions that are completely unintended. One becomes attracted either physically or emotionally and it can snowball into something not so pure. I won't go as far as to divide sexes on it because these days same-sex relationship are prevalent. I did have a female best friend and I found myself interacting with her for more of the "girl things". Girl talk, girl time, getting nails done, talking about men and how silly they are. I, however, don't need that male interaction as that is something my husband fulfills as my best friend. People are simply different.

            December 13, 2012 at 3:51 pm

        • Hi Nina
          I hope you don't mind me jumping in and giving another perspective. Wanting to be sexually pure is an excellent goal. However, being emotionally pure is a little confusing to me. If I understand your view of emotional purity, you only want to "give your heart" to one man. Here's the thing, with different friends you will be building different relationships. My relationship with my wife is very close. I have two other female friends that I am also close with. Although I could call them best friends, they occupy a different type of relationship than I have with my wife. Does my wife know of my friendships? Very much so. Does she approve Yes. We trust each other. My wife has also had male friends over the years.

          Here's the thing. We are enhanced by our friendships. Both of my female friendships allow for growth, learning, fun, and enjoyment that my wife can't provide. No one person can be your be all and end all. To expect that any one person can provide you with 24/7 exclusive attention is foolhardy.

          One of the great mistakes I made when I was younger was to see every woman as a potential mate (until I got married). The friendships that I could have had are lost. I now understand the importance of those relationships and miss some of them very much.

          I am 54 years old and will be married 29 years as of May 1.

          April 16, 2012 at 9:12 pm

          • Nina

            Hi Alise and Steve,
            Thank you for the clarification and perspective. I think our concept of best friends are different and that may have triggered confusion.
            I love my guy friends; like you said, friendships with the opposite sex are fun and enhancing at the same time. For me, however, "best friend" means confident, and even if I'm wrong, I don't believe the opposite sex should ever be the sole confident of my secrets, my hurts, and my struggles. I've sort of already made that mistake and I can't help but feel "trampled on", in a sense. Both that guy friend has specified that he only sees me as a friend, and the same goes for me, yet whenever he calls and prays with me I feel emotionally played. There are men that I will occasionally chat with and have deep, meaningful conversations that are edifying, and with that I am fine. But at least for me, the line is drawn once that guy calls every night and prays with me because there is a deeper emotional connection developed there than if I were just talking in person with another guy.

            I'm certainly not against married folks having close friends of the opposite sex; there must be a level of trust between a couple because the relationship is built on love for each other, not fear. I've seen friendships like this in the church and they are both exciting, fun, and still edifying. Perhaps for me I just feel betrayed with the notion that a guy friend with no stated intentions of courtship would get that far into my heart through late night discussions on the phone and what not. I'm all for discussion and occasional heart-to-hearts when it is appropriate, but something about this has left me with a sour taste in my mouth and an ache I can't quite discern.

            If I may ask, what is the extent of your friendships with the opposite sex? What are the things you find appropriate to talk about, the things you will not talk about, the things you are ok with doing with them in the trust of your spouse and your own personal boundaries?

            April 17, 2012 at 3:01 pm

          • Hi Nina
            I need to explain the context of the relationships. One is a former co-worker. We get together every couple of months and talk about things in general. Sometimes work, sometimes family. We both work in IT for different school districts, hence sometimes the conversation is more technical. We do, on occasion, have more serious conversations about our respective families.

            The other friend is a little more involved. About six years ago, I was extremely ill. I had liver disease due to an auto immune problem. During the time that I was in the hospital awaiting a transplant I got to know several doctors. One of the doctors, a woman, would sit and talk with me for extended periods of time. Unlike the other doctors, she talked about things other than me. In the hospital, there's a tendency for medical people to talk with patients about their disease and almost nothing else. This other doctor spoke about her children, her hopes and dreams, religion (she's Jewish married to a Roman Catholic). After the transplant, she became my doctor and a friend. Our conversations are all over the place. Sometimes we talk about work, sometimes family, sometimes life. She is like a sister to me. We speak by phone an average of once a week. We go out to lunch a couple of times a year. My wife does know her and on occasion also has lunch and talks with her on the phone.

            April 19, 2012 at 9:48 pm

          • woah. great stuff, standing to your point besides a barrage of different opinions. I completely agree with your point. For me, female friends were some of my close friends and "only friends." But as time went on, i realized that the emotional attachments i was forming with them where not "healthy and godly." I took a step of faith to downgrade the intensity of my relationships with the opposite sex, this was not easy, at that time they were my only friends. I don't ignore them, they are still my friends but not "close friends." That place, of emotional intimacy is going to be for my wife only. Godly jealousy as exemplified by God's jealousy and longing for our undivided attention is right. I have experienced first hand, and observed at Christian Union and church how intense emotional relationships between two sexes who don't plan to marry have a negative consequences of variable degrees on one partener or both of them in the long term. I think if you asked them later would they have been friends with the other person, i think they will say yes but they would have set boundaries.

            April 25, 2012 at 4:57 pm

  27. I agree with your boundaries 100%. So glad I am not the only one out there who lives them . . . Just wishing my husband believed in them, too. If he did, many years of hurt and insecurity could have been avoided.

    April 14, 2012 at 12:19 pm

  28. 53 years old. Been on both sides, in both camps (wrote a book on the subject: Sacred Unions, Sacred Passions). Also sponsoring a conference at the end of this month on the subject of friendship between men and women from a Christian perspective ( .http://sacredfriendshipgathering.com) in Chicago.

    I am all for a deeper, richer conversation about boundaries. I respect Anne's boundaries as suggestions. However, what I have encountered in some circles is an entrenched fear for Christian men and women to explore what flourishing intimacy/friendship looks like between the sexes. And while Anne presents these as suggestions for her own story, how she portrays the wisdom of staying segregated is typical of those look at wisdom from only one angle: fear.

    I think there needs to be a deeper conversation about what does the Gospel about men and women flourishing. Truly, there is much in the Gospel story for men, women, unity, and love not only within marriage but beyond. If we are going to have a conversation about boundaries setting us free to love we also need a deeper conversation about boundaries setting us free to love beyond fear of being alone with the opposite sex. If Anne had presented a deep vision of freedom on how boundaries may help us in nurturing love in marriages alongside deep vision of freedom for deep, meaningful friendships with the opposite sex, there might have been a richer understanding of love setting us free. The tendency for some is to restrict a Gospel flourishing to a circle-around-the wagons for marriage only.

    April 14, 2012 at 12:22 pm

  29. thank God that jesus didn't follow these rules.

    can i offer another point of view from personal experience? i was once at a very small christian retreat where one of the men (married) pointedly avoided conversation or interaction with me, though the retreat was so small it necessitated some amount of interaction with all of the participants. i was in no way attracted to this man, in my mind he was a brother in christ. but as a single attractive woman i was deemed a threat. being objectified hurts.

    April 15, 2012 at 7:02 pm

    • Debra

      I've experienced the same dynamic – men in church acting like you're the plague or being overly distant. Whereas men 'in the world' at least treat you like a human being…it's very isolating. We also had rules like not riding w/men in a car but it just reinforced my fear of the opposite sex.

      I think these rules CAN be useful when you are in an ongoing, prolonged situation w/a co-worker of the opposite sex where there is isolation and emotional vulnerability.

      January 7, 2013 at 1:02 pm

  30. i would also like to add, the post does suggest that the list is not a personal list for the author, but that it is the list for all to follow. her conversations with her mentor suggests pretty strongly that boundaries are not subjective but are universal.

    “Were you the only ones in the car?”
    “Um, yes….”
    “Is he married?”
    “Yes, why?” At this point I began to clue in in that, I, unknowingly and naively, had crossed a boundary.

    April 15, 2012 at 10:14 pm

    • Jordana

      that's what the editor's note is for. and in this part of the article as well:

      "None of these are 11th Commandments, or necessary for every couple on the planet, but for us, they are agreements we made for the sake of protecting and nurturing our marriage"

      she's promoting boundaries for sure, but the specific ones listed are for her and her husband.

      April 16, 2012 at 12:54 pm

      • Katie

        I know she states that, but the use of 'you' after all the commandments sure made it feel like they were for the reader. My husband and I both have really great friendships with the opposite sex. Time and time again, I have to defend these relationships to my christian friends. I had a friend that I had to distance myself from (a female) because she constantly talked about how disrespectful my husband was by having female friends. In reality, he doesn't hang out with them by himself all that often and nothing inappropriate ever happens. They might have been his friends when we first met, but his female friends and I are now really close as well. Am I supposed to be upset when a female from his class texts him a question about an assignment? No, that's absurd and places shame and guilt on both that female and my husband when none is deserved. My boss and I regularly meet in his office alone and yet nothing has ever been inappropriate. I feel that these boundaries listed create a sense of distrust and shame/guilt for something that isn't there. It also perpetuates insecurities. Instead of making a list of commandments or rules of how we can relate to the opposite sex, I think I will create a list of ways in which we actively reaffirm our love to one another on a daily basis. I trust him to sense when a relationship is inappropriate and to then take steps to protect himself and me.

        April 16, 2012 at 6:55 pm

        • Yes, I agree, Katie with your observation about the rhetoric and how the reader is supposed to take this. I wonder, about the bias of the editor. Clearly, several commenters have disagreed with the editor's judgement.

