They Do Exist.

Ask A Married Woman: How Did You Go From Virgin To Sexy & Seductive?

IMPORTANT Editor’s Note: This month we are answering our readers’ questions to married women! We realize that sex is an enormous topic and absolutely cannot be addressed in whole in a single place. Please give us grace and the benefit of the doubt as we seek to share the wisdom and experience of multiple married women in our community on the topic, and do not take it as rules, formulas, or “right vs wrong” that Good Women Project is trying to give you for your personal sex life. We never want to instruct you, assume too much about your personal life, or compromise your personal beliefs. We realize and respect that some of our readers’ views and preferences may differ, and our CHIEF reason for opening dialogue on the topic is to rid our lives of shame, fear, and guilt from the places it does not belong. We also ask you to ask questions in our comments to the authors to clarify instead of being quick to anger or condemnation. The topic is easily misunderstood, and it must be an open conversation. Thank you. – Lauren

QUESTION: How did you go from virgin to sexy and seductive towards your husband if that side has been switched off your entire life?! – asked by a 22-year-old single woman

Renee Fisher: I was the girl who dreamed of the day I could finally have sex. I hated reading books by “Christian” men that said women don’t desire sex. I am proud to say that I was a virgin when I got married. That’s 29 long years of crazy sexy ideas for seducing my future husband. Tip #1 – Don’t take it personal. Every time you have sex, it’s different — and there will be times when you or your partner won’t finish or doesn’t want to have sex at that very moment. Don’t let that freak you out. Tip #2 – Buy lingerie and lots of it. Tip #3 – Sexy is good. Sexy is good. Sexy is good. Growing up as a Christian taught me one thing about sex: it’s bad. I can’t tell you how frustrating it was to just get married and be expected to flip the switch from bad to good. Even though I was super eager to try — and have only been married for 9 months — it takes practice. Tip #4 – What may be seductive to you may not be seductive to your partner. THIS IS OKAY. Find out what that is and teach it to each other. :)

Valerie Bryant: Trial and error plus a sense of humor. Trust your husband to support you in all your efforts at sexiness, and don’t be afraid to try something that sounds wacky or terrifying — it just might be the very thing that makes you feel amazing and vixenish! Some things may not work at all, but don’t forget to laugh about it together — there is very little that is sexier than a genuine, shared smile between lovers.

Elora Nicole: My husband and I didn’t have sex until we were married, and we were both each other’s firsts. I can’t stress this enough: have fun. Know your own limits. Communicate beforehand so your husband knows what you will or won’t do, and you know what he will or won’t do. Also, embrace your feminine side. A little make up, some perfume, and lotion makes me feel sexy.

Lauren Dubinsky: I wasn’t a virgin when I got married, but “having sex before marriage” doesn’t inherently give you confidence in the bedroom. Regardless of when it is that you first have sex, no one, male or female, is 100% confident immediately. So be encouraged that if you’ve waited for marriage, you’re getting more confident in the presence of a man who loves you no matter what. “Sexiness” is an aspect of my nature, and it hinges upon MANY things. Trust, safety, comfort, emotional connection, and the absence of shame/fear/guilt/incorrect expectations. That means that our ability to be sexy or seductive relies primarily on our relationship with the guy, and our perception of ourself — NOT on our experience or “skill.” A lot of it comes naturally, but if you have hangups or issues (like 95% of people I know), counseling is definitely the first step. Don’t ignore your struggle. Don’t keep it to yourself. I don’t know how any married couples make it without counseling, honestly, and it’s been a massive help to me in letting go of insecurities, crazy things in my head, and fear —which in turn is giving me permission to be sexxyyy.

Prudy: Ask him what he finds sexy; it may be a lacy little number or it may be one of his button down work shirts. Leave notes hidden for him or sext him [texting dirty things]! And create a playlist of “in-the-mood music” just for YOU.

Katy Hill: For me, it just took time to get comfortable with that switch. I waited for myself, not for what anyone else expected of me. I didn’t come from a super conservative household, but it was still tough to realize it was okay to be sexy and seductive toward my husband. Don’t be hard on yourself if it takes longer than you expected!

Alyssa Agee: Your sexy and seductive side should NOT be “turned off” until the moment you say “I do!” Do things on your own time to feel sexy for yourself. And once you’re married? Take a deep breath and let go of your inhibitions. Turn the lights on. Laugh a lot. Ditch the lingerie if it makes you feel uncomfortable and glory in your own skin. That’s sexy.

Lindsay Satterfield: No one I know has gotten married and instantly became a sex kitten.

Shelly DeVore: It really wasn’t that difficult for me once I realized that it is a GOOD desire. In a strange way, it’s kinda like getting a drivers license; something you’ve wanted to do for a long time and now all the sudden it’s not only ok, but right and good. SO MUCH FREEDOM. I didn’t find that I had to “work” at it, and I was a virgin when we got married.

Carley Lollie: For me, it came really naturally since we were both learning each other at the same time. Sex gets better with time (and you’ve got a lot of it now!). It’s an adventure, and it’s what you were designed as a woman to be. Just being open to the idea of sex is the biggest step.

Sarah Bessey: Well, I didn’t start off too virginal, so it wasn’t a problem. I was a sexually active teenager, and although that brings its own baggage, I was very comfortable with my own sexuality and needs. I don’t think that it’s too healthy to live “switched off.”

Second Note: Below, we’ve brought in Cherry from Married Spice to give more detail and some important perspective! She’s the sweetest Christian woman who gives tons of sex advice to married women dealing with issues in the bedroom. We wanted to share her very raw and honest thoughts at risk of starting a comment-war! Again, don’t take this as right and wrong, but simply something to add into the discussion. Have fun, and read with an open mind. Feel free to ask her questions in the comments, or send her an email at marriedspice[at]hotmail.com

Cherry: I wasn’t a virgin, but I will say as advice to the virgin bride goes: get to know yourself, your body, before the wedding.  You really need to explore your sexuality. You are a sexual being. God made us to experience this in a very real way!  Buy lingerie EARLY, and then (gulp) you need to touch yourself… in a sexual way.* Try to NOT be on the pill, if you can. Your hormones are your best friend here.  If you ovulate, you will feel sexier. Use that to your advantage. Nothing wrong with your new husband using condoms for awhile.  Get to know your body while you can have orgasm and enjoy it.  Feeling sexy is a state of mind. For us girls it is HUGE. Think about sex, think about your beautiful body and how it was made for pleasure. Half the battle to sexiness is won in the mind!

I realize there is a dividing line here for some Christian women, but the issue still remains that many Christian women are NOT in touch with their sexuality. Therefore, they’ve never had an orgasm, do not think sex is ”necessary” after kids, and do it just to please their husbands.  Some do it to be obedient to God, but since they have NEVER gotten to know their body personally, they have missed out on pleasure. And yes, physical pleasure is something that God created for both men and women.

Look at how males grow up. They get to know their penis from infancy. Diaper comes off, and BAM, they are grabbing it and playing with it. It is external, so obviously  they’ll grab it, but it also feels good to them. They are intimate with their sex organ from the get go while girls have no idea what their vulva is.  Let alone a clitoris.  But this has been and still is the biggest disservice we are doing to our little girls.  They grow up, never looking, never playing with, never considering this as the fun zone.  It’s usually, the ”no no zone.” And we wonder why women have such fickle, un-interested sexual appetites for their spouses. If they grow up thinking it’s dirty, this becomes such a mental battle after the wedding night.

*Earlier, when I mentioned touching yourself sexually? Everyone has differing opinions on this, but it’s important to note that shame has no place in your life, regardless of what you have or have not done. Once you are engaged, and “if” up to this point (because of beliefs or whatnot) you haven’t touched yourself to get to know what feels good, NOW IS THE TIME!

