They Do Exist.

Ask A Married Woman: Should You Let A Guy Know You’re Into Him?

Editor’s Note: This month we are answering our readers’ questions to married women! Yesterday we talked about being single and feeling left out of “The Married Club” and on Monday we’ll be talking about how to be “sexy and seductive” when you’re a virgin or haven’t been sexually active for awhile before getting married. Today, one of our readers wants to know if she can let a guy know she likes him. – Lauren

QUESTION: How forward or obvious should you be if you are interested in a guy? Like should you let him know you are interested? Or just wait until he says/does something?

Valerie Bryant: The best way I know how to answer this is with a bolded, underlined, italicized, yes. Yes, you should let him know you’re interested! You know how anxious you are at the thought of letting him know you have feelings for him? Guys feel the exact same way. If we all just sat around not saying anything due to that fear and anxiety, there would be a whole lot of unrequited love in this world. Be bold; don’t rely on your actions or your flirting, which can always be misinterpreted or just plain overlooked. Simply tell him, “Hey, I love being around you, and I’m interested in dating you.” Armed with that information, let him pursue you from there.

Rhiannon Field: I was pretty obvious about my feelings with my husband (I actually kissed him first!), and it worked for us. Think about how difficult it is to put yourself out there. If you want a guy to ask you out, make yourself available (make your feelings a bit obvious). If you’ve made your feelings known and he still isn’t acting on them? I say go for it. If he says no, I promise you’ll be proud of yourself for being brave. No one ever gained anything valuable without ever taking a risk!

Photo by Branden Harvey / / Design by Lauren Dubinsky

Prudy: I think I made the first move on my now husband. If you’re interested in a guy ask him to coffee — something simple and not a huge event. If it’s just he and you, he’s probably gonna get the idea.

Katy Hill: Just be honest. Looking back now, I wasted too much time wondering, “Does he like me or not?” Take some time to get to know them and, when you’re ready, have a conversation. It’s better to hear the honest truth and know either way than to constantly wonder. Plus, guys aren’t always in tune to how girls feel about them. We can think we’re being super obvious, and they’ll have no clue. Not saying they’re dumb; they just don’t think about things the way we do. Also, make sure you are confident in who you are first before you try to start something with a guy. It may sound cliche, but it’s the absolute truth!

Lindsay Satterfield: Take initiative and tell him — then let him decide whether or not he’s going to pursue you. You definitely want to be with a guy who is going to actively pursue you throughout your marriage, not just until he puts a ring on it.

Carley Lollie: Be yourself — as much as possible, do what you would naturally do. If this means telling him you’re interested, go for it. Honesty is the first rule of any good relationship.

Sarah Bessey: Take the first step, let him know you’re interested, absolutely. Be brave! But you shouldn’t have to talk anyone into loving you. So if it isn’t met, or if you are finding yourself convincing yourself – or him – that this is worthwhile, I’d start to move my heart onward. When you know, you know, and he will know, too. And then it’s amazing.

Lauren Dubinsky: I always feigned severe disinterest in guys I liked, because I thought that was “pursuing” or “initiating,” which is often a big no-no in conservative or religious circles. Consequently, I felt like I had zero control over myself when men were around. I said things I didn’t mean, acted ways I didn’t feel, and ended up believing I had no say in who I ended up with. It was just the guy that ended up being the most persistent. It finally clicked that healthy relationships are 50/50, and that means letting a guy know what I think and how I feel, especially if I’m crushing on him! About a year and a half ago, I gathered up every ounce of courage, disobeyed “the rules,” and told my now-husband I liked him and wanted to know where the relationship was going. Turned out he’d been crushing on me for months and just assumed I’d never go for him. RIDICULOUS. Lesson? Go for what you want.

To read more on this subject, you may want to check out “How do I act available without being too forward?”

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154 Responses

  1. Janessa

    Lauren – EVERYTHING you said described me perfectly until about 5 years ago! I have had a crush on my husband since I was 6 and finally decided he'd never go for me unless I made it hard for him to get away lol (I had just moved out of my parent's house at 22 and was a bit of a mess so he was understandably a bit gunshy). It was definitley me pursuing him for a while until he finally got it ;).

    July 6, 2012 at 2:52 pm

  2. I disagree with most of the comments, or at least want to convey to the girls reading this that you have to decide what is most comfortable for you. Yes, it can be plaguing having feelings for a guy who is all the right things and loves and serves Jesus, but don't feel like because every girl on here more or less "went for it", that you have to as well in order to get a guy to marry you. Pray, ask your Father what is the best and most glorifying course of action, talk to godly ladies in your circle, and then decide. Your Dad loves you and is writing a beautiful and glorifying story with your emotions, feelings, relationships, and circumstances, that will certainly include pain, but will be for your good and His glory, and will never, EVER be absent of His presence and perfect love.

    All of that is to say, do what you think is most comfortable, and most in line with the Lord's heart.

    July 6, 2012 at 3:03 pm

    • Primrose

      I really agree with you! This is totally something we as young single ladies in Christ need to hear and take into consideration. Glory to God

      June 4, 2014 at 8:09 am

  3. Yes! When I was in primary school I would always tell whomever I liked that I liked them (eventually). It didn't ever go well, since we were like 5-10-12 &so-on. So by high school I was resigned to NEVER tell them. Then I had a poor experience with a crazy boy and got burned. A guy I had used to crush on but a friend liked him too ended up helping me get myself back together, and we became great friends. Then I crushed on him again. So after a while, I told him. And he was more than a bit put-off. But about 6 months later, when I was resigned to us just being friends even though I was crazy about him, he actually made a move and we've been together ever since. That was a year and a half ago. But I doubt he ever would have done anything if he hadn't already known I was interested! It took quite a bit for him to even get around to asking me out, too. He was nervous. It was cute.

    I love stories like all of these. SO great. <3

    July 6, 2012 at 3:06 pm

  4. I respectfully disagree. First, I'll start by saying I'm a 30 year old single male so feel free to take what I say with a grain of salt. The advice above seems to mostly be in the affirmative that you should initiate telling a guy how you feel and it's all coming from ladies who I assume are in loving, Christ-centered marriages. I can certainly appreciate the collection of knowledge from that group alone. That said I'm not here to rant against any point-of-view…obviously different approaches work for different couples. I can only comment on what I have discovered and what I believe to be the predominant feeling among men. I'll also add that I did really like what Prudy and Katy Hill had to say.

    To preface, I'm not missing half my teeth and I don't believe a woman's only place is barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen. That said I believe there is a natural ebb and flow in the relationship between and man and women from the time they start dating and into marriage based on each gender's strengths, weaknesses, and purpose. It is absolutely 50/50 but what each member brings to the table is very different and essential. God created men to be hunters, builders, and spiritual leaders of relationships. We have a deep desire of danger, adventure, and risk-taking. Yes, a woman needs to make herself available. I can't stand it when a girl tries to play the hard-to-get games with me but you make it clear that you are interested in a man by making yourself available to him. Absolutely be responsive and interested and throw a little flirt in there. I believe we as men need to have the guts (out of respect for readers I'm using the word "guts") that derive from the way we were created to be a little risky and verbalize our interest in women even when our chances don't look good. That precedence then is played out in the relationship as the man pursues the woman and leads her in marriage as a servant. If a guy doesn't have the wherewithal to take a risk and ask a girl out, then what does that say about his bravery and confidence in himself?

    Trust me, we are often as insecure and unsure of ourselves as women are, but I believe women almost begin to placate us in our weakness when they decide to take initiative instead of motivating us to be stronger by making themselves available for the 'hunt'. Nothing gives a man the type of pride and confidence that he has in looking at a beautiful woman and knowing that he went after her and succeed. Again, I'm not claiming there is only one way because every man and woman is unique but just based on the laws of averages if you want to be pursued and swept up by the passion of a good man, allow him to step up to bat and take initiative. Show him you're interested in your response to him. If he can't even ask you to coffee, you might examine his maturity and confidence.

    July 6, 2012 at 3:17 pm

    • So, if a girl has a crush on you, you don't want her to tell you?

      July 6, 2012 at 4:34 pm

      • Yes I want her to tell me with her actions and her response. But by coming out and telling me verbally that she is into me, the intrigue and challenge is lost. For men, the intrigue of pursuing a woman is very important. It's not about conquering her…but to attain her attention through intentional pursuit is essential, at least for me and most men that I know.

        July 6, 2012 at 5:08 pm

        • So…would sign language be better?

          I read this and I get mixed messages from you, Brandon. I can smile, and laugh at your jokes, and bat my eyelashes. But I can't tell you I like you?

          July 6, 2012 at 5:13 pm

          • Haley this is moving a little quicky for me…I feel like I barely know you…can we still be friends…?

            I do however appreciate a woman who approaches her comments like cupcakes…throwing a dab of sarcastic frosting on top. For the record, you can say whatever you want – I'm not crusading to shut women up. I'm just suggesting that MOST women in MOST circumstances should understand that MOST men would prefer to be the ones to verbally initiate and I believe you should typically let us. Unless you can clarify your question for me, I don't know how that sends a mixed message. Get your flirt on…but let us lead starting at the very beginning of the relationship…unless you're looking for a man to lead in which case…whatever floats your boat.

            July 7, 2012 at 9:33 am

          • I'm glad you appreciate the sarcasm, and I am glad you are not crusading to shut women up.