          April 16, 2012 at 7:50 pm

  31. Katie

    I know she states that, but the use of 'you' after all the commandments sure made it feel like they were for the reader. My husband and I both have really great friendships with the opposite sex. Time and time again, I have to defend these relationships to my christian friends. I had a friend that I had to distance myself from (a female) because she constantly talked about how disrespectful my husband was by having female friends. In reality, he doesn't hang out with them by himself all that often and nothing inappropriate ever happens. They might have been his friends when we first met, but his female friends and I are now really close as well. Am I supposed to be upset when a female from his class texts him a question about an assignment? No, that's absurd and places shame and guilt on both that female and my husband when none is deserved. My boss and I regularly meet in his office alone and yet nothing has ever been inappropriate. I feel that these boundaries listed create a sense of distrust and shame/guilt for something that isn't there. It also perpetuates insecurities. Instead of making a list of commandments or rules of how we can relate to the opposite sex, I think I will create a list of ways in which we actively reaffirm our love to one another on a daily basis. I trust him to sense when a relationship is inappropriate and to then take steps to protect himself and me

    April 16, 2012 at 4:59 pm

  32. "Slow process of boundry-less decisions." From a woman who had an affair 10 years into her marriage and from a woman who found out recently that her husband had an affair 9 years into that same marriage I say in my best congregation voice "PREACH SISTER PREACH!" You my dear are a very very wise woman and I know for a fact that this post caused knots in your stomach yet you pressed forth with your courageous heart! So many marriages can be saved from swimming in the deep dark waters my husband and I swam in and walking that long dusty road we traveled upon. Your post for me is one of those "If only" moments in my life. If only we had seen the importance of boundary setting, healthy boundary setting I wouldn't have laid naked on the floor of my shower screaming in torment after hearing of his affair. My husband would not have laid in the fetal position screaming and crying as a hopeless child unable to deal with his own pain. I praise God that I can tell you that we have been married 18 years now and that we fought for the marriage we now have. But we know we are rare…oh, if people could only get what you have said above and adopt the stated boundaries as gospel truth. Bless you for your heart to share! Keep telling this story! I write about the journey I speak of on my blog. "Clothed in Grace" and "Dying To Be Loved" tells it best

    April 16, 2012 at 6:45 pm

    • wilsonwanderings

      Kari, I so empathize with you. I, too, have been objectified and I do not think that is loving or even necessary. I am so sorry for that.

      Jennifer, Thanks so much for sharing from your personal experience. I think all of us enter this conversation with experience we cannot extract or hide, which makes it all the more complex. I, too, enter this from the perspective of someone living under a microscope as well as growing up in the aftermath.

      Much love to you both.

      April 17, 2012 at 10:53 am

  33. Like so much in the Christian life, it's a careful, but often difficult balance: I believe those boundaries must be set by being honest with ourselves before God, and not making excuses for our sin; often easier said than done, but should always be our goal. The Lord knows each of our motives, and he is the one we have to answer to: "The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.” (1 Samuel 16:7)

    April 16, 2012 at 7:38 pm

  34. My heart goes out to Jennifer Upton. I hear the pain and anguish. If anything, the comments to Anne's post shows some very deep differences from across the spectrum on this issue. It has stirred some deep, intense emotions from all sides as is evidenced from comments. Some of us have been hurt by deeply by betrayal. Others have been hurt by Christians imposing "wise" boundaries as if abuse of boundaries means we can't ever grow to healthy, flourishing relationships between men and women within marriage and beyond. I think one thing is clear from these comments is that the subject of boundaries between men and women in marriage and community is a complex conversation. There is no monolithic, one-size-fits-all martial sexuality among Christians as these comments have revealed.

    April 16, 2012 at 7:39 pm

  35. I am 57 years old. I have been married 35 years, and have had many good opposite gender friendships. I have never been anywhere near having an affair (nor has my husband) — nor was I close to "going too far" before we were married either. I would not want to be alone in a private place with a man I did not know and trust, common sense says I need to protect myself, and we all know that there are predators in this world, but with men I know and trust, I have never had a problem. I grew up in an all girl family, and those guys are my brothers. I also have studied in areas that are strongly male-dominated (as a mature age student) sometimes I was the only woman in the class (which would have terrified me at 20, but at fifty I didn't turn a hair). My life would be so much poorer without male friends — their friendship and acceptance has mended places inside me that were wounded from male rejection in childhood (issues that were not sexual) and they are also mostly the only people with whom I can have those deep discussions about subjects which neither my husband nor female friends have any interest.

    My advice (for what it's worth) is that each of us needs to be really honest with ourselves. What are our temptations? What are our unmet needs? What are we giving and receiving in various scenarios? How were we brought up to view the opposite sex? (some people see the opposite sex primarily as people to be flirted with and judged on how exciting they might be, others see them just as people and wouldn't even know how to flirt, or want to) We all have boundaries in different places — some of us have internal ones, some of us have external ones — neither are better or worse — let's be slow to judge the ones who handle their freedom in Christ in a way that wouldn't work for ourselves.

    April 16, 2012 at 9:22 pm

    • wilsonwanderings

      I agree with you 100%. I think your questions are the best place to start in our pursuit of loving ourselves, our spouses, and our brothers and sisters well. Thanks for your thoughtful (and graceful) comment!

      April 17, 2012 at 10:28 am

  36. Amy

    Wow! What a great conversation.

    I’m 35, been very happily married 14 years & have 3 kids.

    I have many close friendships, male and female, beyond the special marital friendship I have with my husband. I share deeply, laugh, spend time alone, eat, work, and go for long walks with all of them. Each friend is valuable and irreplaceable to me. Precisely because I love them, and know them, I also I know that I could never replace any of them – and that includes my husband.

    Very simply put: Allowing myself to truly know others, truly love them in a way that puts their best interest at heart has illuminanated the reality of everyones uniqueness in this world. I love my friends deeply, and this experience of knowing and loving has cemented in my mind even more how unique and irreplaceable my husband is, and our marriage relationship is.

    The friends I trust are the ones In which we hold each others best interests at heart – male or female. They are the ones that reflect back to me, making me a better friend, parent, and spouse. I would be a different person without them, no doubt in my mind that my marriage is stronger because of them.

    Boundaries are needed, I’m a fan. And I agree, if you can’t trust yourself to be alone with the opposite sex, or if you can’t trust a member of the opposite sex to be alone with you – then by all means, draw hard lines. I certainly wouldn’t be alone with someone who would sexualized me to that degree.

    That’s why I’m so thankful for the men in my life who I can trust. They are like brothers to me, always watching out, always have my back. It’s good to have brothers. I feel lucky to have found safe men.

    April 17, 2012 at 12:15 am

  37. B.Rose

    I admire boundaries that set up a healthy lifestyle. However, I find it patently ridiculous to say that we should not ride in cars with those of the opposite sex, or be alone with them in an office. As an adult who is capable of monitoring my own emotions, I think I am perfectly able to be in a car traveling with a coworker or acquaintance and not cross inappropriate boundaries. Where the boundaries need to be set is in our hearts and minds and how we speak, not a juvenile standard akin to leaving a shoe in the door when you’re in a room with a boy. I think this bizarre requirement that you never be alone with the opposite gender both infantilizes and hampers us as humans.

    April 17, 2012 at 2:45 am

  38. Lizzy

    And what about same-sex couples?

    April 17, 2012 at 11:37 am

  39. katie holley

    i think it's really important to note that not all boundaries are universal. boundaries are the line where i end and someone else begins. when i let someone cross one of my boundaries, i'm letting them step in to fill a need they weren't designed to fill. what that looks like for you is different than what it looks like for Anne. you are the only one who can decide what that line is for yourself, and when you're in a relationship, agreements need to be made about what boundaries will be set for the health of the relationship. to point out that Anne's list here is 'bizarre' is to say that you feel she's laying out a mandate, rather than sharing personal examples.

    it might be equally as important to note that boundaries built out of fear aren't really boundaries. boundaries should be built out of a desire for health, because they *bring* health!

    April 17, 2012 at 2:21 pm

    • Not Naiive

      Perfectly said!!

      December 13, 2012 at 3:57 pm

  40. Just stumbled on to your blog. But excellent, post. Great content. Wonderful advice. As a minister, I can attest to those who never thought they would have an affair, but fall into that temptation. Thanks for sharing.

    April 18, 2012 at 8:00 am

  41. What an outstanding post. Each blog entry from The Good Women Project blows me away. Outstanding ministry!

    April 27, 2012 at 5:15 pm

  42. Libby

    Are you kidding me? A friend posted this article and I just had to read it to see just how stupid it is. Try working in law enforcement. Never be alone in the office, car, etc. really? Just tell me how that is supposed to work. 20 years on the job, 15 years of marriage, 3 kids, and damn. I’ve managed to not sleep with, kiss, fall in love with with, lust over, one darn male co-worker. But guess what I did do? Make friends with a lot of men!!! I’m gonna burn in hell!!!!!!!! Ugh. Get a life and quit telling others how to live in a shell. You either walk the walk or you don’t. And if you can’t trust yourself, don’t pretend to offer others advice that you only need to give yourself.

    May 22, 2012 at 11:16 pm

  43. I know I am late to the party on this blog post. But, I wanted to say, I appreciate this conversation immensely.
    I think two things are huge in this discussion
    - watering your own grass. Keep being diligent to keep your love thriving.
    & being terribly honest with yourself & your interactions with others of the opposite sex.
    It is so true that no one just wakes up in an affair. And, no one is above an affair.
    My husband & I are so happy & totally love each other.
    I can interact comfortably with guys. I can see my husband is comfortable with female interaction also.
    But, neither one of us would be okay with the other having a friend of the opposite sex who is a confidant. That creates a problem. I have a guy friend who has asked me to confide in him on multiple occasions. I will not do it. Why should I? My husband & I are one. I confide in my husband.
    About being terribly honest with yourself. This must be done, whatever your physical boundaries are. You must have boundaries on your heart. And you must be aware of what is going on in there. We can't counterattack the lies with truth, if we won't even admit to entertaining the misplaced feelings in the first place.

    July 10, 2012 at 6:25 pm

  44. Priscilla

    I really appreciate your conviction Anne! And I'm proud of you. Ive recently faced something I never imagined. My father, after 30 yrs of faithful marriage to my mom seeking out inapprpriate relationships with women. After years of disrespecting my mom's wishes she is now left to decide to live with it or leave. This is a man that practiced your suggested boundaries the first 25 yrs of their marriage and at some point fell prey
    to temptations.