The funny thing is, EVERY woman’s man has given in to self-pleasure. YES, EVERY SINGLE ONE.  Whether they used porn is a whole other matter.  What matters here is the fact that, all by themselves, their man HAS masturbated. Not just once, but a lot.  And he knows his body, he knows what feels good… because he’s had lots of practice.  What he isn’t going to know is how to please you. And how can you expect another person to know your body better than you know yourself? So, as an engaged woman, this is an important time to get to know the wonderful body God gave you, and to explore, look in a mirror, find your spots, and think about your guy. This way, on her wedding night (after more likely) you can show him and he can show you what feels good.

If you are worried about your thought-life in all of this, think about your husband and the pleasure you can bring to him.  The rest of your thought life is between you and God.  If you believe you are the center of your soon-to-be husband’s desire, then feeling sexy is cake, and your focus will be on the right place.  The confidence comes when we get to know our bodies for what God created them to be.

How do you learn your body without it resulting in an addiction to pleasure? It’s a bridge to cross as needed. (If you deal with addiction, I HIGHLY recommend licensed counseling, no matter what it costs you.) As an example, I love chocolate.  I can eat it with pleasure without gorging myself. Some people cannot.  Should I tell people that if they eat chocolate, they better eat it slowly and only one or two pieces, so that they don’t over do it and become addicted?  Not necessarily. This is why it’s important for you to know that your body is ultimately your responsibility, and to pay close attention to your heart.

Anything God created can be abused and turn sinful. So, to caution too much about self-pleasuring then causes one to hesitate and think of it as evil, bringing us back to square one. So again, it’s between you and God if you are concerned with your behavior being pleasing to Him. Don’t be afraid to start looking for a woman you respect and trust to discuss this with personally.


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170 Responses

  1. Katherine

    I find it interesting that it is usually considered the wife's duty to be the sexy one and arouse her partner. It seems unfair to put all of the pressure on the wife. What would it look like for the husband to take on some of this as well? Maybe he doesn't need to go all "Magic Mike" but I imagine that having a partner that reciprocates the sexiness can only be a plus.

    July 9, 2012 at 3:38 pm

  2. Amelia

    Great post. A lot of different ideas and opinions represented here! Lots to consider. As a…pre-engaged? (intending to marry but not officially engaged yet) person, this is definitely something I think and wonder about. Having grown up in a very conservative household, sex was never mentioned. Ever. And I mean EVER. I mean like finding-out-about-sex-from-internet-porn-and-feeling-too-ashamed-ask ever. It’s very comforting hearing what other people’s fears were beforehand, as they are similar to my own, and that –it’s okay–. Sex isn’t a bad thing. Now for my head to be able to actually grasp that concept may turn out to be another thing altogether.

    July 9, 2012 at 3:59 pm

  3. MrsP

    Thank you, thank you, thank you to ALL the women who offered their insights here. 17 years ago when I married my first husband, it was so difficult to turn that switch from "bad" to "good." Even though he fell off the morality train and I had to suffer a divorce, I am so grateful that God blessed me with my current husband, who was willing to teach me my own sexuality! My heart for my daughter, when she reaches that point, is to have open conversation with Godly women about the truth…that God created sex for women too! That yes, women DO desire sex, and that this is GOOD and GODLY!! Thank you, Good Women Project, for existing…and for being willing to tackle difficult subjects.

    July 9, 2012 at 4:15 pm

  4. Hanna

    I've been gobbling up GWP this month. As someone who's getting married in a few months, I LOVE married women and they have evolved in my mind into golden springs of knowledge. THANK YOU.

    One thing I keep hearing that surprises me is advice to not be on the pill! I'm on it because otherwise I'd be missing work and the rest of my life for a couple days every month. I've been raised a conservative Christian girl, so I usually don't feel sexy and I'm afraid my libido is already the weakest one EVER. How much of a difference does the pill actually make? Fret fret fret.

    July 9, 2012 at 4:30 pm

  5. In regards to masturbation I know that a lot of people have been hurt by the church not discussing it and instead sending the message that it, as you say Lauren "sends you to hell" I certainly do not agree with that. What I do agree with though is that lust is a sin, and you cannot masturbate without lusting. I'm not trying to start a debate, or to tell anyone that they are wrong, but when it comes to biblical truths and testing what we are doing against what scripture says, that is where we land. When my husband and I were engaged we both attempted to not engage in this sin, because just like any other sin it creates separation from God, and allows the enemy a foothold. Of course I was not 100% successful, and while I strived to be, I didn't expect it of myself. Just like a sin such a pride or idolatry, these are things we as humans will struggle with. Thankfully the blood of Christ covers all sins.

    July 9, 2012 at 4:31 pm

  6. Sarah

    I just celebrated my first wedding anniversary. I was a virgin on the night of my wedding.. and even the next day! Ha. No, we didn't "do the deed" on the first night, and I've learned that that's actually not so uncommon. We were exhausted and inexperienced, without the energy to figure things out so we just enjoyed intimacy, finally seeing one another naked, showering together, reveling in guiltless spooning and messing around. And a little over a year later I look back and can honestly say that the sex, for us, didn't start to get good until about 8 months in (I could go much further on reasons why and our experiences etc. but that's too much for a comment box) and it's still getting better! Don't expect to be an expert, feel sexy and know all the "right moves" as soon as the *magical ring* slips on your finger. It's impossible, and I'll explain why; 1. What you, the media, world, movies, ex-boyfriends and others perceive as "sexy" or "seductive" may not be what turns your husband on. 2. You most likely won't know what turns him on and makes him happy (in other words what's sexy to HIM) instantly, actually it'll probably take a few trial runs, a few weeks, long talks and walks. This is why I believe their are a couple foundational elements to helping you feel sexy and confident: open, honesty communication about your sex, AND becoming a STUDENT of your partner. Learn from him through open communication about what he likes so you can do those things, wear that outfit, smell that way and touch that spot. Doing that will make him real happy which in turn make you feel sexy and boost your confidence! The important thing to remember is that this takes time. It takes trial and error and that is why I echo what many of the women above said; LAUGH. Have fun together. Maybe something you try will be a total flop, but you never know until you try. I also agree with what Cherry said because the better you know yourself the more comfortable you'll be. BUT that cannot be the end of it. Just because you try to communicate to your husband what you know to feel good, doesn't mean their won't be other things that he discovers, or that you discover together when you're exploring and experimenting in those first few months of marriage. I hope this helps someone. I realize it's a long comment and goes beyond the question at hand.. but basically I'm saying the way I have found to feel sexy and confident in the bedroom is to learn what my husband likes, learn what I like and go with it. Also, very important to remember; part of experiencing intimacy together means being VULNERABLE to each other. If your husband truely loves you, he will at the very least think your efforts at being sexy are "cute."

    PS. don't be afraid to read up on a lot of books and ask for advice from married women on tips and tricks for in the bedroom. A couple real quick; lingerie and lube are your friends, "Sexytime" playlists are great, and hollywood lies about what sex looks like… but that's okay because REAL, INTIMATE sex with your husband is better than any steamy scripted movie scene will ever be.

