They Do Exist.

My Abortion Story: “You Will Never Be A Mother, You Are A Baby Killer.”

Editor’s Note: Today’s story is by Jessica. This is the story of her abortion, but more importantly, about her life. It is easy to separate an event from someone’s entire life in order to judge or simply make assumptions, but we cut a person into pieces when we do that. Jessica writes at and tweets at @ JessJudkins. Jessica, thank you. – Lauren

Photo by Branden Harvey / / Design by Lauren Dubinsky

I struggled with this blog post. Not because I haven’t shared parts of this story before. I struggle with the heartbreaking back story behind why I had my abortion when I was 17 years old.

It’s a dark story of my past that I think about and regret daily. Not a day goes by in which I wished I was braver and made a better decision. But it’s hard to be brave when your in the middle of abuse. I do not know the stories behind all the women who have abortions.

But I am sensing a general blanketed assumption from some people that most of the women who have had them love to “kill babies.”

I wanted to share my story. I don’t want to kill babies. I never had and I never will. I love babies more than anything in this wold and my son Judah is the greatest blessing in my life. I cherish that boy. I hope by me sharing my story that someone out there reads this and realizes the deep pain that is associated with having an abortion.

When I was 17 years old, I dated a man who was just like my abusive father. Alex was a few years older than me and looking back, I think it was illegal for him to date a girl still in high school. I was beginning my senior year of high school in Tampa and I noticed within the first few weeks of walking the hallways I would get really, really sick. I was in honors classes and typically loved school but I was tired all the time, running to the bathrooms to throw up and daily struggling with my school work.

One day when Alex picked me up from school, drove me to a Burger King, handed me a pregnancy test and told me to take it in the bathroom. I never thought I would find out I was pregnant in a dirty Burger King bathroom. When I hopped back into his truck, I smiled and handed him the pregnancy test. I assumed this wasn’t planned but this was still good news. He didn’t speak to me on the way home.

Once we got to my home, I remember standing on the front porch and Alex (who already had a two year old daughter) turned to me and said, “Well you have to get rid of it.”  I didn’t understand and asked him what he meant. He said I had to get an abortion. I was numb.

I didn’t know what to say to him and I couldn’t tell my family because I knew my already abusive father would beat me up again over the news of me being pregnant.

For weeks I put off the phone call to the clinic. I told Alex I couldn’t afford it. I gave him books that I found in my high school library letting him know of the baby’s progress. He didn’t care, and he would throw the books at my stomach and he would drop me off in front of my job at McDonald’s and tell me to get extra shifts. When he was really drunk and angry, he and his brother would beat me, to the point of me cramping up and spotting. Alex was an evil man and I was scared to death of him.

One day after a particularly bad beating, I hid myself in my closet, afraid my parents would know what was going on and call the doctor. I was scared and didn’t know what to do. If I didn’t make the appointment, Alex was very clear in his intent to “beat the baby out of me.” So I called the abortion clinic and set up a time. When Alex drove me to my appointment I begged him to change his mind. He would just pinch me really hard in the arm so he wouldn’t leave a mark on my face for the people at the clinic to see.

I remember laying down on the hospital bed, I saw the sonogram and the nurse told me I was around 13 weeks.

I wanted to scream, “STOP I WANT TO KEEP THE BABY” but I knew Alex was out in the waiting room and was afraid of what he might do.

The nurse gave me some sort of drug and turned on a sound machine. I remember the doctor coming in and the cramping. Then I remember the blood, so much blood. When I walked out to the waiting room I told Alex, “Are you happy now?”

I hated him. But I hated myself more.

On the drive home I was sick, kept throwing up, and at one point Alex pulled over his truck really fast, opened the door and pushed me out onto the ground so I wouldn’t get any throw up on his seats.

Two weeks went by, I honestly blocked it all out of my memory. I had to go to the clinic for a follow up. The doctor checked me out and said it was okay to have sex. When Alex brought me home he forcefully raped me on my living room floor. This wouldn’t be the first time. Alex wanted nothing more than to beat, use and torture my body and soul.

Eventually my parents found out I had an abortion because the mother of Alex’s first child told my father. I was 17 years old and my father kicked me out of the house. I moved up to Virginia to live with my mom and step father. I was depressed, took sleeping pills to sleep at night because I had nightmares. I didn’t want to go back to high school, I felt that I was different and that no one would understand what I went through. I hated myself and I wished I would have died.

After awhile, I moved back down to Florida to live with Alex in a trailer for a few months. I have police reports from all the beatings that took place.

Part of me even accepted the beatings because I hated myself so much from what I did. I thought I deserved them and that it was God’s way of punishing me.