    We are never above temptation. It's not abt insecurity or fear. It's about "love always protects". Thanks for sharing.

    July 25, 2012 at 10:31 pm

  45. guest

    As a traveling executive I find this ridiculous. It creates a logistical and financial nightmare in renting separate cars, location of seats on the plane, location of hotel rooms, etc. And as for working alone in the office together? Really? Here's a clue. I'm working. I'm not interested in your husband/boyfriend. If he will wander from his wife/girlfriend he will wander from me. I've always viewed it as rather insulting when wives treat me as the single vixen and rather arrogant to think I'd want to steal her man. I should be your best friend, because I will be the first one to spot your husband's wanderlust and convince him to back away from the edge (not only is it immoral, it's bad for business). Ask yourself what the thought process has in affecting the single women and men. Over 50% of people in the US are single and isolated. They eat alone, sleep alone, shop alone and now you want them to work alone? Tomorrow, I am making plans for going to lunch with your husband where we will discuss Profit & Loss Statements and the next Board meeting. Good Grief.

    August 8, 2012 at 7:51 pm

  46. nina

    i don't know i am perfectly comfortable and secure enough in my marriage that i agreed to having a threesome with my husband both of us agreed and we trust eachother!! maybe thats evil i'm not sure but what i do know is that i really believe that men have an inborn need for variety amongst other things as do women , the problem is when its onesided and the favor is not returned!! kings of biblical time had concubines but only one queen!! like king david had numerous women/wives but only one queen she had say and control!! i wonder if that makes a difference!!

    September 1, 2012 at 5:11 pm

  47. Patrick

    Hi am patrick 31yrs single i lot my girlfriend been lonely i praying to god should give a honest woman so am searching for a from 26-56 she check/ me on facebook type patrick utin thank u

    September 11, 2012 at 5:43 am

  48. sonyasagry

    Good for you girl! Trust me, break it off now! It will hurt like hell but it can hurt like hell now or it can hurt like hell later, either way it is going to hurt! Might as well break it off now before you waste anymore time on this married man. He may send you flowers, candy, call you baby, tell you he loves you, makes future plans with you, plans trips with you, talks about moving in with you, goes apartment shopping for you, opens a separate bank account, etc. All these things my MM did, by the way. A lot of people will tell you he lied to you, some of them do, but some of them get caught up in the moment, like you do. They aren't just lying to you, they are lying to themselves. They are living the fantasy, as you are, and you are eating it up. But that doesn't make it RIGHT! ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS and until he is already moved out with divorce papers in his hands, don't believe him! Don't waste your time ladies, if he hasn't left her by now, he won't leave her. And if you go tell his wife that he has been messing around, she doesn't always kick him out and that can backfire. I say TELL HER! His wife deserves to know, and then run…run far away. Make smart decisions and be strong ladies…you will get through it, I promise. It hurts now but you will get over it. Just learn from it and never ever date a married man again…EVER! Only 3% of men end up leaving their wife for the other woman. Trust me if he hasn't done it by now, he ain't doing it. You have a better chance of winning the lottery & trust me, he is no lottery to be won. Check out a 12 step program for love/romance/relationship addicts. Google it. If you are with a married man, you are most likely an love addict. You have to go through the storm before you see the rainbow and trust me ladies, BE STRONG, LET GO, MOVE ON…there is a rainbow!

    September 18, 2012 at 6:35 am

  49. Devon M.

    This post took me by surprise. I first want to say that I found this post tonight while looking for some Godly advice on the subject of "men and women being alone together when one or both or married".

    I began to search the internet for things like "what does the bible say about men and women being alone together" because earlier today my husband and I got into an argument. We are currently separated and live over an hour away. I have been having some car troubles and today is began to rain heavily. Since I am a full time student I have been getting rides to and from school from friends.

    Today my friend whom I will call Mike offered to give me a ride home. I of course said yes because he is my friend and I needed a ride home. Before I left school I texted my husband saying that I would call him when I got home and that I loved him.

    When I got home I called him just as I promised and began the conversation with "Hey Babe, You wouldn't believe how horrible the weather is outside! I took a video it! it took Mike an extra 10 minutes. . ." well my husband stopped me there and question me on who drove me home. I told him it was Mike and and he asked who this guy was. He went on to question why I would even be alone with another man?

    I was PISSED!!!! and I hung up. And we argued via text for hours. Finally I just went online and typed in my previous search request and this article was the first to come up. I thought that this article made a lot of sense. I found it so enlightening and humbling.

    I called my husband at midnight and had to gracefully apologize to him. I was very wrong for insisting that I have whatever male friends I wanted among many other things. I have been in situations where those male friends have become my outlet when my husband and I have had issues and I now see how wrong, dangerous, and scary that all is.

    Thank You for this article.

    October 5, 2012 at 1:30 am

  50. Financial Blogger Conference is a great platform for people to share their views. As far as the fear of crowd goes, we all experience the same emotions. Just take some deep breaths and concentrate what you’re saying.

    October 11, 2012 at 8:23 am

  51. Heather

    I know I'm late to the party but I can't help but comment. I am 38 and have been married for 8 years. I know some couples who have the same boundaries that Anne proposes, and I don't have any less respect for them because of these boundaries. (Because communication and honesty and avoiding temptation are important!) My husband and I set different boundaries for our marriage (after a good, honest, and actually fun conversation about what was important/reasonable to us.) I'll share what we've come up with but only as a "what works for us" not necessarily as a guideline for other couples. Just as background: we have many common interests but also some separate interests (sports for him, and sci-fi and opera for me) that we don't share with each other, so we do have some friends of both sexes that we like to talk to about these interests. Although we live together(!), we go off to work in opposite directions (more than an hour apart).

    Our "boundaries":
    1. Going to lunch in a public place with an opposite sex friend or co-worker, especially if you want to talk about sports or Dr. Who, is perfectly acceptable.
    2. Going out to fancy dinner or for a drink alone with an opposite-sex friend or co-worker… pass on that. (Unless my hubby's traveling out of town with a female co-worker and there's no one else to have dinner with, and it's a casual, well-lit place. This happens once every few years and I've never been given cause for concern.)
    3. Driving in a car alone with some-one of the opposite sex… not a problem. (When my hubby had eye-surgery and wasn't able to drive for a month, a female co-worker gave him a ride to/from the office. I never had cause for concern and I appreciated her "I'm going in the same direction" offer because it saved me an extra 3 hours of driving every day, although I totally would have driven an extra 3+ hours if my husband had wanted me to.)
    4. Hugging opposite-sex friends upon greeting or parting… not a problem. (We're both huggers. When we had this discussion we did a lot of "practice hugging" to define what type/length of hug would be considered an "acceptable friendly hug" and what would be considered a "I'd-have-a-problem-with-that hug". This of course led to sex and the "you'd better never do *that* with any of your friends" clarification.
    5. Kissing opposite-sex friends upon greeting or parting… no problem if it's a cheek-kiss with family friends who are our parents' ages. And we totally demonstrated acceptable and non-acceptable kisses to each other.
    6. Calling, emailing, texting or private-messaging opposite-sex friends we've never dated… not a problem.
    7. Calling, emailing, texting or private-messaging opposite-sex friends we have dated in the past… OK if there's a good reason and it's done with each other's knowledge/approval & the friend in question knows it . (This has come up, once for each of us, with exes who were also good friends. It was a limited-time, for a specific reason thing.)

    October 18, 2012 at 1:39 am

  52. Heather

    8. Sharing a concern about each other's general health, workload, non-private topic with a close opposite-sex friend is perfectly OK (i.e. "I feel so bad for him, he's worked 60+ hours this week and I hope he doesn't catch the cold that's going around"); complaining about each other to, or sharing private information with, a friend of any sex (i.e. "I am pissed that he's been working so much this week that we haven't even had sex and he'll probably give me his stupid office cold when we finally do.")… is a sign that we should be communicating more with each other & less with our friends
    9. Discussing of our sex life, anatomical measurements, etc. with opposite-sex friends is never OK.
    10. My husband would be fine if I went to a sci-fi, horror movie, or opera with one of my male friends. I never have since we've been married (mostly out of respect for the feelings of my male friends' girlfriends/wives) but he would be OK if I did.
    11. I would be fine if my husband went to a sporting event, sports movie, or some other movie that I didn't want to see with one of his female friends. He hasn't since we've been married, but I would be OK if he did.
    12. Disney movies & any movies seen at a drive-in are never OK with anyone else, because those are *our* "date" movies.
    13. My husband's close female friend whom he's known for 30 years, (he is her son's godfather), is implicitly & explicitly trusted in pretty much any situation involving my husband. Seriously, they could share the same bed in a hotel room and I wouldn't be worried… not that it's ever come up, but that's the level of trust I have with both of them based on my knowledge of them & their friendship. If I found them showering naked together, then I might want an explanation.
    14. Any conversation/activity with/obsessive thought about an opposite-sex friend that we'd be uncomfortable with our spouse & Jesus listening to/watching/knowing about… is a bad idea, but if it ever comes up, we've promise to talk about it with each other & try to work through it in a forgiving way.

    Since we haven't had any issues with infidelity (yet, and please God, never), it's probably easier for us to be light-hearted or silly about some of these things than it would be for a couple struggling with trust and betrayal. But we don't take the issue, or our marriage, lightly.

    And probably no one's going to read all this, but I've just enjoyed writing it (and thinking about my sweet husband, since he's still at work and he will probably put in 60+ hours this week and catch a cold, my poor love).