            What I am saying is that I like to flirt with my words, and I like to say what I mean. After awhile flirting starts to feel like a game, or like snacking (this explains what I mean by snacking:… and then I get annoyed. If you haven't pulled the trigger and asked me out, I'm going to want to do something about it. As much as being pursued can be enjoyable, at a certain point you just want a guy to tell you what he wants, to tell you that he is pursuing you for a reason. And a lady only likes to wait so long.

            July 10, 2012 at 1:20 pm

          • PS. I don't think a woman saying something early on in a relationship means that the relationship is DOOMED to female leadership. [gasp]

            July 10, 2012 at 1:21 pm

        • That's weird. My husband always has said that confident women who know what they want are a turn on.

          July 6, 2012 at 5:18 pm

          • I agree with your husband. Based on that statement, nothing he or I said is mutually exclusive.

            July 7, 2012 at 9:22 am

        • Daniel B

          I don't understand men who think like this. When you meet a woman you really like, it's more important that it be difficult for you to get to gether than it is important for you to … you know .. .actually end up together?

          August 9, 2012 at 9:23 pm

    • Laurel

      Well said!

      July 6, 2012 at 4:40 pm

    • Brooke

      I totally hear where you're coming from but I do have a question for you. What would you tell a woman who finds it difficult to "throw a little flirt in there"? I ask because I (and a lot of my friends) tend to have a problem letting a man know I'm interested without just saying it. When I'm actually interested I tend to get really nervous and shut down. What do you do with that?

      July 6, 2012 at 4:45 pm

      • Brooke…I totally understand where you're coming from. Sometimes the flirting game is completely lost on me as well and I wish there was an easy answer. I don't think it's destructive to make it obvious you want to spend time with a guy or make yourself really available to hang out…I just don't recommend being the first one to actually ask him out or tell him "hey I dig you." Like I said above, you doing that doesn't necessarily kill any chances of things working…who knows…you could have an experience similar to the ladies above. I can only base my opinion on my personal experience and that of my friends…and historically men don't respond well to women asking them out. If they do respond in a positive way, it tends to set a bad precedence down the road in who is pursuing who.

        July 6, 2012 at 5:12 pm

        • I see the point to keep in mind is this: a girl is ALLOWED to make your feelings obvious to a man (and it's ok if you're also uncomfortable doing that!) And yes, I think a man should be the leader in marriage and actively pursue his wife. It might not work with every man but if you're being YOURSELF, it will work for the RIGHT man for you. I made mistakes similar to the commenter below who said that she entered into relationships that she shouldn't have because she was the one who initiated with those men. Those were men just weren't the one. BUT I made my feelings obvious to my husband and he loves it.

          July 6, 2012 at 5:43 pm

    • Hanna

      To this, I would say… For a lot of men, verbal affirmation means a lot more than "batting your eyelashes." Men are different! We're not going to find one way of making our feelings known that's going to work for everyone. And as a matter of fact, why do I have to find non-verbal ways of making my feelings known to a guy when I'm a verbal, more forward person? If it works for me, and it works for him, then it works for us and the relationship has a shot.

      July 7, 2012 at 8:54 am

    • To me, there's a difference between letting a guy know that you're interested and initiating a relationship. For me, after being interested in a friend of mine for several years, I have been encouraged to write him a letter to let him know how I feel. Previously, I had been counseled to keep my feelings to myself and I did just that. But because we are long distance friends and because of some things specific to our friendship, it is difficult to make my feeling known by batting my eyelashes — and flirting does not come naturally to me.

      I've taken time to write this letter and have had several older, married women and some close guy friends read it over. I wrote it in such a way that I am not emotionally vomitting all my pent up feelings. But I use the letter to build him up, show how I respect him and reveal the fact that I am interested in him. But I leave it in his court — if he wants something more, he's free to initiate/pursue. I'm just stating the facts. And this is something I need to do to protect my own heart — either have him move forward with our relationship, or I need to step back from our friendship.

      I'm not pursuing him, but how will he know that I'm interested if I can't express it in another way? And I have had many guys tell me that guys are a bit oblivious to many "signs" that girls give that they're interested in them…

      July 17, 2012 at 3:46 pm

      • Daniel B

        "I'm not pursuing him"

        Yes, you are – you have something you want from the two of you and you are taking reasonable and direct steps to achieve that. "Leaving it in his court" doesn't mean it isn't pursuit – in fact ALL pursuit leaves the ball in the other person's court, think about it.

        August 9, 2012 at 6:38 pm

      • Sonja c

        So, I'm in a very similar situation… I was also going to write a letter. What happened after? How did you guys make the long distance relationship work? My friend and I live 3 hours apart…

        March 19, 2013 at 1:19 am

    • Phi

      I know a Woman initiated in the old testament. Ruth!!! and she went to his bed for goodness sakes. Not telling a guy your feelings can lead to many things, like liking him for years and never moving on. At least in telling him you can know how he feels.Then you can move on, liking someone can became hopeless because you don't know where it is going and where your feelings will end up. Words were created to express yourself not just actions and subtle hints, Not everyone knows how to read body language especially in this society where everything is so contorted that you don't know if someone is giving hints or its the way they are.

      December 11, 2014 at 4:44 pm

  5. Laurel

    I completely disagree with about 90% of these comments about the way these women approached their husbands. Asking a guy out? The woman making the first move? If anything this is the feminist movement of our culture being spoken. What happened to godly men who pursue the women they are interested in? "Do not awaken or arouse love before its proper time." Song of Solomon 2:7. I don't have a problem with being kind and hanging out with a guy that you are interested in, but if he doesn't even have the guts to ask you out on your first date without you telling him to then that is a bad sign. We as women are not called to be the leaders of relationships. I think that letting the guy know that you like spending time with him and being with him is fine but actually asking him on a date is ridiculous.
    Here is an piece from a wonderful dating blog, "When a woman initiates the flirting, it can often communicate, “Hey, I’m an easy victory for you. No risks here. I’ll say yes.” The man can easily see that she’s desperate. He’s left with two choices: do I take advantage of her because I know I can get what I want or do I ignore this pitiful woman’s begging for attention? Either way the woman loses. The easier the woman is to win over, the more quickly the man will become disinterested. A woman certainly wants to communicate to a man that she is interested, but that communication must come after he has initiated with her – not before. Even though some guys don’t know it yet, they really do want to fight for the women they are attracted to."
    However I think it is wonderful that all these women met godly men, I just have a different view on dating.

    July 6, 2012 at 3:31 pm

    • I think that everyone's fear here, I'm assuming, is that no one wants to see a girl end up in a relationship where the guy won't truly love her and isn't crazy about her. We all know what relationships look like when the girl is crazy about a guy, and he isn't really that into her. One traditional method of "protecting ourselves" from that has been to stay away from men who aren't overly initiative, and to never initiate a phone call or hanging out.

      Unfortunately, I think what most girls don't understand, is that if a guy has spent time trying to build a friendship with you, they are trying to figure out how interested you are in them. They're DYING for us to let them know that we're interested. And no, men usually don't read signs like smiles and low-key flirting. We have to use our words.

      Because we've been taught to let them make the first move – the "type of move" that WE are expecting, we miss out on all the moves they've been making (calling/texting/making it a point to talk to us). Of course, we'd all like a man who shows up on our doorstep with a dozen roses to ask us out, but that is an idea that Hollywood has sold us in chick flick after chick flick.

      I think it's a huge insult to men to challenge their masculinity or desire if they "don't have the balls" to ask you out because they're convinced you are way out of their league. They aren't pathetic for that, and they aren't always "not worth dating." We're all humans. The majority of men who are unsure about asking a really pretty girl out make AMAZING husbands. Yes, men are built to initiate and pursue, but this plays out within the relationship, not always before one exists.

      July 6, 2012 at 4:46 pm

      • Laurel

        I definitely see where you are coming from Lauren! I guess I just haven't experienced as many of the situations you are talking about as much as I have experienced situations with "back door boys" if you know what I mean. A "back door boy" is a guy that wiggles his way into your life through friendship with no intentions of actually having any commitment in the long run. I personally went on dates and hung out with a guy consistently for 6 months with him NEVER initiating or telling me how he felt about me or calling it what it was. At the end of the day after MUCH prayer I finally confronted him about what his intentions were and he proceeded to tell me how he felt like "the Lord was telling him not to date anyone right now." The funny part is that he had been taking me places and paying/texting/calling all 6 months. So needless to say I would prefer a guy that lets you know his intentions up front and asks to pursue you. I feel that that is part of the way the Lord made men to be- leaders and initiators. I see what you are saying about a nice shy guy who thinks that he may not have a chance, but me and most of my single friends encounter the opposite of this description. I honestly am thankful for your blog and think ya'll have amazing hearts! Just wanted to let you know where I am coming from personally- experience with non committal guys who can't step up and tell you what their intentions are in the first place.

        July 6, 2012 at 5:02 pm

        • I TOTALLY get what you mean. I've ended up in that exact same type of relationship. One really big thing I had to learn in dating is that things we do/don't do and ways we do/don't approach things will never change who the guy truly is. He's either right for us, or he isn't. He's either a great guy, or he isn't. I think that's why talking about things like this can be difficult, because they sort of imply that "if you do ____, you'll end up with ____." Which is never true, of course. We're just all in a big pile of dating mess trying to figure out how to best speak what we mean, and end up with a great guy. :)

          July 6, 2012 at 5:24 pm

      • followthenorthernstar

        Brilliantly said, Lauren. I also think it's important to remember that a lot of men struggle with confidence issues, sometimes more so than women, for multiple different reasons, some of which are incredibly deep-rooted. I think it's important that we, as you stated above, don't challenge their masculinity or desire if they "don't have the balls" to ask someone out.