Alex repeatedly told me over and over and over again how I was worthless, how I was a baby killer, and how I will never ever have a child. That broke me. I hated myself. I hated myself more than anything or anyone I could ever hate. I hated myself more than I hated Alex.

Finally, I got away from Alex and his abuse and although I am currently in my early 30’s, not a day goes by in which I don’t think of my baby and wished that I made a different decision.

I live daily with my consequences of what I did. When I found out I was pregnant with Judah, I was fearful to tell my husband because I thought he was going to beat me. Scott never has and never will lay a hand on me, he is the kindest person I know. But since Alex beat me so badly I was fearful that any man would do the same. I was scared my first 13 weeks of being pregnant with Judah because I thought I was going to lose him, that God would punish me and take him away.

When I first had Judah, I woke Scott up one night crying and asking him, “Where is my other baby!!”

The reason I am sharing this is because on the 40 year anniversary of Roe vs Wade, I’ve seen anti-abortion pictures of unborn babies and blog posts everywhere. Every time I read a blog post, see a picture of an unborn child or hear someone talking about how people “kill babies” I literally feel a deep sadness grab my heart and and pull me back to that awful day when I was 17. I hear Alex’s voice screaming in the back of my head, “you will never be a mother, you are a baby killer.”

No one can get rid of the feelings of having an abortion.

My hope in this is that we are able to come along side some of these women just like me who are hurting deeply. Women who are afraid to share their pain because they fear judgement.

If we love one another we are able to make better decisions.

If someone came alongside me and loved on me when I was 17 years old, I would be able to say that I had a baby when I was 17, that he/or she was adopted into a loving home. Not that my abusive boyfriend drove me to the abortion clinic so I could terminate a life.

I am a Christian, became a believer a few years after my abortion and I know that the Lord has forgiven me of so much. It’s very hard to reconcile that forgiveness in my heart and head when I see people posting so many hurtful things about something I did in my past.

Before we make assumptions, or post up things that could be hurtful, let’s try to think of the hurt hearts out there that need healing. And let’s think if the words we are saying are healing or hurting those broken hearts.

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57 Responses

  1. Not alone

    Thank you for your bravery in sharing your story… We never know she bout testimonies are going to speak into another persons life. I pray that sharing will bro g you continued healing and a feeling of love and acceptance.

    February 11, 2013 at 10:35 am

  2. Thank you very much for your sharing your experience. This has opened my eyes and I'm sure it will help a lot of others too. Bless you!

    February 11, 2013 at 10:53 am

  3. Leilani

    Thank you so much for your courage. I pray for your continued healing and peace from the scars of your past. You are a beautiful, amazingly strong woman who is cherished by God. I pray your family continues to grow and your children are blessed. Much love and blessings xo

    February 11, 2013 at 11:03 am

  4. James McQ

    Thank you, the most important thing I learned from you is that some of us who oppose abortion end up adding hate to an already tragic act. Your statement about love is the best answer. Had your father loved you as a father should — had your boyfriend practiced real love as well — you would not have been in this situation. Certainly we're all responsible for our actions, but your options were narrower than they should have been and it pains me that some have spoken in ways that would deny your dignity and worth which are determined by the fact that you are God's creation, not by the mistake you made.

    February 11, 2013 at 11:04 am

  5. hannah

    thank you for your bravery in sharing this.
    i want you to know that not all of those who are pro-life/anti-abortion will condemn you. me, saying that i am pro-life, means that i believe that your life is valuable as well.
    there is hope for you & healing for you. i promise.

    February 11, 2013 at 11:10 am

  6. thelovemanifesto

    This is a very touching sad story. I think that it is sad how much Christians fail at loving people in this area. To me it seems quite obvious that after 40 years of fighting abortions politically and spending millions upon millions of dollars that we are getting no where. Instead why don't we spend all that time and money helping mothers to be and women who have gone through abortions make healthy decisions? Why don't we actually show the love of Christ physically rather than objectifying the situation with politics? Thanks for sharing!

    February 11, 2013 at 11:11 am

  7. love yourself

    Thank you for sharing this! I can only thank God from the bottom of my heart I was protected from a similar fate by not getting pregnant. I cannot imagine what you went through, and I think it's wrong that so many people judge the women who have had no other choice. It's easy to say there is always a choice, because reality is not black or white, it's a whole bunch of different grays. I think people should stop judging, because you never know what the person is going through, what circumstances they are in…
    I have felt God's forgiveness when I didn't deserve it, and I know the hardest thing is to forgive yourself, even if you feel His forgiveness. I hope you are happy and can find the strength to forgive yourself completely and heal! You are probably an amazing mom because of it, it's the best you can do :) God bless you!