    October 18, 2012 at 1:40 am

  53. Amy

    I was dating a man for almost twelve years and was rather ignorant talkingto the fact that he was regularly talking to his MARRIED x- lover. They even discussed things about me that hurt deeply and I heard her message on his answering machine and she said, “Don’t let that crazy woman know I called”…….. He claims there’s nothing wrong with talking to her and her husband, (now on her second marriage) doesn’t mind. Then why does she call usually LATE AT NIGHT? If there’s nothing wrong with it THEN WHY DID HE ALWAYS TRY TO HIDE WHEN SHE CALLED?? He said he did that because of the way I overreacted and got all hysterical. Well, I think any woman would feel the same as I did about the phone affair.I am broken inside about it. For about the last year she has had my phone number and has called me. I have fasted and prayed about it all to utter physical and mental exhaustion. I know somewhere deep inside him there is a whisper of the Holy Spirit that he has muffled over that used to tell him this is WRONG now I’m praying for the Holy Spirit to awaken in him and humble his strong prideful ego and LISTEN.

    October 18, 2012 at 4:24 pm

  54. connie

    i just want to share my experience and testimony here.. i was married for 6 years to my husband and all of a sudden, another woman came into the picture.. he started hailing me and he was abusive..but i still loved him with all my heart and wanted him at all cost?then he filed for divorce..my whole life was turning apart and i didn't know what to do..he moved out of the house and abandoned the kids.. so someone told me about trying spiritual means to get my husband back and introduced me to a spell caster?so i decided to try it reluctantly..although i didn't believe in all those things? then when he did the special prayers and spell, after 2days, my husband came back and was pleading..he had realized his mistakes..i just couldn't believe it.. anyways we are back together now and we are happy..in case anyone needs this man, his email address prophetsalifu@gmail.com, his spells is for a better life. again his email is prophetsalifu@yahoo.com

    November 5, 2012 at 5:34 am

  55. michelle2302

    I loved this article. I am really struggling with my husband over this issue. He is friends with nearly only women. They call, text, and email each other. They turn to him for advice and he takes our maritial problems to them. There are at least 10 women in his life right now. He works alone in a secluded office with young pretty girls that he has hired against my wishes. One has even titled herself my Sister Wife. He has had a woman and her child over to watch movies together at night, without me there. He has struggled with staying faithful in all of his adult relationships, even ours at the beginning.

    November 6, 2012 at 12:51 pm

  56. michelle2302

    For me, I have always wanted to live without the "appearance of evil". He does not understand this or value this. I ask him what others must think when he has pictures of him hugging other women on his facebook. When we make plans with other families, he always calls the wife, never the husband. I just feel that it is improper and no matter how much I try to trust, all of this behavior makes it impossible. Do I think he is having an affair with any of these women? Probably not….yet. But having women to turn to for comfort and adoration has shown me the greatest disrespect. I only pray that he would find boundaries like this, if only to prove to me that he is a man of honor.

    November 6, 2012 at 12:51 pm

  57. Brooklyn

    I met a married man (I am single) about a month ago. We met at a gym where we both live. We just started talking about exercise, losing weight, living where we live, children, etc. He never once mentioned that he was married. I saw that he had a ring on his left ring finger so I just assumed he was married. About 2 weeks after talking to him, he started flirting with me…telling me I was attractive, etc. The sad part was that I found myself attracted to him. I confronted him about him being married and he said that he was unhappy. I told him that nothing could happen between us because he was married. If he was single, then it would be okay. So, nothing happened but things got really weird between us and then about a week later he stopped talking to me. I just left it alone. I didn't ask why we don't talk anymore (we still say hi and bye…but nothing else). I prayed to God about it and I asked for forgiveness because I felt like in a way that I should not have been so friendly with him. I did not set out to meet him, or to find him attractive/interesting at all. I feel like I just fell into it, and even though nothing happened…boundaries were definitely crossed. I should have shut him down when he started telling me about his marital problems. And when he told me that I was beautiful. Has anyone ever had this experience?

    November 10, 2012 at 7:19 pm

    • ADZ

      yes, mine was with a coworker. I knew he was married and he wanted to date me and begged me to give him a chance and how he would be all I needed him to be but i brushed him off. After a while, i found myself liking the attention he gave me since Im currently single. We would text a lot and the conversations quickly turned into sexual conversations and I sent explicit pictures. I am now in the process of finding another job and possibly changing my number so I can get away from him completely. I also told him to erase the pictures I sent him and he has yet to do so, sometimes I cant even pray at night and I lust after him so bad! I wish I had never met him but at the same time I'm glad I did because this is a learning experience for me. God is faithful to forgive us and wash us clean from all unrighteousness. You did the right thing by telling him to back off, he will probably try another single woman to go after. No matter how bad a man's issues are with his wife, THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR CHEATING! ITS SIMPLY SELF CONTROL! (which is also a fruit of the Spirit) Seek God and He will give you the man of your dreams that will be faithful to you!

      Also, married men always use that same line of we are having problems at home, which is a cop-out because they want you to feel sorry for them and listen to them. Some men know exactly what to do and say to a young lady that is willing to listen. My co worker targeted me because I'm deemed the quiet, sweet innocent girl at work. He knew that I wouldn't fall for the typical approach, he actually built a friendship with me before he started to reel me in.

      November 12, 2012 at 11:15 am

  58. Soozie in Cali

    I work with a married man (I’m single) who I’ve clicked with. He’s nice and we enjoy each others company. He’s clicked with another woman as well (half his age) who he has decided to mentor. He seems to be especially interested in my personal life which I guard as I don’t feel he needs to know my personal business. He’s in his early fifties and something just gives me the impression he is on the prowl. He notices any pretty girl that walks by as if he’s hypnotized. Maybe a mid-life crisis thing going on. Now, he’s convinced me that we should form a work partnership where I motivate him and he motivates me towards success. Sounds good but is it necessary??In any event, should I continue the frienship or cool it? I feel like I’m being reeled in.

    November 23, 2012 at 4:46 am

  59. Am Ramsey residing in Italy but am from Australia, Every Christmas dinner was a real mess for me and my two sons since when my wife left us. This then make me get drunk with my coworkers and. I had to get on with life and look for another woman that will bring life in to my life, but i couldnot because my self and my wife have gone too far to let go, we have been married for 22years now and this is how she's just going to leave me and my kids, i never did anuthing wrong to her, she just woke up one morning and said she is leaving to her country because she is from New Zealand. This seems so difficult for me to carry on with.
    Things have been so weird in with me until last 2months i met a spell lady who worked for my friend and have resuts in 2days, I have never done something of this nature but i had to because i could not take it any more, The spell lady email contact i collected from my friend that i was reaching her was priestessifaa@yahoo.com, i gave her our pictures and she asked me to go and buy some black and red candle and burn them at mid night that she is going to be casting the spell then in her temple, that once the candle finish burning am going to hear from my wife. immediately the candle went off, Of a thruth my wife message me begging me that she is coming at weekend that she is taking the next available flight to Italy, i was amazed at the spell lady work, it was so quick and fast.
    Now as am writing this, my wife is on a picnic with the kids. am so so happy to have my life back.
    I beg anyone who have any issues to meet this priestess on her priestessifaa@yahoo.com, she never fails. she didn't fail me.
    Or incase you want to talk to me my email is.
    ramseyverron@yahoo.it

    November 23, 2012 at 1:50 pm

  60. I need help with this you all! I agree with just about everything in this post. I just believe it's better to be safe than sorry. But my husband does not. He feels these types of boundaries are not Biblical and that they just show how paranoid and untrusting of the Holy Spirit Christians are today. I'm not sure how to handle it. We have discussed this about four or five times within the past year and we just can't get on the same page about it.

    November 27, 2012 at 6:19 pm

  61. mary snoop

    THE GREAT DR ODUDUMOYOYO WHO BROUGHT MY HUSBAND BACK TO ME .
    My name is mary snoop I live in USA, . My husband and I have been living a very happy and lovely life. So as time went on, I began to notice this strange attitude that he was possessing. He was now having another girl friend called jane, to the extent that he was no longer picking up my calls, and he was not even sleeping in my house anymore because of this new girl friend. I became confused and didn't know what to do . So i became worried and stranded, , because I have never experienced a thing like this before in my life.
    So I decided to visit a spell caster online, to see if he can help me out. So immediately I went to the internet, where I saw an amazing testimony of a spell caster who brought someone's ex lover back,odudumoyoyo@gmail.com so I email him immediately and I explained to him all my problems and immediately he reply to me that it will be very easy for him to solve, i have been helping people a situation like the one i have. And he also gave me some proof to be really sure of his work, and he assured me that my husband will come back to me immediately he is through with the spell casting. And also he told me to put all my trust in him, and I really believe him.
    So it was 9:00 am on the next morning, when I was about going to work, when i received my husband's call, and he told me that he was coming back home , and he apologized to me, and told me that he is very sorry for the pain that he has cost me. And after some minutes later, he really came back home, and that was how we continued our marriage with lots of love and happiness again, and our love was now stronger than how it were before.
    And he also told me that once my heart desire has been granted unto me that i should go and testify of his work right here on the internet. Right now I am the happiest woman on earth today as I am writing this testimony, and I want to really thank " Dr odudumoyoyo" for bringing back my husband, and for bringing joy and love to my life.
    my advice for you out there who your husband or your wife is acting strange or behaving the same way like this, or you have any problem with your relationship or anything related to do with spell casting, is for you to go and visit this odudumoyoyo@gmail. om, and i assure you that he will be of help to you, and I am 90% sure that he will solve it out.
    Thank Dr odudumoyoyo

    December 8, 2012 at 6:40 pm

  62. Mary Cartadelly

    My Name is Mary, My boyfriend always bring his female friends home when I am not there. i think is very disrespectful . I get very upset when he does that . he call them his sisters. can you give me and advise of how to handled this situation

    December 8, 2012 at 7:29 pm

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  64. sandra

    Hello i am Brana sandra,I am out here to spreed this good news to the entire world on how i got my ex love back.I was going crazy when my love left me for another girl last month,But when i meet a friend that introduce me to greatzuba the great messenger to the oracle that he serve,I narrated my problem to greatzuba about how my ex love left me and also how i needed to get a job in a very big company.He only said to me that i have come to the right place were i will be getting my heart desire without any side effect.He told me what i need to do,After it was been done,In the next 2 days,My love called me on the phone and was saying sorry for living me before now and also in the next one week after my love called me to be pleading for forgiveness,I was called for interview in my desired company were i needed to work as the managing director..I am so happy and overwhelmed that i have to tell this to the entire world to contact greatzuba at the following email address and get all your problem solve..No problem is too big for him to solve..Contact him direct on:greatzuba@gmail.com
    and get your problems solve like me..