        July 7, 2012 at 2:43 pm

        • Daniel B

          I think that's true, because men as the pursuers get overly rejected often, much more often, and add to that the idea perpetuated by society (and by the type of people who think women should not ever take initative) that men are supposed to put effort into women but not vice versa, and you've got it ingrained into men's subconscious that "women are desireable and wanted, men are not".

          But it's even simpler than that. So many comments are making the silly assumption that, any time a woman is in situation where she's interested in a guy, the guy is considering asking her out. Thus all the silly remarks about "Don't do it – he should do it or he's a coward". No, he probably just hasn't considered it yet – but might if he knew you wanted him to. Or he just go out of a relationship and then met you and thought "Wow she's amazing but I need to give myself some time"

          August 9, 2012 at 4:52 pm

      • Daniel B

        "Unfortunately, I think what most girls don't understand, is that if a guy has spent time trying to build a friendship with you, they are trying to figure out how interested you are in them"

        OR he's been very forward or moved quickly with women in the past and been criticized for this and so now he's going to wait longer to say something. This is pretty likely since, while in public forums women always say they want me to be bold and "just go ahead and give it a chance", but in real life they usually dislike this and want a guy to spend more time on "friend" things before asking them out.

        OR he's assumed you aren't interested because you've been trying to make him "earn it" so much that he rightly reads this as pulling away and giving him "don't pursue me" signals. This is also likely – in fact, in most Christian circles the #1 signal a woman is likely to give to a man she is hoping will pursue her is the "don't pursue me" signal.

        August 9, 2012 at 4:59 pm

      • Daniel B

        "The majority of men who are unsure about asking a really pretty girl out make AMAZING husbands" Thank you – about time someone spoke up against the idea that if the man isn't 100% perfect in his forwardness, he's a bad person, not a "real man", is ruled by fear, etc.

        August 9, 2012 at 5:04 pm

      • Daniel B

        Lauren's first comment is very accurate – it's usually a security thing. If a guy pursues you, then you have more security, but if you take a risk, then you don't. I'm nost sure what you mean by "We all know what relationships look like when the girl is crazy about a guy, and he isn't really that into her" though – is it that different from when a guy is crazy about a girl but she isn't really that into him (which is much more common)?

        Even guys like me who understand this have righly or wrongly a hard time feeling any sympathy for it. We *never* have this sort of security when we are interested a woman – as the ones charged with taking the first step in everything, we've got more to lose at that stage, and we're pretty used to this as a continual state of being. So when a woman is worried about, just for once, potentially not being liked back, and she acts like this is an awful horror to be avoided at all costs, it's pretty hard for a guy to take this seriously. Our reaction will likely be "Stop acting like it's the end of the world, it's happened to me 50 times before"

        August 9, 2012 at 5:04 pm

      • Daniel B

        Lauren I'm also unsure about this part (sorry for the 3x post, but this site doesn't give me much room per post): "Yes, men are built to initiate and pursue, but this plays out within the relationship, not always before one exists."

        Within a relationship, the women better be pursuing her man and initiating too. If anything, it usually happens more within the relationship than before (because before, there is usually close to 0 initiation from the woman).

        August 9, 2012 at 5:06 pm

    • and i think i need to respectfully disagree with you. does Song of Solomon 2:7 refer to meeting for coffee?within the context of this scripture, it's the woman speaking and she says not to awaken love until you're ready – not "wait for the man to ask you on a date"
      i don't think any of these ladies {and i know most of them} actually mean a DATE – to me, when i read these, it was a step in the direction of hanging out together and not waiting for the guy to get all of your nonverbal clues. but, that's coming from me who had similar experiences as lauren. also, as a disclaimer, even if these ladies DID ask a guy to go on a date with them, i would have rooted for them the entire evening/afternoon/day…whatever. i think there are far too many people who believe "pursuit" consists only on the male terms. this just seems off balance to me.

      July 6, 2012 at 4:48 pm

      • Laurel

        I am so sorry and I hope I did not offend you in any way by my thoughts. I just wanted to clarify the way I believe and have been taught by godly married women I have encountered. I only assumed they meant date because of parts of the post like, “Hey, I love being around you, and I’m interested in dating you.” and "ask him to coffee" because honestly to me any situation where you and a guy are one on one and alone seems like a date to me. I am sorry if I was reading too much into the post. The only reason I believe pursuit is defined in male terms is because of the way Christ pursues us and we in turn respond to his pursuit and submit to Him. Paul in Ephesians 5 talks about a man having the same role with his wife. That is just the way I interpret it though! I respect ya'lls opinions though and wish you the most wonderful marriages ever. At the end of the day I prefer a man who pursues me from beginning to the end :)

        July 6, 2012 at 7:02 pm

    • followthenorthernstar

      Firstly, I'd be interested to know what you think feminism actually is, and how you think it's a problem?

      July 7, 2012 at 10:01 am

      • Laurel

        Feminism-The advocacy of women's rights on the grounds of political, social, and economic equality to men.
        That is what I think feminism is. I think feminism is a problem because women try to "equalize" their rights by taking over roles that males are created to fill. Our society has a view that male roles are better because they are the leaders BUT that is because they don't see that when the Lord made us he made for us to have different roles and ours as women are just as wonderful!! The Lord created women to be man's "help mate" his rock- just as we are not able to survive without men they cannot survive without us! I think that the way the Lord created the men to be the pursuers, the initiators, and the leaders is SO beautiful just like the way he made us as women to be the the responders and supporters!!
        "The world looks for happiness through self-assertion. The Christian knows that joy is found in self-abandonment. 'If a man will let himself be lost for My sake,' Jesus said, 'he will find his true self.' A Christian woman's true freedom lies on the other side of a very small gate—humble obedience—but that gate leads out into a largeness of life undreamed of by the liberators of the world, to a place where the God-given differentiation between the sexes is not obfuscated but celebrated, where our inequalities are seen as essential to the image of God, for it is in male and female, in male as male and female as female, not as two identical and interchangeable halves, that the image is manifested."
        ― Elisabeth Elliot
        I don't think saying to a guy "I really enjoy spending time with you" is feminist HOWEVER I don't think we should be the ones to ask a guy out! But that is just me personally!! If you want to read anymore check out Passion and Purity by Elisabeth Elliot!! She is wonderful!!
        Have a good day!! :)

        July 7, 2012 at 1:41 pm

        • followthenorthernstar

          I think you've actually missed the importance of feminism within our current society.

          Firstly, I think you'll find that in the Gospels Jesus treats both men and women equally; I also think that we are all called to "humble obedience", regardless of our sex and no matter what role we find ourselves in.

          Secondly, I think you have a naive view of feminism because it isn't based upon the idea that "Men should ask women out", it's based upon women being treated within society in the same way that men are, politically, socially, and economically, and, sadly, this has never been the case. The amount of women vs. the amount of men who are degraded openly within the media (and even more strongly within the pornography industry, therefore having a domino effect on the sex-trafficking industry) is at an all time high. Women still struggle with being paid less in the same jobs as men and it's very seldom that we see female world leaders or successful female politicians. This is what feminism is fighting against and I would encourage you to look into this further rather than continuing to believe that it's as simple as you have made it out to be.

          The above article is nothing to do with feminism, it's about whether women should initiate dating a man, please don't mix the two up.

          July 7, 2012 at 2:17 pm

          • Laurel

            I have never been ugly with you or said anything that would cause you to say i am "naive" in my views… I never said you were naive or attacked you. I know you are trying to defend this article but I frankly disagree with what it says. You obviously disagree with what I say and I think as a sister in Christ (not sure if you are or not) but if you are then I will respectfully agree to disagree with you. Because in all honesty we aren't accomplishing much by arguing back and forth. I don't agree with what you are saying and probably never will and you will probably continue to say the same about me. I stumbled upon this "good women project" when one of my friends liked it on facebook. After digging deeper and looking at other articles I have really found out that I disagree with alot of the mission and views expressed. It was a mistake to have started following it.
            This all being said, good bye!! I will pray for the truth to be unveiled!! :)

            July 7, 2012 at 4:35 pm

          • Stacie

            I couldn't have said anything better, Laurel. I am appalled that a site seemingly to build women up is one where women are disrespected for their views. This includes the tweets from Lauren Dubinsky. I would never call anyone "crazy" on a public twitter account. That does not point to Christ. Part of the mission statement is to stop "bitching and biting" with other women and that is all that I have seen from the women on here. My husband brought up a great point after I explained all of this to him. He said it sounds like people are tweeting/commenting for an audience of many…but our hearts need to be fixed on pleasing an audience of one.

            With that being said, I have prayed about it more today (about my post from last night) and I had a complete peace come over me from the Holy Spirit that I have spoken Truth. And that's what he calls us to do. He doesn't call us to speak on opinion.

            One last thing regarding this blog. I am also disheartened that women look to these blogs rather than Scripture. Then when Scripture is mentioned…it is scoffed at. Ladies, please remember that Scripture is living. Also the Holy Spirit is living! The heart is deceitful (Jeremiah 17:9). So be careful what you decide to say or do because of what your heart says. As Laurel, I pray for Truth to infiltrate this blog as it is a powerful influence..either positively or negatively.

            God bless!!

            July 7, 2012 at 5:03 pm

          • Daniel B

            "Then when Scripture is mentioned…it is scoffed at." That is not what happened at all.