    February 11, 2013 at 11:17 am

  8. elizabeth

    thank you, jessica, for your bravery.

    February 11, 2013 at 11:30 am

  9. Caitlyn

    My one question is how would you suggest we take a stand against abortion and reach out to women who have had or are thinking about abortion? What would be the best way to vocalize love and forgiveness while also being against abortion…?

    February 11, 2013 at 11:59 am

  10. Wow. Thank you for your courage in sharing this experience. I will think of your story every time I feel tempted to judge someone. This is an incredibly poignant reminder of how "the greatest of these is love." Love should come above all. Thank you, Jessica.

    February 11, 2013 at 12:49 pm

  11. Kels

    You are a blessed child of God. You are strong. You are beautiful. Your voice is important. You are lovely. You are brave. Thank you.

    February 11, 2013 at 12:54 pm

  12. I hug you and hope one day you'll find the forgiveness for yourself you need. Thank you for your bravery. I don't think I would have been as strong as you to survive it and have a family. I thank God He didn't let you fall. I'm sure your son Judah will make a difference in the world because of what you and your husband can teach him. All the best.

    February 11, 2013 at 1:09 pm

  13. Melanie

    I don’t know you and I defintely don’t judge you or think I’m better than you. However, I’m not sure what to do with this. Let me say first of all that this is a horrible story and its aweful that these things happened to you. I’m sure you are a strong woman and a good mother and that Jesus loves you. And I can tell that you know that what you did was wrong and you felt like you had no choice. But, let me ask you this, if you could go back and change anything would you change the fact that you got pregnant and then were forced to have an abortion? Or would you change the real issue…the fact that you chose to have premarital sex? There’s always a better choice than abortion. For you that choice would have been to not have sex outside of marriage, especially with an abusive man. Young girls struggling with difficult situations need love, of course. But they also need to take responsibilty for ther choices and actions. Your abortion and many more could have been prevented by better choices. I’m just throwing this out there because it seems like you may be trying to justify what you did by telling the whole story. And yes, as I already said, it was horrible. No one deserves to be treated the way you were. But nothing justifies and abortion and young girls need to hear that!

    February 11, 2013 at 1:14 pm

  14. Magali

    Oh how it breaks my heart too everytime I hear someone say “they kill babies” “they kill babies”
    First of all, I really want to thank you for being so honest,I know it’s hard.

    “Not a day goes by in which I wished I was braver and made a better decision. But it’s hard to be brave when your in the middle of abuse.”

    I know that feeling too well, my response to sexual abuse was sleeping with a woman ( I’m a woman obviously lol ) and I know how hard it is to go through something like that, what it does to your self-esteem your self image.

    I understand exactly what you mean when you say it’s very hard to reconcile that forgiveness in your heart and your head but your feelings and your emotions lie to you and the only person we need to believe is God ; He said we’re forgiven so that should be enough, I’ll pray for you

    February 11, 2013 at 2:00 pm

  15. Mara

    Growing up, I knew several young women in the '70's and 80's who had abortions. One of them had a mother who was extremely critical and judgmental. She would have disowned her daughter had she found out she was pregnant outside marriage, shaming the family name. The pregnant daughter didn't want to embarrass nor disappoint her mother so she had an abortion. She went on to marry the father and is still married with a family. She felt she had no choice. Ironically, it turns out this girl's mother had become pregnant outside of wedlock – a no no in the 50's, she had married out of obligation and went on to have more children (including the daughter I speak of), but the marriage was not happy and she passed on her guilt and unhappiness to her children, in this girl's case, resulting in an abortion. Can you see the cycle? It's easy to judge until you've walked in someone else's shoes. If this girl had been loved and didn't face rejection, she probably would not have had an abortion.

    February 11, 2013 at 2:11 pm

  16. Kathleen

    Thank you Jessica for sharing this story. I work at a crisis pregnancy centre and this so echoes my heart – it is so unhelpful to shame women with their choice; we need to offer love and compassion as we walk alongside those who are struggling with their decision.

    @Melanie – Keep in mind that if we are loving and teaching our children/teenagers right to begin with, this whole problem could be eliminated. It is why at our centre we teach in our local public high schools about sexual integrity and relationship choices, etc. We believe in getting to them before they get to us. What you said is the truth about premarital sex being the root issue and it is rampant in our culture today. However, whatever the root issue is, these women need hope and healing, not condemnation for their past choices, whatever they were.