    July 9, 2012 at 4:38 pm

  7. Kate

    As I read this post, I kept thinking, "Right on!" but there is one thing I've found to be important wasn't mentioned here. We as women do ourselves a great disservice when we look at other women and compare ourselves to them. We view ourselves as less attractive than others and therefore less desirable/sexy than they are. As I am recovering from an Eating Disorder, I have devoted years of my life to loving my body. I've stood in front of the mirror and hated my stomach. When I do that, I become ashamed of the fat rolls that live there and am unwilling to show them to my husband. It's hard to be sexy when you are ashamed of your body. I'm not trying to say that you shouldn't try to lose those few pounds or work out. I'm trying to say that you need to love your body where it is today. Embrace your sexuality, and thank God for every part of your body from the parts you love to the parts you hate.

    July 9, 2012 at 4:39 pm

  8. Lily

    Something I wish was covered in this post was I have a problem thinking about Christian men in a sexual way. I have no problem with that when I am with men that I know aren't in Christ. I have no problem feeling sexy around them at all, just when I'm dating a Christian guy.

    July 9, 2012 at 5:00 pm

  9. Emily

    Question. I am currently (contentedly) single and a virgin, but I'm discovering in this my 22nd year the beauty and inherent sexiness of my female body, and with it the desire to embrace the sexual side of myself. At the moment, I'm thanking God for my sex drive and I'm telling him I'm giving it to him to hold in safe-keeping until I need it again! I know this is slightly off-topic, but how have other singles found ways of staying pure as a single and not suppressing these God-given desires and feelings; of handling this firecracker inside?

    July 9, 2012 at 5:13 pm

  10. Claire

    Ohhhhhhh, a Christian blog post that talks about sex in a positive way. YES. MORE OF.

    July 9, 2012 at 5:13 pm

  11. Lauren Terveen

    THANK YOU FOR THIS POST! I am a 22 year old who never ever got the sex talk from my parents.I have some amazing Christians in my life though who have talked to me about it, yet all i hear is SEX IS BAD! Being sexy is bad, that in order to be sexy you have to be modest. I get that being modest is good as a women of the Lord, but I'm sorry at times I want to let my hair down wear a low cut top with some red lipstick and go out and have fun. Is that sinful no, but do I feel judgment from these friends yes! I also have lost 100 lbs and am trying to figure out what being sexy is. Why as Christians do we say that we as women shouldn't know are body. I think that what she talked about towards feeling ourselves is amazing! Thank you for this blog. It has brought a lot of truth into my life. That as a Christian women Its okay to be sexy. SEXY IS GOOD! Thank you again.

    July 9, 2012 at 5:20 pm

  12. Angie

    As a woman who has been married for over four years now I can say that it only gets better. I know that I am still a "newly" wed but have found there to be many ups and downs. When we got married I thought that the switch was to take place the first night. Go from Virgin to sexy wife right then and there. I had not been told that if you did not "do the deed" that first night there was nothing wrong. Our first months were full of stress and tears when it came to this and I hope so much to help my girls avoid it. (We were pregnant after the first three months of marriage with our first girl, pregnancy being a whole 'nother story in this department). Another thing I have learned is that we are always learning. This last year we discovered some new things and it has changed things again for the better. Life is full of ups and downs in every way and this is just another one of them. To be open to each other is most important. If reading on these things helps you than go for it. I know for me it does not help as it often sets me up for false expectations that are not fulfilled and the disappointment ruins it for me. I imagine it going one way and when it doesn't I think something is wrong. So I don't read up on it. I just spend time with my husband and we learn it together.

    July 9, 2012 at 5:21 pm

  13. Anon

    It frustrates me massively that this condones masturbation. As someone who has struggled with addiction in this area (and who is, technically, still struggling) I don't think it's healthy at all. If a woman is getting sexually aroused, alone, is there not a high chance she'll turn to pornography, which just leads to numerous other problems, personally and further into society (e.g. degradation of women, sex trafficking, etc.)? This definitely puts me off this whole website, if you can condone that. You can't compare sexual addiction to liking chocolate a bit too much. I'm literally sat her crying, this angers me so much.

    July 9, 2012 at 5:49 pm

  14. Well. I have received several comments today in regard to this post and while I am generally all aboard the Good Women Project bandwagon, this particular post has me filled with some concerns. I am not even all that sure where to begin. I love that the married women are speaking about their experiences. I too will marry one day and will seek the advice of married women before my wedding night. However, in regard to Cherry's advice, I think it is strongly misguided.

    I am not a proponent of shame and guilt when it comes to sexuality, particularly masturbation. But I do not think it is good advice to tell an engaged woman to masturbate in order to know her body. Not only is that giving permission for other girls to do it, but it's telling her that she can always turn to self-pleasure if her husband can't satisfy. It's setting a precedent that no Christian (male or female) should live by.

    Just because your future husband has masturbated and has done so "a lot" does not mean that you should. If you're worried about not being able to satisfy one another or that you're not able to be satisfied by your future husband, I would hope that you love each other enough to TALK about it as opposed to taking thing into your own hands. No pun intended. Part of premarital counseling and the engagement process is to talk about the things that scare you or concern you about marriage – and I can imagine that for the virgin bride or even the re-virginized bride, sex is going to be on the top of that list.

    We were not created for self-pleasure.

    If that were the case, God wouldn't have even created Eve. Adam needed her. Eve needed him. Men and women can teach other about what they like and what they don't like in the marriage bed without self-pleasuring beforehand or even during marriage, if your needs aren't being met. Like Kate commented above, masturbation created distance between her and her husband and can open old sin patterns. Why give the enemy ANY foothold?

    You will learn what you like and you don't like, and you'll learn together. That is part of the beautiful creation of sex. It's two bodies coming together in worship – of God and each other. It's not a solo-act and it is never supposed to be. Regardless of your husband's premarital extracurricular activities. Saving pleasure for him to satisfy is one of the greatest gifts you can offer your husband. Don't settle for less than that.

    Crystal Renaud
    Founder, http://www.dirtygirlsministries.com

    July 9, 2012 at 6:14 pm

  15. Married Spice

    I have to chime in here for a few reasons.

    First, this post is a very loaded topic. Some of my post was edited for length and focus reasons, but did leave out a few key points. Lauren did her best to keep it concise and on point.

    One question I did ask was "What do we do AFTER we are married?" I answered it by saying that your HUSBAND should be the one giving you pleasure, not yourself. You both have a ton of learning to do.

    Second, You can also have self discovery WITHOUT orgasm and without masturbation. The question I was answering wasn't about right or wrong and Lauren clarified that in terms of every ones beliefs.

    But, this question about being ''sexy'' is about being comfortable with your sexual organs.

    This is NOT about bringing porn, addictions, or other men into the discussion, or masturbating SOLO without your husband present.

    This is about learning all your body parts so you can love your self and bring that to the marriage.
    This is what was meant by touching yourself.

    Boys for the most part are very comfortable with their body parts. Girls, hardly at all. Why is it okay for them to have free reign to discover and yet girls are not?

    As some have mentioned lust and masturbation are hard to separate. This can be an issue if you are thinking of others while discovering your pleasure zones.

    Crystal, we love your ministry and I respect you highly. We understand the problems that this culture and especially men, but more so now, the women are facing in regards to porn. So please understand that my disagreeing with you is not saying I don't agree with your stand and ministry. Please keep up the great work, it is much needed.
    In no way do we advocate porn or lustful thoughts.
    What we do advocate because we've seen so many marriages have these problems due to a woman NOT learning with her husband, (or before) is a healthy body image as well as knowing what feels good sexually.
    It sounds good and biblical when we talk about how we are to learn together, but in reality it doesn't always translate in the marriage bed that way. What happens too often is it gets ignored until one spouse or the other is completely frustrated.