            August 9, 2012 at 6:03 pm

          • followthenorthernstar

            I don't think the word "naive" is that offensive, you had a very naive few of what feminism is; so did I until I studied it. I was explaining the true meaning of a concept so others wouldn't be misled by what you've misunderstood. I was in no way arguing with you. I'm sorry that you're so offended by this. I think if you open a topic up to debate to say "as a sister in Christ you should agree to disagree" is a bit unfair. If we all agreed to disagree all the time we'd never get anything done and opinions would never be shared. Not all women are quiet and a lot have opinions and we all have the freedom and right to voice them. The main problem here is that tone is being misread. Someone disagreeing with you isn't "bitching and biting", we're trying to have intelligent discussion and if you're so easily offended maybe an internet forum isn't the place for you to be.

            July 7, 2012 at 5:52 pm

    • Daniel B

      ""I don't have a problem with being kind and hanging out with a guy that you are interested in" – But you do. Hanging out with a guy requires effort and initiative to ask him to hang out.

      "but if he doesn't even have the guts to ask you out on your first date without you telling him to then that is a bad sign." – So the only reason any man wouldn't ask any woman out is he is cowardly?

      "letting the guy know that you like spending time with him and being with him is fine but actually asking him on a date is ridiculous. " – What is ridiculous is telling women that "Hey I like spending time with you and I like being around you" is ok but actually putting any effort into spending time with him or being around him is not ok.

      August 9, 2012 at 4:45 pm

      • Daniel B

        "from a wonderful dating blog, "When a woman initiates the flirting, it can often communicate, “Hey, I’m an easy victory for you. No risks here. I’ll say yes.” The man can easily see that she’s desperate. He’s left with two choices: do I take advantage of her because I know I can get what I want or do I ignore this pitiful woman’s begging for attention?"

        That doesn't sound like a wonderful dating blog at all, it's got several harmful assumptions. First, the idea that women are "victories" for men. Also the idea that women are supposed to add extra risks into a relationship just to make the guy prove himself (but the women is already proven worthy just because she's a woman). Also the idea that a woman saying "Hey, I've enjoyed getting to know you, I'm starting to like you" is equivalent to begging for attention.

        August 9, 2012 at 4:46 pm

        • Daniel B

          and now part 3 since this website made me split it up in 3 parts (although much longer stuff has been posted so I don't get it)…

          "The easier the woman is to win over, the more quickly the man will become disinterested." – NO, that is NOT how men's minds work.

          "Even though some guys don’t know it yet, they really do want to fight for the women they are attracted to." – If you mean fight on her behalf, yes. If you mean "deep down, men want women to be hard to pursue because then it feels more satisifying to beat the odds", then nope.

          August 9, 2012 at 4:47 pm

  6. Brooke

    I appreciate these ladies stories & I do think women could be more bold when it comes to the opposite sex. But as a 32 yr old woman who has been single most of her life & only found herself in relationships when she initiated, this advice can backfire – badly. These men were not guys who had guts, they were cowards who used me & treated me despicably, despite purporting Christian values. They were not men I should have ever been involved in & if I had not pursued them, nothing wound have happened & my heart would have remained intact. Granted I learned lessons from those situations, but the biggest was – quit wanting men that don’t want you

    July 6, 2012 at 3:49 pm

    • Emily Kate

      Good for you for not settling for that! Continue in your pursuit of the Lord and He will navigate that path for you.

      July 6, 2012 at 11:53 pm

  7. Emily

    Oooh, I really liked the post today because it countered one of the RULES of Good Christian Girlness: Don't speak up.

    But once women realize that women DO like boys, they DO have a voice, they CAN speak up honestly, and there ARE NO RULES OF GOOD CHRISTIAN GIRLNESS, then we flourish in so many thing.

    Hopefully, it leads to being able to stand strong against a man who doesn't put in his 50% of the energy, work, purpose, and fun into a relationship. I don't think any of those women were saying do all the work, or keep being into him regardless of how he responds, I think they were giving girls permission to make a move, any move, even the first one, rather than living "in the rules." Christian culture is often so much about the Rules that we stifle all relationships rather than letting individuals have the freedom and trust in the Holy Spirit to live bold lives of grace. If one of your PERSONAL rules, like Brooke's, is that the guy should ask you first, hold on to that! Celebrate it and speak loudly that you appreciate being asked out directly. However, don't make this personal preference or guildeline a rule for everyone else or for "Christian Dating."

    Who asks who out is not a MORAL quandary!

    I appreciate being asked out and treated well. But I'm very clear that I'm looking for a partnership where roles flow naturally based out of personality and circumstance rather than rules. My personality is very forward and a good relationship won't stifle my gifts of communication or directness.

    Oh, and Brandon, thanks for chiming in here! I'm glad you offered your opinion in a normally-girl centered space. It's awesome to have dudes hanging out here, too! :) I take issue with this, though: "God created men to be hunters, builders, and spiritual leaders of relationships. We have a deep desire of danger, adventure, and risk-taking." My personality makes me a precision hunter, a builder, and an excellent leader in life and relationships. I'm all about adventure and risk-taking and I know men and women who share these qualities. It has nothing to do with gender. Some men are like this. Some men are not. I love dating guys who are intentional and honest, but that has to do with the fact that I hold those values highly in my own life as well, not because they're "masculine" or "feminine" traits. Celebrate who YOU are, but I would encourage you not hold any men or women up to any standard other than love.

    Thank you all for responding to this question, married women! Looking forward to more great insight and surprising conclusions that offer freedom.

    July 6, 2012 at 4:10 pm

    • Amy

      Right on sister :)

      July 7, 2012 at 1:16 am

    • Emily…I enjoy the dicussion. I felt like I was probably signing up to be flogged by chiming in…but a little well-mannered discourse is good for everyone.

      Some are taking issue with what I said by jumping to conclusions. I'm not stating women can't love adventure and risk taking…I'm saying men have those qualities woven into the fiber of their being. I and umpteen million men on list "Wild at Heart" as the book that helped us better understand who we are and what we were created to be. By now it is as entrinched in the Christianese culture as church potlucks and young 20-something males referring to each other as "Bro." That might automatically discredit the point-of-view but for me there are some clear gender roles that aren't rigid boundaries rather good guidelines to keep in mind when deciding how to approach the opposite sex in understanding their motivations.

      Men have a need to lead. (I didn't plan on rhyming but I always enjoy it when I do.) Women ARE typically created with fibers that tend to make them more emotional and nurturers than men. If anyone doesn't believe that…you're not looking at the world around you. The bottom line to everything I'm saying is that it is not a sin for a woman to initiate. The Holy Spirit did not prompt me to come and comment and preach about gender roles. But when it comes to asking a guy out, often the best way to make sure you don't turn him off or spend time on someone that isn't confident or strong enough to deserve you comes from allowing him to make the official verbal initiation.

      July 7, 2012 at 10:03 am

      • Thanks for speaking up, Brandon!

        If you can permit me to share a bit of my experience, I want to talk about this last sentence of yours: "But when it comes to asking a guy out, often the best way to make sure you don't turn him off or spend time on someone that isn't confident or strong enough to deserve you comes from allowing him to make the official verbal initiation." I'm so glad you shared your opinion for the way you'd like a relationship with a woman to work, but I want to encourage you and everyone reading that this doesn't represent the views of all men or women. THE BEST WAY TO BEGIN/BE IN A RELATIONSHIP IS TO BE YOURSELF. I cannot say that enough. I know this from experts and personal experience.

        I spent much time growing up worrying about turning guys off. I learned the lie that I had to be the opposite of my gifts (leadership, communication, intelligence, intuition, etc) in order to get guys like me. I spent a long time INTENTIONALLY pushing guys away so that I wouldn't do it ACCIDENTALLY by being myself. Nothing against you, Brandon (is this an appropriate place for me to ask you out for coffee? hahaha), but the views you promote directly contributed to me not being myself. These views hurt me. They have hurt countless men and women who have been told over and over that they are NOT GOOD ENOUGH the way God made them and they have to be more hostile, less sensitive, louder, quieter, bros, not-hos, deserving, or any other popular qualifier.

        Also, "emotional" is a human trait, not a womanly one. Emotions are part of the make up of EVERY person. They run a wide range. You may be more in tune with the emotions you define as "manly" but that's a social definition, not a physiological one. Emotions are part of brains, not gender, and all humans have brains! (Insert Zombie Joke Here)

        One thing that has helped me in dating is to start by treating all people the same way. If I want to be friends with someone, my response is to say "You're cool, let's be friends. How about coffee on Saturday?" I would do that if I met a rad woman and wanted to get to know her. It makes sense for me to do the same with a guy, because then I know I'm being EMILY and not social expectations. I want to be EMILY first in all my relationships: before God, with my family, on the internet, with friends, and in dating. If any man is "turned off" by me or wouldn't be "strong enough to deserve me" because I was being my efficiently communicating self, that's okay. Because I'm being myself and not worrying about some strategy for making them like me.

        Does that make more sense? Also, about that coffee…

        July 10, 2012 at 2:05 pm

      • Hey Brandon,

        You're cool. Want to get coffee sometime?

        July 10, 2012 at 2:22 pm

    • Yes! I so agree with this part: "But I'm very clear that I'm looking for a partnership where roles flow naturally based out of personality and circumstance rather than rules." And the part about challenging "the rules of Good Christian Girliness."