    December 10, 2012 at 5:03 pm

  65. mjm

    Excellent post. I wish I had learned this much, much earlier in life, but I foolishly learned it the hard way. I thought I could be friends with anyone and their marital status or gender didn't matter – why should it? To add to my naivety, i also suffered from pride: I though of myself as a good Christian woman and under no circumstances would I EVER engage in an affair with a married man so i should be fine, right? Well, didn't those two things create fertile ground for an affair, the only things left to drive me to a place i never thought I would go were a long illness that left me depressed and feeling very vulnerable, a lack of a support network (friends, family) and someone who I thought was a friend (but turns out was very manipulative and selfish) who consoled me, which created an emotional intimacy and feelings of affection that i did not expect. I was overwhelmed by both a stong desiire to be with him and an equally strong sense of disgust, self-loathing, and guilt which nearly tore me apart. I take responibility for my actions and regularly pray for forgiveness, but laerned a harsh lesson: falling in love is a lot likke being drunk in a bar by yourself (where tyou can get yourself into a heap of trouble) – once your in that state, your decision-making skills and judgement are impaird – the key is to make good decisions that protect you from getting into that situation in the first place – in the case of drinking, you go out with friends, to a secure place and have a plan for getting home safely together; in the case of avoiding a situation where the most moral person would succumb to an affair, you must set boundaries to avoid developing an intimate relationship with another person who is married, or with anyone if you yourself are married, even if your intentions are completely innocent, there could come a time where one or both of you are in a very vulnerable and/or lonely state and find yourself seeking solace in the other person and developping strong feelings for them. The best way to love and respect them is to keep your distance from the get-go.

    December 10, 2012 at 9:56 pm

  66. anna

    Anna, I want to give testimony of how CHIFE OGWA brought back my divorce husband back to me,were married for 9 years then we break up, due to the fact that he never love me again.i have many felling for this my ex because we have gotten 2 kids together and i will want us to come back again. but all way i tried for us to come back all went in vain. i was confused and sad because i needed him back into my life, so i divided to contact CHIFE OGWA, i never believe in spell casting i just decide to make an effort and see if something can come out of it. i contacted them and they told me that they needed to cast return back of love to him, they did the spell and after 2 week my ex called that he still love me and wanted us to be together again,what surprise me most was that he was married to another woman, and after the spell casting he divorce the woman for me that same week. it was the spell i cast on him that brought him back again. we later got married again and now the kids are happy that their father is back to their mother again, i telly thank this CHIFE OGWA for bringing back my ex husband to me. i want you my fellow women who want back their divorce husband to contact CHIFE OGWA for his return, do not lose hope you can make this great step as i did then your ex husband will come back to you. and also your ex wife too okay, his email address id is chifeogwa@yahoo.com, i want you to contact him and he will solve your problem for you and also he can do any kind of spell you want to cast

    December 12, 2012 at 3:42 am

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  68. Not Naiive

    Anne, great post! With the percentage of failed marriages, there are a lot more people who truly are naiive to how affairs happen. Some don't even understand there are just emotional affairs,(sex as the ultimate betrayal) That's not necessarily the case. I believe that most people who say, "We trust each other" see things through a "Happily Ever After" view opposed to it can happen unintentionally. It can and it does, at high percentages. "Not Just Friends" stated 82% of their unfaithful clients had affairs that started out being social acquaintances, neighbors, or workplace colleagues. Staggering! Coziness in the workplace is a problem. I think the tune for most people only changes when they have had direct experience with these situations though.

    December 13, 2012 at 3:43 pm

  69. Not Naiive

    I was naiive, very clearly happily married and a friendship with a male workmate that I felt was 100% innocent, but find out he was fantasizing. On DH's end a female workmate was getting too friendly and it was hurtful and he was completely oblivious.My husband does not need to be her BFF… I'm sure she can find someone else. Women just love the having a man's attention too..
    We would all like to think our spouse would never do this.. but the percentage of it happening… definitely deserves creedance. And even more disturbing is that it's happening unintentionally… it just happened… not just sex… but emotional bonds. Again I trust my husband, but it happens far too often, I'm not one to say it's impossible, therefore, I believe in boundaries to protect a marriage. It's the smart thing to do!

    December 13, 2012 at 3:43 pm

  70. JustaGuy

    Figured a guy's perspective might be of interest here. Found this while searching on the web tonight about this exact topic. For the record, I'm 37, mostly happily married (hey, some days are definitely better than others, but we've made it work!), and we have three great kids. And relevant to the discussion here, I've never had what I would consider an affair (I've certainly got great friendships with other women); I don't believe my wife has, either (and she has great friendships with other men, too).

    All that as background, I think the author's intentions here are noble: and early in our marriage I probably would have agreed. Because marriage was new: the stress of what it takes to stay committed to each other, to fight through things, to grow together, was new. But now? Eh, maybe the boundaries have changed, or maybe they should change over time. I don't think what's prescribed here would be healthy at all for a marriage long-term. In fact, I think it could kill a marriage — or at the very least suffocate it.

    I care very deeply for a wide range of friends, both women and men. But let's focus on the girls that are friends here. Some were girls I've known since college, who have gone on to get married and have kids of their own; some I even dated in college, others were girlfriends, even long-time girlfriends. But it's not as if these are friendships in a vaccum, a back room, or something I hide. My spouse is great friends with these women too and has grown to care for them, oftentimes simply BECAUSE she knows that I have a great friendship with these women. And vice versa. My wife is great friends with guys she knew in college, when I hadn't even met her yet. Guys that she even once drunkenly slept with, which we've all done when young and stupid. And they're all married, etc. now — and we have a great time going to visit, drinking, and I get to hear incredibly great stories about my wife well before I ever met her. And a couple of these guys are friends enough that we'll go out on guy's trips together: and I never would have met them if it weren't for my wife.

    In terms of my female friends, nothing has ever once has gotten into "inappropriate" territory, where romantic advances were involved. You learn over time that there are many types of love: and I think younger people confuse that. All roads do not lead to eros. I guarantee you of that.

    Some of my female friendships even get into the "deep, close personal" area that is so often a danger zone: I have one friend, a girl, that I've known for nearly 20 years now. We've never dated, but we've both always cared immensely for the other almost in a sibling sort of way: I helped her through rehab, and she helped me recover from a major car accident, for example. This friend and I share a bond that frankly even my wife doesn't have with me: and that's okay. I choose to be with my wife, and we've got our own set of special bonds. If my wife is jealous of that other girl as a friend, it's never once come up in 10 years of marriage — in fact, my wife often spends time calling this female friend of mine just so they can stay caught up. They get along, but my wife understands how deeply I care for this friend I've had for so long, and I don't think she'd ever ask me to abandon something like that.

    My life would be so much less rich if I were asked to carve these incredible people and their meaning out of my life. No different than if I selfishly demanded the same from her out of what I think is an altogether insecure fear about our own relationship.

    So, would I ever cheat on my wife with a friend of the opposite sex? So far that answer is an unequivocal no. Why would I? My wife is a part of these relationships now: we share these friendships. They don't represent some weird "what could have been," they represent "where I've been, where I am, and where we're going to be." We're woven in together, my wife and I, amongst those that we care about deeply, regardless of gender. I suppose that if things really went south with my wife and our relationship ended, and one of these girls that I know was available, then maybe familiarity would mean something could happen. But my relationship would have to have gone south on its own accord in the first place; and these women would know it, from both sides, mine and my wife.

    Infidelity is a horrible thing, and I know it creeps up on many people. But I think the best boundary of all is to share freely with your spouse, to involve her in everything you do — and vice versa. You only get one go at this life. When I'm lying on my death bed, I hope I get to spend that time thinking about the life I built with my wife, our children, and all of the incredible people that we either were able to impact, or those that deeply impacted us. That's what life is all about.

    December 15, 2012 at 11:13 pm

  71. Erin

    I work in a small insurance agency as the administrative assistant / secretary. Yesterday a florist deliveryman stopped by with a beautiful arrangement – for me. It was addressed to "Miss ______" (my last name) and was from the UPS driver who delivers our packages. The tag that came with the flowers (which were comprised of burgundy carnations and lillies) said "Just curious how long this makes you smile." Here's a bit of backstory – not that it will explain anything, because I was genuinely surprised when those flowers came yesterday. I genuinely LOVE it when packages arrive and have always been super excited and happy when I see the brown truck pull up, no matter who's delivering. There's been one man in particular who's been doing our deliveries more often than not lately, and he's made a few comments here and there that, until yesterday, were just laughed off by me (not in a rude way). Nothing has crossed the line and anything he's said to me or vice versa is in direct earshot of a male co-worker whose desk is behind mine in an office that is connected to the reception area via a large window that is always open.

    December 18, 2012 at 1:38 pm

  72. Erin

    (part 2) I'm a Christian girl who is married – happily! – and has been for the past 4+ years. I have two photos of my husband and I displayed proudly on the shelf behind where I sit (facing the reception area), including a wedding photo. I have never left the house without my wedding ring on, either. I would think it's clear that I'm married, and nothing in the way that I act towards him or anyone else would lead to doubt as to my intentions or integrity. I'm young – 27 – and while I'd never call myself beautiful by cultural standards, I do have pretty eyes and am reasonably attractive. ;) I am also careful to dress appropriately in the office. I will admit that part of me is extremely flattered by this gesture and yes, it did give me a serious case of blushing. (HUGE confidence boost!)

