Ask A Married Woman: How Did You Go From Virgin To Sexy & Seductive?
IMPORTANT Editor’s Note: This month we are answering our readers’ questions to married women! We realize that sex is an enormous topic and absolutely cannot be addressed in whole in a single place. Please give us grace and the benefit of the doubt as we seek to share the wisdom and experience of multiple married women in our community on the topic, and do not take it as rules, formulas, or “right vs wrong” that Good Women Project is trying to give you for your personal sex life. We never want to instruct you, assume too much about your personal life, or compromise your personal beliefs. We realize and respect that some of our readers’ views and preferences may differ, and our CHIEF reason for opening dialogue on the topic is to rid our lives of shame, fear, and guilt from the places it does not belong. We also ask you to ask questions in our comments to the authors to clarify instead of being quick to anger or condemnation. The topic is easily misunderstood, and it must be an open conversation. Thank you. – Lauren
QUESTION: How did you go from virgin to sexy and seductive towards your husband if that side has been switched off your entire life?! – asked by a 22-year-old single woman
Renee Fisher: I was the girl who dreamed of the day I could finally have sex. I hated reading books by “Christian” men that said women don’t desire sex. I am proud to say that I was a virgin when I got married. That’s 29 long years of crazy sexy ideas for seducing my future husband. Tip #1 – Don’t take it personal. Every time you have sex, it’s different — and there will be times when you or your partner won’t finish or doesn’t want to have sex at that very moment. Don’t let that freak you out. Tip #2 – Buy lingerie and lots of it. Tip #3 – Sexy is good. Sexy is good. Sexy is good. Growing up as a Christian taught me one thing about sex: it’s bad. I can’t tell you how frustrating it was to just get married and be expected to flip the switch from bad to good. Even though I was super eager to try — and have only been married for 9 months — it takes practice. Tip #4 – What may be seductive to you may not be seductive to your partner. THIS IS OKAY. Find out what that is and teach it to each other. :)
Valerie Bryant: Trial and error plus a sense of humor. Trust your husband to support you in all your efforts at sexiness, and don’t be afraid to try something that sounds wacky or terrifying — it just might be the very thing that makes you feel amazing and vixenish! Some things may not work at all, but don’t forget to laugh about it together — there is very little that is sexier than a genuine, shared smile between lovers.
Elora Nicole: My husband and I didn’t have sex until we were married, and we were both each other’s firsts. I can’t stress this enough: have fun. Know your own limits. Communicate beforehand so your husband knows what you will or won’t do, and you know what he will or won’t do. Also, embrace your feminine side. A little make up, some perfume, and lotion makes me feel sexy.
Lauren Dubinsky: I wasn’t a virgin when I got married, but “having sex before marriage” doesn’t inherently give you confidence in the bedroom. Regardless of when it is that you first have sex, no one, male or female, is 100% confident immediately. So be encouraged that if you’ve waited for marriage, you’re getting more confident in the presence of a man who loves you no matter what. “Sexiness” is an aspect of my nature, and it hinges upon MANY things. Trust, safety, comfort, emotional connection, and the absence of shame/fear/guilt/incorrect expectations. That means that our ability to be sexy or seductive relies primarily on our relationship with the guy, and our perception of ourself — NOT on our experience or “skill.” A lot of it comes naturally, but if you have hangups or issues (like 95% of people I know), counseling is definitely the first step. Don’t ignore your struggle. Don’t keep it to yourself. I don’t know how any married couples make it without counseling, honestly, and it’s been a massive help to me in letting go of insecurities, crazy things in my head, and fear —which in turn is giving me permission to be sexxyyy.
Prudy: Ask him what he finds sexy; it may be a lacy little number or it may be one of his button down work shirts. Leave notes hidden for him or sext him [texting dirty things]! And create a playlist of “in-the-mood music” just for YOU.
Katy Hill: For me, it just took time to get comfortable with that switch. I waited for myself, not for what anyone else expected of me. I didn’t come from a super conservative household, but it was still tough to realize it was okay to be sexy and seductive toward my husband. Don’t be hard on yourself if it takes longer than you expected!
Alyssa Agee: Your sexy and seductive side should NOT be “turned off” until the moment you say “I do!” Do things on your own time to feel sexy for yourself. And once you’re married? Take a deep breath and let go of your inhibitions. Turn the lights on. Laugh a lot. Ditch the lingerie if it makes you feel uncomfortable and glory in your own skin. That’s sexy.
Lindsay Satterfield: No one I know has gotten married and instantly became a sex kitten.
Shelly DeVore: It really wasn’t that difficult for me once I realized that it is a GOOD desire. In a strange way, it’s kinda like getting a drivers license; something you’ve wanted to do for a long time and now all the sudden it’s not only ok, but right and good. SO MUCH FREEDOM. I didn’t find that I had to “work” at it, and I was a virgin when we got married.