    Women who are not comfortable with even naming their body parts correctly are not going to be so open with their spouse once married. Many are full of shame and guilt from all sorts of avenues. There is a stigma surrounding this topic especially for women.
    The more we argue about being able to explore our bodies in order to learn what they can do, the more confused and in the closet women will be.
    Lets agree that lust, porn, addictions, hiding, selfishness and guilt is what we don't want to bring to a marriage.
    I encourage every girl, to pray and seek God alone on her journey towards marriage and what she wants to bring to her marriage bed.
    Cherry

    July 9, 2012 at 7:00 pm

  16. Emily Kate

    Yes, keep speaking truth.

    July 9, 2012 at 7:02 pm

  17. addy

    What a disheartening, disappointing and totally unexpected post by the GWP. After all the precious and beautiful stories of redemption from sexual sin (namely masturbation) shared on this forum, how could GWP post advice to young women to begin masturbating?

    I, as someone graciously freed from the sin of solo sex for over four years, am truly horrified that this advice is being given. Yes, women need to know their bodies. Yes, women should have a strong voice in what pleases them in their marriage bed. But not only allowing but ENCOURAGING masturbation is leading women down a path of deceit. "Once you are engaged, and “if” up to this point (because of beliefs or whatnot) you haven’t touched yourself to get to know what feels good, NOW IS THE TIME!"-this is just false.. The temptation to self-please and to turn to one's own means for pleasure is contrary to the Gospel. Jesus didn't live a life of pleasing Himself, He gave Himself up for us and came as a servant. Sex is intended to picture the way Jesus loves the Church…He does not "love on" Himself and seek His own pleasure while leaving the church to fend for herself. He was also sinless, and willfully arousing oneself outside of marriage is pretty clearly outlined as sin in the Bible–anything sexual at all outside the one-man, one-woman lifelong covenant is called "porneia," the root of the word pornography. I want nothing of my life or other Christians' lives to be categorized as porneia.

    Please, please consider recanting this advice. Masturbation, self-pleasing, and "figuring it all out" before the wedding night are completely out of line. The glory of sex is in imaging God together, as one, in His fullness. Me pleasing myself is only tainting the precious, holy intentions of sex within the bounds of marriage. Yes, God intends sex to be pleasing to both partners, bonding in beautiful and deeply mysterious ways, and meaningful. That's the very reason why sexual exploration of one's body should begin on the wedding night. Together, husband and wife can discover how to please one another. He may very well learn how to please her better than she can herself, that's kind of the point.

    July 9, 2012 at 8:25 pm

  18. Michelle

    Unbelievable! I am appauled at the advice Cherry gave.

    2 Timothy 3:2 says " in the last days men will be lovers of themselves…" I Thessalonians 4:3-5 …that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor…" Romans 13:14 "Put on the Lord Jesus Christ and make no provision for the flesh to gratify its desires."

    As far as wanting to know how to turn the switch on in the bedroom…I would pray and ask God to show you how to be sexy to your husband. God will show you what your husband thinks and what will glorify the Lord when you are making love.

    I am very unhappy with most of these comments in regards to this topic and wonder if I should unsubscribe. I've worked to hard and long to get to where I am now read WORLDY advice that encourages masturbation, sexual immorality and pornography…don't even get me started with on that subject.

    Cherry your out of line and question your moral integerity and your "Godly wisdom."

    July 9, 2012 at 10:35 pm

  19. Thank you so much for this post! Also, I have to say that I truly admire all of you. You handle people's criticisms, hurts, concerns, comments, etc in such an awesome and positive way. SO MUCH better than I ever would have. From what I can tell you aren't offended when people disagree and you respond in a way that is very open and honest and respectful.

    July 9, 2012 at 11:04 pm

  20. Married Spice

    I'm sorry. But not once did I condone pornography or sexual immorality. As I stated further in my comment above, discovering your body parts and how they work is not condoning sexual deviance. What you do with your thoughts and heart are the problem . A perversion of what God has created is the problem. A generation who is bombarded by sexual images even unintentionally is the problem. But, to say that masturbation or self pleasure is a sin, is taking this too far. Yes, there are girls who struggle with these addictions,just like food, drugs etc.. and not to make light of them at all, but the question asked was about how to feel sexy when your switch has been turned OFF for so long. It wasn't meant for someone struggling with what they think is wrong or an addictive person. Questioning my moral integrity based on a debatable topic when giving an honest answer is ridiculous just because you disagree.

    July 9, 2012 at 11:14 pm

  21. Yeah I think this topic can get controversial really fast. Thank you for speaking up and saying what you were really trying to say. Would you recommend the book "Intended For Pleasure?" I remember reading that when I was engaged thinking "what in the world?" It is really hard to go from zero to 60 but thank God for a loving husband who I can trust and we can figure out together.

    July 9, 2012 at 11:21 pm

  22. BTW Thanks to Lauren for allowing Christian women to talk about sex in a positive light. SOOO AWESOME! XOXO

    July 9, 2012 at 11:22 pm

  23. sarah

    Cherry, thank you for your boldness and honesty. I understand that your intent is for freedom, openness, and joyful vulnerability in the married bedroom and that is a wonderful thing. As a single 21-year-old virgin, my personal struggle with masturbation has lasted for over a decade, and I have come to the point of understanding that I cannot engage in this without becoming a slave to it. I think many women react so strongly against your advice because they are in the same boat, or know people who are. It's a lot easier to outlaw a physical act than to bear the responsibility of freedom and self-control. 1 Corinthians 6 says "All things are permissible, but not all are beneficial, and I will not be mastered by anything." God judges the motives of the heart. Some may use it to explore, relieve stress, or celebrate God-given sexuality, while for others is is an addictive response to loneliness or frustration that only perpetuates the cycle. I believe that masturbation may be harmless for some (I disagree with the comment that masturbation always involves lust), but for me personally, the next time I orgasm should be with my husband.
    What we all need to keep in mind is the humility that Scripture is not explicitly clear on this issue. Our God is intentional and wouldn't leave room for interpretation by accident. One thing is clear: whatever is not done in faith is sin. (Romans 14). We are to hate what is evil, cling to what is good. We are under the Spirit who gives freedom, and we all must decide how we are to respond.

    July 10, 2012 at 1:54 am

  24. I appreciate the open discussion this post has inspired. I am glad to read so many ladies express and acknowledge differing viewpoints with candor and grace.

    I was homeschooled like some other commenters and I consider my family relatively conservative, however I think our sex/sexiness education was pretty good. My parents viewed it as a long-term process that begins in childhood (to some extent). My free-spirited scientist mom (odd combination, I know) matter-of-factly included reproduction in science instruction along with other biological processes like circulation and digestion. My parents also made it a habit to let us see a bit of the romantic side of their relationship. They happily kissed and flirted and said mushy things and playfully teased each other around us (they just passed their 32nd anniversary and I love that they still act this way!). Much as my brothers sometimes got grossed out or embarassed, I think we all got the message that the romantic and sexual parts of a relationship are fun and enjoyable for married couples and that those parts are biologically, naturally the way God made us.

    July 10, 2012 at 10:48 am

  25. Some dude

    Hey,

    I'm a man. I won't weigh in on what is right or wrong with regards to women's sexuality because I have no right. Even if we were all men here I would have no right to judge other peoples' behavior–Christ says that God alone is judge. What I can say, from being a man, is this:

    A Christian man who truly loves you will not expect you to switch from "virgin" to "sexy" in an instant. If he really loves you, then he'll be happy to experience you in the marriage bed just as you are. Granted, I myself am a virgin, so I'm probably approaching this from a naive perspective. What I can say is that when I get married, I don't expect her to dress up a certain way or smell a certain way or behave a certain way (though I hold no grudge or judgment against others' sexual relationships that do have mandates in those areas) in sex–I just want her.