      And by the way, I was the one to ask my boyfriend out. Because we hung out a lot and talked online every day, and after a while it was driving me crazy and for about a month I was all nervous/confused/etc and SOMEONE NEEDED TO SAY SOMETHING. Turns out he liked me too. Good thing I said something.

      July 8, 2012 at 6:13 pm

    • I ADORE YOU.

      July 10, 2012 at 1:30 pm

    • Ha! Yes! This is not a moral quandary. Perfect!

      July 10, 2012 at 10:11 pm

    • Daniel B

      < stand strong against a man who doesn't put in his 50% of the energy, work, purpose, and fun into a relationship. >

      If anything, we're talking about women who don't put in their 50% and expect the guy to do 100%.

      < I don't think any of those women were saying do all the work, or keep being into him regardless of how he responds, I think they were giving girls permission to make a move, any move, even the first one, rather than living "in the rules." >

      Very well said!

      August 9, 2012 at 5:36 pm

      • Daniel B

        <I take issue with this, though: "God created men to be hunters, builders, and spiritual leaders of relationships. We have a deep desire of danger, adventure, and risk-taking." My personality makes me a precision hunter, a builder, and an excellent leader in life and relationships. I'm all about adventure and risk-taking and I know men and women who share these qualities. It has nothing to do with gender.>

        Emily, please understand, I *really* want to agree with you that risktaking & adventure are gender neutral traits, … but just look at these comments. The majority of women here have entire theologies built around how only men should take risks in romantic relationships. The idea of "What if I tell someone I like that I do, and they don't like me back?" – something men live with on a continual basis – has them terrified. I really hope you are right, but I keep not finding evidence for it.

        August 9, 2012 at 5:38 pm

    • Daniel B

      "If one of your PERSONAL rules, like Brooke's, is that the guy should ask you first, hold on to that! "

      But be consistent. If your personal rule is that the guy has to do all the work, then don't complain about being single when you've chosen to act unavailable and give off signals that say you're uninterested.

      August 9, 2012 at 5:38 pm

  8. Tiffany

    I think that many people are interpreting these answers differently from their original meaning. I could be wrong, but I don't think any of these women are saying that women should pursue men in a relationship. I do think that a man needs some big hints sometimes that a woman is interested in him. I feel like it'd be hard if a woman was like a brick wall where a guy was unsure about how she felt and didn't want to ruin a friendship because he had no idea if she was interested. I know this is a silly analogy, but I feel like a woman can act like an unlocked gate – the guy can kind of feel like there's an opportunity there. But it's still up to him to take the initiative. No one's saying though, that a woman should be an open door that he can walk through, no problem.

    July 6, 2012 at 4:14 pm

    • I love your response! Even though I may have been obvious with my feelings about my husband, he definitely pursued me and continues to! I definitely think it's about walking with God and being yourself. Thanks for the comment. :D

      July 6, 2012 at 4:28 pm

    • YES. this. you said it so much better than i ever could! :)

      July 6, 2012 at 4:50 pm

    • Thank you! I quite agree that that's what the article was really saying. The man is STILL the one pursuing, but it's totally fine if the ladies are honest and let their feelings be known.

      July 6, 2012 at 4:55 pm

      • Yes, yes and yes!

        July 6, 2012 at 11:09 pm

      • Daniel B

        "but it's totally fine if the ladies are honest and let their feelings be known. "

        That is pursuing too. If you're letting your feelings be known directly b/c you hope a relationship works out from it, that is pursuit.

        August 9, 2012 at 6:03 pm

  9. I think there is a big difference between being honest and forthright, and being the woman who pursues a man (with flirting or whatever her signature tool may be). Being honest with ourselves and others about who we have feelings for (and who we DONT have feelings for), is helpful all around. Just because a woman is honest about her feelings, does not mean she is forgoing the opportunity for pursuit. It only takes the "games" out of the dating situation which is a great thing for all parties involved.

    July 6, 2012 at 4:15 pm

  10. Samantha

    EVERY SINGLE ONE of these happily married women are wrong….

    …. All of you singletons are right.

    July 6, 2012 at 4:53 pm

    • Jonathan

      And this was obviously a representative random sample of happily married women. All happily married women initiated the relationship, right?

      July 6, 2012 at 6:50 pm

      • Hi Jonathan! I'm the editor and assembled the panel of women. About 25 women volunteered to answer questions, and 7 answered this question. I was honestly surprised that every single one of them had had similar experiences. I did not plan it, or expect it! Note that they didn't all initiate the relationship, but they all did verbally let the guy know that they were interested in him. :)

        July 6, 2012 at 10:03 pm

      • Actually, my husband initiated things with me(I never said otherwise), but I can't tell you how many times I let guys get in my head while they would act like they liked me or would go through mutual friends instead of us sitting down and having a conversation. It would have saved me so much time to talk it through with guys from my past. I think it's courageous to be able to ask where the relationship is going, especially when there's a line of confusion. The guy could be pursuing you and you have no idea that's his intent. There have been guys who have appeared to be pursuing me but haven't and I've been left very hurt. If anything it can protect us from giving too much of our hearts away. The bible says to guard our hearts and, in a way, starting a conversation is a way to do that.

        My husband and I were friends for over a year before we started dating and a few weeks after I realized I had stronger feelings for him, he asked me on a date. This may have looked totally different if we had just met.

        I think the main point is that we put too much pressure on how we're "supposed" to date. I don't think there's a perfect black and white answer or that you can only get married if women initiate, that's not what anyone is saying.

        We're saying it's okay to start the conversation. I don't think it cheapens the experience by any means to tell the guy you're interested.

        July 6, 2012 at 10:30 pm

  11. Lindsay Satterfield

    Have we so quickly forgotten that women are not the only ones hurt from prior relationships? Men are broken, too. Let's not crucify them for not jumping at the chance of potentially being hurt again and then turn around and say it's okay for a woman to do the same thing. Perhaps some initiative on her part could give him a boost of confidence to pursue her. I don't see any weakness or lack of maturity in that.

    July 6, 2012 at 5:09 pm

    • Daniel B

      Thank you Lindsey. A lot of these commenters are acting like any time any man doesn't pursue any woman who likes him (even though he has no idea of this), it must be because he's weak or cowardly or something. It's pretty ridiculous.

      August 9, 2012 at 5:03 pm

    • proverbs31

      I agree with your comment Ms. Satterfield. Have you met a lot of men who fall into this category? If so, were they older men (over 30) or younger men (under 30)? I've noticed a lot men have been hurt or turned down & would rather not bother with a woman unless he knew for sure she was interested.

      October 26, 2013 at 8:10 am

  12. Lena

    God designed marriage to reflect his relationship with the church. Just as he is the initiator, leader, and pursuer, so men are in a marriage relationship.

    If the woman has to begin the relationship as the initiator, she will have to continue playing that role to maintain the relationship. And trying to run a relationship (or anything, really) contrary to God's design only leads to frustration and dissatisfaction for everyone.

    There's nothing wrong with being open and sharing your feelings with your crush as long as you leave room for him to step up and be the man. And if he doesn't, then he's proven he's not worth your time anyway. :)

    July 6, 2012 at 5:13 pm

    • Mmm, I'd disagree. I initiated the conversation about defining our relationship, and from that very day, my now-husband has pursued me every single day. I've never had to play the role of "leadership" or "responsibility." He's even the one that signed us up proactively for couples therapy before we had major problems in our relationship. He's amazing.

      July 6, 2012 at 5:26 pm

    • I'm sorry but I would disagree with your belief that because I initiated a relationship with my now husband that I'm forcing a roll that makes me a leader in our family. Quite the opposite is true. I strive and pray constantly that I am submissive to my husband's authority in our family. Just because a woman initiates doesn't mean she then is fighting for control.

      July 7, 2012 at 5:12 pm

    • Daniel B

      "If the woman has to begin the relationship as the initiator, she will have to continue playing that role to maintain the relationship."

      That is, frankly, a silly assumption. If the relationship begins because a woman was honest, she'll be doomed to have initiate forever? What?! Plus, it's like you're implying that female initiation in marriage is wrong.

      August 9, 2012 at 5:03 pm

  13. Sarah Fowler

    Even before I was a Christian I have had a “not man enough to ask me out, not man enough to date me” rule. This hasn’t always led to relationships with perfect guys, but I still think it’s a good principle in general.

    While I agree that guys can be damaged, shy, or fearful about possibly harming a friendship, I also would (like Brandon said above) have concerns about a guy’s maturity and ability to take initiative if he couldn’t be the first to tell me how he feels. I have a strong personality and am used to being a leader– I am the oldest of five, held management roles in college and now run my own business. For me to go after a guy means I risk wasting time and emotions on a guy I could ultimately never respect– one who would always need me to take initiative and lead the relationship. Jjust because you ask a guy out doesn’t mean you’ll walk all over him… but for me, it’s just a symbol of what could potentially be a larger problem.

    July 6, 2012 at 5:53 pm

    • Daniel B

      "not man enough to ask me out, not man enough to date me"

      Is "not being man enough" the only reason that a man could possibly have for not asking a woman out?

      "I also would (like Brandon said above) have concerns about a guy's maturity and ability to take initiative if he couldn't be the first to tell me how he feels"

      That comment ONLY makes sense if you think that any guy you like must also like you. Why should he be the first to tell you how he feels if you're the one who feels? At that point, he wouldn't have anything to tell you!