    December 18, 2012 at 1:39 pm

  73. Erin

    (Part 3) The other part of me feels intense guilt even though nothing on my part invited this kind of attention. I've been talking with Godly women my age and slightly older (mid 30s) to get their read on it, and most of them have said that it would be appropriate to thank him for the flowers next time he stops by – they did indeed make me smile, and they brightened up the office – but to gently/firmly say "I don't want to assume anything, but I did want to let you know that I'm married." My husband is extremely chilled out about this whole thing, and said that he really doesn't have any suggestions for me in terms of how to respond to this man next time he comes in. He (hubby) trusts me implicitly and while he agrees with me that flowers certainly signal a strong interest (and a lot of 'stones' on the man's part), he has told me that he isn't worried about this man and knows that I will handle things well. I came across this site today as I was trying to figure out what exactly I should be doing… any thoughts?

    December 18, 2012 at 1:51 pm

  74. Erin

    I posted Part 3 but it's not showing up yet – if it's not up later on when I check back I'll try to re-post.

    December 18, 2012 at 1:52 pm

  75. rudeboyrg

    You will probably be offended by this but I can not sit idly by and read this without saying something. This is probably one of the most pathetic articles I've ever read. My wife and I both had were shocked and had to read this multiple times. She kept asking me if this was some kind of joke and if this was from a muslim country. We were shocked not only at this article but the pitiful responses from the people who've read it. Does anybody here have any self-esteem or feeling of self worth? This is truly pathetic. If you feel you need to keep such a close watch on your spouse or yourself than your marriage is already over. You just don't realize it. My wife and I have never cheated on each other and never felt the need to. And no, we don't feel the desire to monitor each other or avoid friends of the opposite sex or take car rides with other single people. It's called trust and responsibility. When you remove these "temptations" you aren't taking responsibility. You are just hiding the problem.You have our pitty. We wish you well.

    For an article that talks about setting boundaries you miss the mark worse than a blind man at a shooting range. You want to set a boundary?
    Here is a boundary for you. Ready? DON'T CHEAT ON YOUR F***ING SPOUSE!!

    December 23, 2012 at 10:16 am

  76. Help

    I got married about 6 months ago. I have boundaries, but my husband does not. There is a married “Christian” woman that my husband went to school with. They call and text each other. I wasn’t that concerned until I found out that he was sending her beautiful pictures of the sky and other things while he was out of town on a business trip. She sends him texts that ask him if he’s ok and needs to talk (in the middle of the night). I confronted him about it, but he gets extremely angry with me and kicked me in the back as i was walking away. I want a divorce because of this. My father didn’t do that to my mother. I think they are being disrespectful to her husband and to me. I have never been in a relationship like this. In fact, I would not appreciate it if a man (married or not) kept contacting me. I would take it as if he were disrespecting my husband, and I would have no problem telling him. If I need to talk, then I can talk to my pastor, a woman friend, or a counselor.

    December 23, 2012 at 3:56 pm

  77. Navjot

    My in laws behavior with me was not good.Even that they kept me in their house as i was their servent. Their daughters also live with them and me and my elder sister in law had to do all household chores.And my mother in law and father in law did not gave me a permission to go out and work anywhere.But i was well educated.they even gave mentally torture me and my parents who are in India.two months before because of some reasons i called the police,picked up my stuff and left my home.Me and my husband still love each other.We always talk to each other on phone.I want to live with him and he too wants to live with me.The problem is that he has no guts and he can't say to his parents that we want to live together and his parents already said him that if he will leave a house he can't come back even when they(his parents)will die.But my husband is my life.I will die without him.I m living with someone knowing me.But i can't stay with them forever.I am alone in this country.please help me to solve out this problem.I am in so much stress this time.I don't want to lose my husband.Please do something.I want him back within a weak.I will be very thankful to you.

    December 23, 2012 at 6:19 pm

  78. benita

    I was able to feel,hear,her voice again after she dead many years ago.i searched the internet for help until i found a man called Doctor Jefferson,he is a genius when it comes to communicating with the dead.I didnt regret in spending a few dollars in talking to my dead daughter.I authoritatively say that some members of my family,my uncles and my step mun are eager to talk to their dead ones.I decided to share his email address on the internet so that you can also contact him.

    December 24, 2012 at 2:48 pm

  79. benita

    I was able to feel,hear,her voice again after she dead many years ago.i searched the internet for help until i found a man called Doctor Jefferson,he is a genius when it comes to communicating with the dead.I didn't regret in spending a few dollars in talking to my dead daughter.I authoritatively say that some members of my family,my uncles and my step mun are eager to talk to their dead ones.I decided to share his email address on the internet so that you can also contact him.doctorjeffersontemple@gmail.com

    December 24, 2012 at 2:49 pm

  80. T L

    Im of two minds on this. I see the great wisdom in setting boundaries. It reminds me of a Biblical principle called radical amputation ("if your right hand causes you to sin – cut it off). There was an online course for overcoming sexual sins of all kinds that used that principle. They would make suggestions like if you find yourself watching internet pornography to cut off your internet just to name one. They also would suggest having an accountability partner of the same gender as the person taking the course. The accountability partner would be someone you could confess things to and help you stand against temptation. I know the principles worked for the people that put them into practice. And some people NEED that for a time to get their strength to withstand the temptations that come their way when coming out of bondage to sexual sins. So I can understand putting into practice guidelines to help you "keep your heart with all vigilence". Its like saying "im in this situation and I dont want it to become a problem" so I take steps to make sure that it wont. There is nothing wrong with this. It shows respect for your partner.

    I also know from experience that I was very naive in my marriage. I could easily have said with others that responded to this that my husband and I had a very trusting relationship. He would often go on trips without me and I never once worried that it was to cheat on me. He had friends of both genders and I never felt threatened if they would be alone together. I trusted him. He would tell me he loved me every single day, and we would talk while he was either on his way to work, or on his way home – sometimes both. We would do things together and we would do things apart. But one day things changed and then I found out he was making arrangements to meet someone he met online. I was blindsided completely. We had our problems – what couple doesnt have something? But I would have never imagined him doing something like that to me. I lost my innocent, childlike faith in people then.

    Now I am in a relationship with someone that to all appearances loves me. But he has friends of the opposite gender and I find myself freaking out about them. I find the thoughts I have about what he is doing with them becoming obsessive. But he never tells me anything really wrong about the conversations he has with them. And some of them have come to me and told me how they have never seen him happier since they have known him (and some have known him for years) as they have since he and I got together. And that is why Im of two minds about this.

    The stories some of you have told about how opposite gender friendships have made you value your spouses more, and how they have enriched your life moved me very much. I always looked at friendships with me as something I should forgo and just not get involved with. Recently I have been asking myself is it possible to be friends – good friends even – with someone else opposite without there being romance or sex involved? Your stories say it IS possible. And to be honest, I was so angry earlier today and wanted to just scrap everything with this gentleman, but I have been humbled and I realize perhaps that I am being unfair. Perhaps I have been wrong in that stance of not pursuing male friendships. I know me. This man I am involved with I am completely faithful to. And if I can be completely faithful to him – well why is it so inconceivable that HE could be the same way towards me even if he has many female friends?

    I think the solution is to do what I mentioned above – guard your heart and dont be naive. Realize and understand that it can happen and take steps but dont go to the point where its forbidden or you will ruin a relationship without anyone having an affair at all.

    January 17, 2013 at 1:31 am

    • Dolores

      You spoke truth as Gods word states for us to do. Thank you

      August 25, 2013 at 6:51 pm

  81. Tanya

    I m sure that someone has addressed this but, I have a few observations.
    There are situations where you will find it almost impossible not to be alone with someone of the opposite sex. A few examples.
    1) when was the last time anyone met a male dental hygenist? So men will be alone with that woman who is cleaning his teeth.
    2) I travel quite a bit and take cabs. There are not that many female taxi drivers. Do I waste a a lot of time waiting until I happen to find one, or spend more time and money hiring a car that has a female driver?
    3) Pilots, police officers, EMS workers of the opposite sex.you are assigned to be with these people. Do you make the decision not to be in profession where you will have to be alone in a car, cockpit or office when you know you will have to spend time with coworkers of the opposite sex?Or do you exercise discipline and professionalism? I am all for boundaries. We all need them single or married. Do we avoid people and situations out of fear?

    January 18, 2013 at 10:45 am

  82. mchellepeterson

    Thank you for writing about this. My husband and I have a blog with similar intentions and we got some intense and interesting feedback when he took a stab at writing about boundaries here: http://staymarriedblog.com/5-trust-building-bound
    These are hard things to talk about when people want to bring up all kinds of excuses why having healthy boundaries is "not possible", but I agree that the point, or rather, the HOPE is to stay married! Thank you again!

    January 18, 2013 at 4:43 pm

  83. Guest

    It seems to me that you are actually expressing some deep seated subconscious issues about your childhood and parental relationships. You are using your set of boundaries as personal defenses against subconscious urges that you find hard to deal with. Many men and women, whether Christian or of another religion have no problems or issues with interactions and friendships with members of the opposite sex because they are secure in their foundations of moral values. Let's push this boundary issue to the absurd extreme, do you think that you should also wear a burka and have your face covered in public to dissuade any attention from the opposite sex ? Perhaps a consult with a Christian counselor or therapist may be in order for you to explore your insecurities?