    Whether it's before someone gets pregnant, while they are pregnant, or after their pregnancy has ended (whichever option they choose), we believe in loving women and supporting them. Jessica (and the other women out there who have made this choice), I don't know if you know this, but your local pregnancy centre will likely have a post-abortion counselling ministry that we have seen made a world of difference in women who are dealing with their abortion. Perhaps you already have done this, but I really encourage anyone who is struggling with this to reach out and seek help – this can be a dark road and no one should have to walk alone!

    Much love to all of you!

    February 11, 2013 at 2:29 pm

  17. My heart goes out to you. Although I never did get pregnant, I was always on the constant fear that I would be when I was dating my high school boyfriend, I would constantly have dreams of being in a clinc, and of course because my parents don't (and still don't) know what I did and what I went through fully with my ex, I can't really tell them.

    I remember one instance last year after I started dating Sunny and became a Christian (one who fell continuously with lust) I had several dreams of me and him having a daughter that looked exactly like me and we had to keep ourselves from my parents because from what I assumed, we were not married but still had a 3 year old daughter together. When I finally woke up from that dream I was so anxious to get my period and was talking to Sunny back and forth and the topic came up about what if I was pregnant.

    I know this is going to sound bad, but besides trying to be good and not stumble again, the main reason why I don't want to lust and fall with Sunny anymore is that what if. What if I get pregnant before marriage? I don't want to start my family at this stage of my life, but the thought of killing what would be my child is unbearable. I can sympathize, must mostly empathize with you.

    Having an abortion quite literally is like killing a part of you. Killing half of yourself. I feel bad for those mothers who feel like they have to make that choice and the thoughts/abuse behind that, but I also feel bad about the people who think that that fetus/baby isn't worth considering and get an abortion without really thinking about the emotional/spiritual consequences.

    February 11, 2013 at 2:55 pm

  18. survivor

    Thank you for your honesty and bravery in sharing your story. I was in a similar situation when I was 16 and had not one but two terminated pregnancies. Until someone walks in the shoes of someone living at ground zero in abuse, they can never understand. I spent years in and out of abusive relationships because that’s all I knew. That was 30 years ago. Fifteen years ago, I got pregnant, was in a wonderful relationship, and our joy ended when i was diagnosed with cancer almost immediately after. It was one of the hardest decisions my husband and I had to make. We were told months of chemotherapy and radiation would end our pregnancy and that I would risk infection. We prayed and cried and mourned together. The third time was it for me. We have no children,but we have a strong Christian marriage and for that I’m blessed… Many people I’ve encountered have judged me, and that is their prerogative. As Jesus said: let he who is without sin cast the first stone.. I understand the pain, I feel it everyday. And I can only pray for His forgiveness…

    February 11, 2013 at 3:02 pm

  19. Ann

    I feel like this side of Roe v Wade – the side that harms the women – is very neglected. Many people fail to see how much women hurt from the choice they make, just like many of us hurt from poor choices we make in other areas. There are plenty of women who choose abortion, not because of horrible circumstances like you lived through, but because they believe they are making the best choice at that time, and later regret that decision. I think it would be a difficult thing to process because on one side our laws and many people argue that there is nothing to regret, it was simply a medical procedure without consequences. On the other side we have a pro-life community (including the church) that fails to adequately reach out in love to these women, often making them feel judged, condemned, and without value as you described. We must learn to speak in love. Yes, in truth and in defense of those who cannot speak for themselves, but with love and grace spread on thick in all we say and do. Abortion hurts too many on its own, the body of Christ doesn't need to add to the pain.

    Thank you for the reminder to be mindful in all I say and do.

    February 11, 2013 at 3:46 pm

  20. When I read the title of this post, I originally thought it was what a picketer outside an abortion clinic said to you. I'm so sorry for what happened to you, and that you felt you deserved Alex's treatment. But my heart soared for you when I read about your husband, who sounds so wonderful and caring, and your son. I wish you all the best!

    And Ann, the commentor above me: "we have a pro-life community (including the church) that fails to adequately reach out in love to these women, often making them feel judged, condemned, and without value" YES!!!

    February 11, 2013 at 4:55 pm

  21. thankful for your courage and for you taking the time to share your story. may our hearts be opened to ways to love people when they need it most.

    February 11, 2013 at 6:02 pm

  22. I wish I could give you a big hug right now. You are so brave!!!!

    February 11, 2013 at 6:06 pm

  23. Sara McDonald

    Thank you for entrusting us with this story. It took deep courage to write, and my heart broke as I read. Praying peace and hope for all women and girls caught in abusive power systems, manipulated, and hurt as you were. May we work to create supportive communities to come alongside these sisters, daughters, and mothers.