    I will not say anything about whether Cherry's statement is right or wrong. I will however throw a mental bomb here:

    Where Cherry says this: "EVERY woman’s man has given in to self-pleasure. YES, EVERY SINGLE ONE. Whether they used porn is a whole other matter. What matters here is the fact that, all by themselves, their man HAS masturbated. Not just once, but a lot."

    While I did have a long struggle with porn, for which I am now ashamed, but also redeemed from… I have in fact never masturbated. I do not take offense to Cherry saying that every man has, but I will point that it is not necessarily accurate. It may be possible to say that most men have, but not "every single one". I am not saying that I am special or above other men for not masturbating–we are all equally under sin, and all those in Christ are equally under grace. What I am saying is quite simply that there are some of us men out there who choose not to masturbate. I am not weighing in on the right or wrong of it. I am merely stating a simple fact.

    July 10, 2012 at 10:55 am

  26. I loved this post and the comments, ESP the ones explaining the post by cherry and by Lauren. Our God is so sweet and I pray for the women who have been hurt by this post. It’s been a confirmation to me of what God has done in my life. He has made me who I am today and I praise Him for other women finding freedom in Him and who He’s made us to be. It is a touchy topic, but if I can add: talk to God about it all. I have found the sweetest fellowship with Him as I find myself talking about what I want or don’t want someday in marriage. It’s surprising where He meets us sometimes, and alot of times, it’s in places we were never taught to pray, or in ways the church would be mortified by. But thank God He loves our hearts and the way to love Him heart mind and soul is to say everything to Him in the safety of our hearts and minds. He purifies and changes us just like that when we brig ourselves to Him like this. If you talk to Him about all this, He will do amazing things in your heart and mind as a result.

    Blessings and thank you for sharing!!! This is one post I’m saving!! 

    July 10, 2012 at 11:27 am

  27. Alissa

    Hey, thank you for the honest posts!

    I think it is GREAT these topics are being discussed! We shouldn't be ashamed we all struggle with these questions. However, even though I appreciate the insights, I strongly disagree with the views on masturbation Cherry shares. I struggled with masturbation and I can certainly say it IS a sin and, from my point of view, there is NO way a person can engage in this without wanting more, and more. Of course we were created to find and enjoy pleasure, but I believe God intended sexual pleasure as something meant to be SHARED with our husbands/wives. There is nothing, nothing wrong with learning to know your body with the help of your spouse! It can be actually fun! Sexual pleasure was NOT meant to be a solitary experience. What can be more awesome (in terms of earthly relationships) than two spouses wanting to provide pleasure to each other?

    With all due respect to different opinions, I do believe masturbation IS a sin that may open the door for other sins. I would not advise single/engaged women to try it (why not wait and build a unique sexual relation with your husband?). It just creates anxiety, eagerness for more, at the wrong time.

    That's been my own experience and I wanted to share it. Now that God has helped me overcome it, I cannot wait until I'm married to enjoy sexual pleasure in the way He intended it :)

    July 10, 2012 at 12:05 pm

  28. I loved this post, and I wish I had been able to read more things while I was engaged. I feel like my sexual relationship with my husband has definitely been affected by the decisions I/we made regarding sexuality before we got married (both in our relationship and in others), but I'm not sure if I'll ever know what choices I would have made differently. I think this post and all the comments really proves that each person needs to turn to their personal relationship with God (or whatever spirituality looks like for you) and find out what is right for them. We can argue all day long about wrong and right, but the truth is that what's ok will never be exactly the same for two people. I love the fact that GWP is a forum for honesty, vulnerability and discussion. It's so desperately needed these days. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Cherry!

    July 10, 2012 at 2:32 pm

  29. My first thoughts in reading the question were, if you are marrying a man who totally love YOU, then you aren't going to have to seduce him, honey. And, I'll bet everything that you are already sexy to him. Knowing that your husband desires you (as you) is a big way to feel sexy.
    And do not believe that sex is all about super crazy stuff. I just wrote a post on my blog about this – sex is about relating to one another. So, your wedding night is about learning trust & vulnerability. Exploring, learning & loving.
    Don't make a big deal about what your lingerie looks like & all that stuff. He'll think you are sexy. The lingerie I took on my honeymoon all looks frumpy to me now. I don't wear it anymore. The stuff I like now, would've felt too crazy to me then. But that is okay. In his memory, they were all smokin' hot. (I had to show them to him, so he could see why I didn't think they were as great as his memory was telling him. He agreed, that they weren't that hot, looking at them now. But, it was who was in the "frumpy" lingerie that he found irresistible.)
    I was a virgin & so was my husband. I will admit that part of me not feeling scared or intimated was the fact that he was a virgin, too. I think it could feel totally different, if your new husband is not. In that case, I would communicate your fears directly to him. Let him make you know how much he wants you.

    July 10, 2012 at 4:45 pm

  30. Anonymous

    I love this post, it is so interesting and thoughtful. Thanks Cherry and Lauren!

    July 10, 2012 at 7:22 pm

  31. Victoria

    Thank you for writing this. Through my adolescene i have always questioned why i had sexual feelings if sex was wrong. I wondered why God didnt keep those desires locked up until i was married. I was confused by verses that said God would never tempt me and yet there i am horny and no amount of prayer would take it away.I eventual learned through prayer and guidance from other Christian women, married and single that it was God’s perfect design to make me/us this way. My sexuality does not function apart from my walk with God but with my walk with God. Whether a woman chooses to masturbate or not is no one’s business besides her’s and God in my opinion. It is our own responsibility to monitor ourselves. I know i have an addictive personality which means its my responsibility to guard myself against my triggers. When i am married though i will experience and discover what i like with my husband, I do not think God intended for me to burn through my panties as a single. And to view my desires as sinful and masturbation as a foothold for the devil. That is giving the devil too much power/credit that he doesnt deserve.

    I know some people struggle with the addictions of the sexual nature. To them the same standards apply as it does with other addictions, stay away from your vice if you know it isnt good for you. But that does not mean everyone needs to follow suit because of another’s weakness in this area. God made us all unique and different and though His standard of premarital sex is clear; just say no. Masturbation is not. Empowering a young woman to know her body is not a sin. It is her body first before any man comes into the picture and then they share each other once they are married. To shun a female’s self awareness is to express to her that their sexuality is not vaild without a husband to please her; making her incomplete before marriage. We all know that is a lie since God is who makes us whole entirely and solely. As a single, God may never bring a man into my life, no woman is guarenteed a husband. Which leaves me to maintain my sexual appetite and purity. God does not take these desires away just because a woman doesnt get married. So to those who feel masturbation is wrong, what comfort do you give the single and potentially virgin 27 years old who may not want to marry or has no potential mates lined up? Do you tell her to put some ice down there to cool off? Pray harder, read more scriptures?

    A woman’s worth and sexuality is her own to govern with the Lord. If a husband is ever presented then it is theirs to share. Its time we teach our girls that life doesnt begin after you gain a husband but that self love begins long before that. Also, there were a few comments about masturbating taking away from martial sex and causing a gap between couples and God. I can guarantee a sexually frustrated wife who saved herself for marriage and is not recieving the pleasure she waited for is just as damaging to a marriage and can cause the same gap between the couple and God. If not more due to th disappointment she may feel, especially if her husband doesnt take the time to do his job in bringing pleasure to her as much as she is him.As well as a sense of betrayal towards for God for not making her wait worth it. In an ideal world both would invest in learning how to please each other but as stated earlier in the comments that isnt always the case. Knowing what she likes can help curve some of those expectations. Ive come across women my age and older who are still not aware of what the heck their clitoris is. They lay there during sex never recieving the pleasure they expected partly due to their own ignorance about THEIR own body. How can we tell someone what we like if we dont know ourselves? This applies to alot of different situations not just with sex. I wouldnt know i detest romcoms if i never watched one. I wouldnt know i wanted to be counselor if I didnt go through it and see it myself. I wouldnt know what God wants me to do next if i didnt seek and ask. Alot of this goes back to personal responsibility to ourselves and God first. Which should happen long before someone says I do.