    January 22, 2013 at 2:13 pm

  84. precious

    ‘My mouth is full of testimonies, Am miss PRECIOUS E my husband left the home for two years to south Africa for a tourist, where he meant this prostitute and he was bewitch by the girl my husband refuse to come back home again, i cry day and night looking for who to help me, i read a news paper about a powerful spell caster called Dr okogbo i contacted the spell caster to help me get my lover back to me and he ask me not to worry about it that the gods we fight for me.. he told me by mid-night when all the spirit is at rest he will cast a spell to reunite my lover back to me. and he did in less than 3 days my husband came back to me and started crying that i should for forgive him, i,m so happy for what this spell caster did for me and my husband.. Dr okogbospelltemple@gmail.com‘ or his phone number
    +2348154922482

    January 31, 2013 at 6:06 am

  85. Gwen

    As a married woman who works in an office full of guys I think that while the advice is 'solid' in certain places it puts a bit too much emphasis on the sexual relationship between a man and a woman. I believe that it is possible for a guy and a girl to have a real, great friendship without sex coming into it. You can call me naive or a product of my generation (I'm 23) or claim that I am influenced by the Holywood 'dream'- while it is undeniable that all these factors have irrefutably shaped who I am, I firmly believe that I am slightly more than a bunch of rampant hormones.

    My husband is the first person I want to call, he is the last one I want to see and the one I want to spend knowing for the rest of my life. That said, different people shape different parts of our lives and I think a lot of this talk of setting boundaries is also a direct result of the holywood 'dream', albeit on the other spectrum of it. Yes the number of broken marriages and infidelities is growing but I think that is down to a bit more than sharing a car journey together. Seeing one another as a "man" or a "woman" rather than as people just seems to perpetuate the problem rather than solve it.

    Having said all that, I mean to disrespect to the author- you brought up a valid point. I just think there is a little more to it…

    February 3, 2013 at 4:16 pm

  86. kasha

    - I am kasha i lives in uk and i was in a serious relationship with my ex guy for three good years.. One day we were in a dinner party, we had a little misunderstanding which lead to a Quarrel and he stood up and left me at the dinner party. i try to call him but he was not picking my calls so after than i contacted my brother and told him about it,my brother so much love me that he had to see him on my behalf,he told my brother that it is over between us.. Then i contacted a friend of mine that had this similar experience and she directed me to one of the spiritual diviner (maduraitemple@yahoo.com).at first i thought it was not going to be possible and i contacted him i was ask to come up with a little requirement,so i did what i was ask to do, after 3 days i was in my office when my ex guy called me and was asking me to forgive him and come back to him. i was very surprise it was like a dream to me,so ever since we have been happily married with one kid my lovely baby(Ceslav)…i wish you the best of luck…

    February 4, 2013 at 10:21 am

  87. rbm

    I'm quite surprised at some of the comments to this post. If you read her one line, it sums it up perfectly: "It is a slow process of boundary-less decisions". The post is not saying you cannot be friends with someone of the opposite sex, it is saying that, if not careful, things can slowly begin to happen that you had initially not expected, or wanted.

    February 8, 2013 at 5:28 pm

    • wilsonwanderings

      YEP. Thanks!

      June 28, 2013 at 2:00 pm

  88. I just ran across this post about boundaries. As a pastor I appreciate when people set the boundaries. It's to protect yourself and many others in the process. Sometimes we have to be in situations where choices must be made, as when my wife has to meet business reps that are men. But she does so in public places, keeps me informed and lets me know of anything that is ever said inappropriately.

    Thanks for take the stnd.

    June 25, 2013 at 12:51 am

  89. I just ran across this post about boundaries. As a pastor I appreciate when people set the boundaries. It's to protect yourself and many others in the process. Sometimes we have to be in situations where choices must be made wisely aa when my wife has to meet with medical professionals at lunch or something. She meets them, keeps me informed about anything fishy.

    Thanks for reminding all of us the necessity of proper BOUNDARIES

    June 25, 2013 at 12:58 am

  90. i am Mrs mercy i am hear to give testimony of how i got back my husband, we got married for more than 2 years and have gotten two kids. thing were going well with us and we are always happy. until one day my husband started to behave in a way i could not understand, i was very confused by the way he treat me and the kids. later that month he did not come again and he called me that he want a divorce, I asked him what have i done wrong to deserve this from him, all he was saying that he want a divorce and that he hates me and do not want to see me again in his life, i was mad and also frustrated do not know what to do,i was sick for more than 2 weeks because of the divorce. i love him so much he was everything to me without him my life is incomplete. i told my sister and she told me to contact a spell caster, i never believe in all this spell casting of a thing. i just
    want to try if something will come out of it. I contacted DR. omoba for the return of my husband to me, they told me that my husband have been taken by another woman that she cast a spell on him that is why he hates me and also want us to divorce. then they told me that they have to cast a spell on him that will make him return to me and the kids, they cast the spell and after 3 days my husband called me
    and he told me that i should forgive him, he settled to apologize on phone and said that he still love me that he did not know what happen to him that he left me. it was the spell that the Dr omoba shrine casted on him that made him comeback to me today,me and my family are now happy again today. thank you DR. omoba for what you have done for me i would have been nothing today if not for your great spell. i want
    you my friends who are passing through this kind of love problem of getting back their husband, wife , or ex boyfriend and girlfriend to contact dromobaspellhome@gmail.com and you will see that your problem will be solved.

    August 21, 2013 at 9:02 pm

  91. John

    You must be crazy if being along with a man leads you to have an affair. Human beings have friends of all genders. Having a strong relationship with your husband is all you need to prevent an affair. Trying to shut down the outside world out of fear would just lead you to have a weak marriage that is based on self delusion.

    August 23, 2013 at 5:22 pm

  92. Dolores

    That was so true what you wrote about….it's very very true. The pain of the aftermath of a affair is so horrible. The shame and disrespect that one faces is beyond compare. The grief that is faced can never be measured and it's not worth it in the end. It can all start with just a little sharing of ones life with the opposite sex. You have no where to hide once you step into that car or across that table. They seem to have all the right answers when you are hurting about things that will get better with time. They listen but what a price to pay for their attention.. Thank you

    August 25, 2013 at 6:27 pm

  93. Grace

    My husband had two affairs, never thought he would! I saw signs and warned him, he denied it, continued on and fell. I divorced him, for he was unrepentant :0(. During our divorce I developed feelings for my Lawyer. I had always had good boundaries with men, yet he was my lawyer and I needed to spend time with him talking about my sitution with my ex-husband and children. Through that situation I was humbled to see how people can connect with the opposite sex by spending time and sharing with one another. Nothing happened physically between us. I told my friends about my feelings, prayed about it and left him and went to another lawyer. For I knew I was not a healthy situation, and I wanted to keep my heart pure.
    I realize now how important it is to have appropriate boundaries! To keep your life pure and above reproach. Men should share with men, women with women. We don't need to have close relationships with the oppostie sex. I don't want to live in the grey areas. We need to respect each other and not cause other to stumble. You don't know the thoughts of another person, you maybe causeing them to stumble by the attension you are giving the opposite sex. Search your hearts before God and ask Him to show you what is right.

    September 2, 2013 at 1:18 pm

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  95. Liss

    This is some of the worst garbage I've ever read in my life.
    Absolutely ridiculous.
    Have a little self-respect, people.

    September 11, 2013 at 6:48 pm

    • Asdf

      I completely agree!!!!!! This article is a joke.

      April 7, 2014 at 4:19 am

  96. Dr Shiva

    My name is Victoria from Florida I have to give this miraculous testimony, which is so

    unbelievable until now. I had a problem with my husband 2years ago, which lead to

    our break up. when he broke up with me, I was not my self again, i felt so empty inside

    me, my love and financial situation became worst, until a close friend of mine Lucy told

    me about a spell caster who helped her in the same problem too his name is Esango

    Priest. I email Esango Priest the spell caster and i told him my problem and i did what

    he asked of me, to cut the long story short. Before i knew what was happening my

    husband gave me a call and told me that he was coming back to me in just 2days and

    was so happy to have him back to me. We have two kids together and we are happy

    with ourselves. Thanks to Dr Shiva for saving my relationship and for also saving

    others own too. continue your good work, If you are interested to contact him and

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    October 4, 2013 at 11:57 pm

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  98. 3single.com is a good site. It also has live chat so you can chat to other users online. Good luck.

    November 9, 2013 at 9:31 pm

  99. Joanne

    I agree

    November 14, 2013 at 11:17 pm

  100. Angela

    i want to express how grateful i am cos i finally got what i have been looking for. My husband left me with two kids i have tried all my possible best to reach him but is like every time i tried i am making things worst for myself.but thank the spirit that leads me to Priest Dolakpo of DOLAKPO SPELL TEMPLE, he help me to restore the love my husband had for me back within 3days of me contacting him. he came back just as Priest Dolakpo told me he will make him come back. if you find yourself in situation like this kindly contact Priest Dolakpo on his email dolakpospelltemple@gmail.com

    November 23, 2013 at 10:04 am

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  102. owl7575

    ? is it flirty for two married christian to joke about leaving their marriage to run off together if one their spouse is in the room

    December 10, 2013 at 3:44 pm

  103. mabell

    My husband has no boundaries when it comes to women. I have actually recorded him bashing the hell out of me to his female co-workers, family members, or anyone who will listen, it's so sad. I'm a great wife, mother, and lover and this man still feels compelled to tell anyone who will listen our personal business. We have been married for over 23 years and he still does this. I'm filing for divorce in the new year, he actually had sex in a car with a female co-worker after bashing my name to her, it's the last straw. There is no hope and I'm tired of trying, a tiger does not change his stripes.