      "For me to go after a guy means I risk wasting time and emotions on a guy I could ultimately never respect– one who would always need me to take initiative and lead the relationship"

      1 – Every guy will need you to take initiative. Even God wants us to take iniative.
      2 – The idea that if you speak up about feelings, he will never be able to lead, is completely unwarranted.

      August 9, 2012 at 4:00 pm

  14. As a girl who has never been in a relationship, nor felt "pursued", I've questioned a lot if I was doing something wrong. I can 100 percent relate to Lauren's comment, about feeling all out of sorts around guys. But the one that stuck out to me the most was Katy Hill's. How we interact with guys, as friends or something more comes from our confidence. Knowing who we are, but more so, who we are in Christ. If I'm certain that is where my identity lies, then I can be myself by knowing they're acceptance of me romantically or just as friends, does not define me. I like how most of the women said to let the guy know, and then leave the rest up to him. No matter how confident I am, I still want a guy to pursue me. Whether or not I let him know how I feel is completely up to me.

    July 6, 2012 at 8:10 pm

  15. I so wish this was posted a few days ago when I did JUST THIS. I'm still trying to navigate through what in the world I'm supposed to do now.

    Also hey Lindz!!

    July 6, 2012 at 8:13 pm

    • Sarah

      Also I asked my sixty-something year old married male counselor for advice about this. He told me to do it. I brought up the "what about how girls are supposed to be pursued" and he responded, "That is garbage. Where in the Bible does it say that?" I mentioned Ruth, and he said, "yeah, she let Boaz know she was interested." It happened both ways in the Bible.

      July 6, 2012 at 8:20 pm

  16. Stacie

    I see no usage of Scripture in your blog therefore I think it's wrong for this concept to be promoted on a blog for women seeking Truth. Now the issue of dating is not directly mentioned in Scripture. We can't really use Ruth as an example because our culture does not have the rule that the closest kinsmen is supposed to marry a widow. Song of Solomon is romantic, but it's more for those who have already made the marriage covenant and are enjoying each other as the Lord designed. So all we can look at the nature of God and how he designed us in His image. I agree with Lena's post about how Christ is the pursuer of our souls (the church). The marriage covenant is compared to Christ and the Church. Thus, men should be the pursuers. And if you ask any God-seeking man, I believe he would concur. Women are more emotional beings. It's how God created us which is a beautiful thing. But this also means that we make decisions based off our current emotions WAY too much. This is why the Bible says that women should not have authority over men in the church. Men are able to separate themselves from how they feel much more than we can. It's how they were created. I know I have wanted to date some men that now looking back, I praise God didn't work out. In the moment it sounded perfect, but we just weren't compatible.

    Now let me share part of my story. There was this guy I had a huge crush on! I mean huge! He was beginning to flirt with me as well. We were serving together at an youth outreach ministry at our church. We got to know each other pretty well and my affection for him just continued to grow. We talked all the time, but I never started a text conversation and I definitely never called him. If he wanted to date me badly enough then he would make that happen. And the feeling of being pursued like that is like nothing else. Well one night we finally had our "DTR" conversation which he initiated ever so sweetly. I could definitely tell he was nervous because he kept repeating himself. So I stepped in and told him exactly how I felt. By the grace of God we are on the same page. He made it very clear to me that he wanted to date me because he saw qualities in me that he wanted in a wife. But he also said that if God made it clear to him that he is not my future husband than he would submit to God's will. We dated for 6 WONDERFUL months. He continued to pursue me. We were engaged for 5 months. He continued to pursue me. Now we have been married for a year and 4 months with our first son due in October…AND he continues to pursue and romance me more than I could have ever hoped for!

    So all this to say…WOMEN- DON'T CHEAT YOURSELVES…BE PATIENT!! Like I said before, there is NOTHING like feeling pursued like that. Can you have a functional relationship if you make the first move…sure. But why settle?! Why not be romanced as Christ romances the church? Men love the pursuit! They love the chase and the mystery!! My husband told me that the fact that I didn't initiate anything or make any first moves showed my independence (or the lack of being a clingy girl) and security in Christ. He said it made him want to date me more.

    Let this be an encouragement to all of you single women! Hold out for a man that won't cheat you out of the pursuit! Be very cautious about who you are willing to forever submit your lives to as God-fearing women. Make sure it's a man that fears God as well and seeks Him. Make sure he is a man who leads by servant hood as Christ did. Make sure he is a man of God who is afraid to speak his convictions!! And let me remind you, marriage HAS to be a conviction or it's not right. And most of us marry someone we date. :)

    God bless!

    July 6, 2012 at 9:26 pm

    • "I see no usage of Scripture in your blog therefore I think it's wrong for this concept to be promoted on a blog for women seeking Truth. Now the issue of dating is not directly mentioned in Scripture."

      So, we can't talk about dating at all because there are no Bible verses? We're stuck not discussing it anywhere in or any manner because we can't use a specific Bible verse to quote?

      July 6, 2012 at 10:10 pm

      • Stacie

        Hi Lauren- I addressed that in my first paragraph. It definitely needs to be discussed that's why I discussed the parallel of Christ and the church to the marriage covenant. Hope this helps clarify. :)

        July 6, 2012 at 10:27 pm

      • Stacie

        Also, please know that your tweets are public. I don't think it reflects well on a project for "good women" to post disrespectfully of others. That is definitely not Biblical. You have a lot of followers so many people are influenced by you. That is a huge responsibility not to be taken lightly.

        July 6, 2012 at 10:43 pm

    • Sarah

      Boaz didn't do anything until Ruth did, law or not. She did have to let him know they were related… Ruth 3:9

      July 6, 2012 at 10:46 pm

      • Stacie

        Yes she did. He was unaware of the circumstances. But this instance is an example of obedience to God and how He will provide…not about dating. Back then women were more reliant on men to survive. Also, people didn't fall in love and get married then. Marriages were arranged by the woman's father. So we can't really use this as a dating guide.

        July 6, 2012 at 10:55 pm

        • Daniel B

          "Men are able to separate themselves from how they feel much more than we can"

          No, we really aren't. We can usually look like this is true (because we're taught from a young age this silly idea that feelings aren't a guy thing), but it isn't actually true.

          "So we can't really use this as a dating guide."

          But we can definitely use it as a principle that it's ok for a woman to take reasonable means to achieve a goal rather than sitting back and hoping something happens. In fact, the unaware thing is a perfect example of how the Ruth Principle does apply – the guy is usually unaware that you are interested in him (assuming that he is aware and is just being afraid is silly). And also, Ruth went WAY BEYOND just informing him, she made it very clear she wanted him.

          August 9, 2012 at 4:11 pm

    • Sarah Fowler

      I like most of what you say. The beginning bothers me, though – not all women are more emotional than men! That's a problem I find with a lot of Christian writing for women– they (women themselves, granted) assume we're all so emotional. Honestly, I should probably be more emotional and empathetic… but I'm not. And that's okay; that's how God made me. I'm single but I'm betting my husband will be a lot more emotional than me, because quite honestly our kids will need that. The world in general needs that!

      July 6, 2012 at 10:51 pm

      • Stacie

        Haha you remind me of me! I don't cry as much as most women either. :) My mom and sisters will bawl watching a chick flick, but I couldn't for the life of me (until I became pregnant…then I cried watching American Idol! haha!). My husband is definitely the more compassionate of the two of us…which is one reason we are so compatible. But I need to strive to be more compassionate as Christ commands. Also, keep in mind that emotional doesn't mean sensitive or that you cry a lot. We also have happy emotions, angry emotions, excited emotions, etc. I do believe that is why God says that women should not have authority in the church…because the majority of men (godly men) have a better ability to make objective decisions putting emotions aside than most women. It's a fact that women have more "drama" than men. Guys don't have as many heart to hearts with each other. And I can't see a bunch of guys reading blogs about dating. :)

        July 6, 2012 at 11:19 pm

        • Daniel B

          "Guys don't have as many heart to hearts with each other"

          Which is often harmful because of lies we believe about emotions not being "manly".

          August 9, 2012 at 9:23 pm

    • Notice that initiative by parents, family members and spiritual leaders is disregarded in the modern dating process. It all rests on some random young man (who doesn't necessarily know what he wants out of life without some guidance). Historically, that was not the case, and no doubt this shift is the source of many dating problems.

      February 26, 2014 at 2:30 am

  17. If you like someone. Oh just get over it and tell them.

    Simple. End of story.

    July 6, 2012 at 10:21 pm

  18. Brandy

    so, I read this post, thought for a minute, and then went and asked my husband what he would have thought if back when we first met and he had a crazy crush on me, I had been the first one to say that I really liked him and wanted to date him.
    his brow furrowed a bit, he looked pretty confused, and slowly said…"well, it would have taken me awhile to process that. you definitely wouldn't have gotten any kind of answer right away."

    questioning further, if he'd ever had a girl whom he already had a crush on smile at him while in casual conversation and say something like "Gosh, I really like you!" or "Man, I love hanging out with you!", he would have been happy to hear that and taken it as a positive indicator, but even alluding to wanting to date him would have totally blown it for him.

    neither one of us can think of a guy we know that would respond well to a girl saying she wanted to date him. not saying those guys aren't out there, and I'm not hating on girl initiation (done carefully), but…single girls beware, depending on the guy you have a crush on it could totally blow your chances. proceed with caution. and much prayer.

    July 6, 2012 at 10:27 pm

    • Sarah

      I don't understand why this would blow it for a guy? Can you guys elaborate?