    Thank you again for writing this. It truly blessed my year.

    July 10, 2012 at 7:49 pm

  32. Rebecca

    I really wanted to comment but didn't have much say that hasn't already been said and then repeated several times. I think this is a great post merely because it causes women to be open and honest with themselves, think about the topic at hand, dive into the word and make a descion for themselves. For so long I thought part of being a christian meant agreeing with my pastor 100% of the time… well now that I'm in college I have a two pastors so who do I believe? Because they are different have different experiences and therefore differ on some topics. It made me stop and think and make a descion instead of blindly following someone. Thats what I love about GWP. They make me think and make descions about who I am in Christ and what I believe. Like Lauren kept repeating it is not about what is right and what is wrong, it's about open honest discussion where women can make informed descions for themselves.

    July 11, 2012 at 12:50 am

  33. Tiffany

    As a married woman who did struggle with masturbation pre-marriage, I would echo those who are wary of the advice given. I felt like masturbation allowed me to be MORE frustrated when sex was hard/awkward/confusing because I already knew how to get myself to a level of pleasure that my husband did not. But I couldn’t exactly enumerate to him how to help me get there. I echo also those who said “be patient” because sex was not at all like the world tells you it is.

    On the birth control topic, I would say my libido decreased significantly. But the thing is, I married a wonderful husband who has worked with me through it. I’m still on birth control and we’ve been fine.

    Lastly, Lauren, will there be any posts from older married women on how to still feel sexy when well, you’re not so young and “perky” anymore? ;) I just feel like this post is directed at younger women, but sometimes I’d just really like to know how the getting older has affected women’s sex lives in marriage. And that’s a question I feel weird asking even older female mentors in person.

    July 11, 2012 at 1:12 am

  34. Anonymous

    After reading the comments I am more encouraged about the reaction to this post but after reading the post itself I was seriously concerned. I have really loved GWP to this point and I still believe you all always handle these topics with such grace and compassion and I've really appreciated it. However, I am a little disappointed that it seems that we've allowed the idea of grace to mean that we can't have a healthy shame or understanding of right and wrong. I know that a lot of things are not as black and white as we tend to think they are but that doesn't mean that there isn't a universal truth at the base of it all and that if you decide to ignore that universal truth that you can feel shame over what you've done. That shame is healthy and important because it usually illuminates a part of our lives that we need to correct or rethink.
    I'm one that has struggled with masturbation for a while now. It started innocently touching myself when I was little, not knowing why I was feeling so much pleasure but just knew that it felt good. However, you can't be ignorant forever and the feelings started to arouse curiosity and while for a while i was not lusting, it did cause me to start to make up fantasies in my head. It was always done in the confines of marriage in these fantasies (kind of funny) but soon I wanted to know more about sex and how things "worked" in the bedroom and started turning to sites and things that I just shouldn't have been looking at in high school. Luckily my parents had protective browsing on our family computer so my curiosity was prolonged, but as soon as I had my own laptop, I was more and more bold about "understanding" things, and that was my rational. However, I am ashamed to say that I have turned to porn several times. I am UNASHAMED to say that I was shamed at doing that act because I should feel that shame. I didn't need to know all that or see pictures of that or have porn as my idea of what sex is really like. Instead I should have turned to Christ with my temptation and asked him to strengthen me, but I wanted it and I wanted to know.
    See while I have grown up in a very conservative home, I was explained that sex is wonderful and great even as long as it is in the confines of marriage. It was not a stuffy Christian household, like unfortunately many Christians tend to grow up in. I am extremely grateful to this day however for my parents strict ideas of media we watched and listened to, because I've experienced first hand how even without those triggers you can still stumble upon something like masturbation. My shame is not a product of my upbringing and the idea in a Christian home that if you sin you are going to hell because that is not Christianity and THANK GOD we are covered by His grace. This is still a struggle for me and as many times as I make an effort to take Paul's advice and use self control, if I am not praying hourly and taking each minute by minute I tend quickly forget my prayers of the morning in the darkness of the night. I have encountered people that have told me both sides; that it is wrong and you shouldn't do it to it's just like an appetite and as long as you aren't being glutenous about it then you're fine. I have to say that while that second answer would really help my situation it isn't the answer. I can't ignore the healthy shame I feel after I please myself, especially the fact that I have to lust and create fantasies in my head in order to get the feeling. I really wish I could have the opportunity later to "figure out" what makes me feel good down there with my future husband; I mean you're both learning how to please each other other anyways so why do we need to figure out what makes us feel good down there before we are with the person that we should be doing it with. I guess what I'm saying is that if you want to get in touch with your sexy side then go to a salsa club or take belly dancing classes, get yourself cute lingerie and spend time getting all dolled up. You don't have to have it all figured all out before you're with the one you love.

    July 11, 2012 at 7:59 am

  35. Kimberly

    I am a married woman. Our sex life has been challenged tremendously at times, our sex life has been amazing at times. I cannot imagine any healthy Christian advocating women to not know their body, to know what a clitoris is, or how and orgasm works (for both men and women), and ALSO having a fundamental understanding of intimacy. This post has many extremes, even in the comments. All these things should exist together.

    Knowledge of body = good
    Knowledge of reproduction = good
    Knowledge of orgasm = good
    Submitting it all to its proper place = good

    I am in the camp of those who understand that sexual intimacy is not made for personal pleasure. There is a lot of cultural baggage throughout this post, including that women have to be sexy for their husbands all the time. Ladies: HEAR ME – if you want to GO FOR IT! And love every minute. If you don't – DON'T! If your husband wants something that you are not up for (or vice versa! – I have been there!) talk it out. This entire thing is about intimacy, not simply a good orgasm (though awesome they are!).

    Learning one another sexually (in marriage) is not a problem or something to "get through" until it gets good…THAT IS THE GOOD! We are learning to communicate and love and be intimate in a way no one else is with us. And that calls for vulnerability and honest communication (including knowing your body parts and saying the words clitoris and vagina to your spouse). So if that is difficult for you, don't just start masturbating…start with understanding, and possibly counseling. Use a mirror if you need to, know yourself! That is a good idea. But consider that intimacy cannot be simply used for your self, and consider the damage it can do within a partnership of two people who are trying to learn to please one another (but cannot compete with self stimulation).

    It is true that this topic is semantically silent in the Bible (you can't find the word "masturbate"). But, there is plenty about intimacy with each other and with God. All of us are sexual beings, that is what makes us able to have relationship with one another. Sexual is the capacity for intimacy, and sexual is not just intercourse. My sexuality makes it possible for me to breastfeed my daughter. There are many aspects to sexuality. Let's broaden our understanding of intimacy and long for the REAL thing.

    Pleasure is not THE THING in this topic, intimacy is. And we are all created for that.

    July 11, 2012 at 12:31 pm

  36. meganleiann

    I'm a bit confused about the "self-exploration" thing. While I would agree that it's not necessarily wrong, I'm not sure why it's advised. Isn't the whole point of this post that no woman NEEDS to be a sex kitten walking into the bedroom the first night? Wouldn't that be something fun for a bride and her husband to do in their first few nights together? In my experience asking your husband to do something specific is often more difficult than asking him to play around and explore.