Carley Lollie: For me, it came really naturally since we were both learning each other at the same time. Sex gets better with time (and you’ve got a lot of it now!). It’s an adventure, and it’s what you were designed as a woman to be. Just being open to the idea of sex is the biggest step.
Sarah Bessey: Well, I didn’t start off too virginal, so it wasn’t a problem. I was a sexually active teenager, and although that brings its own baggage, I was very comfortable with my own sexuality and needs. I don’t think that it’s too healthy to live “switched off.”
Second Note: Below, we’ve brought in Cherry from Married Spice to give more detail and some important perspective! She’s the sweetest Christian woman who gives tons of sex advice to married women dealing with issues in the bedroom. We wanted to share her very raw and honest thoughts at risk of starting a comment-war! Again, don’t take this as right and wrong, but simply something to add into the discussion. Have fun, and read with an open mind. Feel free to ask her questions in the comments, or send her an email at marriedspice[at]hotmail.com
Cherry: I wasn’t a virgin, but I will say as advice to the virgin bride goes: get to know yourself, your body, before the wedding. You really need to explore your sexuality. You are a sexual being. God made us to experience this in a very real way! Buy lingerie EARLY, and then (gulp) you need to touch yourself… in a sexual way.* Try to NOT be on the pill, if you can. Your hormones are your best friend here. If you ovulate, you will feel sexier. Use that to your advantage. Nothing wrong with your new husband using condoms for awhile. Get to know your body while you can have orgasm and enjoy it. Feeling sexy is a state of mind. For us girls it is HUGE. Think about sex, think about your beautiful body and how it was made for pleasure. Half the battle to sexiness is won in the mind!
I realize there is a dividing line here for some Christian women, but the issue still remains that many Christian women are NOT in touch with their sexuality. Therefore, they’ve never had an orgasm, do not think sex is ”necessary” after kids, and do it just to please their husbands. Some do it to be obedient to God, but since they have NEVER gotten to know their body personally, they have missed out on pleasure. And yes, physical pleasure is something that God created for both men and women.
Look at how males grow up. They get to know their penis from infancy. Diaper comes off, and BAM, they are grabbing it and playing with it. It is external, so obviously they’ll grab it, but it also feels good to them. They are intimate with their sex organ from the get go while girls have no idea what their vulva is. Let alone a clitoris. But this has been and still is the biggest disservice we are doing to our little girls. They grow up, never looking, never playing with, never considering this as the fun zone. It’s usually, the ”no no zone.” And we wonder why women have such fickle, un-interested sexual appetites for their spouses. If they grow up thinking it’s dirty, this becomes such a mental battle after the wedding night.
*Earlier, when I mentioned touching yourself sexually? Everyone has differing opinions on this, but it’s important to note that shame has no place in your life, regardless of what you have or have not done. Once you are engaged, and “if” up to this point (because of beliefs or whatnot) you haven’t touched yourself to get to know what feels good, NOW IS THE TIME!
The funny thing is, EVERY woman’s man has given in to self-pleasure. YES, EVERY SINGLE ONE. Whether they used porn is a whole other matter. What matters here is the fact that, all by themselves, their man HAS masturbated. Not just once, but a lot. And he knows his body, he knows what feels good… because he’s had lots of practice. What he isn’t going to know is how to please you. And how can you expect another person to know your body better than you know yourself? So, as an engaged woman, this is an important time to get to know the wonderful body God gave you, and to explore, look in a mirror, find your spots, and think about your guy. This way, on her wedding night (after more likely) you can show him and he can show you what feels good.
If you are worried about your thought-life in all of this, think about your husband and the pleasure you can bring to him. The rest of your thought life is between you and God. If you believe you are the center of your soon-to-be husband’s desire, then feeling sexy is cake, and your focus will be on the right place. The confidence comes when we get to know our bodies for what God created them to be.
How do you learn your body without it resulting in an addiction to pleasure? It’s a bridge to cross as needed. (If you deal with addiction, I HIGHLY recommend licensed counseling, no matter what it costs you.) As an example, I love chocolate. I can eat it with pleasure without gorging myself. Some people cannot. Should I tell people that if they eat chocolate, they better eat it slowly and only one or two pieces, so that they don’t over do it and become addicted? Not necessarily. This is why it’s important for you to know that your body is ultimately your responsibility, and to pay close attention to your heart.
Anything God created can be abused and turn sinful. So, to caution too much about self-pleasuring then causes one to hesitate and think of it as evil, bringing us back to square one. So again, it’s between you and God if you are concerned with your behavior being pleasing to Him. Don’t be afraid to start looking for a woman you respect and trust to discuss this with personally.
Want to join us & pass this along to other women in your life?
Follow Good Women Project on Twitter: @goodwomenproj
Be a fan on Facebook: facebook.com/goodwomenproject
Subscribe to our email newsletter for insider updates here or subscribe to the blog here. Or both.
Everyone on our team is volunteer, and we are funded 100% by you. If you'd like to donate, you can here.
We're also doing fun stuff on Tumblr, Instagram, and Pinterest!