      July 6, 2012 at 10:34 pm

      • Yeah I'm not sure either. I just chatted with my husband about this, and he never minded when girls showed overt interested/said they wanted to date him. Wasn't a turn off for him. And obviously, we're very happily married.

        I think its important to remember that not all men are the same. I think the way men respond to women being verbal about their interest speaks a lot about how they were raised and told to interact with the opposite gender, and much less about what is the "right" or "wrong" way to do things.

        July 6, 2012 at 10:41 pm

        • Felisha

          Amen to that last part! I thunk you have to decide what that kind of response could mean for your future. For me, an absolute disinterest in my honesty is not acceptable.

          July 7, 2012 at 12:16 am

      • Daniel B

        "I don't understand why this would blow it for a guy? Can you guys elaborate? "

        I'm a guy and I don't understand that thinking either.

        The only reason I can think of is that society has wrongfully stigmatized boldness and directness in women. Men are trained to expect women who think their role in relationships is "sit around and hope God drops a man out of the sky" and society tells us all that women are prizes that men compete men, so men expect their woman to behave this way.

        August 9, 2012 at 5:20 pm

    • Jennifer

      I definitely agree with you Brandy! My husband says the same thing. Being able to pursue me was a HUGE blessing to him and if I had initiated, things would have never gone anywhere. I agree that things are different for everyone and there is not a right or wrong answer but through my experience and my friend's experiences it seems that men are pretty turned off by a woman who is too quick to initiate. (Maybe cause I live in the South :D) I asked my 18 year old son the same questions like "if you were friends with a girl and she told you she liked you what would you say?" He said, "If I was friends with her and I liked her I would have already told her myself!" LOL. I then asked how he would feel if a girl asked him to "coffee"- he said "I would say no way! That is way to forward and I like the chase." That is just our opinions though!

      July 6, 2012 at 11:23 pm

      • Hanna

        Your son has it right! Why don't older men just say when they like us? That would fix the controversy here for sure!

        July 7, 2012 at 8:42 am

      • To the point about being from the South, I don't discount that a lot of this debate is cultural.

        July 7, 2012 at 10:13 am

        • Yeah I'm definitely going to agree that TONS of this is cultural and not necessarily right/wrong. I know that when we agreed to bring multiple women on to answer the question that lots of young girls were asking us, our attempt was to de-bunk some of the myths that we have about gender/putting opposite gender on pedestals, and to give everyone permission to speak freely/be free to be themselves. Definitely not to provide a how-to guide on dating or how to interact with men. That always comes down to the individual, and there isn't a formula on the planet that results in finding a good person to date. :)

          July 7, 2012 at 10:50 pm

    • I bet it depends on the situation and who the guy is. Maybe some guys would think it's bizarre and be turned off if a girl expressed interest, but maybe some would be really happy because they are tired of trying to figure girls out like a puzzle and they just want a girl who directly tells them what she wants and how she feels.

      I was actually the one to ask my boyfriend out. We were good friends, talking online every day and hanging out together a lot, and I definitely wanted to date him, but I was so confused about what to do. It was driving me crazy not knowing if this was going anywhere. After about a month of being nervous/confused about everything, I ended up asking him "so are we boyfriend and girlfriend?" Good thing I asked.

      Maybe if it just comes out of nowhere, then a guy would be really confused, but if you're good friends and it's to the point where other people probably think you're dating, then it makes sense for the girl to ask. (So maybe it's good that I didn't bring it up right away, and I let things drag on for a month or so before saying anything? I don't know.) Because SOMEONE needs to say SOMETHING.

      I think you should evaluate your own situation and the people involved and do what makes sense, instead of sticking to rigid rules about "girls are supposed to do this and boys are supposed to do this."

      July 8, 2012 at 6:26 pm

      • My favorite comment so far!! And I would have to agree!!

        But my question now would be: WHEN is it ok for girls to show interest?? If we don’t show interest before the relationship starts, is it ok to act interested afterwards? Is acting interested after a relationship too forward?

        But I still hold to my original thought: it depends on the situation, the guy, the friendship, etc. And it’s either gonna work out or not!!

        July 8, 2012 at 7:16 pm

  19. Jim

    Women should never take initiative and should only speak when spoken to. (sarcasm)

    July 6, 2012 at 11:07 pm

  20. lucy

    GREAT ADVICE. Guys these days are SCARED to initiate anything. Girls usually have to ask for a guys' number, ask him out, etc. It probobly has something to do with the idea that guys feel like they have to initiate everything, and therefore, they are intimidated. Girls intimidate guys, that's just the way it is.

    July 6, 2012 at 11:11 pm

    • Daniel B

      That's not at all how it is, with one exception. Guys DO feel like they have to initiate everything – and no wonder, look at all the comments who think it's the man's job to initiate everything. And yes, that gets pretty wearying and burdensome after a while. That has nothing to do with intimidation or fear (usually), but it is wanting a woman who doesn't think her job is to sit there and be helpless until God drops me out of the sky in shining armor to sweep her off her feet without her putting any effort into me whatsoever.

      August 9, 2012 at 4:02 pm

      • Also consider that there are so many AntHarassment laws nowadays – we guys are scared of putting a foot wrong – especially if we grew up with a mix of the AIDS scare, Dworkin's "All men are potential rapists" trope…

        And if we're shyer – or in my case, autistic – we can;t read the situation as easily. By being honest and open – and TELLING us – we won't then be assuming false-positives etc.

        "No means no" meant that a lot of us DEFAULTED to "no".

        September 6, 2013 at 3:33 pm

  21. Emily Kate

    I am a big fan of GWP and read most of the posts. I generally stand by about 90% of what is put on here and really appreciate people's honesty and willingness to tell their stories. I read this article and honestly felt like I could have read the same thing in a bubble gum pop star magazine at the local super market. Why? Because it's silly, and so is this debate in the comments! Everyone is picking each other apart and taking scriptures out of context because truthfully there is NO SET RULE or unbiblical principal at stake here. Every relationship is different. Duh. This advice could be great, or it could turn out terribly and really embarrass a girl, but there is no way to know! I'm honestly amused by the strong opposing views that are being taken when each situation is totally different. My advice: pray about your motivations for telling him you like him or not. Decide what the Lord expects of YOU, not of a random panel of girls who had good experiences with that technique. Determine His will. Best of luck in your endeavors.

    July 6, 2012 at 11:14 pm

  22. multicolored veins

    One time I asked a guy who had seemed interested in me for over a year, but had never said anything directly, what his intentions were and where our relationship was going. He decided to play the awkward, "I've always felt like you were a sister to me" card. Even though I was somewhat hurt by it all, and we ended up having a fairly awkward acquaintance-like relationship after that, I look back and I'm so glad that I conjured up the courage to stand up for myself and ask. There isn't always a happily ever after, but it felt good to just be open and honest.

    I guess at this point, as I read each comment from each of you married women, I agree with you all (hey, Ruth's story is in the Bible for a reason), but I'm terrified to ask. I second guess myself and how I've felt things with a certain guy has been going. And maybe that's pride, and I don't want to look dumb asking a question that he may never have thought about. I guess that's what's holding me back.

    July 6, 2012 at 11:41 pm

  23. Saw your tweet earlier. Had to let you know you have support. I’m a new reader, love the posts!! And I used to be a “guys initiate, girls respond” girl….I have no idea about the subject now……I’d have to say it depends on the situation, the guy, the girl, and what the relationship is like to begin with. But as I’ve thought about it all day since i read it earlier, this concept that guys need to be the initiators in the relationship isnt In the Bible. I think God left it up to us to decide with the help of His Holy Spirit. Plus, I like what someone said earlier, if I may paraphrase, that we need to be ourselves, and Whoever we end up with will absolutely love us for it. The married women on here who didn’t “pursue” ended up with men who loved them for it; the married women on here who were bold and beautiful to their men ended up with men who loved them for it. Bless them, you, all!! Trust God with it all, we need to be our true selves, whatever is comfortable for us in these relationships, and let Him do the rest.

    I hope this all makes sense……sorry for any typos…..ive already lost this several times…. 

    July 7, 2012 at 12:36 am

  24. Lindsay Satterfield

    I pursue my husband daily, and he with me. Our marriage wouldn't function if it were any different. Why should he be the only one doing the pursuing? Because marriages are a reflection of how Christ pursues the church? And therefore we shouldn't pursue Him? And insofar shouldn't pursue our husbands in marriage? That's ridiculous. Purely ridiculous. And I have a theology degree, and I still think it's ridiculous.

    July 7, 2012 at 12:50 am

    • Lindsay Satterfield

      To make myself clear(er), I'm not saying men should not pursue women (See my post in the article). What I am saying is, using the pursuit of Christ with the church as a proof text for women not pursuing men is purely ridiculous. If you aren't pursuing the Lord in any sense, you won't have a relationship with Him. If you never actively initiate anything with your husband, or a man, or your best friend, or your mother, there will be no healthy, functioning relationship. If my husband only pursued me, and I not him, and I only acted in response, we'd have an awfully one-sided, culture-classic relationship. Real life is not a romantic comedy. I prefer it that way.

      July 7, 2012 at 12:54 am

      • Emily

        Preach, woman!

        July 7, 2012 at 3:11 am

      • I think a healthy relationship and marriage is about two people pursuing each other. I agree. I think the beginning of a relationship should be about a man pursuing a woman (that doesn't mean she has to run from him – she could be running towards him).