    February 11, 2013 at 6:25 pm

  24. mindy

    wow, thank you for sharing. that was courageous. you are beloved. you are forgiven. and there is always grace. God is never keeping score.

    February 11, 2013 at 6:28 pm

  25. Thank you Jessica, this is amazingly brave.

    This is one of those stories that is in some ways above response. There are a lot of other women who have stories like this, and I hope that some of them will hear yours and know that they are not alone.

    One thing that seems universal in the stories of women's pain is the agency of men. Abortion is all to often talked about between women and by women, as if it is some women's problem. No un-wanted pregnancy happens without a man being selfish though. In this story two men abuse a woman, her father and her boyfriend. If someone wants to say anything about the author's responsibility for her actions, first somehow these men's responsibility must be addressed. She may have never actually had the ability to choose her sexual actions.

    There is something spectacular though. That God can redeem a woman's life even when Satan has tried hard to use evil men to destroy it. I see this reality every day in the lives of my friends, I am grateful that Jessica is willing to share her story of redemption.

    I think that the only Christ-like response to a woman who is pregnant and doesn't want to be is to offer support and adoption. The message of Jesus is explicitly not, "you must not sin" or "you must face the consequences of your sin." The message of Jesus is "I will take the consequences of your sin" and we Christians are than told to do likewise. Mother Theresa told women that if they didn't want there baby she would take it, I think that is the only Christ-like way to be opposed to abortion.

    February 11, 2013 at 6:41 pm

  26. So many prayers for you, and for all those who forced you into this decision, and for those who judge you.

    February 11, 2013 at 7:22 pm

  27. Nicole J.

    This had me in tears (darn you, PMS)! I wish I could say that I know how you feel but I can’t and I can only imagine the pain and heartbreak you went through.

    Thanks for being so amazingly brave by telling your story. I can relate a bit to your story. I’m a recovered self-harmer (by the mercy of God) and my scars are there to remind me of the days when I felt worthless and ugly and of a certain man who tried so hard to sleep with me. In the same way, you don’t forget stuff like that.

    Be brave, women. Others need to hear your story.

    February 11, 2013 at 7:41 pm

  28. Kelly O.

    Thank you for sharing your story with us, Jessica. Your perspective of the pro-life movement is truly invaluable. Thank you thank you thank you!

    February 11, 2013 at 8:24 pm

  29. WOW! I am sorry…. I am sorry for the men who have not treated you properly. I am sorry that there was no one to truly love you when you needed it most. I am sorry you have to deal with this ongoing pain. You are forgiven. Do not play those messages over and over in your head. Forgive yourself. It took great courage to write this. May God richly bless you. Much love…

    February 11, 2013 at 9:39 pm

  30. Steph

    This had me in tears. What a beautiful story of redemption. I’m so sorry that you had to endure so much pain and abuse. Thank you for sharing your story with us. Love to you.

    February 11, 2013 at 9:44 pm

  31. Dear,dear lady, I don’t know you, but your post gave me a vivid picture. And it’s others who need God’s forgiveness. I can see you had no choice. The right to have an abortion in this country generalizes it, but you, dear heart, are not to be generalized, neither are any other women, I’m sure. You were the victim, and you did not kill your baby. You were forced to have the abortion, with no support system. And shame on the pro-lifers for making you feel so guilty. Being pro-life is not something we’re to be in bondage to. Praise The Lord you’re where you know healing and love now. I pray for you to know how special and loved and precious you are. You are not guilty, you are held in high esteem by our God who holds your baby in His loving arms. No, you are innocent and the guilty ones are who will face God someday. Blessings and hugs!!!
    P.S. congratulations on your little boy and your marriage. How sweet of God to give you life again!!

    February 12, 2013 at 9:46 am

  32. yourmom

    oh fuck off!
    holier than thou twats. if your going to get on your knees, stop talking to yourself and do something productive!

    February 16, 2013 at 10:26 pm

  33. Arrecelee

    I know this woman said she accepted Christ much later in her life. I know this woman is not like any other. She has a different soul, a different heart. God says only he knows the true heart. “But I, the LORD, search all hearts 10 and examine secret motives.” Jeremiah 17:10. But it also says” This is what the LORD says: 5 “Cursed are those who put their trust in mere humans, who rely on human strength and turn their hearts away from the LORD.” Jeremiah 17:5.

    I’m young, know only what I have learned so far and notice that the society I live in likes to blame. I think we have to love others,love everyone we come in contact with but also be prepared to soley depend on Christ’s love. I think we have to remember that we are not entitled to another person’s love. But that God asks that of us. 1 John 4:7 “Dear friends, let us continue to love one another, for love comes from God. Anyone who loves is a child of God and knows God.” Or John 13:34 “So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other.” This ability to love each other is suppose to make us recognizable as Christians.