    July 11, 2012 at 2:23 pm

  37. I don't know exactly where I land yet, as far as my thoughts on all of this goes; but dang… do I LOVE that it's all being said. And being said well.

    Just ripping off shame, one day at a time.

    GWP, I am abundantly glad you exist.

    July 11, 2012 at 4:33 pm

  38. Traci

    Thank you thank you thank you for saying this Crystal. Thank you for sharing Biblical truth!

    July 11, 2012 at 5:56 pm

  39. Pingback: Ask A Married Woman: When Sex Physically Hurts - Good Women Project

  40. Ray

    Wow, Anonymous. That's my story. Thanks for sharing.

    July 12, 2012 at 1:58 am

  41. Anna

    Thank you so much. As a 22 year old, single virgin, thank you. This has been something I have been giving much thought to lately. Reading this created a deep peace in me.

    July 12, 2012 at 3:42 pm

  42. John

    CS Lewis on masturbation:

    "For me the real evil of masturbation would be that it takes an
    appetite which, in lawful use, leads the individual out of himself to
    complete (and correct) his own personality in that of another (and
    finally in children and grandchildren) and turns it back; sends the
    man into the prison of himself, there to keep a harem of imaginary
    brides. This harem, once admitted, works against his ever getting out
    and really uniting with a real woman. For the harem is always
    accessible, always subservient, calls for no sacrifices or
    adjustments, and can be endowed with erotic and psychological
    attractions which no woman can rival." Finally, among these fantasies
    the man "is always adored, always the perfect lover; no demand is made
    on his unselfishness, no mortification ever imposed on his vanity. In
    the end, they become merely the medium through which he increasingly
    adores himself."

    "And it is not only the faculty of love which is thus sterilized,
    forced back on itself, but also the faculty of imagination. The true
    exercise of imagination in my view, is (a) To help us understand other
    people, (b) To respond to, and, some of us, to produce art. But is has
    also a bad use: to provide for us, in shadowy form, a substitute for
    virtues, successes, distinctions, etc. which ought to be sought
    outside in the real world-e.g., picturing all I'd do if I were rich
    instead of earning and saving. Masturbation involves this abuse of
    imagination in erotic matters (which I think bad in itself) and
    thereby encourages a similar abuse of it in all spheres. After all,
    almost the main work of life is to come out of our selves, out of the
    little dark prison we are all born in. Masturbation is to be avoided
    as all things are to be avoided which retard this process. The danger
    is that of coming to love the prison."

    July 12, 2012 at 5:23 pm

  43. walkingbarefootblog

    I seriously wasn't going to comment again. I really liked the post, and the spirit of it all: helping women go from one extreme to the other and that it's ok when you're married. I understand what was being said, and how it could be easily misinterpreted to say one thing: it's ok to participate in "sin", when it says another. I really appreciated it.

    But I have to say, I also LOVED the quote from C.S.Lewis. It totally gives a good picture of what the spirit of pornography and sexual sin have done to society and individuals. And rather than say I agree or disagree with the post or the comments, I'm going to throw this out there. C.S. Lewis' thoughts are right on, and so are Cherry and Lauren's. And they are not talking about the same thing. AT. ALL. One is talking about sin and the other two are talking about figuring out how your body works. One misses God's mark, and the other- in and of itself- isn't sin when you are walking and talking steadily with your Creator. So, maybe I am saying whether I agree or disagree……haha……the hearts and spirits of helping women walk away from guilt is amazing. Blessings to you both. And again, my heart is with those who struggle with this kind of topic and I pray for your freedom and all God's sweetest blessings on you.

    July 12, 2012 at 9:23 pm

  44. Emily

    I struggled with an addiction to masturbation…until I realized it wasn't "sending me to hell." Once I figured out it was nothing to be ashamed of, it became less of a taboo and I no longer rely on it as a crutch. Now it is a celebration…I rejoice in my sexuality! Because my fantasies aren't focused around actual people (they are more "ideas" based around a vague future partner), I do not lust after anyone and therefore I'm not led into sin. This discovery pulled me from depression and other forms of self-mutilation (yes, I considered my habits self-mutilating!)

    Anything can be bad in excess. Sex has not been devalued for me – if anything, this experience in delicately nurturing my sexy side has taught me to value it instead of thinking of it as "disgusting" or "sinful." I am no longer a slave to my sexuality! And I thank God for that.

    July 25, 2012 at 6:22 pm

  45. Pingback: Turn Your Sexy On! | Simply Sex(uality)

  46. Amaya

    Haha, honestly, the look on my face when I read, "and then (gulp) you need to touch yourself… in a sexual way.*" my jaw about dropped. I've grown up in a very conservative home, so I would have never imagined someone advising that on a website filled with women I admire very much.

    I do appreciate the comment though, I instantly questioned my beliefs. The world had said "play with yourself" and well… I try to ignore the world's advice because it isn't right often enough, and I've made mistakes. But I do love a good test to my opinions and beliefs and a new thing to research in the Bible about and talk to God about… I LOVE having that opportunity.

    When I was younger my conservative background didn't stop me from "touching myself". Unfortunately, that also involved phone conversations with my pervert of a boyfriend at the time. After he was gone I still had to break the addiction. I was young and I do regret it. I feel like playing with yourself is like finding out what gift you are getting before you are allowed to open it. You haven't necessarily played with or owned the toy yet, but you you kinda have an idea of what it is… it ruins the surprise!

    I am a virgin ( I know, that means I have less experience and could very well not have a clue what I am talking about); I have worried about sex before. I was home schooled much of my life, thus I don't know as much about sex as a lot of people do…. But I am choosing to be confident in myself. My first kiss, at 19 years old, was da-bomb and I rocked it. Wasn't awkward at all! (Though it would have been cooler if I had saved that for my future husband..)

    It occurred to me, why should I care? If my husband loves me for who I am it doesn't matter! We can figure it out together. Laugh at the awkward moments and sex hopefully wont be something that is focused only on MY release or to satisfy MY my needs or MY desires, or only his, (I understand we do have those..But had I not played with myself he woudn't be expected to accomplish something I know I can do by myself) but it would be something fun we could learn together. It would and will be an adventure, just for the two of us.

    Besides, the more I fuss about preparing and the more I worry about how sexy I need to be, the more awkward I know I will make it.

    On a side note: My friends and I do talk about how we can't wait to buy sexy things to wear for our husbands. Dressing sexy sounds so fun! I'm not engaged, so I'm going to wait until I am to buy things like that… to avoid temptation.

    I hate this phrase… but talking about how much we worry when we really shouldn't I would like to say: YOLO!!!

    November 12, 2012 at 9:55 pm

  47. TSa

    I was a virgin when I got married. My wedding night was awful. I hated my honeymoon. But I did what a Christian wife was suppose to do. Nine years later I still hate it. Nothing is promised even if you do the so called right thing and wait till your married to have sex. I'm living proof. I feel like I was cheated.