        July 7, 2012 at 10:17 am

    • Daniel B

      "I pursue my husband daily, and he with me. Our marriage wouldn't function if it were any different. Why should he be the only one doing the pursuing? Because marriages are a reflection of how Christ pursues the church? And therefore we shouldn't pursue Him? "

      Very good point. The church is teaching women that in order to get into a relationship, their role is to practice things (pure passivity, indirectness, not speaking up for themselves, etc) that are USELESS and even HARMFUL once the relationship starts.

      August 9, 2012 at 4:07 pm

  25. Molly St Clair

    Believers can worry about dating once believers stop holding to worldly ideas and misconceptions about gender (e.g.- “Women are more emotional” or “Guys are the hunters”). That’s bull defecation.

    Some *people* are confident and can pursue relationships.

    Other *people* are timid or confused and could really use directions in relationships.

    Lauren, I’m glad your work is public so I can read what people are talking about these days in regards to dating and such, and I’m sorry some people react negatively to your honesty and try to make you feel guilty for not using specific Bible verses.

    There is no one way to approach relationships– ALL relationships are messy, whether between kids/parents or two same-sex best friends. The idea is to get to know the individual you may want a relationship with, and let the relationship form naturally (caution: this idea runs counter to courtship).

    July 7, 2012 at 3:13 am

    • +1 for "bull defecation"

      July 7, 2012 at 10:17 am

    • Daniel B

      "Believers can worry about dating once believers stop holding to worldly ideas and misconceptions about gender (e.g.- "Women are more emotional" or "Guys are the hunters"). That's bull defecation."

      Amen – it is difficult to overestimate how much damage is done by all the related ideas that all this stuff – men are the desirers, women are the desired, it's a woman's job to get noticed and a man's job to do the noticing – burns into our subconscious from a very young age even.

      August 9, 2012 at 4:05 pm

  26. Hanna

    Oh goodness the controversy!

    Here's my story and my thoughts: I waited a while for my now-fiance to tell me he liked me. It wasn't like I didn't practically know it already. We hung out a lot, took walks one-on-one. In a way he was pursuing me, but he hadn't told me his intentions yet. So finally I told him I liked him and he took it from there… almost.

    Brett was newer in his faith and hadn't had a real relationship for years. He was figuring everything out, but I was impatient. I kissed him first, I put pressure on him to be a spiritual leader, and always initiated tough conversations before he was ready, when I should have been more patient and encouraging, letting him grow into a real leader in our relationship.

    All that to say – his pursual of you starts where you let it start. You do control that, to an extent. Every relationship is different. If you're playing hard to get (which, if you like a guy, why would you make it so hard?) then you're sending a lot of mixed messages. Tell him you like him, be the encourager and the good woman you're made to be, and fight your instinct to control him and the relationship after that, even when it's hard to be patient. I wish I wouldn't have given him that first kiss. He was going to do it! And I wish I wouldn't have been controlling and put pressure on him, because it was wrong and hurts the relationship, and because it's so awesome to see how HE decides to pursue me and lead me, not how I feel like I want him to.

    And remember, guys are people too. They have pasts and past relationships that have messed up their view of how to let a girl know they like her. Or make them not want to initiate altogether. A relationship is going to be imperfect, start to finish.

    July 7, 2012 at 8:34 am

  27. I believe a good woman could speak up but let herself be chased. At the end of the day, the GWP is a blessing for million of girls and is probably doing a lot more than all the negative comments these women posted it.

    July 7, 2012 at 12:07 pm

  28. Claire

    Seriously, getting your feelings out in the open is a massive time saver. Those are my two cents. And I'm a girl.

    July 7, 2012 at 4:07 pm

  29. When I met my now husband in college, I showed him my interest. And when he started trying to talk to me about it, I blurted out "I LIKE YOU" and turned bright pink. He was happy to hear me say it and said, "How would you feel if I told you that I reciprocated?" We still joke to this day that if I hadn't made the first move, he probably wouldn't have known one way or the other that I was interested in him! BONUS: I highly recommend "Jane Austen's Guide to Dating." It's an excellent relationship advice book, taking Austen's sensibilities and practically applying them to modern situations; that's honestly where I first learned the principle of "flirting isn't evil." In other words, show a man you're interested!

    July 7, 2012 at 11:05 pm

  30. Marta

    First of all, Lauren — THANK YOU for this post.

    To those who disagree:
    The whole purpose of this post, as I understand it, is to remind us, women, that we have the right to be open about our feelings if we want to be.

    It is not about pursuing.

    It is about letting the man know you are available. The difference is huge.

    Please, please, read the story of Ruth and Boaz.

    July 8, 2012 at 9:00 am

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  32. Sarah

    A thought I had today (yes, I'm still thinking about this topic): Letting someone know you're interested isn't a marriage proposal.

    July 9, 2012 at 9:18 pm

  33. AML

    After reading this post, I was inspired to boldly step out and send this guy a Facebook message (less than ideal, trust me, but he's a friend of a friend, lives out of town, and this was the only way to get it touch with him at the moment). I kept it short and said, "Hey, ________. I don't know how long you're in town, but I'd like to grab coffee with you, if you're interested." I really tried to not over-communicate and say too much; all I was trying to do was put it out there that I'd enjoy spending time with him if he decided to do something about it. It's been a couple days and I haven't heard from him, so my question is this: do guys (even Christian guys) have a 2 or 3 day rule in which they delay reciprocating communication with a woman? Do guys really do that? Thoughts?

    July 10, 2012 at 11:42 am

    • AML, I'm proud of you for stepping out! No matter what response you get, you've made a bold move and I think it's awesome!

      I'm sorry you haven't heard back from him, but keep being a strong woman and THAT will be attractive to the right man. Remember that there ARE NO RULES for dating other than 1. Be yourself. 2. Listen to the Holy Spirit.

      July 10, 2012 at 2:20 pm

      • AML

        Thanks, Emily. I really appreciate that! I can't figure out why he hasn't responded yet, and if he's going to at all, but your advice was encouraging and practical. Thanks for reassuring me that I didn't mess up or make a mistake!

        July 10, 2012 at 9:00 pm

    • anon!

      Did he reply? When I was waiting for someone to respond to my own initiating, a guy friend told me "if he's not man enough to respond, he's not man enough for you."

      July 13, 2012 at 7:13 pm

  34. Miriam

    I love GWP, but very rarely do any of the writers actually write anything from the bible, which is beginning to concern me slightly. These posts are asking women, so obviously their opinion is welcome and desired. However, they give what they think and what we are led to take as Godly advice, then fail to back up (or oftentimes even base) said advice with God's advice (i.e. the bible).

    A pinch of salt (no pun intended!) is required when reading these posts, I feel.

    As a positive, I really do appreciate the work this community does to remove taboos, and build relationships and safe community for women. Great work, ladies :)
    And hi from the UK!

    July 10, 2012 at 7:13 pm

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  40. Fiona

    context is important…if you have noticed that the guy has been somewhat interested and is taking a long time time for him to gather up courage to ask you to be more than a friend, may be it's time, you the woman help him out a bit by asking what he wants from your friendship…and that may be you are interested too….
    otherwise, I don't believe in seeing a guy in the street or someone you barely know, and tell him, hey I like you…that's botherline acting really inappropriately for a lady…

    December 6, 2012 at 8:19 am

  41. BethP

    I am loving reading through the archive of posts on this site!

    I'm in a situation at the mo where I'm falling for a guy at church. I started falling for him when he started giving me signs he was interested, but due to having been strung along by a guy a couple of years ago when he didn't actually like me, I'm afraid to let any of my feelings towards him out in case I end up hurt again. I also know that this guy's had a past of "sleeping around" before he came to Christ last year, or so that was the testimony he gave. I relate so much to what Lauren said in her answer to the question. I'm really afraid that I'm turning him off by acting so disinterested. I've barely had a decent convo with him and I really want to chat to him to see if there's something there.

    Basically, I'm lost in disbelief that he could fancy me…clearly some issues about how I perceive myself that I need to talk through with Jesus!

    Adding to the confusion is another guy who did actually ask me out, and he seems to be such a steadfast and righteous guy, but I couldn't find any attraction on my part. Sometimes I wonder if I've turned down something good…

    If we just keep praying and trusting, God will show us the way! x

    January 6, 2013 at 6:40 pm

    • Iromusa

      I am also in a situation were I really don't know what to do. Everything started at work about 6 months ago. This guy would smile everytime he saw me and I would smile back. I started to like him. I thought for a few weeks that it was reciprocal. But we never really talked, only exchanged a few words now and then and it was always him who approached me.

      I couldn't openly talk to him since I had become a widow just a year before, and everyone at work knew my husband. I was ashamed of my feelings for him. One day he came to my office and when I saw him up close I noticed that he could be a lot younger than I am. I felt even worse! Then I decided not to look at at him, stop smiling at him but my feelings for him didn't stop.

      January 12, 2013 at 1:28 pm

      • iromusa

        …Later I thought it was childish of me to behave that way, so I tried to act normal around him, but it was too late, his behavior towards me was different. Was his pride hurt? Did I misinterpret the signs and maybe he thought I was the one who liked him and he didn't like me back? He also might have been misled to think I am still married. Obviously he stopped being nice to me, and he started to look away every time we bumped into each other. I wish I had the courage to ask him why he has changed and maybe he would tell me if his feelings were mutual. Yesterday, I finally told a friend what was going on and she has encouraged me to ask him, but I know I can't, I am painfully shy. I pray the Lord to help me get over this.

        January 12, 2013 at 1:29 pm

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