    February 22, 2013 at 9:59 pm

  34. choice

    Jessica, I'm glad for you that you are trying to work out your feelings about your abortion. I do hope, though, that you will understand the following.

    Each woman is also a person, and those who would try to deny you your personhood in order to fit you into a box of being a receptacle for men's sex organs and the unborn is not a Christian. To be a person is to be equal in the sight of God to all other persons, regardless of gender.

    Motherhood is not the inevitable destiny of all women, not even those who become pregnant, since many spontaneous abortions occur in all women who are sexually active – before they ever know it.

    Some women do not regret their abortions and they belong to pro-choice Christian churches. Christianity itself is not predicated on not ever having an abortion or thinking that every abortion is a sin.

    Christianity and the Christian church are not equivalent. Be not ye called rabbi . . . be not ye called master. For there is one master, even Christ. – this is among the many cautions Jesus provides to warn you against all the people who think they can tell you what Jesus Christ was saying even though they do not understand what he said any better than you do.

    Being a Christian has to do with your relation to Christ, not the church and not other people who tell you what to do. The only way to be one is to read the words attributed to Christ, in multiple translations and in varied studies that consider the Koine Greek original of the New Testament and put them in the perspective of the Torah and Mishnah in which Jesus, as a Jew, believed and for which he spoke ("Not one jot or tittle of the law will fail"), and come to your own understanding.

    Please obey your own understanding and not the directions of anyone but Christ. That's why you regretted the abortion, you paid too much attention to the boyfriend. May you go with God, keep on learning, not judging, and find what you seek.

    March 14, 2013 at 12:47 pm

  35. monstercakes

    This moved me to tears. Tears for what you've had to go through. Tears for what you've overcome. Tears for what you are still overcoming (and will through Christ's strength!). Tears for a misunderstood topic and misplaced judgement.Tears for people's lack of compassion and understanding and love. Bless you for your bravery and beauty, and may more Christians approach this topic with love and compassion. Thank you for reminding us of that fact! God's mercies are new every morning.

    March 29, 2013 at 3:25 pm

  36. Tamara

    This was an incredibly courageous thing to publish. I wish that courage didn't require such fear to be so. But because it does and because of the terrible reality of misjudgment and the egregious lack of compassion and misdirected anger, this one act of courage can make a difference. In truth, it has.