    December 14, 2013 at 11:27 pm

  104. Phoebe1950

    I have been married 24 years. I love this post and agree wholeheartedly. My husband disagrees and has, in my view, overstepped many boundaries. He took his 45 year old single niece to the movies on Christmas day while I cooked turkey at home. He has luncheon dates and pub nights with women. He invited the mailroom girl into our home for lunch when I wasn't home. He takes his assistant to movies during lunch hour. He is often alone in his car on long drives with single women. He goes on vacations without me. I've asked him for a conversation on boundaries. Yes, I am fearful. But he doesn't respect my views and calls me insecure and controlling. He says if I don't like it I should leave. The pain is excruciating but he doesn't care. I have an exit strategy and I don't blame anyone in my position who does the same.

    January 28, 2014 at 10:31 pm

    • ASdf

      You're jealous over his NIECE???? His family?? Cuckoo!!!!!!! is all I have to say.

      April 7, 2014 at 4:17 am

      • Phoebe1950

        Not anymore. He confessed to the affair and now our marriage is over. So not so cuckoo after all. But it's a relief to know the truth so I can move on.

        April 7, 2014 at 8:00 am

  105. jennet

    I have to share my testimony to the world because i don't know who it might be helpful to.

    My name is Mrs jennet from Chicago am 25 years old i got married at the age of 23 i have only one child and i was living happily .After one year of my marriage my husband behavior became so strange and i don’t really understand what was going on, he packed out of the house to another woman i love him so much that i never dream’s of losing him, i try my possible best to make sure that my husband get back to me but all to no avail, i cry and cry seeking for help, i discussed it with my best friend Allix and she promise to help me. She told me of a man called DR LAWAL KERIM, she told me he is a very great man and a real man that can be trusted and there is nothing concerning love issues he cannot solve and she told me how he has help countless number of people in restoring their relationship. I was really convince, I quickly contacted his email address at Dr.lawalkerim@outlook.com . I explain all my problem to him, he told me that i should not worry that all my problems will be solved immediately. He told me what to do to get my husband back and i did, he said after 3days my husband will come back to me and start begging, and it really happen as he said, i was very surprise, this is so amazing.

    To God be the glory our relationship is now very tight and we both live happily again. If you having similar problem, Contact him now(Dr.lawalkerim@outlook.com) or call is mobile number +2347061066172, and get your problem solve once and for all. i am a living testimony to it.

    1) If you want your ex back.
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    February 8, 2014 at 8:41 pm

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  108. Asdf

    This post is ridiculous. Arrange for someone else to stay so you're not alone in the office??? Give me a break. Worthless advice.

    April 7, 2014 at 4:06 am

  109. Asdf

    This article got even worse as I read the whole thing. Have fun living in your fantasy bubble being afraid of being alone with a man for longer than 2 seconds.

    April 7, 2014 at 4:15 am

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  111. Selina

    Hi Anne, great post. I appreciate the thought you put into writing this post, and it is excellent advice for all the single women out there who intentionally or unintentionally get into trouble just because they have not been informed or advised on the etiquette of dealing with married coworkers or just married people in general. I myself go to great lengths to completely avoid creating any situations that could cause either me or my coworkers any embarrassment. There are some things had not considered, and I will keep those points in mind. Thanks and have a great day!

    April 26, 2014 at 4:44 pm

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  114. Seeking Healing

    Really appreciate this point of view. Two years my husband I agreed that I could work in a different city and that he would join me.These are the behaviors that I observed on my last few times being home. My husband has no boundaries and frequently old girlfriends text him calling him sweetheart and asking him to accompany them somewhere, or run an errand for them. None of these girls tried to be friends with me or acknowledge the my husband is now a married man. I am starting to think he considers himself a bachelor, also. Other friends will call him to "just talk" and end by saying " I love you" and that they just feel like they need a hug from him. We agreed to put our phones on speaker when a person of the opposite was calling. But he does not observe this anymore. Also, several of his " emotional wives" have called crying and left messages that they need him to call them back right away so they can discuss problems with him. He has a motorcycle and gives rides whenever anyone asks him. I really had a problem with this and kindly told him so. He told me not to be jealous and that he could do whatever he wanted to do with his motorcycle. He said none of these women mean anything special to him because he chose me, but that I will ruin it if I keep bugging him about them and feeling insecure. Much of his texting is of girls sending him pictures of themselves, their trucks, motorcycles, or just an 'innocent holiday greeting. I work and live in a different city and he was supposed to move and get a job so he could live with me. My neighbor shared with me that women have used a key to get into my house when my husband is not home. She has seen one of them taking things from our home. I don't believe in divorce, but when after two years of this behavior when my husband said that he would rather get a divorce instead, I almost want to agree with him ( based on this evidence). I teach school and come home at Christmas and for 2 months during the summer. He was supposed to visit once a month until he moved permanently. He is a certified mechanic and can easily find employment. The boundaries are more necessary in our case, but all persons should respect themselves and others enough to know where to draw a firm line to avoid temptation and even the appearance of evil. Sadly, I find that many women and men have relationships that have no boundaries in place. My hear breaks as I write this because I love my husband but cannot pull the whole load alone. So couples out there, establish those boundaries love like crazy the one you chose to marry. Have a happy marriage by working and pulling together !!!

    July 2, 2014 at 12:21 pm

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  116. What a beautiful and wonderful testimony am about to share right now, sometimes things you don’t believe can just happen. My name is Peace James from London am 32 years old i got married at the age of 25 i have only one child and i was living happily after one year of my marriage my husband behavior became so strange and i didn’t really understand what was going on, he packed out of the house to another woman’s. I love him so much that i never dreamt of losing him, i try my possible best to make sure that my husband get back to me but all to no avail i cry and i cry seeking for help i discussed it with my best friend and she promise to help me he told me of a man called Dr Osaze, he is a very great man and a real man that can be trusted and there is nothing concerning love issues he cannot do that is why they call him Dr Igbudu. I contacted his email address at (spirituallove@hotmail. com) and i told him everything that happen all he told me is that i should not worry that all my problems will be solved immediately. He told me what to do to get my husband back and i did, he said after 3 days my husband will come back to me and start begging, it really happen i was very surprise and very, very happy our relationship was now very tight and we both live happily again. So my advice for you now is to contact this same email address: “spirituallove@hotmail. com”, if you are in any kind of situation concerning love issues and any other things that give you problems. Thanks.

    July 14, 2014 at 9:24 pm

  117. carolina

    my name is Carolina i want to thank my friend for showing way to AGAGULOVESPELL@GMAIL.COM where all my sorrow was turn to joy, i was in a relationship for 4 years and suddenly a mistake came into it from my side but i tried to beg my man but he refuse to listen to my apologies, until my friend told me about a spell caster called Dr Henry Olu that help her when she was also in a problem but i did not believed in her cause i don't also beloved in spell caster until i chose to give him a trial. this man told me what i need to do so that my man will come and after doing them my man came back to me to apologize the way this spell caster told me, so people out there i am using this opportunity to inform you all that this is the best caster that you can ever contact and trust in him cause with him all your problems, please contact him through his email address:AGAGULOVESPELL@YAHOO.COM you can also call Dr henry olu on this number now +2347069575620

    July 31, 2014 at 9:01 pm

  118. Lyev Mahrk11111

    Being attracted to the same sex in countries like USA,UK Canada is really easily as i have heard.There are still people there who don't like people like us but it not as bad as that of Russia cos here we are beaten jailed and sometimes even killed.You can't hold the hand of the one you care about in the public so as to avoid been harassed we can even set a place to me cos if we are caught we face jail time.Here in Russia we gay are prisoner in our own country.I am currently in a relation with my fiance and we had to leave Russia to be together.Before now his parent were against our relationship cos they had no idea he was gay we sneaked around knowing the risks if we were to be caught.When he finally got heart to tell him family the rejected him and asked he stops seeing me or they were going to turn him in and that scared him a lot his father is a very powerful man in Russia and he made it possible for him not to be able to live the country i mean as long as you have money in Russia anything goes.I was lucky they never got to meet me cos if they did i would have not been here right now writing this article that you are all reading.Probably i would have been in jail.Months passed and there was no way we could see each other cos they had him watched to make sure he is never get to meet me and also to know the person the was he was practicing this profane act with as they called it.They stripped him of all his right to the family assets and made him an outcast i could see he was suffering form the text he was sending me they made his life miserable and made him end our relationship.I knew he was confused and did know what to do to get his life back to make his family see him the way they use to.And i knew that his family were never going to accept his life style cos they are so anti gay.If they were to be a fund riser to fight gay practice in Russia his family will be the first to ask that they host it.I love him so much but he was scared of him family and they also had a grip on him.I know most person don't believe in what about to say but still if it wasn't for Mutton Osun a spell caster that i found on the internet i would not have been writing this.It happened maybe by a slim chance or fate that i was a blog were it happened that i read three distinct comment about how he help them with similar problem.I contacted him with an email address that was in the comment.I asked Mutton Osun to cast a spell to make my then boyfriend to make up his mind to run away from Russia with me to be together and also his family as in his father to make it possible for him to leave Russia with me and set a very comfortable life for us were we were going.And i know doing spells with someone you can't even see is outrageous but i promise you he makes you feel more at else when he calls and he really goes through with his promise cos he did with mine he was really helpful to him and kind.And like other people said he doesn't even charge you for what he is doing for you.I had to provide some list of materials that he asked that i get for my spell casting.I preferred that i sent the money down to him cos they were not easy to find and even when i found them it was so expensive but he could get them cheaply.He instructed me on how to make the spell work with great effect.It took 7 seven day and night to see it result.On the seventh night my boyfriend call me to tell me we could finally be together cos his father did agreed to do all i asked mutton osun to make him do i just knew at once it was Mutton Osun spell cos it what i asked for and now me and fiance are the happiest right now we can hold hand now without fear of being harassed or sent to jail for we are in love and we are very comfortable here.His father made sure everything was set before we even got here just like i asked it should be.Am going to also leave Mutton Osun email here just like others have done for contact purpose godsofosunx @ rocketmail. com

    August 5, 2014 at 4:41 am

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