    December 17, 2012 at 2:36 am

  48. Faith

    The animosity shown in several comments to the post that proposed the idea that women have freedom to release sexual tension and to feel pure in their hearts about the pleasure that comes from their body is an example of why many women have to learn to manage their sex drives outside of the church. A proper, fair debate would give people space to be open to explore the interpration of scripture and the spirit of God on this subject. The shaming, “I’m so disappointed in you”, “makes me never want to come back to the site again” does not give women the space to ask the questions, suggest ideas, and to figure out why a particular decision would be profitable or not for them in the long-run. Critical thinking builds wise spiritual and sexual decisions, not closing down the discussion before it has a chance to unfold. As a young girl, home-schooled in a conservative christian family — I received the whole warning as soon as I asked about my body and why it responded to my touch, “Don’t touch yourself, that’s not ok.” I had a calling on my life to follow God in my teens from a personal experience from a meaningful encounter in High School. At a young age I was what most people would consider devout. I helped out at purity retreats in college. I am the only virgin in my family, made up of a complete list of siblings and parents who did not make it to their wedding night a virgin. Very similar to the statistics of how most Americans do not find it possible to wait until marriage, 27 years being the average age of marriage, to first have sex. So I do understand a thing or two about living abstinent for long periods of time as a lifestyle. I am now 27 years old and still going strong for keeping myself a virgin for the wedding day. There is nothing that will break up a person’s faith faster than the idea that God cares very little for their sorrows and troubles they are faced with in this world. The church can preach “God loves you” out of its ears but when it comes down to it…do they lead the way for the hungry to get fed, and for the people out in the cold to get invited into a warm place? When it comes to sex God is compassionate, and he is far more active in helping people and compassionate than people who put burdens on the shoulders of people they can never be expected to carry. There is a sex drive problem. Moralizing it, demonizing it, avoiding it and stuffing it are a short term fix for a LONG term problem. Every growing young person with a robust body (excluding perhaps people with low sex drive like a natural eunuch) will encounter a non-negotiable problem they must resolve on how to deal with their natural, persistent sexual hunger. To people who say God should be the end all solution for sex drive, why did Christ not reprimand Adam when he saw that he was sad in the garden? A perfect relationship with God, yet God in his compassion made Eve, because sexual expression is something the human body and spirit are designed to express. God will help people find solutions to their sexual problems, not judge them or accuse them of loving him any less. That being said, in the context of my journey for the first 22 years of my life I never experimented with myself because of the enormous prohibitions and taboos which surrounded my body. It literally, and I do not say this lightly, was driving me crazy. As a young woman with a healthy or high sex drive, not channeling my sexual needs or having any way to ease them was actually making more vulnerable to addictions (persistant thoughts of sex) because there was no self care permissable. It was out of absolute physical starvation and growing neuroticism that I struggled on my own with no guidance to try to learn to do something. Anything to put me back in touch with my body and sanity. So for the first time ever I tried to masturbate at the age of 23 and even then I felt embaressed and wicked for giving myself a chance to be down there. What followed was such a simple physical and mental release that for the first time I could go about my day with the sex problem out of my mind and body, finally dealt with in a responsible manner. Now at the age of 27 I occasionally masturbate, perhaps once or twice a month. I do not lust or think of other people while I’m doing it — that is entirely unnecessary. I simply give my mind and body release when it reaches the point that it is hurting my thought life more NOT to masturbate, then to masturbate to deal with my physical needs. I usually do thank God near the end because I am at last able to deal with in 3 minutes what would otherwise be a stumbling block to my body for days or weeks. Absolute prohibition tends to make sin more attractive, but a balanced freedom to choose what is profitable makes sin less of a temptation and allows people to meet their needs without condemnation. The burden of God is easy and light, much less complicated than people make it out to be who have no mercy for struggling singles. The average age of marriage is now 27 years old. I personally know it would have been far less likely I would have been able to survive as a virgin for 27 years if I hadn’t found a way to co-exist with my sex drive. At the age of 23 I literally could not take it any more and if I had not masturbated I would have forced myself into a quick and poorly set marriage, or premarital sex if there had been no merciful alternative. As I get older I feel like the mercy of God is far greater than the mercy of men. Having three brothers, it is common knowledge to me that they knew how to masturbate because they chatted about it among themselves. Even in christian groups, I heard once of a topic at men’s bible study from a pastor the young men received a guidance training on how to masturbate without thinking lustful thoughts or viewing pornographic material so they can deal with their needs without sinning. Men were given the means to deal with their sexual energy in a practical fashion, while women were invisible in they might need coaching for this same concern. For example within the same organization such advice was never brought up at a girls purity retreat. The fact that some men claim on this thread they never masturbate, they are the exception and it does not change the fact that men in society are expected to have and to deal with sex drive (wet dreams, etc), while women are told to make Jesus their lover and have him fill all their needs (whatever that means; absolute nonsense since God will not come down and perform the physical duties of a husband). It is dehumanzing to women to be given, pardon my language, bullshit answers and so little assistance to deal with physical problems posed to their bodies when they have no permission to manage and live sensibly with their sexual drive. As for the apologetics that God only wants women to experience anything while it is within marriage — so all masturbation must be justified only by leading up to marriage. God not only considers the happiness of a couple important, he also cares about the hearts and minds of individuals. If going without release is hurting individuals, a compassionate God will have room for intervention. Problems posed in this country include: later marriage age, numbers problem–there are far more christian women than men available for a godly marriage, and any kind of obvious disadvantage (ugliness, disability, etc.) that can make it difficult for some people to compete in the marriage market. Many people who want to be in a godly marriage have never been able to find such union or spouse depsite their great need. Not because Christ would not bring them one, but the times are so dark, and there are so many forces working against singles — especially christian singles — it is getting harder and harder to match up at a reasonable age. This means there are MANY people who are trying to live a celibate life who are NOT physically and mentally built for celibacy. I have no tolerance for people who will not lift a finger to suggest grace to help singles fighting to survive with sanity, and peace in their heart by reconciling with their body in an imperfect situation. Struggling singles are already in so much pain who are trying to measure up, they do not need shame being added to the small amount of bread they take out to reach because they are at times physically starving. I’m sure God is not as cruel as some people are in ignoring the heart’s desire of young people, which will include practical methods to surivive the in between stage before marriage. Lauren and Cherie are some of the few voices that suggest women have hearts and feelings and I dare say bodies that God cares about independently and desires their wellbeing regardless if it manifests as needs while they are still single: since there is always that if, BIG IF they ever get the luxury to be married. In the meantime he will allow them what they need to keep their mind and body in health, which will occasionally and most likely include for many people having a periodic release and grace for their sex drive. This has to be a part of how God loves us in giving us grace to manage because he is the one who provided us with the body that poses the problem of having to live inside it and manage it. For some periodic masturbation will be profitable and healing to their heart as a kindness to their body. When other people judge such reasonable cases and pour on the guilt it will make it more difficult to take a hold of this relief without feeling isolated and ostracized. That is the response of people and not God, it also is not a small thing to put a stumbling block in front of someone. Many young men leave the church, or many young people period just ignore the teachings of the church and just end up practicing premarital sex. If there is no gracious answer for the in betweens, what can the church expect for singles to do except search outside it in for some source of light? Helping and counseling people to get married earlier, hosting dances, and matching up christian singles are some ways pastors can try to speed along the process of meeting people’s needs. Which I might add churches often do poorly if at all and by and large are failing young people who need help to live up to the standards. However, ultimately for those who do continue to faithfully wait they are few and far between. The churches should be at the forefront of compassionate christianity that allows young people to be loved by God and still be given the tools and space to remain sexual creatures while they are waiting for marriage or wish to survive celibacy while they serve christ in ministry.

    December 24, 2012 at 4:34 am

  49. anon

    Masturbation is a GRAVE sin! Please don’t encourage Christians to engage in it. There is a reason that many who start with “natural” and “harmless” masturbation end up graduating to porn to scratch the same itch. It’s wrong period. Read Theology of the Body which talks about the Christian perspective if sex. No it isn’t dirty or bad but it is only for within marriage. I am really shocked and disappointed to read this post endorsing sexting and masturbation. Lord help us!

    January 1, 2013 at 4:55 pm

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  53. Great article!

    December 9, 2013 at 9:55 pm

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