    March 30, 2013 at 11:32 pm

  37. C

    I had an abortion at 15 and i regret it
    I was late, had cravings, was iverly emotional, had cramping, felt nausea, and at times was sick, so I told my friend I needed a test.
    we went and took one that night. It came back positive, tears ran down my face.
    How could I bring this child into the world? What would I tell mum? How would my boyfriend react? What will people think?
    She told me to relax and it would be sorted.
    We went back to the chemist and told the lady, she wasn’t very helpful so we took another test incase, and it too came back positive.
    When we got home my friend called my boyfriend because I was worried. She asked him questions, but didnt say anything about the situation.
    I spent that night crying and thinking.
    The next day we had our sports carnival, I was talking to my boyfriend and I said that we had to have a serious talk when I saw him that night. He guessed it straight away.
    That night we had a talk, but I cried the whole way through it, he promised me we’d sort it out, and we did.
    I couldn’t tell my mum because she would be so disappointed so I asked my dad who I dont talk to consent me to have an abortion and he said he would.
    The next week we had an appointment with a doctor to get a referral, then 5 days later we went to the clinic. I brought my friend, boyfriend and dad.
    Me and my boyfriend decided to name her.
    He said to me: “choose a name for a boy and one for a girl”
    And I told him I already knew it was a girl, he asked how and I told him I dreamt it, he then started to get emotional because she’s “daddy’s little girl”
    I told him her first name was ruby, and that shed take his last name, he then chose grace is her middle name. It was beautiful. Ruby Grace ********
    I miss you
    If I could take back time I’d think more, losing you was the worst decision I ever made.
    5 weeks later and I still remember the day as if it were yesterday.
    Waking up in the morning nervous, me and my got ready. And I gave mum a kiss, and walked out the door. We walked to the bus stop and met my boyfriend, it was a full bus, but I cried all the way to the station. We waited at the station and dad picked us up and took us to a shop near the clinic, I couldn’t eat or drink that day, and it was killing me, I was so hungry and my cravings were tempting me. After I went to the bathroom we got back in the car and went to the clinic. Shaking i got out the car, and got to the clinic 2 minutes later. Dad talked to them while we waited outside and I paced up and down outside asking myself if its what I wanted. I cried. 30 minutes later we went inside to the waiting room, id been to the bathroom about 5 times in 40 minutes. They called my name and I felt a knot in my throat, I got up shaking and looked back at my boyfriend, he stood up, but then he didnt come, I saw his eyes get watery.
    We went to the first nurse and she asked questions, she laid me down and did the ultrasound, I lay there crying. I asked if she could see her, and she looked at me and said how do you know it’s a girl? And I said I dream of her. I closed my eyes, she looked at my dad, and he was mouthing her something and she said to me “you’re 8 weeks” I cried more, and got up, I could’ve sworn I was more than 8.
    I sat down and she explained it was too far into it for the pill, and that I had to have surgery. I asked how long id have to stay after the surgery and she said i could leave straight away if i felt ok. She gave me tablets for after and put me in the doctors room.
    He talked me through what was going to happen, when to take the tablet, how long the procedure will be and what to expect. I was then moved to a waiting room.
    They were putting me under twilight anaesthetic.
    I sat there holding my stomach, crying and looking at food magazines (I was just so hungry). At that point I knew I didn’t want to do it. After about 10 minutes I was called into another doctors office.
    He talked in more detail about what was going to happen, how long I’d have to stay after the procedure, what I would feel in depth, and answered questions. And then put me back into the private waiting room.
    I sat there holding my baby girl and crying gently. Thinking about how in an hour she’ll be gone. I looked to my dad and said, I don’t know if I want to do this anymore. Ruby’s mine. He told me I had to, it was just my emotions. Then a nice nurse came to get me.
    She told dad it was time he had to leave. I asked for my boyfriend so that he could say goodbye to her, but he said no. I felt tears building up but I just breathed. And the nurse let him out and took my hand.
    She took me to a room where there was a bed. She handed me a skirt and told me to keep my top on, but take my leggings and underwear off. She took my spare pair of underwear with my toiletry item. I sat on the bed and cried, she sat on the bed and put her arm around me. She gave me tissues and said “come on darling, lets do this now” and smiled at me. She got out and I slowly did what she said. I was shaking and crying but I did it. I stood there, held my belly and whispered “im sorry ruby, i love you so much, and im sure daddy loves you just as much. Ill be with you very soon. Im sorry.” The nurse came in just as I was tying the skirt up, she handed me a tissue, I dried my tears, took my jewellery off, and she took me to a very bright room, and I felt my heart drop.
    I walked into the room and there was a bed in the middle, a nurse, and what I thought was 2 doctors. The nurse that was already in there didnt make too much contact with me, my nurse told me they couldn’t because they had to stay focused. My nurse told me the man at the foot of the bed was the doctor, the man at the top of the bed was the anaethetist, and the other nurse was to help the doctor. I took a deep breath and climbed onto the bed. I was shaking like crazy but held my stomach tightly. I turned to my nurse and asked if shed stay with me and she said yes. I broke down straight away. My nurse clenched my wrist and told me it’ll be ok, it’ll be over soon, but I kept crying. They put the peg on my finger, but my nurse still held my wrist. When the anaethetist came and told me to extend my arm onto the black cushion bar I started to get worst, my tears got stronger and I was asking them not to. He tightened the band around my arm to find a vein. When the doctors nurse saw me getting worst, she came up from the foot of the bed and grabbed my hand with one of her hands and put her hand on my forehead looking into my eyes and whispered something to me. I cried more as he started injecting the anaesthetic. I got worst and I said I don’t want to do this, please don’t. And my nurse looked at the doctor and they looked away from her. My nurse looked at me and said, ill be with you through the whole thing and when you wake up, she wiped the hair from my face and kissed my forehead. I still had the tissue in my right hand and my nurse had my right wrist, while the doctors nurse had my left wrist. My nurse looked at me and her eyes got glassy, she said “you’ll be ok” I kept sobbing and looked up at the roof. I felt myself getting dizzy and I kept saying “I want my baby, don’t do this!” And I got louder and louder. I started feeling myself go and my last words were “i love you ruby, I’m sorry”
    The nurse woke me up in a bed after what felt like 3 hours, but was only 15 minutes. I burst into tears straight away, and she said ill get your dad for you, but her voice was breaking and shaky. Dad came in with my friend almost straight away and I just laid there crying. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. Dad sat at the foot of the bed and my friend next to my bed. My friend said shed get my boyfriend for me and she left. When my boyfriend came in he started crying straight away. He sat down on the chair next to my bed, grabbed my right hand, put it to his head and started crying. And then I remember thinking that my tissues must’ve fallen. The nurse came in and said I had to eat and drink before I left. She brought in a donut and a glass of water. I sat up and ate and drink. I looked down on the right side of me and saw the tissue on the bed and just cried. After I finished, I looked at my nurse and said, can I please leave. She asked if I felt ok, and I said yes. She called My friend back in my room and all 4 of them were in the room. I slowly got out of bed, and when I looked down I realised I only had my underwear on. They helped me get dressed and ready to leave, then dad brang the car closer to the door, and they helped me to the car. I closed my eyes and rested my head on the car door. Dad brought us to the city, but I couldn’t walk properly, I felt like I was going to be sick. Dad ended up just taking me home, my friend unlocked the door and my boyfriend carried me upstairs and I just laid in bed and cried and buried my head into my pillow.
    My boyfriend and friend hadn’t eaten so they were going to walk to hungry jacks and leave me in bed, but I didn’t want to. I got up and went with them. It was a slow walk, but I got there.
    We ordered food and sat down. I was not hungry at all. I unwrapped my food, looked at it and cried again, it felt like all I could do was cry, I had no desire to eat.
    My boyfriends friend came and we just sat there. I really didnt want to see or talk to anyone.
    I made a mistake. If I could take back time I would’ve done things different. I would’ve kept ruby. I would’ve told mum even though shed be disappointed and kick me out. I killed my own baby, and I loved her so much, I still do. Ill never forgive myself for that.
    A week ago I found out I was 10 weeks pregnant, almost into me second trimester. My dad made them tell me I was 8 weeks not 10. I will never forgive him ever.
    Love you more than anything my baby.
    Mummy loves you.
    Sleep well my darling.
    R.I.P Ruby Grace Mckenzie

    September 24, 2013 at 8:25 am

  38. Chantal

    I can relate in a way to your post. I am 20 years old and had an abortion and still struggle with it. I am a firm believer and Christ and believe that God forgives me but we are human and flesh so I still wonder on the decision I made. I'm soooo happy to hear you are with a good man and God has blessed you with a loving family. I'm doing an essay on emotional abuse and I'm using excerpts from this post. Thank you for writing this and sharing your story. God Bless xoxo

    October 24, 2013 at 10:27 pm

  39. Jessica you have been a brave woman I must tell. I don't know, what I would have done if I was in your position. But what I feel, that you did take decisions at that time thinking what would be best for you and your close ones. It is really courageous of you to share the story with us. And I really thank you for that. Just remember you are not alone!

    May 21, 2014 at 9:06 am

  40. Thanks for sharing your painful experience. I can not say anything to you. Because I have no words to console you. I can feel your pain. It's really very bad incident. God Bless you my friend. Keep in touch.

    September 3, 2014 at 8:21 am

  41. Superb website you have here but I was curious about if you knew of
    any community forums that cover the same topics discussed in this
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    September 9, 2014 at 7:09 pm

  42. Thanks for sharing this story with us. This is really very heart touching incident. God bless you. i can't say anything to more.

    December 8, 2014 at 1:16 am

  43. Thanks for the post. After reading this post, I gain some knowledge and gathered some information's. This article is really very essential and very informative. I really enjoyed with post. This post is very nice. I am waiting for your new post

    December 11, 2014 at 6:58 am

  44. Hello I am so gladd I found your site, I really found you by mistake,
    whhile I was searching on Yahoo for something else, Nonetheless I am
    here now andd would just like to say thank you for a antastic post and a
    all round interesting blog (I also love tthe theme/design), I don’t have time to
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    December 21, 2014 at 6:24 pm

  45. Thanks for sharing this story. Abortion is not a good thing. It is really very bad thing. It is type of murder. If you are think that, You are not able to take your baby's responsibility, after did intercourse, you should take contraceptive pills. As a woman, I really disagree with abortion.

    January 19, 2015 at 5:15 am

  46. thank you for your bravery in sharing this.
    i want you to know that not all of those who are pro-life/anti-abortion will condemn you. me, saying that i am pro-life, means that i believe that your life is valuable as well.
    there is hope for you & healing for you. i promise.
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    May 8, 2015 at 9:41 pm

  47. A touching story this is. Thanks for sharing it. God forgave you long ago sister..

    June 30, 2015 at 5:11 pm

  48. Juliana

    You are really brave for sharing your story. And this is going to help a lot of women going through the same. Healing comes from God and I know that he would heal you. Here is my blog as well. Pregnancy and Fertility

    November 4, 2016 at 1:25 pm

  49. It's good that I joined this forum, lots of interesting information I can find here.

    February 15, 2018 at 6:42 am

  50. thanks for sharing

    May 16, 2021 at 12:26 am

  51. thnks for sharing

    July 8, 2021 at 2:54 am

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